SPFPP 403: Courtney’s 13 Year Herpes Anniversary

Are you letting a herpes diagnosis dictate all 360 degrees of your identity? In Episode 403 of Something Positive for Positive People, Courtney Brame celebrates his 13-year "herp-versary" with an honest reflection on how his relationship with his diagnosis has evolved. After a successful Herpes Stigma Expo in Brooklyn and a conscious break from social media, Courtney discusses the difference between being engaged and being truly present. Tune in for a raw discussion on identity fragmentation, the danger of telling someone "it's not the end of the world," and why SPFPP is shifting to feature more faces, less anonymity, and deeper authenticity.

Episode 403 Transcript

Welcome and a 13-Year Reflection

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: This is my fourth time trying to record this podcast episode. So, this one's it. This is gonna be it. Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization supporting people navigating herpes stigma. Excuse me. Uh, today's my 13 year herpes anniversary. It's March 23rd. I went through Facebook and scrolled all the way back to when I sent uh a message to the person that one of the people that I most recently had had sex with and I noticed that we're not friends anymore. So, I don't know if a long time ago exgirlfriend logged into my Facebook and removed women, uh, which is a thing that's happened in the past, or she removed me from her friends list. So, that that's interesting. I I hadn't really suspected um this person of giving me herpes before uh until like now and I'm like, wait a minute, that's weird. But it could have been a number of things like it.

00:01:12 Courtney Brame: Some people just unfriend people because they don't remember want to remember certain parts of their lives or whatever. But it is what it is. I ain't harping on it. Um this past weekend we had the herpes stigma expo uh in Brooklyn, New York. We had a turnout of about 30 people which yay I'm so hyped for. Um, I brought in Lauren Key, who does the one woman show Dealbreaker, which is a really great show and creative way of talking about her experience with herpes and dating. Um, if you get the opportunity to check it out, please do. Um, I do intend on doing more of these herpes stigma expos uh not just in New York but around the country. But I need for people to if you want to have in-person communities like what this was was essentially a dayong retreat uh in the form of a support group. I opened with like an hour and a half, two hour long support group, letting people just share, ask questions, get feedback from one another, vent, whatever it was that they needed.

The Brooklyn Expo and Creating Intentional Spaces

00:02:16 Courtney Brame: And then we went into this documentary screening from Jolene Hernandez and No Shame in this game film. And then they had a panel discussion afterwards. Um, we had a break, we had lunch, and we did a couple of recordings of simulations of talking about sex and sexual health and relationships. So, I look forward to those videos being uh dropped. Shout out to Jay the videographer for coming through and capturing some of the event as well as uh supporting me and doing those simulations. And then after that, uh we just we talked and socialized. And then we had the um craft your disclosure. Uh, that was supposed to be what it was, but I had gotten to talk to everybody individually to see how they were, where they were, and most people were feeling like overwhelmed. Uh, people were feeling, you know, a little bit heavy, like they were processing a lot. So, the combination of the various emotions that people were experiencing, these were all things that I wanted to acknowledge and make space for as well.

00:03:24 Courtney Brame: So, in making the space for said things, what ended up uh happening was that I had to shift gears a little bit to not make it exclusively about, hey, here's dating and disclosure stuff. Uh, but I wanted to make sure that it had some alignment for where people were feeling uh or how people were feeling about where they were in those moments. So, uh, we did like a brief meditation, grounding exercise to just feel where we were and come out of that state, uh, with more of a I don't want to say positive, but more of like a neutral and grounded, uh, sense before we went into the discussion about, uh, dating with herpes and disclosing discussing our status. So, it was it was nice. It was a very lovely experience. I got a lot of positive feedback. People do want to do it again. um the event venue that it was expensive for how how few people we had. Like I said, 30 was cool, but I I got the space where we could have easily had 70 80 people in there.

00:04:35 Courtney Brame: Um so I I I would like to I don't want to start capping the events at a certain number of people, but I do want to find like size appropriate venues. So that might mean, all right, listen, we're capping this at 20 and that's that. But yeah, if you are listening to this and you decide that you want to be part of any kind of in-person support support groups, you got to subscribe to the newsletter. I send an average of 1.5 newsletters per month. You will get more if you are signed up for an upcoming event because I need to tell you where it is and all the details and give you updates. But outside of that, the newsletter shows the podcast episodes that were dropped from the month, any articles that happen, any upcoming travels or speaking opportunities. Like, this is how we engage with the community and keep people up to date on where we are and what we're doing. So, if that is something of interest to you and you are looking for more of the in-person uh experiences, then it's very important that you subscribe to the newsletter.

00:05:40 Courtney Brame: That's www.sp spf.org herpes-newsletter. And this kind of also helps me with knowing like where there's interest for particular events. If I am to put together another one of these something positive for positive people expose where we can have that full day of support, if there's going to be any kind of like retreat style thing like I want to connect with y'all and I want for us to be able to put it in places that make sense. Right now, New York and then Cali, then Texas, then Florida, then Georgia are the top five states where there's a lot of searches for herpes or something positive for positive people. And when people fill out the one-on-one support calls, they don't generally accept the marketing, but I see that this is where a lot of the people are. So, I might hear from a person one time and then that's it. Uh, but in order for us to get the ongoing support that we need, like I I need y'all to stay on the newsletter because I'm not I'm not on social media on my phone.

Engagement vs. Presence

00:06:44 Courtney Brame: Uh, I might check it, you know, every few days or if I know that there's a thing that I'm expecting, like um this past weekend, um I know that I was tagged in some stuff, so I would go to my uh laptop and be able to approve the collaboration or reshare um the post or whatever. So that's really the only reason I'm on social media and I'm so grounded and present now that I haven't been on there. And it's really been something that has helped me in general over these last three weeks because I feel like the quality of who I am has significantly increased versus the quantity of like what I have to give, right? Like I use this analogy. I'm in this program um for like people interested in quantum physics, right? Uh it's a coaching program. Let me say that. And one of the things that I recognized for myself is that I can be engaged but not be present. So like I can be right here and recording this podcast episode but be texting on my phone.

00:07:57 Courtney Brame: I can be like twiddling my thumbs and my feet. I can be like, "Oh, you know, right after this, I gotta run into this thing. I could be sitting there eating, right?" So, I could be engaged and have my presence directed in all these different directions, but I can't be present and not engaged. I can be engaged, not present, but I can't be present and not engaged. So, I've been prioritizing that for myself. um and being able to deliver a greater quality of support on the calls and in the support groups. Uh the quality of which the quality of um the events, the quality of the marketing, like I I've gotten all these creative ideas. My memory done got better, y'all, uh since beginning off social media. And I I'm grateful. I'm very grateful for the state that I've entered and being able to get off of there. Uh because that was hard. I remember when I was thinking about what I wanted to give up for my son Copa, which is again lifelong intention.

00:09:05 Courtney Brame: Um, I wanted to nurture my nature. And one of the ways that I was not nurturing my nature has been in being so involved with social media that it's made me less involved in what's happening immediately within me and around me. So, I've been able to get a lot more in tune with what's happening in my body, my nervous system. Uh, and I'm like much more in tune with the environment. Um, dancing. I've been doing Brazilian zoot. That's gotten better for me. Um, I've I'm I'm single single now. I haven't been single single for a long time. Even after like my last relationship, I think I took three months to just not see anybody. And then immediately after started to like see people and kind of just pick up where I left off from the relationship um and treat people like we were in a relationship which that that led to some things but uh that's that's not a conversation for today. Uh so that that's trying to avoid the diary thing.

Overcoming the "Diary" Format

00:10:13 Courtney Brame: I'm I'm realizing, man, I've been struggling to create podcast episodes. Um because on one hand, I like to say it's not about me. And then on the other hand, that feels very dismissive. I had this dream last night. Uh I wrote it out. I wrote out like a lot of the notes from it. And in this dream, I talked to this lady who was, I guess, like a psychic or something. Cuz one of the things that she said to me that stood out is that I don't see myself how other people see me. Like I do the work that I do, the something positive work, and I'm all these things to people. I am a coach. I am a yoga teacher person. I am an inspiration. I am somebody that people feel empowered by, but I think I over calibrate for humility so as not to come off as arrogant or any kind of like narcissist or anything that can be negatively uh tied to that. And so having had that having had that dream, having had that experience, like I I see how much that does weigh on me and I try and like hold it to myself for a variety of reasons.

00:11:44 Courtney Brame: Um, and I I try not to talk about my experiences too much, but I end up talking about them anyway. Uh, it would be so easy for me to just be like, "Hey y'all, like I need guests. Come on, let's talk about your experience." because that's the easy thing to do. But I realize that it's not the medical professionals, the doctors, the public health professionals and mental health professionals and therapists. That's not who's listening to this podcast. And I know I've said this before, but I I need the reminder for myself that this podcast is for people who are actively going through it. This podcast is for people who are living with herpes. This podcast is for people who are looking for the experiences of people who have herpes. And I'm a f****** person who has experiences with herpes. And I I I forget that sometimes. And you know, it's not always hard cuz like I'll share my status with somebody and it's it's never an issue because of where I'm at when I'm talking about it.

00:12:40 Courtney Brame: Like the way that I go about talking telling somebody, it's like, "Hey, uh, I see things going this direction. Sexual health is important to me. Like you're in a place to talk about it. Cool. All right. I was last tested for these things. this long ago. Here's what came back negative. Here's what came back positive. What about you? And it's as simple as that. We make it a conversation from there. But oftent times, like I don't know that I really have had the experiences of getting to do that lately because I've not been dating. And when I was like dating, I think I I ended up in relationships. Like I ended up past the dating point and into what felt like relationships already. like skipping the being friends, skipping the dating, skipping the like curiosity and one another because it felt like it it was with people that I kind of already knew to some extent and then being able to go from there. And so I haven't really had to have like that accurate of a conversation in actually a minute.

00:13:43 Courtney Brame: And whenever I do go out, it's like or I'm I'm in a position where maybe that could be a thing. I s*** I just don't I f*** it up some kind of way. Uh I got to go here in a minute because I do have a support call. But um I say all of that to say like in reflecting on my last 13 years of living with herpes, I do want to share more of my personal experiences. I do want to be more supportive to people through this podcast. Like this is that's what this is for. It's for people with herpes to come hear from people with herpes. And regardless of whether or not I'm getting guests, um I I don't want guests who don't want to be on camera. That's I think that that's right. That's one of the biggest things for me right now is I don't want to perpetuate stigma any more than it already is by bringing anonymous faces voices here. No, I want if you want to talk about your experience, like we're we're going to do it.

Embracing Visibility and the Future of SPFPP

00:14:45 Courtney Brame: If you going to do it, let's do it. So, if it's just me and this s*** sound like a diary or journal entry, then that's just what it is. Because again, like this is what people come here for. And also, this is what I want to do. Like I can't be so focused on the outcome of okay well you know people are going to come here and they're going to get these things like they're going to be able to you no I can only focus on the output. So it's output over outcome. And I think that after 13 years living with herpes that's what it's about. Not necessarily attaching to anything but being nonattached to the outcome to the point where you can just focus on the output. So when I go to, you know, produce these podcast episodes, all I can do is just what I do. I can only do what I do and what I know to do and focus on that and not be focused on making sure that you get something out of it and that you get the the right thing out of it.

00:15:38 Courtney Brame: No, I feel called to continue to do the podcast is how I connect with y'all, engage with y'all, um, and share the information because Instagram is not rocking with me right now. social media in general, but the website and the podcast has been getting people in. We're still at like 70ish support call signups per month. Uh not everybody shows, which is perfectly fine. Um people will come when they're ready, but yeah, I I want to just give y'all that expectation of like, yeah, you're just going to hear more of my own personal experiences. uh unless we have guests that are comfortable with being on and I'll produce these podcast episodes as it feels, you know, relevant. I don't want to just be saying s*** just to be saying s***. So, that's what you have to look forward to. Um please subscribe to the newsletter because I I need to know where people are so that I can bring things and events to these places because people be like, "Well, why don't you do something here or why didn't I know about this?" I I'm showing up. So, that's really all I can do. Um, but yeah, if y'all get nothing out of this, like I I hope that the recap of the Herpie Stigma Expo was good and that you just have an idea what to expect moving forward. Um, whenever I don't have guests, like this is probably going to be just what the podcast looks like. I may come on and share a story and like this is my life living with herpes here after this today.

Transcription ended after 00:17:38