SPFPP 368: The Eulogy of Ego

The Eulogy of the Ego

Grieving the Identity I Thought I Had to Be

"This isn’t the death of a relationship—it’s the death of who I thought I had to be to be loved."

Breakups can feel like loss. But what I’m grieving right now isn’t just a person—it’s a version of myself I created in hopes of being accepted, wanted, and safe. This breakup forced me to sit with that version of me. And then, to let him go.

This episode of Something Positive for Positive People isn’t about herpes. It’s about heartbreak. It’s about masculinity. It’s about healing. It’s about what happens when we stop contorting ourselves to be palatable and start reclaiming the parts of us we abandoned for love.

Grieving the Ego, Not the Relationship

What I realized after the end of my relationship is that I wasn’t just grieving her. I was grieving the part of me I created for her.

“Capital C Courtney” was performative. He was polite, dependable, emotionally regulated, always doing the right thing. But lowercase c—Courtney, the curious, chaotic, messy one—got buried beneath that performance. That version of me—the one who felt deeply, who wanted to play, who was honest even when it wasn’t neat—that’s who I’m getting back to.

I didn’t lose a partner. I released a persona.

Masculinity, Anger & Emotional Suppression

I’ve had a fear of my own anger for a long time. Growing up, my anger was policed. Sports became the one outlet where I could be physical, expressive, loud. But as I got older and stopped playing, I had no place to put that energy.

So I tucked it away. I got quieter. Nicer. More digestible. That came with a cost.

I wasn’t just suppressing my anger—I was suppressing my vitality.

Safety vs. Freedom

The relationship offered a kind of safety. But it came at the expense of my freedom. And for me, those two things can’t be separated.

The more free I feel, the safer I feel.

But freedom can feel threatening—especially to people who’ve never had it modeled in a healthy way. And when you’re socialized to be someone else’s safe space, you start betraying yourself without even realizing it.

I didn’t want to cheat. I didn’t want to lie. I just wanted to feel like I could breathe.

Reclaiming My Inner Child

“Lowercase c Courtney” just wanted to play. He wanted to laugh. To be goofy. To be wrong sometimes. To be curious without shame. He wanted to make mistakes and still feel worthy of love.

I forgot how to let him lead.

Instead, I tried to be a man who had it all together. The "good guy." But that guy didn’t leave room for my full humanity. He didn’t make space for the kid in me who needed to be seen—not just tolerated.

Sex, Expression & Shadow Integration

For a long time, sex was how I expressed what I didn’t feel safe saying.

Desire. Anger. Joy. Sadness. Playfulness.

All of it got funneled into sex. Especially after my herpes diagnosis, I had to start asking: Am I having sex to connect—or to avoid? To reclaim agency—or to be chosen?

Letting go of shame around desire has been part of this grieving. I’m not ashamed of my sexual self anymore. I’m just learning how to express him more clearly, with more choice and less compulsion.

Capital C vs. Lowercase c

“Capital C Courtney” was my ego. He followed the rules. He stayed emotionally safe. He did what was expected of him. But I don’t want to live like that anymore.

I want to be whole, not just good.

Because being good often meant being silent. Numb. Disconnected. And I’m done with that. I want to show up in my wholeness—even if it’s messy, even if it means not being who someone else wants me to be.

Final Reflections: Presence Over Performance

This experience stripped away a lot. But what’s left is presence.

I’m learning that presence is more powerful than performance. That wholeness is more sustainable than perfection. That freedom and safety aren’t opposites—they’re partners.

This eulogy isn’t for a relationship. It’s for an ego. For the version of me that was tired of performing, pleasing, and pretending.

I’m choosing to honor lowercase c Courtney now. The one who feels deeply. The one who plays. The one who knows that the most honest love starts with self.

Listen to the Episode

🎧 Episode 368 – The Eulogy of the Ego
Available on Apple Podcasts | Spotify | SPFPP.org

Note: There is a one-minute silence around the 1:05:57 mark due to a mic issue. Feel free to skip that section.