SPFPP 395: Southern Charm
Jade, raised in Alabama, now residing in Florida, chats with me about stigma in the south. This conversation extends into sexuality and dating. Our guest’s concern upon diagnosis was worrying about if she could be gone down on after her diagnosis which, in short, yes. Yes you can just as she did. We talk about the possible outcomes of being open about our diagnosis and visibility publicly and what support can look like for people going through the same experiences. You can follow our guest at @essentiallyprepped on Instagram.
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Courtney Brame: Hello, welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization.
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Courtney Brame: Supporting people who are navigating herpes stigma. A couple of quick announcements. Actually, the main one is just that, December 12th, in New York City, in Brooklyn specifically, we're gonna have a little karaoke event celebrating what will be the 400th
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Courtney Brame: Something Positive for Positive People podcast episode release. If you're new here, we've been podcasting since 2017, we're going into 2026, so, yeah, we are…
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Courtney Brame: really… we really doing this. It's been almost a podcast episode a week average, maybe a little bit more than 400 already, but, like, numerically, we're almost at 400. There's been some bonus episodes that I've posted over the years. Why I made them bonuses, I don't know. I probably shouldn't have done that. But, this is what we got, alright? And for those who don't know.
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Courtney Brame: First and third Mondays, 7.30 p.m. Eastern Time, are the Women's Herpes Support Groups. These meet virtually. In order to join, all you have to do is make a donation to the Women's Support Group Fund.
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Courtney Brame: after you and I have had a one-on-one support call, so if you have not had a one-on-one support call, you cannot join the groups. I have to vet people. We have to have a conversation first. This is for the safety and integrity of the entirety of the groups, for me to be able to just talk to people and make sure that
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Courtney Brame: they're aware of what the group's for, and also for you to know what it is. I don't know that I can really put on the internet everything that the group is made of and answer any of the questions that you might have before joining, so it's best to just have a conversation. The second and fourth Mondays are for the men, these are the men's support groups, and then on the fifth Monday, this is a very new thing, I'm gonna do something that's integrated, so we don't
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Courtney Brame: have a fifth Monday, every month of the year, but for the ones that we do have a fifth Monday, I'm going to try and do a blended thing. I don't know exactly what. I'm thinking maybe a herpes discussion workshop where we can get practice sharing our status and talking about sex and sexual health with each other from, I mean, either the groups, or I can just open it
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Courtney Brame: up to the public. So, we'll see about that. And, that's really it, as far as announcements go at this point in time. If you've been listening for a while, thanks for being here at the end of the podcast episode. If you liked it, please rate, review it, subscribe to, share the podcast. It really helps us with visibility. And if you ever Google or search for something herpes-related, you see us pop up at the top. Don't click the
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Courtney Brame: ad, click the organic SEO one, because then we can save that marketing budget for people who maybe have not heard of something positive for positive people, alright? I believe that's it for my announcements. Surprise, we have a guest today, and I am going to, like, I know for the past few weeks, it's just been my voice on the podcast, and
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Courtney Brame: I'm glad that you were willing to be a guest on the show, especially because I have been lately having trouble with people seeing the content on social media, which is normally how I would get podcast guests, or posting on Reddit even, and I'm just not getting podcast guests, so it's just been me, trying to find topics that people maybe are searching for, looking for online.
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Courtney Brame: for me to just try and cover to the best of my ability. And, yeah, here you popped up, and you were ready to not just show your story, but also have your face out there, which I very much appreciate. So, I guess for starters, I'll just let you introduce yourself, and then just share how you and I connected, and we'll just get into the conversation from there.
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jaderenz: Sure! So, my name is Jade Renz, and I'm the founder of Essentially Prepped. Essentially Prepped actually started a long time ago, and it's
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jaderenz: like, evolutionized over the several years. It started out as essential oils, and then it was meal prepping, and then it was, being essentially prepped for life and adventures, and then I came into getting herpes, and now I've grown very passionate about
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jaderenz: Coaching and helping others, with
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jaderenz: getting their herpes diagnosis, and walking through that, and support. I'm definitely newer to the game, and I found you, actually, you know, because the first thing I did, I'm a researcher, so when I first got diagnosed, I'm just in the rabbit hole of online, finding out everything, and definitely, yours was one of the first sites that had popped up. So, that's how I kind of got to know you. I've definitely started following everyone that I could related
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jaderenz: to the herpes realm on Instagram, so I've definitely seen lots of your information, been following you for a while, and that's how it came to be.
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Courtney Brame: What made you want to be a podcast guest?
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jaderenz: Honestly, I just wanted to kind of talk to you, and just, you know, kind of just have the conversation, because you've been in this realm for such a long time with being… having this diagnosis for 20 years. I'm only a year and a half into my diagnosis.
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Courtney Brame: First of all, wait, wait, wait, it ain't been 20 years! It's been 12, it's been 12. 12. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
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jaderenz: My bad.
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Courtney Brame: Like, you gonna have exes reaching out to me, like, you motherfucker had this for 30 years? No, no, alright. I just had to say that.
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jaderenz: 12 years, 12 years, sorry. That was my bad. But yeah, just to have a conversation, and I feel like one of the most important things about this
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jaderenz: virus specifically is just the stigma around it, and how everyone is so, like, isolated, and won't show their face, and doesn't want to talk about it, and the anonymity, even trying to, like, create a support group in the community in your area around it, you know, people just don't want to talk, so I was like, I'm gonna get my face out there, and I'm gonna get my name out there, and I'm gonna chat with people about this, and have people know that they're not alone, and they're
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jaderenz: And we're all going through this.
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, thank you for that. And I also… Wanna ask, like.
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Courtney Brame: The putting your face out there thing. I believe that when we do put our faces out there, it aims to destigmatize this. I had an episode maybe a little over a month ago, so it probably is, like, 5 to 8 episodes ago, where I interviewed a couple, and at first, there was this guy that I interviewed who…
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Courtney Brame: was one of the very few men that I've had on the podcast, and then let alone one of the few err people.
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Courtney Brame: That allowed for me to record the podcast and use the video for some of the,
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Courtney Brame: social media posts, and he let me put that out there. I put it out there, and…
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Courtney Brame: recently, he had gotten into a relationship with somebody who saw it, saw him, slid in his DMs, was just, like, looking for a friend. She says, I'm like, oh, no, I think you would shoot your shot. But it's nice to see…
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Courtney Brame: that there's these kind of things that can happen. Not that that's to be expected, right? There's a number of factors that play a role in that, between a person's own self-confidence about it, even their career field, I guess their social circles, their support systems, and I talk about just how…
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Courtney Brame: how brave it was for him to be willing to, like, he didn't have to, he didn't owe anybody putting his face out there, but it was also nice to just have another face out there, another man out there, another Black man out there, too, and this was one of the outcomes that happened. And I hear more people who are concerned about the negatives, or the potentially bad things that can happen from them putting their faces out there.
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Courtney Brame: Are you concerned about any of the bad stuff that can happen from your face being out there?
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jaderenz: Honestly, no, because I feel like, I feel so called to do this, and I felt very called to do this from a very early point.
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jaderenz: And I didn't talk about it to the public at first, and I was just like… and I kept feeling this calling to talk about it, and I was like, okay, fine, like, I hear you, like, okay, I'm gonna talk about this, like, but I don't feel like there's gonna be any repercussions. I feel like it's just one of those avenues, like, if people are going to…
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jaderenz: not hire me because of something that's happening to my body, then obviously you don't value what I can bring to the table anyway, so… I'm like, I don't want to work for you, or whatever the case may be.
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, can you say more about that calling, and you not doing this the first time you felt called to?
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jaderenz: Yeah, so I had wanted to start coaching. So, let me go back a little bit. So, I moved from Alabama to Orlando, Florida.
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Courtney Brame: I wondered what that accent was. It sounded southern.
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jaderenz: Everyone thinks Georgia. I was thinking Mississippi, Alabama, because my grandparents are from both of those states, and so it kind of sounded like that. Alright. Yep, Alabama girl here. That's the country twang. But I don't like country music, I just have to say it.
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jaderenz: But yeah, so I came from Alabama, you know, I'd lived there for 25 years of my life, and I was excited to get out of the small-town vibes, and felt like I had just been held back for a very long time, and had outgrown that place a long time ago, so I was like, yes, I get to
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jaderenz: be free and come out of this place, and I had done a lot of inner work during that time as well.
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jaderenz: And so I finally, right before I moved is when I got this diagnosis, and I knew I wanted to coach. And I just didn't know, like, what that looked like, what kind of coaching I wanted to do. I've always been, like, the empath and the one that everybody comes to for advice and talking through things.
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jaderenz: So it's just been, like, an innate thing in my life, like, since I was young, and so I just felt…
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jaderenz: very called to talk about the herpes specifically very early on, but I was like, no, no, no, no, I don't want to do that. I was like, I don't know if I want to put that out there for everybody to know, like, I'm not sure. I'm just gonna coach with, like, adventure, and bringing adventure into your life, because that's what I did, that's how I was.
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jaderenz: And it just never felt right. Like, I was in a business program to try and help me with, like, getting my name out there and, doing the whole coaching thing. I'm sure tons of people have, done that with, like, hiring someone in. We need mentors, you know, everyone does.
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jaderenz: And it just never felt right to me. And then, as soon as I was like, okay, I was like, I just keep feeling this, so I was like, I'm gonna talk about it. And as soon as I started talking about it, everything just kind of…
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jaderenz: felt right. Like, I felt like I was in alignment with my life again, and where I was going, and what I needed to talk about, and using my voice, because
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jaderenz: I didn't use my voice before. I've been very, like, stifled in my life, and, like, not able to speak about things, or, like, my opinions and…
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jaderenz: what I had to say didn't matter, didn't matter, especially as a child, you know? Sometimes it's like, okay, yeah, anyways, like, we don't need to talk about that, or whatever the case may be.
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jaderenz: So, yeah, that's kind of how that came to be with me speaking about it and that calling. It was just something that I innately felt inside of me.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, I didn't want to interrupt you, I was gonna hit the unmute button, so I was like, oh, yeah, well, thank you,
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Courtney Brame: How long have you done the coaching, and is it geared towards people with herpes?
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jaderenz: So I just, I would say I started with the coaching in… I think it was, like, February of this year, but I didn't switch over to herpes until…
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jaderenz: When was that?
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jaderenz: It might have been around, like…
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jaderenz: April or May, maybe? So it's very new on, like, very early on into it. So I'm kind of, like, a newbie with it, if you, you know, if you want to call it that, or whatever you want to say, but yeah.
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, I'm not curious, necessarily, because I talk to so many people who do have herpes, but I want to give some insight to what coaching looks like, or what can be expected with coaching. It's not something that…
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Courtney Brame: offer, but I feel like it's something that people…
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Courtney Brame: tie into what, you know, our conversations maybe feel like. So, can you just kind of describe what… if someone were to work with you for coaching, what does that look like?
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jaderenz: So, it would really be… it comes down to more of the stigmas behind it, and a lot of it, for me, is natural solutions. I've been a very natural girl for a very long time. I've done essential oils since, I think it was, like, 2017, so I was already very much on, like, a natural path.
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jaderenz: And I just… I know what it's like to be on medication and have side effects from it, so I know that a lot of the times doctors kind of, like, shove a medication to you, they don't really tell you much about it, they're just like, this is what you do to prevent it, basically putting a band-aid on it.
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jaderenz: And so, my biggest thing is having natural solutions to helping prevent outbreaks, what that looks like.
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jaderenz: And those sorts of things, but also, it's about your mindset and your self-love. Like, that… it definitely always comes down to that, and I think that's anyone in life, honestly, but it's just, like, a huge added layer when you get a herpes diagnosis and have to deal with the emotional side of it as well, too. So just working through that, having the support, even just someone to vent to and talk to.
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jaderenz: And I do want to start, forming more of a community as well, because that, you know, I feel we all need that. Like, we definitely need support and love in those areas, so…
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, I… Recognize a humongous gap And… the needs of… people who…
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Courtney Brame: start out looking for herpes support. They look for community, they look for something, right? And one of the questions that I have for people is usually, if they're looking for a support group, what do you hope to get out of the support group?
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Courtney Brame: And, you see people's wheels start kind of turning, and I wonder often if there's this…
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jaderenz: I just need to be around people who also have it, or if there's this, like, you can tell people haven't maybe thought about that before, they just think.
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Courtney Brame: oh, I need… I need this. And it comes down to, do you need this, or do you…
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Courtney Brame: think you need it because you feel like you're supposed to, and so much of the conversations, like, for example, if people are asking, how do I tell someone that I have herpes? Because it's, like, so ashamed, they're so ashamed, or they're embarrassed by it, what…
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Courtney Brame: I, on my end, see…
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Courtney Brame: Is that in talking it out, they kind of say out loud exactly what they need to say to the person, and there's usually this fear of vulnerability, or a fear of emotional connection.
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Courtney Brame: And it's that. Like, people want the words, people want the sequence of wording that's gonna increase their chances of getting a yes from somebody, but the reality is, like.
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Courtney Brame: There's nothing we can do about that, and people are needing to feel people's,
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Courtney Brame: emotion behind it, and connect with that. Otherwise, it's just like an empty shell of the language without any sort of life behind it. And so, from your end, I guess, in the conversations, or in, your experience, right, when people…
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Courtney Brame: When you find yourself, like, being supportive to people, or in finding the support for yourself, like, does that hold true for you, or is there some different,
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Courtney Brame: A different finding that you have.
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jaderenz: No, I feel the same way. Yeah, it just seems that people, sometimes it's literally just saying it out loud. They haven't been able to tell, you know, a lot of the people that have come to me haven't told anyone in their family, even, or there's a, you know, someone that they're going to date, or whoever it is.
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jaderenz: And they just want to… like, just being able to even say it and talk to someone who understands is, like, almost that, like, bottom line kind of, oh my gosh, I needed that, like, thank you so much for listening, and just, like.
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jaderenz: Holding a safe space, especially because of the anonymity with
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jaderenz: you know, that people have with this, and not wanting people to know whether it's the small towns or the jobs, like you said, I've had several that were like, I can't, like, say that, and, like, my job can't know. Like, it will hinder me in my job, so…
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, and a lot of people think that without any kind of proof. Like, I always ask people, okay, if your job fires you for having herpes, I am positive you can sue them, and then, like, not work, and maybe even move somewhere that you'd be happier at, right?
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Courtney Brame: It's not… I guess it's, like, outside of my perspective,
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Courtney Brame: But that sounds a lot like discrimination. I know there's lawyers that will probably be on hand, ready for that lawsuit.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, now let's get into your experience. You are from Alabama. 25 years? 24 or 25 years you said you spent in Alabama?
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jaderenz: Yeah, 25 years, yep.
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Courtney Brame: And, let's talk about… well, you weren't diagnosed in Alabama, is that correct?
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jaderenz: So, it was right before I moved. It was kind of crazy. So, I literally was planning to move to Orlando. I was, like, getting my house ready to rent out, I was getting a property manager, I was downsizing to a bedroom, because I was just tired of taking care of a house by myself.
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jaderenz: And, it was my grandmother's, like, 90th birthday at the time, my best friend's birthday, and then literally July 5th, I was, like, headed out with a U-Haul, and I had all of these symptoms. I got tested July 3rd, blood tests, like, I had, you know, it was a really bad breakout as well.
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jaderenz: And I ended up getting tested and getting my results after I had moved. So I'm literally like, okay, I'm having all these breakouts, trying to move, like, uproot my entire life, have all these celebrations with family and friends in town.
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jaderenz: And let me just go take this trip, and then bam, in an email, it's like, you have positive test, or whatever it said. Well, I didn't even know how to read it. I had to, like.
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jaderenz: Figure out how to even read it and what it meant, you know, on my own, because it doesn't really explicitly tell you, so…
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jaderenz: Yeah, so technically, I was in Florida when I found out it was true, but I already kind of knew after all the research I had done, so…
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Courtney Brame: Alright, so tell me about this boy that gave it to you. What was that relationship like? How'd you,
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Courtney Brame: Come to acquire it or be exposed.
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jaderenz: So, actually, I, you know, I was, like, perpetually single, for a while, and, I.
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Courtney Brame: Wait, wait, wait, we're perpetually single? Because I've been hearing that a lot. What does that mean?
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jaderenz: So, I was, single for, like, I think, like, almost, like, 2 or 3 years.
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Courtney Brame: Okay.
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jaderenz: And I feel like I'm just kind of, like, picky about who I date and, like, want to give that time to, and I specifically, I think it was 2022, that I, like, wanted to be single for that year. I was like, I'm not going to date. Like, I still had fun, obviously, and still had sex sometimes. Like, but I didn't want to be in a relationship. I was concentrating on me. If I wanted to have the sex, great. If I didn't, I'm not doing it.
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Courtney Brame: If I wanted to have the sex.
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jaderenz: Heh, yeah.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, so, alright, so this was a casual relationship, it wasn't a relationship, what was it?
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jaderenz: Yeah, it was super casual. Like, I had met him at the bar, he was just fun to hang out with, and he's super sweet, like, kind soul. And usually, it's just crazy, because I always normally had these conversations with people before having sex. Like, when were you tested last? What were your results? Like, main question.
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jaderenz: You know, things like that, and with him, I didn't… I was drinking a lot, I was super stressed out at the time, with everything that was going on and everything I had to get done. Oh, also, I couldn't keep my job either, so…
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jaderenz: And I had nothing lined up for when I moved, so I was, like, trying to wrap up, like, my corporate job that I had been at for 4 years as well, and train my replacement.
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jaderenz: On top of all the others.
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Courtney Brame: What was it… what kind of job? You don't have to say what it was, but, like, what kind of… what was the field?
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jaderenz: I was in, public safety. I was an executive assistant, so I was, like, the glue. Yeah, I was the glue.
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, it's a lot.
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jaderenz: Yeah.
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jaderenz: So, yeah, it was just super casual, like, and I didn't have that conversation. I had it the next day. It was honestly, like, a drunken night, like, I'm having fun, whatever.
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jaderenz: And, he mentioned that his ex had tested positive for HSV1, but he didn't have it. And then a couple days later, I started breaking out, like, all over. Super painful, swollen, all of it. I didn't even really have, like.
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jaderenz: time to process it, or even really feel it, because I was drinking so much, I was just, like, numbing myself all the time.
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jaderenz: So, I'm sure that didn't help. My immune system was probably crap, and all the stress.
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jaderenz: So yeah, I started breaking out. I had the conversation with him. I even talked to, like, an ex that I had slept with months prior. He was the only other person I'd had sex with in, like, a year. So, I was like, pretty sure it's you, buddy. Like…
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jaderenz: And he was just like, okay, well, he ended up getting tested, and he did finally. It was, like, well after I had moved, but he did… he was like, yeah, I tested positive. I was like, yeah…
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jaderenz: Wow.
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jaderenz: Like, so I don't think he knew. He says he doesn't know, I don't know. I think, I mean, with how many people are asymptomatic, I totally, like, believe that he didn't know that. But yeah, so, here I am.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, I was gonna ask, like, how did you feel about that? Because you know where you got it from. Did that change your reaction that you had?
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jaderenz: Honestly, like, it's crazy, because like I said, I had so much happening that I didn't really
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jaderenz: fully process it, because I was just like, I have to move, I have to get this stuff, I have to do that, I have to get my U-Haul, I have to go make sure all this stuff is packed, I have to make sure all this stuff's sold on Facebook, so… I really didn't process it much until well after I moved, because I was just, like, a blob for a while, too. I was like, alright, now I get to recover from burnout on top of everything.
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jaderenz: But I still talk to him. I do believe that he didn't know, like, he passed it…
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jaderenz: Unintentionally, so, yeah.
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Courtney Brame: Yeah. Do you, when you got the chance to process, right?
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jaderenz: Hmm.
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Courtney Brame: Was there a more intense reaction?
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Courtney Brame: or… I'm curious what the processing process was, so you get this diagnosis, you got all this stuff that you need to do, you mentioned numbing, and over that period of time, when all of the stuff that needed to be taken care of got taken care of, with what was left, right.
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Courtney Brame: What were your questions? What were your concerns about herpes, if any at all?
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jaderenz: I literally, my first thought, because I'm such a, like, sexual being, I was like, I'm never gonna get ate out again. And I was so sad.
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jaderenz: I was like, damn it!
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Courtney Brame: And has that held to be true?
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jaderenz: No, I've definitely gotten 8 out.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, so…
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jaderenz: We're good here.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, so what… what were your concerns with that? Like, was it the fear of…
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Courtney Brame: passing it on, being asymptomatic, like… and I'm curious about how some of those conversations would have gone, because I know that that's… that's something that women have cried over, like, not being able to get eaten out again, because now they have herpes, and…
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Courtney Brame: That's not true. So, what…
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Courtney Brame: from your experience, I don't know, I don't know how to ask this, I'm trying to ask this in, like, a…
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jaderenz: I don't even know… professional way?
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Courtney Brame: I don't think I've been professional, necessarily, on this podcast, and I'll be forgetting that, like, this podcast is for the people with herpes, it's not for, like, the speaking opportunities or advocacy efforts and things like that, so this is just, like, this is just girl talk. Like, I think at this point, like, in this conversation, I can be seen as, gay best friend sort of, way, but how… how do you…
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Courtney Brame: Like, when you're talking to these men that still choose to go down on you.
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Courtney Brame: How are you approaching that? Like, what… give the girls some notes on…
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Courtney Brame: Having this conversation, you got genital herpes, and you trying to get… you trying to get 8 out.
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jaderenz: So, I've only had a couple experiences with this so far, but.
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Courtney Brame: If you have rejections.
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jaderenz: Do what?
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Courtney Brame: Have you had any rejections?
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jaderenz: No.
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jaderenz: Okay, go on.
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jaderenz: I have not.
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jaderenz: So the first guy that I told, it was very, very soon after I had moved that I met him, and we hung out several times,
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jaderenz: just… and didn't do anything, didn't kiss, nothing. And I was just like, oh my gosh, I have got to tell this guy. I'm like, how am I gonna tell him? Like…
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jaderenz: I don't know. We're, like, sitting in my car, and he's, like, thinking about possibly coming to stay with me, and I'm just like, I have to tell him now. Like, I can't do it later, like, I have to… before we even, like, get there, because it's like a, you know, it was a drive.
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jaderenz: And so I… I was sitting there, and I was just, like, I was scared out of my mind. I'm, like, sweating, my palms are wet, I was just like, oh my god. And I just, like, blurted it out. I was like, I have to tell you something. Do you know what HSV is?
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jaderenz: And he was like, yeah, I think so, but will you tell me just so I can make sure that I'm thinking of the right thing? And I was like, you know, herpes simplex virus, I have herpes, and it's the genital kind. And he was just like, oh.
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jaderenz: Like, so nonchalant. I was, like, so surprised. He was just like, oh, yeah. He was like, one of my exes had it. That's fine.
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jaderenz: I was, like, blown away. I was like, I was stressing out for no reason! Like…
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Courtney Brame: You get that a lot. Oh, one of my exes had it.
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jaderenz: Yeah!
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Courtney Brame: But, that's how you got it. Right?
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jaderenz: He didn't have it, though. He didn't.
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Courtney Brame: Okay, yeah, yeah. Well, it's just an interesting response, like,
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Courtney Brame: that's something that… I don't know how often that's come up, where someone has been met with… yeah, maybe in, like, the non-monogamy, polyamory world, and are you monogamous?
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jaderenz: Yes.
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Courtney Brame: And in dating, do you only date one person at a time?
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jaderenz: Yes.
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Courtney Brame: Okay, so the reason I ask that is because I don't… I think that it does look different for people who maybe are non-monogamous versus people who are
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Courtney Brame: dating in the monogamous world, because it's also kind of rare that the conversation about sex and sexual health even comes up, because I think that there's often the assumption that, people who
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Courtney Brame: are dating in the monogamous sense are clean, so to speak. I use air quotes for anybody who's just listening in. And I don't know that the conversation
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Courtney Brame: I don't know that there's a lot of, skillful navigation of the conversation, if the conversation's even had, so that's why I was… I was just curious about that, to see, like, what your dating style was, to be able to speak to that a little bit.
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jaderenz: Yeah, so, yeah, definitely monogamous,
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jaderenz: I don't know how to… I guess, like, I've been with, like, sexually, like, a different story, like, I've definitely, like, been with multiple people, been with some women, like, I'm definitely, like, freer and open with that, but relationship-wise, I usually am, like, I… when I want to do that, I just date one person, I only want to be with one person kind of aspect.
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jaderenz: But I don't…
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jaderenz: feel that just because I'm, like, a monogamous person, that, like, makes it cleaner in a way, because I'm just, like, it's…
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jaderenz: everywhere, you know? Like, it's…
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jaderenz: it's not easy to get, but it kind of is, you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, if you're not careful and you're not asking the questions, like I said before, like, I always usually ask those questions before I ever had sex, and anyone should be having that, even if you don't have
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jaderenz: this, and especially if you do have it, you should be asking them, too, so they don't give you something else, too, when you're already dealing with it, like…
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Courtney Brame: I'll be telling people.
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jaderenz: Yeah!
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Courtney Brame: Go ahead.
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jaderenz: I was gonna say, just because, they ask you, or you tell them, like, when you're disclosing to them, I'm like, you should ask them that back. Like, definitely, like, make sure, like, have they been tested? Like, what's their, like, you know, where are they at with all of that, so…
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, and being from the South, so you've mentioned… I gotta ask about this, so you mentioned having been with women, and you're from the South, like, do you… do you identify as not straight at all in any way, shape, or form?
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jaderenz: I don't, because I don't… I think only because I've only had, like, sexual experiences, so… I guess…
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jaderenz: for me, I'm just like, that doesn't necessarily make me, like, bi, or whatever it would be.
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Courtney Brame: This ain't the first time I heard that. That's why I'm a little bit curious, like, because I have friends who would have talked about that, like, they love men, been with men, but they've been in, sexual relationships with women, and I think it's interesting, because what you do doesn't make up who you are, so identifying as… and there's people who, there's someone I know who I follow on Instagram, like, she goes in on
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Courtney Brame: down-low men, or men who identify as straight, even though they have sex with men, too. And it's interesting, the stigma
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Courtney Brame: even in my internal reaction of hearing that, like, oh, like, you've been with women a few times, like, I didn't have a, oh my god, you're on the download reaction, whereas I think about what's on the internet about, like, men who…
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Courtney Brame: will be with women, but then, like, have a, you know, sexual relationship with a man on the side. Do you feel any of that stigma, or are there any, thoughts or feelings that you have about being straight and having been with women, and is that even something that you're still into, or interested in or curious?
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jaderenz: I'm just a very, like, open and curious person, especially when it comes to sex. I feel like…
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jaderenz: society, especially in the South, oh my god, like, when you said the South, I'm just like, yeah, like, you don't talk about those things, but you'd be surprised in some of those communities just how much there's, like, swinging going on, or, like, whatever the relationships are, like, yeah, there is so much going on behind closed doors.
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jaderenz: And I think now that we're just in this time of, like.
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jaderenz: an era where everything is online, everyone knows everything about everything, so I feel like it's a little bit more open, but in the South, it's still not, so it's not something I would have, like.
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jaderenz: talked about super openly there. Like, all the people that know me, like, know. They're like, oh yeah, she's very, like, sexual and will do stuff,
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jaderenz: But now I feel like it's just interesting
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jaderenz: navigating relationships and sex, period, with having herpes. So now it's like, okay, especially with me doing things naturally, so I'm like, if I have a breakout, like, I don't even really want to go talk to somebody, because I'm like, that can't happen right now. And I literally just had this conversation with my roommate yesterday. I was like, but I can still, like, talk to them and get to know them. I was like, it doesn't have to be about sex, you know?
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jaderenz: I was like, I need to get out of that mindset, like, why am I thinking like that?
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Courtney Brame: Let's talk about that. I have felt that way, too, not like… so I end up having to tell people I have herpes way earlier than I'm ready to, because typically they'll ask, what do you do, right?
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Courtney Brame: I might be in yoga therapy, training, I might have a yoga teacher certification, I might teach medical students, I might public speak. I do all of those things, but I think that all of these are arms or extensions of running something positive for positive people. So, in short, I'm just like, I run this nonprofit. Oh, what's it about? I run a nonprofit supporting people with herpes.
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Courtney Brame: And… more often than not, I met with…
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Courtney Brame: genuine, like, surprise, I guess, because that's such a specific thing, and I usually hear from people that they also have herpes, which is so surprising to me. Like, it's very surprising that I'm also… I'm hearing, you know, from these people who
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Courtney Brame: To have it in this way that…
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Courtney Brame: I don't know that… I would have ever seen coming. Like…
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Courtney Brame: the… let me see, I'm kinda… I think I just, like, drifted a little bit from what I was trying to say, but the point being that having the outcome dependency on this leading to…
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Courtney Brame: a specific result. Since realizing that that's something that I've been doing, I think I've been dialing back and just trying to make it a point to even just say hi to people, right? Just let the goal be to…
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Courtney Brame: just see what's there. And you free yourself from the expectations and the pressure of that, and you allow yourself to be a lot more present when you can do that, when you can just, oh, hi, I'm Courtney.
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Courtney Brame: And then, like, maybe they don't want to be fucked with, and they're like, oh, fuck off. Or, like, they accept the invitation, and we have a nice little conversation, and then, you know, it goes where it goes. So, yeah, I thought that was cool that you, you know, had mentioned that.
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jaderenz: Yeah, for sure.
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Courtney Brame: In the…
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Courtney Brame: I forgot what you said, because I wanted to ask you more about it, to just kind of speak a little bit more to it, because I think that there is something there for people who maybe are stuck in, oh my god, I'm eventually going to have to tell this person I have herpes, how am I going to tell them? When am I going to tell them? What are they going to think of me? And we… we give so much power to this other person that we don't even know if we're going to get to a point of telling them that we have herpes.
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Courtney Brame: So, how do you go about just staying present when meeting people?
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jaderenz: Yeah, I try to look at everything as, like, we're only on this earth for, like, a short, finite amount of time, and there's so many people that are…
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jaderenz: come in and out of your life, and like, you know, the… I can't remember who it is, but it's like the…
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jaderenz: the thing about the being on the bus, and you have your people that are, like, in the back that are gonna be there for the long haul, and then you have your people in the middle that, like, come through but don't stay on for a super long time, and then you have your people in the front that are, like, they get on and off, like, real quickly, you know, and the ones that you pass through, and I'm like, there's so many different people and aspects, and…
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jaderenz: Things that you can learn and connect and…
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jaderenz: put you into another place of alignment through people, so I try to look at it and stay present in, like, meeting a friend. Like, these are just meeting new people, friends, like, it doesn't have to be a possible sexual partner, it doesn't have to be someone that you're gonna be in a relationship with, it doesn't have to be someone that's, like.
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jaderenz: a specific work connect, or whatever it is. It's just meeting people and hearing their stories and, like, having that connection, whatever that may be, between two people, because we're humans, and we need that. We need people and connections, and we want that. So, even if it is only a 5-minute conversation, that brightens your day.
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Courtney Brame: I muted myself, I thought I was, muted already. Yeah, this, this is…
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Courtney Brame: 100%, 100%. And, there's some freedom in that. It's a lot more freedom in that, because two, now having herpes, and please tell me if this is true for you, but have you gotten to a point where you've almost been able to
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Courtney Brame: let go a little bit more of expectations and talking to, dating, meeting people, because, well, it's possible that maybe they won't be okay with you having herpes, and you just kind of can leave it as open-ended as possible in your engagements with people.
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jaderenz: Yeah, definitely. Like, I felt… it was weird, because I went through, like, a phase where I was like, I feel like I have to tell them, like, right off the bat, like, immediately. I was like, why do I need to do that? I was like, it's not who I am, like, at all. Like, it's just something that I, like.
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jaderenz: have and, like, struggle with every now and then when I have breakouts, so I don't feel the need to, like, tell people off the bat and up front as much anymore, because I am more of a, like, bold, open person. It's just who I've always been and how I've always operated. Like, I've always said I'm kind of, like, honest to a fault, because I don't know how to, like.
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jaderenz: not, like, even, like, say, like, white lies. I'm like, I don't know how to do that, so… But now it's kind of like, okay, like, why don't you, like, talk to someone and, like, let them get to know you as a human being first, and then, like, if you feel…
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jaderenz: the need to, or something kind of comes up, or you start talking, or, like, whatever it may be that kind of leads to it, and I feel like you kind of just innately know, like, it…
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jaderenz: you'll feel inside of you, like, whether you want to talk about it or not. And, like, that's up to you as a person if you want to or not. So, yeah, that's kind of how I look at it now. I was like, I don't need to say it immediately, because it's not who I am.
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, that's… that's it right there. I…
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Courtney Brame: want for people to get to that place, and just recognize that the power of choice comes from us. You know, a lot of us weren't given the choice in whether or not we expose ourselves to this, so I think that us being able to give that power of choice to other people is how we reclaim our power, rather than trying to take it back from other people by trying to
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Courtney Brame: maybe not telling them, or maybe trying to manipulate the situation, or just being on daily antivirals and doing the right thing by, and I use air quotes when I say right thing, by not…
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Courtney Brame: exposing other people to herpes, and I think all that is bullshit, man. Like, we do the best with what we have. The information that we have is, you know, we…
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Courtney Brame: talk to partners, because we can't assume what their risks are based on what we would prefer for ourselves, or what we would have preferred on the other side of this, because we haven't met ourselves. And a lot of us, in that case, like, having not met ourselves, we don't know how, another person might perceive us, because it always comes down to
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Courtney Brame: Do I like this person more than I don't want herpes?
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Courtney Brame: that's really it. And a lot of us just maybe don't like ourselves because of now having gotten this infection, we see that there's limitations to our ability to be sexual, or to have relationships, and that's just not true, so we gotta challenge that. So…
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Courtney Brame: Yeah, I think that's a good place to kind of close us out. Do you have anything that you want to add?
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jaderenz: I don't think so, just more of,
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jaderenz: I was gonna… oh, it's just a conversation. That's what I was gonna say. It's just communication, it's a conversation. And I think the more you look at it like that, the easier it becomes. Just a conversation. Whatever happens, happens.
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jaderenz: You're not gonna…
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jaderenz: literally be, like, bombed off this earth if something happens, you know? If they say no, or whatever it may be, so… yeah.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, and then, how can people find you if they want to connect with you, follow you on social media, or work with you?
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jaderenz: Yeah, so I'm on Instagram at Essentially Prepped, P-R-E-P-P-E-D, and, you can also email me at Essentiallyprepped at gmail.com, and I've got everything on there. So, easy, make it easy.
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Courtney Brame: Alright, that sounds good. Well, I appreciate your time, thanks for being here, and thanks for…
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Courtney Brame: bringing your face and your presence and that, that Alabama southern accent as well. But yeah, we'll stay on for a little bit so I can check in with you about how everything went. We're going to post this episode right after it uploads. So, yeah, anything else?
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jaderenz: just thank you for having me. I appreciate you, having me on the podcast, and just always wanting to shed a bright light, so…
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Courtney Brame: Alright.
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jaderenz: Yeah.
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Courtney Brame: That concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. Again, please like, rate, review, share, subscribe to this podcast, and if you are interested in support in any way, shape, or form, just start with a support call. Reach out about that. Everything's donation-based or free. And then if you're interested in the support groups, just know that the first and third Wednesdays are for women, and the second and fourth Mondays are for men.
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Courtney Brame: sometimes the dates need to change just depending on, what I got going on. Like, next week is, Thanksgiving, so I'm gonna be doing some traveling around then, so things are gonna look a little different for Monday, the 20… wow, what day is that gonna be? The 24th. For the next support group, the 24th, thank you. But yeah, come check us out, and if you enjoyed this episode.
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Courtney Brame: So, let me know. I'm curious, because I ain't interviewed a person in a while. If you can't tell, like, I was getting stuck and shit, and I'm like, what? What was I saying? Alright, but till next time, stay present.
