SPFPP 284: Managing Expectations

Speaking of managing expectations . . . Order your at home STI testing kit here: https://shamelesscare.com/?ref=643

I spoke a lot to and about how important it is for men to be the best option in the last episode, along with how our behaviors directly impact hookup culture. It’s important that we align with THE code of what it is to be a Man, identify our values and live from that space of integrity.

This episode is more of . . . I took too long to write the description for this one and kind of forgot what I talked about. . . . Ok I skimmed through and remember now. So identifying your value versus increasing your value. These are two completely different things. Recognizing your value is identifying where you feel most confident and competent. For me, my value is linked to my emotional intelligence and availability as a man. Not everyone sees that to be valuable, but that doesn’t change the fact that this IS my value as it’s where I’m most confident and competent.

But like all things in 2022, it’s not exactly about what you do or how good you are at it. It’s really about how you market it. A shitty value can be marketed in a great way to achieve the results you want, so what does putting yourself out there look like when you do recognize your value. Well, you put yourself in or create an environment conducive to your skills and value, an you express it. Let your integrity be the baseline. People adapt to that to be in your life or you adapt to theirs. Alignment is where there’s no need to necessarily adapt because there’s an acceptance. . . That’s too far ahead for this episode, we’ll talk about that next.

Episode 284 Transcript

Transcript

The Role of Men in Dating Culture

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that serves as self-help for people self-help self-help for people who are navigating herpes stigma. Um, if you are someone who found value in the information that you receive here, the website, surveys, podcast, um, I invite you to consider making a donation, uh, just to continue to support our efforts. Um, where do I want to start? Really just picking up from the last episode cuz I just finished recording it and I saved it. Um, I want to just go ahead while it's fresh on my mind and talk about, you know, the next segment of what I want to speak on in relation to, uh, my own personal dating experience. So, um, I talked about how essentially we really need to be our best and I would say that this podcast episode is more for men than it is anybody else. Um, and I think, you know, maybe there's something to learn here for, uh, people who aren't men who listen to this podcast episode, but ultimately, man, what I've really learned is a lot of the issues that we have in dating, um, myself included, isn't necessarily problems with women or I mean, arguably even dating culture.

00:01:58 Courtney Brame: Like I I'll s*** on hookup culture because it's collectively um really dictated by men. Like men really decide what the dating culture looks like. And we can say, "Oh, women dot dot dot." But what I'm learning and what I'm experiencing is that that's not an issue. like for men who are um who know what they want and stick by what they say they want. You know, the women or your partners, whoever it is that you're with, is going to uh Mr. Lucario says this, get on your program. And if you don't have a program, the default is dating uh hookup culture. the default is looking for the next best thing. So, it's not about exclusively, you know, whether your program is good or a fit or whether what you have going on is um you know, something that aligns with the woman you're with. Cuz the thing is, if she likes you, she likes you. And it doesn't really matter as long as there is a plan in place.

00:03:14 ECourtney Brame: And uh uh what I consistently hear from women is that a lot of times that the man that they're with doesn't have a plan or like they're stringing them along or they're playing games. So I kind of want to dissect what playing games looks like and you can identify playing games real quickly with just inconsistency. If you're dealing with a man who's inconsistent, then that's what it is. Um, I talked to a lot of women who date men who are like, you know, I just don't want to have to make decisions. And this is a very common thing across the board from people who date men. And a lot of the men that they date leave them with having to make too many decisions. I mentioned in the last episode where uh I stopped I wasn't asking questions um and I was doing more leading and I was repressing anything that was feminine in me for uh about a month of time and that the results were amazing you know and I was able to say hey you know this is the kind of relationship that I'm looking for and everybody was on board with it everybody's like okay and it it still blows my mind that that thing that that worked But I guess that's just like the nature of relationships.

Masculinity, Femininity, and Emotional Intelligence

00:04:35 Courtney Brame: You know, when we look at um how you know someone who dates men, if you date men, you want to date a man, it's not you are wanting a man who is also these things that contradict, you know, what it means to be with a man. And having experienced that myself, um, I just recognize that like that- that ain't me. And I see why a lot of the relationships that or the dating relationships, whatever, where I get along best with the people or they're the healthiest are typically where um it's a queer woman, like a queer woman, bisexual woman, or um, pansexual woman, any of those things. pansexual. Yeah, pansexuals, right? Um I just those relationships tend to be the healthiest and like the easiest for me to navigate and the most communicative. Um and I guess it would be because they are not exclusively, you know, by default, you know, drawn to only masculine features or behaviors and things like that. like I look very masculine and dominant and you know I I have that but there's still also this emotional awareness and intelligence aspect of me and I really want to shout out to my friend Erica uh who listens to the podcast and she always hits me up and it's like man this thing you said dot dot dot because she also said to me and she was like you know you don't have to play that game and this was the first time I ever thought about that like not playing the

00:06:20 Courtney Brame: game of acting one way so I can get what it is that I want and then I can go into being my real self. Um, that don't work for me. That doesn't work for… I mean it works. It works for me to get what I want, but it doesn't work long term and it's not a sustainable thing. So, I recognize that like that's what's worked for me is surprising the s*** out of queer women that I've been in relationships with who see like this masculine, you know, dominant, strong, deep voiced person and then, you know, I fix my lips to say something and I'm like, oh, you know, consent or oh, sex positivity or oh, um, uh, negotiations and that's what like draws people in in a way. Excuse me. So that being said, you know, going back to the whole reason that I'm talking here is because like we as men, you know, we are the ones who dictate this s***. Like we got to get out of this whole I hear men b**** about women way too much.

00:07:43 Courtney Brame: And I'm not going to sit up here and say that I've never done that cuz I don't I don't think I've ever bitched about women. I think that what I have done in adulthood is try and assess my role in my lack of success with relationships or dating. And I'll say since doing that, like I have come to realize a lot of my own shortcomings. And the consistent thing is that these- if I were to take all of these like traits and put them in one, it's that I have not done a good job. I'm not initiated. Um, I think I've mentioned this before, but like I don't typically initiate relationships partly because I don't have to. But in that, like I am succumbing to um just the nature of the dating world and I'm not making it on my terms. And that's part of what the power is of being a man. It's like, all right, I created this structure and somebody who's on board with it is going to get on board with it.

00:08:52 Erika Velazquez's Presentation: And people who aren't on board with it, I won't know they aren't on board with it because they won't they just won't show up here or, you know, I'll extend the invitation and they'll yay or nay at s*** right away. And so, I've not been one to initiate. And I've recently gotten better about setting expectations, even though I've fallen short. Um, the example that I have here is just like most recently, um, I think I told y'all Instagram is the best dating app. Like, you put yourself out there consistently as yourself. But the only problem that I face with it um with pursuing or having partners through uh Instagram is that you know you see enough from somebody to where you think you know them and then it feels like you don't have to get to know them. And I think that that's something that I face consistently in dating and relationships is like I don't feel like anybody's trying to understand or get to know me.

00:09:56 Courtney Brame: Um and I don't want to say anybody, but you know, the majority of the relationships that I've had where I met people through Instagram, don't get me wrong, there are some great ones. There are some that still are going on. Um there is a connection there. There's a relationship to some extent there. Even if sex isn't involved, friendship, relationship, connection, whatever, there's a sense of safety and reciprocity uh in there as well. And uh this yeah, this allows you to put yourself out there. It allows me to put myself out there in a way that dating apps just don't allow. And um again, just going back to the whole thing about being a man and needing to be the one to spearhead, you know, what this relationship is and what it's going to look like. And it's like I have this solid ground for what a relationship will look like and the framework for it. and whoever I invite in, you know, to test it out and see if they are on board with it.

High Value, Real Standards, and Masculine Leadership

00:11:00 Courtney Brame: Like more often than not, they are going to be on board with it. If they like you, that's the key part. You know, if you are at your best, like I spoke about last episode, if you are at your best, then whatever it is that the program is, you know, you're going to begin to attract what is best for you. And you really shape the frame of what that relationship looks like. And you know, I don't I don't want to hear none of that sexist s*** or oh, you know, that's misogyny or patriarch. I don't want to hear none of that s*** because that's the reality. Like I have had too many conversations with people even the people who are out there screaming patriarchy misogyny and s*** like they still like men. They don't like the kind of men who are succumbing to what uh the the s*** that they preach. Like my perfect example is uh who is it? Sierra the uh singer.

00:12:03 Courtney Brame: She is married to Russell Wilson, but then is like encouraging independent women and just being like, "Yeah, you don't need no man. Y'all don't need no man." Then she goes back home to her man, her husband at that, right? And uh yeah, man. It's like on social media, on the internet, there's this uh there's a market for it. There's a market for independent women. There's a market for no man. And there's a market for uh screaming at patriarchy, white supremacy, and all that s***. And in the real world, you know, it's just like it's people-ing in the real world who have like whatever their issues are that they are facing and have to face and like that the reality that they live in. So it really ain't no time to point fingers at s*** when you trying to get s*** done. And a lot of times like getting s*** done just looks like the natural progression of a relationship towards whatever the goal is.

00:13:03 Courtney Brame: You know, if you're someone who wants a relationship, who wants family, and I again, I see a lot of men who just like going with the flow. And this is something that gets talked about a lot in a lot of the reels and videos that uh Oh, there it goes. Now I'm getting sleepy. All right. Um yeah, like the whole go with the flow thing, you know. Um, I was talking about the woman that I was talking to yesterday. She talked about having wasted a whole year of her life. And you know, if she were to go back out into the dating world and be like allowing for this to frame how men are in general when the reality is this was just one dude who was wasting her f****** time over the last year. Then her perception of dating, her perception of men would just be completely jaded in that. And you know, there is a number of different ways to go from there.

00:14:00 Courtney Brame: But that's not the reality. Like the reality is that um I would say that the kind of man who would string a person along isn't a man because men are historically like we're very cut and dry. This is what we do. We do what we do. who we are, who we are. We're disciplined. We're consistent. We're grounded. We're anchors for and and you know, people are trying to change that. And as someone who has been changed in that, like I still got my discipline and everything, but I'm much more malleable and adaptable than what your modern man is going to be or what your traditional man, I'm sorry, is going to be. I'm not your modern man. I'm not your traditional man. Like, I'm something else. like I'm uh receptive to new information that is going to change the way that I think or the way that I approach.

00:14:57 Courtney Brame: Oh, okay. I accidentally hit a button. I didn't know what happened. Uh or the way that I approach the world. Um and I really saw that when I went to that uh expert consultant s******* summit. I really saw it because I was the only straight dude and you know I'm still able to navigate conversations with people in the LGBT community or people who are mostly uh in the space predominantly women. In fact, there was a funny moment. There was one of the workshops there where they were talking about how I got there a little bit late and I think if I would have been there from the beginning, I probably would have left. But I got there late enough to where I was able to pick up on that uh they were talking a lot about sexual trauma. And my sexual trauma is not, you know, near um it's it's different. Let me say that. Like me having sexual trauma versus all the women in there who had sexual trauma, it just looks different.

00:15:53 Courtney Brame: So we had to write on paper what our fantasy was, right? And so we had to write it on paper, put it in this bag, and then we started the uh you pull one, read it out loud. This was the exercise. So we're going around the room and you know, you're hearing these long in-depth fantasies about things that partly have nothing to do with sex at all. And I'm sitting there sweating bullets cuz I wrote down what mine is. And uh I wrote what I wrote down was uh it was free use. If you like look at if you look up free use and whatever p*** like you you'll see what it is. But we got to and you have to raise your head if you also fantasize about this thing. So we got to it and mine was the last one. I was ready to leave cuz she was also like oh we don't have time to finish up. You know what?

00:16:45 Courtney Brame: We'll just run over a little bit and I was like f***. So somebody opened it and they were just like uh free use. Like they were confused. And then she goes, "Oh, put your hands up if you uh if you're into that." And it was just me putting my hand up. I just put my hand up and then she explained what it was. And then like three or four more hands went up, but they felt like petty hands. Like it was just like, "Oh, you know, I could be into that." And they put their hands up. But it was just a funny ass moment where I just realized I was like um, I'm definitely different to be in this space the way that I am. So I'm like in a room full of women who are in the sex education field or have an interest in it and we do this exercise and that was what happened. But anyway, um I know that it's appreciated like I'm I'm appreciated there and that that feels good because I had some side conversations and uh these were with people who you know I was like i thought that I wouldn't get along with because of you know what they talk about

00:17:52 Courtney Brame: in their views but they invited me in the conversation or like hey you know what can we do to get more men in this space or what would that look like or like how do you feel? Um especially as you know when they ask you are you straight? I'm like yeah you know unfortunately because if I wasn't I have a f****** blast in this b****. Uh not to say I'm not having fun anyway but I think that there would be a lot more I don't know. Maybe I'd be in a relationship if I were more open in that sense. But I think I'm as open as I'm be um I'm very much able to navigate the conversations. I'm able to navigate the real issues that people have and talk to it from logical, reasonable, rational angles as well. And I think that's enough for me. But uh even here, you know, like I nope, not not telling that story. Uh where was I at?

Establishing a "Program" and Leading with Intention

00:18:51 Courtney Brame: I was talking about, you know, being a man and essentially like being at my best allows for me to be trusted with the plan of action like like I said, Mr. Lucario says, you know, you need to have she needs to be on board with your program. Like your program being all right, you know, this is what I do. Um, this is my passion. This is my purpose. This is how I make my money. Here's how much time I got. Here's what we are going to do when we do have time together. Here's what we're working towards. That kind of thing. And a lot of men don't have that. And like that and without lack of better words, whenever I like to talk to women about their relationship issues, like it does stem down to that. Well, he doesn't know what he wants or uh he's playing games or uh it's toxic. You know, these are things that lead me to say, like I've always said, like I think a lot of times like the feminine has daddy issues with the masculine.

00:19:52 Courtney Brame: Like there's trust issues. It doesn't trust masculinity. And rightfully so, because I mean, we've been f****** up. You know, I look at this red pill s*** and it's like women this, women that, like women are the problem. And it's not like women aren't the problem. It's that men who aren't allowed who aren't being men enable for this problem to exist. Because more often than not, like I'll use this example, women with only fans. If men didn't pay women's only fans, then the women who have Only Fans would more than likely be doing something different, right? Because I mean, I don't know too many women who pay for Only Fans. I don't even know too many women who like are into visual p***, you know, like if there is um audio or storytelling or erotica that tends to have more of a draw to women than it does men, but men being visual creatures, you know, like on one hand, you've got the majority, let's say that like 85% of men, uh the general men are going to consume p***.

00:21:04 Courtney Brame: of that 85% we ain't got to do too many numbers and statistics but uh you know some are willing to pay for p*** and the kinds of men who are willing to consume so much p*** and pay for p*** and fund the lifestyle of you being able to make your only fans p*** is going to be like the kind of man who if they were to you know have their s*** together like being able to pursue you in a relationship, get you in that relationship and you would not really care to make money off of all men or as many men as you possibly can. And the men who Damn, dude. There's so much here to unpack and I think that I don't want to cross over and tangle up different angles of what I'm trying to say here. But um that that that's where a problem lies like with this over sexualization blah blah blah whatever however you want to word it because um if like our meat damn dude I'm all right coach Greg Adams he has this acronym money energy attention time all right and the way that men just waste that and aren't investing it into what's important or what's important to them by throwing it away to p***.

00:22:35 Courtney Brame: Like p*** is entertainment. It's not educational. And I think that there's an overindulgence in p*** easily. Like I definitely been one of the people to overindulge in p***. And I saw that there was like um there was a shift in my relationships because I started to not invest my money, energy, attention, time into p***. And I was able to invest that into my friendships, my family, my passions. If we have more men who are doing those things, then more men would be attractive. It wouldn't be 80-85% like your average man. Um, in the last episode, I think I talked about how, when you talk to the modern woman, what she wants is six-pack, six feet, 6 in, six figures, right? The sixes. And, uh, that's not most dudes. That that just isn't. And it's like the way that people speak about it, our meat, we if we put our meat into things that aren't our um our appearance, our like you can't change height.

00:23:43 Courtney Brame: You can't change penis size. You can change how much money you make. You can change how physically attractive you are. Like you can get in the gym and actually make changes in your diet in order to look more attractive and you can also make a lot of money. So investing in those two things for your shortcomings is something that I think we see commonly. And these men then become that top percent man that is desired by general women who you know are people who might have had shortcomings. And so they have these shortcomings and then they get money and now they get the women and now these are the men who are also being inconsistent or flaky or treating women badly or whatever. And now these women who go after these like top men are putting that same filter onto the general population of men and thinking that this is just what's out there and how men are, but that's not the case. you know, the majority of men.

The Forward Trauma Response and Authenticity

00:24:42 Courtney Brame: Uh, I shouldn't try- I shouldn't try and speak to this in general uh generalities because I'm supposed to be here talking about my experience, but this is me speaking about, you know, and to and for the people that I've spoken to and just speaking to these consistent issues and hoping that how I share my experience like is you're able to weave that in where necessary and also be able to see it from your own perspective. But I keep referencing that time period where I was just like I was just masculine. It was like all right, i'm gonna be masculine. And that s*** worked. And the thing too though is I think I realized that if you watch any of the YouTube shorts or anything online about the average woman or the modern woman, there's no such thing as an average woman. The modern woman um they want these things and I'm not these things. I don't have these things. So, it's like I can either subscribe to the game and like I did and I can attract that kind of woman, but that's not that that's not sustainable for me.

00:25:48 Courtney Brame: And I recognize that because a lot s*** most of the relationships I had have just ended. Um, I'm very fortunate that these women have been willing to tell me like, hey, you know, I ain't feeling this no more or whatever it was. And I think, you know, that comes from, you know, them wanting, liking a certain kind of man. And that's that. But in what's in my wheelhouse, what's in my control is being the best option. And I haven't been that. Um, for where I'm at, like sometimes people can see where you are and look at you for where you are. Sometimes people can see where you are going and look at you for where you are going. And um i think that I do a good job of continuing to move forward and progress forward. Um cuz I again the trauma response is fight, flight, freeze, fine forward. To me the forward response is you know you're what would normally be a trigger for you and put you in fight or flight is something that you're able to stop, pause, examine, and then decide to move forward the same way you have or to move forward in a different way.

00:26:56 Courtney Brame: And um that I that's where I'm at like as a man um utilizing and tapping into my forward trauma response. Uh, i'm working to be my best. I can't even say i'm working on it because as things are happening now, i'm able to address them in the moment. So I would say I am at my best and from being at my best things are going to be added to uh as they're added to and it's not gonna change you know the essence of who I am. Uh and since making the decision to be firm in what my program is, i recognize that uh the people who do come in just are on board with it and uh you know if not like short term like these are often situations that I can foresee in the vetting process. I don't do a good job of vetting partners and setting expectations. And that's really the core of what this podcast episode is going to be about. You know, i said that this is mostly for men.

00:28:02 Courtney Brame: Like, we really got to do a better job if we got to lead. You know, the feminine and the feminine really does want to not have to make decisions and it wants to be free flowing and be uh more artsy, creative, and expressive. Um, but we can't do that either. You know, we do that, too. That s***'s unattractive, right? So, we got to be anchors so the feminine can float off and in and within the safety of the container that we create, you know, the bigger container we create, the more uh freedom there is and the more attractive that femininity is going to be to that masculinity. So, it's very important that we are at our best at all times and then whatever happens like we're adding to that. We got to be our best at our core, at our essence. It ain't a matter of i'm making the most money that I can possibly make. No, like it's about who you are and the uh sense of your values and the characteristics of yourself like your leadership.

00:29:06 Courtney Brame: What do you value? Uh for me, I value transparency, consistency, reciprocity, maturity. Um, I value liberation. I value peace. I value um empathy. Uh, no, that's not what it was. What was the third one? Peace, liberation, evolution. I was like, uh, empathy wasn't a value. Um, but identifying where your value is, right? And then being able to once you acknowledge and you're aware of and you hold true to what your value is, that's when you add those other things. That's when you add your money. you add your looks. You can't add height or inches. I mean, you can add inches and height, but it's not, it's less natural that way. But, um, that is important because I really genuinely believe that our essence is what people are drawn to and it's just a matter of, you know, um, what keeps a person. I don't know.

00:30:10 Courtney Brame: I haven't really cracked that code yet, but i know that it's important to know our essence and then we begin to be able to communicate that. So for me, you know, being my emotional awareness, communication, intelligence, I struggle to communicate that. I don't know how to put that out there in the real real world cuz I think that would probably alleviate a lot of the issues that I have with dating because like one thing is um on Instagram like that's an easy way for me to just put myself out there. What I share, what I post, what I say, um my body, all of these things are out there and on Instagram. But in the real world, i'm not going to walk up to a girl like, "Hey girl, look at my Instagram profile and scroll through it and get an idea who I am. I'd like to take you out. Can't do that. Like, how do you demonstrate that when you're walking and you know, she's got her dog and you're like, "Oh, hey, I like your dog." Or petting your dog and also,

00:31:08 Courtney Brame: "By the way, I'm very emotionally intelligent and aware and available. What you think of that? Like, let's go out and get dinner." You know, I I don't know how that s*** works. Um, so that's a thing that I have to work on personally. like, yeah, you know, not showing versus telling. Um, I see a lot of men do this very well. You know, if they have a lot of money, you know, they don't tell, they show. Cuz a minute you tell, like that's a turn off for the woman. Um, or, you know, even with looks, like being a little more modest about your muscles and s*** like that. Like if you're flaunting it, you know, you might put off one particular vibe, but you know, if it's hidden under being well-dressed, um then, you know, it's like an added bonus when you take your shirt off, right? Showing versus telling. Um and it's kind of the same thing for me with emotional stuff.

Vetting, Power Dynamics, and Moving Toward the Future

00:32:04 Courtney Brame: It's like, all right, how do I show this? versus being like, "Yeah, girl. I'm very emotionally available and intelligent and uh aware like that. That s*** don't Yeah, it just doesn't work. Um damn, 30 minutes already." Okay. Uh the story. Oh, damn. The expectation setting. That's where I was going. So, um i ended up meeting somebody. Uh she stole my DMs a while ago. didn't notice cuz i'm very oblivious to like you got to you got to send me a titty pig in order for me to know you interested because i recognize that there's a line between flirting and like business. So i have to be very careful with that. And one of my board members warned me. She was like, "Hey, you know, you're getting more, you know, big popular in the New York Times and s*** now." I had to throw that out there. Um, and there are going to be people who have the ability to um, like come after me in a way.

00:33:09 Courtney Brame: And i got to already experience this. Fortunately, um, it didn't go anywhere and like i'm prepared if it does. But um yeah, just like uh i have power now and that's a thing to be aware of when somebody may express interest in me and um there's a power dynamic at play in present. So if it's- I have to be the grounded person to set the expectations of like hey you know i don't have the capacity for this or hey you know i'm interested here's what this will have to look like. Hey, let's talk about this or hey, you know, um I like we're we're going to maintain a donor relationship where like yeah, i just got to keep it friendly and um be dismissive a lot of times. And that's kind of me knowing my program, but i'm still i'm a little bit shaky cuz i have to recalibrate that s***. Like i hear from and talk to some very f****** beautiful women, like physically attractive women. Um, and i like my filters for all right, what has- what, what is dating, what's flirting, like, okay, this person's flirting, we need to have this particular conversation.

00:34:24 Courtney Brame: So, i've gotten really good about that versus um, you know, just like not not getting it wrong. Like, i don't want to get it wrong cuz i got it wrong one time very recently. Um, like me and somebody where this was clearly flirting. Clearly flirting. Um, and i look for a very specific language as well. So, um, me and this person, we were texting and it was like a restaurant analogy of some sort. And, um, when we got to a certain point of like dessert and calling dessert aftercare, but it was like a seven course meal. And she's like, i would really like to go for some of that. Yeah, I could use that. And what's that look like? Like really enjoy it. And then at the end of it kind of like said, thanks. This was fun. Um, but then i was like, um, what did i say? I don't remember exactly what i said, but whatever it was, it made me feel stupid after she was like, "Uh, uh, no, my boyfriend wouldn't like that." And i was like,

00:35:16 Courtney Brame: "Oh, s***. All right. I probably should have picked up on that somehow. Don't know how." Like, you scroll through a person's Instagram, you see how recently they were with their person. And I guess like yeah, it it i didn't think anything of it because i couldn't really tell like if this was a long relationship or uh if it was a day because she said like again like if you listen to the podcast regularly, you've heard me say that um we use language about like our partners, our boyfriends, girlfriends that like dehumanizes them. And she kind of said, "Yeah, my source of that thing just left and i didn't get any of it. It wasn't my boyfriend." So i was like, "Oh, you available. You just dating. Some dude that you're dating, not interested in, just left." And it's amazing how context plays a role in these things because like that's what i heard. I heard some dude you are normally f****** didn't f*** you tonight.

00:36:16 Courtney Brame: He went home and now you're like you're horny basically. And that wasn't the case. me and it just ended up being actually it's my boyfriend and tonight just wasn't a sex night and i was kind of left high and dry and this conversation was very stimulating and flirty. Thank you for it and that was just like a smooth like it was a clean way of just navigating that but i was just kind of like f*** like when else do i do this? Like have i done this before? Is this something that's going to happen again? And so anytime these things happen, i'm able to just readjust, recalibrate, and honestly get more oblivious because i don't want to make anybody uncomfortable. I don't want nobody screenshotting s*** and sending it to somebody and being like, "This is what Courtney said to me, so i don't want none of that miscommunication." And i've just like just just refined and um i refined that a lot and just been like, "Yeah, we ain't we just going to not do this." Like if you interested,

00:37:16 Courtney Brame: you got to really f****** show me you are interested. Like this most recent person who uh demonstrated interest and um we had a we had a few days together. It was a good time. Um, but i recognized that again going back to when people think they know me, they don't have to get to know me. Um, there was a misfire in communication and it came up when we were talking like kids. And speaking about kids, uh, she made a face and she was like, i just realized that we want different things. And i was like, oh, you just realized that? Like me, i didn't have the language for it, but it's like, damn, dude. i'm here. here. I didn't stay the night at your crib and i'm going to be here for a couple more days. Like, how is this going to look for the rest of the time? And no matter how much i try to set the expectations and it's not something you can say, it's something that needs to be experienced consistently.

00:38:16 Courtney Brame: You can't just say one thing. You have to also be able to back it up with actions. And that's partly why i'm not really a fan of the long distance thing because out of sight, out of mind. And you can really like to get um- not desensitized. You can fall off. You can fall off from being on the program. I need to take a sip of water right now. Reach in. Hold on. Cuz i'mma keep doing this throat clearing thing and that ain't going to sound good on the podcast. Give me one second, please. I guess i could have paused it and then took the sips. But yeah, here we are. Um, this feels like such a rambly episode. I wish that- I'm going to try and have a conversation with somebody. It's been a while since i've been interviewing people about these topics.

Authenticity and the Attraction of Presence

00:39:12 Courtney Brame: Um, or just like having a shared conversation, dialogue exchange cuz i'm as i'm saying things out loud, more thoughts are coming up and i'm wondering if wires are crossing and i'm being confusing at all. But i'll stand on this, man, is like the way that the dating culture is because the leaders of the dating culture are not being leaders of the dating culture. Um, and that's what i'm seeing. i'm seeing that consistently that we as men are not collectively setting the standards for ourselves. And the men who, you know, women say like it's like a power thing. You know, women are like, "Men need to be more this way." Like, it's hot when a man dot dot dot. And all this kind of does is, you know, put us in the mode of just doing what women want us to do rather than us doing what needs to be done and then women seeing that and being attracted to it because that's ultimately what they're attracted to.

00:40:16 Courtney Brame: Um, for the women who date men at least. And i've noticed a significant difference for myself um between when i was playing football, it was like football is my focus. i got to go to practice. i got to go to games. And regardless of how pissed off somebody would be that we got to end our time early or i got to, you know, like i have things going on like women love that s*** because there was a period where i didn't have s*** going on and i was in dry spell out the ass. And then, you know, fast forward to me having uh podcast recordings, having meetings and nonprofit stuff and like the way that i present myself having lit up because this is a thing that i give a f*** about. i care about this. This is my passion. This is a thing that would arguably be my purpose and this is also now my career because i'm paying myself now. You know, these are the things that women are drawn to and attracted to.

00:41:11 Courtney Brame: And i think that, you know, a lot of times women don't know that on the surface. And i'm specifically thinking about like the most modern women that i know because when we have conversations and i break it down uh to their situation, they're like, "Oh s***. Yeah, you're right. Haha." And it's like it's laughed off. is like, yo, that's kind of a big deal that you don't know that, but you agree with it and you are willingly participating in uh contradictory behaviors because that's another thing too is like we don't realize this, but our inconsistencies are off-putting. Like i tell people, you know, who you hang out with kind of determines how people perceive you. i was telling one of my friends, she was like, you know, i really want a relationship. I was like, yo, you hang out with people who clearly don't want a relationship and you put them on social media more than you put yourself wanting a relationship out there on social media.

00:42:14 Courtney Brame: So, if somebody is interested in you, like them seeing that, it's going to make them think, oh, you're just another one of these kinds of people, you know? Yeah, you should get to know people before making judgments, whatever. But again, like it goes back to men being men. We are who we are and we have been who we have been and we've been that way for however long. So, it's like, are you going to devote your existence to trying to change a man or men to conform to you, or are you going to understand this about men and then just decide which one uh like what kind of man is going to be the best for you based on their patterns of consistency, discipline, what they care about, how much time they have available, how much of their meat they're going to give to you, money, energy, attention, time, and what your requirements are. And are you realistic about those expectations? Are you realistic about what dating pool you're in?

00:43:07 Courtney Brame: You know, i hear all the sixes. You want the six-pack, 6 feet, six figures, 6 in. You know, are you someone who wants that kind of guy physically? You know, are you the kind of person who that guy is attracted to? Like a lot of times people don't ask themselves these questions. And also like again this is social media cuz people who are navigating the real world i think know this s***. Like i have uh who was i talking to? I was talking to a woman who was like yeah men dot dot dot. And she fills in the blanks with what men do. And i was like you got the keys you know you got the formula but like your behaviors are very much contradicting you know what you know to be true about this. like why are you saying you want this thing but you continue to go for this thing and you know that's not a conversation a lot of people are willing to have.

Discipline, Consistency, and Reclaiming Your Value

00:44:06 Courtney Brame: They'll just dismiss it as sexist, that was misogynistic, oh that's because patriarchy like that doesn't assess the behavior and get to the root of it and then make us decide okay here's the new behavior going forward. All right. So, again, it's really on us. We got to be consistent, y'all. Men, we have to be consistent. We have to be disciplined. We got to find the thing that we're supposed to do, do that thing, love that thing, and you know, unfortunately, like, we can't put looking for a partner first. Um cuz in my experience i've done that. And it's just been like that. It's like sometimes you get one, sometimes maybe you do, but more often than not, you know, it's not a sustainable thing. When i've put what's important to me down on the totem pole for the sake of a partner, it's just not worked out. It just hasn't. and i have become the most attractive, not physically necessarily, but overall because there's this thing that i care about.

00:45:16 Courtney Brame: There's this thing i'm invested in. i'm fully on go mode for. Um, i f****** do this. Like, i do this and i give a f*** about this and i'm getting better at it and i'm aligned and it's like an on switch off switch. You're either attractive because this energy is being put out and it's on or you're not attractive because there's no vitality to you. And also, again, we got to stay consistent. I'm going keep pushing that narrative, man. We got to be consistent. We got to be disciplined. We got to give a f***, right? We got to care about these things. And, you know, I listen to Mr. Lucario. I listen to uh FedEx Fearless. I listen to uh Kevin Samuels. And um you know people might not like this but even with a lot of the stuff that not the short clips of Andrew Tate or the Fresh and Fit podcast but like if you listen to the whole episodes and recordings and you have more context what you'll see are the consistencies there of how reality is and how it directly reflects um what some of the problems are which again the source worse of all of it is men.

00:46:32 Courtney Brame: Regardless, like it's entertaining to survey these women and talk about women and their issues or whatever, but all of this s*** really comes down to men. I hate the f****** phrase men aren't men anymore. Um, because that's not true. Men aren't men on the internet. Like your man is going to be working. Like I I can't even tell you when it was earthquakes and natural disasters and s***. Like me and my friends don't know about that s*** unless it immediately affects us or our family, right? And not to say, you know, oh, i'm the manliest of men. i'm the truest of men. But i'm f****** busy. And if i'm busy and not really making no money, i know the m************ around me who busy and making money are busy and can't be caught up in this social media s*** of trying to be more appealing to uh women and like it's a proximity thing. You know, i have made a point to step away and allow myself to be more present in the real world and engaged with what's happening around me.

00:47:38 Courtney Brame: And it's been working out for me. Uh because again like it's made me realize just how much influence social media and the internet has had on me making me do more of this like conforming s*** uh in conflict with my values. And again your value is directed at what your character and your values are. So it's not about being high value. It's about identifying what your value is. And then you want to pour your meat, money, energy, attention, time into that and allow for that to radiate, draw in, and attract the people who are going to want to be with you, who belong there, who are aligned, and then creatively finding a way to put that out there. Um, and that's where i'm at right now is making an effort to put that out there. So, yeah, that's uh i think that's good. Um, uh, a lot of the stuff that i say on the podcast, it feels safe, um, to me to be able to say things that, you know, might get you cancelled.

00:48:46 Courtney Brame: Like, oh, this is how men and women who date men interact. i think that's the most accurate way of saying it. Because again, like i have real conversations with people and even, you know, the people i follow on Instagram who say men need to dot dot dot. Like they boyfriends don't even do that s***. Like why is there … these narratives being pushed, you know, like even with attraction, accept your body, love your body the way it is. And uh i spoke to a woman who she was like, i used to be fat. Like i worked my ass off to look this good and i'm proud of that. and the world shames me because i didn't just accept that i was fat and that i didn't like my body. Like i should have just accepted it as it was. And when she told me that, like that really put a perspective change on me too in terms of body positivity. And not to say that like you should shape your entire opinion off of one exception to the general rule, but it makes me wonder like how many other people are out there who don't feel safe saying, you know, i'm very proud of myself for having lost all this weight and i feel like i look good.

Final Thoughts and Re-Calibrating Intention

00:49:53 Courtney Brame: I'm the healthiest i've ever been without being attacked by people who haven't put that work in, who haven't done that, who might believe that they can't do that. Um, so it's it's it's it's really f****** phenomenal what happens when you just have real conversations with people. And i that's one thing i love about what i do is that it has made me a conversation cuz i used to be f****** awkward, y'all. i used to be so awkward in conversation, but here i am now, like interviewing people and communicating my thoughts and feelings in a way that is aligned with what my purpose is and with my passion and with my career. So having all of those things overlap like i feel that i am the most attractive, the most high quality, high value that I have ever been in my entire life. And that's just simply because of consistency and a lot of my masculine traits like the feminine aspect of me is just like able to pick up on the undercurrent, interview people, hold space and be acknowledging and all that s***.

00:50:55 Courtney Brame: But when i'm retreating into working or when i'm like Yeah. When i'm retreating from work, that's where i'm at. Like, i'm in my masculine. Like, rejection, i'm f****** immune to that s***. When i'm filling out these grants and i'm emailing people, i get a little upset initially, but then it's like, "All right, on to the next." And that's what we're missing with a lot of men. It's just the ability to be able to, excuse me, do what needs to be done and and take on that sense of duty, like not in a controlling way. And i think that this is where my femininity kind of f**** me over because i kind of had this like i want you to. i don't want you to like me because i scare you into liking me or i intimidate you into liking me or you feel like you're going to miss out if you don't like me now. Like i want people to have the freedom to choose. I want you to f****** choose to be with me.

00:51:44 Courtney Brame: I don't want to have to play this game. And again, shout out to Erica for saying i don't have to play the game. i can just opt out of it and transcend the whole idea of playing that game, doing that song and dance because i know that was my bed. i was scooting and it made that fart noise. But damn, Leon f***** up my thought process. Um, i know you see it. i know you see it. No. Uh, but yeah, i'm so grateful for the conversations with people that i've had that allow me to be able to articulate this so well because i don't know that i don't know. i've not been able to. i've not been able to really communicate this and it feels right for me to talk about it now. Um, especially talking about my own dating experience. Oh, the femininity thing like um repressing s***. Yeah, repressing my femininity looks like.

00:52:53 Courtney Brame: God damn it, i forgot where i was going with that comment. I need to listen again and plug in what i want to say and i don't think that'll work. That just takes up too much time. But i hope that you were able to keep up with me in this ramble fest. Um you know, no shade to anybody who has Only Fans or anything like that. So, if you've gotten upset or offended, like talk to me about it. Don't be quick to just say, "f*** Courtney. He is this and that and that." But like, yeah, talk to me. Challenge me. Because like i've spoken to women who have trouble dating and there's a correlation between, you know, um how they put themselves out there. And like regardless of what y'all see on social media and what y'all post, like how you feel and reality sometimes just don't line up like the way that you feel. You know, if you were to give up posting on Instagram all the time, scrolling on Instagram all the time, like i know relationships that have been ruined very um relationships that had potential that have been ruined because of social media, because of Only Fans, because of um you know, choosing to on one end of the spectrum say i want the kind of man who would never pay for Only Fans and then be on Only Fans

00:54:09 Courtney Brame: and getting money and employed and uh having your lifestyle funded from Only Fans, but then also bitching about not being able to find the kind of man that you want, who is going to be the kind of man who isn't going to like that his girl is on Only Fans. Like there's this constant like back and forth push pull and it's like no. Well, men should know because then if men were 100% accepting of that all the time, like then you wouldn't want them. There wouldn't be a need. There wouldn't be a need in that sense to even have that kind of man. Like the kind of man who does one thing is going to be the kind of man that you do or don't want. And then the contradiction comes when it's like, okay, well, yeah, you know, this person, he's attractive, he likes me, he values me. These things, he respects like, where is the like Where's the line? And this is probably a hot topic, not really a place for a podcast on Something Positive for Positive People because it's not related to herpes.

00:55:20 Courtney Brame: But um more conversations that i've been having that are real. Um people have been very receptive. i get more feedback from when i talk the real s*** than when i do herpes. And granted, that's there. The podcast episodes are there. They'll keep coming. But just in between that, man, i really hope that y'all are able to take things away from this that you're able to put into your life and not just attach exclusively to your herpes diagnosis. Don't live life, you know, with the prioritization of herpes and your herpes diagnosis. And also, don't live in this space of inconsistency where you think, oh, okay, well, i'm going to just do this thing for now. like perfect example is like a lot of dudes don't like they a lot of white dudes don't like the idea of their woman f****** a Black dude. you you see this in p***. Um the p*** stars value goes down after she f**** a Black dude.

00:56:18 Courtney Brame: And i don't know if that's still the case, but i know that that was something that i've seen in interviews. i used to be a p*** enthusiast, y'all. And i was like, damn, that's messed up. When you do anal or when you do a BBC scene, it's like, oh, that's it. that that was the peak of your career. Now your value is significantly lower. So like even with s*** like that, man, like it it's yeah, it is what it is. You can call it what you want, racist, uh sexist, all of that. But at the end of the day, like the outcome of it is this. And i think that we've gotten very far removed from looking at the long-term outcomes of decisions now. And because of that, people are struggling. People are struggling to date. People are struggling to maintain relationships. Because all this really does come down to being able to be present.

00:57:07 Courtney Brame: And when you're able to be present, you're able to be present with what's real, what's aligned, and what's going to be consistent, not necessarily where the inconsistencies are. So yeah, i mean, take that for what it's worth. Um, i again hope that there were things here that you were able to relate to your own life and find useful. i look forward to whatever feedback that you know you have. Um if you got positive or negative feedback like help me help me calibrate this s***. And as always, donations are welcome. Courtney Brame on Cash App, Courtney Brame on Venmo, all one word. Um and then PayPal is Something Positive for Positive People. And uh Patreon is Something Positive for Positive People. All right. So men, let's go, man. Let's get it together. We got to be our best. We got to be the best option. And you know, as far as people who date men, you know, just understand that you want to look for somebody who is who has that discipline, who has that consistency. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself just bitching about the general population of men who are conforming on the internet based on what they see on the internet to what it is you want. So, if your relationships haven't worked out, like start asking yourself those kinds of things, like where uh or how does this person, who is this person, how is this person show up for me? Like, how do i feel? Do i feel most myself with this person? Yes or no? And you'll see you'll begin to see it. Um so, that's where i'll stop. I'll stop it here. Um please continue listening through episodes and again, i welcome the engagement. Thank you.

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