SPFPP 380: Transmuting Stigma Into Healing - Lessons from Depression

Hello, World!

I’m Letting Go in this one ya’ll.

The sun’s purpose is to transmute hydrogen into helium. Well that may not necessarily be its purpose, but that’s what it does. As a star, it’s identity is molded by heat, pressure, and friction. In turn, you and I get light, heat, a steady planet held in place by the gravity produced by it oh and by the way, life as a whole.

I think about if the sun were to watch me, and if I say “it’s really cold today” and the sun was like, “Oh here Courtney lemme help you with that” and then adjust itself to warm me up even just a few degrees, how catastrophic of an event that would be for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that has oriented itself to the sun and its rhythm of holding this orbit in place.

Now apply that to people. I’ll use myself as an example. When I’m transmuting herpes stigma into healing, that’s when I’m most positive. I’m present. I have a gravity, an energy that is attractive to others who experience the metaphorical light and heat, as well as consistency and people just want to orient themselves appropriately. 

As I run SPFPP between podcasts, support calls, conferences, etc. what happens is that I am most myself. I’m metaphorically a star with an orbit allowing the external world outside me to orient itself to my rhythm, consistency, and presence to do what it will with that. People may take something I say and apply it to their lives and get something or a relationship and it turn into something beautiful whether it be family, community, or just healthy and loving companionship.

When I step away from that say like I did when I was in my previous relationship, which I speak a lot about here, I get out of rhythm and disrupt the flow of those oriented to my presence. I speak about what depression feels like here. It is an emotional friction, heat, and pressure that happens emotionally that you just have to feel. You don’t get the lessons from depression until you heal. You don’t heal until you feel. AND BOY HAVE I BEEN FEELING!

I share vulnerably what my fears are and have been. Since this relationship with my ex has ended I’ve held on to these fears and it made me small. It’s like the sun hiding because its light and heat were shamed or unappreciated when they were no longer useful. My therapist told me stop hiding when I need to be vulnerable and I think that was the push I needed to share how I really feel about my ex and the relationship without the fear of what I say being turned into a damn YouTube series or social media content. 

A spiritual experience I had with the First People’s of the Land in Canada (shoutout to Sedailia for the Smudging) where she pointed out that I was holding on TIGHT to something. I thought I knew what it was, but it wasn’t that. I speak about what I was holding on to in a lot of detail, but in short, I been keeping my story to myself because of the insecurities it comes with. Admitting I, emotionally intelligent Courtney Brame was emotionally manipulated in my last relationship, that I care so much about being liked, and that I desire accountability from my ex on her part of the wrongdoings of the relationship are vulnerable for me. I held on so tight to these things that I’ve just not been saying anything and Sedailia read right through that shit, so I’m sure the Universe’s responses to my energy are no different. 

This episode is me finally clearing that space and letting go of my fear of what I’ve been victim to, being used due to my vulnerability allowing someone to become whatever I want for them to get what they want from me. I been hesitant to share my personal experiences out of fear. But my ex been talking shit on me and marketing it despite me having told her in the relationship “hey this is probably one of the worst things that can happen to me” and then do the shit. I can admit to feeling used, which I’ve kept to myself. I can admit that despite her twist on the story and omission of details that would more appropriately share the narrative, I still love her as I did in the relationship, just from a distance.

I love and loved all parts of her, but as the sun would cause devastation if it were to shift for the shifts of another, I did that. Across all her endeavors and identity shifts, I was there with her, dysregulating what she got regulation from, my center of gravity, my presence. I was a regulating force to her until I TRIED to be a regulating force for her and those little degree temperature shifts of support from coaching, to making candles, to hosting events, to workshops, to selling adult toys, to vlogging, to not wanting to work, to coaching certifications . . . all made her look at me and go . . . “ew”. 

In my smudging, which is an energetic cleanse of Indigenous origins where, well, the second one because I came back when I knew what to let go of, the elder let me share with her that what I thought I was letting go of wasn’t actually it. I had the opportunity to actually let go of what I was holding on to, and I just was too ashamed to say it. I needed to let go of the identity I had of being a victim, playing the nice guy, needing to be liked, needing to “fix” or save, and wanting accountability from my ex girlfriend for her role. All things I hold out hope for and have created an identity around.

It was after this that I just let a few days pass, I talked to my therapist, and recapped that there are two (or more) people in a relationship, any relationship. What comes up is this urge to “defend” myself but reality is, I’ll never have someone tell me “Courtney your ex said this about you and I now have different opinions of you. Is this thing true? Or what do you have to say about this?” for me to even say that’s not what happened or give any additional context.

The relationship was about a 93% out of 100% and I had a positive experience. I’ve taken that much accountability for not sticking to my identity as who I was when we met, but also there is no accountability or even acknowledgment of her influence . . . manipulation of making me into this person she ended the relationship with and now gossips about despite me loving her in ALL her shifts, despite her warnings of being “crazy”, jealous or anxious. I didn’t know what I signed up for, just that who I was seeing, learning, and getting to know were all loveable parts. Now, I can let go and love even deeper just from afar now that I’m letting this all go. I won’t hate her. I won’t bad mouth her. But I’ll be damned if I sit up here and let fear of this happening to me again keep me from being successful. What has sucked is that I have become fearful and less vulnerable. I disconnected from people who could’ve called me in to really get details from me about what was going on in my relationship to point out red flags. My ex was very tactical in getting me from listening to my podcast, engaging with my content, subscribing to my patreon, expressing interests in what I was interested in, and the thing that drew her to me, my positivity and presence were the things that she even expressed being what annoyed her the most about me.

I hated seeing that post about me not doing anything for our anniversary because not only did she tell me she didn’t want that to be our anniversary, but she ain’t mention how her car broke down and I paid to get it fixed for her. It hurts to hear so long after our relationship that there’s no accountability which I shouldn’t expect, for words said followed by no action vs my action not followed up by words. It’s like I’m a terrible person for what I DID NOT do versus what I did do, which I took the actions that were asked of me, and that’s where I messed up.

I’m not holding on to this anymore. I’ve decided . . . CHOSEN to let this go. I don’t want to be afraid of being used again or emotionally manipulated. I’ve placed myself in a space now where I am able to fulfill my purpose prioritizing the transmutation of stigma into healing through my positive spirit, my presence. I ain’t letting myself get deviated anymore, and I also an’t letting the people down who come here for this, for me to be me. I appreciate my friends, family, lovers, colleagues, and supporters for challenging me on posting all this sad boy shit. I appreciate being called out for not sharing how I really feel and how I really feel is that it’s bullshit that the story is “Courtney fucked up the relationship”. No. I can take accountability for not ending it after the first few changes, but I thought maybe this peron has my best interest at heart, but reality is I was a victim to emotional manipulation by someone who as nicely as I can put it was just selfish. 

We both were getting what we wanted out of the relationship until we weren’t. I can live with that narrative and let go of holding on to “This was all my fault”. I’ve said things not as myself but as someone confused and just trying to repair and get things on track to what I was promised throughout the relationship which was “If you do this for me, THEN I’ll love you as you will be”. That ain’t present. That’s not love. The aftermath of the relationship brought out a negative version of me and that was spilling into things. I choose not to let that happen again because now that the thing I was most scared of happening has happened, there is no fear, just more caution. 

I listened and reacted and became someone different as I oriented myself to her seeking of identities through work, play, healing, grieving, and navigating all the trauma TOGETHER because that’s what you do when you love someone. 

I know this tone can read as something I’m not trying to make it so I want to clearly state that this is with a tear in the eye and a slight smile of lightness being able to let this go and not wake up with these thoughts or slipping my experience in convos. It’s with the most love that I’m letting go rather than control trying to take over any narrative at all. That’s love unconditional. And with that, I can establish my rhythm post-pressure, heat and friction as the star that I’m becoming and get back to being present in transmuting stigma into healing not for anyone, but because this is who I am and what my power is. I’m connected again.