SPFPP 233: Relationship
I strongly recommend listening to episode 232 titled "dating" prior to listening to this episode on relationships. We need to prioritize one relationship, and that’s the one we have with ourselves. How we talk to ourselves, our values, beliefs, actions, etc. What I've come to learn in my 5 years running SPFPP is that the relationships that include sex are the ones that carry a significantly higher value to us when it's our friendships and other non-sexual relationships that allow for us to really be who we are. I learned that my relationships haven't worked out in the past because when you are who you are, and others can be who they are, there's this abundance of self that spills into the relationship/connection. I and my past partners haven't had that. In fact, our lack of self is what caused us to "take" from one another and "give" to each other from a place of scarcity that looks like "Here's all I have to offer" and it would be attached to an expectation. So this reciprocated taking led to a metaphorical overload as we still tried to give beyond our capacity hoping to get what we needed in order to feel "loved" and secure in the relationship.
All that to say, in this episode, I came to the realization that I've struggled with this word "selfish" and confused self-care to mean that until my therapist broke it down to me. You get to hear my ah-ha moment real time when I realize that relationships are co-created by two or more people. The experience is sort of a sphere or container between them where there's reciprocal give to the interaction/relationship and then you're responsible for getting what you need from the relationship, not the person. When two people are able to, through a healthy, secure, enriching relationship, freely express themselves without their selfishness/self-care being perceived as a threat, there's an abundance of expression that just overflows into the relationship from both or all parties so that the relationship itself is abundant to where each individual is able to freely receive and give TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
My example is how I "selfishly" have to maintain boundaries for myself in order to show up in the relationship that you and I have through SPFPP. This is our relationship. I selfishly talk through my experiences and express myself, and prioritize my pleasure and needs so that I'm abundantly able to leak my expression into this platform for you to get what you need from it. Your presence, engagement, support, challenging, and celebration are what I get out of this relationship AS YOU CAN GIVE TO IT, I'm not coming and seeking it directly from you which means potentially overloading YOUR capacity. This sphere is a massive ass community that I through my selfishness have cultivated. A good example is a tree. It simply does what a tree does, grow roots, eat soil, absorb water, grow toward the sun. In a tree just being a tree, it provides shade, sometimes fruit, and when it does what it does, it produces in abundance for EVERYONE else to benefit. I got that analogy from Mr. Locario along with the idea that selfishness isn't a bad thing.
Something I kinda touched on unintentionally this episode was "self-rejection" so I just briefly talked about that, but will get further into that another time. I feel like that's its own episode.
And lastly, why is unavailability attractive? We want to experience others, period. The quality of a person's experience is unfortunately compared to their value of where they give their attention. Someone super available all the time is invited to things and places sometimes as an afterthought, or there's this belief "Oh so and so ain't doin shit, so let's see what they're doing tonight." and that abundance of availability really doesn't make a person put any quality to the attention you give them. Now when you run a business, or volunteer, or make a lot of money, or are pursuing your passion, and others KNOW that, then there's a little more respect and value placed on your time and attention, so when they get it, there's this "Oh my god! They're making time for me with everything they have going on!!!??" appreciation for it. Actually a lot of these thoughts were sparked by Mr. Locario videos. I went down a rabbit hole on selfishness so shout out to him! Enjoy this episode and again, bring your notes!
