SPFPP 399: What Herpes Taught Me About God

I challenge people to ask themselves what they want. Typically people who can’t answer this question find it easier to explore when they look at what they have. When you ask yourself this question, life becomes what the Bible, Yoga, and most spiritual teachers describe as a “holy” or “divine” or ALIGNED life. The teachings are consistent with just not doing anything you don’t want to do. The word “sin” simply means unalignment. To live an unaligned life doesn’t mean “be good” in the context of others’ opinions. It means be authentic and act from a place of alignment. Anything we see as sin from the interpreted concept of something like being punished for having sex outside of marriage, objectively the wording is just not to align yourself with what doesn’t align because it’ll cause suffering. Hell isn’t a place you go after death, it’s a state of reality where we are unaligned and therefore suffer. Heaven is a state of mind rooted in contentment, peace, and an aligned life where your outer world matches you inner world. Herpes itself may not have “taught” me that, but my experiences that came after my diagnosis gave me that insight and guidance in the direction of finding the rhythm of God and living from that place. My language has come from Yoga, Anime, and structuring atomic language through the consistent metaphors from quantum physics, and I now see the value of practicing this more and living it out loud.

SPFPP 399 Transcript

00:00:00

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization supporting people navigating herpes stigma. We do so in a variety of ways from support groups to support calls to utilizing yoga therapy to assist people through uh what their feelings are around stigma. I'm a yoga therapist in training at the time of this recording, which is December 7th, 2025. Got to make that disclaimer, but I'll be done in 2026. Like, God bless. And then I'll be a yoga therapist. All right. Um, for those who don't know, uh, if you are in the New York City area or able to make it out December 12th, which is a Friday, we have a karaoke party, uh, from 5:00 pm to 9:00 p.m. that you can register for at spfP.org. This is going to be a celebration of I thought it was going to be the celebration of the 400th podcast episode, which is how it's marketed, but I decided over the last couple of weeks that this will be the last podcast episode, episode 400. Um there's the podcast itself isn't going anywhere.
 
 

00:01:39

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So, if you're new here, those episodes carry a lot of value and if you want, you can listen to those. But I think that it's been more efficient lately to do more community engagement, trying to get people to join the support groups, do more stuff with the website, and trying to put together things where people get the practice of exercising what it is that they learn from the podcast. So the podcast can serve as a library of just having your perspective expanded to where you get to a place. So maybe you want to integrate some of the stuff that you've learned and put it into practice by engaging with other people who are more so looking to learn from stigma and move forward. All right. So uh today we have a guest. This is my last my last guest at least. I don't want to say that you know this is the end of the podcast. It's just I the fiveish hours that go into this per week.
 
 

00:02:33

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Freeing that up does allow for me to do more of what's working. I've been having a lot of support calls lately where people are like, "Yeah, I just found you on the uh on Google or on ChatGpt and I didn't even know you had a podcast." I'm like, "Oh, okay. Maybe now's the time to transition and do more of the things that are bringing people in and bringing people together than just trying to and finding guests has been a challenge lately. Um, so I'm glad I was able to get you on here and my last two guests. These are people that came after me like crying and pleading like, "Hey, I need guests. I'm running out of shit to talk about." So, thank you for being here. 

Leah (Guest):Thanks for having me. You Thank you. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Let's start with uh letting you introduce yourself and then you can share a little bit about how you and I connected and we'll go from there. Sure.
 
 

00:03:22

 
Leah (Guest): Um my name is Leah. I'm in the Midwest, uh Chicago actually. And um I'm really grateful um to you Courtney for having me here to share my um my experience with my recent diagnosis of um genital herpes HSV2. So um I was diagnosed in September about mid September and like I think anyone who gets diagnosed with something that they don't necessarily know a lot about you hop on Google and you were the first thing that came up. Um and I'm always a researcher so um I looked into your website. I scheduled a support call. Um, and since then I've been a part of your women's support group and um, we're doing some yoga therapy together. So, yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Yeah. Um, so while I want to like talk about all of the fun stuff of the support groups and the yoga therapy, I want to jump right into what happened cuz you and I connected. I'll let you share your story and then I'll speak a little bit to like what my observations were and then I mean maybe at some point we can talk about like what you're getting out of yoga therapy and support groups.
 
 

00:04:30

 
Courtney Brame (Host): But let's let's go ahead and get into your story because I think a lot of people will be able to resonate with uh this particular thing and then we can kind of use this as a little bit of an out loud teaching tool for people who might be going through this experience to get through the bullshit of where you might have been headed emotionally had you not allowed yourself to connect with me and for us to talk through that. 

Leah (Guest): Yeah, definitely. So, um I have always um been monogamous um in terms of sex and relationships. Um and this past I would say August, it had been a while since I had dated anyone. I thought it was time to dip my toe back in the water. Um I met someone. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Can I ask you something? 

Leah (Guest): Yes. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Are you reading something? No. Oh, all right. I saw you looking down. I thought you were like reading from notes.
 
 

00:05:23

 
Courtney Brame (Host) I was like, "Wait a minute. Did you I'll take my glasses off. 

Leah (Guest): I just want to be able to see you so you're not blurry." But that's okay. I'll take All right. All right. 

Courtney Brame (Host): No, no, no. You're fine. You're fine. I just was curious cuz I was like, "Wait a minute. Did you write this out?" 

Leah (Guest): No. I would never do I was journaling before you came on, so that's I still have my journal open. Anyway, um so met somebody in August, went out on a couple dates. Um on the third date, you know, there was a lot of chemistry, a lot of physical attraction. Um, so it became a a sex situation and should have had a conversation before we had our clothes off, but didn't. But, um, I asked him if he had protection and, um, he said I'm super duper clean, which now I know is pretty much a red flag. Super duper clean.
 
 

00:06:12

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Super duper not even just clean, it was super duper clean. 

Leah (Guest): Um, and I at that point, you know, felt like, well, we're already here. We're already in bed. We're already naked. Might as well just, you know, whatever. And, um, and that ended up being a pretty big mistake for me because I was I was with him that that time. I was with him a second time, a week later, and then the day after that second time that um, we had been together, I started feeling like I had a UTI. And so, um, it got progressively worse and worse. And so, 2 days later, I went to an emergency care and I asked, um, for an STI STI testing. And it's interesting because, um, they just did like a urine sample or whatever, and I they said, "Well, you just have a UTI." And I knew I knew it was something more than a UTI. And and I had never had an STI before, so I was really scared.
 
 

00:07:12

 
Leah (Guest): Um, and I said, "No, did you test for everything? Everything, everything, everything." And they said, "Well, no." And I said, "Well, that's what I asked for." So, I had to advocate. That ended up getting me tested for everything. Um, and then the next day, I got my um I got my results and called one of my best friends and shared with her. And the long and the long and short of it is is um this is somebody who had herpes. um he knew he had it and I was um there's this page and I don't I don't like these things but are we dating the same guy? Are we dating the same whatever and I I just don't well I didn't at the time like that type of thing because I feel like everybody deserves a chance at who they are and just because you didn't drive with one person doesn't mean you're not going to get along with another anyway. So my um after I told my friend, she told me that this guy had been posted and that somebody had shared that he had given her um she couldn't say herpes online because her post would have been taken down, but she said if anybody, you know, has had any bad experience with him healthwise to please reach out to her.
 
 

00:08:26

 
Leah (Guest): So, I DM'd her and we ended up talking and she um got it from him 3 years ago and um I don't even know how many other women he's been with, but it was pretty much the same story that happened to her that happened to me. Um I'm so sorry. I'll go get tested. I had no idea it couldn't be me. Um and I don't have multiple partners at once. Um, and it had been probably a good 6 months since I had had sex with anybody. Um, so I knew it was him because I get tested after each partner. Um, so anyway, um, that led to a lot of anger on my part and I remember I was sitting in my backyard on my patio and when we had our support call and it was like my finger was in a light socket. I was so and this and that and this and that and he did this and and I was like I was all very much worked up and very much in a in an angry resentful bitter space.
 
 

00:09:28

 
Leah (Guest): Um, but after that call with you, you said I remember you said something that I think pretty much changed or started the change in my mindset and that was I said I pride myself on being a non-judgmental person and so I was trying to give them a chance and you said well why is judgment such a bad thing and I had never because I think judgment when you say you're judging someone it has a negative connotation but what you said was judgment is a is a means and a way to protect protect yourself and I'd never thought of it that way. Um, so it's sort of that call set me on this journey of really thinking about where I am right now and and what I am open to learning about and um I am in a much different space right now. Actually, I think having a herpes diagnosis has been one of the greatest lessons of my life. And I also think that I always believe that the universe brings you things that you need to learn.
 
 

00:10:32

 
Leah (Guest): There's a lesson and a reason for everything. And you may not understand it at the time, but eventually that'll be revealed. And as I've gone through this journey for the past 2 and 1/2 months, um it's being revealed to me that really what what my work is that I need to do is I need to work on myself. I need to work on my communication. I need to um I need to be able to ask for what I want and say, you know what, not really interested. And that's okay. So that's the work that I'm kind of doing right now. So, it's it's been a blessing. It really has, which I never thought in a thousand years I'd say, but it it really has. 

Courtney Brame (Host): So, that's such a common phrase among the support groups and resources that are out there for people with herpes is that this has been a blessing. And people are so resistant to hearing that if you see that too soon because you're like, how can this be a blessing?
 
 

00:11:29

 
Courtney Brame (Host): My sex life is over. And we look at it when we look at it exclusively from a sexual perspective. Yes, that is the case because now it's like the perception that you had about herpes and people who have it prior to your diagnosis is now on you and that's that's it. That's who you are. You're that person now. And we don't give ourselves the opportunity to have it reflected back to us in any other format, any other way because we also don't want to sorry, we also don't want to give people that power over us. We don't want to tell people um so to find somebody that you can just express yourself with. I speak to identity validation, right? the judgment uh the your perception of judgment being such a bad thing. I think looking at that as a reflection point of identity, right? Who you are is you're someone who in that moment was trying not to be who you are or who you needed to be, right?
 
 

00:12:33

 
Courtney Brame (Host): If you're resisting being a judgmental person, let's lean into that resistance. It's there for some kind of a reason. And the reason is typically what you assign meaning to. For sure. if you are willing to investigate it. Um, and so yeah, like I'm glad that that was a statement that was able to help you get through that or go on the road that you went down because when we talk there's a lot of high energy and in oh yeah yoga we we talk about uh the Gunas and these are the three states of being things have tamasic state which is like in stillness, rajas in motion and sattva which is like balance and you are very raja lots of fire, lots of heat and lots of just you were ready to take action. And another observation was, okay, you this person did this to you and you wanted you wanted something and I think one of the things I might have asked you is what do you get out of this?
 
 

00:13:34

 
Courtney Brame (Host): What is it that you're going to get out of this? What do you want? What outcome do you want by protecting or saving other women from this when if he's been doing this for at least three years? what makes you think you going to be the one to to stop him from doing anything? And that was really a way for me to bring you into a more grounded state of taking that energy that you're putting out there into him and allow for yourself to settle in and see what you can do with that for yourself. And then after you're more grounded, maybe later you decide, oh, this is the aligned action that I need to take for myself or for the greater good or this is what the moment calls for, right? So, it is it's longterm looking at it from that perspective. I know we haven't talked about it or him in a while. it's been mostly on you and I'm curious to know with that has your perspective changed on between like I need to do something about this and now if so what is it?
 
 

00:14:36

 
Leah (Guest): Um that's a tricky question. I I'm in such a space right now. I actually feel really sorry for him to be honest. And that's I I have a lot of um like sadness for him that he doesn't feel like he can have a conversation or a discussion. Um that he feels like he has to I see what you did there. You see what I mean? Not the bad deer. Um, I I feel really sorry for him because it must be a really empty, lonely existence to have to be that way. So, what do I want to do right now? I I cannot save everyone. Um, I the CDC, I learned from my um gynecologist, doesn't even care about tracking herpes, which is crazy to me. Um, but I think what do I want to do now is I want to I just it's about me. Sorry, I'm being selfish. I don't I I mean that's just the space that I'm in right now is um I I want to take this and do what I need to do for me and eventually hopefully um be able to provide support to other people um who have gone through a similar experience um because in many ways my I didn't my my choice was taken away right I didn't I didn't consent to this Um, and who knows, like if he had just been honest with me,
 
 

00:16:04

 
Leah (Guest): we could have had a conversation and, you know, I I might have still had sex with him. I don't know. But he he took that away from me. And I think that's probably what makes me the most angry. So yeah, I think I think I'm in a space of of pouring it into myself right now. Um, but eventually I want to I want to pour it into other places and and be a good listening ear for someone because I know that that's what really helps me is just for for people to listen. 

Courtney Brame (Host): So Um, and you spoke to choice. Choice is such a powerful word there because someone did this to him, I'm sure. And you know, some of us when we are unwilling to look at this, that's all we know. That's all we do. And it's a matter of, well, this was done to me, so I need to do this to other people or this is the way to go.
 
 

00:16:52

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And that's the kind of person who just doesn't have options. A lot of suffering is caused by ignorance. and ignorance and a sense of just not knowing any different, not knowing any better, but also an unwillingness to learn better and do better because you you know to a certain extent when or if or how you're causing harm. So to just blatantly go out and do the things to people in a pattern, right? At that point, that's just who you are until you're willing to go into that and engage and then like get out of that. And you know, I'm sorry that this was your experience and I like to look at things that happen to us as opportunities for something more healing to happen through us. Like we're thrown into this world and we we get shit sticking to us and then when we recognize, huh, then there's this shit on me. Oh, there's all this shit on me. Like, we begin to remove what we can remove and we get help from the world around us, people, communities, places, events that help us reach the areas that we can't, our blind spots.
 
 

00:18:03

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And in doing so, we create this more clear picture of who we've become in reference to that. And as we remove the shit some of it has shaped who we are. and we're able to allow ourselves to go out into the world and let the world reflect back to us what this new and evolved version of yourself is without that gunk of shit that we've accumulated. This experience being some of that gunk that maybe has calcified and now your willingness to look at it being taking the action of reaching out for a support call, being willing to go into yoga therapy, showing up to the support groups, right? These are ways where you're able to help get some of that stuff off of you that you might not be able to reach yourself. 

Leah (Guest): Yeah. And I Yeah, that's very well said, actually. Very beautifully said. Um, and I think the last time we met, something uh another thing you many things that you've said have stuck with me.
 
 

00:18:58

 
Leah (Guest): Um, but this stuck out from the last time that that we met and that was that my outer world um is a reflection of my inner world. And that's something that I've always struggled with, like what's inside of me and who I am inside of me and how that's being reflected in the world around me. So, if I have certain thoughts and ideas about myself that perhaps are not the most positive things about me, then that's kind of what is going to be reflected back to me. Um, and that if I'm understanding it correctly, hopefully I'm understanding it correctly. But, um, that's that's that was really powerful me powerful for me to to stop and think about that. Um, because I think we all have negative chatter um that we hear sometimes and um, mine can be a little louder than normal. Um, but this this diagnosis has really helped me kind of talk back to that voice and just kind of tell her to shut up and you know like not be so critical and not be so um judgmental of me, right?
 
 

00:19:57

 
Leah (Guest): I don't want to be judgmental to other people because I judge myself a lot and there's two different judgments going on there um that I'm now able to articulate a little bit more. So that's been very helpful. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Yeah. Um, so I'm gonna go ahead and do a spoiler alert. Uh, my 400th podcast episode, uh, the original intention was to title it what herpes taught me about God. And I'm finding that more spiritual conversations are being had. Our most downloaded podcast episode, I thought would be the episode I did with Dr. Evelin Dacker on how to talk about your herpes status and diagnosis with somebody. It's actually episode 112 or 116, which is the spiritual significance of herpes. And I was very shocked to see that because I Googled herpes and spirituality and this is the first podcast episode that popped up or the first theme that popped up and I was like interesting. And so there's so much to be said for the spirituality component, right?
 
 

00:21:01

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And I I guess this is a really good, you know, transition into that conversation because I have learned so much more about whatever language we use, God, spirituality, yoga. I think that these are different languages for the same thing. Even for someone who has no beliefs about God, even the absence of your belief is a belief. Like the choice not to have a belief in God. All right, cool. What do we call a thing that you put faith in? right? like unless you just don't subscribe to faith or hope right and it using the language that I have to connect with people at that level that is not the body that is not the mind that is not emotional that is not your identities that is not like just uh who it's more at who you are at your core when you strip away the identities and that brings us to the raw material of what makes us who we are whatever that light is those particles the protons, neutrons, and electrons, right?
 
 

00:22:03

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And what I'm hearing and what you're sharing here when we talk about the inner world, outer world, it's really coming down to that. Like when we disassociate from our finances, race, relationships, sex, gender expression, our relationships, the roles that we got to play between being a parent, someone's child, a grandparent, partner, spouse, friend. When you strip all of that away, that is where you are the closest you can be to whatever force of existence that you believe in. And I try to help people peel back those layers by not unidentifying with these things, but to see themselves outside of it. And yoga calls it the observer. Uh I think the Bible calls it uh the language of the Bible. I'm learning it. So, I'm I'm actually going through the process of like rereading the Bible. Uh not rereading it. I don't want to say rereading because I've not like read it in its entirety, but there have been scriptures that have stuck with me that I hear uh consistently in different books.
 
 

00:23:12

 
Courtney Brame (Host): There's uh the awakened brain. I forget the exact name of the author, but she talks about how when people have faith in something, their brains work differently. It's almost like they're more functional, right? So the draw of people's spirituality or the draw that people have to the spiritual side of uh something positive for positive people makes me think that in the event that there's a season two or that I come back to the podcast, it might have more of a focus on that element. But I I I got to do some work to refine the language and yeah, definitely. I know when we when we have our calls and we talk about the the things like you're like you should write a book like that relates. 

Leah (Guest): You should write the book. Absolutely. No. And I and I I you know, for me it's been really hard because I I'm Greek, so I grew up um so culture and religion are very interwoven um in my cultural background and I have had to take I'm in my early 50s so I've really had to peel back the layers and separate religion from spirituality.
 
 

00:24:19

 
Leah (Guest): Um, and so there's a lot of um, cultural aspects of the religion, the organized religion with which I was raised that I still take with me because there's a there's that cultural piece, right? But in terms of spirituality, I've really had to um, take what I take and leave the rest is what I say from the religion. And I I do happen to believe in God. I do believe in that as a higher power, but you know, is God a man? I don't think so. I don't I don't think, you know, I don't think God has a gender. I think, you know, so but it's a lot of these um these ideality that have actually helped me post divorce because I was divorced eight eight and a half years ago. Um and and really helping me grow into my own right right now. So my idea of spirituality is, you know, has a I think a Christian base, but it's definitely peppered with Buddhism and, you know, other forms of of spirituality.
 
 

00:25:21

 
Leah (Guest): I'm reading a great book right now called um it's by Technahan and it's called Jesus and Buddha as brothers and it's fascinating. It's it's the most fascinating book I think I've ever read. Um so yeah so that's and and and this journey with with herpes has definitely um given me pause to to really think about you know what do I have faith in what do I believe in um where is the good because I think when you get this diagnosis at least for me I don't want to generalize but it's really easy to fall right into the negative right except the way you explain negative is negative is the absence of that doesn't mean that that's a that's a bad thing. It just means that it's it's waiting to develop into something. Um so I've had to shift my mindset thinking about negativity too, which is something else that you taught me, which is again why you need to write a book. Um so anyway, um yeah, I said a lot there, but I I I guess I just wanted to speak to that that that religion and belief in a higher power than yourself can be two different things.
 
 

00:26:29

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So yes, um I'm at the the intersection between what I've learned about Christianity, what I've learned about um yoga and what I've learned about anime. There's a lot of spirituality in a lot of the anime that I watch, which is you ultimately learn, you hear the same story over again, over and over again. there's suffering where there's just this unconscious existence of like no connectedness uh to what it is that you want. All of these things are essentially saying do what you want to do, don't do what you don't want to do. Even the word sin, like the interpretations of the Bible, me and Chad GPT had a nice low on conversation about this, too. Like I I was one of I'm one of those people and I created a glossary of metaphors that wow speak to what yoga says, what the Bible says and then what the language that I'm cultivating for uh I call it atomic living where God purpose whatever positive and presence represents the proton uh electrons are everything in motion.
 
 

00:27:43

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So events, people that come into your life, challenges and all of that. And then the neutron is us, right? So in the book Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill, the author essentially interviews the devil. We don't know if it's the real devil or if it's just like a figment of his imag imagination. But a lot of what he speaks to, if you sum it up in general, is that the devil is electrons, a negative energy. He's like, I make up one half of the atom. I'm the negative I'm sorry the negative portion of the atom. So atoms are these structures where there's a proton at the center which is and if we're looking at the sun as an example of an atom the sun's uh objective in its rotation and everything that happens is it turns hydrogen into helium. So its purpose is that as the proton, the neutron is the stabilizing force that is like, okay, this is what we're doing, right? And it could choose to stop doing that.
 
 

00:28:42

 
Courtney Brame (Host): It could choose to not be in stillness with its proton, but it doesn't. And in turn, because of its consistency and its stability, we are its electrons in that it's been given it's g it gives off light, it gives off heat, and it gives off gravity. So every planet that has structured around it has benefit from its stability. When people live in that way where the solar system as an example of living becomes what we do with our nervous system, we find that we take our we we take where we were born in our surroundings and we find our own structure and stability in it. So where someone might turn hydrogen to helium or the sun turns hydrogen to helium, we turn our trauma into healing and in turn we find that opportunities, people, events, uh things orient themselves to us. And that's really what life is supposed to be like. And you see that in the stories of Jesus. You see that in the stories of you see that in various scriptures in the Bible.
 
 

00:29:46

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And some that stand out to me are like be still and know that I am God. That's probably one of the biggest ones and it's to find that stillness. Because if the devil is all electrons, negativity, and things in motion, then you doing only what you're supposed to do and none of what you're not supposed to do. You find yourself in alignment. And when you're in alignment, you have the groundedness at your center and you've got these orbits around you where things orient themselves to you and who you are according to how you express your purpose, right? So nothing inherently is bad. Even I looked at the objective Bible verses and it's like damn you can turn that into something for control and tell people hey you should only have a wife and a husband together versus it being what marriage is symbolic of which is hey we're agreeing to this sense of purpose and there's a lot union right right yeah and 

Leah (Guest): and I think that I sorry I didn't mean to interrupt you I think that no you're right I think that I mean I think all you have to do is look around right now at the world and see all the misinterpretations of things or the insistence and it's crazy and I that's where I the whole organized religion thing if that's your if that's your thing that's fine but it can't be an
 
 

00:31:14

 
Leah (Guest): imposition on others and that's yeah anyway supposed to be I mean that's the thing and I I um yeah I I post divorce being a divorced woman in in um the Orthodox church is is a fascinating thing and um it and we don't need to go down that road because that's totally different than why we're here but um but it just it was very eye opening for me um and I think again those types of experiences as a woman can actually um cause a lot of anger a straight woman um cause a lot of anger towards straight men and and I'm just that's not my mindset. And I think that we can fall into that as straight women a lot um easily, especially with how I um contracted herpes. And I don't hate men. I don't think they're all jerks. I don't think they're all bad at at all. Um and you know, I I can't live my life that way, right? So, yeah. So, going back to what you were saying about about the Bible and stuff.
 
 

00:32:23

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Yeah. I mean, interpretation is everything. It's everything. Yeah. So, and so many people I talk to, they get here and they're like, "Oh, I grew up in purity culture. I grew up Catholic." I hear, "I grew up Catholic more than anything else." And there's so much of uh people's self-identification with sexual shame. And people think that they're sinning because they have sex outside of marriage. But uh the interpretation the the Bible objectively states it uses I think the word covenant and when we because we were talking about this in a um I'm on a a cab panel where we're trying to do a study on heterosexual couples and we were defining like what a couple is or what a relationship is like how are we defining it because there's situationships fuck buddies friends with benefits all these things right and how the Bible speaks to marriage right is essentially um people interpreted it as if you're not married then it's sin. It's it's marriage without uh or it's sex without uh outside of marriage when really it's like don't have sex you don't want to be having.
 
 

00:33:29

 
Courtney Brame (Host): If you're intentional about it and all parties involved know what it is then it's not a sin because it's not out of alignment because sin is just out of alignment. That's what the word means. And when we talk about alignment, right, the planets are aligned with the sun and the benefit that we get from it is light, heat, and a consistent gravity. And we got all these ecosystems that make the planet self-sufficient and only in relation to the sun, right? So with our nervous system, if we take actions that are aligned with who we are, first we got to know who we are. Then we got to know what we want. Then we have to be the kind of person that what's supposed to be in our orbit aligns itself to us. And if we just take the framework of the solar system and how atoms operate, like why wouldn't we do that if we're trillions of fucking atoms, like it makes sense that we operate from that perspective. And I've been practicing that for myself and trying to develop the language and speak it more out loud.
 
 

00:34:38

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And I'm finding that the more that I live it, the more that I say the things, the more people are drawn to me, the more opportunities are drawn to me. And I don't I haven't really had to go out looking for them. And I even think to myself, like as somebody who is polyamorous, right? Like I don't know that there were any mentions specifically of polyamory being a sin in the Bible, but it's more about the the covenant thing, right? I have the most intentional relationships than I've ever had with just one person. And those are sins. So I wanted to come back to what you said. I know you said like marriage wasn't, you know, a a part of this, but I think that that's a big deal because it got divorced because uh sin in the sense of recognizing that this is out of alignment. And the word redemption, I believe is a word, really isn't like God's going to punish you. You need to beg for forgiveness.
 
 

00:35:32

 
Courtney Brame (Host): It's really just realigning yourself. So that relationship was not in alignment. Getting out of the relationship brought you back into alignment. So that's it. Like there's no punishment. Like it's suffering. God isn't punishing us. We're suffering ourselves because we're out of alignment and doing shit we don't want to do. Taking it back to the core of what the Bible, anime, and yoga all say, which is do what you want to do. Don't do what you don't want to do. And just be consistent with it. 

Leah (Guest): Yeah. and I got really caught up in doing what I thought I was supposed to do. That's kind of how um up until my divorce, I I viewed relationships. I did not date in high school. I wasn't allowed to. Um I had one boyfriend, my first boyfriend in college. Um we didn't have sex until I was 20. Um so we were together for two years and and before we had sex and then I was like, I've got to go to confession.
 
 

00:36:32

 
Leah (Guest): you know, I felt horrible about it. And um and then and then I met my now ex-husband who's a wonderful human being. He's a wonderful human being. He's not a bad guy at all. He's a great dad. He's a good friend. Um but we just talk about being out of alignment and total night and day. Um, I guess what I meant about marriage is I had to go through a process. After I got legally divorced, in order to still be in good standing with the church, I had to go through um a council of priests and they had to give me the okay. And but my ex-husband didn't have to go through that. Just I did. And that as a woman felt and that's where I really I really um started having like like issues with religion and I realized I don't believe in this God that is so judgmental and so fingerpointy and not forgiving and all that kind of thing.
 
 

00:37:38

 
Leah (Guest): Um because if I believed in that then I shouldn't be sitting here right now talking to you about my herpes diagnosis. I should be, you know, I don't know, somewhere praying 24/7 or something. And I pray all the time, right? But I just I I refuse to believe. I can't believe that that's how my higher power functions. So that was traumatic after after um I was divorced and I had to relearn things and accept things that um that worked for me. But but getting back to to my herpes diagnosis, I am really discovering the nature of who I am, which is you you also said this something about nature. There's a quote that you've said in a few of your podcasts, nature and form are two different things, right? So so I'm really focusing on the nature of who I am and and I wouldn't be able to do that without this diagnosis. So yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): All right. I appreciate that because I I think that your the way that you even just spoke about divorce and the process and church's involvement, church as a governing entity, government as a governing entity.
 
 

00:38:53

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Well, as an entity, I guess um even crime as an in an institution and the financial there media, all of these things. When I watch anime, I'm watching One Piece right now. You see that there's a core power, a system of control that is designed to keep people divided and it's in bed with a lot of the influence like influencers, the people who are given influence because power comes with influence. They maintain these power structures for a balance that benefits the control system. There are far more people than there are influential influencers. There are far more people than there are these governing bodies and institutions that if everyone collectively today we're like, "Hey, this is fucking stupid. Let's stop subscribing to this." That shit would die. And in clawing efforts, we would see things like even the people who benefit from the power being able to see, hey, this shit is actually stupid. Let's do something else. Yeah, but there's always going to be there there will always be something someone that will take advantage of whatever the current status of the system is and that's you know very it's unfortunate but it just it is the nature of what it is but there's always these balancing forces and if we don't see God as anything else or whatever I don't even want to call it a higher power because I believe it's us like we are
 
 

00:40:28

 
Courtney Brame (Host): that even if Look at if we look at Napoleon Hill's you know explanation of the devil being negative energy and God being positive energy and these two forces cannot interact with each other directly or take from the other then neutron is the pathway of that. So, like I've come to believe God to be, you know, all of this and for us to be something that is desired and coveted by the devil and also I don't want to say like jealous by God, but like the as close of an expression to presence and positivity as possible being us as neutral beings who can step into the positive and stillness and presence or we can go into motion and negativity and uh continue to operate in that way because we're the only beings that can do that. Animals have their instincts, intuition. They can be trained by humans which makes us, you know, essentially like their god because we can control them or, you know, teach them and influence them. But for us, we have the ability to choose.
 
 

00:41:40

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And that power of choice is something that I really hope to drive home in exercise for people is that we can choose stillness, we can choose motion, we can choose positivity and presence and or we can choose negativity and absence and that's just a matter of exercising choice. Herpes gives us the opportunity to exercise choice. We can choose to give this information to people and they make the decision. uh we give them options, they make the decision and we have the option to do so or not do so, right? And there's nothing stopping us from making whatever decision we want to make for ourselves. 

Leah (Guest): For sure. And I I definitely felt at the beginning of this journey when we first um connected, I was at a crossroads after I remember opening my phone and seeing the HSV2 positive. I was in the parking lot at Amazon Fresh and I thought that I like I had this moment where I was so angry and just so frustrated and I came home and I was crying and I you know and then I talked to you and that most definitely helped.
 
 

00:42:51

 
Leah (Guest): But after that and then after the first support group I I found myself at a crossroads and I had a choice. I had a choice how I wanted to continue to exist because for me what was the hardest thing to get over is like I'm carrying this this thing this herpes right this thing around inside of me that somebody else put there that I didn't say it was okay for them to put there and so I had to reconcile that within my own mind and my own heart and then I had to make a choice is that what's going to define me or is that just another layer of me that contributes to the overall of who I am and and and that is the decision that I made. That's the choice that I made. So now I'm steeping myself back into creativity. You know, once upon a time I had on my own onewoman show. I was a solo performer. I'm a poet. I all these things um are now like bubbling up to the surface for me and it's been so long and um I don't know that I would have gotten back into this space without the diagnosis to be honest with you because I wouldn't have stopped to re-evaluate everything.
 
 

00:44:04

 
Leah (Guest): I wouldn't have stopped to um to think more about what I want and and I need to be communicating that not just assuming that as a woman I need to be able to communicate that to a partner. Um because he's not a mind reader. And and I think that that's that's that's been a huge lesson for me because I thought I was understanding things and I was clear about things, but I mean, you know, um in past relationships that's not been the case. So, I need to own that and learn that anyway. So, yeah. Yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Um and and thank you thank you for like your willingness to not just speak to your story and experience but also like sharing how this journey itself has brought you into this space like this is a more spiritual thing. Um, I'm looking here at my glossary and there's 60 words. There's 60 words from the Bible that have a biblical definition, yogic definition, and then like the language that I'm trying to learn.
 
 

00:45:14

 
Courtney Brame (Host): They all intersect is what you're saying. They all inter those three things intersect in these words. They say the same thing, right? Okay. They can be interpreted in different ways. So objectively, let's use hell for example. The biblical sense is that hell is separation from God, existential suffering, right? How often have you heard that hell is a fiery place that you go to when you die? All the time. Heaven is in the biblical sense presence with God. It's peace and joy. How often have you heard that you get that to that when you die? 

Leah (Guest): Yep. Like that's what happens when you die. The yogic definition of hell is essentially reincarnation under heavy karma, egoic bondage. So hell is your attachment to ego. So being in this plane of existence and being more so identified with that negative well that's my definition is the negative space.
 
 

00:46:18

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So if we look at if the devil and negativity are all electrons, then the atomic structure of looking at things as like an atom, we're looking at what would happen if the sun were ever to stop producing hydrogen and into helium. It would burn out. It would it would collapse and die and become a black hole. So it has essentially collapsed within on itself creating a black hole because there is no resonance. There's no purpose anymore. So it just dies. But the sun continues to live as long as it's fulfilling its purpose. And once it fulfills it purpose, I think it becomes like a a neutron star, white dwarf neutron star or some shit like that. Um, heaven, the yogic definition is higher consciousness. you're in a bliss state and it's really doing what you want to be doing and hell is doing a lot of the things that you don't want to be doing. So purpose being okay, this aligns with me.
 
 

00:47:21

 
Courtney Brame (Host): The more I do this thing, the happier I am. I found that for myself through something positive for positive people. This isn't the exclusive way that I do what I'm supposed to be doing, but it's also that this is what I want to be doing. I don't know that I knew that this was what I wanted to do right away, but it became something that the more that I do it, the more that I see these experiences of peace and contentment and you know, we can even say presence with God like not to make something positive my God, but I'm making what this is an expression of my proton, my purpose for me as the neutron to connect with, stabilize, and create this magnetism. M and resonance for electrons to fall into place. So the expression of purpose fully is what heaven is. So I'm living in heaven by that definition. And it's really about presence, being present, being present, being here aligned with purpose because I'm not sinning because I'm not drifting.
 
 

00:48:26

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And here's where boundaries come in. Your boundaries are really to keep you in that state of heaven so as not to drift too far. We're going to naturally be tempted by things outside of what it is that we're doing. But it's our responsibility to take aligned action with sin, with negativity, with that field, with the electrons. So we stay present to purpose and we notice what aligns most resonant with what signals we send off. And this is what the law of attraction even states, right? And it's that, you know, you want to be the change you want to see in the world because when our inner world is going to reflect our outer world and we we can do that in community and collectively, the support groups as people fall into this can then become something that's impactful for other ways in the world to where maybe stigma goes away. And shit if stigma goes away, what can happen with the wrongdoings of the world if we are to begin to reshape what it is, the way that we view herpes, the way that we view stigma, the way that we even view something that brought us here like a shitty relationship with God or religion or shitty views on that.
 
 

00:49:43

 
Leah (Guest): Right. Right. Absolutely. Um, yeah. And I I I think I'm slowly finding my purpose, but I definitely am finding myself. And I think I shared this with you the other night that, you know, the support groups, it's the first time that I've been in in a in a present situation with other people where I've actually felt 100% like myself. And that's never happened to me even before the herpes diagnosis, right? because I've always sort of marched to the beat of my own drummer. Um, but kept that very close to me and and I now feel like I can just be open and honest and authentic and and that authenticity is really what I've discovered um in this journey and and honestly I mean a lot of it came from just having that support call with you. Um because sex is not something I grew up talking about. It was not associated with pleasure. It was associated with an act that resulted in children.
 
 

00:50:49

 
Leah (Guest): And I am at my age, you know, 52. I'm relearning all of that, that it's okay to, you know, to to want to have sex and to feel good when you're having sex and to ask what you want during sex and to to discover and define what intimacy and pleasure and all those things are. And um and that's now becoming part of my purpose. And it's it's something that I have not, you know, externalized at all because I'm like, "Woo, I'm not supposed to talk about that out loud." So, um, yeah. So, it's it's been a it's it's been a blessing. Like I said at the beginning, it's been a blessing. And and everything that you're saying. Yeah. I mean, could you imagine could you imagine if we were in those spaces together? And and it's a chain reaction. One thing leads to the next thing leads to the next thing. And, you know, who knows where that takes everything.
 
 

00:51:39

 
Courtney Brame (Host): and and at the end of the day, you know, tossing stigma out the window about herpes would be would be a really good thing and and the work that you're doing is so important, Courtney. So, um I'm I'm beyond grateful that our paths crossed. I really am. So, yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. Um you had mentioned crossroads earlier and I saw that that was a word on here too and biblical sense. Yeah. In a biblical sense, it's a decision between God's way and the world's way. And in yoga, it's your purpose versus your ego, right? Like doing what you want to do versus doing what you yourself don't want to do. And a lot of times ego isn't what we ourselves want. But when we identify with the ego, that becomes who we are. And we think that that's what we want, right? And then the atomic thing is just the trajectory between doing what you want to do and not doing what you doing what you don't want to do.
 
 

00:52:42

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So that that world of electrons and negativity like identifying with those things those labels versus staying in your alignment. I don't like the phrase stay in your lane because staying in your lane is oftentimes not it you you have to do things that you don't want to do. Right. And you can't you can't explore this way or explore that way. You have to stay this way. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you on that for sure. Yeah. But uh I'm I'm just looking through here and I'd be so curious to see that list that you've made. I'd be so curious to see that because that's fascinating. Yeah, it's it's and I want to read the I want to read the Bible and like get this language cuz it's it's useful and I'm as I'm watching anime, I find myself more so aligning with the values of these and I see the spirituality of it and even as I talk through the atomic language, right?
 
 

00:53:46

 
Courtney Brame (Host): looking at atoms as protons, neutrons, electrons. And as we disidentify from again all of the labels and the words, essentially that's what it is. We're these fucking combinations of particles of light that have created these illusions that our beliefs hold to. And we collectively subscribe to this. If we collectively subscribe to a higher state of consciousness of a peaceful world, that magnitude would more so draw us into that. But we it's very difficult for us to do that. Um because of the division, right? We've got all these different religions that say the same shit but the interpretations of them are to to look to something external. That's what the interpretations are. You are not God. you are not able to do these things. You need to seek outside yourself. Go to a church, pray to and pay this man that's standing at the top of the pulpit who is delivering these interpretations of God's word in a way that don't quite really align.
 
 

00:54:58

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And it has its purpose. It has its value because people will take what they hear and then they'll go into the world and live accordingly. But to live that shit literally is literally killing people. 

Leah (Guest): It it it is. It is thousand percent agreed. And that's I that's why I take what I take and I leave the rest. That's just where I'm at. And it is it's it's killing people because I think the focus is on what makes us different as opposed to what makes us the same or what we have in common. Not the same because no two people are the same. But I feel like we're we're focused on the division and what what is all different about us versus what we have in common and how we align. And that's, you know, that's that's rather focus on. So yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Um so with this being all of that being said, um I think that this is this might be the religion episode.
 
 

00:55:59

 
Courtney Brame (Host): It's so interesting how shit lines up because I was like, "Oh, I'm going to make an episode on what herpes taught me about God." And for you and I, uh, I didn't really have any expectations on what we talk about. I know that, uh, you've been someone who whenever these conversations kind of go this way, right? Like they resonate for you. So, it's cool to have been able to have this free flowing conversation and hear from another person or you specifically on this platform that these are things that resonate with you. Um, I'm it's not like a curiosity thing really because I I feel like we talk, you'll be at the support group, I'll see you when we have our sessions. Um, but what is something that having herpes maybe has taught you about your relationship to God and Christianity? Is Christianity the one? 

Leah (Guest): Yeah. Yeah. Um, has it taught me about God? Um, I don't know that it's taught me anything, but it has reinforced things for me.
 
 

00:57:04

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Say more. 

Leah (Guest): Yeah. I mentioned earlier I don't believe that I don't believe in the hellfire and brim brimstone crap. Um and I wasn't really raised with it. I was more raised with the structure of things like you're supposed to fast and you're supposed to do this. It's a lot of you're supposed to supposed post supposed to um a lot of ritual right is involved in it. And there's comfort in the ritual. I, you know, there are things about the rituals that I love, but um I've always just had this sense of this can't be the only way. This can't be just how God is. And so I think what herpes has taught me is I'm not going to get struck down by lightning. Um I'm not I'm not I'm not inherently a bad person. I did not ask for this. I did not do something to deserve this. It is not a punishment.
 
 

00:57:58

 
Leah (Guest): Um, and so it's reinforced to me that God is this this beautiful, accepting, loving energy that that has um lessons that kind of manifest themselves in the universe for for people in different ways. And this was just my lesson. And that's and I needed I'm on this journey now to to learn to learn the why. um and and to take that um sort of into my heart and just kind of see what what comes up for me about it. So, it's not I don't think I've learned anything. I think it's just more I'm learning about myself, but that's reinforced herpes has reinforced for me what I have felt all along about God. And it's just bringing I think it's it sounds so weird. It's like bringing me closer. I don't know. It it it brings me closer. Um cuz I'm not hiding from it. I haven't I haven't, you know, had the discussion with many people. Um to be honest, cuz I'm still trying to sit with it.
 
 

00:59:02

 
Leah (Guest): But um and I'm I'm not in a space where I want to date right now because I'm just trying to sit with this. I'll get there. But um yeah, it's just been more reinforcing than anything, if that makes sense. It does. So my what I've learned about God hasn't come directly from herpes, but more so the experiences that came for me after my herpes diagnosis, right, than anything else.

Courtney Brame (Host): And when you did you say reinforce? Reinforce was the word that you used. I think that it's tapped me into a reminder. a reminder that I am not my diagnosis. I am not my sexuality. I am not the identity that I create alongside the relationships that I have. I'm not what when I'm dating or in the pursuit of a partner, like that's not me. I'm not the person that people create this image of me of in their in their head, in their reality, and their imagination.
 
 

01:00:07

 
Courtney Brame (Host): I am something that cannot be described as that. And what herpes I can say taught me if you know the the experiences that came after my herpes diagnosis taught me is that herpes was a reminder and it's my role to serve as that reminder to others that hey like I'm reminding you that you are beyond your herpes status. I'm a reminder that you are beyond that rejection. You're a reminder that you're beyond what that person makes you feel like. you're beyond stigma. And yeah, there's such a depth while I know depth and expansion are these two damn near opposite things, but they are so interconnected because if we look to nature, right, we look at trees, the deeper the roots, the taller the tree, right? And it's the same thing for us. So being able to go deeper into what came up for me uh regarding herpes underneath the surface has allowed for much more expansiveness in my visibility as a reminder to remind others because now like I would say since September October I think that that's when I had the most intentionality and the most clarity on myself because I was able to get a lot of shit off of me.
 
 

01:01:32

 
Courtney Brame (Host): For instance, um being in a monogamous relationship when I myself am a non- monogamous person. I was in sin in trying to go down the path of having a relationship, getting married, having a family like the quote Bible says, but that was my sin because that's not what aligns for me. I was out of alignment in doing that. And it took for me to practice being in alignment to where I was like uncomfortable because it's like this doesn't feel right. Why the fuck is everything going well? Why is this peaceful? Why is there no uh conflict? There's no inner conflict or inconsistency in my life. Oh, it's because what I was taught was not in alignment with who I am. There are people that this very much that lifestyle does align for. And I I my hope is that everybody gets what they want and that they do what they want and none of what they don't want to do. But I was doing a lot of what I don't want to do.
 
 

01:02:30

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And herpes taught me that. Even in the sexual relationship that I might have gotten herpes from, I did something that I didn't want to do. I likely had sex with someone that I knew I didn't want to have sex with. and acting out of alignment created the circumstances for something to present itself where I was able to witness, see, and focus on which was my genitals and my ability to have sex. Like that was how the God, universe, uh whatever you you believe in or don't believe in, that was how my spirituality, my identity outside of everything else had to communicate with me. Hey, you're out of alignment. Yeah. here's get here's the place that you need to get to. And the process of getting to there has just required me to do things differently and to listen to that inner voice and to find what my own rhythm is and be guided back to what you know some would call God, what yoga would call uh sattva uh that sattvic state and what you know atomic living would call your purpose like the sun making its way back to turning hydrogen into helium.
 
 

01:03:44

 
Leah (Guest): Courtney making it his way back into living within the rhythm of my own alignment. Right. And I for me that's beautifully said for me I don't know what I'm supposed to be aligned to right now when it comes to relationships. Um and that's I I've gone through you know almost 20 years of marriage and and and relationships after that and I don't I mean I just was taught monogamy. Yes. You have a question? 

Courtney Brame (Host): I shot my hand up in the air when you said that because the purpose, the alignment, right? It's not an external thing. Remember you mentioned we we talked about reminders. A fuck what was the word? Using our word reinforce reinforce, right? So reinforce meaning that it's enforcing again what you already know to be true. Right. And when we've talked, you mentioned the onewoman show and you mentioned like getting back into your creativity and it's kind of what's your agreement with life?
 
 

01:04:46

 
Courtney Brame (Host): The sun agreed, all right, no other person around. My role here is to turn hydrogen to helium and then life was sustained and created in the sense that we know it on Earth making water, the atmosphere, humanity to be able to walk on and dwell upon, right? Just as long as the sun is able to continue to make hydrogen to helium, your experience like your in your world, what is your hydrogen and what is your helium that you're putting out? So essentially, what are you creating? What is it that you're creating for yourself? Because I think I'm creating I've created am creating what it is that I would have needed at the time. And this might not be the truest expression of it. This is like one shell of it that I thought was podcasting which I've been attached to. I thought it was maybe working with people with herpes that I was so attached to. Next, the transition. the more that I peel back the layers of my purpose and you know I peel back the layers of myself and see what impact I can have it's even gone beyond that and more so into um even teaching people to have you know their own better sex lives or their own
 
 

01:06:02

 
Courtney Brame (Host): relationships that they want. But I'm learning in talking to you even that there's more to this being a reminder for people to have a relationship not with themselves but with life, right? Like we should be having we should be having the best sex we want to have ever with life. Not necessarily looking exclusively at the body, but what expressions like how are you expressing yourself just in the world? And the people aligning themselves or being drawn to your orbit are going to naturally just present themselves. They're going to be fucking magnetized to you. So that was what made me shoot my hand up was when you were saying like, "Oh, I don't know what my purpose is in or you said something about I don't know what something in relationship is, but the relationship, what was it?" 

Leah (Guest): I don't know. I don't know what my purpose in relationships are right now. Like I've I've only known monogamy. That's all. So I I don't you know when you hear the term non- monogamy or polyamorous there's all kinds of things that float through your mind that I I mean I admittedly I don't know a damn thing about it.
 
 

01:07:11

 
Leah (Guest): So I'm not going to make any assumptions about it but I mean it's yeah I think that it's I don't know what my purpose is that in that regard. I don't know where my place actually not purpose I don't know where my place is in that realm. Right. But I'm open to try and I don't know learn more about it and and just see maybe it's not for me. Maybe I am truly monogamous. I don't know. I don't know. But all of this is, you know, is what's bubbling up for me. So, you know, and now I've got a shit ton of material to write when I get up on stage again. Um, which hopefully will be sometime in the next year. So, yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Yes. Um, can I give away your homework assignment? This is this this is some pregame. Okay. So, remember we were talking about like what I want like what do I want?
 
 

01:08:02

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And we look at if we don't know what we want, look at what we have, right? And when we see what it is that we have, we wouldn't continue to engage with it if it wasn't what we want. But we also may not have had any reason to interrogate that. So, one of the homework assignments that I gave you was to look at what you have and then decide of that like what it is that you don't want or that doesn't serve you so that you can consciously choose to not engage with that anymore. And I didn't take it to like the next level yet cuz we'll talk about it when we're in session. But I think that this is some really good value. But this is a really valuable exercise for people to get more clear around what it is that they not just what you want, but who you are. Because who you are is going to be a direct reflection of what you want. And I think that that's really what if we look at religion, that's really what neutrally, objectively what it says.
 
 

01:09:02

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Be who you are and stay in alignment with who you are. And the shortcut to that is looking at your actions and asking yourself in a place of stillness, like how does this align with what I'm what I'm actually wanting? When you strip away all of that, then it's like, okay, well, what do I actually want? Like, what brings me how am I expressing myself? What do I want to do? You see people that are performers and artists and creatives, like they do shit that to us may look like expression of their purpose, but the reality is that really good actor might be really good at acting and they're just doing that so that they can actually draw pictures because that's what they enjoy doing. Like that's their form of creative expression. Yeah. Right. So to be able to connect with and identify the thing that for you becomes a reminder of it it we're we're reminders to other people. The more resonant we are with what it is that we want to do.
 
 

01:10:01

 
Courtney Brame (Host): The more aligned we are with what it is that we give whatever we make our God. aligning with that and expressing from that place, right? In alignment, it allows for you to Damn, what was I had a Oh, covenant is the one of the words on here. And in the biblical sense, it's a sacred agreement between God and humanity. In yoga, it's sacred intention that shapes life. And in like the simple atomic terms, it's just the intention or contract between what your purpose is or your proton and then the electrons, right? So all of these options of infinite potential negativity when we look at and become still and we're like listening to the inner voice which really it may not say hey do this thing. It's a feeling that we get when the right opportunity presents itself. That's the covenant, the intention of, okay, so this music that's playing from my sense of purpose, my what I view as God, it's radiating. What's most responsive to this?
 
 

01:11:11

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Ooh, that's responsive to this. Let me bring these together and keep, you know, allow for it to be in orbit. Um, and I don't mean it like we reach for, grab, and bring closer. We just recognize and we just stabilize in that point to where whatever it is serves its purpose as we begin to take uh we we shape who we are, our identity. Yeah. Uh by aligning with that stillness and we see what comes into motion. And our job is not to be so fucking drawn and attracted to that thing out there that we forget about this thing right here. And that's really what the the covenant is. It's okay. Like I choose to run something positive for positive people and in doing so like that has been historically the podcast. It is talking about sexual health. It's a yoga therapy and it's all these expressions of purpose that have brought themselves into my attention. For me the neutron to consciously engage with what is that for you?
 
 

01:12:10

 
Courtney Brame (Host): That is the question that I hope that people are able to take away from this because when you start to live from that place, you start to see that your reality reflects more of what aligns for you. And that is how we find quote salvation and we protect ourselves from sin or just misalignment because that's where the suffering is. to suffering is doing in doing shit that you don't want to be doing and not doing what you want to be doing. 

Leah (Guest): That's right. And and you and I have talked about how like trusting my gut, trusting my instincts, right? Like that's something that I very much need to work on. And you just spoke to that, right? It's that union. It's that connection. And what popped into my head was I had a my mentor, my um theater mentor who we just lost last year. He was my mentor for 30 years. my first acting class that I ever I ever took.
 
 

01:13:06

 
Leah (Guest): Um it was Meisner technique. Anyway, I remember him telling me, "If you would just get out of your own way, you'd be fine." And and that has stuck with me for my entire life. If you would just get out of your own way, you would be fine. And it's like if there was a scene on stage that, you know, where there was something intimate or there was kissing or something out like I was like, I don't know if I can do it, you know? And he's like, you've got to you're you're you're stepping in your own path. You're stepping in your own way. You're you're building your own brick wall. And so you're compromising your authenticity. And if you would just get out of your own way about it, then you would be just fine. And and I think that that's that's what you just spoke to, right? is being able to to connect the internal with the external and and that covenant and that union.
 
 

01:14:00

 
Leah (Guest): And that's ultimately how you live an authentic life in alignment. And um yeah, I mean that's the goal for me. And I I don't think I would have ever gotten to this space if if I hadn't had this huge curveball thrown at me called herpes. So that's my that's that's my that's my universal lesson. I needed this to happen to me because this is where I need to be sitting right now on this day having this conversation with you. And that would have never happened had I not in my mind made a bad choice, you know, but it it it actually was the right choice because it led me to this.

Courtney Brame (Host): So, well, let's not say bad choice, right? It was a choice that I didn't Right. It was a choice out of alignment, right? You said you said yourself that like you had things that set you off or you didn't listen to your intuition about not moving forward with this person.
 
 

01:14:58

 
Courtney Brame (Host): Super duper. First off, any grown man who says super duper to another grown individual is probably 

Leah (Guest): that's something that I know. Yeah. Like super duper. I know. God, in hindsight I'm like what was I thinking? 

Courtney Brame (Host): Um, I always tell people, you know, I'd rather it had been this because I got this before and and I learned that I might have been at the line for becoming pre-diabetic. 

Leah (Guest): Oh, yeah. I remember that. Yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): This like I would much rather have to deal with the things that I deal with with herpes, rejection, and maybe, you know, somebody not wanting to have sex with me. All right, cool. Then the issues that I understand to come with being diabetic. I know that the medications are expensive. I haven't had health insurance. Shout out to me for now having it. I do have health insurance now. Yay.
 
 

01:15:50

 
Courtney Brame (Host): But I got one that works cuz um when I first started working for myself, these people were like, "Yeah, it's $300 every two weeks." And it's like, bro, I don't even make that because I was self-employed through the nonprofit. And when I needed it, I couldn't even use it because I needed something preventive. I was just like, "Oh, I want to go get STD testing." And they were like, "Oh, that'll be this much money out of pocket." I was like, "Yeah, we're done here. We're done." So, I haven't I ain't had health issues for about three years, and I've been living so cautiously. Um, now that it's started back up, I'm about to start lifting heavy in the gym again. I might do inter mural sports. 

Leah (Guest): Good for you. That's awesome. Yeah. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Um, I know that, you know, we scheduled an hour and here we are like an hour and 20 minutes in. So, I want to be very mindful of your time and I just want to ask like is there anything um that you want to leave people with before I let you go?
 
 

01:16:46

 
Leah (Guest): Um I mean I think we've shared a lot, we've said a lot. Um I would just say that it's always a really positive thing to just be able to to pause in a moment and listen to yourself. and not um not ignore the things that are coming up for you and and remain open to any situation as hard as it may be um that you know comes into your life because you you never know what purpose it's going to serve and it could be um so incredibly painful in the moment but when you come out the other side of it depending on the choice that you make um it could be the greatest lesson you've ever learned. So, just stay open, I guess, is what I would want to leave people with. 

Courtney Brame (Host): Okay. Yeah. Um thank you. Thank you. Last thing, uh I was going to talk about the support groups, but if you have anything that you want to share, uh in your experience with the support groups, like what you got?
 
 

01:18:01

 
Leah (Guest): Yeah. Um, I I it is a space that I look forward to. It's on my calendar as far out as it possibly can be. Like I clear everything because it's it's my time. And um um what I get out of it is community. And you know, to put it in your words, common unity. I've never had that community. And this it's it's weird because it's you're a man facilitating a woman's group, right? And that I would that is so special to me and that is huge because there's you're so good at facilitating a conversation and knowing what the limit like what your limitations are and what like what we need and it's such a special space for me that I would encourage anybody to to give it a shot. I know the guys haven't been showing up, but I mean it's it's it's such a it's such a very special place where you can just listen and feel heard and find commonality with all different walks of life, all different people, all different shapes, all different colors.
 
 

01:19:16

 
Leah (Guest): They come from all different places. We're all different ages. And that's a really beautiful thing that you've created. Um, and that's really what I get out of it is I'm able to share what's going on and more importantly for me to listen. Um, and it's a space where I feel comfortable. Um, like I said, I haven't discussed this with with many people um, too actually and one stranger yesterday which was very interesting. Um, but I know that when that group that group comes up, I'm like I'm in my I have my yoga mat out. I got my incense going and I know I'm going to meet up with these really amazing people and I think about these people. Um, and I'm starting to know them by name and I remember their stories and and I know that they know my name and they remember my stories and I it's just a really special place. It's hard for me to it's hard for me to like put into words, but I what I get out of it is I I get I just get a sense of peace that I'm not alone.
 
 

01:20:16

 
Leah (Guest): I think probably the biggest thing. So, yay. Yeah, that sells it. So, uh you can visit the support groups tab at spfpp.org. The women's support group meets 1st and 3rd Monday, 7:30 p.m. Eastern time. If anything needs to change and you're on the email list, you will find out about that as much of an advanced notice as I can give. The men's group meets on the second and fourth Monday, 7:30 p.m. Eastern time. on the fifth Monday, if there is one, uh, we'll have a co-ed blended experience. I can't speak to exactly what that'll look like yet. I can't wait. I'm so excited. Yeah, I I I we'll see. We'll see because we got two more men's groups. So, um, I'm going to push that for the next couple of weeks and see how many people we can get to show up to that. Um, but the ladies show up and ours is December 11th, right?
 
 

01:21:07

 
Courtney Brame (Host): The next one is on on Thursday, right? Okay. Yep. So, if you're hearing this, it'll be Tuesday, December 9th. The next herpes support group for women is going to actually be on Thursday, December 11th, uh, 2025. So, and I know that somebody can listen to this years down the road. I don't want you to be disappointed, but as long as there are support groups, you'll be able to find it at www.spfpp.org. All right. Um, we still have the survey taking responses. Um, spf.orgpes- or herpes-servey. And yeah, we we need more responses than we have. I I'm It's so odd to me that I didn't put any effort into a survey that I put together in 2021. I had no help. It was just me asking the questions that I wanted answers to. We got,00 responses. Then, you know, I get IRB approval. I get people to proofread. I got data analysts to help me.
 
 

01:22:04

 
Courtney Brame (Host): And I think we might have it's like 70s something responses and I'm like damn. And and this has been up for a minute and I've been talking about it on the podcast. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. And I'm just like damn like what I maybe it's because I put so much love and and presence into the 2021 survey and this time like I put the professionalism into I was like, "Hey y'all the professionals. What do y'all need from me? I'mma give it to y'all." And now like it's it we can actually run reports and s***. We can see what age, what race, sex, like we can set these filters and pull that information and get statistics. So we have the ability to get this great information, but we don't have enough a good enough sample size. How many sample size? What sample size do you want? It's we can get up to however many but I was thinking that at least we'd have a thousand people by now because I think yeah I think over a very short period and in 2021 the algorithm was different more of my content was shown to people than it is now like I'll post a story to my Instagram story and maybe like 40 people will see it right now and in the past it's been hundreds at least um of people that would see oh okay Courtney's got a survey and then people would see
 
 

01:23:21

 
Courtney Brame (Host): it share it and So, even as I'm closing out the podcast, I'm I'm leaning towards just not really utilizing social media either because people are finding the website and I want to do more of that and I want to be more hands-on with the support groups and being able to bring more offerings to the people who are here and invested and to do more of the speaking opportunities. I've stopped applying for grants and I have a huge huge donation coming that's going to support me in creating examples of what it's like to talk about sexual health with partners to be able to hire um actors and to be able to create the videos to where maybe you see someone on a date and they get to the point where they're finishing their food and somebody's like, "Hey, let's get up out of here and go back to my place." and them having that conversation there. Them having the conversation maybe when clothes are on or clothes are off or maybe they're like getting up out of the bed the next morning and someone has like a hasha tell them one of those moments.
 
 

01:24:23

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So I want to be able to create these scenarios for people to see real time, hey here's what this can look like. Yeah. So that they have the option of being able to move forward how they want to. And that's invaluable. Your work is invaluable. It really is. So, thank you for doing it and keep keep it up, please. Thank you. Yeah. All right, y'all. So, that concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. Please still like, rate, review, share, subscribe to this podcast. I don't know if there's going to be a season 2. I know that at this point, like I feel the most complete with the podcast and it's it's time to move forward to other things. Um, I don't know what episode 400's going to be about now that I know that this one is uh more of that. No, we good. I think that this was better than me just talking at the audience about this because I would probably have made this a two-hour podcast episode of just me talking easily.
 
 

01:25:16

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So, I don't know. I'll probably do something else. Um, but yeah, my gratitude to you for being a guest. my gratitude to all the guests that I've had and for all the support that I've been getting and the people who will maybe hear this and decide, damn, you know, I want to talk more about God or spirituality or the universe or even atheism, right? like whatever background you have, let's let's talk about it because I think that the atomic living is a fit for it's like the raw material, the raw language of all of what we would consider to be religion, whether it be the Bible or from yoga or like in my case, I say like anime for me has given me what I think the Bible might have been useful for, which is just a guide on how to live a whole life and how to experience heaven while we're here in this phase. So, the more of us that we can get to that place, I think the the happier I think we'll have of the world and the more peace that we'll experience collectively.
 
 

01:26:17

 
Courtney Brame (Host): So, I'm doing that through herpes, baby. Let's go. There you go, baby. All right. All right, y'all. Till the next episode, which will be 400. Stay present. T

Transcription ended after 01:27:05