SPFPP 380: Transmuting Stigma Into Healing - Lessons from Depression

Hello, World!

I’m Letting Go in this one ya’ll.

The sun’s purpose is to transmute hydrogen into helium. Well that may not necessarily be its purpose, but that’s what it does. As a star, it’s identity is molded by heat, pressure, and friction. In turn, you and I get light, heat, a steady planet held in place by the gravity produced by it oh and by the way, life as a whole.

I think about if the sun were to watch me, and if I say “it’s really cold today” and the sun was like, “Oh here Courtney lemme help you with that” and then adjust itself to warm me up even just a few degrees, how catastrophic of an event that would be for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that has oriented itself to the sun and its rhythm of holding this orbit in place.

Now apply that to people. I’ll use myself as an example. When I’m transmuting herpes stigma into healing, that’s when I’m most positive. I’m present. I have a gravity, an energy that is attractive to others who experience the metaphorical light and heat, as well as consistency and people just want to orient themselves appropriately. 

As I run SPFPP between podcasts, support calls, conferences, etc. what happens is that I am most myself. I’m metaphorically a star with an orbit allowing the external world outside me to orient itself to my rhythm, consistency, and presence to do what it will with that. People may take something I say and apply it to their lives and get something or a relationship and it turn into something beautiful whether it be family, community, or just healthy and loving companionship.

When I step away from that say like I did when I was in my previous relationship, which I speak a lot about here, I get out of rhythm and disrupt the flow of those oriented to my presence. I speak about what depression feels like here. It is an emotional friction, heat, and pressure that happens emotionally that you just have to feel. You don’t get the lessons from depression until you heal. You don’t heal until you feel. AND BOY HAVE I BEEN FEELING!

I share vulnerably what my fears are and have been. Since this relationship with my ex has ended I’ve held on to these fears and it made me small. It’s like the sun hiding because its light and heat were shamed or unappreciated when they were no longer useful. My therapist told me stop hiding when I need to be vulnerable and I think that was the push I needed to share how I really feel about my ex and the relationship without the fear of what I say being turned into a damn YouTube series or social media content. 

A spiritual experience I had with the First People’s of the Land in Canada (shoutout to Sedailia for the Smudging) where she pointed out that I was holding on TIGHT to something. I thought I knew what it was, but it wasn’t that. I speak about what I was holding on to in a lot of detail, but in short, I been keeping my story to myself because of the insecurities it comes with. Admitting I, emotionally intelligent Courtney Brame was emotionally manipulated in my last relationship, that I care so much about being liked, and that I desire accountability from my ex on her part of the wrongdoings of the relationship are vulnerable for me. I held on so tight to these things that I’ve just not been saying anything and Sedailia read right through that shit, so I’m sure the Universe’s responses to my energy are no different. 

This episode is me finally clearing that space and letting go of my fear of what I’ve been victim to, being used due to my vulnerability allowing someone to become whatever I want for them to get what they want from me. I been hesitant to share my personal experiences out of fear. But my ex been talking shit on me and marketing it despite me having told her in the relationship “hey this is probably one of the worst things that can happen to me” and then do the shit. I can admit to feeling used, which I’ve kept to myself. I can admit that despite her twist on the story and omission of details that would more appropriately share the narrative, I still love her as I did in the relationship, just from a distance.

I love and loved all parts of her, but as the sun would cause devastation if it were to shift for the shifts of another, I did that. Across all her endeavors and identity shifts, I was there with her, dysregulating what she got regulation from, my center of gravity, my presence. I was a regulating force to her until I TRIED to be a regulating force for her and those little degree temperature shifts of support from coaching, to making candles, to hosting events, to workshops, to selling adult toys, to vlogging, to not wanting to work, to coaching certifications . . . all made her look at me and go . . . “ew”. 

In my smudging, which is an energetic cleanse of Indigenous origins where, well, the second one because I came back when I knew what to let go of, the elder let me share with her that what I thought I was letting go of wasn’t actually it. I had the opportunity to actually let go of what I was holding on to, and I just was too ashamed to say it. I needed to let go of the identity I had of being a victim, playing the nice guy, needing to be liked, needing to “fix” or save, and wanting accountability from my ex girlfriend for her role. All things I hold out hope for and have created an identity around.

It was after this that I just let a few days pass, I talked to my therapist, and recapped that there are two (or more) people in a relationship, any relationship. What comes up is this urge to “defend” myself but reality is, I’ll never have someone tell me “Courtney your ex said this about you and I now have different opinions of you. Is this thing true? Or what do you have to say about this?” for me to even say that’s not what happened or give any additional context.

The relationship was about a 93% out of 100% and I had a positive experience. I’ve taken that much accountability for not sticking to my identity as who I was when we met, but also there is no accountability or even acknowledgment of her influence . . . manipulation of making me into this person she ended the relationship with and now gossips about despite me loving her in ALL her shifts, despite her warnings of being “crazy”, jealous or anxious. I didn’t know what I signed up for, just that who I was seeing, learning, and getting to know were all loveable parts. Now, I can let go and love even deeper just from afar now that I’m letting this all go. I won’t hate her. I won’t bad mouth her. But I’ll be damned if I sit up here and let fear of this happening to me again keep me from being successful. What has sucked is that I have become fearful and less vulnerable. I disconnected from people who could’ve called me in to really get details from me about what was going on in my relationship to point out red flags. My ex was very tactical in getting me from listening to my podcast, engaging with my content, subscribing to my patreon, expressing interests in what I was interested in, and the thing that drew her to me, my positivity and presence were the things that she even expressed being what annoyed her the most about me.

I hated seeing that post about me not doing anything for our anniversary because not only did she tell me she didn’t want that to be our anniversary, but she ain’t mention how her car broke down and I paid to get it fixed for her. It hurts to hear so long after our relationship that there’s no accountability which I shouldn’t expect, for words said followed by no action vs my action not followed up by words. It’s like I’m a terrible person for what I DID NOT do versus what I did do, which I took the actions that were asked of me, and that’s where I messed up.

I’m not holding on to this anymore. I’ve decided . . . CHOSEN to let this go. I don’t want to be afraid of being used again or emotionally manipulated. I’ve placed myself in a space now where I am able to fulfill my purpose prioritizing the transmutation of stigma into healing through my positive spirit, my presence. I ain’t letting myself get deviated anymore, and I also an’t letting the people down who come here for this, for me to be me. I appreciate my friends, family, lovers, colleagues, and supporters for challenging me on posting all this sad boy shit. I appreciate being called out for not sharing how I really feel and how I really feel is that it’s bullshit that the story is “Courtney fucked up the relationship”. No. I can take accountability for not ending it after the first few changes, but I thought maybe this peron has my best interest at heart, but reality is I was a victim to emotional manipulation by someone who as nicely as I can put it was just selfish. 

We both were getting what we wanted out of the relationship until we weren’t. I can live with that narrative and let go of holding on to “This was all my fault”. I’ve said things not as myself but as someone confused and just trying to repair and get things on track to what I was promised throughout the relationship which was “If you do this for me, THEN I’ll love you as you will be”. That ain’t present. That’s not love. The aftermath of the relationship brought out a negative version of me and that was spilling into things. I choose not to let that happen again because now that the thing I was most scared of happening has happened, there is no fear, just more caution. 

I listened and reacted and became someone different as I oriented myself to her seeking of identities through work, play, healing, grieving, and navigating all the trauma TOGETHER because that’s what you do when you love someone. 

I know this tone can read as something I’m not trying to make it so I want to clearly state that this is with a tear in the eye and a slight smile of lightness being able to let this go and not wake up with these thoughts or slipping my experience in convos. It’s with the most love that I’m letting go rather than control trying to take over any narrative at all. That’s love unconditional. And with that, I can establish my rhythm post-pressure, heat and friction as the star that I’m becoming and get back to being present in transmuting stigma into healing not for anyone, but because this is who I am and what my power is. I’m connected again.

SPFPP 380 Transcript

Courtney Brame (Host): Welcome to something positive for positive people. I'm Courtney Brame. I want to do a little bit of different intro and I think that's just no intro at all to be completely honest. I'm reflecting on what this has been over the last god, it's been eight years that I've been podcasting consistently to the exception of a few weeks of this year and those times where I thought that I needed to be doing something else and I tried something else

00:05:00

Courtney Brame (Host): and felt the pull back to the core of what something positive is And this has really just been about and for people living with herpes.  And I apologize for the shifts that I've tried to make between trying to detach the personalization from my experience and take that out of something positive for positive people and put that into the men's emotional wellness platform that I attempted to create. And the intentions behind that weren't my own.

Courtney Brame (Host): they weren't pure. it wasn't something that I should have done. And looking back on that time that I was running self like I was burning myself out. I was exhausting myself and my resources and I had the capacity because I'm built like that to be completely honest.  But I think as it relates to stigma as a whole, the way that I look at it is fragmented identity. And I've known who I am. I've known what I'm here to do. That's transmuting stigma into healing. And specifically herpes stigma on the surface and

Courtney Brame (Host): Once that comes to my bubble from people who have heard when we get together and we start to talk and we start to trade experiences and I start to learn more about people that's where the other self stigmas come up that's where we start to explore identity that's where we start to look at who

Courtney Brame (Host): person is and who they're not. And I myself have allowed for my own identity to become fragmented. I began to fragment myself from something positive for possible people podcast host and nonprofit founder and yoga teacher. And I try to  support me from all of that. And man, I recognize the fear behind that. The fear that comes from All right, I'mma be real kind of vulnerable.

Courtney Brame (Host): I would be very resistant to dating anyone who found me through my podcast.  And the resistance there comes from a place of being afraid that people will listen to the podcast and feel like they know me and then become what it is that they think I want because I mean This is what I do. This is

Courtney Brame (Host): expression of who I am and my fear of somebody approaching me, saying all the right things and presenting themselves as somebody who's a fit for the kind of relationships that I've wanted or whatever, but just to become

00:10:00

Courtney Brame (Host): somebody that they're not in order to get whatever it is they want from me. I always say I ain't got no money, so it ain't like nobody getting that out of me. And I found myself in a couple of situations where that barrier that I put up for myself has warranted new kinds of experiences. and I say this  that I'm sorting through this as I'm saying And the reason that I think that it's important for me to address this is because I want to bring that vulnerability back. I want to bring that transparency back and I want to do so with more transformed boundaries.

Courtney Brame (Host): because have been positive interactions that I've had with people who somehow adjacently met me through the podcast but also the ones that made it through my own boundaries that I put up for myself who passed the boundaries check if I can even call them boundaries right I think there were more rules like I won't engage with

Courtney Brame (Host): or be with or date, anybody who especially listens to the podcast, finds a podcast " my god, this was the worst experience that I had herpes." and I supported them from this dark place, because I am aware of power dynamics in the sense of if  comes to me and they're low and me being an attractive man to women who maybe are newly diagnosed that can be seen as very predatory and I've been very selective in if I meet someone through podcast or over social media be cautious about that.

Courtney Brame (Host): But it's happened enough times over the years now, especially looking back on past relationships and talking about them with other people where I see that that doesn't hold for me. that fear doesn't make sense because even with the rules that I've put in place for myself, it still happens.  I'm not saying that.

Courtney Brame (Host): But I hate how this is coming out because it's so raw and unprocessed, but it feels important to name and just naming the intention there is that I am getting back to being more sharing about personal experiences as well because I think that that is the essence of something positive like me being openly vulnerable does invite the openness and vulnerability

Courtney Brame (Host): of podcast guest and lately it's been really difficult for me to get podcast guests because I have been trying to maintain a certain level of professionalism especially over the last two years that I was in my relationship and I was taking a lot of critique for lack of better words from my exartner about how I did things and a lot of how I made adjustments

Courtney Brame (Host): according to her and out of respect for the relationship, not sharing too much of what my experiences were. I was just speaking to, hey, I'm in a relationship. Yay, this is it. And it's unfortunate that the relationship didn't work out. And I was left very confused from the relationship. And I've been very mindful of

Courtney Brame (Host): about it or how I speak about it. And unfortunately, it's come to my attention that there have been a lot of negative things about me. Some of these things have enough there's been a lack of context enough for people to have treated me differently and it does make me a little bit sad. but the way that I look at it is, if people don't care

Courtney Brame (Host): to pick up the other 66% of the story because there's three sides to every story. There's your side, and the truth. And I like to hope that my nonreactivity as best it can be speaks enough for my character, my experience. But coming into where I'm at now, right,  This is enough of evidence for me to see that I am susceptible to this kind of thing where somebody can present themselves as being okay with the kind of life and lifestyle that I have and who I am and try to change me.

00:15:00

Courtney Brame (Host): And sometimes people will be successful in the changes. But also I recognize that the world around us tends to it it's like a field test of our integrity of who we are. And I failed my integrity test in my last relationship because I didn't stay true with who I am.  And I thought that it was in an attempt of being better. I looked at the test as okay, this person's coming in and She's challenging me to be something greater, be something more, but really it was to be something different. And the way that it was presented, it just felt so tactical. It was tactical.

Courtney Brame (Host): And I'm not going to go into all the details about it, but just there were things that were said in the beginning that were And over time, it became apparent and revealed that she wasn't really okay with a lot of the things that she said she was okay with.  And even with me proactively not, doing those things because essentially, it ended up turning into a monogous relationship which I was doing that I was doing monogamy and I was doing it with integrity and coming out of the growth and development that I had. it just seemed like

Courtney Brame (Host): doing monogamy wasn't enough. And it was really about being this kind of monogous person or being in this kind of monogous relationship that was whatever her vision for it was. And it sucks that the story that is presented is first off one that I will never know what's being said to these people. And I think that my healing is in being okay with that.

Courtney Brame (Host): There's people that we share space with, we've been, quote friends with, and I say quote friends because these people that even like that we were mutual friends with I feel the difference treatment and experienced it, to know that there's absolutely something there and being okay with that is what my work is.

Courtney Brame (Host): That's me. Because what has happened is that this breakup has put some insecurities in my face. The insecurity of wanting to fix people, But it's not really about me wanting to fix people. It's really about what is it that's broken in me to need to fix other people or need to fix someone?

Courtney Brame (Host): And I've taken accountability from day one of hey here is how I could have been better. If I would have done this thing then things would have been different, But ultimately none of that matters because my integrity was compromised. I chose to compromise my integrity and I compromised it in a variety of ways by noting

Courtney Brame (Host): I should have put my foot down at the first signs of changing how I run my business or how I interact with people through something positive for positive people. And I've gotten enough feedback over the last six months now to recognize that, yeah, I did change. And something else that's frustrating is just like how I hear or

Courtney Brame (Host): heard that I've been talked about publicly on social media, especially after saying, the worst thing that can happen to me is for somebody that I'm in relationship with to if it ends or even if we together still to go out into the world and just talk s*** about me. And that's what has happened is it's funny because the thing that we fear sometimes is still what happens. And

00:20:00

Courtney Brame (Host): I've been blocked, so I don't see everything. there have been times where stuff's popped up and I've just been like, " okay. I'm curious. let me check out this podcast episode she's got." Or maybe somebody will share something with me that and give me just a heads up. Here's what's been said. And my reputation something positive for positive people like

Courtney Brame (Host): That is what this is an expression of who I am. And so for somebody who's also in the same career field to be saying whatever it is that they're saying about me, I can't defend myself. And also  I ain't got to defend nothing. There have been times where I tried to record so many podcast episodes and I caught myself just defending myself or speaking to, the relationship to some degree. And It never felt right for me to say the things that I was saying.

Courtney Brame (Host): And partially was because I didn't want to become content because that's what it seemed like. It seemed like it got to a point where anything that I like said or could produce content, from her end or some type of disagreement or whatever. But, looking back, what I did was change. And it wasn't  me changing in the relationship. It was me changing in my career. It was me changing in my passion. You know what I'm saying? And I have so many good memories of the relationship. The relationship itself was a great relationship. Hands down. I was serious. and grief comes up still, right?

Courtney Brame (Host): when you think you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, when you make all the changes that I requested of you to make and you become this different person like my anchor the last thing that I was holding on to that was hold on this is what  You want me to give up a sevenyear relationship, connection, friendship, intimacy with somebody just because I don't even know what the reason was, but my saving grace for coming back into who I am was just a connection to somebody that was not okay for the relationship.

Courtney Brame (Host): And this connection had been there and named from day one. And I hate the positioning of me as a person.  And yeah, just again I don't know what's fully being said, but I know that there's just been a lot of negativity directed towards me and minimal if any accountability and I have to live with it. I got to be okay with that. And not being liked by people. it feels so hard to say that.

Courtney Brame (Host): It's hard to say that because it's true. I do have to be okay with not being liked by people. I got to be okay with not being liked by everybody. And the test of this relationship like the relationship wasn't a test. It was so natural for me to be in a relationship.  I wrote about what I remember about the relationship and how, taking care of responsibilities, taking care of her, witnessing where there were things that I could naturally do to nurture her and make her life easier. And I did those things, not because she asked for me.

00:25:00

Courtney Brame (Host): I think that when you're in a relationship there's things that you observe that you don't have to wait for your partner to ask for you to do like you see hey this thing just it's if you see something laying on the floor just on the floor you can either walk past her and be like that ain't mine not my responsibility she'll get it and you  do it so many times and then it's still there and it's never picked up and you hear your partner complain about " I got to do that." Right? And then you just do it and it's not a problem anymore.

Courtney Brame (Host): But having done it or having moved the thing then creates the problem of depriving that person of whatever the experience is that they need out of that by tripping over said thing that's on the floor for them to go, what? I Here's the aftermath of that. Let me pick this thing up. Let me not do that anymore."  rather than me doing it in that thing, ending up on the floor again and again and again, but in different ways. So that's the kind of person I have been and am in relationships. I'm not f to eat steak and you eating** storebought ramen noodles. You know what I'm saying? So the

Courtney Brame (Host): And now here I am. I'm doing a little bit of the thing that I didn't want to be doing, which is still kind of feeling like I'm defending myself. But I think that I'm getting through to something on the other side of this because I'm choosing to be reconnected with my community. especially after having been so disconnected and especially after having made so many changes. I made a lot of changes for myself. I stopped posting to Instagram what I post to Instagram. I made her such a important part of my life and trying to integrate her into my work stuff because of what she said in the beginning.

Courtney Brame (Host): I remember her saying "I want to run a sexual wellness center at the beginning of the relationship." I'm like, "Damn, that's tight." Because I've always thought of the sexual health is mental health, staying virtual. It never occurred to me to do something in person and have a store, right?  I remember her, at the beginning wanting to make massage candles and needing a particular type of jar. So, I got the jars and I ain't seen her make a candle since.

Courtney Brame (Host): and I'll be damned if I sit up here and let anybody tell me I'm not a good f****** boyfriend because when I give boyfriend privileges and that's what I call everybody can get boyfriend privileges. I give them to people who demonstrated a worthiness of that. And to me, boyfriend privileges are  I take you in as part of me, but also I recognize not everybody wants that. one of the things that infuriated me was seeing a post of my ex posted I can't believe I spent so much time crying over somebody who didn't do anything for our anniversary. this one was a killer because there was

Courtney Brame (Host): I guess I just need to go on and say it because I've been holding it in for so long.  I spent $2,400 on getting this girl's car fixed and you telling people I ain't do nothing for your anniversary and the context around it it maybe seems like there was no thought behind it.  But there was also challenges around the anniversary itself, the date of the anniversary being significant with a traumatic event, a triggering event from the beginning of our relationship and hearing her say I don't want that day to be our anniversary.

00:30:00

Courtney Brame (Host): I hate that there's so much context that is being lost from what's being said about me and about our relationship. So I guess like to some degree I'm coming here and venting to some end, but also I gotta let this s** go.  And shout out to Sidelia, the elder of the first peoples of the land. I had u spiritual healing when I went to Canada, which my ex was supposed to be there with me. And so I guess this feels much more significant now because she was supposed to be there, she wasn't. And then I go have this smudging energy cleansing with this elder I ain't never

Courtney Brame (Host): talk to her or anything outside of here. we sat down and shot the s*** a little bit before going into the session, but I was with a colleague of mine and she got her smudging. It was smooth. I sat there. I watch and then it was my turn y'all. So I get up, I'm smiling a little bit. I got my posture right, feet wide, shoulders width apart, shoulders drop. You know what I'm saying? And I'm just like, " let's do this." She's smudging me and she gets to my throat.

Courtney Brame (Host): This has happened before where I've gotten some type of healing or energy work where my body is communicating confidence. is communicating the right things I guess like the good things but I guess energetically that ain't the case because someone did some work on me and she was  When I got to your throat, I was coughing a lot. I was choking a lot, which means that this is something around things that are going unsaid boundaries are not like enforcing your boundaries and I was like, " my bad."

Courtney Brame (Host): because I also fell asleep during that session. But for the smudging, I had to stand up. And when the lady brought the eagle wings to my neck and chest area, she was like, You hold on tight. Whatever that is, you got to let that s*** go." And when she said it, I thought I knew what she meant, but something told me. I was like, "No, that ain't what she means." And I thought that and mind you,  This has been a hard year for me, I moved in with my ex December 23rd. That was the day I moved in. And in January, I would say It was about three weeks until moving in.

Courtney Brame (Host): that's when I got too close and I got to see things that you can't hold up the mask long. I am a very simple person to be with and I recognize that I love emotional intensity. we can blame it on me being a Scorpio whatever but I saw that there couldn't the consistent there was inconsistency.  There was a lot of inconsistency and on her part and for so long I've been holding on to not wanting to share anything that was negative. And the consis I was there for the different identities for I want to make massage camps. I want to host events. I want to sell sex toys. I want to be a relationships coach. I want to get my sexuality certification.

Courtney Brame (Host): I was there for all of these shifts and changes of identity of self. I loved all these parts of this woman. when we first met, first she told me, she's like, "Hey, I got anxiety. I'm jealous." She even told me I'm crazy. And I chose to love all of these parts of her because that you do. That's unconditional love.  even now I know she's seeing someone else and I still love her. I hope that she's happy. Also hope that she quit talking about me. just I hope that she lets it go. And what sucks is I remember the last conversation we had and the last conversation that we had was right after we did this talk together.

00:35:00

Courtney Brame (Host): I believe it was towards the end of April or early May. We did a workshop together for Planned Parenthood, split the cost, and I told him I was like, "Yo, I don't want to do this without you. we would make a damn good team when we working together." And she told me, she was "Only contact me for work stuff." It's like, "Bet." So, we did that and the next day She called me. I ain't going to say what was going on.

Courtney Brame (Host): much her personal business, but the last thing she said to me was, "I love I miss you. And you're the only person who's always there for me." And everything after that last conversation we had is reflective of that. It's not reflective of the last conversation that we had. I love you. I miss you. And you're the only person who was there for me.  So to see how I'm being portrayed from her experience like I'm and I'm not going to let this be something that dictates how I interact with people moving forward. I will say that it's gonna give me boundaries because even after her I met someone who said the same things. and even I'm curious about polyamory.

Courtney Brame (Host): That was another thing that is verbatim the statement. I think that that is my red flag statement. Now I'm curious about polyamory because there was someone else that I met afterwards someone that I thought that I had a lot more rapport with who said these same things. I'm crazy. I'm anxious and I can get in my head and make up stories about things. I was like, "Oh s***, look at you being transparent tight. I like this transparency."

Courtney Brame (Host): And because I have experience with someone saying this and then ending up in a relationship with them, I'm not going to do that here, but I'm going to trust what you're saying at face value and we're going to have a great time together. And we did have a great time together. And then fast forward six weeks and the pattern was they wanted Future, but I gave them Drake.  So, for those who don't know, because I think a lot of white people listen to this podcast, Future is a rapper who is known for being toxic. he is known for being kind of person he's the kind of person that That's what y'all call f*** boys. Future's a f*** boy. Whereas Drake is a lover boy.

Courtney Brame (Host): And for probably my whole life I've been more of a Drake. I don't know where people get this future image from. I'm not somebody just out here catching bodies. I like the forehead to forehead missionary. Don't get me wrong. sex-wise, there's a level of safety that I need outside the bedroom to be able to go inside the bedroom. And that I think is what people like I feel like sometimes I'm objectified for my appearance, but there's so much more to me than that.

Courtney Brame (Host): And I think that what Sadelia did in our smudging session, the energetic clearing, was just bring to my attention that even though what's on the surface, I have not let go of the thing that I've been trying to hide. And I've been trying to hide it because I don't want to be seen as a bad person.  I've been hiding it because, I want to be seen as somebody who does take accountability, but also these situations, my ex and then even the person after her. we all got what we wanted from the relationship until we weren't getting it anymore. That's when it became an issue or they changed their minds. And we live in a world like I'm in the consent world.

Courtney Brame (Host): I know that when you change your mind, all right, that's it. the fun is done. And that's what happened, multiple times now, people have presented themselves in a way that is exactly what I want to hear and then over time have tried to change me or just been unwilling to admit, hey, things have changed for me. This doesn't work.  and the desire to be liked, especially in the relationship, I think that I've overcome that when it came around the second time, but in the relationship that I was in the desire it led to me spending a lot more time with her family, not even tripping off the fact that she ain't never met nobody in my family.

00:40:00

Courtney Brame (Host): And when we started to travel or go places and, it seemed like there was some resistance there to connecting with the people that I was bringing her around, but you don't hear about that, you'll go on these trips and everything and you'll do this, but won't share the real story. come on.

Courtney Brame (Host): and I feel used flat out. But that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I can hold these two truths. Like that that's even the relationship that I got into shortly after starting the podcast. I felt you was in that relationship and I have a pattern there, for her it's been long enough

Courtney Brame (Host): I could talk about it. She was in nursing school and I told her from early on before we started to get serious. I was like, "Hey, poly or non- monogamy, I don't know or care what it looks like, but non- monogamy is something that I am interested in. This is important to me." She lost her s*** initially, and then she was like, "Okay, I can do this. Here's what I need it to look like, and I need for us to go at this pace." And I was like, "Hell yeah, let's do that. Let's do that.

Courtney Brame (Host): and we were doing it and throughout the relationship I'm holding it down like this my forever person again when I'm with somebody I bring you into my world you become an extension of me especially in proximity and I'm also learning the purpose of dating is to field test the integrity of each individual first that's the purpose of dating and what I've done is I take

Courtney Brame (Host): face value, what people tell me and then my actions align with what we've talked about, but I've not seen that consistency of actions from the people that I've chosen to be in relationships with because I don't take that lightly. If I give somebody the title of relationship, partner, girlfriend, I think that at this point it's just about doing the things that  what we have to give into the relationship and I put a lot not into the relationship but into the person, I remember I don't give a f*** about that gender role s***. I'll cook and I'll wash my own dishes. I do all of that. I clean up my mess. I clean up our mess.

Courtney Brame (Host): And when she got out of nursing school, as soon as she got done, she came in the house one day and she said, "Hey," after she got a job, she's like, "Hey, I can't do this nominog s***, so the ball's in your court." And I was just sitting on the couch all right." And That was December 2019. That was the end of that relationship. That was after  this one year and a half where out the gate started nom monogamous I go hey I recognize that I'm unable to be present with these other relationships and I have a history of prioritizing finding out if the person I'm with is actually okay with non- monogamy and then that being what leads to the downfall of the relationship.

Courtney Brame (Host): So, I'm going to prioritize you and our relationship. This meant ending some relationships. It meant putting the sex piece, even the intimacy piece on pause for another relationship. And it wasn't then. It wasn't a problem then. And I let linguistics and language and timing and things like** up. I got such a misdirection of what the actual problems were in the relationship and I'm deflected. I'm looking up, symptoms of things that she's telling me about that are going on with her. and I'm learning these things. I'm learning about them.

00:45:00

Courtney Brame (Host): I'm learning how to love this person in all of the different directions that she may have been going because That's what My love is unconditional. And I hate how that sounds, man, but I just got to say as emotionally aware and intelligent as I feel like I was emotionally manipulated.

Courtney Brame (Host): And the more I cut myself off from something positive for positive people community and women, it's almost like there was something that if I were to talk to women about my relationship, it would have been exposed that there was some manipulation going on or it would have been exposed that hey Courtney, you might want to talk to her about this or maybe you might want to get out of that relationship because after the

Courtney Brame (Host): In fact, when I started talking to people, I was talking to people from, her experience of what she was sharing, what she was telling me I was doing or not doing. And the more I talked about it, the more people like, Courtney, you are being real hard on yourself. what was your experience? To the point where I didn't even have an experience. It felt like I didn't have one. It took for me to really have to be by myself away from the words that she was  my actions, energy for me to finally be able to go, this was my experience." From a place of presence, from a place of positivity, because it was a good relationship. Overall, my experience, if I were to give that relationship a grade, it'd be a 93.

Courtney Brame (Host): And the 7% I think it comes from my own insecurities being capitalized on and me not having boundaries because if I had boundaries that were clearly articulated, she would have known how to orient herself to me and maybe she would have been able to just remain emotionally stable because she knows, okay, this is how to orient.  And I will say this, when we first met, she told me She didn't want Drake. She ain't use those words, but for lack of better words, she told me she wanted future. I showed up as Drake. s***. And the more I got to know her, from a distance, when we were long distance, I saw that consistency. I saw that stability. I saw that, okay, so you actually cool with this? I don't need

Courtney Brame (Host): test you like, "Let's do this relationship thing. Let's do this." And she wasn't okay with that. And now, I'm watching I'm hearing myself be talked about or I don't know if it's ended or not or what, but more than any other relationship, more than the marriage and divorce, And that s*** like that hurts because I was there.  I supported and healed and supported the healing of and helped through a lot of things that only someone who was there every day would be able to see. So to just s*** on me and act like I des exist and then just replace my ass and act like nothing happened and take no accountability.

Courtney Brame (Host): That's what I've been like looking for. And in looking for that, I got to let that s** go. I'm not gonna get accountability. I'm not going to get justice. I'm not going to get people to come to me and say, "Hey, Courtney, I heard this about you and it bothers me and it's making me not want to work with you or recommend you or any of that. So, can you clear this up for me? Is this true?" I will never hear that from people. and I'm in a field that is predominantly women. I understand that. And I believe women and girl, yes, queen. But to see people like who I've been the same m**** person over the last seven, eight years. I've evolved. And I've even named these evolutions. I've named where I f***** up. I've named my growth points.

Courtney Brame (Host): And so the consistency of my identity and how I show up and who I am, my presence, for that to be just completely disregarded because of a relationship ended and the relationship didn't end badly. I truly believe that a lot of the things, even arguments, when we had disagreements, she wouldn't even look at me. Sometimes I got to ask her Hey, look at me. Who are you talking to? who is this about?" Okay, I understand you're triggered, but is this trigger really something I did or is it from the past? And more often than not, it would be something reemerging from the past. And I feel like that's even what's happening here. There wasn't a

00:50:00

Courtney Brame (Host): to really** blow up about exes and be negative and share feelings and release the intensity of emotion about past partners. And it wasn't able to be received. It wasn't able to be experienced. It wasn't able to be witnessed by other people. And I'm watching that real time, I've had to watch that. And I had to just do nothing. bite my tongue.  And I think that after my trip in Canada, processing that, talking to my therapist, speaking to my friends, reconnecting with the women around me that keep me grounded. I let myself get ungrounded. And those relationships that I've had with women have been threatening.

Courtney Brame (Host): the women who see me and that even saying that I'm feeling a tightness in my chest as I say that because even me being seen by other people was an issue in our relationship. I never forget the conversation that we had where I'm trying to be emotionally vulnerable and expressive the same way that I am on the podcast. so many times I've just been able to process things on my podcast and just say them and it resonate with somebody. They reach out, we have a conversation about it and I gain perspective. I become a little more aware of who I am just a little bit, right?

Courtney Brame (Host): And I remember that being a problem. I get shut down by the person I'm trying to spend the rest of my life with for trying to articulate and use language that I don't have. And again, like to say that I was emotionally manipulated and that word is so closely tied to abuse like that that is a blow to my f***** ego.  And I've kept that to myself. Yeah, I was emotionally manipulated. You know how much of a b**** I sound like? I'm sorry if any health professionals still listening to this podcast. I'm sorry. This ain't for y'all.

Courtney Brame (Host): This is for the people who I need to be myself and I've been transforming into and I look at how stars are born right if we are just light particles and stardust it's friction heat it's pressure and what I experienced you in hindsight from the relationship is friction and heat and pressure emotionally. there wasn't any physical stuff at all. I hate how I've heard her talk about our sex life in a podcast and I'm like, " I talk to you about these things." And that has never come up.

Courtney Brame (Host): who I am and how I am has been affirmed as I've allowed myself to share with people close to me specific points in the relationship and they're like Courtney this don't sound like it was all you and to be witnessed in that way to be heard in that way right it was still uncomfortable for me because I'm like no but she said like that she said that I did this she said I didn't do

Courtney Brame (Host): that and even just the timing and wording of things, It f**** me up because there was so many just over some of the responses to things did not seem warranted. And just  calling specific experiences. Like I said, 93% of the relationship was good. that's enough for me to want to continue the relationship and work on and work through things.

00:55:00

Courtney Brame (Host): And as we started talking about couples therapy, as we started talking about hey, you haven't met my family. It was kind of*, things is getting hard. let me get out of this. Let me I need to hit the reset. and I started to just hear things. She would tell me what I wanted to hear, but there wasn't any action behind it. And I had the  behind all my actions showed that I wanted to be there, but the words weren't there. It's just such an opposite thing. So, I'm confused as f***. And I'm reading things on Reddit about mental disorders and I caught myself going down a rabbit hole and I'm like, I cried when I read something some of these posts.

Courtney Brame (Host): damn, is that what I experienced? I think that I ain't gonna say this. I'm not going to say what, I think it is, but the emotional manipulation looks like something that is out of my control that I can't heal.  and being around the family I didn't expect to be talked about the way that I've been talked about online because it wasn't done with the previous partner and It hurts for real. Especially after saying, "Hey, this is my fear. This is a thing that if it happens, I wouldn't like that.

Courtney Brame (Host): and I had one of my first girlfriends. she had attempted suicide and she left me this cryptic message and I was like, "Something don't feel right about this." So, I made a phone call and later found out that intervention might have been what got them to her in time to be able to save her.  And I think that that is a experience that I call upon or that that comes to mind when I think about saving people. I do get messages from people that are like, I wanted to end my life. I wanted to end it all and now here I am. I found this podcast. I heard this story.

Courtney Brame (Host): you saved me and I've developed an identity around saving people literally saving lives according to what's been said to me. And here I am taking as much accountability as I can and seeing that I'm not going to get that.  And so bringing this all back to what my fear has been this not that the thing about it y'all is once you have encountered the scariest thing that you think can happen to you, the worst thing that you think can happen to you, when you come out on the other side of that what are you scared of? And I'm on the other side of that because I have still been supported.

Courtney Brame (Host): I have still been, just the universe been bringing me the things that I need. All the money that I lost, though. What's crazy is I didn't know how I was going to make it. I think I had all of $3,000 to my name after I moved back home. But when I moved out there, I had down payment for a house. And she don't talk about this. I was looking for houses with this woman, for her mom to be able to live right next to us so we can get the planning on having a family, being a family. I was ready. I filled out the paper I filled out the f****** paperwork for a house. And you telling m********, "I ain't get you anything for your anniversary."

Courtney Brame (Host): for our anniversary despite you not wanting our anniversary on that day. I was so adaptable and what I hate to say this but Red Pill Manosphere stuff has consistently said right women will test you for your integrity. You cannot change and conform the person that you're with. And I said that s***.  I was like, "No, no, that ain't true. That ain't real." And my fear of being looked at as an a*** kept me from being respected in my relationship. So now the disrespect might be happening retroactively online. that's the most disrespectful s*** you can do. I have sent messages to people. my god.

01:00:00

Courtney Brame (Host): like that she's told me to sing because my initial response was not mean enough or wasn't stirred enough. thanks but no thanks should be good enough. all right, cool. It's done. I said no in the way that I've learned to say no based on the career field that we both in. we got the same terminology and knowledge, but I recognize there's so many different

Courtney Brame (Host): differences in how we approach things. She's from the East Coast. I'm heterosexual and I'm a She's a woman. There's cultural black backgrounds, there's so many things there that I've been holding on to. And for my girl Sadelia, shout out to the elders, first peoples of the land.

Courtney Brame (Host): She brought this to my attention and as I feel into my nervous system right now as I'm talking about this it does feel different than when I've tried to talk about it in the past or when I've tried not to talk about it in the past and I felt like no this ain't it. This ain't it. But This feels like one that I can actually

Courtney Brame (Host): publish and post because it is relevant to and I thought I was like, "No, this ain't relevant." "Let me keep that s*** out of here. don't nobody give a f*** about Courtney was kind of the story that I was telling myself." And people come here for herpesy stuff, but that ain't the case. And the numbers reflect it.  But also I need to be responsible for I can't save everybody. But what I can do is transmute stigma into healing the same way all the sun does is turn hydrogen to helium.

Courtney Brame (Host): And in turn, it's created a gravity from its consistency to where planets and moons have aligned themselves accordingly. It's been an appropriate alignment and orbit. So we get sunlight, we get heat, we get gravity, we get an orbit, we get a planet, we get life.  And in that the same way that the sun turns hydrogen to helium, Courtney is turning stigma into healing. And the stigma that I'm turning into healing, it's just this is my job for me to hold that rhythm, for me to hold that truth, for me to hold that intention. I can't let nothing come keep me from doing that.

Courtney Brame (Host): I tried to stop doing that and turn men's emotional wellness into healing or trying to turn what I've learned into men's emotional wellness. That ain't what I do. Imagine if the sun was like, " s***, that person over there is burning. Let me move a little bit so it's not too hot for that person." Whole solar system would be** up. We'd have all these natural disasters trying to orient ourselves to the abrupt change of  the sun for so long just stayed in one place doing what it does. We become dependent on it, And when it moves, the planet's got to move. And now it's got to recalibrate. So we'll see all types of natural disasters. Hell, the planet might float off from the orbit and then bam, just become a big ass floating ball of ice until it finds a new orbit somewhere.

Courtney Brame (Host): Same thing for me. This breakup, my last relationship and then, someone that I saw after It was an integrity test of me being who I am. And this is me taking accountability. I did change.  So, it's important for me that I get back into my groove, get back into my rhythm for Eight years. p I pumped out a weekly podcast episode. And, I let myself be in a position to say to myself, what? Maybe 400 podcast episodes is maybe this is enough. Maybe it's time for me to do something different. I want to start this family.

01:05:00

Courtney Brame (Host): let me do things that make money. That's what I wanted. I really wanted that. It ain't that I wanted to want that s***. I loved the person that I was with. I was loving the person that I was becoming. And I still love them. And that's true. despite, the s*** talk, despite the pain that and the aftermath of the relationship that I experienced, I kept that s*** bottled in until very recently where I just shared I was** depressed. I didn't even know I was depressed. I got stuck. I got stagnant.

Courtney Brame (Host): and nothing. s***. I wasn't able to work. There were a couple of things that were lined up that I had to do. And what else? it hurt me for a while that I lost A tornado took my home. And I know she knew about it. She didn't reach out to me. after everything that I was there for, the way that our relationship ended was not terrible. It was not on bad terms. It put her in an uncomfortable situation. And unfortunately, some people are the kind of people who thrive in discomfort and chaos. And she went from me taking care of everything. I was taking care of her, but

Courtney Brame (Host): she broke up with me and it's not even over anything that I did.  I did what she asked me to do and as soon as throughout the relationship boundaries would come according to your boundaries according to your boundaries and then the one thing like which it felt like leading to hey I don't want you talking to this person no more after I cut off all these other people after I stopped talking to these people I've stepped back from and eliminated a lot of I don't know competition

Courtney Brame (Host): There were people who would have pointed out Hey, Courtney, this might not be healthy. this is the one." No. And now the whole narrative just changed. And even then, I don't know that there was anything that I could have done different or could have done right or even doing what was asked of me was wrong.  And I'm letting go of filter in myself. I always say being in love is always worth the risk of heartbreak. And I got my heart broke. I can name that. And That don't mean that I can't love her. I just

Courtney Brame (Host): I recognize now I can't love her and experience her presence. apparently I don't deserve that no more. And it's okay. my therapist said something I had him say it to me two more times because I wanted to actually receive that. He said, "Your life will not be as prosperous as it is right now she was in it."  had a friend ask me. He was like, "Is your life better right now that she's not in it than when she was in it?" And I hate the answer to that question because It is. But I had fun. me and her had fun. We had a lot of fun together. And we loved each other.

Courtney Brame (Host): And I know despite what she said, there was a lot of healing that took place in that relationship. And I hope that she can remember it because I know one of the things that trauma does is like we block s*** out. And that s***. I'm feeling the arguments. I remember there were times where I had to leave despite, abandonment fears that she had.  And I also remember her coming and being like, "Hey, I was wrong. I apologize." And that made me feel like, closer. let's do this. we doing this. This is what a** relationship is." And that s*** had me hype. I felt like I had superpowers.

01:10:00

Courtney Brame (Host): I felt like I could run two nonprofits, be in yoga therapy school, pay the majority of the bills, still work my genital exams job, still host events and support her in what her endeavors were regardless of what they were. Even long like I supported her through all the things that she wanted to do. my god.  So this is my experience of go. We got to let the f*** go. I got to let of the feeling of needing to be liked by everybody.

Courtney Brame (Host): trying to save everybody and thinking that everybody's going to do the right thing and that I'm going to get accountability. I got to let that s*** go. I'mma be the villain in somebody's story, but I'll be damned if I'm the villain in my own.  and my own insecurities of not being liked or my insecurity of being used. My fear of somebody coming along and presenting me with the Courtney, I like these things, too. we watched anime together. I don't even think she liked that s*** that we was watching now looking at my god, I just feel played.

Courtney Brame (Host): I feel played. And first thing she'll say is, "I didn't ask you to do nothing." You shouldn't have to ask your man to pick up where you're maybe l I don't want to say slacking, but I supported everything she did. And I've gotten because I don't know if it's still happening. I've heard

Courtney Brame (Host): things recently. And I guess that's the plan. I'm not supposed to hear any of this stuff because some of this s*** just ain't the full truth. And I hate that people enable that s***, people grieve in their own way. You don't see me s**** on her. And especially for me being a black man in this field, for nobody to be like, "Hey, this don't look good." And it's  before where somebody I haven't even met said things about me that people I don't know if these people believed it, but I know that it affected I know who did have to reach out to me and ask about it. I don't know who didn't. So my thing is man, if we going to tell the truth, let's tell the whole truth, but I'm not going to get that. And that's what I've learned that I need to let go of.

Courtney Brame (Host): I went to go see her the next day and I told her I was like, "I'm ready." Because I thought what I needed to let go of was my attachment to my home that I lost in the tornado traumatizing event. And what I also thought I needed to let go of was my relationship that I had with my ex. But I had done that. I've let go of her physical body and her emotional attachment into me. the emotional clause or puppetry that manipulated me. But it wasn't until I was able to just say it out loud and have it be witnessed for me to be like, man, f***. If this wasn't emotional manipulation, I don't know what is. And I marketed myself as this emotional wellness practitioner, as somebody that is emotionally intelligent.

Courtney Brame (Host): and I was manipulated. And I also just realized that I didn't complete the thought that I was having earlier as far as the blessings go. So, I'd lost a lot of money in not doing what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to move to New York. I was called to it. I was supposed to be busting my ass here and working and it didn't happen. I moved to New Jersey, spent

Courtney Brame (Host): $6,000 to move into my own place in New Jersey. When I moved to New York just now, I just had to Pay $1,000. And I was paying rent for a place that I was not really at when I was in New Jersey because that's what she want. I think we should live separate for a while. All right, cool. And for us to go on little dates just going out to eat, popups and inviting her I was a good ass boyfriend taking care of the car taking care of the cats. Come on, Courtney. my god. And I'll be damned if I sit over here and let myself grieve and be sad. Somebody called me out the other day. She's like, Courtney, when you going to stop posting all this sad boy s***? I was like, man, listen.

01:15:00

Courtney Brame (Host): the last when I was in Canada, she be there with She was supposed to be there with me. And even when we broke up, she told me She's like, " I'mma make it work." Nope. More of just like telling me s*** that I wanted to hear and the actions not lining up.

Courtney Brame (Host): So yeah, one thing about Courtney is I don't make the same exact mistake twice, but I can't live off verbal promises. And right now I have the healthiest relationships around me. I have the best relationship that I've had with my family.

Courtney Brame (Host): I get to see that modeled in the people who are close to me. And that was one of the things that I thought I was like, damn, I love this woman for these things. I love the relationship that she has with her family. I love that she didn't talk s*** about her ex online, when we got together. I love how she carried herself. that she thought for herself. I love that she was so independently thinking.  I love that she seemed to know who she was and even in those moments of pivots and changing things. I was supportive in that. there were no changes and pivots until I feel like I got there and gave her the freedom to do that. okay, I don't want to do this anymore. I also don't want to do this anymore. I also don't want to do this anymore. To be able to eliminate things.

Courtney Brame (Host): just in the relationship for me I was like okay I don't need to have as many of the partners as I have because I won't have the capacity for and for her it was just like the things that she was doing I loved watching her be passionate I do these events I like watching her cut the music on and make her candles I loved how excited whenever she had a coaching call just watching her thrive like I got compion

Courtney Brame (Host): compersion from them. And I just feel in hindsight, she secretly hated me, And I've had exes who told me, "Hey, I'm jealous that you found the thing that you're supposed to do, and I don't know what mine is." And it's like, let's learn from each other. Let's explore that s***. Everybody ain't built like that's not what everybody wants.  And I'm letting go of that s*** because I got people who need me. And I'm not doing what I do because people need me. I'm doing what I'm doing because this is just what I do. Transforming stigma into healing.

Courtney Brame (Host): And whatever comes out of that, if relationships are born because someone now has learned the stars method of disclosure or they've been able to find statistics that the person they presented to a comfortable enough with and they go on to a relationship and get married and have kids if that's what they want or if they just, want to be with somebody and travel the world together or just have a simple life.  These are the things that can be born out of me transmuting stigma into healing. People to be at a place where they're comfortable enough themselves to be able to Put yourself out there. we're individual atoms looking to form molecules with somebody.

01:20:00

Courtney Brame (Host): And I don't think anybody who's listening to this is not looking to form a relationship with somebody because I mean the stigma piece is about community and how we connect with people because that's what the healing is.  And there's so much of my own insecurities that come from stigma fragmenting myself into these different aspects of future version of self, everything but a present version of me. I've been all these things except that. And I think that that's where that

Courtney Brame (Host): me being depressed came from. Whenever I stop doing something positive for positive people, I recognize that my life there's a lot more resistance there. I burned out fast. I remember when I was doing all these grant applications, I was burning the f*** out because I was trying to be able to get enough money be do to just do the podcast, to be able to host these support groups, to be able to put events on so we can get together in person.  And I feel like even my ex just compromised that how easy it would have been for me to work with certain people to bring things together. And now I got to do this s*** on my own. But it's all right. I'mma be good. That's one thing about me.

Courtney Brame (Host): I ain't never lost my confidence in myself and my ability to start over and my ability to take some type of failure and transmute it into success. I can take a L. This is a big f** L. I moved across the country for this woman and moved closer to her than where I actually was called to be. I need to close this out, but I listen to No More Mr. Nice Guy and I was talking to her about hey, I'm going to start doing these things. I'm going to start setting boundaries. And that's where all hell broke loose. talk Talk about how, you had a problem with me not having boundaries. And then when I start to do the work to address the things that you bringing up to me, this is where you push me away. I got pushed away.

Courtney Brame (Host): And I didn't have language for this s*** until I stepped away and I actually started talking to the people that represent what she didn't want me to be involved with. So My life's good right now. And I felt guilty for how good my life has been. And it's been difficult for me to receive. I have

Courtney Brame (Host): deeper relationships with people that weren't in my life for a while. I'm establishing new connections and relationships with people that have wanted to be closer to me that I just haven't let. And all I can do, man, is just I receive the love and give to people who want to receive it and stop trying to force my love on people who don't want it.

Courtney Brame (Host): stop I'm trying to use the sun analogy again, but trying not to shift my heat in a way that cools somebody else off or try and shift my rotation as the sun so that you can get a little bit more light or if the sun hurts your eyes all right let me get away a little bit so maybe you  don't have too much light so you can see better. The minute the sun start trying to change for one person, individual, whatever, that's when s*** hit the fan. And what I need to be looking for in partners or somebody who's going to be here full time is that kind of support. she told me she hated what I do.

Courtney Brame (Host): the thing that she loved about me the most in the beginning. She's like, "I just love how happy you are." And then at the end of the relationship, telling me " why are you so happy all the time?" " I just you so positive all the time." And it's like, "Dude, I thought this was what you like." It's like I was dating somebody. I remember one of my exes, she asked me something and I did the thing. We talked about it and then she said it again. I remember just I looked her dead in the face. I was like, "Hey," because I have family members with mental health stuff. I was like, " are you bipolar?" Cuz I remember also saying some medication. She just looked like a deer in the headlights. So, why'd you say that? I was just asking. And then that was the end of the conversation. And then shortly after that, we broke up.

01:25:00

Courtney Brame (Host): So, I have done a good job of not bringing my past trauma and experiences in relationships in the future to be bringing up mental health s*** or making any kind of assumptions, but it feels familiar in that it ain't got s*** to do with me. And when we got close, that's when that relationship end. Then the relationship ends.  And as I go through the process of moving on, all hell breaks loose. And now I'm seeing that again again And It scared me that I'm as open and vulnerable about my life on here. So that's why I haven't been sharing my personal experiences. That's why I haven't wanted to share the successes.

Courtney Brame (Host): it's so much easier for me to just share and stay in that negative and stay humble because I felt like if I were to talk about how good my life is, my ex is going to take that s*** and turn it into a YouTube series. She's going to take that s*** and turn it into a post to our mutual shared communities and I'mma just get shitted on.  And whenever we post s***, I get DMs for stuff that I post and it turns into more like deeper intimate conversations where there is the opportunity, I'm sure, for more elaboration or more of a story to be told that probably ain't got s* to do with me again. there would be arguments we have and I'm like, Who are you talking from? are you here with me right now? Are you present with me right now? Are you able to look at me?"

Courtney Brame (Host): I had to tell her, "Look at me. Not whoever planted this seed of trauma in you because I was I don't give a f*** what she say. I was present for that relationship and I loved every f****** part of her and I love intensely." And that's why this breakup hit so hard. And the hardest thing that I had to do was do nothing.  And that's been what talked to her dad. I was like, "Hey, I'm hearing I hate you. I love you. Why aren't you trying? Leave me alone." What do I do?" He told me, he said, "Best thing you can do is leave her alone."

Courtney Brame (Host): I've left her alone since and I've been having to just fight the demons of a demon. What? And he said Vinnie the Butcher got a song. He said I had to slay dragons. I thought I was fighting demons. man, that's what this feels like. My insecurities ain't no f*** demons. These is I'm talking House of  dragons. I'm over I just got brass knuckles. And it ain't me rse It's me verse me. And when I had this spiritual experience, there was a little bit more to it.

Courtney Brame (Host): But just speaking to the letting go process, man, it was my inner child that the story for me, if you've listened to this for a while, that my father's mom, I've heard stories, after she passed that she fought for me to be born because my mom's  parents wanted her to get an abortion. She's 17 and pregnant, rightfully on the table. But hearing that and learning that about myself, I know that it made me feel like I needed to prove that I deserve to be here. And that's why we have something positive for positive people. That's why we have nice guy Courtney.

Courtney Brame (Host): That's why I don't even think I'm like a nice guy. Yes, I am. Textbook, no boundaries, like putting everybody else's needs first. And I've been struggling. I've had people Courtney, What can I do for you? And it has been so vulnerable of me to ask for what I want. But more vulnerable than that has been to say, I don't know. It was not safe for me in my last relationship to not know because

01:30:00

Courtney Brame (Host): And even as a kid, it wasn't safe for me to say, "I don't know." That would get me in trouble. So, I had to find out what the other person what they want to hear, and then make that true. My behaviors, it's like in this book, Psychocybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Moss. He said, "Human beings, the thing that we do is we don't make right or wrong decisions. We make decisions and then we make them right. We follow up the choice with actions."  And what I did. That's what I know to do. And I made a choice to prove my ma Grandma, yeah, I'mma be the best thing that you supported and brought into this world because you loved me when I wasn't here.

Courtney Brame (Host): Patricia Johnson. Her funeral was on my or 13th birthday. Damn, I can't remember. I think she died in So, 10th would have been November 10th in 2000. I got to do this the old fashion. 89 90 91 23 94 56 7 8 9 Yeah. 12th birthday.  My grandmother died her funeral was on my 12th birthday. And I've been holding on to that. I've been holding on to needing to prove her to I will never get to tell my grandmother thank you. and look what I become. And that spiritual experience like my ex even she*** listened. She was so tactical.

Courtney Brame (Host): She got me something representative of my relationship with my grandmother. there were glimpses in there. I don't know who this person is that I'm not in a relationship anymore with. But***, I love her too because that's what you do. When you love somebody, you f**** love them. And it's unconditional. My love don't come with conditions.  My love will come more with presence. And when s*** start getting unhealthy, it will come with absence. And that's not manipulative to your abandonment issues. But there have been times where I had to do that. I had to reward behaviors with my absence. And it was in those moments that I got accounted.

Courtney Brame (Host): But I'll never forget her for getting that gift from me. And I think one of the straws that broke the camel's back for that recognition that I was depressed was when I went back to my house after the tornado and I couldn't go in to find that** Pokemon card that my ex got me. That was what the last memory that I had of my grandmother. She got me that. I don't know what she had to do to get it. I don't care what she had to do to get it, but she got that*** for me. And that was so heartfelt for me. even now, my eyes watering as I think about that. Like that that's who I was in a relationship with for most of the relationship.

Courtney Brame (Host): And there were just seemingly episodes of this intense dysregulation and identity change or identity confusion, but I was there for all of it. And I would have been there for the rest of my life for it because when I make a** choice, that's what I do.  So wish her but I got to let go for that my own inner child. And Sadelia gave me a feather. she said that, this just fell from the box. She looked at it, she's like, I'll leave it here.

Courtney Brame (Host): She didn't know when I showed back up. She didn't expect me. She was like, what? I know why this fell Take this eagle feather. Take it everywhere with you. Let it be a reminder of your inner child. that little boy that needed to prove that he deserve to be here. That little boy that had to even be his mom's emotional boyfriend.

Courtney Brame (Host): that little boy that was protected by his grandmother. that's who I'm here for. And that little boy has been unseen for so long because I wanted to be needless. I painted myself as a f*** target for anybody who wanted somebody that was emotionally something vulnerable. I guess I made myself a* target.  the way that I talked about myself. And now I think that I have a lot more self-awareness and knowledge of who I am as a person to be able to go back to that little boy. not me at 12 who's my grandma's funeral was on my 12th birthday. Maybe even younger than that.

01:35:00

Courtney Brame (Host): But I think I've been stuck and damn my grandma fought for me to be here. let me pay her back. My buddy AJ I told him I was like we going on a trip and I offered to pay for something that we're doing at the trip and he was like man you ain't got to do that. He was like and I just came out and told him I was like yo I got an insecurity. Let me go ahead and name this.  I recognize that I don't feel like I can always contribute because I have great friends. I got friends that are doing very well for themselves financially, spiritually, mentally, physically doing very well. And sometimes I don't feel like I can contribute enough, we'll go out,****** be buying drinks out the ass.

Courtney Brame (Host): And my strategy is when we go out, I get the first round or when it's like a few of us, I do that. And yeah, I just said it. I was like, man, I just feel like when I can contribute, I want to. He was like, man, look, I can do that. Can't nobody else be And that's what I'm here for.

Courtney Brame (Host): and that s***. I just felt that I got some good ass friends, Buddy Carl, I talked to him the other day and he asked me, why do it sounded initially like somebody could interpret it as, being judgmental, but he was like, why do you date multiple women? Why do you have multiple relationships? I was they just treat me these are healthy relationships. I'm supported. I'm challenged. And I'm celebrated by these people. I'm loved by these people. There's intimacy there. I ain't out here just catching bodies. I want intimacy. And he was like, "There you go." I was expect I don't know what I was expecting. He's talking to me. He was telling me some advice that he had gotten from somebody.

Courtney Brame (Host): And he was like, "People like me and him who grew up the way we grew up and turned out the way we turned out." it's hard for people to just unconditionally love us for anything other than what we do. I'm surrounded by people they can give two f**** about what I do. It's who I am. And I can't put that into the words. I can only put that in the energy. And when I went to that healing thing and that lady was like, " you holding on to*. You got to let that s*** go.

Courtney Brame (Host): for me to have been as heavy as I was unconsciously with no awareness for the people who were in my life during that depressive state when I first moved back home when I was at home for those two months after I lost my crib to the tornado. that's who was there for me. I was at the heaviest that I've ever been emotionally and energetically.

Courtney Brame (Host): I can't imagine what kind of weight I was putting on these people. And They supported They still created a safe space me to not be present. For me to say, I don't know. You asked me, what you ain't with that girl? I don't f****** know. I'm confused because what I was presented with  That's not what stuck. And people ask me " Courtney, I don't think you" I am over the relationship. I understand we not getting back together. And There is grief of just the confusion. there's a desire for accountability.

Courtney Brame (Host): There's a desire for me to fix. I want to see her And I got to let go of wanting to see her at all. that's hard. All right. The relationship's over. I let that go. But my friend, that was my And I got to stop saying that now too.  But somebody told me car said He was like, "You wanted her to be your friend. That's what you wanted her to be. Some people ain't ready to be what we want them to be, and that's okay." And in her mind, I wasn't ready to be what she wanted me to be, but I showed up as I showed up and I I put effort into becoming what was asked of me.

01:40:00

Courtney Brame (Host): And it just sucks that, the two people in the relationship that saw everything. That's not what's being expressed. And I'm dealing with consequences of her breaking up with me. ain't no consequences to that. But there's consequences to me being broken up of people clearly** treating me differently.  I don't like that. And that's the thing that I got to just let go. And I hope that whoever's listening to this, if you're able to tie this to herpes in some way or even like the grief relationship thing, like this this is me being as real as I possibly How long has it been? It's been an hour and a half, man.

Courtney Brame (Host): I started this at 3:40 in the morning and it's 5:15. I got to get up in two hours, y'all. let me bring this to a close. the purpose of this podcast was for me to come on and just be like, "Hey, it's not getting back to it's expressing that fear of somebody like be vulnerable, hearing me share my experiences and think to themselves, if I want him or if I want something from him, all I got to do is this and I'll get it." I Please don't do that to me. I'm vulnerable.

Courtney Brame (Host): I think I'm in a good place where I have a solid support system around me to where, I got accountability and a team of people that ain't going to just let that happen. So, I feel good in that. But I just got to name that. I've been scared, I've been acting from a place of fear that if I do share what's really going on with me, it'll be bad. If it's not sad, to be sad.  I'm supposed to be hurt because this is who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And I don't know if she still checks in on me and sees things. the person that I've known her to be, she would. But also if she's moved on then she cutting off all ties and there are no feelings for anything anybody else and that's what she focused on. So with that being the case, maybe not.

Courtney Brame (Host): So, she might never hear this. or she might. I can't give a f***. I got to let go. And also got to be mindful, too, of anybody that I might work with in the future, this is me being who I am.  And if you don't want to work with me because of me being who I am and me sharing what my truth is and being relatable to the community, that's what makes something positive so great is the community piece and how relatable I am and I think that being in the relationship that I was in made me cut myself off from being relatable. If I came here and talked about what was happening in the relationship, maybe that would have been like a cry out that there was something going on.

Courtney Brame (Host): But I'm out of it and I'm seeing my therapist. I'm talking to my friends. I'm experiencing healthy relationship dynamics. And I'm stable. I'm in a home. I'm not displaced. I'm I go to work in two hours. So life's Things are good. I'm socialized. And I went to a play party on Sunday and it was tight. It was cool.  I just went and talked to people and made friends. I was there for a few hours and got to hear some people getting their cheeks clapped and it was nice. It was just a pleasant experience.

Courtney Brame (Host): We talking about how play parties are so cool because you can be talking politics and in the same conversation like you look over you might see people having sex but it's been nice to be able to settle into doing the things that I guess I just got away from but again I pictured this person doing these things with me because this is who they presented themselves to be.

01:45:00

Courtney Brame (Host): I don't think I've ever not been consistent in who I am until I started trying to change. And those changes weren't for me. I thought they were for the best. I thought they were for me, but they were for her. And with somebody who don't know who they are, and you trying to find an identity around that, you lose who you are. I've known who I was. And I don't want to drift away from that anymore.  So what I do and this is who I am. I'm Courtney Warren m************ brain. I'm the founder, executive director, podcast host of something positive for positive people. I teach medical students to get genital exams. I teach health professionals, public health, sexual health, and educators about herpes stigma. And I'm sticking with that.

Courtney Brame (Host): if people want to bring me in to do more like I got invited to do a talk on herpes and STI for youth sexuality educators. It's something I would have normally brought my ex in for. I got to let that go. and also I recognize my strong points. I'm talking about the herpes piece and I'm bringing somebody in to talk about the sexuality the STI. that's just how we do things.  I'm adaptable and that's it. So yeah, I am sharing more personal stuff now moving forward. the professional stuff, the podcast ain't for that. The podcast is for me to connect with the community. it's a fundraising tool. So if y'all feel like things resonate and y'all want to make a donation, I highly encourage it because I ain't been able to pay myself this year.

Courtney Brame (Host): to date. I have not paid myself through something positive for positive people and I'm supposed to do that. My board members gonna be mad at me. We ain't had a board meeting I think since March or April. So I got to play catchup just because life been life and I mentioned some deaths my great-grandmother being in the hospital tornado breakup and processing that and moving.  These have all been really big life changes and just stars like this is how stars are born from pressure, heat and friction. And that's what has been happening for me and coming through the other side of that. the depression is like the stillness, nothing happening. Getting out of the depression. That's the pressure, the friction and the heat because that's where you got to feel things.

Courtney Brame (Host): That's where you got to do some work. You got to listen to yourself. You got to do some hard stuff to get out of depression. And I'm grateful to have had that experience now because now I can speak to it. I wasn't able to speak to depression before. It was something I couldn't relate to. I didn't have the privilege of being able to not get out of bed in the morning, of not being able to go to work, of not being creative or being able to produce anything or being stuck with just  I did the bare minimum. I got up, I would go to the gym, I drink my water, I'd cook and eat my food. And then that was all I had the energy for. And I wasn't creating work opportunities for myself. So I did what I had to do, what I could do. That's what I I did what I could do. I can't even say it was what I had to do. I did what I could. And that was the best I had.

Courtney Brame (Host): It feels really good to release this from myself. I welcome any, feedback if this is something that's been relatable to you. Feel free to you can email me, if you follow me on Instagram. however you want to connect. but yeah, this feels vulnerable. I'm gonna do some things to take care of myself. so I can get through the day and you can expect more of this. I don't want to talk about my ex anymore. I don't want to talk about the relationship anymore.

Courtney Brame (Host): if things come up conversationally, I'll speak about my past experiences. But I think that what I needed to let go of was anything I said warranting any sort of conflict combating or attack or like I said, being turned into content or made into some type of f** YouTube series or something. And I'm over that. I'm passive fear. I'm done being scared.  and I'm dumping, somebody that I can admit I feel emotionally manipulated. I can admit that I have an insecurity around being liked by everybody. I have an insecurity around proving that I deserve to be here. I have an insecurity about wanting to save everybody and wanting accountability. And also I wasn't the only problem in the relationship. I give the relationship a 93%.

01:50:00

Courtney Brame (Host): the other seven. It's not mine. And I can't be there. I'm not gonna be the one to say, "Hey, I saw these things. Here's what I suggest. let's do these things." It's not on me anymore. And there's a weight off of me for that. And I love her. I always will. I ain't gonna stop loving that girl. I don't give a f*** what she said about me. we shared an orbit together.  We formed a molecule together and the molecule split and I just brought her in way too fast. I didn't see consistency in behavior. I just listened to the words and then when the actions and words wasn't aligning, I was given a promise of, hey, they will align if you just fix this thing. If you just change who you are, then what I say will become what I do.

Courtney Brame (Host): And then at that point it would become irrelevant because then I'll become somebody else. So more of that. I've known who I have been for a long time. I'm saying no to s*** that don't align and I'm saying yes to the s*** that does. So I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. busting my ass, working for y'all, and again, just transmuting stigma into healing because That's what this means to me. This to me. This is my purpose is what you have to do. Passion is what you want to do. And It's a choice. And it's also like a soul calling.

Courtney Brame (Host): I feel it in my nervous system when things I talk about the forward response, that feeling you get in fight or flight. There's another action you can take from a place of choice, which is taking the energy and Move forward with that energy in a way that you choose to. That's not just an unconscious thing. So, go of all that s***.  I'm letting go of my insecurities and blessing this space now in a way that I believe allows for other people to experience their healing. Yeah. Yeah. we touched the mic. I want to hear what you letting go of. Yeah. How about that?

Courtney Brame (Host): tell me what it is that you're letting go of. All right. So, with all that said, virtual support groups, Monday nights, 7:30 p.m. Eastern time. the first Monday of every month is everybody group. The second Monday of the month is a men's herpes support group. the third and fourth Monday. These are going to be ones where you have to donate to attend. the free ones are open to everybody and I think that what I need to do is to be able to consistently deliver greater quality of a qualitybased support where we can talk and cover, everything for everybody.

Courtney Brame (Host): the questions that they have or the support that they want. So, those two at the end of the month, these are going to be paid. So, you're either a regular donor and you giving something or you can drop in and make a donation. But, these will be ones where people got to be vetted for. because what happens sometimes is with the free support groups, people come one time, they dump their s***, and then you never hear from them again.  So I want to protect the space in a way that feels good for everybody. So if you listen to me interview people on the podcast, I mean that's basically what you get out of the support group is just the sharing, the reciprocity and the curiosity of experiences like we just go back and forth sharing that and talking to each other. All right. and then what else is there?

Courtney Brame (Host): Yeah, if you go to the events tab on the site, you'll see that there's some upcoming stuff virtually and in person. I'll be at Sex Down South September 4th through 7th. I'm hosting a herpes hangout where we get to just shoot the s* about herpes and have a discussion.  It's a long block. So, I'll try and break it up in a way that people are able to make it to other things that they might want to attend, but also still be able to get a good quality amount of time from something positive for positive people. and the community when we get to Sex Down South, it'll be Saturday morning. I think it started at 8:45. I was like, damn, you giving me the whole morning block, ain't you? But shout out to Mara.

01:55:00

Courtney Brame (Host): Shout out to Tia from Sex Down South for letting me have that space. I really appreciate that being able to facilitate that. and then I have the Midwest Love Fest in Indianapolis November 7th through 9th, the day before My birthday's on the 10th. I'll be doing the same thing. Hope to sing a herpes hangout. There's going to be workshops.  It's going to be good opportunity to meet people, socialize, and you might meet somebody and fall in love or something. So, come through if you can. yeah, I'm picking up some hobbies. I'm going to a zuk class tonight as in the time of this recording, going to a zuk class, which is some type of a dance. I got to do more research on it before I get there because I don't want to be one of them appropriating ass m************.

Courtney Brame (Host): and then, I'm back in my yoga. I'm connecting with and networking with people who apparently don't hate me in the sex education field. and life is good on the other side of that depressive state that I was in. I don't want to let that happen no more. I ain't kicking my anchors to the curb no more.  And I'm just appreciative of the people around me. I ain't got to name them. If you listening, who you are. And I just appreciate your consistency in my life and ongoing support, challenge, and celebration.

Episode ended after 01:57:11