SPFPP 233: Relationship
I strongly recommend listening to episode 232 titled "dating" prior to listening to this episode on relationships. We need to prioritize one relationship, and that’s the one we have with ourselves. How we talk to ourselves, our values, beliefs, actions, etc. What I've come to learn in my 5 years running SPFPP is that the relationships that include sex are the ones that carry a significantly higher value to us when it's our friendships and other non-sexual relationships that allow for us to really be who we are. I learned that my relationships haven't worked out in the past because when you are who you are, and others can be who they are, there's this abundance of self that spills into the relationship/connection. I and my past partners haven't had that. In fact, our lack of self is what caused us to "take" from one another and "give" to each other from a place of scarcity that looks like "Here's all I have to offer" and it would be attached to an expectation. So this reciprocated taking led to a metaphorical overload as we still tried to give beyond our capacity hoping to get what we needed in order to feel "loved" and secure in the relationship.
All that to say, in this episode, I came to the realization that I've struggled with this word "selfish" and confused self-care to mean that until my therapist broke it down to me. You get to hear my ah-ha moment real time when I realize that relationships are co-created by two or more people. The experience is sort of a sphere or container between them where there's reciprocal give to the interaction/relationship and then you're responsible for getting what you need from the relationship, not the person. When two people are able to, through a healthy, secure, enriching relationship, freely express themselves without their selfishness/self-care being perceived as a threat, there's an abundance of expression that just overflows into the relationship from both or all parties so that the relationship itself is abundant to where each individual is able to freely receive and give TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
My example is how I "selfishly" have to maintain boundaries for myself in order to show up in the relationship that you and I have through SPFPP. This is our relationship. I selfishly talk through my experiences and express myself, and prioritize my pleasure and needs so that I'm abundantly able to leak my expression into this platform for you to get what you need from it. Your presence, engagement, support, challenging, and celebration are what I get out of this relationship AS YOU CAN GIVE TO IT, I'm not coming and seeking it directly from you which means potentially overloading YOUR capacity. This sphere is a massive ass community that I through my selfishness have cultivated. A good example is a tree. It simply does what a tree does, grow roots, eat soil, absorb water, grow toward the sun. In a tree just being a tree, it provides shade, sometimes fruit, and when it does what it does, it produces in abundance for EVERYONE else to benefit. I got that analogy from Mr. Locario along with the idea that selfishness isn't a bad thing.
Something I kinda touched on unintentionally this episode was "self-rejection" so I just briefly talked about that, but will get further into that another time. I feel like that's its own episode.
And lastly, why is unavailability attractive? We want to experience others, period. The quality of a person's experience is unfortunately compared to their value of where they give their attention. Someone super available all the time is invited to things and places sometimes as an afterthought, or there's this belief "Oh so and so ain't doin shit, so let's see what they're doing tonight." and that abundance of availability really doesn't make a person put any quality to the attention you give them. Now when you run a business, or volunteer, or make a lot of money, or are pursuing your passion, and others KNOW that, then there's a little more respect and value placed on your time and attention, so when they get it, there's this "Oh my god! They're making time for me with everything they have going on!!!??" appreciation for it. Actually a lot of these thoughts were sparked by Mr. Locario videos. I went down a rabbit hole on selfishness so shout out to him! Enjoy this episode and again, bring your notes!
Episode 233 Transcript
The Disconnect Between Dating and Relationships
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: All right. I want to first thank everyone who gave me feedback on the previous episode called dating. Um, it was nice to be able to have that be received, especially because I was feeling a little bit, you know, just insecure about sharing that much of my personal experience. But it seems like it's something that was received well and people were able to metaphorically take my experience and apply that to their own experience and hopefully be able to reflect on a pattern and just find and identify that and decide what they wanted to do with it. Um I'm not sure how much time this conversation is going to eat up. Uh it's not really even a conversation. is just me uh doing that same thing I did for dating but uh with relationships and identifying how important it is that we look at the way that we show up in our relationships because dating and relationships are two different things. uh like when we're dating, I think dating is the the sexual component is very there's a lot of value there.
00:01:41 Courtney Brame: And when it comes to relationships, like the way that we show up nonsexually in our friendships, our uh work relationships, our platonic, you know, um relationships with people that we may have mutual attraction for and with. uh and like our passions like places that we frequent often like going to the gym or going to a coffee shop or somewhere that you frequently visit. We have this disconnect consistently between who we are when it comes to people that we aren't going to have sex with versus who we hope to have sex with. Hear me out. Our identities are very interconnected with our sexuality. When we tested positive for herpes, most people who are listening to this podcast have, that identity became challenged because we then had to ask ourselves who we are aside from our sexual selves because at some point, you know, if you're here, you were in need of support. So you were in a very low place about having herpes. And so in that low place, you may have thought that your sex life was over.
00:03:14 Courtney Brame: And you may have thought that your identity you just didn't know who you were, right? And I find it interesting looking back at who we were. um in our relationships. We were this kind of person who with this sexual confidence, this sexual freedom that we once had, it's like we just forgot who we were outside of our ability to freely merge genitals with someone without there being any, and I use air quotes when I say this, consequences, potential consequences, because it became like, oh yeah, I could just have sex, no strings. strings attached. Herpes is an attached string, right? It's not an emotional string. It's not an energetic string. It is a physical condition that you can leave someone with permanently that is going to impact their physical health, the way that they uh explore relationships and sexually like a person's sexual identity. And given that our sexuality is so interconnected with identities, arguably a herpes diagnosis can change a person's view of themselves and it challenges that.
00:04:41 Courtney Brame: And people have a right to not want their identities challenged by putting themselves at risk for an infection. Like just calling it what it is. People don't want herpes and that's fine. I think that where the problem comes in is one, we don't actually understand that, you know, you can have sex with a person who has herpes and not get herpes. Like that's that's the thing. What happens is we look at what the risk is and it's just like, h well, I don't I might give that person this. I might give it to someone and nobody wants this, so nobody wants me. And that's really where it comes in. I had a woman tell me, "I don't want herpes." And I received that as, "Oh, you don't want me." Like, no, that person just actually does not want herpes. And that's okay because after I was able to reflect and look at who I am aside from, you know, my ability to give someone sex and for them to be able to walk away from that experience and uh be able to give other people sex without having to do things like have a conversation about STI or disclose their status or give somebody like the same thing that I give to people.
Navigating Sex Clubs and Disclosure
00:06:11 Courtney Brame: I'm putting that on other people because like now I have to exercise my moral compass and disclose to people. For instance, I went to a sex club last weekend and at the sex club I uh I caught myself. I was thinking I was like, damn, you know, people here are like having a conversation and then touching each other, making out, hooking up, or they'll go to the room and they'll have sex. Like people are having sex around me. And I thought to myself, damn, like I can't do that because I have to have a very challenging conversation like in that environment. It's there's a lot of different assumptions in the air. One of which is that you're in this space and you're quote clean. You're not going to bring anything to space. And then on the other hand, it's well dude, it's a sex club. So all you can do is assume that you're going to walk away with something. So you take all of the precautions necessary in order to mitigate that risk.
00:07:14 Courtney Brame: And risk mitigation also looks like disclosing a positive herpes status, right? And we talk about um the best time to disclose, right? And it's not in the heat of the moment. It's not right before you get into bed, but when you're at a sex club, essentially when you find out someone's interested, that's kind of like when that's kind of like being headed to the bedroom. I feel like a lot of the um a lot of the formalities are skipped, if you will. And so I caught myself thinking that. I was like, damn, you know, I can't really play here. I can't have fun here because I have herpes. And it was like, man, hold up. That's not the case because and as hard as it is, like you still just have to be able to communicate. You got to be willing to communicate and say things like, "Hey, these are things that I'm bringing to our interaction right now and here is how we can share space." Like that takes a very solid
00:08:29 Courtney Brame: connection to yourself. It takes a very solid um relationship to have with yourself to identify all right you know yeah I still got this moral compass but like people may not want that knowingly either because some people's response and and this is a real thing y'all some people be like I don't even know why you told me that like why'd you tell me that now you done messed up the mood we could have just did this and went on about our business and I might not have got it but now I don't I don't want no parts of Unfortunately, that's just one way the world works. And it's okay. I mean, it is what it is. But in that setting, I found myself reverting to identifying exclusively with my sexuality. And I had to snap out of it. I was like, you know what? Like this, this isn't like what I'm here for. Like I'm here Well, I was kind of here for that if the opportunity presented itself, but it didn't.
00:09:31 Courtney Brame: Um, but I made it about, you know, my friend. I brought my friend there. My friend had a really good time and they were able to um, you know, get what they came for. Like they got what they came for and I got to see some stuff. Um, and I definitely learned a few things like going to a sex club. One of which is you want to be mindful of what the theme of the night is, if they have themes. Um, and you'll also want to come prepared. Like it's cool for you to bring a little bag with some toys in it, which uh I got some I got some stuff now. Uh I'm a lot more prepared for my next sex club visit. And then um y So I personally would like to just go with people that I play with or am going to play with. Um, I think that that makes for a better experience when it comes to the like disclosure piece.
00:10:28 Courtney Brame: Like you're there, you're having fun. And that that's attractive. Like people who have fun are attractive to other people. And other people might come into your bubble and be like, "Hey, you know, I like what y'all got going on over here. I want to be included." And then at that point, it's like this power shift of, you know, I'm not worried about being rejected for having herpes because this person has already given me validation that I'm high value or that they are interested in me like aside from my sexuality. like I'm able to experience someone experiencing me in a way that yes, they might want to get to a sexual place, but that's not what got them there. Right? So now when it comes time to disclose, I think that we come from a place of like a better sense of power because it's like you approached me because you see that you see that I'm having a good time. you seen me with my friends like we're doing our thing and now you want to be involved and I think that sex club aside like this is the same thing that happens like when you go out when you go out and you're dancing and you're like high energy radiating just a good time fun people are drawn to that like people might be more likely to come up and approach you and you're going to get approached by like high value people I don't think that people who are going to
Co-Creating the "Table" of a Relationship
00:11:52 Courtney Brame: like suck the life out of you are going to be the ones that come up and they're like oh my god I really love your energy let me add to it because that's what relationships are. Relationships are, you know, one person adding to an experience and then taking what they need in order to fuel themselves from that experience. And then you add another person, you've got two people who are contributing to a relationship and then getting what they need from the relationship. And then it's a party when you get to three or more. But the thing is, everyone also has a relationship with themselves. The relationship you have with yourself is the one that you're responsible for. I'm receiving what it is that you get out of the relationship and not taking from people. Notice that I say what you get out of the relationship, receive from the relationship, not the person. Far too often we expect people to give us things and we have no regard for uh respecting the relationship.
00:12:56 Courtney Brame: And when that happens, what happens is we realize that what we think is giving to the person is actually a selfish act, potentially a harmful selfish act that is actually draining the person because when we give in that way, it's conditional. Whereas um and I, I'll use one of my friends for example. I have a friend here in Portland. um she and I talked about like what do we want out of our friendship and I was like wow you know that's really good I like what we have been um sharing with one another which has been like a mutual accountability and challenging like ourselves you know holding us accountable to when we say things like hey well you said that this is what you were going to start doing like you're working on yourself in these ways you're um wanting to remain true to your values. You want to respect yourself more. And I love that. I love that my friend and I were able to have that conversation and follow through practically on what the connection looks like.
00:14:07 Courtney Brame: Far too often, I think that we just look up and we're in a relationship with a person, uh, a friendship. You know, when I say relationship, like we have relationships with everyone that we interact with. Even if it's like the relationship is as a stranger, the relationship is as you know just someone in proximity, a relationship that does or does not include sex. And in this relationship that does not include sex, I've been able to learn a lot about myself, especially when it comes to relationships that do include sex. Like when you remove sex from the equation, you learn a lot about who you are. And when with me not having sex with this person uh specifically, I feel like, oh, because I don't want anything from you. Uh I don't have to put on this this act of being someone that you feel like you can give that something to. And we have that like we have that shared um that that reciprocity with one another. And it's really cool to have.
00:15:19 Courtney Brame: And not all relationships look like that. Not all friendships look like that. But what I've come to learn through doing relationships like this is that neither of us are giving to or taking from the other person. We now, especially being conscious of what our friendship looks like, we recognize, okay, we have a connection. And the connection is a series of interactions, whether it be phone calls, text messages, hanging out, playing board games, going drinking, going dancing, or even going to a sex club together, right? We recognize that we are each giving what we like, looking at your values, your integrity, what you do, how you show up. We're giving these things to the relationship. So, it's almost like you're uh h I got to use the table analogy. I've been trying to not say, "What are you bringing to the table?" But think about it like, "Okay, we're setting a table. Um, I'm great at grilling, but I'm not really great at cooking vegetables or making desserts, right?
00:16:22 Courtney Brame: So, I've grilled the meats, right? I got a turkey and um like uh I don't know like just meat like I provided the meat and the other person provides like a veggie and we outsource and pick up like carbs from the store and um we collectively make the dessert and we're both like setting the table and then when it comes time like we sit down and we eat together, right? I'm not eating the food from the other person's mouth and they're not eating the food from my mouth. Like we have collectively set this table, the connection, the interaction. We decided what was going to be on the menu and then we brought that and we got what we liked. Like if that other person is vegetarian, they're not going to eat the turkey. But the meal is still prepared for people to take and eat uh what they want and as much as they want of what's on the table. That's how our connections, that's how our relationships function.
00:17:24 Courtney Brame: Two people giving to the interaction and then taking what it is that they need from the interaction in order to continue it. So I have this like visual in my head of uh a stick figure on the right, a stick figure on the left, and between the stick figure, a circle that just has different things uh connection, uh intimacy, feeling seen, identity, validation, fun, maybe like some mutual interest in hobbies, board games, music, dancing, and an arrow from each person going into the circle, which is what they are giving. and then an arrow coming from the circle to the person being what they're receiving. So it's like you know you're energetically putting something in so that you get something else out that maybe you yourself are not the best at providing but you're learning that through the interactions with the other person. So no one's taking all parties involved have chosen to give u what it is that they have an abundance of and people can take from the interaction what has been made available from the other person.
Unmasking the False Sexual Self
00:18:40 Courtney Brame: I hope that made sense because it did to me and wow I'm like I'm blown away by being able to have articulated that in the way that I have. All right. So, you've come to this episode after having listened to the dating episode, right? And so, relationships are in fact significantly different from dating. Um, and I just gave an example of a platonic relationship. And I want to challenge people to look at their platonic relationships and see what aspects of themselves do they lose or what dissolves when you go into a sexual relationship or like what's the difference? What is the difference between your relationship with someone you don't want to have sex with and someone you do want to have sex with? In my experience, I have been more of myself with a person that I am not going to have sex with and I don't want to have sex with than I am with someone that I am actively trying to have sex with. Like being me yourself seems like it won't get you laid.
00:19:53 Courtney Brame: It just flat out. Um, but being yourself is what draws friends to you. It's what draws in your people. It's what makes you more visible to the kind of people who are going to love, support, challenge, and celebrate you. And that is the kind of energy and relationship that I want to have for myself because I look back on all my relationships and I realize, wow, I wasn't myself. I was someone who wanted something and I put on this um I had to be a certain kind of person in order to get it. And yeah, there's a game that's being played when it comes to dating. But when you look at it like all right, you know, I'm dating for relationships. I think everybody's dating for relationships. um you know even if it's a casual relationship or if it's a long-term relationship like relationship is attached to each and every one of these kinds of connections that um we might be pursuing in a way that includes sex or sexuality.
00:21:00 Courtney Brame: So um looking at my experiences, it's been a matter of not maintaining a relationship with myself. So I just talked about giving to the interaction and then receiving from the interaction. I have made an effort to give directly to a person and then expect for them to directly give back to me. And when you do that, you may exceed your own capacity and you're making someone exceed their own capacity or you're making them set boundaries with you. Now, the way that I do relationships now, I'm aware of boundaries. I understand them. I'm able to communicate that. But the way that I was doing relationships leading up to this point, I've been draining people. And I've been draining myself by not being who I really am. I think that at 33 years old, living in Portland, Oregon, and having as many platonic relationships as I do, I am more of myself than I've ever known myself to be because I'm not trying to get something from someone.
00:22:15 Courtney Brame: And I think that with not trying to get something from a person, I think it sets you up to have interactions where you are receiving more from the interactions. And giving just seems natural because it's overflowing abundantly in a way that you don't even feel exhausted. You don't even feel taken from. Like I hang out with my friends, y'all. I feel great. I feel energized. Now, some people are flaky. We we can talk about um there's no reason to really bring that up, but like um I guess since I said it, I have to, but like I looked at rejection and how we experience so many mini and micro rejections on a regular basis from people who mean far more to us than someone that we mesh with on a dating app who tells us that they don't want to sleep with us because we have herpes. And we don't even think about it. Like if I'm like, "Hey, you want to hang out?" out and someone's like,
00:23:10 Courtney Brame: "No, I have something to do." That's a rejection. Or someone calls me and I don't answer the phone, that's a rejection, right? It shows up in so many ways in our platonic relationships, but we don't value those nearly as much as we do our intimate relationships or relationships that sex is involved. And again, it goes back to our sexual identity being or our sexuality being so interconnected with our identity. So, I've learned who I am in relationships that don't have sex involved. And I am someone who can be touchy. I can be playful, fun, flirty, but like I know what those boundaries are. And there's something to even be said for that. Um, like we have to act like someone we're not in order to feel out what someone's boundaries are. And the more that I've been around my friends, the more that I'm becoming direct and communicative just to ask like, "Hey, do you want to do this thing? Do you like this thing?
00:24:14 Courtney Brame: Like, are you attracted to me? Uh, is there any sexual chemistry here? Can I tie you up with this robe? Like, how far can we take this? Do you want to go to a sex club?" And in those interactions, I have learned that I've become much more comfortable with the idea of rejection because uh I think I think that there's something to be said for the trust that's there. Whereas again, you know, someone that you don't even know, you don't even trust, like you just know you're attracted to them and that you might have a sexual experience. You, I included, let's just say we go into that and we forget and I'm smiling because I'm trying not to laugh at how ridiculous it is, y'all. We go into these low risk interactions with high stakes. It's low risk in the sense that that person has no idea who we really are. And like we've only introduced them to the person that we think we need to be in order to get a relationship from them or in order to get Yeah.
00:25:23 Courtney Brame: in order to get a particular type of relationship from them. And we're chasing a thing with them and you know it's low risk in the sense we should be able to just tell them hey you know I have herpes. Here's what the deal is, but you know, I'm still interested in you. And regardless of what their response is, it shouldn't crush us. It should not crush us because of who we are and who we've shown ourselves to be as a result of the relationships that we have that don't include sex. Like sex is a bonus, right? If you are unable to, you know, accept that part of me, then you don't get to know all of me. And in one of our episodes with the trauma therapist Loren, not Lorine HD, uh she said that and I thought that that was really good, but now like I've had experiences since then that show me that I can elaborate on that a little bit more.
00:26:22 Courtney Brame: And so yeah, you know, you might want to hook up with someone sooner, but like why are we so much more invested in these low risk interactions than we are in the people around us? like uh when I started disclosing my status to my friends, it really validated me to hear from people who've known me for 10 plus years say that that changes nothing about me. Like they didn't even bat an eye, but also, you know, they know me outside of sexual context. Like, and I'm not more of who I am in sex. I am who I am, period. And then when we have sexual context, like I bring that into um I bring elements of that into the sexual encounter, not the other way around. Like do we just shut off sex in order to maintain our platonic friendships? No. Absolutely not. Because our sexual selves, like even if we have sex, what is it like 15 minutes to an hour, right? So you're telling me that one up to 124th of who you have to be over the course of a day is more of who you are than you are than who you are those other 23 hours.
Polishing Our Relational Mirrors
00:27:36 Courtney Brame: And granted like sometimes you sleep and but you like we have jobs that we go to. We have hobbies and interests and we have things that are curated to our social media feed. We might read or listen to podcasts, or listen to certain types of music. These things are who our friends get. Like those parts of ourselves, that's who our friends get because that's who we are. And so I share that to say that it is so important that we have a relationship with ourselves. We know how we show up, who we're showing up as in our platonic relationships because those every relationship serves as a mirror. So the more clear that you are on who you are for yourself, the better you're able to reflect who the people around you are. And when you have the kind of people who I think that there's like an on switch off switch who are on to being receptive of who they really are and really seeing themselves and maybe committed to being supported, challenged and celebrated by loved ones and people around them who they care about to hold them accountable for being who they say they want to be.
00:28:42 Courtney Brame: And then you have the people who have the off switch who are like, "Ah, I don't want to see that." like, uh-uh, nope, avoid it. I'm gonna deflect. I don't want to be seen today, people. Um, and when you have those around you, like you have people who can't really show you who you are. And I use this metaphor of like the more clear your mirror is, the more of you the more of yourself you're able to see in other people and vice versa. I think about like dirty mirrors as you know like if if I'm someone who is around someone who is really sure about who they are and they are who they are no matter what consistently I love those people because you know what their mirrors are clear and I'm able to see my own mirror and my experience with them and the insecurities that come up are like smudges on the mirror and when you are aware of them you can get what you need you can get the Windex and the paper towel and just kind of wipe that smudge and there may even be a few cracks in the mirror, but those like cracks, I'd say herpes is a crack because it's permanent.
00:29:52 Courtney Brame: But the way that I feel about herpes has been a smudge and I was able to just wipe that off. like I don't feel that way anymore even though like you know there's a little bit of a crack on my mirror because it is a herpes diagnosis and it's something that might bring about an insecurity or it might be something that you know when other people see that crack in the mirror they're unable to see an aspect of themselves and that aspect of themselves that they're unable to see is themselves as someone who might get herpes for having sex with me or someone who might also have to address an insecurity that they don't want to. So, it's really like a little bit of a reflection of a blind spot. It's being able to see yourself in other people and being able to show other people themselves in you can sometimes bring awareness to blind spots. These blind spots being um things that are unavoidable if you like once you see it, you don't unsee it.
00:31:02 Courtney Brame: And people don't want to see the thing that they don't see so bad, y'all. I can't, I can't even tell you. Like I've been there. I've been one of those people. But it's important that we have a good enough relationship with ourselves to where we can keep our mirror clean. And it's also important that we surround ourselves with other people who keep their mirrors clean because a bunch of dingy dirty mirrors, you ain't seeing who you really are. And that's kind of where you operate from your blind spots. You have these subconscious behaviors. You go into relationships and you're like, "My sexual v my sexual worth, my worth is my sexuality. My identity is my sexuality. My ability to merge genitals is consequence-free and risk-free. and I have my sexual freedom. You have your sexual freedom. We came together for this experience. And we part ways until we find what it is that we're looking for.
00:31:56 Courtney Brame: And people don't want to accept that. Like that we in our sexual freedom have been taught to give that to the person that the person, the one that's what we've been taught. And if we don't look at that and examine that, then we find ourselves hiding, you know, things like our body count, like how many people we had sex with. Because we're taught to save that for your person. Save the exploration. Save the experience for your person, the person that you're supposed to marry, spend the rest of your life with. That's who our sexuality is for. And one of the ways that that manifests in human behavior is like if we get herpes, oh my god, the one isn't going to want me anymore. I'm never going to find the one. The idea of the one wouldn't exist if, you know, the one wasn't going to be someone who's accepting of you. So, we think that we miss out on the opportunity of being with the one because we have herpes and we didn't do what we were supposed to do in terms of maintaining our sexual freedom and therefore giving that person their sexual freedom.
00:33:07 Courtney Brame: And it's ridiculous when you say it out loud, when you play with the idea and you think about what it means to have sexual freedom. All it means is I can hide things about my sex life that I don't want to talk about with a person who is going to provide me with the long-term security in a relationship that I want. But in the meantime, I don't care about anybody else. Like we, we might be having experiences with the one on a regular basis because and I've not- I probably not said names really but Eckhart Tolle um speaks to presence uh his book Stillness Speaks the power of now um what was the other one… there's A New Earth… these are three books that I've read and he really… the theme is presence now, the moment um suffering occurs according to Eckhart Tolle… suffering can only occur uh when we are having or being present with memories, thoughts of the past or our imagination thoughts of the future. That's where suffering lies, right?
00:34:17 Courtney Brame: So when we're lingering on past relationships, when we're idealizing future relationships and not being present with the relationships that we have now, like you recognize when youre present that everyone is the one. Everyone is the one. And we neglect our relationship to ourselves. That neglect, the neglecting of the relationship that we have to ourselves is what often lets us operate in this zombie mode in relationships and we just like to have friends. We look up, we've been friends for so long and we think, "Oh, I don't want to lose that friendship because if I tell them that I have herpes, they're going to judge me." Why are you friends with a person like that if you're present with what you just said? Like, what does that say about you? That means that you are also inhibited in your expression and who you are. And that's not what life is about. Life is about expressing experiences being experienced. And you telling me that you can't tell your friend that you are struggling with something because you fear that they're going to not be your friend anymore.
00:35:33 Courtney Brame: Then what's a friend? Like what, what is a friend to you? Like you might need more enemies because enemies are at least going to be like what do you mean? like you got I think that an enemy would have a conscious, you know, awareness of hurting you. Like, all right, you're expecting it from an enemy, but you also expect it from a friend. Like, you might as well that might as well be your enemy. So, um damn, I was meaning to get to like examples of relationships that I've been in. Um, so hopefully, you know, me reflecting here can help someone. But um looking back my most recent ending of a relationship uh like a boyfriend girlfriend relationship I recognized that that a lot of the history that I have in relationships has really come from me being the emotional support system and being used for that while I'm using the partner that I'm with for some aspect of convenience. like my most recent relationships.
Boundaries, "Cats in Heat," and Toxic Dynamics
00:36:37 Courtney Brame: Um, one was like, "Okay, well, you know, you have a car. You also can cook. You also um have uh I don't want to go into like, you know, too many details about the other person, but um consistent sex. The relationship before that um we lived together and so the rent was split and while I'm being used for the emotional support while this person is navigating a challenging thing that's been like the theme in my most recent relationships is that I've been the emotional support directly to that person. Now remember what I said earlier relationships are about what you're bringing to the interaction and then receiving what you need from the interaction. It's not taking and uh giving directly to the person because we might overload what our capacities are. And I've overloaded my capacities in these relationships like I've been used and I've also used the other person. Um and these relationships in that sense would have become abusive either emotionally or mentally. Um, no, nobody.
00:37:57 Courtney Brame: Yeah. Then I don't think I've ever been physically abused in college, but like I don't know. She hit me one time, so we let that go. Um, in these relationships, I recognized that pattern of being used emotionally. And so, uh, I really reflected. I listened to some podcasts, y'all. I talked to my therapist. And what I found, this go this gonna mess y'all up. You ready? Brace yourself. All right. Okay, cats are in heat right outside my house and it's more than one. Yep, it is officially summer. Do you hear that? Hold on. Let me see if I can see outside. Like, where are they? They sound like they right here. Where are these cats at? Oh my goodness. Okay, I'm going to try and finish what I'm trying to say.
00:39:12 Courtney Brame: These cats are getting it in and they are so loud. Oh my god. Okay. Okay. Let me get back to where I was. My bad, y'all. That was so distracting. They did this s*** like in the middle of the night one day. Uh like right now it's the morning. It's 8:00 in the morning and I'm recording this. But I remember they were up at maybe 3:00/4:00 a.m. and I was like, "What the hell is going on?" And I just put the pillow over my ears, y'all. Like these cats are in heat. All right. Anyway, high cat summer. I'm terrible. Okay. So, therapy and everything. And the thing that I was going to say is that we find unavailability attractive. I don't want to speak for everybody. I find unavailability attractive.
Redefining Selfishness as Self-Care
00:40:09 Courtney Brame: Hear me out. So, um, I've been looking at the word selfish lately, and I think that what I've been taught is selfish is actually self-care. Here's why. So selfish by definition is someone who prioritizes their own pleasure, their own profit dot dot dot at the expense of other people like harming other people. Okay. In what way? Like when you look at the opposite of what selfish is, it's like selfless. Like there is no self. You're always giving to people. You're always doing things. And what did I just say about that? like giving to an interaction. How can you give to an interaction when you have not prioritized your own pleasure if you're not showing up in your happiest self or your most expressed self? Let's say that selfishness is prioritizing your own expression. Okay? And it doesn't hurt people. Like when it hurts people, yeah, it's the bad selfish.
00:41:25 Courtney Brame: But when it doesn't help hurt people, it's self-care. It's that identity care, that identity validation. I am selfish in the sense that my priority is Something Positive for Positive People. While yeah, I don't make money from it. Like it's the thing that I feel most expressed in like talking right now and expressing my vulnerability and being able to share my experiences with you all. This is selfish of me in doing this selfish thing, prioritizing this instead of texting people back right now or instead of um uh like giving to people like I'm doing this. And in turn, how many of y'all are listening to this podcast right now and like getting something out of it? How many of you have listened over the last five years and gotten something out of it? Right? That's me being selfish because I am prioritizing what's important to me. This brings me pleasure. This brings me joy. This brings me peace.
00:42:28 Courtney Brame: This is my vehicle of expression. And in me prioritizing that and me being selfish, and I use air quotes when I say that it's not harming anyone. However, it's harmful if I'm in a relationship. It's harmful, it's threatening. It's threatening to the time that I would get with my partner. like if I chose to record this podcast instead of laying on the couch watching TV or sleeping in and cuddling. Um, and that's where the definition of selfish is weaponized. Um, we are only selfish to other people who aren't getting from us what they want or what they have been used to getting from us. But when I'm able to be selfish, come here, do this, like the people who listen to the podcast are able to get pleasure from it, joy from it, hopefully something that allows for you to go off and express your own self and be selfish so that you can also give something to other people. Like that is the purest form of giving.
00:43:33 Courtney Brame: locking myself into my room and typing up these business plans and um making time to post on social media and speak and talk to people like if I'm not doing these things, if I'm not making my therapist use this point. He was like, "Okay, if you are drinking all night and you wake up and you hung over every day that you show up for work, sSomething Positive for Positive People, you're not able to give people the best of you. So, yeah, you prioritize drinking in that moment, which was a selfish decision, getting drunk, being hung over, but the selfish thing that causes harm is choosing to go to work rather than being like, "Oo, I'm hung over. Let me not let me not show up for people like this. I'm going to consciously choose to show up for people rested, recovered with stuff to talk about in a solid neutral head space. Like that is self-care that's not selfish. It's selfish when it- it's causing and see like it's selfish in the bad way, right?
00:44:41 Courtney Brame: So it's really tough to think about there. But anyway, using that as an example, whenever I was being selfish in a way that prioritized what my needs were or if I wanted something for myself that wasn't harming the other person, but they felt threatened by it. That's when it became negative and selfish. And looking back, this is why all my relationships have ended because of the giving directly to taking directly from rather than being selfish and like choosing to prioritize and express yourself. One of us or both of us were not being selfish, prioritizing, expressing ourselves, and looking for that in the other person. Looking for them to be like, "Oh, we're going to do something today." And them looking to me and being like, "What are we going to do today?" Like, "I'm off work today. What are we going to do?" like assuming and and just assuming that you know for me just because I make my own schedule that you know I can just do whatever I want.
00:45:52 Courtney Brame: No, the reality is I'm on everybody else's schedule except my own. And that's one of the things that um you know it makes me have to be selfish. For instance, like from 9:00 p.m. to 9:00 a.m. I don't respond to messages on social media. I turn on my Wi-Fi uh the only time I can be on social media is when I'm on Wi-Fi. And I set a hard boundary for myself, like no messages between 9:00 p.m. and 9:00 a.m. I mean, unless it's like a priority of some sort, like um I had to just message someone at 7:30 because we had a podcast recording at 9:00 a.m. Like those are the cases. But yeah, just like not engaging on social media. I try to not be on there, but baby steps. Like the big thing is no like DMs um about podcast stuff, nonprofit stuff um or posting between 9:00 p.m. 9:00 a.m. And that's me, that's me being selfish so that I can show up useful and I can give this to people.
00:46:58 Courtney Brame: whatever it is that you find yourself getting out of this podcast episode, whatever it is that you get out of um the H on my chest, Something Positive for Positive People content. So, um yeah, reflecting on the word selfish has been really powerful for me because with that selfishness comes a level of unavailability. And I recognized that like me, being super available has been unattractive. Like people ask me, "Hey, you want to do this?" And um I've been there was a point where I was dating a lot of people. I think I mentioned that on the last podcast episode. I counted it as 11. And like when I had hit somebody up like we'd have a day and it was like yeah you know I'm free. I'm free on this day because I was able to make myself available on those days. Also like I'm working for myself like I was waiting on a lot of people to get back to me about things. So I wasn't really working like I had applied for a job.
00:47:56 Courtney Brame: I was waiting on the interview process and then with uh the things that I do like I produce podcast for money and like that doesn't take much and I can do it anytime so I had a lot more availability and over time I think that that openness and availability just might have become unattractive to a few people and like I just ain't heard from them. Somebody made up some excuse about not having time anymore. It was a lot of those relationships just went away basically. But I recognized that it was my lack of availability that or my unavailability that, you know, drew people in. They're like, damn, you know, his attention has a lot more quality to it or value to it. I want some of that. Like I what do I got to do? Oh, okay. Okay, I'll make myself available because Courtney's only available this time, this day, and for these activities, right? So, I've caught myself too in saying like I'm only going to I make a real good side piece.
The Attractive Power of Unavailability
00:49:02 Courtney Brame: I think I don't know if I said that on a recent podcast, but I know I made that joke in conversation that like I make a great side, dude, because I'm so unavailable with work. I'm still going through the process of uh I have to complete my 300 hour yoga certification so that I can be 500 hour certified. I also have a part-time job that every chance I get, I'm working that thing cuz I need money and I know that the opportunities ain't going to always be there. Um, I am seeing people. I am making time for my friends and I'm also making time for myself. And I recognize that the most unavailable people are in fact the most attractive because when they're unavailable for like uh for themselves when they're unavailable because they are creating when they're unavailable because they are spending time with their family. when they're unavailable because they have priorities. They have things that are going on that are attractive, right? Because the value of their time is interconnected with where they put their time, where they put their focus, right?
00:50:17 Courtney Brame: It's not interconnected with where they're not putting their time. Because like to me, somebody who is always just on social media, that is unattractive. Like if you just mindlessly scrolling or if you are always watching TV like those kinds of things are unattractive to me. But someone who is pouring passion into a project, someone who's pouring passion into their family, someone who is like, you know, using social media to, you know, express yourself in a way of like, hey, this is what I got going on or this is what I use this for. Like those kinds of things are attractive. I like that. Like them things. And I noticed that like I I and this ties into a little bit of self-rejection, which I want to go deeper into on another episode, but I recognize that like I assume that attractive women are unavailable because of childhood beliefs if you listen to the previous episode. And because someone's attractive, they have a lot of options. They're exploring those options and where confidence comes in or insecurity.
00:51:26 Courtney Brame: Insecurity says ah you know what would make them prioritize me over all their other options. Confidence says I am so selfish in what it is that I have going on. I'm so sure of myself. I'm so expressive in what I'm doing. Like I value the quality of my time and the quality of my attention that I give to someone is high enough to where, you know, they'll prioritize me. That's confidence. But the insecurity is, oh, that person's attractive, so they're more than likely unavailable, so I'm not even going to try, y'all. I'm not even going to try to approach this person. I'm not going to try to start a conversation with them. I'm not going to, I'm just not, I'm just not going to. And that's one of the ways that I recognize my relationship with myself is one that um like I've self-rejected a lot like again going back to the many rejections right um many rejections from friends many rejections to friends family members and then the the big one again it carries so much more weight when it comes to I want sex from this person I want sex with this person that I can either perceive my quality of attention and time as peak high, like it's valuable, it's high quality because of everything that I have going on.
00:52:54 Courtney Brame: And I'm unavailable for BS. I'm unavailable for anything that isn't what I want. And so when someone is unavailable for anything that they think isn't what they want, they make themselves available for what they do want. And when you are in the presence of someone who makes themselves available to you, for you, it makes you feel wanted at that quality level. Makes you feel desired at that quality level. This is what we ought to be striving for when it comes to relationships. Being unavailable for anything less than what it is that you want so that you can make yourself available to pour your… to the benefits… reaping the benefits of what you've sown and your creative expression through your selfishness. Putting that into that circle, the diagram, so that you can pull what you need from that circle, the diagram that has been created, co-created in the relationship between yourself and another person or yourself and your community and other people. And this is why community is so important because you got a bunch of people pouring them uh overflowing.
00:54:10 Courtney Brame: If they're selfish in their own way, they got their own things going on. They overflow into the relationship, that circle. And many people are doing that. So that when it comes to that community, you can step in and just take whatever it is that you need from the interactions from the community's uh interaction bubble connection. That's what I feel for myself through Something Positive for Positive People. Y'all give me that like this community. I have like a big ass circle bubble that I stand on the outside of. I get to walk around and I get to pour the benefits of my selfishness into this bubble. Y'all come in, y'all contribute by hyping me up. Y'all compliment me. Y'all this is what y'all do for me. Y'all support me. You celebrate me and you challenge me on a regular basis. That is what my community is. That is the relationship.
00:55:15 Courtney Brame: This community reflects um heavily the importance of me having a relationship with myself and knowing what that relationship is, making sure that it is conscious, making sure that it is taken care of, making sure that I am selfish so that I can continue to overflow the the the the fruit that comes from my tree so that y'all can eat from it and the apples or whatever the fruit is just falls into this bubble that we've created. This - the circle that's between us. Y'all can take whatever it is that you need in abundance. I can continue to take whatever it is that I need from this community collectively. No one is taking from anyone and no one is forcing anything on anyone beyond their own capacity. Wow. I've never said that before, but like it's it gave me chills a little bit and I kind of teared up a little bit because that's that's real. And I think now walking away from this, I might even journal like post podcasts.
00:56:23 Courtney Brame: Um that's that that selfishness that unavailability is, you know, unavailable is seen as a negative thing. But if you're not unavailable, then you really can't be like you can't be the positive of that. Like it's almost like this polarity. The more unavailable you are, the higher the quality of your availability. The more available you are, the lower quality of your unavailability. And what that looks like is, oh, you ain't doing s***. You can come to me, you can come to this thing that I've known about for a really long time and I'm just now telling you about… I can tell you to do things last minute and you'll always be available. So, I'll invite you last minute. I'll invite you as an afterthought. That's what that looks like. And that doesn't feel good, does it? So, therefore, that is unattractive. That aspect of availability is unattractive. But for somebody who, you know, people approach me, they're like, "Oh, I know you got a lot going on. I know you're probably super busy.
00:57:24 Courtney Brame: You'll never see this." No. When I see it and I reply, people are always like, "Oh my god, I really can't believe you replied to me. You didn't have to respond. I can't believe how quickly you did." I'm starting to see now how valuable that is. How valuable my response is to some people who, you know, perceive me as unavailable because I am busy and I'm like- I downplay it significantly. I'm like, "Oh, you know, I'm not that busy, y'all. I don't have that much going on." I do, y'all. I am an unavailable MF for anything that's not what I care about, for anything that's not important to me. Wait, I'm unavailable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because the quality of my availability and I have to believe this. It's on me and belief is something that I also want to touch it on as well. um because of how powerful that is because I believe that I believed that you know I had to be available all the time until I started putting up boundaries and recognizing that you know just because I'm unavailable for x amount of time you know that doesn't mean that the world stops or that you know it's the end of the world for someone um just because I miss the message right away right so yeah I recognize the quality of my availability, and I want y'all to see this too,
00:58:54 Courtney Brame: is so much more valuable, attractive, um, when I am able to selfishly be unavailable because I'm expressing and pouring passion into the things that I care about. And again, like this community is something that I care about. this platform, Something Positive for Positive People, because I'm selfishly pouring into it. Y'all are able to get what you need from that. You're not taking from me. You're getting from the interaction. You're getting from the relationship that we've created. Like, yes, you're listening to me and I'm talking. That's the bubble that we have between us is this podcast. So, I want you to by listening, you're giving. When you interact with me about it, you're giving to the interaction. Take from the interaction what you need. And I'm able to take from the interaction what I need. That fuels me to continue to be able to be selfishly unavailable to the point where I can continue to overflow the abundance of my expression, my passion. So, I thank y'all for that because now I… this just boosted my confidence being able to say this and I really hope that it does for you as well. All right, till next time, stay sex positive.
Transcription ended after 01:00:41
