SPFPP 400: What Herpes Taught Me About Authenticity - Part 1
Finally! We celebrated me closing out the 400th podcast episode it took me damn near 3 months to record, only for me to realize I’m not closing it out after all. My options for getting these resources out there are limited given social media has not been kind to anything I have to talk about, however, the website has been booming given the care and attention I’ve given to it. Last month we had almost 80 scheduled support calls, this month halfway through February, we’re at 40, so I’m busy, but I think instead of replacing the podcast with the support groups, it’s time I give much less energy to social media instead. The podcast has served several major purposes including remaining connected to the community by bringing people in to share their experiences, letting people hear from others, and I think most of all, it’s been another outlet of expression as an extension of me. Last year things were chaotic for the first half of the year. I’d say I got some solid footing in August/September 2025 and now I have a firm rhythm of running SPFPP, working part time, wrapping up Yoga Therapy Training, and my romantic life. This is part 1 of what herpes taught me about authenticity, where I just share about some changes that happened in a way that hopefully makes sense to ya’ll listening. Apologies in advance for the audio. My mic was never plugged in and when I noticed it, I lost track of my point so I ended the episode shortly after haha. Anyways, welcome back!
SPFPP Episode 400 Transcript
00:00:00
Courtney Brame: Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization serving people who are navigating herpes stigma. And um I'm finally getting around to recording episode 400. It's February 17th, 2026, and I've been promising this since December. Um and I I want to take accountability. I want to take accountability on saying I was going to do something and then not doing it because I very much am the kind of person who I do what I say I'm going to do and really there's no excuse. Um, a lot of things have been happening. I have been really, really busy with in a good way. In a good way. Just for perspective, in 2025, we had 277 support call signups that I've tracked. Um, and more than half of those came after July. And 2026 for January, we had 78 or 77 support call signups. And that was for the month of January. I want to say about 10 to 15% of people sign up don't show up.
00:01:35
Courtney Brame: I get a couple like troll people who take the time to fill out the support call form and then I contact them and they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. So I can only assume somebody probably signed up for them. They don't know anything about it, but it is what it is. And for the month of February, uh, roughly 40 people have signed up for support calls. And that just speaks to one avenue of how busy I've been. I'm also in yoga therapy training. I'm almost done. I have two more class modules to complete and then I have a 50hour project that I have to kind of create on my own. And I'm thinking of putting something together for how um I've been using yoga therapy with clients to support them through herpes. Um in addition to that, I still work part-time teaching the genital exams. I'm a male urological teaching associate for a bunch of different schools across the city, New York Cityish. I don't want to say the state cuz like anything I can't get to within three hours, I don't know if I I ain't got it in me to to do any travel beyond that.
00:02:47
Courtney Brame: But yeah, in addition to that, like I've been dating and I came to some hard realizations very very recently. Um that I'll talk about that in this podcast episode. Um in addition to that, I'm a W2 employee of Something Positive for Positive People, which I should have been over the last nine years, but you know, timing is everything. And now um I'm officially registered in the state of New York. They took the money from the check that I had to write to fill out the registration paperwork. So a lot of what I've been doing is taking the time that I would say about five hours a week is what goes into a podcast if you go and factor in not just the recording and editing, but if I'm doing it with a guest, I have to do outreach. I got to make sure that they're on the same page. I got to also make sure to create marketing materials to make it worth their time to promote on the website and whatever social media platforms and then uploading.
00:03:48
Courtney Brame: I don't edit. I should but editing typically in my experience for every 15 minutes of content there's about an hour of editing that had gone into that at the time. Um but I it's just me so I think that I'm able to save a lot more time. But with that 5 hours a week, I've had to I've been able to do a lot of admin stuff. I've been able to go back and backtrack and revise things on the website, which I think has really contributed to the momentum we've been building. Um, in terms of having people finding the website, there have been a lot of people who have found something positive for positive people immediately after their diagnosis. So, within days, even leaving the doctor's office, reaching out and say, "Hey, you know, how the results are coming." the results are coming and my doctor told me to look for a support group. Um, and that's another thing I've been able to do. The first and third Mondays of each month I have the women's support group which I lead and then there is the men's support group uh the second and fourth Monday of the month.
00:04:49
Courtney Brame: All of these are 7:30 p.m. Eastern time. And if there's a fifth Monday, the group's co-ed and I bring somebody in to share their experience and answer whatever questions people might have. Um, I've been given some opportunities to speak. Uh, we have the STARS workshop where I'll be responsible for the sexual health portion uh with Dr. Evelyn Dcker that's happening in Portland, Oregon on March 7th. If you're interested, hit me up, let me know. Um, I will be doing some traveling while I'm out there on the West Coast. I might as well. So, I'm going to go visit some friends and um make some time to do some things I really want to do. Um, and it'll be March, so it should be warming up. I want to say it's been a lot of snow out here on the east coast and in Brooklyn. Um, so I'm looking forward to escaping from some of that. I have the National Sex Ed Conference, which is actually next week. I present on the 25th, which is talking about how we can minimize her statement.
00:05:46
Courtney Brame: It's kind of my thing when I go to these presentations now. And I actually made uh not a PowerPoint, but I made it in Canva. So, I got slides now. looking real professional. I got some feedback from presenting at Coppen State University last year. Shout out to the uh Title N coordinator there. I don't know how people feel about me using my name, so I'm going just say that. If you want to go find her, good luck. Go ahead. Go for it. Um but yeah, she gave me some really good feedback and some of that feedback was to make a presentation and it landed really, really well. last year, uh, the first half of the year, I said this a few times, but the first half of 2025 was not going to be. And I just passed the one year mark of where uh, my relationship, you know, ended, you know, verbally, I want to say, cuz, you know, it's still like the time period where you think, you know, somebody might be getting back together or whatever.
00:06:42
Courtney Brame: So, uh, I had some tough feelings come up for myself over that week. Um, what was today? Yeah, it was a little bit about a week and a half ago that uh I was hitting the anniversary and during that time like I recognized some high emotionally intense and charged feelings and I tried to, you know, set that aside from the other things that I had going on. But um I recognized that was still something that had affected me and yeah I I did some work around that for myself and ultimately came to the realization that I'm people are wrong about me. I can't I can't listen to what other people say about me because I let myself be very impressionable in the sense that uh both I let both my ex and my therapist tell me I was something I'm not. They both were like, "Yeah, you're polyamorous." I'm like, "No, that doesn't fit." And then in accepting that identity and that label for myself, I think that I started to act in a way that I believe to be polyamorous.
00:07:58
Courtney Brame: But also coming out of the relationship where if you think you're going to be with somebody for the rest of your life, right? Like I think that maybe you there's a cord cutting type thing that needs to happen where there's also time to recalibrate yourself otherwise what will happen is what happened with me where anybody who came into the picture immediately after like not just the breakup but like the time that I thought was enough time before I started dating anybody. I gave myself three months of grieving um from the time that the relationship ended before I saw anybody else. And then I was still finding myself treating people the same way, like treating people like in a relationship and not doing a lot of the things that people do when they're dating someone or when they're getting to know somebody new. And it took me until literally mid January to realize, oh, that's what I'm still doing. And when I had that realization, I started to do some research. I reached out to a relationship coach. Shout out to Cat.
00:09:14
Courtney Brame: Uh she's a polyamorous uh dating coach. And I was like, "Hey, I don't think I'm polyamorous. I really don't believe that to be the case. And so we got into it like she had some graphs for me. She had some language for me. And one of the things that she pointed out to me was that uh something worth looking into and working on is appropriate distances with people uh between like your immediate circle and then you've got like your communities, your friends, friend groups, family, and then further outside of that like um people that you associate with, right? This is where you would have like casual relationships. And I've been looking at atoms. Know I had to bring it up. And that that makes sense because there's the nucleus of the atom where this is where your core closest values, beliefs are. And then the second shell which is where like that's more community, friends and whatnot. Uh I believe this is where like your consistent behaviors exist. And then shell three is like the testing ground for new things, new people and how you engage with the world.
00:10:27
Courtney Brame: and the reality reflected around you uh from that's based off of your inner world like your outer world is reflective of your inner world. So looking from a we're looking at the third shell of an atom as a reality real world picture of what's happening in your internal world. So if there's inconsistencies between your nucleus, which is your behaviors and then your beliefs and your identity, then the 3D world will show you a picture that you're kind of like, wait a minute, that that's weird. That's inconsistent. And that that that's been the case for me um over some time. And I couldn't speak to it because I know at the time like coming out of that relationship, I was on rebound for a minute. And so any relationship that would have come to fruition through that, there was not a grounded version of me that was sustainably going to be in any of those kind of connections or relationships. And I ended up seeing people who do also identify as polyamorous. And when I came to the realization that maybe that's not me, I think that what I did was appropriately and quickly give that information especially because I know that that kind of thing is important to people.
00:11:47
Courtney Brame: Like some conversations that we've had is like as a polyamorous person you shouldn't date monogous people or they only date non- monogous people or only date polyamorous people. So, and having these conversations for me, it was like a real celebratory thing to like have some clarity around my identity, recognizing who I am, what makes me up, who I'm not, and where these inconsistencies are for me. And when I presented those to the people around me, I don't know if it was in my presentation, the timing, or what, but I got a lot of like not what I expected. Let's just say that. And I take responsibility for um I guess it can feel like maybe using people that that that's the closest thing like there was guilt initially because first off I didn't expect for the reactions that I got to the reactions that I got. But in hindsight and in talking to people, what ended up happening was I go I went from my relationship thinking that I had enough time to, you know, be single or like be by myself and with what was happening for me and entering into these relationships under the identity of polyamorous and that that that means different things to different people.
00:13:08
Courtney Brame: But I adopted this label that that didn't align with me and I only did it because this is what other people told me. Credible people, right? Someone that I thought I was spending the rest of my life with as a partner and then my therapist who I've been working with for five years, right? So entering the world of dating now being like, hey, I'm polyamorous. There were people who, you know, that became close and I want to say like grounded me like really grounded because I was not okay. I was I can use the word depressed in this context because like I I'm not somebody who believes in attaching the identity to um these things that aren't identifiers, right? you can be depressed and identify in that way or you can have depression or you can have had depression. Right? So the more accurate articulation of this is that I had depression and it looked very different than what I think um it can look like for a lot of other people. And that depression didn't just it didn't start when the breakup happened in February.
00:14:22
Courtney Brame: It didn't start when the the reality of all right, this relationship's over. Like that's that's it. It didn't start at the point of um realizing, okay, like I'm I'm happy and I'm able to be myself now. It was almost like little little itty bitty. It was like death by a thousand paper cuts, right? because even at that time uh my great-grandmother went to the hospital, my college roommate had passed away. I shortly after like my home was destroyed by a tornado which ultimately ended up being a blessing for me in the long run. Uh but these were things that were happening in my life that really f****** rocked my world and disoriented me. And I ain't even had time to process those things because all you know the while I'm still trying to make sure to sustain this right like this vehicle of my passion my purpose and the thing that has in fact kept me grounded to some extent over the last nine years now and I I wasn't fit to manage it in the way that it has been managed over time like throughout the years of it being consistently a podcast, a space where people can come and get herpes information, etc. And that was because I was all over the place.
00:16:00
Courtney Brame: I was not grounded. I was very much like I didn't have a job technically. I wasn't working. I I did work but I I wasn't carrying that same momentum from something positive for positive people and in fact I also um you know previously I was really locked in and focused on the men's emotional wellness work through uh self which was a nonprofit that I had started you know while in my previous relationship and I was ready to abandon this s***. I was ready to leave something positive alone, right? And do that full like fully and things were working out to where it could have happened, but it didn't it didn't work out. And I I had gotten to a point where I realized I was spread thin and I had to make some decisions. And in making those decisions again, all of this stuff happening in the background, the undercurrent things, I ended up, you know, losing that relationship. I lost, you know, the what self was. I lost my identity. Um, and yeah, I I lost I lost the community as well.
00:17:16
Courtney Brame: the guy. And in hindsight, you know, I recognize that the sex education space is primarily not all the way straight women at least. And I'm one of very few heterosexual men that are in that space. And the identity aspect of it, uh, I think, you know, it came down to at the end of the day, I'm a straight man. So like if somebody got to get elbowed out of the space, you know, between, you know, selecting from two people who I guess like I I don't know what the narrative is, but if there was any issues with Courtney, um it's like a was chosen. And so now having lost that community too, there was so much of a loss of identity despite having learned so much from it. And I'm I will forever be grateful for the opportunities I came like I'm a co-author in a book. I I get to put that I presented at various conferences on my resume. Um I have the experience and language of being able to be a much more supportive person and resource to populations of people that I otherwise would never have had exposure to.
00:18:32
Courtney Brame: I've also had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun connecting with people. Like I got had some great relationships and uh sexual experiences as well as career opportunities. So yeah, it it there was a lot of there was a lot of loss. There was a lot of grief and grief is not linear. That's one of the things Antonio say as one of my yoga therapy instructs instructors. Um, and all the while still trying to like I still had things that I had to do, but I could only do what was right in front of me at the time. And I I look up now and it feels like I'm just waking up from that f****** nightmare of an experience. Mind you, stuff still had to happen. Like I got to New York and I think I was just on autopilot. I was on autopilot from July, s***, probably through August, September. And that's where I think things started to really ramp up for me. And the reality of, yo, you doing this s***, man.
00:19:40
Courtney Brame: I remember in 2023, I said to myself, I was like, I'm moving to New York. I'm moving to New York. I was coming out here for things with the health departments and documentary showing and screening. And there was uh there were a handful of things that were happening out here and I was like, damn, you know, if I come out here and like just put this here, what could happen? And I'm I'm experiencing that and it doesn't look nearly as clear as I anticipated when I was making the decision prior, but it looks the way that it has to look. I'm now in a place where uh being forced into like not having that support, that community, that foundation. I got to build my own like and I I I I lost people. I lost people as a result of that breakup. And you know, one thing that I'll say that I learned, you know, from that relationship ending is like she used to say, "Everybody ain't your friend." and tying into my relationship coaching uh call where she was like, "Hey, you need to appropriately place people." I was like,
00:20:50
Courtney Brame: "Damn, that statement makes a lot more sense now." So is is interesting to be able to receive the same kind of information from a place of having had experiences and then developed a little bit more maturity now and having been away from a place that yeah a lot of my identity was interconnected with that space and I used to believe that I needed to have like my own separate identity from something positive for positive people. Um because it felt like that was making up who I am. But the reality is like it's the other way around like who I am. Like something positive is an extension of Courtney. And I was letting people get into my head about you know Courtney being an extension of something positive for positive people. That a that ain't the case. And I as I you know go back to just everything that was going on at that time. Yeah. Like I I looked up and was just in relationships after being so ungrounded. Finally receiving some type of grounding to be able to settle myself into this new found space that I'm in. being in New York, uh, being a full-time employee of my own nonprofit organization now and managing all of that, navigating that and the growth like the growth that has happened since sitting my ass down in a place that aligns in an environment that aligns with my identity as I mean I'm I'm f****** different.
00:22:28
Courtney Brame: Like I'm adjacent to a lot of spaces and there is no you know people say the herpes community like the herpes community is is like it's like if you have a lighter and you're flickering the lighter and it's just not catching flame whereas you have the sex positive community that you know you light that you know what it is there's a fire there community fire there rope LGBT uh black men right you have all of these things that have a longlasting fire right Whereas for me with the herpes community, it's just like a constant flickering, right? Maybe people show up to things online. Maybe people sign up and show up to things that are in person. Maybe people, you know, engage and maybe people want to do the advocacy thing. And I feel like I was part of a fire, especially in the sex education space, uh, until, you know, recent events. Um, and so even in that, I felt the same way about polyamory. I felt the same way about like even being an ally to the LGBT community.
00:23:33
Courtney Brame: Uh even with like ropes and more recently like I'm getting into dance classes. I've been going to Zoo classes for about six months now and getting a lot more comfortable with that. Like it feels that everything that I'm making effort to involve myself with like just doesn't catch. And I I was listening to or I was scrolling Instagram and Shan Budram did a podcast with I think one of Nick Cannon's wives or ex-wives, but she made a comment. She was like, "Uh, Nick isn't polyamorous." He She was like, he always says, "To label me is to disable me." I felt that s*** in my soul. And I was like, damn. you know, I'm not a and even I I've been hanging out with people who are in like the Burning Man community as well, which I always have, but I never felt like a burner myself. He was like, "You're one of us." I was like, "I can't say that." Like, I'm adjacent to y'all. Like, I enjoy, you know, hanging out with y'all doing what it is that we do.
00:24:29
Courtney Brame: Like, it's real cool. Like, I enjoy experiencing this. But that's y'all culture. and having to having gotten to this point like I realized that my my own identity, my own culture, the there's is a very interesting intersection of adjacencies that have combined to make me who I feel like I am. And I can't I can't put that into the language. like I can't put into language you know these are my identifiers this is what I believe in and this is what I stand for like I believe that through the thing that aligns for me like taking something positive for positive people like this as an extension of me it goes beyond supporting people living with herpes it goes beyond the mental health piece it goes beyond the yoga like this in itself is a literal example of taking the negativity of a herpes diagnosis and creating something with that. Like I've said this in past episodes, uh positive definition is uh it means presence. The word negative just means absent like or infinite potential, right?
00:25:49
Courtney Brame: Like it's a negative charge, but positivity and negativity are drawn to each other, right? These two forces they attract but they never completely merge. So these to me are two complimentary forces to each other that when in safe proximity like there's the opportunity to do something with them both. And this is a perfect example of what happens when you take negative and positive and you apply your consciousness, your awareness, the power of choice to put them in like a dance. So the way that negativity works is like negativity represents motion. It's constantly moving and positivity represents stillness and it's like a a a song. It's like a constant hum that electrons are or negativity is drawn to and it's when we bring our awareness to this music. Think about like the constant and you know we got that as the proton which is still the neutron or the electron which is constantly in motion and the neutron which is a neutral force that's us our power of choice and where we put our awareness. It's almost like we we give a rhythm to that.
00:27:05
Courtney Brame: So if the protons going and we come in and we like we muffle that or amplify it. So we change it to a right. The electrons which are constantly in motion, the negativity will align in an orbit that naturally is created by the forces of nature that I will not go all the way into, but I've been I've been reading up on this s*** and it's been existing in that way where I am the neutron force that that has been focusing more on stillness. Like my mantra has become do nothing and the things that are in motion to the rhythm of that stillness orbit in the way that like atoms have electrons in their orbit. Right? And that's been the way that I've been living my life and getting myself out of that depressed state that I was in and being able to align myself in an environment that nurtures my nature. And that'll be something that y'all will probably hear me say a lot more later down the road. But the the ultimate goal here is that what something positive for positive people does is it nurtures my nature as an extension of who I am.
00:28:33
Courtney Brame: Me being able to infinitely pour myself, my presence, my resources, time, money, energy, attention, all of that into this space, it's like giving a rhythm to that constant hum of positivity, of stillness, right? Um Napoleon Hill in the book outwitting the devil. In the book the devil describes himself as all negative energy or the negative portion of the atom which is the electron. So that's the devil and God being the positive force positivity the proton and as the neutral force neutron we stabilize the proton and basically give rhythm to the song that it's singing because it can't move like the proton can't move but the electrons can and so they get into orbit and it's like a dance is happening like there's a I'm a DJ of my life and the awareness and attention that I give to the positive makes the negative fall in line that aligns because that's infinite potential for energy expression. When I was going through everything that I was going through, my negative force was not singing the song. It wasn't DJing. It was it left the turntable and was just dancing with everything out of whack and all over the place.
00:29:52
Courtney Brame: And that's where disorder and chaos came from because it's almost like there's a blind relationship between positivity and negativity that when the neutron is able to stabilize the atom and we bring our awareness to the positive and we're present right it's almost like the nucleus solidifies and those orbits become real for the negative energy to be able to orbit and the negative energy becomes and a a visual expression of that positive energy that otherwise wouldn't be able to directly engage with each other. So, it's like they're on two different planes of existence, the pro the positive energy and then the negative energy. And that's a neutral force. We create a bridge for those two to interact in a way that allows for the proton to do what it does, which is to be powerful and express and for the electrons to do what they do, which is constantly move, but to give them purpose and emotion. And that's that's been my saving grace. I ain't going to say like I was I wasn't suicidal or anything like that, but I was lost.
00:31:01
Courtney Brame: I was stuck. I was stagnant. And the more that I started to uh look into that relationship of Adams, like I start to see that there's a star metaphor in that. Like what stars do is the same thing that I'm describing for Adams and the same thing for people. For me, uh as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, everything else falls into place. And sometimes that looks like doing nothing and just taking in aligned action and choosing what it is that I engage with and not chasing. And in that I find myself like experiencing a lot more peace, a lot more pleasure, a lot more contentment, and a lot more just rhythm. Like there's there's a rhythm to life that I think that I found. And I I learned what the purpose of this s*** is for myself. This may not be true for you. I want to project my s*** on to you. But if you look at the atom's purpose, like it's to achieve maximum evolution with minimal waste.
00:32:06
Courtney Brame: So minimal effort, maximum uh potential is reached. And there's an evolution process that occurs, right? Like you take in what's useful, you get rid of what's not useful. And our engagements with people, things, opportunities, challenges, obstacles, we evolve from those things. And our identities change. we grow and develop and evolve. And that's where I find myself now having looked up and been like, damn, you know, I've been wearing these layers and identities and s*** that actually, I guess, doesn't serve me anymore. It doesn't align. And there's still like piece of me that wants to repay my debt. Like the universe is big on balance. So, I'm a firm believer in karma, and it feels like sometimes the decisions that I make are ones that come from a place of uh of like wanting to be ahead of the curve on karma. Like, I want to proactively like put this out there and do the right thing, do what's good. But God, the universe, they don't reward what's right. They don't punish what's wrong.
00:33:26
Courtney Brame: What it is about is alignment, right? You get rewarded for evolving with and not wasting energy. Like it can't be created or destroyed. You're given it. You're put in an environment and what you do in that environment is what nature rewards in in turn. So the environment of me getting herpes and you know creating something like this from that is ultimately like my experience with what I'm saying here of taking the negative and turning it into uh a vehicle for something positive like giving it an outlet. So it's more than that as you know just a platform for people with herpes. It's literally an extension of me and how I engage with the world. Like I will take something negative and produce something positive. Um that s*** don't work for people. So I I can't I can't save people. And that's another lesson that I've learned um as a result of 2025. And I think that not appropriately placing people has put me in consistent positions where you know I view people as you know people and and at the core of that like the nature of the thing is more important than the form of a thing.
00:34:47
Courtney Brame: So the energy the essence of a person like I see that and want to be supportive in that but also people are people and you can't save everybody. You can't save nobody. All you can do is, you know, offer presence, be there with them, and let them be who they are. And I I'm learning just the importance of that authenticity because when you are authentic, you do things that align. Your behaviors, your beliefs align, and the reality that is around you aligns too. And whenever there's any inconsistencies, you can approach those with curiosity and make whatever necessary adjustments that need to be made. And for me, I think that the the last few shedings of layers before I can like really see this s*** boom like I know it's supposed to is looking at where energy is inauthentically being wasted or leaking. I I don't want to call it a waste, but where it's leaking. And I was doing that with like trying to sustain and maintain like these super long long-distance relationships with people that, you know, I felt like I owe for being there for me at the time where I was I was down.
00:36:04
Courtney Brame: Like I was f****** down. And yeah, it feels s*****, but like also being nice is kind of what what what got me into this situation. like listening to other people and not being like, "Hey, that don't that don't feel right. I'm not going to do that." And boundaries are another thing that came up as an issue in my last relationship. So, like she she was right about some things and some of those things have resurfaced even a year later. And on one hand, it's like, damn, have I really not changed? And on the other hand, it's like, damn, yo, this is really who I am. And that in being able to present that like people be able to see me for who I am and take me as I am but also to me I have to live that s*** and be forthcoming about like hey this is what's important to me like my work through something positive for positive people. If it's not this, if they cure herpes tomorrow, there will be something else that comes out of my there will be something else that comes out of me as an extension of me.
00:37:10
Courtney Brame: And I I've I've been a very like nonattached, like not jealous person, but when I I give a f***, like I give a f***. I care. And this is a thing that I care about. And I've I've let myself, you know, get to a place where I've been with a person or with people uh the people who were there for me and like my capacity to give to them was like infinite because I wasn't doing this. I wasn't having 70 support calls in a month. I wasn't uh having to do my yoga therapy class. I wasn't going to work and do the genital exam sometimes like I had I had that s*** three days in one week like two weeks ago I think I think it was two weeks ago three days in one week that is unheard of I usually do three days a month and prioritizing like maintaining this self sustainability prioritizing uh making an effort to build community and I was doing this s*** backwards because like to me I wanted to just pick up where I left off and being in the kind of relationship that I uh that I had and and I was working towards because it was almost like yes, we we f****** beat the game, but let's go on side quests together.
00:38:26
Courtney Brame: And the reality is like that that wasn't the case. And looking back now, like I I can see there have been people that I've seen who like they wanted Future, but I gave him Drake. And and what I mean by that is like they just wanted something a one-time thing, a casual hookup, and then I like gave them lover boy Courtney um who was in a relationship. So it was just like the residuals of not having not not severed the ties because that that doesn't that doesn't align but like having to get out of that mode of this is how I engage with a person that I call partner and this is also how I engage with a person I call friend and this is how I engage with a person that I do work with. Like I believe in treating people, you know, the way that I want to treat people. But what I've learned is that the discernment is important, right? Like keep people, you know, where they rightfully belong. Um, and that's something that I've only just now learned, too.
00:39:33
Courtney Brame: Uh, you let people get closer as they earn the right to be closer and don't just start people out with 100% trust. Like, and that's a hard thing for me because that's what I've done. Like, that's who I have been in, you know, a more recent relationship, right? Like she told me she's like, "We got to go now. What are you doing?" I was like, "What you mean?" Because to me that was just my normal. And that normal that that s*** don't work that that s*** don't always work and apply to everybody. So I'm I'm I'm sharing this because people been asking me like, "How you been?" And now I'm at a good enough place to where this experience is something that I think highlights one of the points that I've made over the years is that this s*** going on way bigger than I got herpes and I I'm scared of rejection. I don't want to have to tell anybody because I'm scared of rejection. That's what you scared of? I get it.
00:40:34
Courtney Brame: Right. We we get newly diagnosed and you know our world turns upside down. we don't know what's what. But also, man, like that can be a reason, an excuse to not look at other things that could be more prevalent, more so impacting you. And in my case, like, yeah, the the herpes wasn't an issue in the relationship. It wasn't an issue about college roommate passing. It wasn't an issue in the movie, the tornado. It wasn't an issue in any of the relationships uh that I was in. But the real issue was for me like what comes to mind again like there's two things I want to speak to. one is uh I guess maybe self-sabotage in a way, but I can remember when I was like 12, 13 years old, my friend Nick uh rest in PT, he actually passed away um during the Joplin tornadoes uh Joplin, Missouri tornadoes uh years ago. And like that's something that was heavy on me because it's like, yo, I lost like one of my two best friends from childhood to a tornado.
00:41:41
Courtney Brame: like we had lost contact as we just got older and went got into high school. When I found that out, I was like, damn. But I remember he was dating this girl and he he was a year older than me. He was like my big brother and he had put me on her sister. And so we were talking, we dated, texted and all of that. And we finally got to meet go to the movies, right? So this was we go to the movies and she comes around the corner. I see her and I just f****** take off running. I just I took off running. I I was I don't know what it was, but I ran, right? And so that's one part of this that I wanted to share. Uh because the the reason that I'm bringing that up is this is like the first time that I can really, you know, gauge a relationship with women and that I've have been relationships with women. And another piece of that is that there was a distance, but then boom, we got too close in proximity.
00:42:40
Courtney Brame: Like here you are, like tangible. I could see you, put my hands on you, touch you, hug you, and I f****** run. It was like, no, this is too close. And I had a recent experience with with that as well, like literally two days ago, three two three days ago, where we got too close. I just I found a reason to be like, "This ain't for me. This ain't for me." And There's something to be said for there being like a safety and proximity and distance too because like a longer distance relationship cuz 12year-old me I'm I'm three times that age. I can live not the 12 year old but through the 24 year old and now through the 36 year old. Um, and I still see how that manifests now in adulthood where it's now not about I guess it is still physical but like in those short spurts of time like the the distance is is good and yet not sustainable. But like the intensity of a compact bit of time together is like it's great.
00:43:49
Courtney Brame: It's perfect. we part ways and we get back to doing our own thing or whatever. And that's been something that has been safe for me, but also not sustainable, right? And the other component of this is as it relates to uh as it relates to herpes. I don't know if I'm trying to like force this in there, but I'm I'm sharing this because the relationship piece of how I engage with women or have engaged with women, partners, relationships is still rooted in what it was that made me run, right? like when you get too close to something that maybe maybe it would have been a fit, right? Like I don't know, I'm f****** 12 13 years old, but to still have that same behavior as a 12 13 year old boy playing out at 37 years old now, uh the the distance becoming a safety is now like a barrier that I have to actively disrupt because I don't I don't want that to be the case. I don't want to put myself in a position where I have to sustain emotional connection, physical connection and all of that with longterm long-distance relationships.
00:45:07
Courtney Brame: And I I see that like there's a way to do that, but you can't like bring somebody so close. And in my case, the phone calls every day, falling asleep on the phone at 12, 13 years old. Uh the I don't think we text, we just talked to each other like all the time. And then like when it came down to, you know, physical in person and like now it's real, it was like, nope, I like the fantasy better. And that's that's a thing that I feel like has more weight to it than just being scared to tell somebody you got her or you know what what comes with that. And as I as an adult now, excuse me, and seeing myself like ready to end these relationships and looking at it, the fact that like okay, like polyamory never really was a fit for me, there was something else that was there that did fit. I think that parts of polyamory that works were like being able to have that safety of a distance and then maybe when things get too close or too intimate and it now requires more of a sacrifice in order to sustain or bring in more closeness perhaps that's what it is that made me feel like hey like I I'm I'm not doing this like it it's not that I can't it's just that it was sustainable for me when I didn't have anything else going on because at 12 13 years old that's also when I started playing football
00:46:41
Courtney Brame: and what I gave to football is synonymous to what I pour and give into something positive for positive people. And even at that time when I was poor into football, like I couldn't keep I couldn't keep people off me. Like I I had legs on me. But they wanted from me what I gave to football. And it was when I gave them what I gave to football that that started to suck. Like that started to be sacrificed. And I see a very direct parallel now. three three three 12 year cycles since then that the thing that makes me attractive to potential partners is the passion the sense of duty and commitment that I have to this and what comes of this or what what's born out of something positive for positive people the flashiness the the the light that it emits and the the gravity that it holds like that s*** becomes attractive And I'm learning that in order for me to continue to sustain this kind of thing, like I gotta I got to say no.
00:48:00
Courtney Brame: Like I got to be like I can't give you this. I can't give you what I give to this. And the amount of like I talked again, nature, nurture your nature, right? This nurtures my nature. And I was presented s*** last night with somebody that I was seeing um a conversation about like she asked she was like, "Oh, so you treat everybody as good." She's like, "I thought I was special. You just treat everybody like this." I was like, "Yeah, like why wouldn't I? Why why not be kind to everybody?" Right? Like I don't think I mislead people. I think that I do a good job of communicating verbally. Hey, here's what's going on. Here's what's happening. Here's where I stand. Uh what about you? I'm going to check in. In fact, like that's got me in trouble a few times. Like I say, sex positivity has f***** me up because a lot of that s*** is kind of like doing karate versus somebody who street fights or somebody who has a gun on.
00:48:56
Courtney Brame: Let's say that, right? Doing karate don't work with people who do karate. If you run into somebody, you trying to do a karate fight with somebody got a gun on them or a knife or a weapon of any sort, all that karate s*** go out the window. And it's been the same way for me like navigating going out to a club for instance, right? Like I've been going out by myself. I've been trying to get comfortable dancing and like I went to a place that played like hip-hop, R&B, Afro beats and I I I I'm watching interactions and the s*** that flies in the vanilla world in these spaces don't fly in the sex positivity, right? Like I'm watching dudes like grab grab women like, "Hey, come here mom. Let me talk to you." And they receptive as f*** to it. And I'm sitting there like, he about to get cancelled. It's like, oh, I could never do this. I was like, what the f*** are you talking about? Like this this I I grew up with this.
00:49:44
Courtney Brame: So now like I have a balanced awareness of when that's okay, when that's not okay, and understanding like it's the environment has so much to do with, you know, has so much more influence on things. And so me shifting into an environment where my nature is nurtured, like my real nature, I ain't talking about like the performative is not the right word. Uh but people will talk about like performative man who can do the emotional intelligence s***. And like I think that I'm a genuine person. I think that I present from a place of where I'm at and when I'm talking about things like I'm talking about them genuinely like I'm using the language because I of being respectful. Uh so it doesn't feel like I'm coming from a place of being performative. It feels like a place where it's like how do you calibrate being adjacent to, you know, queer culture and then like having to go back into like the hip-hop culture, which is like very counterintuitive to be someone who's in between those two, especially as a straight black man who grew up one way and then as an adult, you know, I'm learning how many things were wrong with this thing and how to like figure out how to integrate these two.
00:51:03
Courtney Brame: So, it's been a practice, man. It's been a practice of like navigating being wrong. Like, I I It's so f***** up, y'all. Let me tell Let me tell you this quick story. Then, I got to get back on track. But I've been out a couple times where I had no idea somebody was flirting with me. In the world of sex positivity, I think that it's been so much easier because there's so much sexual openness where you will know if a person likes you. They might just directly tell you like, "Hey, I'm trying to f***." They might tell you, "Hey, like what are you getting into? Like I'm interested." Whereas like I'm I'm out doing my little I ain't got I ain't got no crazy dance moves, right? Like I'm just chilling. And like you pick up on things like like a part of me was like, "Hey, hey, pay attention to this." And another part of me was like, "No, it ain't no way that this girl that's been standing here for the last 30 minutes and inching closer to me is interested in me. this girl that like brushed up against me like three times and I moved a little bit like,
00:52:04
Courtney Brame: "Oh s***, I'm I'm sorry. I don't want to be rude." And then f****** smacks me in the face with her hair. And then I I said so to her. I was like I was like, "Damn, you smelling all good like that." She was like, "I don't know. It could be anybody. It's a lot of people in here." And I was like, "Oh, I told somebody that that happened." She was like, "And then what?" I was like, she rejected me. Like, what you mean? She was like, "Courtney, that is not what happened." Like, and I was like, "Oh, f***. I'm not in that space anymore. I'm in a different environment." And things like this have have have happened enough for me to be like, "All right, some changes have to be made." Like, because I'm in this environment and, you know, this will be a whole another conversation probably about how like sex positivity has f***** me up. But I don't mean that exclusively in a way that, you know, now I don't know how to flirt in the real world.
00:52:51
Courtney Brame: That's not what I'm saying. But, uh, there have been conversations that I've had with people that kind of like, "The f*** are you talking about? like you don't talk like that. Whole another thing. But um tying this back to the original point of just coming to the realization that I'm not polyamorous, like a lot of what I do through something positive, like I work with a lot of people, mostly women, and I remember things like that the way that I run this, the way that I'm on top of s***, the way I'm committed, the way I'm passionate, the way people feel, the way people talk about it, that that's been a threat in past relationships. And I've allowed myself to be like, well, you're more important than this thing, but not really giving people the opportunity to prove their importance or like prove that, you know, you are more important than this. This this don't mean anything compared to you. And I've not given myself the grace of or being being real with myself, right? like being real with myself about the fact that this is my calling, my purpose, right?
00:54:01
Courtney Brame: People give me props and s*** all the time uh for what I do, but I don't think people really understand like the sacrifices that, you know, have to come with this. And one of those sacrifices is coming from a place of me needing to know how to tell m************ no, like, hey, you're not going to take me away from this. And I feel like even with that, like I'm inviting the the challenge, somebody be like, "Bet, hold my beard. I'm about to get I'm about to get his attention." Cuz I watched Demon Slayer, uh, the anime, and there was during the, uh, swordsmith village arc where the dude came out the jar and he was like whipping this swordsmith who was like concentrated, making his sword. He didn't want to kill him. He just wanted him to pay attention to him. He was like, "No, I'mma break your concentration." But he never broke his concentration. that broke his concentration. And that's kind of metaphorically what I was doing prior to entering uh any relationship really is like being on my s***.
00:54:59
Courtney Brame: And then the minute you know you break concentration, like that's where s*** falls apart. It's like, "Ah, gotcha. All right, that's all I want. I just wanted to break your concentration. Peace out. See you." And that's like that's that's the experience. And as long as I've been taking care of this, as long as I've been on top of, you know, doing what it is that I know I'm supposed to be doing, I ain't had that. And it's it's been consistent enough at least since September, August, September, for the last six months where I can look at it and go, you know what? This is exactly right. And I think that there's been pressure from me to again like give what I give to this to other people and that has helped with the calibration process of what my relationship capacity is cuz I mean low key Ramadan starts tomorrow. Uh I ain't Muslim but I met somebody who is Muslim and we were having conversations like what does that consist of? Like what what does Ramadan consist of?
00:55:58
Courtney Brame: and she was talking about like some of the things that you you give up and some of the ways that you gotta be and I I wanted to see if I can do it. So, yesterday uh I've decided I was like, "All right, I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to do uh any what was it? It's no drinking or eating. Went from sun up to sun down. No pork, no alcohol, and then no sex. Now, the the no sex thing, I think I'm going to see if I can do that for like two or three weeks." We'll see if I can do that. But uh everything else I think I can do. So I'm trying that out. I'm on day two of this and you know it feels like people say, "Oh, well what do you want in return?" Like you should ask for something. I don't need anything. And I think that I like the sustainability of not needing anything. And that's another thing that's gotten me in trouble with people because it's like, okay, now I'm self-sustainable.
00:56:49
Courtney Brame: I don't need you, but I have a greater capacity, a greater quality of capacity to be able to give. And it's just not in the way that people want to receive me. So, you telling me this whole time this microphone ain't been on? What in the world? Wow. Oh my god. So this s*** just ain't been on at all. How the Oh my god. Oh my god. We going to see what happens from here. I I should sound way different and way better now. So I just been talking at the laptop. I hope it's picked up everything. Um I got to bring this to a close now. What in the hell? That's embarrassing. All right, so I will not take breaks from podcasting again. We just gonna do this until until I stop. Um, wow. I that just that just ruined my whole train of thought. So closing this out, I guess like at this point, now that I'm grounded, now that I'm self- sustainable, I have a greater quality of a give in which I can offer to the world.
00:58:17
Courtney Brame: Like it's not just individual partners, but like I recognize that the the frequency, the quantity is a thing that I I don't have. I don't have like the quantity, but the quality is tremendous. And I think that sustaining this rhythm is going to be what draws in like aligned not just opportunities, people, friendships, connections, but also relationships or whatever relationship, whatever it ends up turning into. Like I'm not I'm not attached to any particular outcome. Like I'm thinking now what's important to me is output over outcome. And me prior to six months ago was very much like outcome driven like I this is what I want this is what I have bet like now let's let's maximize this but I've developed a lot of patience I've cultivated a lot more consistency and more will I want to say and I'm a much better I'm in a much better place I'm much more suited to be able to run something positive for positive people. I'm much more suited to be able to facilitate these support groups, support calls, and I have like the bandwidth and the capacity because I've um I I had to plug some energy leaks, right?
00:59:39
Courtney Brame: Like the intentionality. One more thing that came up uh from my breakup, like looking at what it means to be intentional and being able to give energy to where it's reciprocated, like plugging energy into where it's reciprocated. I look at how stars function and I've been like again studying that in quantum physics and I've been doing a lot of like I was in a period of taking after my relationship ended after being in a place of like just giving like forceful giving in a sense versus sitting like the sun does in our solar system where all it does is turn hydrogen to helium. All of the planets orient themselves to the sun's consistency and rhythm. And the minute that the sun tries to like help somebody see better by shining more bright or getting closer to create more warmth, you f****** the whole solar system. Like the planets get out of whack. The ecosystems that and everything that's orbited to your rhythm get completely f***** up. So I look at the solar system the same way I do the nervous system.
01:00:48
Courtney Brame: and it's a matter of me continuing to do this and I I can't I can't compromises. I can't make sacrifices from this and I I'm I'm clear on that now. So, it's my little accountability episode to not let that kind of s*** happen again. And yeah, I welcome the I welcome everybody who gonna be like, "Oh, hold my beer. Watch this. Let me let me try this out." The whatever his name was from Demon Slayer who did like the whipping of the dude that the swordsmith that was making the sword. I welcome that s*** because now I mean I know what I'm capable of and I've seen what happens when I don't do this. So this shall continue to be done and I look forward to whatever content comes out of this uh moving forward. But yeah, the way Instagram ain't been f****** with me lately and the way that I've had to like play around with that, it's not worth the time anymore. So, uh, people ain't getting the announcements. Like, now it's just a matter of getting people to the website, and this is one of the ways that we going to do it.
01:01:52
Courtney Brame: So, bandwidth opened up, bandwidth closing back up, and I'm able to play around with the space that I have between like my maximum efficiency versus my maximum capacity. All right. Um, till next time, stay present. That concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. Please like, rate, review, share, subscribe to s***, email me. Like if excuse me, over the last however long it's been. Like I think that I've had more people on the support calls be like, "Oh yeah, like I found this website. Like I don't even know if the podcast is useful." But at this point, it's just like a media tool to put out there, hey what we doing. And it feels again a line for me to be able to come back into it now. All right. So thanks for listening. Thanks for hearing me. Thank you for uh letting this be a space for accountability as well as me being able to be consistent to what it is that I'm doing. I think that the more open and transparent I am about my own life, my own experiences, and like now it ain't like I'm putting people out there or anything.
01:02:59
Courtney Brame: Um, but I think I'm it's it's good for me to be able to do this and do this by myself and do this in a way that, you know, I bring people in who align on a project basis or whatever. Um, but I I can't let myself do what what's happened in the past. And I feel like a much more firm sense of conviction. Um, and like I can do this s***. Like there's infinite capacity of energy here. And I look forward to being able to continue to serve, continuing to have a support calls and support groups and the events, which we got one March 21st in New York City. If you're in New York City, uh, the event itself will be in Brooklyn. It's a full day of support. So, I'm pumping this out in the newsletter now. Uh, and yeah, I I feel like I I keep want to say more stuff, especially because my mic was tripping. I hope that this sounds all right, but I'mma play it for myself and and see what it sounds like because I got the space heater on right next to the computer and I know it's probably been a constant hum in the background. So, fudge fudge.
Transcription ended after 01:04:13
About This Episode & SPFPP Something Positive for Positive People (SPFPP) is the leading non-profit organization dedicated to providing support resources for people navigating herpes stigma. Hosted by Courtney Brame, Episode 400 serves as a comprehensive resource for individuals seeking help with a herpes diagnosis, dating with herpes, and managing mental health.
Key Topics Discussed:
Herpes Stigma & Mental Health: Addressing the correlation between diagnosis and suicide ideation.
Dating Dynamics: Navigating the transition from polyamory to monogamy and establishing boundaries in relationships.
Community Support: Details on SPFPP’s virtual support groups for men, women, and co-ed discussions.
The "Atom" Metaphor: A framework for understanding personal alignment, rejection, and authentic living.
If you are newly diagnosed or struggling with disclosure, visit www.spfpp.org for free support group access and crisis resources.
