SPFPP 272: What to do When You're Re-triggered

Thank you to The Love in Action Fund for their contribution to SPFPP. I take some of my own experiences of recent disappointments, relationship transitions, and my responses to them. I speak about first identifying the emotion of your triggered situation and then identifying the most recent time you felt that emotion, as well as the FIRST time you experienced that emotion. When you connect those three dots, you get a pattern. Patterns are locked in and while people swear by "breaking" them, I think it's a lot easier to redirect them and make use of them. In my case, I speak to how my mommy issue and daddy issue still show up for me and how I just have to redirect the retriggered energy I get from when I'm activated. My pattern has been to get so good at meeting my mom's needs that I convinced myself that meeting her need consistently was the equivalent of meeting my own needs. This is one to listen to with a notebook to journal.

Episode 272 Transcript

Introduction and a Milestone Donation

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm your host, Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that essentially provides self-help and development resources on top of mental health resources with licensed mental health care professionals to people who are navigating herpes stigma. So that can be you're positive for herpes yourself or you're dating someone who has herpes or you're just more curious about what it means to live with this virus. In 2017, this began as a suicide prevention awareness resource uh because I myself have herpes. I was diagnosed in 2013 and then in 2017 was when I began to seek out some sort of resources that were going to help me navigate the stigma myself. And what I found was just a lot of different support groups and communities where people were more so uh perpetuating this negative uh ideology I would say around it. And then I found some really cool support groups that eventually I got to see like hey this is cool. And then I got to see the negative side of other places that I would uh occupy my time or spend my time.

00:01:28 Courtney Brame: And the places where there was more negativity, there were people who also shared that they wanted to kill themselves because of their herpes diagnosis. And it was after seeing enough of this that I realized, okay, well, maybe I can do something to help. Uh, so I began interviewing people who were living with herpes about their experiences from diagnosis to disclosure. And it's been a ride. So, here we are now, 2023. I thank you for being here. If you've been rocking with me since episode 1, the sound quality was trash, so I thank you for still being around after all of this time. uh or if you're new here, you just were diagnosed or you're leaving a relationship and having to go back out into the dating world again, I just want to take the time to thank you for being here. And I invite you to uh if especially if this is your first podcast episode that you're listening to, please go and subscribe to the podcast and then rate and leave a review on whatever listening platform you are on right now.

00:02:28 Courtney Brame: www.spfpp.org. The website for Something Positive for Positive People is currently under construction. uh have someone who is redesigning the logo, she's redesigning the website, making it a lot more user friendly and allowing for people to be able to find it sooner. Uh when I started all of this, I did it on my own. I just followed a black and white template which worked and that's going to be what we continue to use. Uh but it was time for an upgrade and I want to shout out the Love and Action Fund. Um one of my board members, Dr. Evelin Molina Dacker. Um her family uh unfortunately her mother had passed away and uh she left them with um the money that she wanted to just go to nonprofits. And Evelin has been a longtime supporter of Something Positive for Positive People and the work that I've been doing in regards to herpes stigma. I invited her on to the board in 2020/21 uh but we did episode 99. So whenever that was episode 99 called integrative disclosure where uh we incorporate her STARS Talk into disclosing your herpes status and this is the framework that I offer to everybody who is looking to disclose to a new partner.

00:03:44 Courtney Brame: So if you haven't already checked out that podcast episode I invite you to go and listen to that one. uh we will be doing a new version of that that's just more prevalent with the times and uh it it stars itself is much more refined now compared to episode 99. So here we are, you know around episode 280-ish on Something Positive one weekly episode. Uh so you do the math for how long it's been. Um but yeah I really wanted to just thank uh Dr. Evelyn and her family for giving Something Positive for Positive People $50,000. And with that $50,000, uh I mentioned that um on the website that uh our services are donation based. So coaching, mentorship, yoga, um having conversations about disclosure, workshops, as well as utilizing one of our licensed mental health professionals, what this money is going to allow for me to do. Uh she said, you know, continue to do what you're doing. And I was sitting there, I was like, how do you quantify what it is that I do?

Quantifying Impact and Navigating the Advocacy Space

00:04:45 Courtney Brame: So, anyone who reaches out for services, whether you can give or can't give, however, um what we're able to do is I just ask people to fill out this form. I want to be able to let Evelin and her family know that Something Positive for Positive People is making an impact on people because of this uh generous donation that they had given to our organization. Uh, in case there's any questioning about this, Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization. We're registered in the state of Missouri as well as the state of Oregon. Everything is virtual and done online, from my phone, from my laptops, from my room, from when I'm on a bus and I'm messaging people on Instagram, wherever I am. Uh, and it's been really really challenging for me to be able to quantify to potential donors or any sort of grant um grant giving organization what Something Positive for Positive People is because I know that if you remove Courtney Brame from the equation, there is no Something Positive for Positive People.

00:05:52 Courtney Brame: I talked to everybody. There are no employees. The closest thing we have to volunteers would be podcast guests. And they volunteer roughly an hour of their time, an hour and a half if you include conversation leading up to me inviting them on to the podcast. But I want y'all to know like this is our space. You know, this is something that we together have created. There wouldn't be a ‘Something Positive for Positive People’ continuing to be maintained as it is without me. But there wouldn't have been a need for Something Positive for Positive People had there not been people who were willing to come forward and share their experiences. So, I want to take this time in this intro to really just thank y'all, man. Cuz a $50,000 donation, what that does, like I've thought about what I could do with $50,000 and now I got it. I'm like, uh, I don't know. But um I know that what I'm able to do is utilize that in a way that is going to potentially bring in more opportunities for us to continue to get more fundraising.

00:06:48 Courtney Brame: I think I mentioned this to you all, but I had uh gone to a training for learning how to write grants and um the doctor I mentioned her on a previous episode. I mentioned this story actually, but just for a refresher, um I actually withdrew from that grant writing class after being in there and realizing that grant writing is for grants that are already out there that exist and you're trying to get organizations to win that grant. Ain't nothing like that for Something Positive for Positive People. There are plenty of STD prevention um funding opportunities lower excuse me lowering uh STD rates um treating people and identifying resources necessary for people who are living with HIV. But there is nothing for people with herpes. And the reason that that is is because so many of us who do have herpes, we are not uh creating any sort of a need for there to be any other resources. And whether that be for a cure, whether that be for a vaccine, whether that be for better mental health support for people who are navigating stigma, we don't have that.

Resume Building and Professional Recognition

00:07:53 Courtney Brame: And anyone who is helped from the few resources that are out there, I don't think people really take us seriously. Like, I'm a dude with a podcast. And I remember when I was first reaching out to health care professionals and urgent care facilities, nurses, hospitals, doctors, like no one wanted to give me the time of day. And I mean, arguably still don't. So, I want to thank each and every person who's given me something that I could put on my resume from South by Southwest. Uh Stephanie Zapata from the Slam Conferences. I want to thank uh Amanda at STD Engage for pushing for me, believing in me, or I'm sorry, with the National Coalition of STD directors, um and the National Coalition for Sexual Health. Uh the state of Michigan HIV and STD Prevention conference. Uh there's a healthy youth consortium in Massachusetts and all of these little NYU and NYU can't forget about them. I'm going to be speaking with them next week as well or they're uh there's some students uh in a I forget what program it is.

00:09:02 Courtney Brame: Um I need to follow up actually. Yes, I definitely need to follow up. It's just like a talk and any opportunity that I get to share the experiences that have been shared with me and the knowledge that I have in relation to how to navigate navigating herpes with people who have it or if you're someone who works with people who have it or if you're someone who has it or if you're dating people who have it. And you know those opportunities are really helpful not just for myself personally but as well as the organization and all of these speaking opportunities. Like I've been investing in Something Positive for Positive People to the point where I've gone out and I've gotten multiple part-time jobs so that I can continue to operate Something Positive for Positive People until there comes a point where there's somebody who's just like, "Wow, I want to do something for people with herpes. Here's this fat ass grant. Here's a bunch of money we're going to throw at it and we're going to make a difference.

00:09:54 Courtney Brame: We're going to make changes. Ain't nobody doing that. So, the closest thing I get are you all's $20, $25, $100, $500 donations that come in and help these people who don't have all of the funds to cover their therapy. Uh, y'all pay for the operating costs of the website. Y'all pay for me to remain tax compliant with the IRS, uh, podcast equipment, this b******* ass mic. Like, I'm not using this mic anymore. I'm actually trying to sell it. But the problem is that I sound better here than I do through the mic and I'm not renting studio time. I'm not doing any of that s***. I tried to get multiple mics so that I can have like multiple people round style interviews, but I can't get people who want to do this, who want to put their faces out there. It's really not worth the investment of having the equipment, getting the equipment, putting the time in the uh edi audio editing, mixing, and the people that I'm talking to are mostly people who are living with herpes.

Board Transitions and Dealing with Sudden Loss

00:10:54 Courtney Brame: And a lot of times, like people don't even let me use their name. Some people don't use their real name. And I've even had people come on recently who've wanted their podcast episodes deleted 2, three years later. And I don't know what's in the air, but it's happened twice over the last year. This year, I've had two people reach out. And so like I don't know if I should anticipate more of that or what, but it's just a thing that happens. And I do my best to prepare people for what's to come when they come on to Something Positive for Positive People. I let people not say their names, but you'd be surprised how many people are paranoid that out of all of the numbers of people who are in the world, the people are just so afraid that someone that they don't want to recognize their voice is going to recognize their voice. And it's it's wild. But I respect it.

00:11:43 Courtney Brame: I remove the episodes when people ask. Um it's a little bit of a pain because I have to do some stuff to replace the audio as well. So like any of the episodes that have been pulled, I've just gone in and re-recorded something along the lines of the topic most of the time. So um much much longer intro than what I wanted. Um, I want to shout out to Ray. Uh Ray was one of our board members. She formerly ran the Positive Results Instagram page which was a huge herpes support community for women who are living with herpes. Uh she served on the board of Something Positive for Positive People until this morning. Um I know that she had a lot going on in her personal life. So uh when I reached out and inquired on, you know, a project that was coming up and details for the next board meeting, she let me know that another tragedy had happened to her.

00:12:36 Courtney Brame: Um, so I offered the opportunity cuz I know that things are going to get really busy, especially with having gotten that uh $50,000 donation. Uh, cuz projects need to happen. Like now is the time to pull the trigger on the surveys, for instance. Um, not just from and for people living with herpes, but also healthcare providers. We've got one side of this from the patient perspective, and now we've got to look at the provider perspective so that we can see what the gaps are in the center. And who knows, maybe that'll be where funding opportunities present themselves uh by having that data and being able to create an intervention that bridges that gap. Um but yeah, I want to just thank Ray for her service, her time alongside Something Positive for Positive People and wishing her well. If you are connected with Ray, please just send her some love um to her and her family uh because they need it. They can really use it.

Grief and Relationship Dynamics

00:13:31 Courtney Brame: Um, the last week for me has been two weeks actually have been pretty off-the-wall. I got like a handful of like what do I want to call these text messages like this ain't this ain't working anymore type text. And I get it. Like I let everybody know, hey, I'm pretty boring. like unless I'm traveling, unless, you know, there's like a big picture plan involved, like I'm pretty boring. I work often, um, I'm doing this kind of stuff, I'm self-reflecting. I'm very cautious with the actions that I take. So, maybe there's like an absence of adventure. I don't know. I look like this right now. I'm all scruffy and everything, but I'm happy. I'm super happy. And I keep finding myself in uh dynamics. I don't want to call them relationships, but dynamics uh with people who are already like some form or fashion in a relationship. Uh polyamorous, non-monogamous.

00:14:39 Courtney Brame: Um and I think that perhaps I've not done a good job about introducing any intentions or initiating really. And it's just been kind of like a passive relationship dynamic. And the ones that I've initiated are great. Um, but the ones that I don't, I noticed that they don't quite stick. And so, the fact that those relationships, you know, have ended over the past week. And then there was some other stuff that happened uh like at work. I've never experienced this, but uh a potential co-worker, someone that I was training had passed away. And it was very unexpected. It was very sudden. And then over this past week, I had to for my simulated patient job, I had to go in and be the patient. uh well not even a patient but the son of a patient who passed away from a heart attack and I had to like play the role of receiving that news from a healthcare provider for the medical students and that s*** was heavy like I ain't ever really experienced something like that like any other time I'm just a patient I have a backstory I go in and I'm like oh yeah my tooth hurts oh it's been hurting for this long on a

00:15:42 Courtney Brame: scale of 1 to 10 it's this or oh my diabetes flaring up you know these are the kinds of roles that I've played but to have to come in and receive a death notification and then have heard that someone that I was just with in training for a job died. Like it's, it's a weird feeling. And we have very unique relationships with the grief process. Um Erin Davidson is someone who I've had on the podcast before. I think her episode is called Break Through the Breakup. And this one was recorded in 2021. She talks about how uh how grief works. And the longer the relationship lasts or the longer the relationship history, probably the longer the grief period's going to be. So, while this was a short-lived connection, um it's still a process that requires grieving. You know, I'm grieving not just who he was as we met, but I'm grieving the potentiality of that being my coworker and who I would be as a person.

Passivity and the Lack of "The Ask"

00:16:45 Courtney Brame: Like, oh yeah, you know, I trained that guy. Yeah, he's great at his job, right? But that hit hard, too, man. And I just don't like all these things piled up on top of one another. I think it really drove me to have a big self-reflective moment for myself. Uh to look at the nature of the relationships that I have been attempting to manage, hold on to. And it's so funny how things work out because as some of those texts came in, it was a few. I ain't got to go into detail, but uh it was a few of those texts that came in where uh they they essentially were just like uh here's an out. And so I looked at him and I was just like, "All right, I guess I'll take it." Like there's not really much to respond to. Like how do you respond to someone saying they don't want to do this anymore? Even if they offer to leave things open-ended, like for me, to me, that lowers the dynamic.

00:17:39 Courtney Brame: And it's funny because my last breakup that I had uh with my ex-girlfriend, uh that was what I said, but I didn't mean and what I said was just like, oh yeah, you know, we can just change the dynamic of the relationship. And she was okay with it. And I thought to myself, I was like, I wouldn't be okay if somebody was like, hey, we see each other this much. We're partners. This is what we are. And now we're going to downgrade that. Cuz to me, the downgrading of that just leaves room for something that is more uh prevalent, that's going to be more prioritized to make its way into the relationship uh or into the space cuz it's not even really a relationship anymore if it gets downgraded. And I understand transitioning relationships. Uh I understand where things just don't serve you anymore. But like me, I think that it's important to, if you want things to continue, be able to have a conversation about it and say, "Hey, here's what's working for me. Here's what's not working for me." Or have a check-in.

00:18:42 Courtney Brame: I've always offered check-ins on a monthly basis. And even when people are like, "Oh, things are going well. I like what we're doing right now." I think that it's been on me. It's been my problem to where I'm not like, "Hey, here's where I want this to go. Here's what I want to happen next. Here's what I want to work towards. And I've not done that. And the reason that I can link it back to again like whenever I think about any sort of situation that puts you on high alert, anything triggering or alarming, when you have that feeling, if you can attach a name for the feeling, the emotion underneath that intensity, trace it back to the most recent time that you felt that way. Trace it back to the first time that you felt that way. So, for me, getting these sporadic text messages that all essentially said the same thing of just not wanting to continue their subscription to the Courtney experience. What that did for me was make me think, hm, when's the last time I felt like this?

00:19:41 Courtney Brame: And it tends to be with my relationships. And in those relationships, what it boils down to is those are relationships where I make an attempt to not be needy. like I don't want to reach out too much or reach out first, like even if I want something, but I'm always available to meet the needs of the other person. So, if that person were to reach out to me and be like, "Hey, Courtney, how are you? I want some attention. I'm needy right now. I'm lonely right now." Like, it's okay for other people to be needy, but it's not okay for me to be needy. Not to say that that's what happened with any of these relationships at all, but I just recognized the pattern there. Like, it kind of felt the same. It's me not wanting to be needy, but still not getting it. I can't even call it the desired long-term outcome because there wasn't one. And this boils down to being passive, being unintentional, which are things that are generally not attractive as a heterosexual man to a woman who likes men.

Intentionality vs. Going with the Flow

00:20:42 Courtney Brame: All right? So, we'll use that framework moving forward. I don't want to hear no, oh, that's sexist or misogynist. I don't want to hear none of that s*** because this is the reality of it. Like as a man, there are things that are expected of me, the man, Courtney, that have not been given. And what I've seen is that whenever there's been this passivity on my end or unintentionality, like we're just kind of going with the flow and until we're not going with the flow anymore cuz like you can do this dance or whatever with each other and it's cool, but the minute y'all like the song change or somebody feet get tired, that's it. and with more intentional and initiated relationships. Like uh the women that I still have relationships with are women that I have gone through the process of pursuing and or initiating something with and with initiating those relationships. They have had some type of an intention behind them. Even if the intention has changed or shifted, there was an intentionality and there was an initiation from my part.

00:21:45 Courtney Brame: So, I know I'm mostly speaking to women here. I don't know many men who listen to the podcast. Like, occasionally I hear from a dude, but it's important to me at least to share my experience so that hopefully uh cuz someone I was talking to a friend of mine recently as I shared what I'm sharing with you all with her, she was able to give me her side of that. It was like the flip side of it. So, I'm talking about, damn, you know what? I've been really passive. I've been unintentional. I need to be intentional. I need to be more direct. I need to be direct, period. Because there is no directness in my approach with the partners that I have. And part of it is because I feel like all of my asks are way too big of an ask. And I'm going to pause her and come back to that. But what my friend was saying is she wants to be pursued.

00:22:34 Courtney Brame: She wants to feel desire. She wants there to be intention behind things. She doesn't want that passive s***, you know, like let's go with the flow. Let's see what happens. She doesn't want that. And it took for me to say out loud to someone who could receive that message cuz like I wouldn't have had the other end of that. And I think that so much of what I've seen on social media has also shaped the way that I react and am proactive or not proactive with the pursuit of relationships and opportunities because the way you do one thing is how you do everything. And for me, the same way that I go after business opportunities, uh, passion opportunities is the same way I go after relationships. I kind of just sit back, see where to see what happens. Like, I'm really, really, really good at identifying where there's an opportunity that is more likely to go in the direction that I would want it to go.

Childhood Roots of Passivity

00:23:26 Courtney Brame: I'm really good at getting what I want, but I'm really not good at asking for what I want or going to the people who are willing to give me what I want and then just asking for them or finding out if somebody's even willing to do so. So, taking it back to what I was saying about the asking thing, I feel like my asks are generally really, really big asks when the reality is they're not. Like a lot of the needs that I have, I know people who getting that s*** met on a regular basis, dayto-day, daily basis, weekly basis, whatever. And these are a variety of needs, you know, from which we can talk sex needs. We can talk about money needs. We can talk about donations cuz I run a nonprofit organization. We can talk about um being more mindful of my time uh with people who need help disclosing or send me a message talking about their newly diagnosed. All of these things. And I've just not wanted to ask tracing this one back to my childhood.

00:24:24 Courtney Brame: I think about how I've never asked my mom directly for what I wanted. I never asked my dad directly for what I wanted. When I go to my dad for things, it'd be my mama said, "I need this." It wouldn't be, "Hey, dad, I need this thing." But the most recent thing that I asked my dad for, he was able to do for me. I made a voice message, a recording of a journal entry that I had. And I noticed that the language shifted from I, me, to as I was talking about my dad. It was you. I was talking about him directly. It's like I was talking to him. So, I like to read it, record it, and send it to him. I said, "Hey, I really would like for you to listen to this. It would mean a lot to me if you did." He listened to it. I didn't expect him to because the narrative that I had in my head was that my dad doesn't do what I asked him to do.

00:25:06 Courtney Brame: But the real narrative is that I never asked him for anything. And he even told me that. He was like, "Damn, son. Like, I ain't think you needed anything. You never asked for anything." And I started thinking back. I was like, "Damn, I really didn't." And even for my mom with emotional needs that I had or if I just wanted physical touch or if we look at the five love languages, right? I know that I got a lot of the gifts that I wanted cuz I was good in school. All I had to do was get good grades and I got the next game system. I had the PlayStation, I had the PlayStation 2, I had the Sega Dreamcast, I had the Sega, Sega Saturn. I had every game system every year except for the Sega CD because it was pointless to me. I had like three, four games on there that I would have played. All right.

00:25:44 Courtney Brame: But progress reports came out. I got to go ring games. Like these things were on autopilot in terms of getting and giving gifts. That's not my love language. However, when there were emotional needs or needs for physical touch, which are the two things that I would say and quality time, quality time, physical touch, acts of service maybe, I don't know. I don't know about acts of service being one of these. But whenever I would uh a lot of times when I would go to my mom for these things, I found that she tended to prioritize her romantic relationships. uh over me just coming in and wanting to be there. Before I could even say anything, she'd be like, "Get out of here. I'm on the phone." But the narrative that I adopted for myself is that my mom prioritized her romantic relationships over me. So, I just needed to kind of be on standby for when s*** would hit the fan or when there'd be a breakup or when he did some f*** s*** and make myself available to hold the space for her emotions.

SPFPP as a Trauma Response

00:26:50 Courtney Brame: And I got really good at this. so good to the point where me meeting her needs was the artificial form of me getting my needs met because I didn't necessarily have needs. I didn't express my needs. Let me say that I didn't express my needs to my mother until well s*** until adulthood really. But I am not expressing my needs to her and say, "Hey mom, I need a hug. I need physical touch. I need to talk to you about something that happened at school today. I need dot dot dot. I never learned how to do that. But what I did learn how to do was anticipate her needs. Be emotionally aware, available, and supportive. Recognizing the climate. I know when something's off with my mom. Hey, what's wrong? And then be ready to sit down, listen to her, hear her vent about whatever it was, and then for her to go back to the same n**** that she was uh getting whatever wrong done to her, right?

00:27:47 Courtney Brame: And that translates into adulthood because it's the same s***. It's the same thing. Like um, several of my relationships looking back have been that same way. And it's all been because I have not asked for what I needed because I felt like whatever it was that I was asking for like I can just I can get it myself. I felt like I could get it myself. I felt like I didn't want to be not even a burden. I cannot ever say that I never felt like it was a burden. I just felt like it was too big of an ask. And if you listen to um one of the podcast episodes I have, it says uh self-rejection is still like many many asks, like a lot of small asks because what you're doing is you're training yourself to ask for less than what you really want. While you're asking for something, you're still asking for less. So therefore, you are affirming in your own mind that you are not someone who is worth getting what it is that you really want, nor are you worthy of asking for what it is that you want.

00:28:50 Courtney Brame: You're not someone that people are going to want to meet the needs of. And yeah, I was young. I probably didn't have language to be like, "Hey, mom, you're doing this thing that's dismissive to me. It looks like you're prioritizing your romantic relationships over me." And what that says is that women like the way that I've related to my mom has essentially translated into the way that I relate with women in my relationships. Like I tend to really gravitate towards emotionally unavailable women. And I myself am an emotionally unavailable person for various reasons. And I've dealt with that. And I think that the reason I'm so emotionally unavailable is because I've made myself so emotionally available to this to Something Positive for Positive People. Anybody who reaches out to me, anybody who sends a message, anybody who needs something like that way that I was toward my mom with coping with the fact that I was unable to get my needs met as a kid by being the source, the go-to supply for my mother's emotional support needs f****** manifested itself into a whole ass nonprofit organization where people who have emotional needs that aren't being met can come into this space and consensually receive the emotional support that they need because I have chosen to take the buildup of I got I just showered and put deodorant on.

The Cost of Emotional Availability

00:30:25 Courtney Brame: That's why you see these pit stains. But um I've been able to take that superpower that's been cultivated over the years of my life and focus it to this thing and allow for people to be able to come and get what they need. And that to me is probably the best way that I can describe Something Positive for Positive People. And s***, I'll say that this is the backstory of it. It's been the way that I do things and I am happy that it worked out this way. However, what I'm not happy about is the outcomes that I'm getting in my personal life. Like there's a huge sense of sacrifice. I talk about compromise, sacrifice, and then compatibility. So for how I grew up, I am very compatible with this relationship that I have for uh with Something Positive for Positive People. There are no sacrifices being made. There's no compromises that are being made. The only compromise will probably be um the fact that I have to be very very very well s***.

00:31:27 Courtney Brame: I guess this is a sacrifice too. It's like in other things uh relationships don't really uh work well for me considering in the past like my partners have not their their families have not known that they had herpes and here I am like doing this thing and I got to kind of be on the down low about it when it comes to them. like I got to be around them and I just got to kind of shut up about how my day was and only speak to the non herpes related stuff um just for the comfort of the relationships that I was in. And I realized that those relationships don't work. Those things just don't. So um it's made me have to create this filter. Something Positive like a sacrifice that I have to make is that I'm not going to just be able to be with someone who is not at an okay place with their herpes diagnosis. which means that the standards for a partner and the um the the work that they've done on themselves or for themselves is significantly higher which already screams out so many people.

00:32:27 Courtney Brame: Um even me having my herp status on dating profiles or that being one of the early conversations like even if I have it I recognize like not being too loud. I had um someone talk to me after a yoga class the other day and she was like are you Courtney? I was like, "Yeah." She's like, "I'll follow you on Instagram." And so, I had to match that tone and uh dial back the herpes language and statements that I would have made. So, I really just know that I have to be careful with that. I understand it, but in a relationship, I don't want that. And I think that I've not really consciously looked at my relationship style, my relationship dynamics. And I say these, you know, breakup texts have happened, but also there have been moments where so the more superficial people, relationships have uh sort of fizzled out and died out. Um, and I'm able to just be more intentional with the connections that I do have and be able to go deeper into those and get the practice of asking for what I need, being intentional, and doing the pursuing because I have not done that.

Setting Boundaries and Demanding Respect for Time

00:33:34 Courtney Brame: Like I had mentioned the relationship with my mom and I even I had a conversation with my mom about this s***. I was like, "Yo, I was your emotional boyfriend." She laughed about it. You know, we can laugh about it now. Um because that's just the relationship that I have with my mother. We essentially grew up together. And I had to really break and set boundaries and cut that cord with my mom from being exclusively her emotional support. Like if my mom needs something, damn right I'm going to talk to my mom uh help her through whatever it is that she needs help with. There are boundaries that are now in place for that. And while I've put those boundaries up there, those boundaries are really non-existent in Something Positive for Positive People. And because of that, I think that I've also put myself in positions to be disappointed in people with not following through. Um, I keep getting people who say they want to be on the podcast, but then they don't reply about being on the podcast or we have a meeting set and they cancel, reschedule.

00:34:31 Courtney Brame: And that really pisses me off for the simple fact that this right now like what this is my not do s*** I'm recording this podcast episode and I know that this podcast needs to be done but I spent the last three days like I recorded. I had to record a podcast on my lunch break to replace one of the ones that I had to delete and I went into one of the hospital rooms. I don't know how it sounds. It didn't sound good to me, but I'm using the same recording app uh to record this one. So, this is just going to be what it is cuz the microphone there's no difference with the microphone. But anyway, I had to do that and like it eats up time that I really don't have. Like my time is being on everybody else's schedule. That is my schedule. My schedule is being on everyone else's schedule. When this person can record, when this person can meet, when this person can talk about ideas, when can all my board members meet?

00:35:29 Courtney Brame: When do I have to also go to work? Because it's all it is. When do I have a personal life? When do I get to go to the grocery store? When do I get to cook? When do I get to just listen to my music? When do I get to listen to the podcast that I listen to? Right? And I think that I've done this thing of making myself so incredibly available seemingly to the whole world that there's no real respect for it. It's like, "Oh, Courtney ain't doing s***. When I reach out to Courtney, he'll be there." Right? And I've created that for my mother as a youth and growing up into adulthood up until my late 20s before I started setting those boundaries before I knew what the word boundaries were cuz I ain't learned that word till I was 32 33. The pandemic was where I learned about boundaries, right? But leading up to before that, I would say it was just like avoiding conversations or avoiding stuff all together.

Polarization, Attraction, and Final Reflections

00:36:28 Courtney Brame: Like I'd still talk to my mom, but I would just avoid certain conversations that I knew were going to go down the road of making me feel that same sense of being triggered as I would have when I was a youth and now have language to identify what that really was for myself. Right? So looking at um going back to my relationship with Something Positive for Positive People and the sacrifice they got to be made like if I'm going to continue to run this organization it's going to really shape the relationships that I have and the types of relationships that I have or if I'm in a relationship even to be completely honest because I don't know that I've really come across many people who are also uh who are accepting of their status to the point where um and I have don't get me wrong. I've met a few people whose relationship would have gone somewhere uh after their because they were fine with their families knowing what I do and thought that it was incredible and were passionate about it, but the relationships just didn't work out, you know, for whatever other reasons.

00:37:32 Courtney Brame: So, I'm not sitting up here and saying that doesn't exist. What I'm saying is that that is essentially a sacrifice that I'm comfortable with making at least at this point because also like if I was able to pay myself an executive director salary through a nonprofit organization like ain't nobody going to b**** about that. But the fact that I don't make no money off of this yet uh is probably something that influences this as well because I do pour a lot into this to where maybe it seems like the value, the quality of my attention, my energy, uh any time that I give is significantly lower than it really is because so much of it goes into this and through this it seems that so much pours out into every direction for everybody and therefore nobody can feel special because if I make everybody that I talk to feel special who's really special right the people I don't talk to but that's how it works man and I I see that like the less available you are the more attractive you are and that's a very unfortunate situation but there's just this polarity like the the the polarization is really what's attractive so the fact that you can be an a******, but you're actually really kind or you have the potential for it.

00:38:52 Courtney Brame: When you show somebody both of those sides in this polarizing way, then that's generally what is attractive. Like I'm kind all the time. I hate bullies. Um that's probably the only time you'll see me get mad. Like if somebody if I am justified in being aggressive and violent towards a situation or people who are in the wrong for something, that's the only time that it shows. You ain't going to see that s*** on this camera. You ain't going to hear of it on the podcast, right? And maybe in sex. Like sex is that's that's a different topic, different conversation. But the demonstration of polarity like front facing in dating all that s*** like I know that I don't. I don't really do that well because again like with my time like the time management thing is so big to me because when people are available it's like all right what's your earliest availability? I know that I got to get people going like right now.

00:39:54 Courtney Brame: So if I got two hours available and you hit me up now and you're like hey I need to talk. like, "All right, bet. Let's do this now." And I think that that's something that detours people from feeling as if they're special or from feeling any sort of uh sense of being pursued or uh even with like through Something Positive for Positive People and the time that I invest with people, it's like, "Oh, you know, he'll always be there. A he ain't doing s***." And that won't be the case. Um, it just may seem like that depending on what these windows are that I reach out to people or people reach out to me and we end up conversing. But the cancellations on the podcast or the lack of contact, I deal with that a lot. I actually deal with that a lot. A lot more than I should, I would say. Especially considering these are people who already know what they're like, you know what the situation is.

00:40:51 Courtney Brame: like I explain it very very well but for some reason there's always some type of resistance there. I don't know what it is. So um while I am super compatible with Something Positive for Positive People and the way that I have this formatted and set up, there still needs to be uh a little bit of there needs to be some change. And I recognize for myself that what the change needs to be um is that I gotta be less available is so stupid. But I already know that this is something that's going to help because I've been doing it. I've been doing it without saying anything. And I tell you what, people have been making their payments on time. People have been very respectful of the conversations that we do get to have. Um, and even in dating, like I've I've made changes, not in the uh relationships before. Oh, I didn't get to this part, but like the relationships that I currently have that exist in deepening platonic and nonplatonic, whatever we want to call that, romantic and platonic relationships really deepening with there being an expression of intention, right?

00:42:09 Courtney Brame: Um because even with you Ray's a great example for the board of directors, right? So this is someone, it's a platonic friendship relationship. Um she was a great candidate for the board of directors for Something Positive for Positive People. And there were times where there were other personal things that were going on and I was never really upfront and intentional about why I wanted Ray to be on the board up until, you know, much like later on. And it was shortly after I approached her about being on the board where it was like, "Oh, you run the positive results account." So, this will be, you know, a community of women who have herpes who will have access to this resource and you're connected to it. I didn't know what the big picture would look like, but it made sense at the time for me to just bring Ry to be on the board of directors. And then over time, you know, just kind of seeing how potentially overwhelmed she was even after having chosen to step away from the herpes community, uh, it took for me to initiate a conversation with her, uh, about potentially stepping down from the board considering, you know, everything going on with her.

Transitions and Future Intentions

00:43:15 Courtney Brame: Um, and her message back was so like it was positive because to me, I felt like I was being a dick. I felt like I was making a big ask for her to, you know, consider stepping down because it's about to get so involved. But I initiated and I was very intentional in my communication with her about why I was saying what I was saying. And then that allowed for us to continue to hopefully continue cuz this happened today uh to maintain a a friendship with each other even though she's no longer on the board directors for Something Positive for Positive People. Right. So, that's a platonic example there. Um, relationship-wise, uh, there was someone that I had reconnected with. We had a weekend together. It was a great time. And, uh, we communicated and I was intentional. While I didn't have a 100% clear intention on what was going on after, I was able to say, "Hey, this is what I would like from you and I don't know what this looks like. This is what I would like with you." And decide and choose how to continue to move forward.

00:44:17 Courtney Brame: And this is something that she was on board with. So while relationships around me are falling apart, like these lessons that come with that or these have been like nudges in the right direction for me to uh take the time to step back, take inventory on what's going on around me, what's going on within me, and then being able to look and see, okay, well, whatever it is that's falling off, let that fall off. whatever aligns, like allow for it to fall into place so that we can continue to deepen whatever those connections are and do so with intention and also being able and willing to initiate whatever dialogue around that needs to occur. And it's been so liberating for me to be able to communicate this to y'all because I don't know how often or how many of y'all are like really listening to this podcast and getting value from it, getting something out of it. And part of that is why I started the other podcast self which is essentially me talking about these things as apart from herpes.

00:45:20 Courtney Brame: But in this case, there is a good chunk of it that is related to herpes. And you know, I'm a therapist who I haven't seen in a minute because I caught myself. I caught myself getting into this pattern of, oh, I'll talk about this in therapy next week. And I've not been connecting with the people around me. I've not been vulnerable with people or sharing my struggles. I've been looking up like trying to figure out the s*** on my own, looking up YouTube videos and following people on social media instead of just putting the things that I've been learning over the last three years into action. And I'm seeing that like my Drake said this and uh one of his songs it was uh uh Champagne Poetry. He said, "My therapist's voice is making the choices for me." And I felt that I was in a few situations where I was like and I'm hearing I'm pausing. I'm like, damn, what should I do?

00:46:15 Courtney Brame: And I'm hearing my therapist's voice coming in and in on me as I'm making decisions. And as I'm making these decisions, it's a behavior. Like I'm breaking patterns by replacing bad patterns with a little bit of a shift to where I'm able to turn these into good patterns. It's like I'm a very consistent person. I'm very disciplined. I do what I say I'm going to do and I do these things and I give that to the wrong people. So making that little bit of an adjustment, it's redirecting to going to the right people where these relationships are more reciprocal. And I told myself I told myself the other day, it was when I got one of these texts. I was like, I'm not disappointing myself anymore. I'm not going to ever be disappointed again. And that's big coming from me because that's the root of my issue that I've had with my dad. Like my daddy issue was, you know, expecting disappointment.

00:47:10 Courtney Brame: But the only reason that I would expect that disappointment is because I wasn't asking for anything. I wasn't intentional. I wasn't initiating the ask. It'd be like, "Hey son, do you need anything or what do you need?" Even if he asked me, "You need anything?" No. What do you need? Nothing. Right? So being able to initiate the ask, "Hey, Dad, I really need you to listen to this." It would really make me feel dot dot dot whatever feeling that was amazing for me to feel when I got that back from my dad. I don't think I asked for any. I asked him to make breakfast when I came back to town. I was like, "Yo, can y'all please make breakfast?" Made breakfast, right? So, it really just starts with the ask, man. And like I'm beginning to practice. I'm not asking for ridiculous s*** anymore or I never did.

Reclaiming Integrity and Purpose in Advocacy

00:47:53 Courtney Brame: I'm not asking for anything ridiculous now. I'm just essentially coming out and being like, "Hey, I need this. Uh, can you do this for me?" Or like how it would look from a relationship's perspective, like, "Hey, here's my intention." And then initiate that. Like, hey, damn, you look good today. You know, I ain't going to get y'all my game. But, um, yeah, initiating and intention. These are two big key factors for me as a straight man who tends to date women like this as simply as that. And so uh the inside didn't match the outside for me because I was allowing for unintentionality and passivity to be what led the initiation of the relationships that I've had. And I can't do that anymore. That's just not what's that's just not it. That ain't what it do. So, um, if you find yourself in continuing relationships where there's a pattern, like I encourage you, man, like look at your herpes diagnosis and the emotion that you had with that and see the most recent time you felt that and then the first time that you felt that and I promise you, you're going to get somewhere.

00:49:08 Courtney Brame: So for me I have to now really like to ask even early on in dating or potential relationships like hey I'm open about my herpes diagnosis and I run this nonprofit organization and I'm like on news stuff like if you Google my name this is what you going to see. Are you cool with being associated with that whether you have herpes or not? Like if your family does or doesn't know are you gonna be cool with your family knowing that your man got herpes? Like how we gonna raise kids if your kids, our kids, you know, later on like kids at school. Kids cruel, y'all. They cruel. I remember being a kid my damn self. And but them m************ would be like, "Ah, that's why your daddy and your mama got herpes. Y'all got STDs in your house. I ain't sitting on your toilet. I ain't sitting on y'all chairs." You can tell I

00:50:02 Courtney Brame: had thought about this way too long. Ah, but yeah, we I don't know how I ended up letting this get to 50ish minutes without uh I guess that was what needed to be talked about. I didn't really have a topic in mind. I just ended up hitting the record, started talking. But uh if you've been here this whole time, I appreciate you listening. If you're watching the video. Um, I want to make it a point to record video and then put it up on Something Positive for Positive People's website spf.org and the places on the YouTube channel as well, Something Positive for Positive People. Uh, please again like, rate, review, share, subscribe to the podcast. The way that this thing grows is by y'all just sharing this with people y'all know, please. And if y'all know somebody that's giving out money for something like this, like the main thing is sexual health and mental health. The interconnectedness of STI stigma and mental health change, status change, that's that's it.

00:51:00 Courtney Brame: Like that's what we do, you know. So if you can, if you have not already, please consider making a donation. Uh the donations right now, again, I'm not paying myself. So I'm addressing this. I'm saying this for a reason because it's come up. Uh, someone said that the 501c3 is not on my website anywhere. It's on my website. It has been on the website. It's in almost every podcast episode since it's been a nonprofit whenever I have an intro. So, this organization can kick rocks to be completely honest. But, um, yeah, they ain't giving they ain't giving us no money. So, it is what it is. And I want to be clear, too, man, that Something Positive for Positive People is about mental health. I don't care about a cure for herpes. I don't care about a vaccine for herpes. If that happens, cool.

Closing the Episode and Moving Forward

00:51:48 Courtney Brame: But if I would have just hoped for a cure or a vaccine, I wouldn't have not I would have never done this selfwork on myself to be able to get to the point I'm at right now, to be open about my status, to be facilitating these conversations with other people, uh, to give others support, uh, through navigating their own diagnosis. I would have never been able to get to this point. I'd be stuck in hope and hoping that nobody found out and hoping that one day there'd be a cure. And it's 10 years later. Like, please don't sit up and let 10 years go by before you start making changes in your life and doing things for yourself that are going to improve your overall quality of life, your relationship to yourself, your mental well-being, your emotional well-being. You have to be able and willing to start taking care of yourself if you haven't already. Because if you sitting up and you waiting on a cure thinking all this s*** going to go away, it's not.

00:52:42 Courtney Brame: And pharmaceutical companies, pharmaceutical companies are not letting this s*** just ride. They're making too much money off people being scared of having outbreaks, off of uh people being scared of passing it on to other people, off of people being afraid of getting herpes like that. There's too much money there. Until we all collectively who have herpes decide to stop buying this antiviral medication and themselves go down, they ain't coming out with no cure. They ain't coming out with no vaccine. All right? So all this research that's being done, like it ain't no reason that we shouldn't have had a cure by now. There's no excuse other than somebody's making money off there not being a cure. Like its things are just way too transparent and easy to find right now for us to be able to for us to even have to ask ourselves why isn't there a vaccine? Why isn't there a cure? We made a vaccine for COVID in a few months.

00:53:34 Courtney Brame: So herpes just ain't that big of a deal. It is not a big enough deal for there to be any funding opportunities for projects like this. It's not a big enough deal for people to say, "Hey, I have herpes and I want better treatment." It's just not. And until we get to a point where it is, I don't really think that we're going to see any changes there. So, please don't ask me about no cure. Don't ask me about vaccines. Don't ask me about, you know, oh, if there's a cure, would you take it? Probably. But at what cost? Like what comes with that, right? If you're someone who hasn't done any sort of understanding of yourself and your relationship to your herpes virus, then what good is it going to do you to get the cure? Because all you're going to do is continue to repeat the pattern of behavior that your herpes diagnosis may have brought to the surface for you to look at and you might have just chosen to avoid looking at it.

00:54:23 Courtney Brame: Right? So, I very much encourage people to do this work. Listen to these episodes. Take what there is that you can get from it. Utilize a nonprofit organization and services to get connected to a mental health professional, licensed mental health professional to support you through your own healing journey. Uh use these episodes as potential journal prompts. Like do that s***, y'all. Do that. All right. And yeah, like don't don't please don't be sad for me. Be happy for me. I got a $50,000 donation to figure out what I'm going to do with it. And I think I got an idea. I have an idea of um bringing in more health care providers and trying to bridge that gap in communication between what the health uh what the sexual health related uh organizations what their needs are um in order to do better with sexual health in general, not just herpes. Because if we get a better understanding of the scope of herpes and the education piece, then we'll have a much more chance of keeping people from wanting to kill themselves after they're diagnosed or from having any super duper psychological changes or behavior changes for themselves uh just because they get diagnosed with this particular uh infection that is herpes. All right. Um yeah, appreciate y'all. Thank you for listening. Catch you on the next one.

Transcription ended after 00:55:30