SPFPP 410: The Undercurrent of Communication - No Means No

SPFPP 410 of Something Positive for Positive People hosted by Courtney Brame.

SPFPP 410 Transcript

00:00:02

Courtney Brame: Recording, transcribing, we are good. Hello, welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization supporting people who are navigating herpes stigma. And we are more than halfway through 2026 already. And announcements wise, let me go ahead and get this out the way.

00:00:28

Courtney Brame: So, August 29th, which is a Saturday, it is. Yeah, August 29th is a Saturday. I've been getting s*** from people because I put the wrong date in the newsletter. I apologize, but that is going to be the last something positive for positive people herpes stigma expo. All right. And what this is is it's a day of in-person support.

00:00:53

Courtney Brame: Um, we're gonna be in lower east lower Manhattan in New York City. Uh, and the address is 120 Walker Street. Uh, for those who, you know, are curious about whether or not they can make it. Um, it's going to start out with the support group in person, probably about 75 minutes to an hour and a half.

00:01:13

Courtney Brame: We'll do a little bit of yoga uh to integrate, you know, and decompress from the support group. We'll take a break if you want. Um, you can have lunch with us there and socialize a little bit and watch some of the role plays where we're going to be having people act out navigating rejection and discussing their sexual health status and herpes status with a potential partner in a roleplay scenario, a variety of roleplay scenarios.

00:01:40

Courtney Brame: And um, you can volunteer if you want to be a part of it, but those will be recorded. Uh so you don't have to worry about like being um on camera if you don't want to be. But uh I am giving out gift cards for the people who do want to partake. Um it's a real simple thing.

00:01:58

Courtney Brame: It's just like you get a couple of lines and yeah, you just say the thing and then it goes out on social media. So um if you're interested in that, let me know. But otherwise, you can just attend the event. I've got one of my board members, Jordan Jones, who's going to be uh doing a workshop that is centered around um sensation play.

00:02:18

Courtney Brame: Uh she did this before a couple of years ago and it was a real big hit and I'm looking forward to being able to have her bring in something that's light-hearted and fun to the day, especially because the support in itself is going to be heavy. I already know that, but I want to just start out heavy and then balance it out with something light towards the end and have some playful time um in between.

00:02:40

Courtney Brame: So, that's a little bit of what you can expect. We'll have a sex therapist on site as well who's going to talk a little bit about um STI and just give some general information. But for the most part, it'll be a fun day. Um we're taking donations. The asking price, I believe, is $35 right now.

00:02:57

Courtney Brame: Um, so it's as long as you know people are willing to donate like you can get in. So if the price is an issue, please don't hesitate to reach out and let me know. But yeah, this will be the last event that we do for the expo. Um as I'll be working on something else, which I may have mentioned already.

00:03:14

Courtney Brame: Um I'm working on an in-person conference for 2027 that is inclusive to people with herpes um as well as the medical field. Um, so this will be something else that's in New York, but we're already starting the process for that to happen in August of 2027. And that'll be the only big event that I decide to do. So, if you're somebody who's listening to the podcast and you want to be up to speed on opportunities to connect with other people who are local to the area or maybe even in your area who are living with herpes,

00:03:43

Courtney Brame: go ahead and sign up for the newsletter because that's where the updates will be. I send one newsletter a month. Unless you sign up for a thing, you will only hear from me that um one time a month and that's really it. Uh social media is not on my phone anymore and it hasn't really been useful for promoting things.

00:04:04

Courtney Brame: So, uh I've been very busy with support calls. I think we had like 60 signups uh for the month of July, which is awesome. And uh yeah, I've been not needing social media to do what I've been doing. So it it feels a little bit like I'm disconnected, but I feel like the impact is way more deep in the sense of the people who I am engaging with.

00:04:30

Courtney Brame: Um, and I I can talk a little bit more about like what I got going on for me personally. That's kind of what this podcast episode is going to be about. So if you're looking for something that is useful for navigating herpes, this is going to be really good if you can make the connection. I will do my best.

00:04:48

Courtney Brame: I make notes, y'all. I got notes. And I know that I've brought the frequency of the podcast down to once a month. Uh, which has been really good for me because it's allowed for me to bring other things in. Like, I'm much more invested in my part-time job with teaching medical students how to give genital exams as well as um being able to indulge in some of my hobbies.

00:05:13

Courtney Brame: like I I'm taking the best care of myself that I've ever been able to. And it's it's weird. It's such a weird thing because I wake up at 6:00, 7:00 in the morning and between doing my yoga, my breath work, my meditation, going to the gym, getting my morning walk in and let's say it's nice outside, so I want to sit out in the park for a little bit.

00:05:35

Courtney Brame: By the time I eat breakfast, it's like 11 11:30. So, taking care of myself is like a 5 to 5 and 1 half hour a day process. And that's just Monday through Friday. If I had a full-time job, I wouldn't be able to do that. And I know a lot of people work, you know, let's say 8 to 5 as an example, but 8 to 5 ain't 8 to 5. Let's say it takes you an hour to get to work.

00:05:57

Courtney Brame: Plus hour. to get home from work. Let's say it takes you an hour to get ready for work and an hour to decompress from work. That's 12 hours right there. And if you're supposed to sleep for 8 hours, there's 20 hours. So, you've got four hours to get ready for bed, eat, um decompress, do whatever it is that you need to do between Monday and Friday.

00:06:18

Courtney Brame: So, where is that self-care? Where is that time that we make to um be mindful of our nutrition or move our bodies or practice any kind of stillness or restfulness, right? Everything is centered around like that. So, it's difficult. So, um as I've been doing more of this, I do feel that there is a greater quality of my existence here.

00:06:46

Courtney Brame: I feel a lot more useful. I'm grounded. I'm stable. I'm consistent. And all of my aspects of myself are really much more grounded rather than feeling like things that I have to grasp for or reach for and pull in. I mentioned the eight C's of my being, which are challenge, choice, consistency, um connection, completion, conviction, um curiosity, and creation.

00:07:17

Courtney Brame: So these are those when I talk about nurturing your nature. These are aspects of myself, my being, my identity that I validate through everything that I do. Something positive for positive people as an extension of my identity. That's an example of what it looks like to um have who I am extend into what it is that I do.

00:07:41

Courtney Brame: So I'm seeing it show up in this platform. I see it expressed when I'm teaching. I see it expressed when I'm creating. I see it expressed when I'm dancing. And there's one place that it's not really expressing itself fully. And that's what we're going to talk about today. So, um, this comes from and I want to shout out to I want to send a shout out to the women's support group.

00:08:06

Courtney Brame: Like y'all, I thank y'all for showing up, for being as consistent as y'all are. Um, and I know that the groups tend to be very heavy. Um, sometimes like it's it's intense the way that people share things, especially if they're newer to the group and, you know, navigating aspects of things that maybe resurface old feelings that we thought we've healed through.

00:08:32

Courtney Brame: But, uh, shout out to y'all for continuing to show up. Let me just say that. And so whenever we have these heavy things, I try and stay on after the call ends to bring in some more light-hearted conversation, to do some decompression and debriefing. And this most recent time, which was uh two Mondays ago, it was the third Monday of July, um I was asked a question.

00:08:57

Courtney Brame: I could I remember what the was, but it led to me responding with uh oh, I do remember it was about rejection, which uh the p****** article is released on um the p****** Sexual Wellness Center. Uh no means no, nothing more, nothing less. That's the name of the title. And that article that I wrote stemmed from this particular discussion in the women's group and what I was presented with was an opportunity to not be a hypocrite.

00:09:33

Courtney Brame: So I challenge the support group members to do things right like I challenge people with truth. Like what's true? Like what what are we going to do with the information that we now have now that we are aware of it now that it's been brought to our attention. And in my case, someone asked me, "Well, Courtney, how's dating going for you?" It was something along those lines.

00:09:55

Courtney Brame: And I was like, "I'm not dating. Like, I'm f******, but I'm not dating." And someone was like, "Oh, really?" I was like, "Yeah, I'm not good at it." Like, "I'm not good at dating. I'm not on apps. Like, I just don't do well on apps and I'm terrible at like initiating." And I think that I said that 99%

00:10:12

Courtney Brame: of my confidence comes from when I know that there's mutual interest or after we've already hooked up or we are in the relationship or uh it's gotten to a place where there's been intimacy like it's past the point of having to initiate anything and I have 1% of my confidence in initiating and all hell broke loose because know, everybody was like, "What? That's surprising." And I shared some vulnerable things.

00:10:43

Courtney Brame: I was like, "Yo, I don't want to come across to people as creepy. It feels like, you know, people are doing things. Um, earphones are in like I go to the same places. I walk to the gym and from the gym. I go to the park and if I'm on a train or something like that, it makes it difficult for me, you know, to really like meet people outside of the weekends when that's when people are being social.

00:11:09

Courtney Brame: That's when people are dancing or people are open and receptive, clearly open and receptive to communication. And I'll go to coffee shops and I I do a lot of things, but I don't initiate uh I don't initiate. And that's because of a lack of confidence in the initiation. Now, when the women in the group were talking, what they shared were some very insightful things that I don't think I otherwise ever would have known or found out because so much of my existence has been on social media where you hear the

00:11:45

Courtney Brame: highlights, low lightss of everyday people that you would otherwise never have any contact with. Right? So, a lot of what I have seen historically is, "Ew, this creepy guy, dot dot dot. Oh my god, I hate women." dot dot dot. And so all of those things to me have been internalized as, oh, don't do that because that one person said not to do this thing.

00:12:07

Courtney Brame: It didn't work for them. I don't need to do it. And I internalize that. And here I am, you know, in a room full of 10 other women that are like, well, no, like there's times where I'm out and I wish somebody would talk to me. somebody was had talked about being in another country and how like yeah the guys are just come up to them and start a conversation hit on them whatever and it's wellreceived and that s*** gave me anxiety because I think because I have

00:12:37

Courtney Brame: stuff like I have like this right I think that I fear whatever I do or say being misinterpreted being put on blast and like just getting s*** on on the internet and then being perceived as like creepy or having um going viral for some s*** that was misinterpreted, right? And the reality is like I've initiated things before.

00:13:07

Courtney Brame: It's just I I have talked myself out of it in a sense, rejecting myself and telling myself no long before giving other people the opportunity to say no. And what came of this was ultimately getting to a place of realizing that I myself am not afraid of rejection. I get rejected all the time. I ask, you know, people to donate.

00:13:31

Courtney Brame: I ask people to show up on time. I ask people, you know, for more vulnerable things as well. Um, you know, I asked some people out, they told me no, right? And even after the fact, like I don't assign narratives to those nos, but I will assign a narrative to a preemptive no. And that's what that like I don't want to call it insecurity but that 1% of confidence that I have that is applied to the initiation.

00:13:59

Courtney Brame: So as I think about initiating like my heart start beating fast. I feel like I'm about to s*** myself and I'm just like oh I I could never like I don't want to do that. And what I realized is that it's not a fear of rejection. It's a fear of success. I have come to learn that oftent times when I say things they happen because I'm the kind of person that follows things through.

00:14:26

Courtney Brame: And I'm I've been a lot more quiet lately, especially on social media. Um I've been more selective with, you know, how much I share who I share with. And I think too that having less podcast episodes is one of those things that has increased the quality of what it is that I have to share. But um I I think I'll weave that kind of thing in. But I wanted to give you the starting point and the end point which is getting to that place of fear of success and then sharing what I did and how I was able to move forward and then apply that

00:15:02

Courtney Brame: to navigating uh herpes and the the how we tell ourselves no before we give anyone the opportunity to and if we do give them the opportunity to how we in turn will often times attach a story to it and you know tell ourselves oh they rejected me because I have herpes they rejected me because and we'll just like lean into that when it could be a number of reasons All right.

00:15:29

Courtney Brame: So, um, this was also, so this is like a fake title. So, I I typed everything into my AI assistant and I had it like give me some notes to organize the flow of it. So, we're going to test this out and see how it goes. So, essentially, you know, I I said no just means no.

00:15:49

Courtney Brame: And when we hear a no from somebody oftent times after we navigate a discussion with them about sexual health, it can be because of the virus. But what can happen is like we can begin to make that mean so much more than it is, right? A person just doesn't want to accept the possibility of being exposed to herpes and that's it.

00:16:14

Courtney Brame: It doesn't mean that we are someone who is not capable of or worthy of love. It doesn't mean that we're dirty. It doesn't mean any of the things about our identity that we make it mean. Right? So, I mentioned my eight C's. having herpes. And when I tell someone I have herpes, if they were to turn me down and not want to move forward, what does that do in terms of invalidating my creativity, my curiosity, my consistency, my completion, my ability to choose,

00:16:45

Courtney Brame: my challenge uh aspect of myself, and the um the damn what's the other one? Consistency. I might have said consist conviction, right? And then lastly, the only thing that I can see it affecting is is connection. So that's one thing out of seven or out of eight total um values and aspects of myself that I'm experiencing bring up emotions because I wanted to connect with this person and in wanting to connect and extending an invitation to

00:17:19

Courtney Brame: connect that extension that invitation was just declined. Right? Rejection is such a big word, but the reality is that, you know, we make an offer, we extend that, and then the person declines it or they accept it. It's a 5050 chance that it'll be accepted or declined. And in the past, I've always said you'll get one of three responses when you share with someone that you have herpes.

00:17:43

Courtney Brame: You'll either get no thanks, me too, or tell me more. And no thanks is really the only, you know, declining of the offer. The tell me more is a maybe. And the me too is in most cases a yes, right? Um, and that's, you know, assuming that if you're on the same page about type and what that means and if the education level and comfort level is all there, right?

00:18:07

Courtney Brame: Like all of those factors. So what I have recognized about myself is that sometimes that narrative and that that process and being susceptible to that or being someone who subscribes to that and make us tell ourselves no long before we give the other person a chance to tell us yes. And we remove ourselves from the playing field entirely.

00:18:38

Courtney Brame: And so as I ah this is hard for me to say because I realized that at least for the last several months that I've been wanting to experience more intimate connection. Um I want to say like in February March of 2026 that was when I started to recognize like I'm not a polyamorous person. Do I like having sex with multiple people?

00:19:02

Courtney Brame: Yes. Right. like but that that's not a polyamory does not align for me. Um, I do recognize that I'm non- monogamous and what that can look like and it's a lot more of an expansive sense in regards to how it's important to me to be able to communicate. And I think that what I've learned in nominogamy is that it looks so different across the board that there's an expectation of communication and what that looks like for the people in the relationship.

00:19:37

Courtney Brame: And arguably like for what it is that I want, people would say I'm more monogamous. More monogamish is the phrasing. Um but I'm that's something that as it comes up, it'll come up, right? But um in ending those polyamorous relationships that I found myself in, what I did learn was that um as I started to date or put myself out there or put myself in I I don't I it's hard to call it dating, but in terms of putting myself in positions of pursuing romantic interests or pursuing people that I was attracted to.

00:20:22

Courtney Brame: What I learned is that I would tell myself no long before even like doing anything. And it's not even about my status, right? I would create all these stories for myself of, oh, you know, someone's unavailable. She's disinterested. She's not looking at me. I'm not getting hints. D and in hindsight, it's always in hindsight, right?

00:20:47

Courtney Brame: like afterwards hints will be there. And I've recognized that historically I've not been someone who picks up on subtle hints, right? Like I've always said, if you want to f******, you tell me you want to f******, right? Like enthusiastic enthusiastic consent is what I've been trained, you know, to be cognizant of, especially coming through the world of sex positivity and finding myself in spaces where uh sex is like talked about in a way that it has not been talked about for me in the past.

00:21:24

Courtney Brame: And there was a little bit of culture shock cuz I go out here in Brooklyn and you know m************ like grab the women, dance on them. And like that's okay. Like the request for that. The invitation is hey I'm dancing. I'm looking at you. You know you walk up behind them and what Duty Wine whatever it is.

00:21:42

Courtney Brame: I'm like gosh I could never do that. And that's the kind of thought process that I was having for a while. And I recognized like that ain't me. I'm not the kind of person who that's just not the kind of person that I am. And that works for some people. But for me, what I've learned is that I I don't think I was as emotionally intelligent as I led myself to believe I was.

00:22:06

Courtney Brame: like sure um in the context of something positive for positive people, listening to people, podcasting, interviewing, you have to be so present that it's not just what people are saying, but it's how they're saying it. And I'm on 10 with that. Can't nobody tell me s*** when it comes to listening to a person in this context because I hear what you're saying.

00:22:28

Courtney Brame: I hear how you're saying it. And I also hear what you're not saying. And that's something that I have only been applying here in something positive for positive people. It is f****** gone in any other context. And I shout out to the M. I'll call her M because I don't know if she want you know people knowing all her business but from the support group because you later on we had a conversation that she just let me talk at her for like 45 minutes.

00:22:57

Courtney Brame: She asked me a couple of questions, but that was the process of getting to the core of it, which is like, damn, one, I'm afraid of success and getting exactly what I want. And that's something that I am actively getting myself out of. Like as soon as I realized it that day, I started to take actions to disrupt that thought process and to begin to build new neuropathways that disrupt the belief that I'm someone who's scared of success because I'm not.

00:23:29

Courtney Brame: That that's not me in any way, shape, or form. So uh my outline I think I shared enough of the support group uh information and that what we came up with was that 99% of my confidence is in after the fact. That last 1% that one 1% of my confidence is in the initiation. But when I'm running the nonprofit, when I'm talking to doctors, I'm talking to med students, asking strangers at f****** dance class to dance.

00:23:59

Courtney Brame: Even though like I am newer and not as advanced as a lot of the other people who are there, like I recognize that again going back to what stigma does, stigma is a fragmentation of identity, right? And so the version of me that they see is a fragmented version, right? They see support group Courtney. I don't see Courtney who be out here in these streets like trying to figure out am I being flirted with?

00:24:28

Courtney Brame: Like how can I talk to this person? And then by the time that I make the decision not to do it or the decisions made for me, that's it. Like I'm gone. So they they held up a big ass mirror for me and yeah, shout out to M because I hit her up. I was like, "Hey, you said something very profound. I can't unsee it and I think I need to hear more about that." So uh we met up last Friday.

00:24:51

Courtney Brame: It was a couple of us. we went to a thing. Um, and at that thing, that was where we got to like eat some food, talk, be outside. That was when that fear of success came up. And again, like I I talked about my identity. Um, and whenever I am locked in to who I am, my beliefs and my behaviors are aligned, I get exactly what I ask for.

00:25:15

Courtney Brame: And what's so terrifying about that is that I get it. And it comes with a lot of s*** that I didn't ask for. So, dating and relationships wise, right? Like, let's say I I I can't remember the last time that I dated or was in a relationship with a woman who was straight. So, in terms of sexually, right, there's that fluidity of sex and sexuality with the partners that I'm with.

00:25:44

Courtney Brame: And what also might come with that is um incompatibilities that don't allow for it to happen long term. Or it can be that there's a lack of the ability to have like genuine intimacy or more like time together, get to know each other, right? So these are kind of examples of what comes with that. Now tying this in with something that was happening alongside this.

00:26:11

Courtney Brame: I mentioned that I'm dancing. It's been almost a year now that I've been dancing Brazilian zuk. And something clicked for me when someone who shout out to her o uh I'll just call her oh you o what however you want to think about that. But she had she was like hey if you ever want to dance together for practice let me know.

00:26:32

Courtney Brame: So I was like f*** yeah let's do it. And so we did this same weekend this happened. So, right before I met with him to talk about the thing that was brought up in the support group, I was practicing dancing and what I noticed was I'm initiating a turn of sorts, right? and or I'm initiating a particular move within the dance And she communicated to me that I was while I'm she knows what I'm trying to do, but I'm communicating other s***.

00:27:06

Courtney Brame: And I was unaware of what I was communicating outside of what I was intending until she told me and bells and whistles went off in my head because that is so clearly what my past dating and relationship experiences have been. And I think that in something positive for positive people like there's no leakages. There is no there's no unconscious um subtle communication here because everything is like right here.

00:27:34

Courtney Brame: We know why we're here. Uh I'm giving support and a person on the other side of this is receiving support. So that dynamic is locked in. It's in place. There's really no room for me to communicate things subtly because I'm asking qu or I'm not even going to say that. I think the subtle communication aligns with the nons subtle communication.

00:27:55

Courtney Brame: So when I ask you is that true and you know I I say some things that are subtle or the way that I'm saying or asking the thing that subtle communication is aligned with the nons subtle communication. So it's almost like there's these two worlds that are coexisting. There's the visible world where things are tangible where you see, touch, feel, hear, taste, smell things.

00:28:19

Courtney Brame: And then there's the invisible world which is the awareness, emotions, consciousness, and body language. Body language, how I'm how I'm moving, how much energy I put into a thing, how little energy I put into a move. These are all things that are being communicated in the dance. So, she shared with me like, "Okay, well, yeah, you're leading a turn, but when you tilt your chest, you're communicating these conflicting things. When you move in this direction,

00:28:47

Courtney Brame: it's communicating something different." And you kind of speed up here. And I was like, "Wow, I never would have known that had I not gotten the feedback about it." And it's not like what she told me was no, right? I didn't I wasn't rejected. This was something that escalated from me asking, "Hey, do you want to dance?" And we danced together.

00:29:10

Courtney Brame: And then it was like, "Hey, uh, if you ever want to practice, let's practice." And then we met up to practice. And then the practice led to this feedback. Right? So I didn't go in with the expectation of getting this feedback. I went in for the sake of just dancing. I wanted to play.

00:29:26

Courtney Brame: Right? So let's call it like I I categorize things in life in three categories. Work, rest, play. So in play, right, I think that a lot of times what people can do going into an interaction with someone is we think about the end goal. And I use air quotes when I say end goal because the end goal can be I'm looking for a a partner.

00:29:50

Courtney Brame: I'm looking for sex. I'm looking for a relationship. and subtly or in our invisible world. that's the outcome that we're attached to. And our physical actions and reactions may be like, "Okay, well, I know I can't just lead with that. So, let me like be more let me try and intentionally be more subtle, right?" And that could be,

00:30:14

Courtney Brame: "Ooh, this girl's cute. I want to have sex with her. Let me ask her to dance." Okay. Ooh. All right. Now, this is the trajectory of the thing. And I think that a lot of times as it relates to a herpes discussion, what happens is that we are locked into that and there's an inongruence between the subtle and and nonsutle.

00:30:35

Courtney Brame: I I don't know what to call it. Like I don't want to call it real because the subtle communication is still real, but there's an inongruence of, you know, you say you just want to dance, but really you trying to f***. You say you just want to dance, but really you looking for a relationship. you say you want to dance, but are you really just looking to dance?

00:30:52

Courtney Brame: And I was able to use this as an example because I wanted to dance and it was like play and that was what we did. So everything in me was all right, I want to dance with you. I want to practice dancing with you. So the whole time like that's the that's the connecting piece, right?

00:31:10

Courtney Brame: But if we go in and it's like I want you to accept me for having herpes. want you to take away this pain from me because I'm struggling. Those are the kinds of things that we can subtly communicate. So, tying it back to what I was trying to say, um, while I might be leading a turn or leading, you know, a lateral or leading a spin of some sort, my body language unconsciously was communicating something completely different.

00:31:39

Courtney Brame: And what I now realize in hindsight is all the times that I missed subtle hints because what happened what's happened is like that subtle world of communication is really where we build the building blocks to connection. And I've had a handful of experiences recently that now make sense. Um because I had somebody out and she was like, "Oh, like I, you know, I'm a little bit surprised by that." And I didn't get it until after this experience because the reason

00:32:09

Courtney Brame: there was a surprise is because there's this whole undercurrent of the reality that we're connecting, right? Where there might be these subtle hints in communications or things that are said that also have like a double meaning or little things that if they go unnoticed by the other person like flirting as an example, right? You might not say, "Hey, I'm flirting with you." Right?

00:32:35

Courtney Brame: That's real underneath, you know, of hey, you know, that's a you look good in that, right? I say you look good in that, but if I'm looking at you like this, damn, you look good in that. Voice get a little low, eyes get a little squinted, a little smirky. That's one of those opportunities where there's an extension of connection, you know, and being met with a thanks.

00:32:58

Courtney Brame: So I wore it for you. Oh, you wore it for me. Well, I can't wait to take it off you later. Stop. You better quit. Right? Like, had there been more of that? That's communicating sexual interest, right? That's communicating attraction. And because it's it's an invitation and the invitation is accepted and then it's potentially exaggerated or added on to that's the kind of undercurrent of communication that happens that when a person says I just didn't feel anything or I just didn't feel a connection.

00:33:29

Courtney Brame: I think that these moments are the building blocks of set connection. And the parallel here is in dance there's a lead and a follower. The lead is responsible for initiating, inviting, and extending the invitation. The follower is going to reject it, decline it. Let me use decline. I want to say decline.

00:33:49

Courtney Brame: They're going to decline it or they're going to reciprocate. They're going to accept it. And they typically will reciprocate it and exaggerate it. And the more clear you are, the more exaggerating they can be in reciprocating. And it was this big ass aha moment for me because I realized, damn, whenever people like flirt with me, I remember I was at Sex Down South conference, RIP.

00:34:13

Courtney Brame: Um, in 2020, what was that? 2025. Yeah, last year. And I I did my presentation. I'll never forget this. Somebody was like, uh, I'm I'm leaving. I'm just hanging out after I do my talk. And somebody was like, "Yeah, Courtney, you want to have a stars talk?" I was like,

00:34:31

Courtney Brame: "Haha." And that was it. And then uh somebody else was like I said, "Oh, I'mma I got to go to the bathroom." And somebody's like, "Yeah, you need somebody to hold it for you." I was like, "Haha." And then I left the room. And I now realize like that's clearly clearly an expression of sexual interest.

00:34:50

Courtney Brame: It's a subtle way of connecting. It's a I want to connect with you in these ways. And I just shut that s*** down unconsciously. Like did I want to connect? f*** yeah. However, because of my inability to be attuned to that world, which is why I say like the the emotional intelligence is not as like high as I thought it was because I should have been able to be aware of that.

00:35:16

Courtney Brame: And if I wanted something to happen, then the communication would have been like the back and forth with something like that, you know? Now, in hindsight, I'm the f****** most witty, clever person in the world, you know, a year and a half, a yearish later, after, you know, recognizing, oh s***, that person was flirting with me. You know what I'm saying?

00:35:36

Courtney Brame: Cuz yeah, they start talking like, "All right, come on. Let's practice. Let me see what you got. What you got? You go first." Right? Or it could have been, "Ah, no, you ain't got enough hands to hold this." I'm exaggerating. Let me let me not have people thinking out my my s*** out here like this dropping in on people heads.

00:35:52

Courtney Brame: But um yeah, like it's it's a invitation to play and that's what I'm learning. through dance. This s*** has been phenomenal. Like I want to I say this. Shout out to Jolene. She made the No Shame in this game documentary and she was like the last person the most recent person to tell me about Zuk.

00:36:11

Courtney Brame: And she was like, "Yeah, you should try you. You should come to a class." And I've been coming ever since. It It's It's literally will be a year worth of classes that I've taken um at the same place uh this upcoming Tuesday. So, I'm looking forward to my little oney year uh Zukaversary, so to speak, because it's been teaching me so much more about myself and how to navigate um the the the role of creating a container, right?

00:36:39

Courtney Brame: And I create containers all the f****** time, but it's been things that are missing from my awareness for me to really be able to lock in and create a stable container that has, you know, the the the safety, the security, the integrity for people who come into it to be able to reciprocate the energy that's there and to be able to exaggerate it.

00:37:05

Courtney Brame: Right? So, some people are going to decline the offer. Um, and I'm okay with that. Like I I understand that if I am who I am, I'm not going to be for everybody. My aligned behaviors and beliefs are my authentic expression. I mentioned my AC's, right? That's who I am.

00:37:21

Courtney Brame: That's how, excuse me, that's how I validate my sense of self. That's how I nurture my nature. Can't nobody else come in and like do that for me necessarily. Um, I offer like, hey, here's who I am. Do you want to play? And that play is just the opportunity to connect. Everybody ain't gonna want to play.

00:37:40

Courtney Brame: Everybody ain't gonna want to connect. And I I now see that. My mom always said this s***. She was like, "Courtney, you you too serious all the time." And I think that having distanced myself from something positive for positive people every day has led to me like having to figure out my identity outside of this.

00:37:59

Courtney Brame: And it's not to say that I'm a different person, but the person that I was, like I brought this extension of myself in as being myself when the reality is this is an extension of myself and who I am like I am an emotionally and physically safe person to you know most people I would say and in that identity and recognizing that this is something that is an expression it's a symptom of who I actually am, not who I am.

00:38:32

Courtney Brame: I'm like, "Oh s***, I don't have to change anything. It just need it just it's something that the processes, the way that I hold the space doesn't apply to dating. It doesn't apply to dancing." Now, these things are similar, but these are various extensions of, you know, who I am. like um as I look at um going back to the creative of the container as the lead in the dance.

00:39:00

Courtney Brame: I'm creating the anchor, the container for the follow to be able to accept the offer and then be able to reciprocate the energy and exaggerate it. And this starts from a place of wanting to play. I'm not going in with the expectation of this needs to be the end outcome. I want to have the best dance of my life.

00:39:18

Courtney Brame: Like that's peak in dance. Peak in dating is, you know, we get married, have a family, and live happily ever after, right? That's not what we go in for. There's a whole escalation process that takes place in both the real world as well as the subtle communication world that exists as well. And before I had no exposure to that until I started f****** dancing.

00:39:42

Courtney Brame: And then that dancing has led to me being a much better communicator. And like I'm much more confident. Like I'm 110% confident in something positive for positive people now because I recognize that the thing that I felt like least confident in I was not very confident in dancing. But you know I I show up and that's one thing about me.

00:40:04

Courtney Brame: Like I I say I choose to be here. I choose to go to the Brazilian zoo classes. I choose to go to these intermediate ones early on. Like I'll never forget that. I went to my first class. It was advanced. I showed up. I'm like, "All right, what we doing today?" And everybody was like,

00:40:17

Courtney Brame: "All right, everybody go do zuk." I was like, "What?" I uh and being uncomfortable, being, you know, the worst dancer. I don't know if people in the anime, but I watch solo leveling and Sun Jin Wu is the uh main character. He's the worst hunter. So the the whole thing is like they're hunters and he's the worst.

00:40:37

Courtney Brame: Like he almost dies all the time. And it's funny because my my teacher, he's always like, "Tonight you will die. You do this." and he'll give us his strategy like you might die but it's okay. So, it's always funny when he says that because I I do feel like a lot more confident now in the dance. And again, like this is this has been my biggest insecurity.

00:41:01

Courtney Brame: Like dancing is something that I am I have had no confidence in, but I'm confident in myself and it validates me because I went in with curiosity. Choose to be here. This is something that challenges me. I've remained consistent. I'm seeing it to completion. I am connecting with people. I get to be creative in my sense of expression.

00:41:21

Courtney Brame: Feel like I'm missing the seat. Curious. I'm curious about it. I get to be creative. I think that was all of them. I did it. Seeing it to completion. And I say that s*** with conviction, right? I'm putting my money where my mouth is. I spent a lot of m************ money on on Zuk classes and socials.

00:41:38

Courtney Brame: And I'm not mad about it. Especially because like I think that this has really enhanced my life and my ability to work and play and rest. So, um yeah, I said a lot in between this note right here, but uh in that time frame that the group mirror male group member held that mirror up to me. Um, when we came down to it, it was like, "Okay, Courtney, you got to start initiating." And I've done this before,

00:42:09

Courtney Brame: like, "Hi, I'm Courtney has gotten me into like a year and a half plus long relationships." And I think that that's kind of where the fear of success comes in because those relationships again came with things that I couldn't have anticipated that I didn't want. And throughout the course of the relationship, there were inconsistencies and in congruencies between what I'm saying and what I'm doing aligning, but it's the nonverbal s*** that's happening underneath that, the subtle things, right?

00:42:38

Courtney Brame: So like my as an example, somebody being like, "Take the trash out." So objectively, someone's telling me to take the trash out, but subjectively underneath the tone, it can be, "m***********, you don't never take this trash out. when I ask you to take the trash out, you know, you're supposed to take the trash out on Tuesdays. Here it is Wednesday, right?

00:42:55

Courtney Brame: There's a lot of subtext in what's being said. And I think that throughout the history of, you know, relationships and dating that there were inconsistencies in my communication using the example of the person that I asked out being like, you know, this I'm a little bit surprised by this. It's because I'm not going to say that she, you know, put anything out there, but also I didn't.

00:43:15

Courtney Brame: I didn't initiate, right? Because I wasn't confident in initiating. So, in building my confidence to initiate, it's like, you know what? f*** it. I'm gonna shoot my shot. And it's like, oh, okay, I shot my shot. And here I am with feedback that is, hey, Courtney, yeah, I'm a little bit surprised by that.

00:43:32

Courtney Brame: And that's not the first time I heard that. And I think that I go in with like trying so hard not to be attracted to people, um, not wanting to inconvenience anybody or whatever, and it comes off as disinterest, and it's like, no, that ain't the case. Like I just I I wear this stigma suit and lately I've been taking it off Friday 1 p.m.

00:43:56

Courtney Brame: until Monday 1 p.m. So weekends I've been getting into the practice of being Courtney, figuring out, you know, how that looks in terms of engaging with other people. And it looks like I I'm I'm extending invitations to play. And the simplest way to do that, I I had to counter or um teach myself that in being afraid of success, I had to define success.

00:44:21

Courtney Brame: So a success to me looks like being able to introduce myself to someone and say, "Hi, I'm Courtney." And let me tell you, the power of what we say. I said that s*** and I was immediately met with the opportunities to say this. One day I was walking to the gym and I got, you know, two buildings down from my gym and I saw this person uh who had a guitar, two big ass suitcases and two backpacks just standing there and I was like,

00:44:46

Courtney Brame: "Hey, do you need help?" And they they paused for a minute and they were like, "Yeah, I could use help getting these up the steps for the train." So I'm walking with them and you know asking like, "Hi, I'm Courtney." Or I didn't even say that yet. I was like, "Okay, well, where going what's going on and this person was moving back home which I could relate to because I had to move back home recently across the country and uh this person was a musician and it's funny because I I said I'm working on making a mixtape that I'm run into a

00:45:15

Courtney Brame: musician. Um so I carry the bags up the steps with them and fortunately they um or unfortunately their car didn't work so I paid for them to get there in and they got to the other side. I handed them the bags and you know I just like oh hey I'm Courtney by the way and they were like I'm and then they said a a name that wasn't cuz I thought this was I assumed the person's gender so that's why I'm saying like this

00:45:38

Courtney Brame: person because I assume that this was a woman but um the name that they gave me tells me that they might have used they them pronouns cuz I said she when talking to the security guard u because security guard was like did you pay for both of you? I was like m*********** I ain't going like this isn't for me this is for that person.

00:45:56

Courtney Brame: So yeah, hi, I'm Courtney. Happened and then leaving the gym, I'm almost I go to I'm walking the way I normally do and it was this dude on the corner who called me. He was like, "Hey man, what's your name?" I'm Courtney. He's like, "All right, Courtney." And then he started like rapping at me and he was spitting.

00:46:11

Courtney Brame: He was like, "Yeah, keep your head up. Keep doing what you're doing." And he was just like freestyling and he was like, he got to the end of it and was like, "Yeah, you know, if you can uh, you know, help me bless me with something." So, I reach in my thing and I do this thing where if I take out cash for any reason, like 10% of that or something like that goes to um someone who needs it.

00:46:30

Courtney Brame: So, I I gave that to him, walked off and I kind of like slick gave it to him and it was it was a lot um it was a lot of money and I heard him yelling. I was like, "No, don't look back. Be cool." And so, I just like walked off. I let go of any attachment to the outcome and you know somebody blessed me and so I'm I'm I blessed this person and it was another thing cuz like I very much enjoy um like rap battles and freestyling and music in

00:46:59

Courtney Brame: general, right? And I'm making my uh I'm I'm writing for my mixtape. This this is going to happen. I'm having so much fun just like thinking about it and the way that I'm listening to music right now in the process. But, uh, that was another case of saying, "Hi, I'm Courtney." And then I got invited to this conference that was like a very quick turnaround.

00:47:21

Courtney Brame: And when I go to conferences, I'm constantly introducing myself. Hi, I'm Courtney. And that uh that assignment that I had like was me working that muscle of just initiating even in the professional context. So that uh evening going back to you know the most recent time that I was talking about um I oh here we go that all happened before um the conversation.

00:47:51

Courtney Brame: So, between the support group, that was when I was like, I'm going to start saying how I'm Courtney. And then I met up with um the a couple of people from the support group and have that conversation and I was like, "Yeah, thank you for holding me accountable because I can't be out here, you know, being a hypocrite. I got to do what I I got to do what I say I'mma do.

00:48:11

Courtney Brame: And if I'm telling y'all to do things, I got to be willing to do it myself." So, the big test happened that night. So, we're out, we dancing, and what's crazy is I saw this person again, right? So, um, we're just dancing, having a good time at this little festival thing. I see somebody and I see her, I was like, damn, she is beautiful.

00:48:34

Courtney Brame: And another thing that I had to realize, too, is that a lot of times I'm unmotivated because maybe I'm not actually attracted to the person. So, that's something too that like I had to recognize for myself. Am I attracted or am I like talking myself out of the attraction? And I called it ego. I don't say my ego because it it's not mine.

00:48:54

Courtney Brame: Right? It's a collective ego thought process. That m*********** was like, "Oh man, she she ain't your type." Or, "Oh, she got a boyfriend. Oh, she with her mom. Don't talk to her." And so I saw she's dancing and her mom was with her. Clearly her mom, right? And they was just having a good time and they were in the same spot.

00:49:12

Courtney Brame: And I like I like that s***. Like if a m*********** can hold their space like so grounded, that tells me that this is a healthy person rather than like somebody who's got to run around a club everywhere, whatever, and like find new spots. Cuz my belief is everybody going to move around. If you stay in one spot at the club, you gonna see everybody there.

00:49:31

Courtney Brame: Or at the party, you gonna see everybody there. So usually I'll be posted up by snacks, but it was no snacks here. So, um, time passes and like and there's never any eye contact or any hints of interest or anything like that. So, um, we were getting ready to leave. It was me and two other girls from the support group and I saw her and I was like, you know what?

00:49:51

Courtney Brame: I didn't even think about it. My body just moved on its own and I walked over. I just tapped on and she turned around and she was kind of like smiling. We made eye contact. I was like, "Hey, um, I just wanted to tell you you and your mom like question mark." She said,

00:50:07

Courtney Brame: "Yeah." Or not mom, I said sister. I didn't say mom, I said sister. I was like, "You and your sister." She was like, "Yeah, my sister." I was like, "I have really great energy." Um, "Hi, I'm Courtney." And she told me her name. And then, uh, I was like, "Y'all have a good night." And she's like,

00:50:24

Courtney Brame: "All right, you too." And then I walked off. My heart was beating so goddamn fast. I felt like I was going to s*** myself for about 30, 45 minutes on the train ride home. But I was so proud of myself. I was proud of myself. I ain't ask for s***. I ain't tell it like I wanted anything or any anything like that.

00:50:44

Courtney Brame: But what happened was to me uh I taught myself that I'm capable of introducing myself to someone who I am attracted to. So that that little 1% % might have went up a little bit. Might have jumped up to 2%. Right? So, a little more of that confidence is translating. Not to say that it anything has been taken away from, you know, let's say things did progress.

00:51:09

Courtney Brame: Let's say that there was a date or like an invitation to interact with one another and play cuz I guess it was a little bit playful cuz I was able to pick up on the fact that she like she knew what I I said her sister, but I know that's her f****** mom, right? Like the the sarcasm in there and the smile, right?

00:51:27

Courtney Brame: So, I was able to be attuned to those things. Whereas, if she was like, "Yeah, my sister." I'd have been like, "Oh s***, that is your sister." Like, "Not your mom. Oh my god, I'm so sorry." And that could have just been a big turnoff if I were to miss that queue. So, like, I'm I'm proud of myself for that.

00:51:45

Courtney Brame: And also, uh, because the the girls from the support group got to see me do it. So, now, you know, I ain't just out here telling y'all to do s*** and I ain't doing it myself. So, that was it. Um, but yeah, I got her name, walked away, and while I was nervous as f***, it eventually stopped and I was like, you know what?

00:52:05

Courtney Brame: I didn't die. Same way in dance class, right? Like, you bump knees, you kick people, you, you know, confuse people with your dance steps and s***, but I didn't die. And while that s*** was, you know, my heart was beating down in my chest cuz I was in Harlem and like going back to Brooklyn. I had a long ass train ride to think about this s***, but it was like I I exercised this part of myself that doesn't normally get exercised.

00:52:33

Courtney Brame: And let me tell y'all this too, like a week later or five, six days later, I go to see the Spider-Man movie and um I left the Spider-Man movie. I walked my friend to her car and then we decided to go get ice cream and walking she someone felt familiar. I don't know if you ever had this experience where like you may not recognize like how someone looks right away, but they feel familiar.

00:52:56

Courtney Brame: And it registered to me. I was like, "Yo, that's the girl who I introduced myself to." Like I walked past her, I saw her and like my heart didn't start beating fast and s***, but like I saw her face and then like what really got me was like her back. She had like a very specific like build and she I think she had the same outfit on that that's what really clicked for me.

00:53:16

Courtney Brame: I was like, "Yo, what an odd What are the odds that in f****** New York City that you see the same person twice? Let alone it be somebody that like you introduce yourself and got no contact information from or anything. So I I don't know if you recognize me, but like I mean it is what it is.

00:53:35

Courtney Brame: Like my hair looks like this. I think I don't know. It ain't really a whole lot of black dudes that got their hair like this. And I did shave so I look like my dad right now. I can't wait till this s*** grow back. But I kind of like you see my jawline and s*** look like a model.

00:53:53

Courtney Brame: Okay. Also, I've been cutting my own hair. really just doing this little taper thing in the on the sides and the back. So, I'm uh yeah, feeling good about that. Anyway, so this is again going back to like we got to watch what we say, how we talk about ourselves because what we put out is what we take in. And there's a lot more for me to speak to about that as I wrap up my yoga therapy certification because

00:54:16

Courtney Brame: there's actual science behind this s***. There is science behind it and I cannot wait to be able to share this with y'all. Um, but I'm working on rather than having things input and then me immediately output them, I want to store them, metabolize them, and then express what's useful and like live that s*** so that I can more accurately speak to it.

00:54:38

Courtney Brame: All right. So, yeah. Um, the I talked a little bit about the the zuk metaphor, right? The direct and subtle communication and how that translates, right? And in the masculine feminine lead follow relationship dynamic. What I'm learning is that feminine people love directness, decisiveness, intentionality, good leadership, right? And again, this is an invitation like, hey, here's here's my mass.

00:55:08

Courtney Brame: Here's my gravity. Here's my world. Would you like to be a part of it? Yeah. You take my hand. Like I'm going to lead you through my world. and you have the opportunity because you accepted it, now you can reciprocate what I give you or you can exaggerate the s***.

00:55:23

Courtney Brame: And I think that this is what people mean where it's like you give a woman a seed, she gives you a baby. You give a a woman a house, she turns into a home. You give uh ingredients, they make a meal. So that creative process between the masculine and the feminine is really like it ain't about man, woman, boy, girl.

00:55:43

Courtney Brame: Like it's it's the complimentary aspects of a whole like the creative process like our when you bring these two forces of energy together masculine feminine you get a dance you get creation right and sex creation all of it is like a dance so to speak right you put a lot of masculine people together you put a lot of feminine people together you can get the useful outcome or you can get the most useless outcome, right?

00:56:15

Courtney Brame: So, you can be f****** talking about Real Housewives or Love Island, whatever that is. Useless, right? You can get a bunch of dudes together, hmismo, and then like everybody just want to fight everybody, right? Useless. Or you get a group of masculine people together and they build and they create sound structures that allow for the feminine and to be able to exaggerate and make beautiful.

00:56:41

Courtney Brame: So yeah, like we build these roads, bridges, structures for the feminine to be able to create in, paint on, whatever, right? And I'm not saying this like, you know, exclusively men, women. I'm mean this in the sense of masculine, feminine inter in uh interconnectedness, right? So the healthy expression of masculinity being the creation of a container for the healthy expression of femininity which is the exaggerated reciprocity of what's there the creation right so um in that context right the subtle

00:57:17

Courtney Brame: communication versus the direct communication directly I want you to spin but subtly I'm wanting you to do head movement and that can be real dangerous so the subtleness of hey you I want to take you out sometime. Right. The sometime is very f****** vague. It's not direct. It's not decisive because now you got to guess.

00:57:37

Courtney Brame: And again, shout out to Mike for telling me dance is a conversation. When he said it, I got it because I know moves, which means I know words. And now like putting my own flavor into it is that nonverbal stuff that makes it a sentence. And if I don't give that to the follower, she has to put the words together to create her own sentences.

00:57:56

Courtney Brame: So, in dating and relationships, if that invitation is not clear on who I am, and if there's an inongruency between how I'm saying a thing, what my facial expressions are, what my body language is, she's going to get mixed signals and have to guess what I'm trying to communicate to her. And that makes the dance less fun because followers don't want to leave.

00:58:17

Courtney Brame: Like, I'm I'm I'm seeing that now. And I'm confident in saying that, you know, most of the women that I know who date men or interact with us, they don't want to have to make decisions. And, you know, I I take it how you want, but like I'm speaking from my direct experience. Like, I have engaged with more women who are just f****** exhausted from having to make decisions and want like a man to be like, "Hey, here's the plan." Right?

00:58:45

Courtney Brame: And I've been that, man. But in the sex positivity space, so much of like I think that I've been scared of saying the wrong s*** or getting cancelled. So there is a lot more like questions. But in my teaching, what I've learned is you want to ask the questions like upfront and then you don't have to really worry about it anymore, right?

00:59:03

Courtney Brame: We're getting informed consent. We're talking about the thing and they're aware that it can be an ongoing conversation. Hey, if there's any, you know, in congruencies or whatever, bring that up. Like I'm not going to ask you every step of the way. Is this okay? Is that okay? Is this okay?

00:59:18

Courtney Brame: Is that okay? Right? Like if I'm picking up on the subtleties, then I know, oh, all right. I need to leave this person alone because this is not okay for them, right? And I'm I'm I'm seeing that like the more that I'm out, the more that I'm like talking to people and I'm dancing, right?

00:59:35

Courtney Brame: I'm even I'm even more able to pick up on like if somebody's not having a good time dancing, right? Like, well, okay, we'll see what happens if anything changes. And if not, okay, give a hug. Thank you so much. And then we go our separate ways, right? And then there's times where a m*********** lingle linger and like want to talk or be like, "Oh, we're done dancing already. s***.

00:59:54

Courtney Brame: All you got to do is say something. Come here." We can keep it going. Uh, But yeah, and that's the dance floor. But in dating, like you don't want to have somebody having to guess where they stand with you. You don't want them to have to like guess, oh, is there interest? Is there not?

01:00:11

Courtney Brame: For some people, that can be fun because it gives them an adventure to go on. But for where I'm at now, I'm 37 years old, and I don't really I don't want to put anybody through that. Like, I'm I'm very much more on the other side of things. like after, you know, getting to the other side of like the people that I've had um sexual relationships with, right?

01:00:36

Courtney Brame: Like I don't have to guess and like we can play. I can like communicate those subtle non-verbal things, but it's after the fact where I've struggled is at the beginning and at the initiation process because I was talking myself out of it and telling myself that getting a no means something so much more than what it actually means, which is just no.

01:00:59

Courtney Brame: And that's all there is to it. So not knowing what I was offering or being attached to a particular outcome that made it difficult for me to extend an invitation in a way that was congruent with my non-verbals. Because if my non-verbals are like, oh, you know, I want to I want to play this safe. I want to play this safe.

01:01:19

Courtney Brame: Then I'm closed off. I'm not playful. I am too serious, as my mom would say. And if I'm like, hey, I want to I want to play with you. Hello, my name's Courtney and I would really like to extend an opportunity to play with you. That's serious as f***. You can't take that seriously.

01:01:34

Courtney Brame: There's an inongruence there. But if I'm like, damn. Hey, you got a real pretty smile. I'm Courtney. Oh, he thinks I'm cute and he's coming over to talk to me and his voice is deep and he's got a little smirk and his eyes are, you know, what whatever's being communicated. All right, I'll accept this invitation.

01:01:53

Courtney Brame: Hi, I'm so and so. Oh, all right. Well, yeah, this what I'm getting into at night. What about you? Right? Or whatever, however the conversation goes. Like, damn, I'm over here. Like, I'm I used to always say I ain't got no game. But I think something's changed over the last year.

01:02:10

Courtney Brame: I got to write my dance instructors a letter or something. Just thanking them for for like just teaching me this, like putting it in a way cuz I'm the kind of you can't tell me s*** for me to learn. Like, I need to experience it. I need to be able to f****** and get it right and see the difference.

01:02:27

Courtney Brame: I need metaphors. I use anime references. I use the solar system as reference points. Um, and yeah, I I'm I'm I'm done missing hints. I'm done with that s***. Even if it take me a minute to respond, right? Like I'm I I want to play. And I believe that that's like why we're here.

01:02:46

Courtney Brame: Like I ask sometimes I ask people, you know, why do you think why do you think like whatever higher power force God made what this is? And the answer that I come to, the Before I dig into the religious text, which I have been doing, it's to play, right? Like, it's to forget the seriousness of being everything everywhere all at once.

01:03:07

Courtney Brame: Shout out to that movie. And just being able to play as a fragmented, you know, piece of consciousness that knows and is connected to that whole recognizes that we are everything and we're just here to play. We're dancing, right? And then our fragmentation, you know, maybe we're good alone, but also like what finding a complimentary energy to create the dance cuz like yeah, if you look at it, proton electrons, they have their relationship.

01:03:40

Courtney Brame: And the way that they engage is the same way that the masculine and feminine does. The masculine is stillness and it is it draws in the feminine, which is motion. It's chaos. And when you have a strong enough gravity, force, mass, that chaos, that femininity is able to orbit in its own chaotic way in a way that allows for it to be safe within the container of that field that has been created.

01:04:08

Courtney Brame: And that's what as a man my responsibility is as a masculine man to create and sustain that groundedness and be who the f*** I am in an authentic way on the dance floor in something positive for positive people in dating and pursuing relationships. And I feel so much more like grounded and and dug into that because of all this time that I've been able to spend by myself.

01:04:34

Courtney Brame: And you know, I'm I'm getting a little bit emotional thinking about that because it was very hard for me to communicate to people who were really f****** there for me during the worst time of my life in 2025. 2025 was the worst time of my life. Worse worse than getting herpes. Worse than not knowing where I was going to go to college.

01:04:55

Courtney Brame: Worse than moving to Houston and experiencing a f****** breakup. Not and getting fired from my job. worse than not knowing what was going to happen in 2020 uh because of the pandemic. 2025 was the worst year of my life, the first half of it at least. And it started to get better after July, but I still had my moments.

01:05:22

Courtney Brame: And for me, like dancing has given me a new outlook on existence, on life. And this is like part of it. So I'm I'm living in such a f****** way that I'm I've integrated. I've integrated. Like I again like I know I I'm going say s*** a lot but we are energetic beings that input store metabolize and then we output.

01:05:56

Courtney Brame: And I've been inputting putting dance. I've been inputting more rest. I've been inputting more self-reflection, anime, spirituality, and quantum physics. And what I've been putting what I've been storing is that information. I haven't been just dumping s*** that I know on social media or what I'm learning. I'm metabolizing it. And my nervous system is intelligent in sending the information and the feelings, the chemicals, the the mass everywhere that it's supposed to be distributed within me.

01:06:30

Courtney Brame: And then the output is I make it useful or I hold on to it and I'm like radiating this light. Like m************ say, I'm glowing now. I'm I'm looking like real lean. I'm I'm feeling that. I'm feeling good. I'm eating good. I'm taking care of myself, which again, it takes me about five hours a day, but it's very worth it.

01:06:51

Courtney Brame: And that output, right, like we we take what we we apply what we need or what's useful, we put it out into the world, and then what's not useful is waste, right? We we get rid of what's not necessary. But out of every experience that I had last year, all that bad s***, it just was fuel for me.

01:07:10

Courtney Brame: I chewed that s*** up and all of it wasn't delicious, but it had nutrients. It had nutritional value for me energetically going through that breakup, the way that that happened, having to move back home. My roommate, I think, might have killed himself, but I can't say that. my college roommate, I'm sorry, my college roommate, you know, I don't know if he you know what what happened exactly, but you know, dealing with or experiencing that during that time.

01:07:46

Courtney Brame: My great grandma being in the hospital, you know, we thought she wasn't going to make it and she actually passed away um a couple of weeks ago. My great-grandmother, she was 93. We saw it coming and I'm not sad. Um it it brought up feelings because she's the mother of the grandmother who passed away. Um and her funeral was on my 13th birthday.

01:08:06

Courtney Brame: So there are some feelings around that. But I was able to recognize and do what needed to be done for myself to take care of myself and then losing my home to a tornado. But everything everything worked out the way that it was supposed to because all of that friction was fuel. It was fuel that led to me continuing to go, continuing to I don't even want to say grow.

01:08:37

Courtney Brame: Like I I don't think that I've gotten bigger necessarily. I've gotten more condensed. I've taken those experiences and taken what's useful to increase the quality of who I am. And you know it sucks that I also you know ended a lot of you know friendships I would say because when I looked up I was in these polyamorous relationships And it's like, no, this ain't this ain't what I wanted.

01:09:02

Courtney Brame: And unfortunately, I lost some people who really f****** held me down during the worst time of my life when I had a greater quantity to give. I was able to, but I had nothing. I had nothing for myself. I didn't even have a place to stay. Like the wind is a very the tornado is a very poetic thing because it's the wind element and wind is representative of vata energy which is just it's chaotic it's wild it's ungrounded and that's the state that I was in and I needed

01:09:44

Courtney Brame: more grounding I needed stability and now here I am I'm in New York I got my my room in a in an apartment I got my routine I'm working consistently And yeah, I'm grounded. I'm very grounded and the quality of what I have to give while it's less quantity is f****** magnificent. And you know, I apologize to those people I've hurt and the people that I've, you know, mis miscommunicated with.

01:10:22

Courtney Brame: Going back to the subtle things, right? like I'm saying things and doing things and the the nonverbals, the subtle stuff was confusing the f*** out of people. And I apologize, you know, I I doubt they listening to this, but I'm saying it out there, saying it out loud. For anybody who tolerated me in 2025 and early 2026, I'm a whole I don't want to say I'm different now, but there's more congruence.

01:10:53

Courtney Brame: I got a lot more conviction than what I had previously. I know who I am. Ain't nobody gonna convince me I'm anything else. And I'm ready. I'm ready for the universe to test me. It already did. Actually, it threw somebody at me, y'all. We ain't We ain't gonna talk about that here.

01:11:11

Courtney Brame: Let me get through this podcast episode. And maybe at the end we can do a little decompression. But um yeah, I I've talked Oh, I already talked about what chemistry is. Yeah. Like it's being able to connect on those subtle things and being able to, you know, someone's like, "Yeah, having that example that I just gave." I think I learned from teaching.

01:11:32

Courtney Brame: I I just had that epiphany right now like somebody I'm thinking about dance class. She was in town briefly and she was new and I communicated to her. Maybe it's because I'm so new that I was able to be like, "Oh yeah, here here's a simplified way of doing it." She's like, "Oh my god, you're such a great teacher." And I was like,

01:11:49

Courtney Brame: "Me? I just started. But yeah, this might be how I learn. So, just tying all this back to, you know, dating and navigating, you know, the discussion about our sexual health. Um, we have to have that consistency between what we're saying and how we're saying it. Our words might be like, oh, you know, I have I have herpes and it's just a skin condition.

01:12:16

Courtney Brame: I manage it well. But then underneath that, are we scrouched up? Are we looking away? Are we checking for their body language and responses? Like, what are we screaming? Are we screaming? I'm scared. Please don't leave me. Don't reject me. I need you to accept me.

01:12:31

Courtney Brame: Uh all the power is yours. And a person can be, you know, unclear on how to receive that information because of the confusion there. So when we do this, it's not just like telling people here's the data, here's the information. Like what what are we feeling? What are our emotions about it? What's our energy saying, right?

01:12:51

Courtney Brame: Do our words align with our subtle communication? And you know, even if you do it perfectly, that person still might say no. And that doesn't mean anything about your identity. It says nothing about who you are. It just says that no. Like you you extended an invitation and they said no. And that's okay.

01:13:15

Courtney Brame: We ain't supposed to be for everybody. Who we are is not supposed to be for every single person. And I I think that, you know, historically I've been the kind of person who I I tried I tried to be liked by everybody. And I think I talked about this. Yeah, I did talk about this.

01:13:33

Courtney Brame: I had somebody hang up on me for for the first time this year on a herp support call. And I wasn't for that person, you know, and hopefully, you know, he gets the support and help that he needs. But this is who I am. and you know being told no when you know shoot my I I can't even say shoot my shot no more.

01:13:56

Courtney Brame: I I I cannot allow myself to say that. I'm not shooting my shot. I am extending invitations for play and I operate under the law of assumption that everybody wants to play. Maybe they don't want to play with me. Maybe they do want to play with me. and play can contextually be engaging in a conversation or sharing an observation.

01:14:23

Courtney Brame: It can be sharing space and you know just laughing with each other or it can be a date or it can be an exchange of contact information that leads to something else. It can go wherever it can go. But that's the whole thing about play. Like play doesn't have an intended outcome all the time. Like yeah, you know, of course we want things to happen, but play there is no attachment to outcome, which makes it so much more fun, which makes it so much better about um it makes connecting so much better.

01:14:59

Courtney Brame: And that's what dance is. Dance is just we dancing for the sake of dancing. Ain't no outcome. We ain't keeping score. I mean, there there's things that do keep score, but we just dance for the sake of dancing. So, let's play for the sake of playing. And now taking that approach into, "Hi, I'm Courtney, you know? Like,

01:15:16

Courtney Brame: I I can't wait to use this. I got a bomb ass like just fun line to use." Uh, I should have done it today, but I I was I was scared, y'all. I was shy and I was on the phone. That's my excuse. But uh someone walked by and there was somebody that I found attractive.

01:15:31

Courtney Brame: I'm in f****** Brooklyn. Like almost everybody that I see that I'm like, "Oh, is attractive? She had a dog with her and I'mma give y'all this so you can use it." Right? And I just imagine like looking at the dog and being like, "Oh, is she friendly?" And then like the owner clearly hearing it being like whatever.

01:15:52

Courtney Brame: Oh, she's a boy. I'm like, "Oh, you are. I was talking to her. I was talking to the dog. I can't wait to use that and see how it goes. But I do imagine that if the dog's actually a girl, she'll be like, "Oh yeah, she she doesn't like men." That that would be like the ultimate like subtle communication,

01:16:11

Courtney Brame: but it's overt, so it's like got a double entandra to it. But see, that's what my mind does. Like I'm already telling myself, "Hey, you shouldn't do that because what's going to happen is you gonna do that s*** to a lesbian with a girl dog and it's gonna backfire on your ass." But also like what if that doesn't happen?

01:16:28

Courtney Brame: What if I get what I want and that's the f****** thing that I'm afraid of, right? Because what comes with that? So if I go up to a woman I'm attracted to and you know I look at the dog and I'm like, "Oh, hey, is she friendly?" And she goes, she like, "Oh, yeah. You know,

01:16:46

Courtney Brame: she she's uh she she really likes men." Like, "Oh, that's good to know." Well, I'm Courtney. And what's your dog's name, too? Like, what what's your name? What's your dog's name? I was talking about you. She like, "Stop." Well, I ain't get anxiety when I just said that.

01:17:05

Courtney Brame: So, maybe it'll work. So, I I hate to be I f*** around and end up in another relationship and it be with somebody who I use this line on and she like, "And you be using that on everybody?" That'd be funny. Um, but no, this was just for you, baby. In case you listening, future Courtney, you gonna be proud of me for that one.

01:17:26

Courtney Brame: Uh, but yeah, I don't think people listening at this point in the podcast anyway. It's been more than an hour. Uh, but I I hope that this was useful to y'all. Like, that's how I'm choosing to look at it. I'm extending an invitation and people are accepting it, reciprocating it. Um, and it's an invitation to play.

01:17:43

Courtney Brame: I used to think that I needed a reason to talk to somebody. And it's so easy for me to talk to people at a conference, at a workshop, at an event, ask someone to dance at a dance social, right? It it's easy because there is no or there is a reason whereas out in the streets out in you know regular public situations which I I've done this s*** before and it's just like a mental block which is why it's important for me to just do the s*** before thinking about it or thinking myself out of it and telling myself no.

01:18:20

Courtney Brame: We will reject ourselves far quicker than we will give anyone the opportunity to reciprocate with us to accept the invitation. So think about it like this. I am not discussing my sexual health status with you for the goal outcome of us getting married, having a family together, and living happily ever after. This is because I want to play.

01:18:46

Courtney Brame: And everybody likes to play. Do you want to play with me? Here's some of the Do you want to dance with me? Here's the song. Here's the music. Here's the genre. The genre just so happens to be I have herpes. So, you know, this is the This is the beat.

01:19:02

Courtney Brame: This is the movements, right? And let people make that decision. Damn, this feel like a good ass podcast episode, y'all. I ain't going to lie to you. I feel like I was I was on track. Shout out to Gemini. Google Gemini for uh making these notes and taking my disordered ass thought process and aligning it in the way that I think flowed smooth.

01:19:27

Courtney Brame: Even though I ain't really used it the whole time, I just kind of looked at it to make sure. I was like, "Oh, I did talk about that. I talked about that." So, it it went in order, man. But yeah, I appreciate y'all. I appreciate y'all for being here. I think this has been good for me because I do need to talk more.

01:19:42

Courtney Brame: like I'm I'm working on building, you know, community for myself, but I it's it's such a gray area, y'all, because like this is how I f****** meet people and the the ethics of things, right? Like between socializing, professionalism, and you know, running support groups and like how do you make friends? Like I just hung out with a dude cool as f*** that I gave support to like four years ago, I want to say.

01:20:10

Courtney Brame: and um he had joined one of the support group meetings and we like hung out and ate and got a drink and it was just cool as f***. And I'm like like questioning, oh my god, like can you do this? Like can you make friends this way? Like what about you know in dating like obviously like there's there's all these ethics and s*** that I know that I got to be aware of, be careful of and things like that.

01:20:32

Courtney Brame: So like I have my boundaries around like who I meet, how I meet him, if we date, what happens, and that that's like ah so I'm I'm working on just being able to like f****** make friends and just invite people to play. Like I love when I go to Houston, I love going to Houston because my friends are there and we we we know each other.

01:20:55

Courtney Brame: They know I'm weird as f*** and they don't care. I love that unconditional acceptance from my friends. And at 37, it is very hard to develop that and build that and to nurture that. But um I said it out loud, so f***. I'm committed to it now. I'm committed to it now.

01:21:17

Courtney Brame: So I very much look forward to I'm I'm going out tonight. I'm going to go out tonight. I'm I'mma do two things. I'm going to go and uh I'm going go to this Brazilian zuk social. I'mma dance and you know do some practice my moves and then I'm going to go to this R&B night and I'm I'm extending invitations to play.

01:21:38

Courtney Brame: That's my mindset. And I had some coffee earlier. This this ain't coffee. This just my hot water in my man cup. Shout out to I don't know if she want me saying her name, but I got this cup from somebody. I don't know if she'll see it, but I appreciate the the thing that we did in order for me to have gotten this cup.

01:21:57

Courtney Brame: Even though this m*********** was way more expensive than it should have been, but it was the last man cup. My water got cold. This was boiling when I started the podcast. All right, y'all. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Um, support groups for women are the first and third Monday of each month, uh, 7:30 p.m.

01:22:19

Courtney Brame: Eastern time. If you want to join, we need to have a support call first so that you can be vetted and introduced to the expectations and get a little bit of that stuff off your chest that maybe you haven't gotten to speak to for the first time so that you don't come in emotionally dumped and then feel like you got an emotional hangover and we never see you again.

01:22:38

Courtney Brame: The men's group meets on the fourth Monday of each month, 7:30 p.m. Eastern time. And there's just less men and we don't need a lot of time and less frequency as well. If we get more men, we'll get more men's groups. If there are five Mondays in the month, like there is in August, I'll bring a guest.

01:22:54

Courtney Brame: This month is going to be uh Marina Clear, who's a sex therapist. Um, and I'm looking forward to having her. like I I I really do want for her to share a little bit with y'all about some of her personal experiences, but she's also going to share about like shame and sex. So, that'll be the primary topic.

01:23:12

Courtney Brame: If there are five Mondays, that's what we do. It's a co-ed group. You make the donation if we've already had a call to the support group that you want to be a part of, and you'll be added to the most uh soon upcoming support group. That's just what the process is. I don't care how much you donate.

01:23:29

Courtney Brame: That's the process for getting into the support group, y'all. Um, and then, yeah, I'm working on the 2027 uh, herpes stigma conference. This is going to be a big deal. It's going to be in New York. It'll be in August 2027. And that's where I'm diverting my energy to. Um, and yeah, I if I I could use more guests for the podcast so that it's not all my personal experiences.

01:23:56

Courtney Brame: I do enjoy this and uh talking and sharing my experiences and making them useful cuz it's a really good reflection exercise for me and I think that this helps me with releasing and letting go of things energetically that otherwise I would hold on to. So um I don't know the once a month podcast it kind of feels like not enough and I I got rid of myself podcast um but we we'll see what happens.

01:24:24

Courtney Brame: I like this once a month thing and then it lets me be more focused on the newsletter, but also like if I'm not on social media, that frees up a lot of my time and space as well. If I'm not on social media as much. All right, I'm done. Let me stop. Let me stop talking.

01:24:38

Courtney Brame: Uh, till next time, stay present. That concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Rusty, y'all. Please like, rate, review, share, subscribe to the podcast, reach out if you want to be a guest. Yes, you need to be on camera. I'm done perpetuating stigma. Um, uh, Herp Stigma Expo, August 29th, all day 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. New York City, 120 Walker Street. Hit me up. Peace out. Let me stop this first.

Transcription ended after 01:25:09