SPFPP 235: Needs
There’s a difference between having needs and being needy. Asking for what you need is often also synonymous with begging, and no one wants to be a beggar, so in that, no one wants to ask others for what they need. This episode offers an opportunity to reframe how we view having needs, as well as folks’ reactions to us asking for what we need. I think neediness is synonymous with “begging” in the traditional sense of the word. In neediness, we are trying to get our needs met from others without directly asking for them to meet our needs. Having needs is just an observation.
How people choose to respond to our needs request is not a rejection or reflection of us, but a reflection of their boundaries. We may be uncomfortable with asking for what we need because we’re so comfortable meeting the needs of others. So let’s practice asking for what we need where it feels safe to do so, or we can practice with high stakes like going to someone who’s historically let you down and then directly making a request from them with no attachment to whether they comply or say no.
Here I share some moments where I expected to feel rejected after requesting my needs to be met by people, only to actually feel an alleviation of expectations. Let’s start being intentional about identifying our needs and then asking for them to be met before we can start covertly ask people to meet them through manipulation and neediness.
Mark your calendars for July 21 at 6:30pm Pacific USA Standard time for a virtual event introducing SPFPP community members to sex positivity/sex positive world! Updates, a podcast episode, and RSVP info will follow in upcoming social media posts and podcast episodes.
Episode 235 Transcript
Self-Help, Flaky Guests, and Respecting Time
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I am your host Courtney Brame. I am the founder, executive director, and podcast host of this listening platform that has developed into an ongoing communications platform for people to be able to discuss their sexual health as well. Health health. I put a f at the end. Health with a th so yall know I know how to talk haha. Um as well as just to be able to self-reflect and I think that this is really a powerful like self self-education selfhelp platform and I know self-help has and that's the one with the P at the end self-help has like a little bit of a negative connotation in some cases like oh all this self-help stuff but like it it works and it's been working for me and I'm seeing that for many people that I've engaged with or like who were in a really really bad place when we met them implementing the things that I've talked about or not. You know, I'll hear from people aggressively in the beginning about their challenges and then won't hear from them for a while.
00:01:36 Courtney Brame: And I looked up in a couple of instances recently. It's funny cuz like I'll not see people and then out of the blue I'll see like a post or something. I just happen to be scrolling down my newsfeed and I'll see someone in a wedding dress or someone um who's been proposed to or someone who's got like a baby on the way and I'm like who is this person? I look back at our messages and I'm like whoa this person from two years ago who you know was talking about um just how much of a struggle dating and relationships were. how much they hated having herpes and like here they are. I haven't heard from them in a while and I'll just reach out and say congratulations and they'll be like oh my god I'm I'm here's where I am now like thanks for being there and that makes me really happy. That makes me happy to see that uh whether they do or don't take my guidance like people are putting themselves in a position to get what it is that they want whether that be family, partnership, marriage.
00:02:34 Courtney Brame: Um, I don't necessarily know if I've heard people apply any of this stuff to their career, but um, it does make me feel good because I'm always seeking information that helps me to I don't I don't want to say be a better person, but just like to more so settle into what my own reality is, as well as being able to be perceptive to what's going on around me. I think that that's probably the most important thing about self-help that just doesn't get talked about along with many other things that just don't get talked about, but that's neither here nor there. Um, I'm here today. It's another solo episode. I had a podcast interview scheduled for this time. Like, I checked in with the person. We scheduled the appointment. We locked it into the calendar. I followed up before and made sure that I had their email to send them the calendar invite. They accepted the calendar invite and then this morning I reached out.
00:03:38 Courtney Brame: I was like, "Hey, you know, if you're ready earlier, let me know." Which I always do as a way of checking in because typically people won't tell me that they're not going to show up or that they're cancelling. I kind of have to find out on my own. So like I've just learned over the years, 5 years now, a little bit more than 5 years I've been doing this. five and a half almost, I just have to check in with people beforehand because and and on one end what I've learned from sales is you give people an opportunity to cancel by doing that but at the same time like I don't waste my time. So if I message you an hour before our podcast interview and you tell me you're not coming cool I can go and do other things with this time. But like in this case, I was like 30 minutes early to checking in. And unfortunately, the guests realized that they had to work today at this time.
00:04:37 Courtney Brame: And I don't know. I just think I'm really over the thing cuz I have a thing where if you reschedule with me, I just don't we just won't do it. or like if you um bail or flake or I don't hear from you or last minute is when you make the cancellation. I just don't bother. Like it's I'm not going to keep chasing you. Like I and I think that this has come as a result of allowing people to not be respectful of my time. And because I don't know. I can't say that I demonstrate a lack of respect for my time. I just know that a lot of people do believe that entrepreneurs, people who work for themselves, um, make their own schedules. But the thing that people don't understand is that I don't really make my own schedule. My schedule is everyone else's schedule. I am always on other people's time. So if we make time to do a thing and then it's cancelled and we have to reschedule that means that rescheduling looks like I have to move things with other people in their time if that makes sense.
Accountability, Disappointment, and Social Media Algorithms
00:05:54 Courtney Brame: So, it's like I don't necessarily have my own time except for the times that I choose not to work now, which I've set very um very strategic boundaries around that for myself just to take care of myself. And these are my acts of selfishness by choosing to not engage. And I even violated my own boundary by reaching out to this person outside of when I should be reaching out to people or on social media. And one I'm glad I did because I know but that messed up my whole morning. Like I normally wake up early. I'll do yoga, go to the gym, come back and then start my day. but like having to shift things around like I also have therapy. I also need to eat. I need to cook. I got to allow travel time. And yeah, it's just not worth it. I think that we're going to hear a lot fewer guests moving forward on the podcast, at least like everyday people guess.
00:06:55 Courtney Brame: Um because there just seems to be so little regard for the time and maybe people just don't really value what they're actually bringing to this space because they just don't know. But like for me, I feel like I have accountability for myself to continue to show up. You know, no one's going to be mad at me if I decide, all right, this has become overwhelming. I don't want to do this anymore. Um, but I recognize what people get out of it because I hear from people. I hear from people who um hear their stories and someone else's. They feel seen. They feel heard. They feel represented. They feel like they can carry on. And nobody coming into an interview knows the kind of impact that they're going to have on another person who might listen, who they'll never meet. they will never meet these people. But I don't want to guilt trip people into being here.
00:07:59 Courtney Brame: Like if you don't want to be a guest and then please don't reach out, please don't accept my invitation to be a guest. Like I would much rather people just say no than schedule, get it locked in, and then we move on and like or and then we just don't do it. Um, for me this has been triggering for the issue that I have with my father that I've talked about, which is we say we're going to do something, get excited, and then it just doesn't happen and then I'm disappointed. Right? So, I've been really working on that for myself, uh, and allowing myself to get excited. um and allow for other people to get me excited because I recognize that one of the ways that I've con combed that belief that if I get excited then I'll be disappointed is more so making it uh giving myself the opportunity to make myself excited to about a thing that I'm going to do or a place I'm going to be or food that I'm going to get and I follow through.
00:09:10 Courtney Brame: Like I hold myself accountable and even if it doesn't work out the way that it's supposed to or the way that I wanted it to, it works out how it's going to work out. Like yesterday is a perfect example. I know that I like Chinese food. I can't get Chinese food in Portland. It's terrible. So, I go for Thai food. So, I got excited about Thai food, especially from this one place. I looked online, they were open. I walked over there. They had a sign on the door that said clothes sold out, right? And I could have been disappointed, but no, there's plenty of Thai food places here. So, I go to another one and I order what I want. I got it and it was good. I got something new and different. And I got excited. I didn't let myself down. But I know that I have given other people the opportunity to excite me and disappoint me.
00:09:56 Courtney Brame: And it seems like I'm kind of calling that in a way by not doing something. So I don't know what that something is, but I do recognize that there's just like a complete disregard for my time and I have to respect my own time. Like this this person has put time into, you know, this process. Like I'm going to try and reschedule with them especially because this interview is part of the grant series uh or the the funded um portion the funded interviews that I'm uh conducting to collect that information and see what kind of interview intervention method we can come up with. of 30 minutes before our interview, we're not going to bother rescheduling. Like, you'll notice that there's people who uh you would think would be on this podcast that I would have interviewed who are not on this podcast. And it's for that reason. Like, I got to take care of myself. And I can't be on here telling people, you know, do what you need to do for you.
Upcoming Events and The Root of Hyper-Independence
00:11:13 Courtney Brame: And I'm not doing what I need to do for me. Like, I set the example. I'm the facilitator of this. And so, yeah, that's where we are. Um, since this is a very spontaneous podcast episode and like I didn't necessarily have a topic fully processed in mind coming into this, but there is something that I've wanted to talk about and like it it's really hard for me in social media right now because I if I post myself I post a real with my shirt off, a picture of myself with a dog or me tying somebody up with rope, then I get like a,000 story views and on regular posts like I get a lot of visibility. If I talk about sexual health, if I talk about any takeaway or major thing that happened on this podcast to share and um as a way of hey people like this was really powerful like I want for you to get something out of this. It doesn't get visibility.
00:12:19 Courtney Brame: Like I had a post that got like 200 uh views. Like meaning that doesn't mean like um people just aren't looking for it. What it means is like people aren't seeing it. I don't know what it is, but like if I post a picture of myself with a dog, like 3,000 people will see it. I have the analytics for the business page. And it's just so wild to me. Like me, I did this experiment yesterday. I made two posts. I made one with a link to my podcast and I basically wrote a two sentence summary of what it was about and then I made a post immediately after that didn't have a link in the podcast. And the one that didn't have a link to the podcast got comments, likes, and visibility. The one that had the link just had a like from my friend. So, like I, it's not productive for me to put um like a lot into social media.
00:13:18 Courtney Brame: And I think what's happening is that they aren't uh promoting things that pull people away from the platform. So, you're going to hear a lot more from me on the podcast more so than social media platforms. So, I hope that you'll continue to just come here, check in and see what's going on. Like, I'll continue to share when people write uh write in because those are helpful for people to see. And then I have the podcast like where we'll share the in-depth experiences and stories and then whatever else is going on. But, um, I also want to give y'all a heads up. So, July 21st at 6:30 p.m. Pacific time, there will be an introduction to sex positivity workshop. I'm not going to go into too many details about this because we've already recorded the podcast and I talk about why I think it's important for y'all to come. Um, so that will be released um over the next 10 days from when this is posted.
00:14:25 Courtney Brame: Uh, and it's going to have like it's going to have Jaime's name in it. Jamie is the executive director of Sex Positive World and she also has herpes. And we talk about her journey into sex positivity. And we're going to have a virtual event that is exclusively for the audience and community of Something Positive for Positive People as a way of introducing y'all and welcoming y'all into the space of sex positivity to potentially be members of sex positive world. And like I said, that podcast episode will be up, but please mark your calendars. It'll be a 2-hour event. I'll probably get there a little bit early, stay a little bit late just to uh mingle and touch base with the people who want to engage. But um yeah, it'll be a virtual event at 6:30 p.m. Pacific time on July 21st. All right, that was a really long like catchup update for me. So, uh let's talk about needs. Um, I mentioned my dad's issue of getting excited and then expecting to be disappointed, right?
00:15:31 Courtney Brame: So, um, I wrote a letter. Well, I had a journal entry. I was just reflecting on a year or two ago. I was just reflecting on this. I'm writing and as I write, I'm starting to write about my dad. And then the language shifted at some point to where I was writing to my dad. So when I finished, I had like three, six pages of like, hey, here's how you traumatize me and put this trigger in place. And I didn't know what to do with it. So I just felt like I needed to tell him. So I recorded it, sent it to him, he listened to it, and his response to me was like we had a longer conversation, but what stuck with me was that he said, "Son, I didn't know you needed anything." And that really got me thinking. Um, and I didn't really know what to do with that information. I recognized that I've developed this sense of hyperindependence, though.
Beggars, Needs, and the Fear of Asking
00:16:23 Courtney Brame: And all this time, like even from when he said that a year or two ago, uh, I can't remember which summer it was. It was co uh COVID high, like when things were closed down and all of that. Uh, and it hit me like this past week. Last week, it hit me that this statement really sums up a lot of my challenges because I look at what needs are and I saw I live in Portland, Oregon, and there's a lot of people who um are members of the houseless population. Um, you may know them as homeless people. And what I notice is like when I see people who are holding up their signs like I think and we call them beggars. And beggars are essentially people who under whatever circumstances they're in they need something and they are asking for what they need. Homeless- anything helps. Um, retired vet, uh, just homeless, houseless, I have a family, uh, anything helps. A few dollars, cigarettes, food, water, whatever it is, they are asking for what it is that they need.
00:17:45 Courtney Brame: I know in my experience that these people have been called by other people around me beggars and that's how I've viewed them. I've viewed these people as beggars and beggars do a thing that is not appealing and unattractive which is begging. Right? And when you look at what begging is essentially asking for what your needs are. There may be a more uh there may be a better definition, but that's kind of how I'm seeing it. And so beggars are people who are not afraid or prideful uh or too prideful to ask for what it is that they need. Like I, I watched this man uh yesterday. I don't know what his situation was, but he was carrying blankets and he walked up to the bar. I don't know what he said, but I remember seeing him a few times in this area and one of the days like um I was with a group of people and he asked he was like, "You got anything to spare for the homeless and this lady offered her food. We just left the restaurant.
00:18:51 Courtney Brame: She ate maybe half her food and then she put it in the box." And then he was like, "Oh, no thanks. Got to look out for my health." Cool. And I thought that was strange. I was like, "Huh, all right. You're taking care of yourself, but like you I don't see you you're not wearing a mask and masks are everywhere, you know? Not to make any judgments, but these are just observations that I made. And I've seen people get mad when I've offered them food or given them food cuz that's my thing now. Like I've set a boundary around that. I will go out of my way to buy you food if you're willing to go out of your way and come with me to the place. Pick out the food. I'm going to let you order it. I'll pay for it. and then you got to wait on it and eat. If you really want this food, then if the food is really what you want, then you won't have a problem with not getting money from me.
00:19:42 Courtney Brame: So that's kind of just been what my ongoing boundary is around that. But I find it so awkward that I butt heads in the realm of neediness. I've tried so hard to look like I don't have needs, that I look like I don't have needs. And maybe this is also why people feel like they can disrespect my time and blow me off for podcast interviews or not not show up and at the last minute, you know, be like, "Oh, hey, I had something else that I had to do on this day at this time, even though we locked in this day and this time a long time ago, and I should have known about this thing, right?" Um, so me appearing like I don't have any needs and looking at people who do have needs and in fact are unafraid of asking for them directly challenges my identity as someone who is independent. So I never want to be in a position where I have to ask for what I need. Like do you see how that can be perceived?
00:20:53 Courtney Brame: Do you see what the conflict is? There's definitely an inner conflict between having needs and that being seen as a negative versus meeting your own needs and that actually causing negative effects. Like because I appear that I don't have needs, my needs aren't met. And because these people have needs and they're being expressive about their needs, people have these misconceptions about what their needs really are, their intentions for being out there, how they got out there, and why they're out there. Right? These people who are asking for what they need are often not even seen. I see people walk past homeless people, don't make eye contact, don't acknowledge them, don't say anything, you know, like even just being like, "Oh, no, not today." At least you see these people, right? And in my case, I try not to be seen um by appearing to have all my needs. So it takes a lot. I try not to be seen by appearing to have all my needs met.
00:21:57 Courtney Brame: So therefore, like I'm still needy. I still have needs. I'm begging subconsciously in a way. Whereas these people who openly are expressing that they have needs are doing so in a conscious way. like they're upfront about it. Here, I need money, right? Give me something, please. I need it. And I'm too afraid to ask for what I need because what? I'm a little bit afraid of disappointment. These people get disappointed all the time. The beggars, the people who have the negative connotation with their expression of having needs. Whereas me, someone who has no expression of having needs, um, who is afraid of experiencing a no, like these people here know all the time, right? Like what, why is it that a beggar can ask for their needs to be met? whether they hear yes or no, the fact that they're begging, the fact that they're asking for what they need is often seen as a negative thing.
00:23:12 Courtney Brame: And like the connotation there of someone who is not a beggar displaying the traits of a beggar like asking for what you need could also be seen in a negative light. And as I get older, I find myself surrounded by more people who are capable of not only meeting their own needs, but also asking for the needs to be met that they can't meet themselves. The more I'm spending time with and sharing space with these people and, you know, sort of um passing off opportunities like here, hey, I need this. Can you help me with this? Hey, uh, what do you need? Here's what I need. This kind of dialogue has made me so much more comfortable with the idea of having needs and then asking for them to be met. I mentioned in a previous episode that um, I did. I had like a moment of grief, a moment of clarity where uh, I asked my mom, I asked my dad for what I needed and they gave it to me.
Validations, Boundaries, and Reframing Rejection
00:24:21 Courtney Brame: Now, how it looks, is it exactly what I'm hoping that it is, I don't know yet. I haven't listened. But I asked my mom, I asked my dad to send me a voice message just telling me how they see me. What do they think of me? And I realized that in that ask of what I needed, I asked Sephora, I needed validation. And the whole point of that was for me to be able to begin healing through receiving validation from places that I just have it as because again I don't want to seem needy or like I have needs. So I was able to overcome that for myself and just ask them. I asked them for what I needed and they both delivered. They both gave me what I needed. I was able to ask two people who have placed the most trauma onto me, who have installed the triggers within me. I asked him what I needed. And I wasn't rejected.
00:25:25 Courtney Brame: I wasn't judged. I wasn't ashamed. I was able to, as an adult, as a 33-year-old adult, go to my parents and say, "Hey, can you please give me validation?" And I'm not asking them to tell me, you know, uh, tell me I'm this, tell me I'm that. I want you. I want to know how you see me so that I have essentially like permission to see myself. And that may not be something that everyone is able to do just given some people were adopted, some people may not have had parents, some people's parents may have may not be here anymore, or there just may be an inability to communicate or an unwillingness to connect with each other, whatever the situation may be. But if you have a primary caregiver or a person who's installed a trigger in you that you have um enough of a relationship with to be able to reach out, I strongly encourage you to do so. Because what happened for me in this was I recognized not only what my needs were, but like the needs that the neediness, let me let me say that.
00:26:33 Courtney Brame: the neediness that was associated with my inability to ask for what I need. The neediness that was within me that prevented me or I don't know. I feel like it's kind of a cycle. It's yeah, it's an endless cycle of my neediness preventing me from asking for what I need and then my perception of the way people perceive me as not needing anything actually making me more needy. Here's why. I appear on the surface to have all my needs met. Like I'm physically attractive. I'm confident. I've run this nonprofit organization. I host this podcast. I'm open about my herpes status. I got a job. Um, so I don't have any children. And all of these things, you know, make people on the outside looking in probably see me as, oh, damn, Courtney's got every Courtney's got it all together. Courtney's got all his needs met. But in reality, like meeting new people, like I still have other needs.
00:27:44 Courtney Brame: I'll have needs for companionship. I have needs for being seen. I have needs for sex. Um, I have needs for like just connection essentially in various ways, you know, and I recognize over the years that I've not asked for those things to be met because I didn't feel like the opportunity was there for me. Or maybe I felt a sense of entitlement to where, oh, I don't have to ask for what I need because I don't have needs. So that just kept me from acknowledging and asking for what it was that I needed. And that may not make sense to some people. It might make a lot of sense to others, but um what I've been doing lately is just asking for what I need. I asked my parents. So, like after asking my parents why I need it, I feel like I can ask anybody anything. And I've been doing that through Something Positive for Positive People. I've asked for funding.
00:28:46 Courtney Brame: I've asked for people to be guests on my podcast. And if you've, if you've listened to this for a while, then you've heard me talk about my avoidance of rejection, like this fearful avoidant personality of mine. And I would avoid rejection at all costs. But now, like, I'm finding myself in a position where I'm not even viewing rejection as rejection. Um, I had someone come over and stay for the weekend and we'd been communicating for a while. It was our first time meeting and um, we had talked about being attracted to each other and possibly hooking up, but I also know that like she has um, recently started seeing someone and we planned this trip for her to come out here and uh, the guy was newer. So like um I didn't necessarily have any expectations set, but when I recognized that in my head I was kind of like having the idea or getting excited about the possibility of having a relationship or hooking up, then it was like, okay, let's find out if that's the case.
00:29:50 Courtney Brame: Because what would have happened is if I didn't address that and acknowledge that in reality with her, then I would have set myself up to become super excited about something that might not have been on the table and that she would not have known about that that I expected or had on the table. So, I just asked her, I was like, "Hey, you know, I know that you're um you you know, I want you and I also really value our connection, our friendship, like our relationship as it is." and I respect your boundaries, respect your relationship. So like I can give you my room to yourself and I'll sleep on the couch. Um if you know just to be respectful. So it was just a matter of gauging respect and also letting her know like I want you. This is what I want and I am saying here is where I'm understanding your relationship is like me being respectful. Here's what it looks like to me. What are your thoughts?
00:30:49 Courtney Brame: And that offered, I mean, she just let me know, well, all right. Yeah, they are in a relationship. They're monogamous, and this is what she preferred. So, bam, the intentionality of going in and communicating exactly what um what I was wanting and then being like, "All right, but I understand, you know, looking at this." So I put it on the table and through that I didn't feel like I was rejected which is interesting because had I made assumptions like let's say you know she come over and she's in the bed and I I get in the bed with her just make assumptions and just like go with the flow making moves without verbally communicating or even text communication ahead of time then that could have gone a number of different ways and that could also have made me feel disappointed you know to find out in that moment after these expectations had been um happening and curating in my mind. So, that is a prime example of being able to like to do that. And there have been a couple of other instances um like I mentioned uh like the sex club, going to sex club with friends.
00:32:01 Courtney Brame: And so I was like um I asked a friend, I was like, "Yo, so if we find ourselves in the sex club and like we're playing that Jenga game where you pull a block out and it's like suck the nipple of the person next to you." Like how do you want to handle that? She's like, "Nope, not doing it." I was like, "All right, that is something that is very understood." And that didn't feel like a rejection, right? That felt like boundaries. Boundaries aren't rejection. You know, asking for what you need and like someone not being able, capable, willing, or in a position to give you the thing that you are asking for is not inherently a rejection. That just might be a boundary, you know, and for us to feel rejected in a way is like diminishing the value of how powerful it is for us to just ask for what we need. Um, another situation, let me see. Um, I asked Oh, I asked someone else.
00:33:07 Courtney Brame: um a lady friend who we've hung out a few times and I couldn't tell if she was into me or not. It was just really hard and I'm also really bad at taking hits. Um but we've hung out a few times and then we've uh we went out and just like we're dancing and we got some drinks and um we like towards the end of the night um I was just like not sure. So rather than me creating this narrative in my head, it was just like, "All right, I went with it." And just like at the end of the night, somehow something that she texted me afterwards was like, "Um, it made me think of more friends." So I just asked, "All right." Like what did I ask? I don't want to go through my phone cuz it's going to make weird noises on the podcast recording. But essentially, she let me know that she was seeing somebody and that their relationship was closed. Um, like they're exclusive.
00:34:07 Courtney Brame: Let me say that they're exclusive. Um, and that she just wouldn't feel comfortable with moving forward with anything sexual at this moment. That didn't feel like a rejection either, even though I expected it to feel like a rejection, right? Uh, it was a boundary. Like that's the morals, values, and the boundaries of their relationship. And she just communicated that to me because I had a need. I asked for that need to be met with her. And her, I'm sorry, I can't meet that need for you right now was just like an explanation of her boundary. So, the more that I do this, the more that I like and and I'm using these examples specifically. There have been plenty of times where I've asked for what I needed and gotten it. And so y'all ain't got to look like, damn, Courtney just over there getting rejected left and right. No, that's not the case. Um, it's good practice because I get to see other people set and uphold their boundaries and I'm able to learn from them how I want to set, implement, and uphold my own boundaries as well.
00:35:20 Courtney Brame: Um there's another situation. Someone I was seeing um pretty regularly actually like two three times a week. Uh her and her partner, they closed their relationship and we are still friends. Like we just actually hung out yesterday and we went to the hot tub, we caught up, we were talking, went and got food and then we watched um a show that we watched and then she just went home. So like we had this platonic connection after having previously had a super cool sexual connection like that it was hot. But um the restructuring of boundaries around a relationship like that where you are sexual with somebody you have a need of I had a need of wanting um again just connection. So if connection doesn't look like sex, if it doesn't look like um intimacy in a particular way, like that can still be something that's negotiated. And just because she and I, you know, can't have sex, that's not a rejection to me. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to have sex with me.
00:36:27 Courtney Brame: It just means she has a boundary of this in her relationship. That means that she is unable to meet my needs right now. So these are healthy expressions of having and asking for what you need and then maybe not being able to get the need or needs met from the person that you're inquiring about them from. Right? So think about this from the other side. Think about how often someone may have come to you with what their needs are directly and how you responded. Do you respect a person who just comes out and asks you for what they need or do you have any sort of internalized needo-phobia, needy phobia or um beggar phobia? I don't know. I don't know what to call it. But like is it a turnoff to you? Is it unattractive when someone just knows what they want? They know what they need and they ask you for it. Like, how have you said no to people?
Integrating "H on My Chest" and Honoring Your Value
00:37:37 Courtney Brame: Have you said no from a place of boundaries? Have you said no from a place of confusion? Have you said yes from a lack of boundaries or yes from a lack of uh clarity? Have you done things that you don't want to do because you've been unclear on who you are, what your needs are, who your relationship is with the other person who's asking for what they need? Are you coming from a place of jealousy or envy that that person can so uh what's the word? Affirmatively with conviction. There we go. That a person can ask for what they need with conviction and they know what it is that they need and they know that you're somebody who's capable of giving it to them. You know, are you more likely to say yes or are you more likely to ask more questions or are you likely to say no? Because we've been on the other side. And then it's just a matter of asking yourself, okay, do you have needs that you're just afraid of asking to be met?
00:38:38 Courtney Brame: How does that look? What's that look like for you? Cuz for me, I know that it's manifested in my relationships. Like I get really disappointed when I'm treated like an afterthought when people invite me to things. Like don't invite me to something last minute. Don't invite me to an organized event last minute. If it's like, "Hey, um, I'm getting some friends together tonight to go out. Like, I wanted to check out this place. Thought of you. Do you want to come? Are you available? I understand if you're busy." Something like that. Don't tell me, "Hey, I had this organized event that has catering and a scheduled itinerary. I had this for the last several weeks, but uh if you want to come, you can like and then be disappointed that I can't come because you told me about it last minute. Like that just tells me you don't think I'm doing s***.
00:39:28 Courtney Brame: Like what I'm doing is not important to you. I ain't got s*** to do and I'm always available to just come do what you want me to do. That is not how this is working. Like I said earlier, I am often on other people's time for work. That is my career. This is my passion, arguably my purpose. And I'm not putting that s*** on the back burner for people who don't respect my time. Like, it's as simple as that. Like, this is my priority. This and then being able to take care of myself. And as I'm again learning to ask for what I need, I am allowing myself to lean into these areas that I've shut off from since childhood because my mom told me not to be these ways. And one of those things I've recognized has been that like um my dad, me and my dad are very similar in the sense of being able to uh my or I'm now I'm very much like my dad when it comes to work but not in relationships.
00:40:39 Courtney Brame: And here's an example like my mom I asked her to give me like the traits of my dad that she liked or was attracted to. And one of the things that she said was that he's very um he's very he's very arrogant. Arrogant was her word, but I'm sure she meant confident. And also that he um what was ah there was another word that she used. I can't remember what it was. Damn. But um selfish. Selfish is the word. Like he would go fishing. He'd go hunting. He'd go shoot guns. He was very good at doing what he needed to do. And I think I do that when it comes to Something Positive, but I don't when it comes to my personal relationships. So, it's like I've adopted these traits and given myself permission to enact them in my passion, my career, my purpose where I feel like I can most freely be myself without fear of judgment from people around me or my family or the disapproval of my mom for being like my dad.
00:41:44 Courtney Brame: And I'm learning to integrate that aspect of myself that is H on my chest. It is uh Something Positive for Positive People focus into my day-to-day life because like the that me is super f****** attractive. Like I haven't sat and did like the T- chart of not uh Courtney Brame Life versus H on my chest Courtney. I have not done that. Don't plan to at all. Um, but I see it like I see how um attractive it is that I am in my masculine. I'm very intentional. I'm very assertive. I'm deliberate when it comes to implementing the things of Something Positive for Positive People because I am so certain and sure of myself. Whereas in dating and relationships like I know that there's this passivity to me and this unintentionality and this uh yeah the passiveness there is unattractive for me as someone who dates who I date. Like I date women and to women I'm finding that Something Positive for Positive People Courtney is super attractive.
00:42:58 Courtney Brame: But then when it comes to off of Something Positive for Positive People, like when I got to switch that switch off, like um that's not who I've been. And I recognize that that's because of the mom thing, like my mom thing of being her emotional support uh while everybody else was like she sought the support of everybody else. So, taking it back to that unfinished business with our parents, like I've somehow been looking to resolve the unfinished business that I've had with my mom through being her emotional support source um one-sidedly while she was able to, you know, pursue and date emotionally unavailable men. And I found myself like I've been in that position until I started to ask for what I need. So in asking my mom for that, okay, essentially. And she doesn't have to say, Courtney, you can go be like your dad. I just need to know that she sees me more so than how she sees me. And that validation. And then with my dad, I just need to know he sees me rather than how he sees me.
Receiving Positivity and Final Thoughts on Neediness
00:44:09 Courtney Brame: And that like I'm I'm f****** here, I guess. I don't know. cuz um I was talking about that with my therapist and he was like, "Well, Courtney, what if you hear what if you don't hear what you think you want to hear?" And I was like, "You know what? I'm good with that." Like I asked I was so excited that I just asked for what I needed from two people who I've never asked for what I needed from. And it felt different for me cuz like with that I uplifted I lifted that somewhat of a block on an aspect of myself that um in that yen yoga class that I spoke about that I heard I was hyping myself up. It was like Courtney man you are attractive. You are an eligible bachelor. You're making money now. You done moved to Portland. You got this nonprofit. You got people telling you that you saved their lives. Like you getting healthy relationships, you are having the kind of sex that you want, you are uh enjoying life in the way that you want to be, you are good at your video game, you do watch anime, you do take care of yourself.
00:45:11 Courtney Brame: Like, and as I was hearing this voice, I recognized the resistance that I had to it. And so my intention in asking my parents for what I need is to lift that barrier of resistance. I no longer have that anymore that it was shutting off that voice for me. So I'm able to connect with and hear and speak to myself in a different way. And now I'm able to communicate that way with less resistance. And that's how I'm able to now ask for what I need and be comfortable with the discomfort of hearing no of experiencing rejection. Like humans have needs. Like ain't nobody better than anybody. I'm no better than the person who is begging at the intersection for money, for food, or shelter. We ain't no different. The only difference is that they've gone through maybe the roughest of rough parts of having to get to a point of asking for what they need versus me having the luxury of the privilege of u just recognizing that my inability to ask for needs comes from trauma.
00:46:31 Courtney Brame: So I had the luxury and the benefits and privilege of accessing therapy and going through it, you know, more so in an intellectual or emotional way rather than the physical hardship way. So that said, it's okay to have needs. And um what's not okay is, you know, being overly needy, like asking for what you want without asking for what you want or manipulating people into giving you what you want or um like making them feel bad if they don't. I'm not doing that. is completely different from what they actually were. Cuz I think about it like this. It's been practice in my relationships to like draw from those lessons and experiences to this point of being able to like to compare. Okay, here are times where I didn't ask for what I needed. And in trying to manipulate people into giving me what I needed or play the game, a game of sorts to get what I needed, it's not worked out as best as it could.
00:48:16 Courtney Brame: Now here I am being direct and intentional and deliberate with my communication. Like, hey, you know, this is like I'm just talking like I'm just saying s*** and I'm saying what I feel and people are more so connecting with that and they're able to say what they genuinely feel in the moment. So, who knows? You know, maybe my former partner will open the relationship back up. Maybe the friend that I had over the weekend will, you know, we'll see each other again when the timing is right. Maybe um the other friend who um has decided to be exclusive with her guy. Like, maybe something will happen there. You know, we never know. But like I feel so good having asked for what I needed to the point where the quality of the impact of me asking significantly outweighs the impact of hearing no. Oh, this is the power of knowing what your needs are, being able to ask for what you need, and being willing to hear whatever the response is that the other person has.
00:49:29 Courtney Brame: And I've been able to go through a healing process that I've not experienced before just by asking two of the most influential people in my life for precisely what I needed, which is that I needed their validation so that I could stop being needy and seeking validation from other people. Like I, I want you to see me in this way. I want you to see me like this. Here's how I want you to see me. No, f*** that. Like my parents and I, I can't wait because the next episode I could do is going to be about perspective and how what I'm when I listen to their voice messages telling me what they think of me and you know what they are and all of that. I'm going to listen to those and then I'm going to speak about what they shared and then my interpretation of what they shared before and then after because I think there's a there's a little bit to there's a lot to say about perspective and how our parents raised us versus how they think we how we think they raised us versus how they think they raised us versus how they actually raised us.
00:50:36 Courtney Brame: So we got like four perceptions there. What actually happened from their end, what actually happened from your end, what they think happened, and then what you think happened. There might even be more than that, but we ain't gonna get into too much of that now. So, um, I hope that you come back. Uh, that episode is going to be about perspective, and I'll get that uploaded after I listen to the messages from my parents. But, I'm about to head into therapy now. And, uh, yeah, I hope that you got some value out of this. I really do. And um please practice setting, upholding, and honoring the boundaries of yourself as well as other people because if you don't honor your boundaries, nobody else will. And you'll start to see a pattern, too, where you won't um where when you violate your own boundary, you find yourself much more significantly hurt than if anybody else would have violated your boundary. Right?
00:51:33 Courtney Brame: you start to be disappointed in yourself and hold yourself accountable. So, there's a lot to be said for that as well. Um, and yeah, I'm really pumped about this exercise that I gave to my parents to do because it's going to help me with being able to give myself permission to validate myself. Like, I get messages all the time from people about how attractive I am, about how helpful I am, about how great it is that I'm doing what I'm doing. And I recognize that the quantity of those messages carry almost no significant value or weight when it comes to the validation that I receive from just being able to ask for what I need from my parents. So, uh it'll be interesting to see how that impacts me and being able to speak to that experience um on the next episode of Something Positive for Positive People. So, be on the lookout. And again, if you haven't already, please mark your calendar for July 21st, 6:30 p.m.
00:52:36 Courtney Brame: Pacific time as we'll be doing that virtual introduction to sex positivity, sex positive world. Um, yeah, and I'll have an episode about that. Uh, you'll know when it's out cuz I'm promoting the crap out of it. All right. Um, and as I mentioned earlier, like people who implement this stuff, people who um, practice what they learn from Something Positive for Positive People, they don't need this much longer. They come and get what they need and then they leave and they find themselves in the relationships they want to be in and then the life that they want to have. And I wish that for you. So, um, yeah, from this episode like identify what your needs are. Start practicing asking for your needs to be met in a way that you don't misinterpret someone's no as a rejection. And like let's reframe how we view need being having needs versus being needy. Being needy is having needs and then trying to manipulate your way into getting them. Like asking for what you need without asking. Whereas having needs is identifying what it is that your needs are and then being willing to just directly ask for them. Not in a covert way. All right, that concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. If you like this episode, consider supporting the organization by just making a donation. I'm on Venmo and Cash App at Courtney Brame.
Transcription ended after 00:54:29
