I’m Not Disclosing My Herpes Status - I’m discussing it

Actually, I am, but I had to get that emotional reaction from you to appease the algorithm. It worked because you found it, though, right!?

I didn’t always have herpes. When I got it, I didn’t know I had it, either. I don’t have any idea how long I’ve had it; I just know when I had my first symptoms. Until that point in my life, nobody once told me, “I have herpes.” Nobody disclosed it to me.

I say that NOT as a setup for retaliation to the world of not disclosing to someone else, but to say that maybe if that word wasn’t the focal point of conversation, then maybe whoever gave it to me would’ve been able to give me the option of whether or not to expose myself. Maybe they would’ve been given a choice, and whoever gave them the choice was given a choice.

The Cycle of Choice

Just like there’s this cycle of ‘disclosure,’ there’s also the cycle of choice. To be able to choose whether or not to accept the risk by default minimizes the risk of transmission. Not only does the person with herpes feel less anxious about when to tell their partner, but the other person is also able to trust that they’re with someone who both knows their own status AND can identify when symptoms are present and refrain from acts that can lead to exposure.

Why We Need to Drop the “D” Word

But think about that ‘d’ word: disclosure.

When you read that, think the word, or hear people talk about that regardless of context, what do you think about? I think of legal documents and confessions. When it comes to initiating a conversation about sexual health, that should never feel like a disclosure.

By definition, disclosure means to make secret or previously hidden information known, or to uncover something and expose it. Herpes translates from the ancient Greek word herpein, which translates to “to creep” or “to crawl.” This language validates and reaffirms its identity as something to remain hidden and secret.

Our identification with this virus creates the emotional charge that comes with our text, our posting on a dating site, our voice on the phone, and our body language when we go into a sexual health conversation with a partner thinking we are "disclosing."

You Are Learning Them, Too

“I have to disclose” implies an inherent self-view as less than the other person.

Think about it. You go on a date and you expect that this person has to accept or reject you. The reality is, the other person may not look like their pictures on the dating app. You might not like the way they chew their food and get way turned off. Their breath may stink. They could say something off-putting. For a plethora of other reasons, they just may not be a fit for you.

However, when we’re hung up on having to disclose, we can’t expand our thought process beyond the possibility of BEING rejected rather than having to reject someone ourselves.

From Confession to Co-Creation

Consider this: I don’t have to tell you I have herpes. I don’t have to disclose this to you. It’s not a confession. It’s a discussion. It’s a conversation. We can shift how we feel going into the conversation just with that alone. It isn’t a me against you thing. It’s a we/us thing. If WE are talking about OUR sexual health vs. me talking about mine to you, it’s a collaborative effort.

If we can talk about our sexual health and safety needs, then we will absolutely be able to talk about our sexual pleasure desires. Disclosure implies a me vs. you dynamic nonverbally before we even speak the words. Knowing we’re going into a date to discuss our sexual health status with a partner as a conversation can be overwhelming because it’s more unpredictable than going in, knowing what we want to say, saying it, and then waiting.

But people don’t connect that way. Imagine if someone told you, "Hey look, don’t say anything, I need to get this out. I have this thing you might get from me. So before you get to know me, I just needed to say that to you." What do you do with that?

A Script for Navigating the Sexual Health Conversation

Now imagine going in after some rapport has been co-created. Maybe there’s some flirting happening. Then you just say:

"I can see us going back to my place/your place after this, so before all the blood flow goes away from our brains cause I’m so attracted to you, let’s talk about our sexual health. You good to have that talk now?"

"Yeah? Great!"

"Here’s when I was last tested for STIs. I was tested for [name the things] and those came back negative. What about you?"

This is where you hear them say what they’ve been tested for. If anything is added or missing, you can ask about that. Maybe they don’t say they were tested for herpes, and you can ask: "Have you been tested for herpes?" Let their response further keep the conversation going.

Maybe they didn’t get an oral swab and are unaware you can transmit STIs orally. This may lead to a conversation about oral sex and safety needs as well. See, we haven’t even told them we have herpes yet, and we’re already learning about their sexual health status too!

After the talk about what came back negative, let’s transition to:

• "I haven’t gotten tested for herpes because I get cold sores." * Or even say, "I tested positive before for herpes. What about you?"

So far, how does this feel as you read it? It’s better than disclosing, right? From there, you’ve now shared your positive herpes status with your potential partner and now they may have questions, they may have herpes themselves, or have dated someone in the past who has it. No matter what, you can have a conversation. Sometimes it ends with something as simple as just talking about condom use with one another. After that, you can jump right into sexy talk about all the things you’re going to do to each other or whatever you’re into.

Disclosure is Done

When it comes to living with herpes and dating with herpes, we gotta get rid of the “d” word unless we’re discussing our sexual health status. But disclosure is dead. It’s a discussion.

If people had this framework for navigating sexual health conversations before having a reason to bring it up like a herpes diagnosis, I’m not going to say more people wouldn’t have herpes, but there’d be less secrecy behind it and people could actually have conversations about their health. This can make it easier for people with herpes to have the conversation if people who don't have herpes also had an incentive to initiate this discussion, too.

Sex should never be associated with shame or secrecy, and neither should herpes. Together with our partners, let’s disrupt this status quo of "because I have something, I have to tell you," and let’s start setting the standard that WE need to talk about OUR sexual health.

To see this in action, visit www.spfpp.org/how-to-disclose