SPFPP 236: 69

This episode is about perspective. I draw a six on the ground in front of you and you don’t see that, you see a nine. There’s a process that happens in the brain calling from our past experiences that lead us to communicating to another person what we see and boy did I realize this and have a healing experience with my parents. You’ll hear about it here.

I've run Something Positive for Positive People for 5 and a half years now and it's been a non-profit for a little over 3 of those years. I'm experiencing really mixed emotions as I sit here about to hit the "transfer funds" button to pay myself even though the money from the Oregon Health Authority has been signed off on to go TO ME.

The struggle comes from having my identity wrapped into not just being someone who doesn't need anything from others, but also who others need. I see that spill into SPFPP as me infinitely giving with ease but facing significant discomfort with receiving, as that's what this space, podcast, advocacy, website, platform is all built on.

This resistance to receiving what I've worked for, or am worthy of stems from events in childhood that I gave a narrative to as an adult that dictated my behavior. Beliefs like it's selfish for me to take more than I need when so many others don't even have their survival needs supported.

The resistance to receiving was a misinterpretation of how I wanted the world to see me, as selfless, needless, NEEDED, and it took for me to hear from Nikki & Courtney (my mother and father) in THEIR words that I can go beyond just surviving and thrive.

I asked my parents directly to validate me because at 33 years old, 2.5 years into therapy, I finally realize there's a psychological block I have to receiving fully. I've been asking the world around me for something without asking for it as a substitute for what I've been seeking from my parents since . . . Who knows? I'm privileged that I was able to experience this healing having both my parents still here when I came to realize that the validation I receive through my work, passion, hobbies, relationships, etc. despite their quantity, carry little to no significance at all.

No, I don't need anyone to validate me except myself, but my SELF was trapped in a fog of misinterpreted beliefs about who I believe myself to be. There's this reoccurring dream I have where I'm a kid being picked up from my mom by my dad. We got to his house for the weekend and he walks to the door. I hop out, shut the door, walk around the car to the house by a sewer and something grabs my leg. In my dream, I scream for my dad to save me, but he doesn't hear me. I interpreted that as "he can't hear me". After hearing my father say to me "Son, I didn't realize you needed anything", I realized that I wasn't screaming for help. I was too proud to ask for it because I didn't think he could help me.

I broke through my chains of fog by directly asking both my mother and my father for what the world around me feeds me often but I can't digest, validation. How the world sees me isn't near as important as how I see me, yet the fog of my beliefs wasn't something I alone could come out of.

So I screamed. I screamed for my mother and father. Asking for help was enough to lift the fog enough to see my next step out of it. I can work with that, but I took it a step further and I asked them to validate me, which was the hardest thing I've done to that date.

Their validation, and expression of how they see me lifted the fog completely as I was able to let go of my narratives I created about how they saw me and I was able to hear from them how they saw me. What's powerful about this process is that now I am no longer guessing "how do my parents see me?". Knowing that I was wrong about how they see me allowed for me to know that I was wrong about how I SEE ME, because I couldn't.

The validation I subconsciously sought out from the world to tell me who to be didn't guide me through the fog like I thought it was, it kept me there. My parents led me through my false narratives and beliefs with their voices so that I could recognize my own.

My voice is saying I AM worthy, confident, capable, intelligent, deserving, and many other kind and inspiring things that I've been able to say to any and everyone else BUT myself.

I am worthy of receiving.

I hit that transfer funds button with tears - because I know the IRS gone get a piece of it lol, but mostly because I'm proud of myself for asking for what I need directly, and having received the bonus of having my mother and father to give me the permission I needed to be the person who gives myself permission to receive.

Episode 236 Transcript

The "69" Metaphor: Perspective and Communication

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: “I admire your intelligence, the sense of responsibility, the independent nature, the willingness to help other people. This is evident by the work you do and your outgoing nature. Way you just pick up the need, go to another state and the way that you deal with other people, any other type of people. I think all those profoundly are profoundly admirable. Okay, sorry it took me so long. I hope that helps you out. I'm going to start my day. I love you. I'll talk to you soon.” I don't know how much time I have to say what I'm going to say or if I'm going to be able to fit this into the hour. So, um, quick intro. Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People 501c3 nonprofit organization that you can donate to via Venmo or Cash App at Courtney Brame. If you want to be a long-term Patreon subscriber, go to patreon.com and then you can just search us under something positive for positive people. On PayPal, you can donate to us if you're outside the US and you can just type in uh slash SPFPP.

00:01:59 Courtney Brame: That's just the acronym for Something Positive for Positive People. Um, I'm going to read something real quick before um talking and this was like a thought out process and um I think that it's important that I read this here. All right. So, title of the podcast 69, ha ha ha ha, right? Funny. Um, but what it's about is perspective. We're looking at the same thing in the same location. If my mother drew a nine on the floor standing across from me, I see a six before I even know what numbers are. It's a particular color, font, shape. The lighting is different from our angles. I have to learn what a six is in order to communicate to her that I am seeing a six. She drew a nine. And so she's communicating that me saying that this is a six isn't right at the point where I can communicate. So I describe it to her and maybe there are some aspects of the shape that we both perceive the same but she cannot know what I'm seeing if she's stuck where she is and neither can I. I have to be willing to go where she is or ask her to come to where I am and we describe it together.

00:03:25 Courtney Brame: Then we notice all the miscommunications about the shape. That shift in perspective starts with a willingness for someone to be vulnerable and ask for what they need. I needed to understand why she made me out to be wrong for so long. I could have been stuck guessing and trying to make myself right. But I went out into the world and saw all kinds of shapes, all kinds of fonts. Some that looked like a six and others that looked like a nine. But that's in reference to me. I went off being wrong and making others wrong about what they were experiencing with no regard for the way that they were taught to draw a shape, aka communicate. What shapes looked like to them, aka communication. What material was used to draw it. What it's drawn on, how it was drawn, its font, its uniqueness, the color chosen, the lighting, the brightness, the size, the list goes on. All this time, I internalize the perspectives of my parents drawing a nine as me being wrong in all my perceptions leading to not trust myself.

00:04:44 Courtney Brame: when all I needed to do was challenge the narratives with willful action to understand from the sources by why I thought I was wrong through trying to make myself right with others forcing them to look at my six and validate the image nobody is wrong but our unwillingness to be wrong creates a lifetime of suffering through trying to be Right? If you have the chance, ask your earliest influences, primary providers, parents, whoever is still around, just what they were trying to show you with a willingness to understand. My direct asking of my parents for what I needed from them showed me that we see the same things. But there is a different narrative attached to them that is based on perspective. Perspective that I may not have gotten if I let the narrative that I created be the narrative. So, um that's what I hope to elaborate on in this podcast episode. Uh through sharing both what my parents think of me. Um I asked them to just tell me, you know, how do you see me?

Asking for What You Need and Unpacking Childhood Dynamics

00:06:12 Courtney Brame: And this is a very vulnerable thing for me. I don't ask for what I need. A long time ago, I think it was uh 2020. And I asked my dad because I was journaling. I was just reflecting on why it is that when I get excited, I also get disappointed. And the more I asked why, the more I was describing and the language turned to me talking about my dad. And then I recognized that in my writing it turned into your language as if I'm talking to my dad. So I took it upon myself to um record myself reading that. And then I sent it to him. I didn't expect him to listen, but it felt good to me to have sent that, to have said this to him. And you know what he said back? He did listen to it. He said, "Son, I ain't realize you need anything like you've always been so independent." And that that narrative

00:07:05 Courtney Brame: stuck with me two years ago. So, uh, last week I asked, or maybe it was two weeks ago when I asked, but last week I received. Um, and I didn't realize that, you know, me asking for what I needed from the source of people who have the power to give me the re-triggering of the ultimate rejection or they can liberate me with just delivering and just giving me what it is that I want. But not only did they deliver y'all, they like… they… it was a validation beyond anything that I can say I've ever experienced. I hear from people on a daily basis how amazing I am, how attractive I am, and how thankful they are that I'm in this space. And to be honest like that doesn't do anything for me except to make me resist it because I've had such a resistance to receiving. And what you'll hear in my parents' voice messages is that I have always seemed to be really independent. And the way that I, you know, um the way that they interpret my independence or my avoidance of neediness is that I'm independent.

00:08:25 Courtney Brame: And it's so wild to me because again, it goes back to perspective. you know, they drew a six for me and interpreted my behavior and looked at that six that they drew. You know, the communication that occurred between us from not having shared perspectives allow for me to create a narrative that it's not okay for me to need anything because I'm thinking to myself, my parents are incapable of meeting my needs, so therefore I'm not going to ask because they're just going to tell me no. And as an adult, how that shows up, like I said in past episodes, um, we unconsciously look to resolve unfinished business that we have with our parents or primary caregivers in our relationships. So, my examples of how to do relationships, man, this is so wild to me, y'all. I do significantly better in long-distance relationships. My parents, as far as I've known, have never been together. When I was a baby, like, they were in a relationship still, but things ended and I saw my dad on weekends.

00:09:36 Courtney Brame: And I would get really excited about seeing my dad on weekends because that was when we did fun stuff. And this is the first time I'm saying this out loud to people. Um, I kind of talked about this after processing it with a partner, but that's about it. And one of my friends actually um and it's really man it's it's powerful to have done this exercise to see how my parents see me and while it's powerful that the exercise was done I think was more powerful is the fact that I broke through the insecurity that was beneath the insecurity that I had like um I've mentioned being very financially insecure here. And my mother was able to say to me, you know, I didn't want you to be like your granddad because he had never been good with money. And I told y'all, I interpreted like my mom telling me not to be like the men around me just because she didn't want me to be like the men around me.

00:10:41 Courtney Brame: Now granted, that absolutely uh conditioned me and gave me the superpower of being super emotionally aware, available, and intelligent. And you know, my mom even apologized to me. She was like, "Hey, I'm sorry for damaging you." And I was like, "Mom, you didn't damage me." I mean, I was just confused because uh you know, looking in adulthood, like women that I want don't necessarily want that emotionally available all the time like a person. Um, what I saw versus what was said to me are completely different things. What my mother went for was emotionally unavailable men who were just like my dad, just like my granddad, but then told me, you know, raised me not to be like them. So my lesson in that age was like, oh, it is more important for relationships that happen with people who sex is involved with than it is for uh there to be like the connection or the intimacy, the closeness and everything. And I think that through my relationships, I've looked for in partners the precise same thing that I give to uh the something positive for positive people community.

00:12:01 Courtney Brame: That space, that ability to reflect or the safe space to reflect and receive feedback and and potentially criticism. Um but that's what I've done. And my mom called me an amazing listener, which plays out in the whole like I host a podcast. I listen to people and I respond to what it is that they give me and share that I make people feel comfortable. My dad loves the way that I communicate with all types of people. And that was real, uh it was interesting to hear his tone in the tone of his voice like how he said all types of people because I know what he means. He means like LGBT community members. Uh he means people who you know may like dark histories or have been not quite the most ethical as well as of course like people with STI. So uh listening to these messages had done more for me than I thought it would cuz I told my therapist what I was going to do when I did it and he was like all right Courtney.

Breaking the Fog of Insecurity

00:13:09 Courtney Brame: Well what if you don't hear what you think you're going to hear or what you want to hear? And I took a real long pause and I thought to myself, I was like, damn, you know what? It doesn't matter because no one's validation, you know, matters or should matter, right? But to me, theirs did. Theirs did because for so long in my relationships, in my dating, I have covertly and very like regardless of me trying not to appear needy, I very much have been a needy person throughout the course of my relationships with women. I mean, I arguably like my relationships period, relationships with men because I look at and it's like I do the whole thing. If I get excited then I'll be disappointed. That has happened a lot with other people that like I'm hoping to get from them what my dad did. My dad would make the plan and then like a lot of times the plan wouldn't happen. So that's where that came from.

00:14:13 Courtney Brame: So, in my adulthood, I have not been the best about um like letting myself create a plan, come up with it, and then follow through. I've been doing that more lately. I got um I went to the Dave Chappelle show in Portland. I went to the Tyler the Creator show or a concert in Portland. Booked Kendrick Lamar, Jack Harlo. Um I was trying to get Kevin Hart tickets uh for whenever he's going to be here. I booked the Costco uh Costco, oh my goodness, cosplay uh Comic Con is going to be in Portland in September. I tried to go to the one in San Diego, but it's been sold out since 2019, y'all. 2019. Um, and then there's a festival coming up in Queens August 20th weekend where Flatbush Zombies are going to be Jana Aiko, Missy Elliot. These are all people who are going to be performing there that weekend. And I'm making it a point to be able to go to that.

00:15:09 Courtney Brame: I'm doing things. I'm giving myself the opportunity to be excited about things. And so my avoidance of rejection was highlighted again because of my herpes diagnosis. Actually, it took me up until this what 9 10 years later for me to really be able to dissolve that. I would say like I feel like it's dissolved through my parents willingness to or my willingness this was me I did this my willingness to ask my parents for what I need dissolved that fear of rejection because I was able to ask like my dad said that he thought I didn't need anything and that came from me being afraid to ask. This was a direct consequence of my fear of asking for what I needed. So when I did it, the interesting thing that happened within me was that something healed. Something started healing. And I think that that something that healed or started healing was I metaphorically was in this fog, this fog of my internal beliefs about myself.

00:16:29 Courtney Brame: So I would allow for this fog of beliefs that comes from how other people see me to, you know, cloud me. It was like I couldn't see myself. I couldn't see the next step that I was taking. I felt like asking my parents for help was a way of calling out to them through the fog. Like I'm there. I'm in their peripherals. My parents would love to be able to do something for me. Probably because I never asked them for anything. Probably because I am so independent. Probably because I have always appeared to not have needs. So the value of my ask is significantly greater than if I were to always ask for things. But in turn, you know, I would always try to manipulate situations and probably not just from the people around me, but also from my parents. And so it was important to me that asking like that was metaphorically a call to them through the fog for them to be like, "Yeah, son. What's up?

00:17:37 Courtney Brame: Like, where are you? Here, we're coming. We can find you. And their voices, their hearing me was enough to break up that fog and sort of like repel some of those beliefs and the voices around me that created that fog in the first place, which allowed for space to be created between myself and these external uh sources of my validation and my own beliefs and the narratives that I attach to what's been said to me to the point where I was able to see like my hands in front of me, my legs and my body. And I could see the next step out of the fog. And I could have stopped there and just kept going on my own. But no, I did a bigger ask. I asked my parents, you know, how do you see me? How do you experience me? What do you like about me? What's good about me? Rather than the world telling me, "Hey, Courtney, you are good because you run this nonprofit. You have this podcast." And my both of my parents

00:18:53 Courtney Brame: did it. My dad gave me a handful of things that he really does admire about me. My mother gave me like six, seven minutes of uh just talking and I want to share that here. And in the talking, you know, one of the things that she said was that I am worthy. You know, I didn't. I didn't know that I needed that from her, but it was something that I needed. I needed this. And it was very important to me after having gotten it to like really absorb that into my body, into my spirit because for so long I felt as if I had to prove I was worthy. I have to save people. I have to always be available uh when people reach out to me on social media and I have to always be willing and able to drop whatever it is that I'm doing. My mother also called me naive and that naivety like I know what she means.

00:20:01 Courtney Brame: Um and that I love very easily too. And I don't think that loving too easily is a bad thing. I think trusting too easily is a bad thing. Um, and in my case, it's just turned out bad in a couple of situations. But as far as a naivety thing, like that's just me having hope, like being hopeful that people are good, people will be good, that change can happen. You know, the naivety may come in where I'm being taken advantage of or I'm believing and trusting someone who has not quite earned that belief or that trust. at all. So, I'm uh that's something that's information. A lot of what my parents have given me is information because they say one thing and I'm like, "Oh, then that means that my interpretation of that is expressed through my behaviors in this way or this situation in particular." And I can call upon situations where what they said was valid and accurate. And I um I really wish that I would have gotten this sooner because I'd have been a different person.

00:21:18 Courtney Brame: You know, my mom has always liked misused words. Like she in the voice message called me a narcissist but then turned around and said loving. Like that doesn't even make sense. So I know my mom doesn't know what she is talking about with some of these words. She has called me arrogant. Um, and it's because like I'm, I'm right. I can't be arrogant for being right. It's not like I make my mother wrong in anything or I make anyone wrong in anything, you know. No, nobody's wrong. I guess unless it comes to, you know, numerical facts, but outside of that, sorry y'all, it's 6 something in the morning and I'm on vacation. I'm in California. It's my last day here. Um, but I wanted to get this recorded like I'm in a very something about water always gives me clarity and I also realized that every time I go to California and then I go back home wherever home is at that time I have some kind of a breakup.

Learning to Receive and Setting Boundaries

00:22:19 Courtney Brame: So we'll see if that happens. Uh the first time I went it was um yep it was my ex-girlfriend. Um, another time I went, it was a friend and then another time I went, "Wow, it was uh someone that I was someone I was seeing." So, yeah, I've had three breakups and then the one, two, three times that I've been to California. We'll see what happens when I get back this time. Um but yes, I very much encourage people if you have the opportunity to get the perspective of your the source of your triggers, the source of my if I get excited then I'll be disappointed trigger was my dad. The source of um you know women like I need a partner who can give me the same level of emotional connectivity and availability that I give to other people. Um and that everybody likes me for my emotional support cuz I'm a man who's emotionally available. Some people don't know what to do with that.

00:23:32 Courtney Brame: Some people aren't attracted to that. Some people recognize like, oh s***, that's a man right there and we move forward. And so, you know, not to say that things are going to change for me um in a sense of becoming less of that, but like I see my value. I see that this is something that I have so freely offered to people who aren't deserving of it. And in this space that is something positive for positive people, I have a safe space for expressing that and giving that to people. And I hope that um I'm able to continue to do so at a much higher quality capacity than I have in the past because I've let people in the real world drain me or people who you know don't have uh intentions of investing in me, investing in this organization to come and get you know what is one of my more valuable assets which is my emotional support, my ability to listen, my ability to see people. Um, and so, yeah, I think that I've consistently invested naively a lot of energy and time into people who aren't going to reciprocate that with my mission, my work, my life, what it is that this organization has going on, our community.

00:25:01 Courtney Brame: So, I'm very much on high alert from people who are talking because now I have learned how to receive. And because I can receive, I recognize that I can ask for what I need. And that fear that I've always had underlying the reason for not asking for things is because I didn't know how to receive. And that receiving the validation of my parents was one time where I had the opportunity to receive. I just received their words, their thoughts of me. I couldn't debate with them. I couldn't, oh no, no, that's not right. Oh, I'm just going to be overly humble. I couldn't shut that s*** down because I've shut it down. Uh in my yoga class, my yin yoga class where the instructor was talking about grief, I had this voice come into my head. And this voice was talking s***, y'all. The way that I hype y'all up, the way if you reach out to me and I'm telling you, yeah, you bad, you a bad b****.

00:26:10 Courtney Brame: Keep doing what you're doing. Like, put yourself out there. Anybody's lucky to have you. This is how I heard a voice within my head speak to me and this voice in my head speaking to me all this positivity like it it made a tear come up because I don't know how to receive that and what happened was instead of receiving it I was resistant to it because when it was like oh man you are handsome I I call myself back to this or you're attractive I call myself back to this rejection or these women that I was in pursuit of who like weren't interested. I shut down the whole thing like, "Oh yeah, you moved to Portland like you live here." It's like I still ain't got no money. It's like, man, you in this yoga class, you doing this, you got that going on, your relationships are healthy. And I just found a way of just shutting that s*** down. And I don't know where that was coming from.

00:27:09 Courtney Brame: So after again reflecting, journaling and making this ask to my parents, I think I was really able to identify the source of my negative self-talk and it was on my narratives of the interpretations of my parents. My parents having drawn what they drew on a line to give me what they wanted me to have. Like that's what the six and the nine is symbolic to. The 69 is perspective. Their drawing of the six has so many layers to it. The surface it's drawn on, the material it's drawn with, the shape of it, the the lighting, the size of it, the color of it. All of these things play a role. And that's a lot of communication for just having written a symbol on the ground for me to look down at and be like, "Oh, yeah, I see what you drew. It's this." and not having all of those other things taken into consideration about what the drawing is on the floor that is a communication of perspectives.

00:28:08 Courtney Brame: If we don't have that willingness to come over to where they are, look and see what they have and then bring them to our side. Cuz I was able to then, you know, talk to my mom like, "Oh man, mom, you drew a six. I was looking at a nine this whole time. Come here. Let me show you now. Now show me what you see." And the same thing with my dad and having gotten that like I am free to see myself how I want to see myself. That's what that offered to me. Their voices lifted the fog. Their voices allow for me to go from resisting the inner voice of positivity for myself to integrating that. Like I have now integrated and I don't talk to myself in third person anymore. Oh, Courtney, you got to do this. Courtney, you know this thing, this thing. No, it's me. Like, I know who I am.

00:29:02 Courtney Brame: I know what I'm capable of. I know that I can challenge the narratives that my parents have instilled in me or the beliefs that they've instilled in me that I've supported by giving a story to it. I've attached a narrative, a story to the things that stick with me from situations with my parents. And I feel like that healed, you know, like if I like why does a rejection hurt somebody so bad? Like I still think about that girl I had sex with and you know, even all these months later, you know, she didn't want herpes and that is perfectly fine. That is okay. But that rejection I tried so hard to avoid through being open about my life, about who I am, about the fact that I have herpes, you know, that's one of those things that reinforced to me that women want an emotionally unavailable person. And that's not the case, you know, because in some instances it's like, all right, well, I'm trying to prove to you how great I am because I'm doing all this good stuff and people are benefiting and you still rejected me.

00:30:22 Courtney Brame: Like that kind of thought process lingers. And the reality is that I'm worthy. Like I am attractive. I got stuff going on. and somebody who, you know, can't look past that thing that is um that is something that would keep them from wanting to connect with me. Like that alone is something that demonstrates that we don't align. And through the experience of that rejection like that, that's not even a rejection. That's just a boundary. You know, it's okay for people to have boundaries about not wanting to get an SCI no matter who I am or what I do if that's what their boundary is. First off, I need to respect it. Second off, great for them for respecting their boundaries and upholding that um until it's violated or it's like negotiated or it's not really a boundary until it's a boundary. Um but yeah, like I recognize like I'm over here tripping off of that when I just asked my parents, my parents, the sources of my triggers.

00:31:28 Courtney Brame: I gave them the power to re-trigger me and they didn't. They healed. that he gave me the the selfrust that I need in order to yeah the triggers are going to be there but in order for me to manage the triggers myself in order for me to put my own boundaries in place and a game plan for if someone triggers me if someone wastes my time or they cancel the podcast interview the day of a few minutes before after I've decided that this is how my day is going to look like and then when they do that the day just shifts into something that it wasn't supposed to when I put boundaries in place, like that's not going to happen near as much. And I'm going to feel good about myself because, you know, even those feel rejected when I invite guests onto the podcast and they don't show up or I got to hound them about being on the podcast, like no, I'm not I'm not doing that. I don't have to.

00:32:26 Courtney Brame: And this is partially where that arrogance comes in. But I don't want anybody here that doesn't want to be here. And you know, if you want to bail counsel, like you'll notice there's some people who are open about their herpes status that I haven't interviewed on the podcast that it makes sense to have on the podcast. But you know, once you flake, once you miss a call, like that tells me you don't give a s*** about us. That ain't a me thing. That's like you don't care about this space. Like you perhaps have whatever agenda you may have, and that is not on me to try and decipher. I want people who want to be here. If you want me to interview you, be here. You know, let's talk. We can talk. We can um we can be anonymous, whatever. But don't disrespect my time. Don't disrespect the sacred space of a community where people come here for healing.

The Fear of Rejection vs. Honoring Boundaries

00:33:21 Courtney Brame: if you're coming here for a talk. So yeah, that that's just I don't know how I ended up like going off onto that tangent, but um if yeah, if people don't want to be around me, then I would rather experience what that, you know, may have what old Courtney would have considered to be rejection because now it's not. It's just like people honoring and respecting their own boundaries. The reason why we haven't been taught to respect, set, and honor people's boundaries in the ages that we should have learned that. Like, I'm an adult now. I know what that is, and I know how to do it. I know how to do it. So, I've not experienced rejection since having asked my parents for what I needed. And I think that that might be a key with rejection because the reason that we feel rejected is because of expectations. And the reason that we have expectations is because we're not putting ourselves in the position to be rejected soon enough or we may not be doing so in the right circumstances.

00:34:33 Courtney Brame: So for me like I, I'm learning to just ask for what I need, ask for what I want and also be intentional about it like you I like you. I want to I want to sleep with you. I want this with you at the and I run the risk of hearing no. Like that's just the reality of it. But I also run the risk of hearing why. You know, like I've come on to or made pastors of women who, you know, I find out are in relationships where they're exclusive and there might be mutual interest, but the timing just ain't right, you know? And that's mostly what that is. Like it's about timing. The timing just isn't right for a lot of things. a lot of people cuz when I was disclosing to people at 25 years old, you know, a lot of people the timing wasn't right and so it was a nose. But when I was disclosing to people at 33 like age, wisdom, experiences, life, all that's happened and that has taught me it ain't it ain't no rejection.

00:35:42 Courtney Brame: There is none. And it's all about how you perceive it. You know, rejection. Honestly, what we think is that people are going to diss us, tell the whole internet and our social circles how gross we are, that we have an STD, and that nobody should have sex with us, we should only have sex with our kind. That's our worst fear. And whose voice is that? It's one of those voices that's surrounding you that at some point it mattered to you what this person whose voice is represented in your mind thought of you and you still haven't given them the chance to communicate to you what they think of you. So you might be living a lie just like having that voice occupy your head rent free and you living a lie based on what you think that person thinks of you when you can cut through all the BS go to that person if they're still alive if they're still accessible and just ask them like hey you know I remember you speaking to communicating to me in this way draw your six on the now and then see what they relay back to you from their perspective because you never know.

00:37:01 Courtney Brame: They might already have done the work to know that just because they draw a nine on the ground that doesn't mean you're going to see a nine. It's going to depend on where you are, how y'all walk, how y'all were raised, how y'all communicate, how you talk, how you have been, have you've learned to um what material have you learned to communicate, how have you learned to communicate, the the shape, the font, the texture, all these things contribute to just drawing a the a number on the ground for somebody to tell you, hey, I drew I see this number. These are all key factors in just that drawing of a shape. So with that being said, you know, look at it with language. Look at it with social media posts. We got that same 6ix9ine analogy, 69 analogy here, but applied on a much bigger scale, on a much higher quality. We got social media. We got friends around us. We got partners. We got exes.

00:38:08 Courtney Brame: We got teachers, co-workers, and employers. We get the people we tertiarily communicate with when we go to the gym, when we go to the coffee shop, we go to the restaurant. Know what you're communicating and putting it off to them. Because I recognize now, man, talking to my mom and hearing these voice messages from my mom and my dad. I recognize my neediness. I recognized my insecurities. I recognized the miscommunication of the misinterpretation that I had on how I thought my parents treated me or saw me or what they tried to teach me. So getting their truth allowed for me to stop thinking that I knew what they were thinking because it allowed for me to just be in what my truth is. And my truth is, man, I am confident. I might be a little bit arrogant. I'm finally on the other side of my financial insecurity. And it's a challenge because I still feel like at any moment all this can be taken away.

00:39:21 Courtney Brame: it's going to be gone. And so it's important to me now that through finding balance, going to concerts, doing things that I like, like caring more about how I physically look and my appearance and investing in better clothing, investing in my uh like my haircuts, right? Like I ain't cut my I have not gotten a haircut. I won't even get one Friday. I'm not going back to this dude. Um he was, he rushed me. He had three people sign up for the same time. I needed to be at the airport and he didn't even get me to taper. Dude just tapered my sideburns. I was like, "Yo, I want to support black businesses." But this right here was ridiculous. So, I'm not going to write a bad review. I'm just not going to go back. It's as simple as that. I find somewhere else to get my haircut who is going to, you know, take their time with it.

00:40:14 Courtney Brame: And cuz that wasn't even an experience. That was like a 10 minute quick cut even in front of other people. like, dude, you Yeah, I'm not going to be rushing. But anyways, yeah, I'm getting into it because I've spent so much I spent the last like nine n not even nine years. I spent like the last five since I've been positive. I was focusing on that. I was focusing on myself. And I am at a point now where I can more so focus on outside stuff. And what's fueling my insides is like going to the concerts and going to things that I like to do. And what's fueling my outsides, I mean, it's just going to be a matter of taking care of my body. I got a massage and that was amazing. I invested that $180 in a 90minute just massage to get my body worked on and that felt amazing. I didn't realize what the feeling was but I felt like I was just able to allow myself to receive.

00:41:18 Courtney Brame: That's what that was. I got to receive y'all. And this is the message that I've learned. This is the message that I got from that experience with my parents. I learn that I am worthy. I am worthy to receive it. Now when I go and I look for reciprocity in my relationships, then I am able to actually receive rather than try and dodge and duck people's willingness and want and desire to help me, to give to me. I got to watch that play out this weekend sexually, y'all. U so yeah. Yeah. um the ability to receive that is what we need to learn. We need to learn that we can that we are worthy that we are here that we are valued so that that is how we can see ourselves like a can't nobody take this away from me. I know my worth now and I know that, you know, my parents have been able to communicate with me, communicate to me.

00:42:26 Courtney Brame: Um, Courtney, here are places that you need to be able to recognize your value, your worthiness. You need to be able to receive the overall message that I got. And looking at myself, I am someone who people want to give to, who people want to see succeed, who people want to see thrive. But that don't mean s*** if I don't want to succeed. If I don't want to thrive, if I don't want to um allow for myself to make mistakes, allow for myself to lean into those strong points that I have because I've been so resistant to them. I've been resistant to being uh my mom, she said, the matriarch of the family. I'm wise just intuitively. I'm a provider. I'm a protector. I have a temper. Like she said these things to me. And it was like until hearing them from her, I didn't. I've always had this level of resistance to compliments that I get from people.

Liberation, Self-Worth, and Upcoming Events

00:43:41 Courtney Brame: And so like hearing it from my mom and just breathing through the discomfort of not wanting to receive it allows me to flex that muscle and break down that muscle so that it can go back stronger. so that I do more easily receive that I do more easily receive um whatever like hype people want to give me and that's work life as in pursuit of my purpose my passion something positive for positive people in my relationships and my relationship to myself cuz this is how I talk to myself now. I talk I talk my s*** and that got lifted and just the blessings have been raining in. It's a blessing for me to be able to be where I am right now in California for a three-day weekend and just like some sunshine, beach time, friend time, uh the building of new connections time for me to be able to go back to Portland, get back to work, prepare these presentations, create these curriculums, record these podcasts, as all while continuing to do the self work on myself and just being who I am with permission for myself to see myself as I see myself rather than how other people see me cuz I control that.

00:45:24 Courtney Brame: I control the room. I control what people's first uh first impressions and ideas are of me. I came into Portland, y'all. I have $5,000 4,300 starting uh with me having paid the rent and it got to a point where I was looking at my bank account I was like I don't know how much longer this going to be sustainable but sticking through it being consistent and trusting myself because the the inaccuracy between how my mom and my dad saw me versus how I thought they saw me it it created this distrust and I can honestly say that because of that I did not trust myself. So breaking through these layers of miscommunication by simply being willing to speak to my parents about how they see me, being willing to receive that from my parents, being willing to um free myself. Like I feel liberated. I'm definitely liberated. Uh not just like in the sense of being free from something, but free to do anything.

00:46:38 Courtney Brame: That's what liberation is. Like freedom is freedom from something. Liberation is freedom to do anything. And that's where I'm at. Like and it just took this challenging perspective for me to be here. So, I think that my quality of what the quality of what I put into what I create, what I co-create, my relationships, my podcast episodes, the business that I'm putting it out, the the business functions of something positive for positive people, the the the coaching, the advice that I give, the wisdom quote that I share. I think that these are all very very very like powerful epiphanies and yeah, this is this is it. This is it for me, man. This is what this is where I'm at. This is what I need. This is how I'm going to have a significantly higher impact on people. And now I'm also able to receive validation, the compliments, the even money, like even with the money, like I got funding uh for $10,000 for Something Positive for Positive People to pay myself to just record 12 podcast episodes.

00:48:01 Courtney Brame: And when the check came through, I had to pay myself. And it was so uncomfortable for me because I'm so used to having my identity as someone who doesn't get paid for this work. And where that comes in is someone who seems like they don't need anything and therefore people can't help me because I don't seem like I need anything and people want to help and don't know how. So like I worked for this like I worked to get to this point to where I can start to pay myself and pay myself well. And the resistance that was there is lifted now. So, um, I hope that this podcast episode was useful to you. Um, if you stick around, I'll play the messages from my mom and my dad. I want these to live on because I don't know, you know, how much time my parents have left. Not to say that anything's wrong with them. They're young, but still, you just never know.

00:49:01 Courtney Brame: In the world that we live in, anything can happen to anybody. So, if you hear this and you already have that person in mind, reach out to them. Ask them. Ask them to validate you. Ask them to tell you how they see you. Ask them to just speak positivity into you. And if they got to do it over a message or if y'all can do it in person, like, play around with it and let me know what you do. Let me know what you think. I want for you to have the same sense of liberation that I have for myself. Allow yourself to be able to receive cuz that's damn sure what I have I've been doing, what I've done. I can receive it now. I am worthy. I am confident. I am all the things that you are about to hear here. And um yeah, I'm I'mma go ahead and play those messages here so you can hear directly where this comes from.

00:49:53 Courtney Brame: Um if you haven't already, I have a survey that is um on my Instagram page and it'll also be linked here in the show notes. I want for people to attend the introduction to sex positivity for something positive for positive people in our community. The podcast episode does release next oh well immediately after this one. So, the episode immediately following this one will have the link to the survey uh that is letting me know that you're registering for the sex positive uh the intro to sex positivity workshop. And my selling point here is that there's going to be so much more that you get out of sex positive communities than you'd get out of a herpes support group or a herpes dating group community. Um because you'll learn the things like boundaries and how to create them, how to identify them, how to uh identify what you need, what you want, and how to be able to practice communicating that with people as well as a lot more like uh social justice, open-mindedness, and just yeah, you there there's a another liberating effect of an organization such as sex positive world.

00:51:09 Courtney Brame: So with uh Jamie Cowelli Kowedi, the uh executive director of the organization, we already recorded the podcast, so you'll kind of be sold on the idea of attending this event. It'll be July 21st, 6:30 Pacific time to 8:30. and we'll just talk about how sex positivity and um having an STI uh how these two things can go hand in hand and support a process of healing outside of just everybody having herpes and talking about having herpes. So, I want to introduce y'all to this and then hopefully uh you'll join and become members and be able to have the same sort of access to educational and support resources that I have. Here. Uh, here's here. I'll go ahead and just say bye now. Um, if you want to donate, please do. Venmo Cash App, Courtney Brame, my first and last name. No special characters, no spaces. PayPal is SPFPP and Patreon. You can join us at Something Positive for Positive People on the Patreon website.

00:52:20 Courtney Brame: Um, yeah, y'all. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting me through these last few episodes that are definitely more self-helpy than they are uh herpes based. But that's just what is calling to me to let out here. So I hope that you find value in it and I hope that you find value in yourself. Till next time, stay sex positive. Here's my mom doing what I asked her to do.

A Mother’s Validation (Audio Message)

00:52:45 Courtney's Mother: “So now I have some time to actually sit here and do my homework assignment. Um, I want to say that I'm very proud of you. Um, you were an awesome and or an awesome child/man. I have not and I can't sit here and say that I've had any problems out of you. Um, you were smart then and you're very smart now. Um, you're charming. Um, you're strong, you're arrogant, you're a little narcissist a little.

00:53:31 Courtney's Mother: Um, but you're a loving person. Um, you're caring. I think you're gullible with certain situations. Um, I think you love easy, easy. Um, you love your brothers and your sister. Um, you love your mom and your grandparents. And you try to be there for everybody. Like it's like you're the matriarch at 33 years old. Like people come to you and they kind of lean on you for not really validation but just you know your advice. I think you're smart for your uh age and it's smart as in wise smart not just in books. Um I couldn't have asked for a better son. My first heartbeat, the first the second man that I've loved, the second, the let's say guy that I've loved. Um, I tried to steer you away from being so much like your grandfather only because um there were not so many there were not many I mean there were a few things that I wasn't um I didn't really want you to pick up from him as far as like you're very good with money.

00:55:02 Courtney's Mother: My dad has never been good with money. Um my dad brags a lot. um his pride won't let him sometimes apologize, but um I feel like you you can protect. Um not saying that you could never be a protector. Um and once I feel like your finances are where where you feel they need to be, then you will definitely be able to be a a really good provider. your your finance conscience. Um you worry about your next check. You're health conscious. Um especially since your blood pressure has been kind of off the charts a little bit. But as far as you know us, well, we've grown up together. Um, so it's like you're my son slash my brother. Um, we don't argue. We've had some misunderstandings, but we we cleared them up, which I'm very proud and grateful for that. Um, sometimes I think you were a little naive about a few things.

00:56:24 Courtney's Mother: um clueless even with some situations, but um and I think that you want everybody to I don't want to say really like you, but I think you just want to be at peace at knowing that you uh or feel wanted or feel needed. And I think a lot of people depend on you for a lot of different reasons. Um I I can't even remember if you've ever really fallen out with any of your friends. I tried to make sure I monitor that um as much as I could. So to keep you from getting in situations that you wouldn't know how to handle and that's what my dad did for me. I wasn't allowed to go spend a night over different people homes. And I just felt like if I know what goes on in my home, I don't know what goes on in somebody else's. So I in that note, I I went into protection mode as far as doing everything necessary that I needed to do to protect my children.

00:57:32 Courtney's Mother: But um again, u you're handsome. I don't know if I said that. You have a different unique personality than me. Um you're easy to talk to. Um, and you're worthy, you know, and you're finding your way by and I really respect the fact that you're going to counseling. A lot of men don't do that and a lot of men need that. Um, and it's helping you and I've seen some changes in you. Not anything bad was wrong with you in the beginning, but it was you needed it and you knew that you needed it, which was really awesome. Um, I don't think you're a religious person, but I know that you're a spiritual person. I know that you know where your spiritual foundation comes from without me having to, you know, nag you about it or be on you about it. I'm not the type of parent that nags my children about anything. You know, if you ask me my opinion, I'll give it to you.

00:58:34 Courtney's Mother: I really don't say too much. I listen. I do a lot of listening because you can learn a lot from just listening and observing. Um I wish that sometimes certain situations that you would be more aware of your surroundings and just you know not letting people get too close because sometimes they can get too close to just try to hate. But you're learning that um you're very aware of that. I love how you have a good relationship with your siblings. Um, and that, you know, try not to discredit your dad growing up, you know, cuz, you know, you're going to find out how there are they are in anyway. So, I don't need to bash or say anything negative. You will see that for yourself just as as you you saw with other situations. But I love you very much. If um I need to do anything else, just let me know. I was off today. I'm actually ready to um make an appointment. I have a couple counselors uh therapists actually that I need to call to see if I can get an appointment for next week. So um if you need anything else, just call me. I love you very much and I'm very very very proud of you. I hate that you moved to Portland, but you know this is what you needed for you. Um, and I I really think you only did it because you know that I'm okay. I don't think you would have did it if you didn't really feel like I was okay. But talk to you later.”

Transcription ended after 01:00:35