SPFPP 379: Dating with Herpes - Should you Only Date People with the Same Type?

Should you only date someone who has the same type of herpes as you? I don’t know, maybe. What if we challenge this idea that our options are limited to being with someone who, if the relationship ends, there won’t be any feelings of guilt for passing your type to them, or even the fear of them passing their type to you. What if a person likes us more than they don’t want to contract herpes? Have you thought about that?

I get passionate about this topic because I’ll hear people stay in harmful, unhealthy, abusive, or just non-reciprocal relationships with someone because they just have the same type of herpes. Rejection is challenging to deal with for sure, but we reject ourselves sometimes far sooner than we’d ever give someone else the opportunity to. I see this as one more self rejection at the expense of experiencing it from an external party.

In SPFPP Episode 33: Ask a Doctor About Herpes our Doctor guest explains the difference between HSV1 and HSV2 that no one likes to talk about and that’s that they are treated by the same medication, present the same symptoms, and that one is associated with sex while the other isn’t. While both are passed through sensual contact, people just do not want to associate an STI with children and that’s the only difference. We place a stigma on herpes type 2 because it is primarily associated with sex and often diagnosed genitally. We are seeing more cases of herpes type 1 genitally on the rise, which historically has been primarily associated with oral sex.

I hope you’ll listen to this with open ears and get the experience you need to navigate your reasoning for asking this question because there is far more relevant stuff to consider than just “does this person have the same type as me?”.

Episode 379 Transcript

The Fear of Intimacy and Seeking the "Same Type"

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a nonprofit organization that supports people navigating herpes stigma. Uh July 21st, we have our Stars Talk with Dr. Evelyn Dacker. This is going to be virtual at 8:30 p.m. Eastern time. We got about 20 people registered. Uh this is not a free event. It's calling for like at least, a little donation of some sort so you can get access to it. But um it'll be great and it's a wonderful tool for navigating relationships, dating and disclosure if you're somebody who needs that. Even if you're in a relationship, it's good for you to be able to take that and utilize it for check-in purposes with partners and just re-evaluate what your desires are in a relationship.

00:01:59 Courtney Brame: I think that over time we grow, evolve, change and become different versions of ourselves that sometimes we can feel invalidated if the other person is not noticing that or able to support that as well. So, it's a really good tool for conscious relationships. All right, but today I have a guest with me today. I'm picking the dust off. I haven't been doing these interviews as consistently as I normally do. Um, and when we were talking earlier, what made me want to do this was as you were speaking about like not I don't want to use the wrong language, but what you were talking about was avoiding intimacy in a way or just not being intimate right now. And I recognized a pattern. We had our men's group last night and we had someone come in and he was talking about avoiding intimacy as well. And he spoke very logically about his diagnosis that he'd only date someone who also had uh his type of herpes.

00:03:08 Courtney Brame: And that was often what he would lead with. And what I was learning in that conversation is just how difficult it is to connect when everything is so like systematic, yes, no, black and white of his case, do you have my type of herpes? If no, we're done. And then your case, you just said, I'm avoiding intimacy right now because

Guest: uh yeah, I can elaborate. Um I'm literally about three months in. I still don't know what type I have. A lot of people say it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. Uh when I tested it was too early, so I'll test again eventually. It's just that I suppose it's a me thing more than anything else. This was something I never thought I would get and then I did and it was a lot to take in. And I started trying to educate myself because I only knew the basics. I didn't think that people who had herpes were dirty or anything like that.

00:04:10 Guest: I just thought, well, they've had some bad luck. Uh, however, though I have read, I would say I have spent hours and hours reading, I have a fear, which perhaps is irrational, of passing it on unknowingly during my my potential, not potential, during my asymptomatic shedding phases, which I will never know about because that's how it goes. Um, and I since It's so recent my reason for staying away from intimacy and what intimacy will lead to which is sex because I'm a sexual person was- am- would like to be. Um yeah that's basically it right now. I'm just I would like to settle for about at least six months to see how everything goes with my body. I mean like how often it might pop up and what my triggers are cuz I still don't know.

Herpes as a Catalyst for Self-Care

Courtney Brame: Mhm. And with getting herpes, let me ask you this. Where are you located? Guest: In Spain. Courtney Brame: All right. And is this where- Well, you said three months.

00:05:22 Courtney Brame: Have you been there the whole time?

Guest: I've been here for 10 years.

Courtney Brame: Yeah. From where?

Guest: From Trinidad and Tobago.

Courtney Brame: Where is that at? I'm not…

Guest: It's in the Caribbean. It's two islands. one little country right above Venezuela or if you're starting at the top of the archipelago. We are the last two islands in the Caribbean archipelago. Courtney Brame: Okay. I was trying to figure out the accent. I could not figure out.

Guest: I mean, my accent right now is not my authentic accent. I'm not going to lie because when I'm speaking to people who are not from the Caribbean, my accent automatically changes. Plus, I'm a teacher, so I guess this is my teaching voice.

Courtney Brame: I got you. Yeah. All right. Now, I'm the kind of person who thinks that herpes has given me a lot. It's given me a sense of purpose.

00:06:11 Courtney Brame: It's given me confidence. It's given me bravery. It's given me community. It's given an outlet for expressing parts of myself that historically maybe have not had outlets like creativity, curiosity, um, community even. And I feel like I've gotten so much out of this. And I'm hearing you say that you're depriving yourself of intimacy and it feels like herpes has taken something that you carry a lot of or that holds a lot of weight for you. Can you speak about that?

Guest: I Yes, I would say that you are probably right cuz I have always loved being intimate and I'm- I would say I'm an extremely sexual person. Um it's just that it's made me a little uncomfortable right now with myself. Uh I would say you are right. Um I am now much more careful with myself, you know, in terms of uh stress unless it's something I can't control. Uh I've started taking care of my diet better. My life is healthier.

00:07:23 Guest: And every day I I think about it and I say, "Hey, technically this has been a good thing because I'm healthier than I was before." So in terms of that, I look at the positive side. I would say I'm just I'm just scared regarding sex at the moment. I'm still scared to venture into that because I don't understand my new body. I'm not going to say my afflicted body or anything. I don't understand my new body yet. And I would like to understand myself first before I go in any direction whether intimate or sexual. That's my current take on it.

Courtney Brame: Okay. Uh I have two questions and I want to make sure to get answers for both. You didn't just say you're a sexual person. I hear people say “I'm a very sexual person”, but you said I'm an extremely sexual person. What does that mean for you?

Guest: I love sex.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

Reclaiming Pleasure Beyond the Genitals

00:08:19 Courtney Brame: Now, okay. Now, sex in the sense of like if you love sex and you're an extremely sexual person, why… and I guess like the caution of having herpes and the fear of passing it on to someone, why does that limit your identity as an extremely sexual person?

Guest: Um, I think I think it's just simply that. I mean, as far as I can analyze myself right now, uh I like I said before, I don't I don't know my triggers very well. And it's, it's the fear, like I said, perhaps it's perhaps it's irrational. Uh but it is that fear of perhaps passing it on even when someone has informed consent. You know, it's always a possibility.

Courtney Brame: Yeah. But while you're okay, here's where I'm going with this. So, sharing my experience, sex has tremendously evolved for me beyond just where my genitals make contact with someone else's genitals. And I too when I was diagnosed believed that there would be no more sex, there would be no more pleasure.

00:09:39 Courtney Brame: And that was what I was locked into. But what I've found over the years through various experiences of learning my body is that I've been able to experience sexual pleasure, sensual pleasure in ways that extend beyond where herpes can present itself. So on the shaft of my penis where I had my initial outbreak and where it is covered by the condom, that doesn't mean that the surrounding areas, that doesn't mean like there's a little spot on my knee or like my neck thing. Doing things there is going to put anyone at quote risk of herpes. And I'm wondering, are you depriving yourself of pleasure outside of just your genital area because of this virus?

Guest: Uh, no. I did venture once or twice. I haven't cut like, you know, I mean, when I say sex, I'm talking penetrative sex and oral sex. Um, I did venture, but I- I did invent. I'm not going to lie. Before it got any further, I made up an excuse so I could go home.

00:10:47 Courtney Brame: What if this person What if this person also had herpes?

Guest: I don't think he does. He's an on and off long time He's an on and off long time uh lover of mine.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

Guest: Who I recently got back in touch with.

Courtney Brame: Oh, okay. So, you haven't talked to him about this yet.

Guest: No, not yet. Because he doesn't live here.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

Guest: And we had just gone out for a talk. We ended up, you know, it always ends up the same way. Uh, and before, before it could go any further, him asking me to go to his place or whatever, I just made up an excuse and he was leaving the next day. So…

Courtney Brame: Ah, okay. But I imagine if you didn't have herpes, would you have gone through with it?

Guest: Yeah, cuz that's what we used to do.

Courtney Brame: Well, okay. So, if herpes perhaps is supporting you in breaking a pattern, right, are you glad that you didn't do it?

00:11:43 Guest: Yeah, because now I would say I'm gonna be a lot more selective.

Courtney Brame: Yeah,

Guest: I'm not just gonna scratch an itch for the sake of scratching it, you know, cuz honestly that's what I used to do.

Courtney Brame : And up until months ago when you got your diagnosis

Guest: … up until I got my first uh flare up, which is when I obviously realized that I had it.

Courtney Brame: Yeah. Yeah. Is there any connection to what was happening around that time of your life when you had the outbreak?

Guest: What, What do you mean exactly?

Courtney Brame: Just like was there because it's typically triggered by stress or…

Guest: Yeah. Well, I personally think because of how bad it was and also I've had two previous partners who had oral herpes. I didn't care about it. They didn't care about it. Over here in Europe, they don't care about it. Even the genital one, they don't really care. Um, and I was with both of those people at different times for years on end and they had a couple sores here and there.

00:12:58 Guest: We just abstained uh until it was completely gone. And as far as I know, I never got anything. I am almost 100% sure that I know who gave it to me and the symptoms occurred about 48 hours after exposure.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

Guest: It was a new partner. I was a few months out of a long-term relationship and that's what happened.

Courtney Brame: Mhm. Did you Did this person disclose to you that they had it?

Guest: He- well when I know- no because he… when it happened and he messaged because I had gone quiet because I was trying to deal with it because it was a really really really bad first outbreak. The ones that you read about and everybody says yeah the first one's the worst and then it gets better which is which has been true for me. But yeah he messaged and I said “oh you know I'm having a herpes outbreak. I'm at home, I'm in a lot of pain. Uh, sorry I'm not in any kind of head space to talk to you right now.

00:13:59 Guest: Uh, because I'm gonna be honest. Uh, either I've had it for a really long time, which I doubt cuz I did a test and it was undetectable, uh, in my blood. So, I think it was you and you're asymptomatic. I said it outright. I said, "I think it was you." And he just said, "Well, I've never had herpes, so uh, feel better." That was that, that was it. No, no sort of, oh my god, I'm going to go get tested. Let me see. No, just Well, I've never had herpes, so that was…

Courtney Brame: How did you meet this man?

Guest: Through a good friend of mine. That's why he wasn't just a random guy. I met him through a good friend and he seemed really nice to be honest. Very interesting man, very talented, very artistic.

Courtney Brame: Oh, okay.

Guest: Uh because I was ready to blame dating apps and that was not the case.

Repression, Depression, and the "Elephant in the Room"

00:14:57 Courtney Brame: So with uh the second question that I wanted to ask you, um, because the first one was about what extremely sexual meant and my followup with what you saying was oh um I guess in the way that you're dating you said you got out of a long-term relationship. Uh are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking to- right now?

Guest: I would say no. Cuz I think in combination with me getting herpes and coming out of that last relationship, um I would say I'm a little emotionally rung out cuz I was repressed and depressed in that relationship and I had wanted out for a really long time. Like I said, I would say I have a very high sex drive in general. Um things were good when we met, but it quickly tapered down. You know, people often talk about sexual uh frequency fizzling out after a few years of being in a relationship. Not for everyone, but you know, it's pretty common.

00:16:08 Guest: But no, ours fizzled out less than a year into the official relationship cuz he also, you know, and it ended up making me kind of close myself off to him. And I think I was very depressed and repressing myself a whole lot. And when we-

Courtney Brame: I was going to ask what caused that? What caused the depression and repression? Was it him? Was it him?

Guest: It was all him. He just, he lost interest. I was getting rejected. He also had a period of really bad anxiety and that decreased his libido completely, which I understand that can happen to anyone. Yeah. But he just let it stay at that level. Even when he recovered, he didn't try to let me know that he was ready. Now, you could also blame me. Uh but after getting rejected several times, I stopped trying cuz it made me feel terrible. And then we just kind of swept it under the rug.

00:17:10 Guest: And it was for me it was always the elephant in the room. Especially if we watched any TV with a sex scene in it. My mind would immediately go to, oh my god, I hope he's not thinking about the fact that we never have sex. (laughs)

Courtney Brame: What- What made your mind go there? Like, why did you think that?

Guest: Well, if me and him would watch uh any TV, film, series, whatever, uh and there would be a sex scene, it just that's just where my mind went. Uh thinking that, oh, well, we don't do that anymore. I wonder if he's thinking about the same thing.

Courtney Brame: So, it wasn't I wonder if he's thinking about it so that he initiates with you because you want to have sex with your partner. It was “I don't want to have sex with him and I hope that he's not getting turned on”

Guest: after after the se the prolonged rejection and then him never bringing it back up and subsequently and consequently me never bringing it back up again cuz it turned into this kind of shameful thing for me and I was embarrassed about it and I didn't feel sexually adequate and then I started losing uh attraction for him and I didn't love him in anymore the same

00:18:24 Guest way. Uh and then I kind of just stayed in the relationship out of comfort and it finally ended.

Courtney Brame: What ended it? Who ended it?

Guest: He did why (laughs) - like I was there. My friends have been telling me for a year and a half, Jhivan, you need to need to leave. You need to leave. you know, um because you're not happy every time we see you together. You guys are not right for each other. He doesn't treat you well. Look at what he's doing to your- your libido. And I just stayed cuz it was easier to stay.

Courtney Brame: Yeah.

Guest: The reason he broke up with me, I prefer not to talk about it because honestly, it doesn't cast a good light on his character. Let's just say it was not a very uh logical reason in my opinion and in the opinion of my friends.

Courtney Brame: Okay. When we look at libido in relationships, I know that we can have such a super high libido and attraction and chemical reaction to someone that is not good for us and stay in the relationship.

00:19:33 Courtney Brame: or we can have no libido at all for somebody who's not good for us and still stay in the relationship because it's easy and there's no formula. These are just two extremes. Like I'm so turned on by this person. They're not good for me, but I'm staying. The sex is good. There was no sex and you stayed. So what were the benefits to you of staying in the relationship?

Guest: Comfort. Comfort. Um, being with him made my life easier in several ways. And it was nice having a person just for me, you know. It's it's that companionship factor. You have someone to spend the weekends with, someone to travel with, someone to be silly with occasionally. Um, that kind of thing. He wasn't a horrible person. Not all the time. I mean, we did, we did a lot of fun stuff together. We- we took a lot of a lot of trips.

00:20:27 Guest: He showed me parts of Spain that I'd never been able to visit before simply because I don't drive here. I don't, I don't have a necessity to drive. So, I never got my license. Uh but he has a car and you know, we, we did all these things. We even went on a week-long road trip in the south with my dad last year. But um yeah, he just thought eventually that our -I suppose values in some way didn't align or our future plans didn't align very well and that's why he ended things.

Courtney Brame: Oh well, good for you, right? How long ago?

Guest: I would say good for me. I'm not- I was relieved when it happened. Yeah. To be honest,

Courtney Brame: how long ago did it end?

Guest: January of this year. And then I kind of I kind of went crazy.

Courtney Brame: What? Do you want to talk? Yeah.

The Post-Breakup Phase and Navigating Sexual Health

00:21:23 Guest: I kind of went crazy and then I got herpes in April.

Courtney Brame: Do you- you want to talk about the crazy phase? You want

Guest: Yeah, I don't mind.

Courtney Brame: Yeah. What did that look like for you? What is- What does it mean to go crazy?

Guest: Let's see. The timeline is kind of fuzzy. I do have a a kind of diary journal where I jot things down or I think I kept to myself for about a month and a half and then sometime in March I did jump on a -a dating app again and I somehow found myself with a bunch of this -sounds so bad. I found myself as a cougar, as a cougar or with a cougar. I became a cougar.

Courtney Brame: What? What? The age range for cougar was

Guest: Yeah. The… I am… I'm not as young as I look. I'm 36.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

00:22:17 Guest: And I ended up with some younger men. They weren't little boys. They were just, you know, younger men like 10, 11 year age gaps.

Courtney Brame: I got you. I got you.

Guest: Uh it was a lot of fun until I met that guy through my friend. Um and then

Courtney Brame: how old was he?

Guest: I- he's a couple years older than I am. I think he's

Courtney Brame:Okay. Okay. Okay.

Guest: He was the first one I met my age. You know, he was mature. He had his life together. Um, his job was incredibly interesting. Like I said, fascinating person. Really liked spending time with him and vibing with him.

Courtney Brame: Yeah.

Guest: Um, but before I met him, I was on Tinder and Bumble again and I ended up with a few younger guys.

Courtney Brame: Yeah. And so when it's funny that like that was fun for you being able to hook up with the much younger guys and then

Guest: Yeah, I've never done that before.

00:23:18 Courtney Brame: when you did what you were quote supposed to do or something that was like more in your realm, right, of someone around your age range, that's where you got herpes from. Someone who should be more mature or know better, right? Wow. Did you find … I was going to say, did you find that… Well, were there conversations with people about sexual health? And if so, what did those look like?

Guest: Honestly, with the younger guys, yes.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

Guest: With them being the ones… we did not talk about it.

Courtney Brame: Who led those conversations? Was it them or you?

Guest: It's always me because here in Europe, people don't seem to care very much about sexual health and getting tested. When I lived in the Caribbean and I became sexually active, I was getting tested twice a year because, you know, you, when you grow up in the Caribbean, they instill, at least, I don't know if it's still happening now, but I'm a ' 90s kid.

00:24:13 Guest: We were- the, the- fear of HIV/AIDS was drilled into us from a very young age and I grew up terrified of STDs. So when I started becoming sexually active, yes, I went and I tested myself every six months. Religiously. And then when I came to Spain, I came to Spain with a boyfriend from Trinidad. This was 10 years ago. I broke up with him after less- maybe eight months into my first year. And I didn't start sleeping with Spanish men until 2017, I would say. And I decided, well, hey, I am having multiple partners again. I need to get tested every so often. I was doing it once a year or when I had a scare because these guys up here, man, like they, like I said, they don't care. They have a lot of bacterial STI and I got a bunch of infections from people, not bad ones, but just like BV and stuff like that from men, different types of BV and my doctor said, "Jhivan, you are engaging in dangerous behavior. Why are you coming to get tested so often?" And I said,

00:25:22 Guest: "But this is not often. This is normal for me to come and get tested because I don't- I know my status but these guys they- they all say they're fine and they have nothing to back it up. So that's the um that's the- what did I just say? That's the attitude up here.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

Guest: They think getting a regular blood panel as in checking your health in general is good enough. Not actually getting an STD panel.

Courtney Brame: Yeah. When you would initiate these conversations with them, how do you initiate these with the people that you're dating? Like in a dating sense, what- what do you do? What do you say?

Guest: I would I just come straight out be like, "Hey”, so if it's somebody serious, like I'm getting serious about someone before I realize that it's going to get physical, I would just come right on and say, "Hey, uh, so I know my status because I got tested x amount of time ago.

00:26:20 Guest: Uh, what about you?" And then the conversation would go from there.

Courtney Brame: Okay. And do you find that these men were being tested more frequently or did you have to encourage them to go get tested or what?

Guest: It's like I said once they don't have any physical symptoms of anything concerning, they all say, "I'm fine. I've never had anything or I've never seen anything on myself."

Courtney Brame: Yeah.

Guest: That's it. in their eyes once they don't have physical symptoms, they've never had an STD or STI.

Courtney Brame: All right. And you always say too that the most common symptom for an STI is no symptom at all.

Guest: Exactly.

Courtney Brame:Is to in fact go get tested. And uh, I was just curious about the culture on your side of the country because I don't think I really got to dive deep into that kind of conversation with anybody. Um, you mentioned when we were messaging one another that you're wanting to not necessarily take antivirals, but just see what your body does with the virus on your own.

Suppressive Therapy and Healthcare Access

00:27:28 Courtney Brame: And how has that been working for you?

Guest:Well, it was literally only three months, four days ago. Uh, I did get a second flare. Um, let's see when that was exactly. I would say that happened or I noticed it the 9th of the 29th of June. Yep. I went I had a shower, noticed a little pain and I looked at myself and I said, "Oh, hello. There we go again." But… and it was less than three months later and I thought, "Damn it, I didn't even make the three month mark." But um I just immediately, I went to the doctor the next day. I said, "Hey, I need antivirals." She prescribed me for 10 days and it went away quite quickly. Uh I didn't even get any ulcers. It was amazing. Like they were there. They got a bit inflamed. It looked pretty ugly for a little while, but no ulcers whatsoever. And it went away quite quickly.

00:28:32 Guest: Perfect. A bit of itching, hardly any pain. I was like, "This is what the second one is like.

Courtney Brame: Yeah,

Guest: this ain't s***.

Courtney Brame: So, you did take the antivirals.

Guest: Yes. What I said before is that a lot of people, even my friends back at home, uh not though anybody here in Spain because that's not the culture in Europe generally, but anybody in the US or in the Caribbean, they keep asking me about the possibility of suppressive therapy where you take antivirals daily for a really long time to suppress the virus in your system. I cannot do that because it's not medically available here and we don't have systems in the US where you can pay for a prescription online -like an online doctor and then you get meds delivered to your house. That is not legal in Europe and it's not going to happen ever. And I cannot get those meds without a written prescription from a doctor.

Courtney Brame: Okay.

00:29:31 Courtney Brame: I didn't know that. So that's probably something to take into consideration as well for like as I have communication with people. Um now, excuse me. Um I want to also just shout you out and thank you for your willingness to support me in supporting someone who um is primarily Spanish speaking and I really appreciated that you were willing to help me with that. Um, unfortunately I was in the process of learning Spanish and then yeah, life started lifing and I got out of it. I got out of it like just flat out and maybe I would have been able to be more supportive to him. But I feel like a sense of guilt for not having continued that practice.

Guest: And I think you need to you don't honestly I can understand why. But I you you're only feeling it because now somebody has reached out to you and you can't be the one to communicate.

Courtney Brame:Let me let me let me … There's a little more to it.

Grounding and Honoring the SPFPP Mission

00:30:38 Courtney Brame: It's was on track for my life to look a certain way and then I to just get detourred. Um, and the detour I believe just came from, I mean, if I'mma just be real, being nice. And even now it's coming out as like, oh, now I'm guilty for not knowing Spanish for this situation. There was absolutely no way for me to be able to predict. And yeah, I recognize that that's just an expression of it. And I'm working on this. This is something that I am very actively foot on the gas working on and that's why I've stepped away from doing like Something Positive for Positive People work stuff. So the support groups are still happening. Everything that's in the calendar is happening. This podcast episode, this recording is me putting a toe back into the water. I mentioned to you I was rusty and I'm coming into a place of more stability and groundedness now than I have had arguably over the last year and a half, but definitely this year for sure.

00:31:53 Courtney Brame: So, thank you for being my guest and thank you for yeah, just like jumping in and engaging, willing to help somebody. I really find that there's a lot of healing that comes from being able to help other people or willing to give to others what we at some point in time needed for ourselves.

Guest: Yeah, I agree. Because three months ago, which was like yesterday, the- that's what people did for me, you know, people who have- who have had the virus for a long time and they were willing to talk me through the first few weeks when I was a mess. And then, you know, everything that they told me, the things that they sent me to read, they helped me educate myself. And I would say after about a month, I was more or less okay. A little paranoid, but I was okay. And now you know some stuff has happened and it's really put it into perspective. So when it went two weeks ago when I saw my second, uh, outbreak I was like this is nothing.

00:32:52 Guest: It doesn't even hurt.

Courtney Brame: Yeah. Good.

Guest: And it went away in seven days. So everything is fine.

Courtney Brame: Good.

Guest: Thank you so much for wanting to have me on. So…

Courtney Brame: yeah, thanks for being willing to have a conversation. Um I I don't know what it was something. It's like when I declared that I was taking a break, I took a break. I stepped back and all of these things just keep- almost like just punching me in the face like do this, do this. It's like I'm getting these great ideas for how to run Something Positive for Positive People, but I'm really committed to uh taking a step back and letting the dust settle because I have been trying to adapt a lot faster than I've been able to allow for what this is to settle. And it's been eight years that I've been able to provide consistent uh I've been able to be consistent.

00:33:53 Courtney Brame: I've been able to provide for myself and yeah, like it feels like I've been forcefully trying to make this something else, something that it isn't. And it is the thing that I'm trying to make it, but I don't need to go about it the way that I am. So, I'm I'm figuring out how to just let this be what it's supposed to be, which is a support resource for people with herpes, educating people about herpes and minimizing herpes stigma and not all this extra s*** I've been trying to do because I've been trying to do a lot of extra s*** Guest: and you're just one person. So, you know, take it easy. Remember that uh you have to take care of yourself as well. However, I will say that uh you are highly regarded within the community. I found you through Reddit.

Courtney Brame: Oh, Reddit.

Guest: Yeah, you are highly recommended.

Courtney Brame: People don't reply, like, comment on anything I post to Reddit.

00:34:55 Courtney Brame: I'll come there and be like, "Hey, can I have

Guest: Because that's the way those subs are. Reddits is ridiculous, but they know. They know. Listen, there are people freaking out there every day. I'm no longer on those subs because it was bad for my mental health. I got off there after about a month because I said, "You know what? No, I need to figure this out on my own." And then it actually helped. But yeah, they know who everyone is, I think. Um, who's that girl? Is it safe s***? Yeah. Yeah. They talk about you and her all the time.

Courtney Brame: A tight. Yeah. We've um we did an event in New York uh early March together. We had 69.

Guest: I think I saw Did you post about that? I think I saw

Courtney Brame: Yeah, it was cool cuz like I don't know what I expected and I was going through a lot and she was going through a lot and I'm so happy that we were able to just let the event happen still.

00:35:47 Courtney Brame: And I didn't expect so many people to show up. I didn't.

Guest: I'm so sorry to cut you off. Uh my computer is about to die. Oh, okay. Uh, if you I don't know how much longer you want to go because if you want to talk more, I can go get my charger or we can wrap it up just before I juice.

Courtney Brame: I'm glad you said something. No, but um yeah, thank you for naming that. Um that I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that you know what you just shared. So with that said, is there anything that you want to share that I didn't get to ask you about? If there's anything that you would give to yourself when you were diagnosed that maybe you didn't have, what would it be?

Guest: I'm definitely going to get my charger. Give me one second because I won't be able to answer. It's gonna die.

Final Thoughts: Trusting Your Body Again

00:36:36 Courtney Brame: So, with that, I'll go ahead and announce uh to check out the events tab at spf.org so that you can know what's happening. Um, I'm in Brooklyn, New York now, traveling. And whenever I release a newsletter, I'll share updates of things that are happening, podcast episodes, as well as opportunities to meet in person, uh, to have social events as well as the virtual stuff. So, just be on the newsletter. That is the only thing that I can say because social media is not really rocking with me right now. Okay, you're back now.

Guest: I'm sorry about that.

Courtney Brame: I just threw a commercial.

Guest: I should have been prepared. I thought I had more battery than I did. Uh, hindsight is 2020 as everyone knows. Uh, I suppose everybody who has this journey probably has the same thought. I wish I could have told myself it's definitely going to get better. And even if you do have another flare up, it's not going to be anything like the first.

00:37:40 Guest: You don't have to worry. you're going to feel pretty normal again and you're going to be able to do most if not all the things you were doing before because you know I was pretty afraid to experiment with my diet. I swore off alcohol for at least six weeks. Then I dipped my toe back in and I realized, okay, I can tire myself out dancing. I can drink, but it's like I said at the beginning, I'm healthier now. I don't drink anywhere near the way I used to. Not that I drank a lot, but I'll have one drink for the entire night, maybe two. That's it. Um, I can be hot, as in not just physically, but temperature- wise. I was worried about- I was worried about going home for the summer and being in the heat and worrying about heat being a trigger, but it's really hot over here right now. And I've been okay. I've started wearing tighter clothes again, like tight pants, short short pants, and I'm okay.

00:38:44 Guest: I wish I could have let myself- I wish I could have trusted that at the beginning. That's all. And I think that's what I would want. That's the message I would want to send. Probably sounding like everybody else who's had the virus for a while. But for the vast majority of people, it does get- life goes back to normal. I'm still on that road, but life is pretty normal.

Courtney Brame: Good. And I mean, what's normal anyway? It's it's different for different people.

Guest: So, your routine and, you know, not thinking about the virus every second of every day, second uh second guessing every decision or choice that you make, that kind of thing. I just don't think about it anymore and I didn't expect it to happen so quickly.

Courtney Brame: Yeah, beautiful. Beautifully said. All right, y'all. Thank you um for listening. This concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People.

00:39:41 Courtney Brame: Please donate to the organization. Please uh I just moved to New York. And if we want to keep this thing going, we gotta we gonna have to do a little bit more than we gonna have to do more fundraising. I can tell you that now before coming back with whatever changes need to be made. So, I ask you- to if you found value in this, just go ahead and make a donation. It can be whatever. Um, if you decide to make a monthly contribution weekly, whatever you do, um, you'll be able to come to the events for free just as support. And what I mean by events, I mean, um, when I do more support groups, some of these are going to be free, some of them are going to be paid. Um, I have to do a better job of screening people coming into this. So, that's a whole process. And I'm really working on not doing too much, but just integrating one new thing at a time uh when the time comes and also being able to host more of these disclosure workshops and opportunities for people to share about their dating experiences and everything.

00:40:40 Courtney Brame: So, um yeah, we- we need those. But if you are someone who maybe isn't in a position to do that, then you can support the podcast. Share something. If you found something valuable out of this, talk to somebody about it. You can leave a review. You can leave a rating, you can like the show, you can engage with my Instagram at Courtney Brain, which is just my first and last name all together, and just help us uplift this. Um, the universe is pulling me to stick with herpes stigma and not try and do all that extra s*** that I've been trying to do. So, I'm leaning into that and honoring that. And yeah, I'm just looking for support in that. I'm always looking for podcast guests as well. So, if you haven't already been a guest or if you're somebody who's on the fence about maybe doing that, uh, hit me up. And essentially, this is it. The podcasts are kind of like a hybrid between support calls and just an offering to the listeners to be able to just sit in on a conversation between two people about the experience of having herpes. That's all I got for y'all y'all. Till next time. Stay present. There's that awkward time between when you got to go to stop the recording for Zoom and you got to do all the clicking and now the recording. Oh, now

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