SPFPP 248: Me Vs Me

After some challenging reflections I have to put my ego to the side and begin to run this business like a business. Yes it's a non profit, but I see the impact in relation to where other . . . less impactful organizations are providing less and receiving more investment from us. The changes are going to be better for myself and the SPFPP community as it exists now and how it will later. I realize I've enabled people in various ways and I've also enabled myself to stay stuck. Effective immediately, we are all going to be doing better and challenging ourselves, removing the obstacles in our way from living the life we choose.

Episode 248 Transcript

Introduction: The "Me Versus Me" Mindset

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Hello and welcome back to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a self-help resource for people living with herpes. Overall, it's a sexual health communications tool that gives people the hopefully confidence to be able to disclose their herpes status to partners and for people who are curious about the virus and navigating the stigma of it or dating relationships, healthcare, this is a good place for you to come and receive information that's going to help you with just communicating about it. Um, all right. But I guess like now that we got that out of the way, um I mentioned herpes. Uh, and I'm struggling a little bit with continuing to speak about herpes in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm just enabling people to come through here and look forward to the next week's podcast episode and not go out into the real world and apply the stuff that is being learned, expressed, and taught on this podcast platform.

00:01:41 Courtney Brame: Um, I don't know exactly what a shift would look like. I think maybe more of the solo podcast episodes that I've done, which interesting enough, I hear more from people about those podcast episodes than I do about the herpes related podcast. And I don't know if it's just that the messaging has um it it's just hit its peak and that's it. like we got enough here, but the audience isn't really telling me what y'all's needs are anymore. And so, um, yeah, it's really looking like I just need to continue to just do whatever feels right. And what feels right today is um, the title of this will be me versus me. And when you think it, when you say it, I want for you to plug yourself into that space of me. I don't want it to be you versus you, cuz then we can externalize that as well. I want for this to be something that triggers stimulation from within when you think it, when you say it.

00:02:54 Courtney Brame: And as I go through whatever it is that comes out verbally through this podcast for you to find whatever parallels match up for yourself. And so the reason that I wanted to speak to the topic of me versus me is because I'm realizing I've realized I'm at a point of I've realized and decided to make changes and I'm seeing it work for me. I'm watching the s*** pay off. I've been in my own way uh for a lot of aspects of my life. Relationships, friendships, work, my passion, uh hobbies, um and work. All of these things I've been in my own way about. And it's taken for me to give myself permission to challenge the things that I assumed are the norm. And as I start to challenge things, it's funny what ways the stuff that I've been surrounded by makes its way into my range of perspective, like makes itself visible to me. Or maybe I just essentially clean my lenses so I can just see what was already there.

The Call of Duty Analogy: Trusting Yourself to Win

00:04:13 Erika Velazquez's Presentation: Courtney Brame: video games, right? And on Call of Duty, um, I know a lot of y'all probably won't really resonate with this, but if you are dating someone who plays Call of Duty and you may understand the concept of killing the other team, like you got to shoot the bad guys, right? So, there's a mode on there that's like last team standing. And usually it's up to four people. And I play with my friends that I know in real life. So often I'll catch myself like I want to bring them back because you can bring your players back to life if you have enough money and you can go to a station where you spend the money and revive your players and your team. So you can do that and like I would rely on them to get the win because often times it comes at the cost of the enemies knowing where you are and you get the s*** shot out of you or you just die in this gas that's closing.

00:05:10 Courtney Brame: kind of like in Hunger Games, how the bubble shrinks until it's everybody on top of each other until the last person standing. So, like lately, I've been challenging the belief that my teammates will get the job done and that I can't trust myself. And I made that decision to trust myself and I did that s*** and I won like a few times and I can't tell you how hype I was, right? So that's one example of me, you know, getting out of my own way because it's my own belief like my teammates just want me to win the game. They don't care how I do it. Like they don't care that I bring them back to do it. They just want the win. So I had a belief that, you know, oh, it'll be better if they do it. Like they'll they'll love me for it. Uh, and that's kind of what my internal dialogue has been. So, I offer that example to show you how it plays a role in my life in addition to how I do things with Something Positive for Positive People because some changes are going to have to be made.

00:06:09 Courtney Brame: And you know, that's just the reality of it. For so long, over the last 5 years, 5 and a half years that I've been running this podcast, my ego has been something that I've tried to keep out of the mix. And I recognize that the more that I've tried to keep it out, the more that it's made itself bigger. And what I mean by that is I don't charge people for anything. I don't ask people for money. Like I'll ask for donations. You know, if you found value in this, like I invite you to make a donation, but uh as a nonprofit, we can accept donations. So just the general kindness of people's hearts. And so I have not wanted to ask for donations and I've had a mental barrier to uh getting funding and asking for money because this should be like a goodwill thing that people just want to support and reality is like that ain't how the world works. You know, I look at the amount of time and energy that I've put into Something Positive for Positive People over all this time and it's come at a cost.

Valuing Time and the Cost of Free Therapy

00:07:19 Courtney Brame: While it may not have been all money, like yeah, it costs to run a website, it costs to run the podcast, it costs to go and do these interviews. Yeah. But the time that has been invested here, cuz now I have a job and I'm working part-time and now it's come down to, okay, do I want to make money or do I want to um move my passion forward and still make money, right? And I'm finding myself more so going to work and investing more into work. And I'm feeling myself slip away from doing what I'm supposed to be doing with Something Positive for Positive People. Which is why I moved out to Oregon in the first place so that I could progress Something Positive for Positive People into a full-time business nonprofit organization that I'll be able to do more with, pay myself, and also be able to continue the mission moving forward. So, I've caught myself like in the past having pride in being the only organization, the only person that serves people with herpes that doesn't charge people for calling for like just talking to me or coaching essentially or um giving people templates for disclosures.

00:08:39 Courtney Brame: And that was something that I was really attached to and proud of. And it was in therapy. You know, my therapist was explaining to me that I am the expert on what it is that I'm bringing to this space, my experiences, the experiences being brought to me, the surveys, the time that's going into it. And he was like, I cannot and will not really be able to help people if I'm not helping myself. I won't be able to have the kind of impact that I'm saying that I want to have if I'm not in a place where I can provide that impact. So, for instance, like 2020, I know I've said this several times now, but when the pandemic hit and I was getting an astronomical amount of money, um, compared to what I normally would get, I was paying for people to get therapy. And through that, I don't think I really talked about this, but there were several people who would miss sessions, and wouldn't take it seriously. And through that experience, I've learned that many people don't value things unless they have to put money into them or unless they have some sort of skin in the game.

00:09:49 Courtney Brame: Cuz when people hit me up, I'm like, "Oh, great. Like, here, I'll pay for you to get therapy." Like, that doesn't work for a business sustainably. It also doesn't work for a nonprofit regardless of whether Goodwill doesn't pay the bills. Like just flat out, you know, this internet bill, the cell phone bills, the website, the IRS tax compliance, everything that I've done so far, like thankful. I'm so thankful that there have been people who've donated, but also like things that I should be paid for, conferences, speaking engagements, trainings, uh that money goes straight to the nonprofits so that I can continue to do these things. And I'm able to not pay myself because now I have a job. And I was thinking about it. I was like, damn, you know, if I didn't have this part-time job, like how much more would I have poured into Something Positive for Positive People from this empty cup? And I'm catching myself in this space of being like um I'm liking this.

00:10:54 Erika Velazquez's Presentation: And it's not that I've gotten rid of my ego. Like there's still some ego there. And not in the traditional sense of oh my god, I'm better than everybody because I'm doing more or like I'm cocky, arrogant, all that s***. But my ego in the sense of looking how good of a person I am. Look how much people like me, look how much people trust me, right? And it's my fault. Like I've conditioned the people who find me to not necessarily, you know, value the time that we do have together. Like I got five years worth of interviews of things that I've said and if people got questions they can get them answered by going into that space and exploring that and if there needs to be more of a personalized approach like I don't care like I'll talk to everybody but I think that I've had this covert expectation that if I do good good will be returned in the sense of all right you know I'm doing this I did this for you for free hopefully you consider making a donation so that I can do this for someone else for free.

00:12:04 Erika Velazquez's Presentation: And that ain't how this works. Um the I've asked, you know, at the end of talking to people, you know, if you found this helpful and you want to consider making a donation, please do. And I'd say about 50% of people I talked to have made a donation. Um some people have said they would and maybe they just haven't gotten to it yet. Maybe they forgot. But what I'm seeing is that there is more of a need for me to value my time. And I've always been the kind of person who um I have essentially lowered my way of living so that I have more for myself to live. So, for example, I sold my car, which means I'm not paying $30 whatever dollars a month. I don't have to pay $200 in insurance. I have to pay for gas. Like, that's about $700 right there. I moved in with somebody where rent is significantly uh like all of my living expenses are just into one monthly payment.

00:13:10 Erika Velazquez's Presentation: So, I pay this much money a month and that includes the internet and everything for me. And that's clutch for me. So I have re minimized my way of life and I've found much more joy and pleasure in living that life through being able to like travel. Like I also don't drink near as much as I used to. I mean I might drink once or twice a month at this point. And with doing that, I'm seeing how much money I've saved and I'm seeing what I'm able to do with the money that I've saved. And like I enjoy traveling. And I wasn't moved enough by just doing good and goodwill and sacrificing, you know, my livelihood just so other people can have a little bit of livelihood for themselves. Like that didn't motivate me. That didn't move me. It was until I put myself in this situation and like I'm now I'm like, yo, I got this is a lifestyle change.

Wearing Twelve Hats and Shattering the Ego

00:14:12 Courtney Brame: Like I enjoy traveling. I'm enjoying the experiences that I'm having. Like I'm about to leave a country for the first time. So my cost of living is going up because I have now become acclimated or accustomed to a lifestyle that I want to indulge in more and I want to experience more. Like I want to- I'm going to Berlin and I want to go to Canada. I want to go to Australia. I want to see these places. I want to meet up with, you know, the people that I've been becoming friends with through social media. And in order for me to do that, like I have to either work more at where I work at or something's going to have to change like business-wise and structure-wise for the amount of time that's going in here because I'm liking traveling a lot more than I'm liking, you know, getting blown off by people on podcast recordings, getting rejected for applying for funding and grants, then uh having to follow up with people about commitments that they made and making donations.

00:15:19 Courtney Brame: I'm really, you know, it's not burnout. It's just um I don't know. I would be curious to know what the opposite of burnout is. I don't have that language right now, but whatever the opposite of that is is what I'm inspired by, maybe like I'm inspired and I'm motivated by the ability to go and do things that I'm enjoying. And not to say that I don't enjoy the podcast, but it's like why would I continue to endure those things when I can go and enjoy and experience these things, the things that come with the experiences of traveling, right? So, I mean, that all said, like I'm unsure exactly how to structure this, but uh someone gave me some guidance on how to do that. like, "Hey, here's a recommended donation amount. Here's what the donations are like at $200 you'll be able to pay for someone to have a cluster of sessions of therapy. With this much money, you'll pay for whatever whatever." And just like go down the list.

00:16:27 Courtney Brame: But, you know, I look at everything that I do and when I find the meaning, I don't know if you remember the meaning from uh from algebra class or something, but um it's like the average of the jobs that I do. And when I sat down and looked at it, I was like, "Damn, dude. I really don't value myself and therefore people don't value me." And so I am the podcast host, podcast editor, podcast producer. I'm the social media manager, content creator. I'm the coach. I talk to each and every person who reaches out. Um, I'm essentially like the librarian of the Something Positive for Positive People archives, directing people to specific episodes often, like just even having a conversation with them. I'm still the executive director of a nonprofit organization. I'm the marketing director. I'm the founder. I'm also like the secretary because I organize all of the board meetings. I'm the cold caller for these healthcare um organizations where I'm reaching out about um working together on the practice simulations with sex educators that I mentioned.

00:17:33 Courtney Brame: I'm the person who's applying for grants. I'm the person who's doing every piece of the administrative role. I'm keeping up with the budgets. I'm the marketing director. I'm tracking all of the donations. I'm constantly seeking donations as well as funding. I'm the one that's going to the conferences and the speaking events, applying for them, looking for them. And when you average all of those jobs out, like that's at least a dozen roles that I just mentioned, that's 12 roles. And now looking at, you know, the amount of time that's gone into that versus what's coming out of that amount of time. Like I am, I'm here to express to y'all like why there's going to be structural changes because I can't continue to operate this way. And if I do, then Something Positive for Positive People won't continue to exist as Something Positive for Positive People. My board members have been on my ass for years at this point.

00:18:30 Courtney Brame: The three is this three years? It's 2022. Yeah. The three years that Something Positive for Positive People has been a nonprofit, you know, they've been telling me, "Yo, you need to pay yourself, Courtney. You need to pay yourself." And again, back to the ego thing, like my ego would not allow for me to get paid. And this is where the me versus me comes in because I really had to sit with that. Well, what is it that I'm getting out of not being paid? I like it. I'm like more popular. I'm different from the other herpes coaches or people who post social media content and they're like, "Here's how much my coaching is." Like I done I I looked and I seen people charging $600, $300 for a 20 minute conversation and I know that people are paying for it because people reach out and they're like, "Wow, you know, I paid this much for this person and I didn't get near as much of value that I got from talking to you." I'm like,

00:19:20 Courtney Brame: "Oh, you know, that that feels great. Yay, you like me. That makes me feel good." But again, like being liked, that person got $300. Like they can go there… that's a roundtrip flight to San Diego from where I'm at and then some and meanwhile like I'm just being light. So I had to really break down what's important to me and get out of my own way for working my way into the space of getting um what's important to me. So that said, like my values are still what my values have been, liberation, peace, um, evolution. And so this is a moment where I'm evolving. This is a moment where I'm recognizing that there's an inner conflict and chaos because I felt for so long that, you know, if people don't like me, then that's going to be a bad thing. If I tell people, hey, you know, I'm asking for money here for this service that you're asking me for, you know, feeling a little bit of guilt about that.

00:20:26 Courtney Brame: And someone said to me, it was actually uh I was having a conversation with Stephanie Zapata and Justine. I always mess up her last name. But these are two sex educators of color. And we were talking about how me not knowing and speaking to and charging for what my worth is a way of upholding the status quo in terms of oppression and missing out on a seat at the table. I wish I could remember the exact words because when they said it as I like bells and whistles went off in my head y'all. It went off in my head and I got to see that because um even with the last I spoke at a conference I have a training come up. I asked for a lot more money than I normally would have and there hasn't been any resistance. Like one of the um organizations is already uh we got the paperwork in place so I know that I'm going to be paid for that.

00:21:24 Courtney Brame: And it was just like, wow, this switch just flipped and here I am, you know. And I'm not going to say like for people who, you know, you clearly can't afford what it is that I'm going to be selling in a sense or whatever. Like I, I want this to be accessible to everybody. And that's been a big reason why I've not put up any kind of a pay wall. So the podcast is going to continue to be free because there's a lot of very useful information in the podcast. anybody who reaches out like I'mma talk to you like we'll we'll have our conversation. I'll support you in whatever way and you know I'm always going to ask like I recommend or suggest you know a donation amount. Now if we need to revisit like getting Courtney's advice if we need to talk about you know more stuff than what's in the free resources that are out there y'all I got five years worth of content. five years from podcast from uh oh you have herpes well my legs don't work episode one up until episode numerically 247 with lean into your insecurities with safe s*** to this podcast episode 248 me verse me and there's bonus episodes in between there so there's roughly 270 podcast episodes of useful information that is out there for the entire world the internet to to receive take

Investing in Mental Health: Mentorship and Therapy Structure

00:22:51 Courtney Brame: in um put to use and also like share I'm seeing that people also don't you know share the information and like I don't I understand I get it but we I at Something Positive for Positive People ain't making no progress forward if people aren't willing to share this useful resource that people are claiming is so helpful to them and you know again going back to the value thing People have a significant higher amount of value in what they put their money towards, what they put their focus to. Like people will be like, "Oh, I'm having a time of my life at this bar. They got the best burger. The beers are cheap and I'm having this one-hour experience that, you know, in the grand scheme of things, you're going to have that replicated over and over and over again. So, let's say that $25 you spend on a burger and a couple of beers, you at that bar three, four hours, you socialize, you have a good time, you leave, you you you're going to do that same thing somewhere else.

00:23:52 Courtney Brame: You might come back, but the experience that you have isn't going to be something that really factors into your overall quality of life. And here we are with this podcast and like supposedly life-changing conversations that I have with people. And you know, I don't get that kind of praise. I don't get people shouting from the mountain tops. Something Positive for Positive People saved my life. Changed my life. I was suicidal. I got diagnosed with herpes. And I had a conversation with Courtney Bra. Courtney Bra is doing amazing work. I would love to see him succeed. I would love to see his organization grow and expand and for the CDC to partner with him to support his work for healthcare providers to use Something Positive for Positive People as a resource. I don't get that. Um, and being on the other side of it, like if I were a listener of this podcast, if I were someone who engaged with me and can honestly say that, you know, my life was changed after a conversation that I had, like I give people their flowers.

00:24:54 Courtney Brame: Yeah, I listened to a podcast episode uh Royal Fetish this morning actually and hearing Jazz Jet setting Jasmine and King Noir talk about um sexuality in the Black community and how bisexuality is viewed and speaking to explore your sexuality. Um like that's a very taboo topic. Like that's the closest thing I have to a white person who gets diagnosed with herpes and uh to compare as a Black person who um is like, "Okay, am I too queer to be considered straight or am I too straight to be considered queer? Where do I belong? Is queer stuff white people s***? Is my manliness and masculinity something that is challenged by the fact that I'm non- monogamous or that I'm into kink and BDSM or that I'm in open relationships and how does that conflict with my Blackness? Like asking these questions within the Black community and challenging your own Blackness and sexuality is taboo. To everyone who's non-Black, having herpes is taboo.

00:26:05 Courtney Brame: like here I am at the cusp of both of those things. And so like for me it is the inverse of uh being on the receiving end of some very useful content and like I just enjoyed the conversation. I posted that s*** to my Instagram. I put the podcast episode in there. I posted that s*** to my Twitter. I'd even post it on Facebook. In fact, I might do that next. Like the only reason I didn't was because it just didn't cross my mind until now. And I don't know if I can tag them on Facebook if they're on Facebook. Uh but I like that's where I'm at. Like that's how supportive I am of the things that I consume, appreciate, and enjoy. And with that being said, like I ain't I don't want to, you know, pressure people to do that because I understand that everybody's at a different place with their herpes diagnosis. And um to say that we sought out help, like that's unheard of.

00:27:00 Courtney Brame: That's taboo. that's a sign of quote weakness or that's not something that we're supposed to do. And so what I'm presenting here is an opportunity for you as a listener to get out of your own way. You know, look at this as it's me versus me. Because if other people don't know what we are going through, how can they be obstacles? How can they help us? How can they be supportive? Right? And if this is something that's helpful to you, you know, like this is how we connect with people. I can't tell you like since putting myself out there, I'll give you this example. I went to uh there's a dating app here. Uh well, that people have access to and this dating app has been doing immersion events. And I've been going to the Inerson events and I've had at least five, one, two, three, four, four people for sure who have started conversations with me saying that they follow me on Instagram and uh that they've heard or listened to my podcast and they've shared their stories with me about having tested positive for herpes, right?

00:28:15 Courtney Brame: And so there are people who are in the spaces that we're in and we're sharing like you could be the person that somebody might follow you. You share something that you found useful on the Something Positive for Positive People platform. Whether it be the podcast, whether it be a post on social media, whether it be a lesson or a nugget from the conversation that you've had with me, whether it be even therapy, like y'all, I've paid for people to get therapy. And this is out of my pocket and with some donations. And these people will never tell us soul that therapy was so useful to them and that they came to Something Positive for Positive People. I should be getting referrals out the ass for people coming here beating down my door to get a therapist. Like that's the reality of it. And you know, I'm getting a little bit of passion. I don't want y'all to think I'm bitching at y'all as listeners who haven't taken any action um or supported.

00:29:15 Courtney Brame: But this is more of like a call to action for you to again look at this as a me versus me thing. In what ways are you in your own way? In what ways can you remove yourself and get out of your own way and start to refocus, reshift, readjust whatever it is that you're focused on, where your money is going, where your attention is, and bring that into yourself. I was having a conversation with one of my friends who's a life coach, and this was something that I said to her. I was like, yo, I think that what you do is you do a really good job of, you know, taking a person's focus, like they might be focused on drugs and alcohol. Uh they might be focused on pursuing and prioritizing relationships. You do this thing where you very well redirect their spotlight where they're focusing from that thing and you show them what they could be focusing on if they were to give a little less attention to that thing. and apply that same quality of attention to something else.

Breaking the "Nice Guy" Cycle and Setting the Price

00:30:20 Courtney Brame: Something else being themselves. And I keep talking about this whole self thing. I talk about self like the process of becoming self. It's not like… it's a working definition right now. And I look at it as self-discovery, self-exloration, selfawareness, self-education, self-expression. All of these things are components of reconnecting with the self, yourself, and identifying who what that is and who that is by uncoupling yourself from whatever things just no longer serve you, you know. So, if um you find yourself very strongly resonating with or identifying as a man, because this is what I'm dealing with, my masculinity, like I'm reverse engineering what masculinity means to me, uncoupling the things that haven't worked for me throughout my life, and I'm defining what it means to be masculine for myself. And as I do this, you know, I hope that me putting it out loud on display is supporting other people. But like this is again like this is the the free s*** that I'm doing.

00:31:29 Courtney Brame: Like I have again a dozen job titles, y'all. A dozen of them. And then I also have a part-time job that fortunately is paying the bills and supporting me in transitioning into this lifestyle that I'm starting to like so much that involves travel. More traveling, less drinking. So, I will talk about my own greatest insecurity. My greatest insecurity has been my finances. And I mean that in the sense of like it's been my greatest insecurity, even above herpes, y'all. And that says a lot because if you're listening to this podcast, you're more than likely someone who has herpes. And if you don't, I'm glad that you're here because you're learning. And the insecurity of herpes has no value in reference to my insecurity about how much money I have and my income. And I've really leaned into that. Like I f****** moved to Portland, y'all, with $5,000. I had $5,000, two suitcases. I ain't even have a place to live at one point when I was making the decision to move here.

00:32:34 Courtney Brame: and getting out of my own way. That negative self talk like that voice shut the f****** once I made the decision and once I committed, once I was intentional about it. I didn't know that I was going to get the $10,000 grant that I had to live here in order to qualify for. And I didn't find out about that until damn near 6 months after I moved here. Like I didn't get that until then. But the first second day that I was here, I get presented with this opportunity for a part-time job. I took that s*** and like from there the financial insecurity started to dissipate. But like it was a point, man. I was looking at my f****** bank account and I was like, "Yo, I'm going to have to move back home. I'm going to have to do something else." But I got here, one of my board members, her partner had uh he was renting out his place. His tenant just happened to have been moving out the day that I was moving in and we were able to just smoothly transition that over.

00:33:29 Courtney Brame: Um, I mentioned, you know, getting that part-time job. The funding finally came through a few months later and like I sat on my ass. Like I had to make decisions. I like going out drinking and dancing and partying and trying to hook up with people. I f****** love that s***. But I had to put that on pause because it was more important to me to be successful here than it was for me to be drunk, have a hangover, maybe get laid, maybe not get laid. That became much more important to me. And again, me versus me. I'm moving things out of the way that don't serve me. Again, uncoupling my identity from habits, patterns that aren't even mine. Like behaviors that ain't even mine, y'all. Uncoupling myself from those things has been lifechanging. It's been gamechanging. Game-changing. And so, you know, now, you know, this is more of like a pre-req like a heads up like things are going to be changing because they have to.

00:34:38 Courtney Brame: And I'm not, you know, like the ego thing. So, I want to clear that up here too because I caught myself really conflicted about what things are going to look like from an ego perspective. So, it was very egoic of me to think that I can run a business without making any money. It was egoic of me to think that I'll be so liked that someone will just come along and want to just, you know, handle the behind the scenes stuff of Something Positive for Positive People that want to just give me money because they like what I'm doing so much. And that ain't the reality. The reality is I am blocking people from being able to see the value and my worth of running this organization. There are social media influencers out there. Information is free. Like y'all can get the information anywhere. But what's being offered here is something that's so much greater than that. Like if you want to just consume information, do that.

00:35:37 Courtney Brame: However, like I have to now place value on my time for the exchange of information in the way that it's supposed to be applied practically for you to not need to keep consuming information. You know, we live in a time, y'all, where capitalism, white supremacy, patriarchy, all these buzzwords that are floating around the sex education space, social media. The only way of challenging this s*** is for us to be able to explore our own pleasure. And I think it was Bell Hooks who said that. Bell Hooks, Audrey Lord, these are two names that have recently come into my realm of perspective that really resonate with a lot of what I'm speaking to about identity. and they've been talking about this, you know, before I started talking about this. So maybe there was something that sparked the um thought process within me that they've done and here we are like now I'm as I do this I'm getting names, I'm getting language, I'm getting words and for us to not continue to just consume, consume, consume and become producers and creators like that's what's Something Positive for Positive People as you come here.

00:36:46 Courtney Brame: You don't come here to be down and beat yourself up and feel bad and, you know, just get a little bit of an itch scratched for your herpes support or maybe your nihilism or to have reassurance that you ain't crazy. Like, cuz some of the stories on here are dark and scary and people put themselves in uncomfortable situations, but at the end of it all, like we're all positive people. We all have that capability of going out into the world and living it in the way that we choose to. Are you going to? And if you've been somebody who listen to this s*** every day or every week for the last 5 years or if you're new here and you're just binge listening through episodes and you find yourself here, you know, ask yourself what you want out of this. Ask yourself how you are. Are you even in your own way when it comes to looking at the um when it comes to looking at the possibility of being able to have the kind of relationship you want, career you want, passion that you want, you know?

00:37:52 Courtney Brame: Like, let's talk like let's talk through this s***, and let's also put it into practice. Like, I can't- I got to be more mindful of my time, y'all. And I've finally come to a place of recognizing what my worth is. Um, and now I have to really be able to communicate that to y'all. Y'all being the consumers of this content because I want for y'all to be able to become producers of your own s***. I want y'all to become your own advocates. I want for you to be able to take this and apply it. So, if we never have a conversation, then that means I did my job. That means you came here, you got what you needed, and you left. And if I am going to do my job, then that means that if you need more than what this podcast has to offer, reach out to me and we will work together. This is going to be work.

00:38:49 Courtney Brame: This is going to be something I'm going to ask for you to um take inventory on whatever your priorities are and go from, you know, continuing to focus on, give attention to and invest in the thing that isn't giving you something to something that hopefully will give you something. And like I'm again, I'm not bitching. It's just a realization that I had and I'm constantly being pushed by the universe in these different directions of or in the same direction of Courtney, you need to pay yourself. Courtney, you need to know what your value is. People don't value the services and the resources and the time that goes into it. Y'all looking for a therapist is hard. Do you know how many people I've looked for therapists for? And again, for free. And I'm losing money doing it. I'm paying for the s***. And it's ridiculous, you know, to say out loud now, but that's that's the case.

00:39:44 Courtney Brame: That's been the case. This is what I do. I f****** love what I do, but I recognize how easy it is for me to slip into old behavior patterns, to potentially fall out of love with this. And not necessarily in the way of, oh man, I'm bitter. Ain't nobody giving me money. Ain't nobody paying me for uh what it is I'm doing. Nobody appreciates me. People like me, but it's the thing like do I want to be liked more than I want to be respected? No. I want to be respected more than I want to be liked. And that's why it is hard for me to say all of this. This whole podcast itself is very hard. It's challenging. It's vulnerable because I haven't had to speak like this and I've blocked out for so long the thought processes of it. But like man, dude, like woo, running a business. If you somebody who runs a business, like shout out to you.

The Reality of Running a Business and Knowing Your Worth

00:40:35 Courtney Brame: If you are somebody who is thinking about running a business, like get committed. You got to commit to this s***. This is not easy. And it's long days, it's long nights. It's long hours. It's, you know, you might need to take naps. You might need to, you may not even be able to sleep. I had a day where I got in at 2:00 a.m. because my flight was delayed. I got to sleep a little bit on the plane. I got home at about 3:30. I still had to brush my teeth. I had to wash my face. I had to get some sleep. I had to get up early. I had to do um I had to do a podcast. I had to do an intro call. I had to go to work. I had to go to physical therapy. I made a commitment for something right after physical therapy ended.

00:41:20 Courtney Brame: Y'all, I was exhausted. But that's part of what it means to run a business. That's part of what it means to literally pursue your passion and to um to to really commit to this s***, man. Like, it requires, you know, the knowhow and tools of running a business. So, I am asking y'all, you know, I'm not. I'm not doing well in the social media department, censorship, and the fact that I talk about sex, sexual health, sex education. A lot of us sex educators are. And yes, I'm calling myself a sex educator, too. Now, this is what I'm doing. I'm educating people about sex. No, I don't have a degree in sexuality. I got five years experience of interviewing people about their sex lives. 270 whatever podcast episodes at this point. You can listen to it online. The information is out there. It's available. It's accessible.

00:42:16 Courtney Brame: But like I'm tired of f****** people making me or me making myself because ain't nobody else doing it. Me making myself feel, you know, less than just because I haven't taken the same route. And people tell me, "Oh, maybe you should go to school. You should become one." No, because that's not where people are. Like the people that I'm serving are not in the academic space. The people that I've gone to support groups with, who I'm engaging with, I'm talking to, I'd be too focused on school to be able to ever connect with y'all. And the stuff that I'm learning in school or would learn in school would be s*** that is so far disconnected from the current um the current state of where we are that it wouldn't even be useful to y'all. All I would be doing is going to school, looking at history, bringing that into the present space, and trying to apply that to what's happening now. Y'all, we don't need that. We need presents.

00:43:06 Courtney Brame: We need m************ here now going to show up, do the work, put the work in, and also be able to support themselves, and also be able to continue to have an impact on the world. And that's me. Like, that's where I'm standing. Like, I'm putting my f****** feet down and I'm doubling down in doubling down on and putting my f****** feet down on that Something Positive for Positive People is the go-to organization for people who are living with herpes. Hands down. like this is where you this is where you go. This is where you find yourself. This is where you get the useful information that you need. This is where you have your identity validated. Here's where you learn to have an anti-stigmatizing approach to sexual health communication. And this is where you learn about sex positivity and you learn from other people's experiences about how they're navigating the stigma of living with herpes. And I've for so long, man, I've been again in my own way because I've tried to mold the messaging into fit where into places where it doesn't, you know, it belongs.

00:44:11 Courtney Brame: Yeah. But it's not what it is. And I've dumbed it down to being about mental health, allyship, stigma, um mental health. Uh I said mental health already. Uh and what was the other thing? Like HIV, curable STI. The reality is I interview people with herpes. This is self-help for people who might have found this resource because they were struggling with herpes stigma. And I haven't. I haven't been true to that. And that's my fault. I've devalued the worth of my product and service so much that other people don't value it. And it's not a big deal to the CDC, the National Coalition of SCD directors because it's not a communicable or reportable, whatever the word is, disease. And that's my fault because over the last 5 years, I've tried to wiggle my way in and be like, well, look, like we talk about HIV and chlamydia, bam, herpes. It don't work like that.

00:45:08 Courtney Brame: That covert s*** ain't working no more. So, I'm making noise in this space as a f****** herpes education advocacy platform that, you know, this is what we can use as a way of learning how to communicate about our sexual health. Cuz all in all, that's what this is. That's what this started as. That's what it's going to be. And so when I'm starting to present at these conferences or speak to these things like I've been validated in that, you know, Courtney, you do a great job talking about herpes. Why don't you have keynote speeches at these organizations because it's affected? So many people are affected by it. Like I've got nurses, health care providers, and people who are just like they're at work behind the scenes and they share with me, "Oh, this person said this thing and it made me feel bad." And some people are like, "Hey, I dropped your name. We got this resource that we put out uh we put out for something

00:46:08 Courtney Brame: positive for positive people. We want to work with y'all." Like, yes, I love that s***. Like, I need more of that, but I have to, you know, be able to reward action. And the reward of the action is going to come at the cost of something. Like, we are going to have to… we got to start doing something. Like, again, I'll talk to anybody for the first time. you know, if you reach out and you have your questions, you want to talk, like, let's do that. Like, we'll conclude that conversation, but like after the initial one, like we gotta we got to talk about a payment. We got to negotiate payments. And, you know, I don't care at this point, like I'm caring less about what other people think of me and more about what I think of me. And I'm starting to feel bad about myself for not acknowledging what my worth is and upholding my own boundaries in relation to um being able to run this nonprofit because like yeah, like I said, I got a part-time job and that money is like that's that's my money and I'm I'm taking that s***.

00:47:08 Courtney Brame: I'm going traveling. I'm taking care of myself. I'm feeding myself and I'm enjoying myself. And I here I am with a whole organization that I can also do the same thing for for myself and other people if I just run this s*** like I know to run this s*** which is a business. Something Positive for Positive People is a business and I ain't treating it like one. I have not been treating this s*** like a business y'all. And you know if I um sorry I had to log in the website because I'm about to upload this podcast right now before I leave cuz I'm about to go to work. This is my life. Like I'm, I'm happy. Uh hold on. That ain't right. I don't even know the password. Oh s***. And that's another thing. Keeping up with the passwords, right? But this is me versus me.

00:48:04 Courtney Brame: I've had to look at where I'm focusing my attention and then decide where I want my attention to be focused and I'm bringing it into myself. I'm bringing it more into Something Positive for Positive People because I am spending way too much time at my part-time job. Like flat out, I should not be spending this much time going back and forth to this job. I love it. I love what I do. I'm enjoying myself. But I moved here to run Something Positive for Positive People. And uh it's it's it's slowly but surely I'm seeing it I'm seeing it work its way into the back burner cuz like I'm thinking like oh man you know if I pick up a few more hours I can make oh and I don't want to fall into that trap. and a friend of mine like we we have conversations pretty regularly about what our goals are, what our uh intentions are and where we are in terms of uh feeling stuck or what we need workwise, money, life.

00:49:04 Courtney Brame: And yeah, like I I'm catching it. catching us in this space of becoming complacent or wanting to adjust our lifestyles in a way that allows for us to just continue to do what we doing rather than doing more of what we love doing. And that's really what this is about, man. And I hope that y'all respect that. I hope that y'all acknowledge that. And I hope that um if you know you are unable to pay for whatever it is that you need that someone will have paid it forward um or that you're able to find what it is that you're looking for through the website through the resources that I share um or through um you know the the initial conversation that we have because I I got I got to put value to this because I'm seeing people like I can't keep doing this to myself and it's eating me up and making me feel like less of a person because I'm not putting into practice like what I'm telling y'all to do.

"Just Set the Price": Final Thoughts on Self-Value

00:50:12 Courtney Brame: I'm telling y'all to know your worth and then don't settle for anything that's less than what your worth is, right? How I'm going to sit up here and not do I mean not do the same s***. I had a friend of mine once tell me he was like, "Do you listen to your own podcast?" And I just kind of made like this dumb face. was like, "Damn, I know exactly what you mean when you say that. You mean that I'm not practicing what I preach. You mean that I'm not like I'm out here essentially living a life of hypocrisy. So, I'm setting the price." Jay-Z said, he said, "Just set the price on n***** and live your life, my n****." And that's exactly what that's exactly what Courtney got to do. So, all this said, you know, this was not a very herpes in-depth detail podcast. You know, I just spoke to myself leaning into my biggest insecurity, which happens to have been my finances and come out of the other side of this in a way that like I've uncoupled my identity with my finances and my worth based on how much money I make.

00:51:13 Courtney Brame: And I'm seeing that it's not about that. It's just about knowing what your worth is, respecting that, honoring that, and practicing um receiving from that place. It's like receiving what you are worth because anything less than that you're being taken from. Okay. So, I hope that this was a useful episode for you. I'm going to continue to do the podcast from this place just like a genuine offering. Like this is my genuine offering to the world, to the listeners. Um, and I ask that you know, you ask yourself, you verse you, me verse me, right? I want you to say that. Me versus me. What's the obstacle that's keeping me from supporting Something Positive for Positive People and being the the next American Red Cross in terms of size and how big it is and what it does because therapy is a big f****** deal. Like I don't think people realize this, but I pay for people to get therapy and therapy is such a hot topic right now and it's so needed.

00:52:17 Courtney Brame: But like ain't nobody saying that. Like people don't even know. People don't know I got a podcast. People only know I got an Instagram. People don't know that I provide the service. People don't know they can donate. People don't know it's a nonprofit. And like I'm I'm I'm speaking to it. I'm just talking to people who already know this. So, it's all so common that like when new people find me through one of these ways, one of these formats, it's almost as if um you know, like that's it. Like they find me and that's that's the extent of it. But like I want to challenge you to get out of your own way. Get out of your own way. So if you want to utilize me for services, we can talk about that. Like inquire, you can email me, message me on Instagram. Like we can talk about and um we can talk about what it'll look like, what it is that you need. Because if you just listen to podcast episodes, like yay, I'm glad that that helps. But there's so much more work to be done and I'm putting my s*** out there for y'all to be able to see the work in action and being done. Hopefully, you're able to um have this experience parallel your experience so that you can do better for yourself. All right, so verse me. Thank you for listening. share the podcast and um yeah, you I'm Courtney Brain_ on Instagram, Tik Tok. Uh I'm on Twitter at Cortonius quote. But yeah, just Cortonius. That's like my philosophical name. But I'm I'm just having fun on Twitter expressing opinions and s*** like that. But yeah, um I appreciate y'all. Oh, yep. Time for me to go. All right. Till next time, stay sex positive.

Transcription ended after 00:54:25