SPFPP 376: I don’t Miss My Ex - The Stigma of Breakups

I miss my motherfucking homie, for real.

Transcript:

Can you organize this transcript into paragraphs so I can add it to the website?

Me go ahead and read this before I change my mind and talk myself out of it.

I don't miss my ex and then in parentheses I wrote the state of breakups cause I didn't want this to be another one of them clicky things.

Irving Goffman define stigma as an attribute that makes a person less than whole.

My wording for this is really that it's a fragmentation of identity.

I believe that that's what stigma does when we get stuck in that less band identity with herpes it's sexuality, but maybe you're reading this and you're not somebody who has herpes so how can stigma impact you break ups?

If you found this post I'm gonna call that maybe you navigated a break up yourself at some point maybe in your break up you fell and over identification with who you were in that relationship in order to get through the break up, maybe you over identified with how people told you to be even support can feel further fragmenting When you're going through a break up, the fragmentation comes from what you think you should do what others tell you to do and if you have a consistent support system, their guidance may be all fairly similar, but there's still a piece of the self that coexist in the possibility of my work minimizing stigma.

I often tell people that identity validation is the cure for stigma, and it typically happens in community, but if your sense of self is fragmented community may not be as accessible or you may only have parts of yourself that can be validated which leads to more over identification with a fragmented part of my family my friends community.

I'm very fortunate that each of them gets to see the same me in real time messy curious creative and I also recognize that when my last relationship ended so did my presence so did my positivity my identity was Most invalidated when the relationship ended, I was met with curiosity by my peers around what went wrong.

I was asked why we couldn't make it work.

I didn't have an answer so I spoke to all that I could recall from just my exes experience and what she shared the things that she shared about her internal world things I didn't do things I did do that were wrong harmful out of allowing triggering, etc.

.

I spoke to these things first when talking to people, and as I shared these things, people really have space and challenge me for being hard on myself but the way I felt learning just how negative of an experience my ex had with me in our relationship from day one of our year and a half relationship.

It really turned my interpretation upside down, and I started to identify with that negative and I became possessed by that energy, and that was the way that I spoke about our relationship from that Negative lens truth be told people wanted to be there for me but the way they were there for me.

Something never felt right about it.

The language I have now at the time of writing this is that that negativity overshadowed my positivity generally people say I'm a positive person in more ways than one because I got herpes who can really find the good and everything but during this time.

I was just constantly invalidating my own experience, repressing and suppressing it down because they just didn't seem to be room for it, and I felt terrible.

I very much over identified with that terribleness, and I punished myself by seeking further punishment from those that I shared the relationship details with, and I noticed that in that I'm neglected my own experience there's challenges represent themselves in every relationship, especially at the intersection of various identities.

Me being black me being a man me being straight me being from the Midwest age difference is social Status and in our shared community as well there is so much language to be learned differentiating between who someone is online or presenting to the world versus who they are with the mask off these intersections of identities and our difference is made for so much potential for growth as we could very well learn from one I appreciated our differences so eagerly to understand her, and in the process of learning her, I learned to like so many things about myself that did validate my identity as a positive person while I utilize my support system, the Internet was not helpful at all the fastest way to get over somebody has to get on top of somebody else.

Just get somebody younger and hotter get abs make more money.

Don't nobody like being used I mean LSU and none of that advice ever really sat well with who I am as a person I wanted to be vulnerable and share and each time I would Go to record a podcast, make a post or attempt to move through my grief my emotions I noticed that things would come out about the relationship and the break up when I didn't intend for it to not making the space for what needs expression will cause the space to make it itself whether that be through illness whether that be through blurting something out whether they beat through self sabotage so I have at least 30 separate podcast recordings that the world will never hear because of how it came out I have nothing negative to say about my relationship and everything positive I believe this exercise can be useful for anybody navigating the challenges of a break up, which can cause identity fragmentation throughout the process, speaking the negative, and having it exaggerated stigmatizing to me, it felt like my essence was just being torn out of my nervous system to the point where I'd even have dreams that she and I would interact and ways that we never have and never would maybe be remembering the negative and holding that makes things easier to move through and get them out of our energetic presence, but fuck that that's easy, but it's not a line one thing I'll always be grateful for my ex is that that don't even feel right to call her that that was my fucking NIA.

I roll home here, but I always said that to her like you, my NIA and I thought I knew my values until she pushed me further into my shadow to learn what is actually important to me.

I've lost girlfriends.

I've had access, but this wasn't that if We weren't meant to be and we weren't meant to work toward the future together I can accept that, but I'll be damned if I just allow the negative experiences to be what I remember or have to let go of alone.

I remember everything everything I remember the first time I saw her in my first words to her where I follow you on Instagram, I'm Courtney.

I remember our conversation and how it felt so nice for me to just have somebody genuinely be curious about me outside of what I do and why she charged her phone.

I remember the video she sent me dancing with the only older lady on the dance floor.

I remember how silly I felt for not making time for a meal when I was visiting in New York because I didn't know how close New Jersey in New York, where I remember trade memes with one another remember how surprised and excited I was to learn that there was also mutual interest interest in us connecting.

I remember the post that she made on her social media about me coming to see her but only I knew what it was About and just how excited she was, I remember the excitement of getting picked up from the airport when I come visit I remember receiving a good morning.

Text every day and place being a last one that I heard before a bed leading into the sweetest and calm Mr.

sweet dreams I'd wake up feeling like I can take on the fucking world.

I remember ordering a sweet and savory menu item whenever we get breakfast together whenever we eat lunch or dinner go on days, we just order a bunch of food and split it all I remember leftovers from Saddlebrook diner I remember meeting and her parents way sooner than either of us.

Would've planned two and being invited in as as part of the family regardless of how earlier I remember resting my head in her lap while I was trying so hard to just like cry after this grief class about how much I miss my grandmother, I remember being woken up by her having nightmares like she shake, and I just pull in tight and close to me.

I feel our heart rate slow down.

She relaxed back into her slumber.

I remember our first time finally going to get dumplings together.

I remember dancing in Hawaii at the wedding.

I remember getting rained on every day we went to the beach out there.

I remember watching love is blind together.

And me waiting on her to watch solo leveling as an anime for also don't know I remember picking her up from work way past my bedtime.

I'll walk into the store and yeah y'all got small condoms in here.

I remember our first contact our concert together and the events of that day.

I remember Black Eyed Peas meet me halfway I remember her keeping the sushi order from my restaurant and her phone so we could try new combinations of it like what we really really like them.

what was OK so we can replace that with something new and better I remember working out together without headphones and just how present we were with each other.

I remember making her protein shakes in the morning for and then timing out the day based on when she got up and was ready, and when we go to the gym and do whatever the plan was for the day, I remember her birthday and just how surprised she was to see that I got all her friends together.

I remember my birthday and then she got me the most important gift I think I'll ever get and I will always hold that close to my heart assuming it didn't get lost in the tornado.

I remember that time that time wasn't easy for her either like while he was losing her grandmother she gave me something to hold onto and remember mine.

I remember that phone conversation sister had with this phone that we could not be quiet for as we were all sitting in the car I remember presenting together I remember wanting to see her when doing everything I could do in my power to make that happen.

I remember not only the bat, but also the good time not with my ex but with my NIA that was my Homie and now I'm expected to just called this person my ex and associate.

All of the negative connotations and stigma that comes with what it means to be exes with somebody but more than anything remember her smile and how I do any fucking thing for her just to see it that smile became the core purpose of everything I did for the time that we shared the last time.

I remember it was her in the living room singing Wale love hate me.

That's the last time.

I saw her genuinely smile when the relationship was over is more important to me.

That that smile of her is exist in the world to be seen by everyone but me then it is for me to be the only one to see it that's selfish and further in validating to my identity.

The movie Hancock really resonates with me because together all I wanted to do was protect that smile, but you know my past kept coming back up and threatening that so I had to move across the country to save it because I can't fly to the moon like he did, but I felt like I could.

Whenever I saw that smile felt like I could do anything.

If the connection we share goes beyond emotional intensity it goes beyond positive and negative experience is even to this day.

I feel I feel her presence.

I feel her grief from across the country.

I feel it and moments that we're likely synced up and maybe we both share these moments and all I can do is just send love and thoughts.

Hope that she's smiling and that the next person is able to contribute to her joy and the ways that I feel short.

Bringing his back I cry while writing I ain't crying now Balut, though I'm gonna wait till like close out, but these were tears of sadness was tears of presence as I wrote these moments and reflected on these and others that are more personal.

I didn't wanna put that out here I do feel a release.

It's a release of myself from the stigma of what break ups are supposed to be a release from the expectations of the realness of a breakup and how healing.

Is in the grief it's in the passion.

It's in the sadness.

It's in the anger.

It's in the resentment, but it's also in the joy and it's in love to behold it to embrace the totality the totality the totality of the human experience with presence y'all my life been chaotic.

But everything that's good that's happening.

I just found myself so badly wanting to reach out to her wanting to call her wanting to text or just to share because again has been my NIA and that is so much more true so much more real so much more validating than being a fucking ex the only reason I won't reach out is because the last conversation I had with our dad who I respect so much.

The advice gave it was don't and I honor that out of respect for the man who contributed to bringing that beautiful smile into this earth even if I only got two years of a lifetime with it the quality of those experiences means more than any quantity of time ever will for me, and I hope that share my experience helps us to not just destigmatize to break up process for some people because it's in this moment where I have the most healing just reflecting line in the way that does validate who I am This process has been challenging yet liberating and I'm grateful for being witnessed in my grieving, not of my expert of my fucking NIA when we embraced the wholeness, so who we are, we can see who others are and validate our identities and appropriately liberate ourselves, allowing the risk of the grief beyond any single name, emotion And with presence so maybe you do miss your ex but I don't miss my mother motherfucking NIA right for all the white people who said NIA your head you racist I'm just playing I feel aligned and posting this because I wrote it I guess but other times like I swear I'll just be having a podcast episode and there will be a thing that comes up where I just say something that like no that's that's not true that's not.

that's not mine.

That's not real.

This isn't the place for that.

And I think that would all lie so much here is that this is.

These are the memories I have there's a lot more.

There's a lot more positive than there than negative.

There's a lot of challenge.

There's a lot of liberation.

There's a lot of curiosity.

There's a lot of learning.

There's a lot of growth.

There's a lot of there's a lot of a lot of things that happened in relationship relationships And you know this cause I don't think that we need to demonize or harbor on the negative of things in another person or ourselves even in order to be able to get through it because we only get through some of it when we do that and they say no like you got a harbor on the positive and I think that means you're gonna go back to something, but this is very helpful to be able to Look at the whole of things, and when you look at the whole of it, sometimes we see that we lock into thinking that they aren't even the other person's like it feels like I allow my story to be this version of the relationship that only had negative to it and as I was talking about it, I gotta hear myself sometimes and be like wait.

That's like yeah that's a bad thing but that's not like.

That's not the relationship and I can't tell no people how to be in a relationship.

I don't know what people tolerance levels are for things, but I will say like me sitting with these this is positive.

This shit was so much harder than me listing out the negatives, what went wrong what was bad where we were incompatible things I said things that she needed and wanted things that I needed and wanted and what those differences were.

And what the similarities were, but I realize like where things went wrong, where the thing that I couldn't give her was the truth of all of my actions were to see her smile that's all I wanted.

I didn't need anything from her.

I just wanted to see her smile and what I've been able to learn is that Yeah, like know what you want and be able to set the expectations for that I get how important that is now but when you are living for something and you know, it's your living for you don't have to ask those questions you don't make sense to think yourself out of doing and being what you already know you're getting I was it wanted to see a smile.

I think a lot of us who go through break ups you know yeah we learn about relationships.

We learn more at the technical shit, but I loved getting to feel the entire spectrum of.

A relationship of this relationship with our relationship, like the whole fucking spectrum of the negative and the positive the unintentional of the intentional because is supportive in who were becoming, and I think that I always say man, you know, people will be so scared of getting rejected Get rejected all the fucking time to the extent where they won't go out and pursue that which is on the other side of rejection you know people talk to me all the time about.

I got her piece of the worst day of my life.

Nothing is good ever gonna happen to me.

No fuck that like you ever had your heartbroken you ever been part of a heartbreak you ever been turned down for a job you ever been laid on rent like Herpes is so fucking significant yes at the time of my diagnosis that shit was trash how fragmented I was how not I was how negative I was how avoiding I was, but it's been through that that I still managed to find love to find meaning to find community to find creative outlets To find connection to reconnect with my curiosity to learn what's important to me and we gotta we gotta be willing to get hurt for what we believe in.

I was willing to I was willing to get her to see her smile you know and tell people like what she do for you like she was there and that wasn't enough.

The further in validation is just like been like wow she did that she did this.

I'm like well yeah I know I did these things, but nobody asked me.

Nobody asked me about the good.

Nobody asked me why we lasted for as long as we did.

people just assumed sex well yeah maybe but I didn't have sex before.

That's that's not.

That's not it.

It wasn't Hope it wasn't hoping somebody changed.

Like I was as present as can be for just wanting to see her smile doing the things getting things and just taken away the pain or the frustrations or anything I just took away from our joy and in the process I became somebody else I think I can I can honestly I listen to the book no more Mr.

nice guy.

I did all the shit he said you ain't supposed to do I fucked up I own it.

I fucked up and yeah, I wasn't living in my life.

I was as best I could integrating myself into hers and trying to make for a better life for her the one that she said that she wants.

And we we two separate human beings I needed to be on my bullshit and trust that she'll be on her bullshit and I just I came in doing all this shit Dr.

Donald Donald Robert Glover says not to do players I got fucked up and I recognize that just OK like you know it's a learning experience.

She's doing well now it seems.

I fucking had a tornado come through my place.

College roommate got broken up with so I mean among the chaos like I think that this is home for me for a while.

I really believe that I needed to just be home and around family and that's not home it's not home.

I tried to.

I tried to make her home and then after trying to make her home, I went to my hometown and tried to make my home home.

And then I learned that you can't do that.

I learned that that's not what is and I learned that that damn shit not where my home is, but it took for me to learn with my values are my intention with my purpose is.

And it's not really action driven is more being driven you know who I am who I wanna be who am I supposed to be because I am doing what I want.

I don't fucked up like I can't do what Courtney wants.

It's about alignment so I've been very much focused on aligning myself and environment around people places things.

Opportunities challenges that that validate me is someone who values being challenged who values me who values liberation, challenging liberation on my two values And I know that now and maybe if I would've been able to approach her with that and be able to set the expectations who knows what would happen but I'll be damned if I just remember the bad and the negative and like act like that was the relationship because it wasn't.

It was part of it.

And a bit hesitant to talk about the relationship like publicly because of how small I felt talking to people about the relationship around me because I'm just regurgitating shit and I think that the time that we spent part allowed for me to see like yeah it was great going out and seeing her dad Going to eat with her mom hanging out with her sister chilling with the cats like all of all of this so there was so many pleasant trees.

There was so much love was so much joy was so much pleasure.

There was so much intensity.

There was negative intensity.

It was positive intensity but for what I remember like I choose remember.

The good too, so this this became you know all about me actually and I think this is the last this is it this is the last out you know consciously speak on this.

I'm releasing this let go releasing energetically like that last bit of what I was holding on to like it's easy to let go like oh you fucked me over this way you did this to me.

You used me you did that.

You lied to me like yeah all right fuck you let that go, but like so much more so much more than our actions are so much more than our past so much more than the words we say with so much more than a confusion and I think that the presence that I've developed in the last month two months as allowed for me to really be able to speak about this from a real place anything that I would've said before now it wouldn't have been real Anything I would've said before now, it would've been combination of what I've heard her say how badly I know she's felt in the moments of bad and none of the good little shared joys under the shared pleasures.

None of that like I was very fucking present.

To just wanted to see her smile and like I said my friends tell me like that even though like you, you need somebody that's adding to your life.

I feel fucking invincible and you know when you feel invincible Superman bullets bounce off Superman, but everybody around Superman and Superman, so they get hurt.

And then you know you look around like wait, but I'm not hurt.

Yeah none of these bullets hurt me that mean you look over and you got somebody fucking holding elbow knee stomach and that was how I felt that's really how I felt I felt invincible in my relationship with my ex because even now like I don't look at her like an ex like I see her and I still see my motherfucking NIA.

And it pays me that that ain't it seems like there was yeah there was such a different experience so I needed to just get this out and make it into something that's useful to people I'm OK I've very much just yeah it just needed to come out. This really did need to come out and if you don't make space for it, it'll make space like space will be made and yeah yeah