SPFPP 315: Coming Out the Closet of Obliviousness

For as long as it takes me to get to the point here, it's story time. I've had a wild week of what I thought was "People" harassing me, but ultimately I learned that it was one person. This episode is partially venting, partially a warning, partially a transparency moment. The episode will do the talking, but know that everything is okay. I don't anticipate having to take further action (thank God). While that may be the case, I don't want these disgruntled interactions I've had with these few women to impact the way I interact with people generally. I'm fine, this is part of my paper trail of the harassment & borderline fetishization/stalking/racism I've received from this individual who I will not name, and I slip in a past ghost of something that was partially damaging to my reputation that I'm choosing to let go in this episode being released. Playing dumb and overly humble has served its purpose. Now I just gotta set hard boundaries around how people interact with me and trust my gut. Details in the episode.

Episode 315 Transcript

The Value of the HSV Stigma Survey

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that is the go-to hub of sexual health communication resources for people who are navigating herpes stigma on this podcast episode today. I don't have a guest. Uh it's just me. There are actually a lot of topics that I want to cover. I won't get through them all. So, it's likely that I will record a few different podcast episodes to cover everything. Um, excuse me. One of the, before I get into it, a couple announcements, housekeeping things. Please take the survey if you haven't already. You know, I see how many people listen to the podcast. At its peak, there have been 10,000 subscribers to the podcast. And by subscribers, it means people who just check in, listen to the episode on a consistent basis. Maybe not people who actively subscribe to where other people can see that they're subscribed, right?

00:01:49 Courtney Brame: So, I know y'all are out there. There's no reason that I only have like 600 responses to this survey at this point. Honestly, there is no reason for it. this herpes survey. This is what this is the only thing that we have that's active right now aside from all of the information out there that is inconsistent that speaks to statistics about herpes and transmission rates and everything. To me, the most useful bit of information from this survey is how many people have gone on to have sex with partners who do not have herpes and have yet to pass it on to them or to have yet passed it on to anybody. That information to me is more valuable than you could reduce the transmission rate to 1%. No, because it says that there's still 1% chance of transmission. Nothing is eliminating it, but we have people who are out there who are actively having sex with people who do not have herpes, who aren't passing it on.

00:02:54 Courtney Brame: So, that bit of information alone is something that can be presented to these organizations that have the ability to look into the factors that contribute to that. I know a lot of y'all don't care about this. A lot of y'all are comfortable. You're in your support group. You're happy with the community that you've created and built. y'all are in relationships and you don't have to think about herpes very often. But y'all, there are a lot of people who are going to continuously be diagnosed with this virus and for where we are in the state of the world, it's not going to be good for them. I talked to people consistently enough for it to be a thing where this podcast exists, who are not at a good place with their diagnosis, probably never will be. And people are demonstrating being not okay in a variety of ways. And the while the focus of my work is on people in the most extreme cases who might be contemplating suicide or who really struggle with suicide ideation and identify this podcast to be their lifeline.

00:04:00 Courtney Brame: This is still something that everyone can benefit from. Um, and I'm making it an effort to prioritize like how serious this is for some people. No, it's not a big deal to everybody. Yes, it is a big deal to somebody. And everyone on that spectrum can get something out of Something Positive for Positive People. And I'm not asking y'all, you know, to do much. I'll figure out the finances of this. It's a nonprofit. I'm raising money via donations and I'm also able to apply for and submit grant applications. But if I don't have anything to speak to and if I'm not actively able to push, you know, the need for something like this resource to exist, especially among all of the HIV related organizations, then there's no there's no call to action here because there's no sense of urgency. Not enough of us are saying, "Hey, we need something different to happen." And my intention in the most nearest

00:05:07 Courtney Brame: foreseeable future is for everybody to know what their status is when it comes to herpes. For there to be one consistent test that says positive or negative. And you get that once a year unless you know what your status is. And that way all of these people who were talking about, you know, oh, most people who have herpes don't know they have it. There's no reason for that. That's not an excuse. You know, somebody else shouldn't get herpes because someone else didn't know that they had herpes. That's that's that's bull. That's bull. I'm going to not cuss cuz I don't want to have to check that explicit box. But, uh, yeah, this is what this work is, y'all. And it is work.

The Reality of Online Harassment and Broken Boundaries

Courtney Brame: Um, unfortunately, I came across a disgruntled uh person who reached out. And I'll tell this story in case there is some need for legal action in the future. But someone reached out to me uh via the website, via the Something Positive for Positive People website.

00:06:05 Courtney Brame: Um and this was under the guise of wanting to be a podcast guest. I was fine with that. I was excited about it. I'm always looking for podcast guests and rarely do people reach out through the website, you know, and uh I'm normally the person who has to pursue people to be a podcast guest. So, it felt good that this was someone who was coming to me. And so, um I got the email, they asked, should I text them? I emailed and was like, "Hey, this is uh Courtney. I'll be texting you." sent the text and we started the process of talking about what the podcast recording uh process looks like. Red flag number one is that this person wasn't okay with me seeing them on video and then recording the audio. And so as the conversation's going on, this person's trying to make me change the format. Now, for those who don't know, all of my podcast interviews that are not in person, we record the audio only, but we see one another via Google Hangouts or Zoom, whichever uh we're using, or Facebook Messenger app, which is really actually um the best video quality of any of these.

00:07:20 Courtney Brame: And she wanted me to change the uh format of my podcast recording. It's like you don't know how I do this. Like I've been doing this for 7 years. Like if you want to be a guest, I'm now curious what made you even want to be a podcast guest. And so uh from there I was just like, "Hey, you know, you can make a donation to change the process." But I do this to minimize the time that I have to put into the editing process because I don't know if y'all know this or not, but yeah, I use we and all of that language because this is ours. This resource belongs to us. This is our podcast. This is our community, right? But I'm doing all this s***. There goes the explicit button. I'm doing all this s***. Like, I'm the one that's doing the work, the recording, the interviewing, the reaching out, the editing that needs to be done, the maintenance of the website.

00:08:18 Courtney Brame: I'm spending the money to keep this thing active. And fortunately, we have Patreon subscribers who support the financial burden of running this organization. Um, I've received massive donations periodically that have allowed for this to be sustainable. Um, and I've been able to receive a few uh grant and funding opportunities as well. But that is not like that doesn't mean I just stop, you know, taking donations. And I'm also seeing that when people are invested like at least financially that they take this a lot more seriously. So, um I say this because it's going to be important when I close out this story. So I told her I was like, "Hey, if you want to donate to like cover the costs of the time that goes into editing because if I see you, we can talk and have a conversation rather than, you know, trying to guess what you're uncomfortable with because I can't just see your face and talking over one another making for a terrible podcast episode recording." I've not done that.

00:09:28 Courtney Brame: I don't plan to do that. Um, and maybe I did it like in the first year before and decided, no, this ain't it. This ain't for me. But, uh, I'm not doing that again. And I'm not about to change my whole process up for one person either, especially for the amount of time that I volunteer to run this organization. That's just not cool and it's, uh, it's uncalled for. And so, uh, then she proceeds to ask me for an outline. I don't make outlines. like I made an outline for a celebrity guest because that makes sense. But generally with people that I just record a podcast with, I ask them, you know, to share how we met, how they want to be addressed, and then what happened. And from there, it's a conversation. You cannot script and outline a conversation. So, you know, I think a lot of this episode is really just going to be me, you know, using this situation as a way of re-articulating what my boundaries are.

00:10:30 Courtney Brame: I don't want to sound like I'm disgruntled at all. I'm not because this was a very one-off situation. And now that I've pinpointed the perpetrator of this harassment, as you'll hear um and you know, as I continue forward, uh I think that y'all hopefully will get a chance to understand like more of the behind the scenes stuff at Something Positive for Positive People that I go through, deal with, and understand like cuz not a lot of people donate. Like I looked at last month, I had three donations. this month. So far, there's been one, but it's November. It just started. And you know, I might have a dozen donations a month, but get 50 messages about how helpful this was. 50 might be an overexaggeration, but um yeah, I again I'll finish this and then I'll touch on boundaries. So, uh I let her know uh because she mentioned she said, and if you follow me on Instagram, you saw this. She said uh after I asserted that boundary, I was like, "Hey, I'm not changing the structure of things." And she was like,

00:11:37 Courtney Brame: "Are you a Scorpio? You're intense." And I was just like, "Yeah, we're done here." Cuz it's at this point now seems like small talk. And you reached out to me through my website about wanting to make a contribution of your time and your story to this organization that is Something Positive for Positive People. And so, um, we, this, this is so wild to me, but, um, after that, I screenshot it anonymously and I posted it and I was like, "Hey, this is me setting a boundary or this is what happens whenever I go to set boundaries." And within minutes, uh, I got a text message from this person who was like, "Is this what you do? I can sue you for this." And this is a red flag. This is another red flag right here. and I wasn't paying attention to him and she kind of just went off in text and I just said, "Hey, if you want me to take it down, you can ask me to take it down, but it's anonymous. Nobody knows who you are.

00:12:40 Courtney Brame: What I don't understand here." And so, uh, she just was like, "Is this what you do?" And I was like, "Yes, actually, this is exactly what I do. I screenshot my correspondence with people anonymously because, I mean, partially because people don't share things. People don't want their names out there and people will say things that I speak to and put out there. That is literally how this has gotten to this point. This is exactly what I do. I'm not going to put any personal identifiers out there. Uh, and everything is anonymous unless someone says that they want to not be anonymous for any reason. And so, um, I explained that I don't even know why I did all of that. And then uh the tone shifted and I think from there the tone shifted to um like some complaints about uh tying in herpes minimally to this person's experiences with Black men. And at this point like I'm a little alarmed.

00:13:42 Courtney Brame: I don't want to say I'm triggered. I'm alarmed. And it's like okay I need to shut this down right now because now at this point it feels like venting. It feels like this person is making an attempt or this person is obsessed with Black men. Let's just say that. Like I, I think that that's what it is. And so um from there I just was kind of like, "Hey, listen. Uh if you want to attend the support group, here are the requirements. Uh join Patreon. We have weekly support groups. Mondays 6:00 p.m. Pacific time for now. Uh you can join that and you can get the support that you need." Okay. So, that happens and the support group rolls around and I'm probably skipping a couple of interaction pieces, but um the support group rolls around and I'm in there and we're picking up from where we left off last week. I'm not going to go into too many details about the support group.

00:14:38 Courtney Brame: Uh you can join Patreon at minimum of $10 a month and you can attend these weekly support groups. Simple as that. Um, I don't know. Well, I know how this happened, but somehow she was able to get in before becoming a Patreon subscriber. And I remembered that on the last Sunday of the month or the last Monday of the month, the Patreon um support group is open to everybody. So, everybody can see this uh the link to the support group for last Monday, the last support group of the month. And so we're about 20 minutes in the support group, 15, 20 minutes. And then you know this person joins. I was like, "Oh, you join." And uh I was like, "Oh, you know, what's up? How are you? These are the other people here. How do you need support? Like what do you need?" And without again going into details, it wasn't about support initially.

00:15:37 Courtney Brame: And then it became something different. That didn't belong in the support group. I'll close that out there because um again the support group is for the support group. So moving forward from there um I did receive a $10 donation for the support group and I was grateful for that. I was like this person respects this organization, respects my time and along with all of this happening. So, I'm also on Fet Life and this is personal for me like I put out there, hey, this is the work that I do, right? But I'm on Fet Life personally and so um this person and it had to be this person. It has to be like now looking back um is messaging me about like and just like asking for a lot of details. And fortunately for me, I've seen the dating coach and the dating coach was like, "Hey, you know, you don't want to do all that messaging back and forth if you need to get things in person." So there's like minimal

00:16:41 Courtney Brame: sharing. Like I shared a little bit of stuff like about some stuff that I'm into and what my relationship style is and how I do things. And it never occurred to me that, you know, all of these little things locationwise are pinpointing to this general geographical location either. But, uh, I think that this might have been a made-up profile for this person to get to know me and feel as if they had more of a connection with through that. And I'm going to be honest, like at this point now, like with that, I don't know. I don't know what to do differently because it feels like I need to deactivate my Fet Life and it feels like I need to be more cautious of my social media accounts and like because I'm still open to and receptive to connecting with people outside of what my work is. But it seems like this person saw me for my work, saw an end to getting to me personally and feels like they know me and built a connection, a friendship, a relationship, built all of these things with me in her mind.

The Danger of Blurred Lines and Malicious Intent

00:17:59 Courtney Brame: And these are like some of my worst f****** fears of, you know, being who I am in this space because it's so easy on the internet to do things. And so many of my beautiful relationships have come from the internet. So many of my um my like work relationships and opportunities have come from the internet. And now it feels like I need to shut down. I need to shut down my s*** because of how this person like so methodically just went about connecting with me in such a malicious way. This is very malicious. Like I'm so happy I didn't say anything wild or start sending pictures and videos to this person cuz I don't know what this person would have done with it. And I didn't even know that it was this person. So, uh, and don't get me wrong, like people flirt with me, people hit on me, and I flirt and I hit on people, and it's completely like the way that it happens is significantly different.

00:19:05 Courtney Brame: Like, if someone reaches out to me through my website, if somebody reaches out to me over Instagram and they're like, "Hey, herpes support, we keep it there. That's where it stays unless there's another environment, another platform where it's not that or if it needs to shift, there's a conversation that happens, but it's never just as covert as this was. And so, um, following the support group, I just followed up with her the next morning. Hey, how do you feel about, you know, after having attended the support group? How do you feel? And her response was, can I ask you a question? Like, all right, what's your question? And then she mentioned wanting and after knowing about this person's personal life and how she was communicating with me, this is where the dots began to connect because she was like, "Uh, do you want to be in an open relationship with me?" And I was like, "Uh, what?" And the only way that this person would know that would be if they listen to the podcast

00:20:02 Courtney Brame: enough, which they didn't because this person didn't even know how I interviewed people. So the only connection was that this person found me through Fet Life and saw my relationship style and it was shared recently between me and the person that I thought I was communicating with that hey this is what my relationship style is. So this woman had a lot more personal information about me than I was aware of that she had and it was the cons the communication style was consistent you know between the two and fortunately it wasn't like a lot of exchanges at least in my opinion or my mind um but it was enough to it was enough for her to have found me in that way right and to have been able to know me enough personally to find an end through my professional life and try and engage with me. But I guess maybe she didn't think through the process of how serious this was because yeah, it's a support group. So there's other people there, right?

00:21:07 Courtney Brame: So whatever the attention intention was might have needed to shift because of not wanting to seem stalkerish or like harassing me in that setting. So, in a very roundabout way, um there was there was like some of that uh obsession with Black men showed up and you know, people in the support group, you know, I chatted with them since then and they were uncomfortable with some pieces of that and I knew in the moment like, okay, I need to do a better job of setting the expectations of the support group because I thought that this was just like a thing. But it turns out that this is just like a person who is not okay. And this is still someone that, you know, represents our community who expresses things that they need help with, that they need support with. And you know, I don't want to just say, "Hey, this type of person can't be in my support group." No, like that. I'm not going to do that. But what I am going to do is highlight the boundaries and be clear that whatever environment you engage with me in please keep it there and if and if you desire for the intentions to change please be forthcoming with that.

00:22:26 Courtney Brame: This sneaky s*** and the inconsistency of intention is extremely alarming for me and I don't do well with that. So, closing this out, I want to go ahead and finish up and tell y'all where we are with this now. Um, unfortunately, uh, the next thing that came was it it kind of re-highlighted some of the obsession with Black men, racist s***, because um, she began to speak about her past positive relationship with Black men, or one Black man in particular, sent me a long series of text messages, sent me a picture of him, and I'm like, "Hey, hey, like boundaries, you know what I'm saying? Like, and and the last thing that I said was, "Yo, you are married. You talked about your marriage and like we already agreed that in order for you to be able to focus on your marriage, you got to let this old thing go." Like, let that go. And for us to have ended the call with that and then for us to be starting a conversation here now about this particular situation that we said we were leaving in the past.

00:23:44 Courtney Brame: Like it felt gossipy. It felt like bragging. And I didn't read the message. I just saw enough to know what it was about. And I was like, "Yo, this is inappropriate. Hey, you know, please don't do this. This is inappropriate." And it feels like gossip. It feels like bragging. It feels like making an attempt to make yourself more desirable because I already mentioned that she had mentioned uh she said that she wanted to be uh in an open relationship with me but also expressed like having a fantasy about me. And at this point it's just inappropriate. It's not appropriate. And I don't know how I don't know a way to have made this appropriate at all. And so, um, I just said, "Hey, you know, please don't do that. Like, this is inappropriate. I'm flattered. Thank you.

00:24:33 Courtney Brame: Um, but I don't want to hear about the fantasy and this is, you know, gossip. This is something that you want to reserve for your girlfriends or something." And she was like, "Oh, I thought we were friends. Like, we're not friends. I thought we were friends." and then the bells and whistles went off and I was just like, "Yo, she got so mad that she said, "You're treating me like a client." And that statement is spot on because you reached out to me via my business nonprofit for a service that I provide which is general herpes support. And now conversations with people do involve sex. Yes, they are not at all this way of talking about sex. Like sex is inherently in the conversation about herpes, but it's not it's not this vivid. Not not not in this way. And I was not uncomfortable. I'm not uncomfortable with these things at all. But it did make me realize that there needs to be, you know, a rearticulation of boundaries in place.

The Real Cost of Vague Allegations and the Need for Protection

00:26:00 Courtney Brame: And the purpose of me recording this is now because it's gotten past the point of harassment to where I do need to log things. So, this podcast will serve as a log along with the screenshots of communication that are safe of um they're safe and in a place where uh should anything else happen, I have all my documents in order to take legal action. Um, but yeah, it has me even more hesitant. And I don't know if I mentioned to y'all before, but uh there's another disgruntled uh series of communication that I have between myself and someone else who is in the herpes education advocacy space. I won't name names until there has to be legal action taken. But this thing keeps resurfacing. And fortunately, but unfortunately, me covering my ground and having all of these documents and all of the communication um saved in a folder has been my saving grace. Um I've had two opportunities that not were affected, but like could have been affected that I know of by this person having a post online about me um and the word sexual misconduct.

00:27:18 Courtney Brame: And this is a sexual misconduct is a statement that is so vague that it can be from hi your hair looks nice today to full-blown I've seen you in person which I haven't and things happened and the way that people receive that you know I especially as a Black man having this threat or this this false allegation from a white woman like look at the aesthetics of that. That looks terrible and it's out there. There's nothing I can do about it and it's just sitting on the internet. So twice now that's come up and it's not enough for me to be able to take legal action unfortunately. But the guns loaded for me to be able to pull the trigger the minute that I know it's affecting my career and my income. So between these two things, man, I don't know what more I can do because even after the mention of that other thing, like all I've done is just lock in more and be more transparent about, you know, my intentions even when people reach out to me.

00:28:27 Courtney Brame: Like I shut down I have been shutting people down left and right. It's probably come at the cost of donations. It's probably come at the cost of um uh potentially wonderful, beautiful relationships, but I got to protect myself. Ain't nobody else here. This is just me. Courtney disappears. Like, all this goes away. And you know, it's just crazy to me that these are the two women that I have not met, you know, I've communicated with online and just not met them and yet they have the ability to impact the way that I engage with everybody else who is a woman in this space. And like I'm one of one of very few men in this space. I'm the only man who is Black and also who's in the nonprofit sector of this. So, I have to be very careful. And part of me just going ahead and speaking about it now is to be able to just let this go because I don't want this to influence my interactions because like I have interactions with people who can come in and be, you know, professional and I can just be the person that they're seeing through the podcast, social media, and as running the nonprofit.

00:29:50 Courtney Brame: I can just be myself and give them the best f****** support that they can get, the best advice and guidance that they can get. And I understand that that can be attractive because I know for myself like I really see people. I see people for who they are. I let people have the permission to be themselves. And I recognize that society is very hungry for that and really needs that. And I have that to give and I give it and I give it unfiltered. It's unfiltered. And I recognize as someone who does not receive that who you know I don't get the thing back that I give to the world like minimally and the few people who do give me that who have given me that I treasure dearly but I see because of that how easily you know someone can fall in love with me or can become attracted to me and it not be just because of who I am but more so because of who I show themselves to be.

00:30:58 Courtney Brame: And that seems to be something that, you know, hasn't it is a factor here, especially as a Black man where we are essentially like collectively deemed as not very communicative, not more than our physical bodies. And yeah, it helps that I'm attractive, like that I have a nice smile. I know what my shoulders look like. I know what my body looks like. And I know that. And also when I open my mouth to speak, like I usually see it, especially in white people's faces, that they're shocked that I sound educated and that I can articulate my words when I need to. Don't get it twisted. Like, I still got an accent and I still say words, you know, the way that I say words, but I know where to speak a certain way. And the combination of these things really makes me susceptible to being a f****** target, you know, a target for someone's lust, a target for someone's uh feeling of safety. Like me, I have a lot of interactions with white women.

00:32:00 Courtney Brame: And I very much am mindful of what those dynamics are. So part of me being oblivious to, you know, some women being attracted to me is safety. It's a safety mechanism. and I act like I don't know what the f*** going on because I know what's going on. And it's better that I just act like I don't. So I didn't tell it to myself. Um butI I've seen it too many times where like, oh, I'm a safe Black man for women who've had trauma with unsafe Black men to sort of be y'all's emotional punching bag. And I ain't I I see it. And now that I didn't outed myself as, you know, being oblivious to the s*** and this situation happened, this situation combined with the sexual misconduct one, it put me over the edge. I can't put myself in this situation anymore. I got to watch my ass because, you know, y'all can say whatever the f*** y'all want to say and it's going to be this happened until I got to prove that something didn't happen before you have to prove that something did happen.

00:33:09 Courtney Brame: And so again, this entire situation again is making me resurface boundaries. I don't want to do things differently. I want for people to be able to come here, get the support they need, and leave. And you know, for where I'm at, I'm at the intersection of sexual health and mental health. I speak to a lot of white women. and these few white women that I've had these extreme negative interactions with, I don't want that to impact how I conduct my support. I don't want that to contribute to my burnout. I don't want that to contribute to me uh having to step away from this for my livelihood. Like, I'm sorry. I can't let that happen. But at the same time, like if tomorrow I get a letter in the mail saying some woman that I've never f****** met or I had like a text exchange with over Tinder uh is now coming after me for who I am in my nonprofit.

00:34:12 Courtney Brame: I can't do anything about that. There's nothing I can do. And I'mma be honest, like I don't know what the f*** y'all think going on over here. Yes, there's donations. There's uh some grants that have come in but I ain't got like no lawyer on retainer. This nonprofit is very unique in the sense that it has such a great impact on people. I see the impact. I know the impact. People find it valuable. But ain't no money coming in like that to where I can actually defend myself if someone were to take uh a proclaimed legal action towards me. I can't do s***. All I can do is shut this b**** down and move on to whatever else it is I'mma do. So, um, and I keep not closing out the story. So, closing out the story, this woman sent me five website inquiries, at least five, from different email addresses that weren't real email addresses, made-up names, and all saying kind of the same thing about my website being a scam.

00:35:22 Courtney Brame: I shouldn't be asking for money. She commented on one of my recent Facebook posts after I posted a podcast episode, and that was what made me snap. I was like, "Hey, lady, I know who this is. Uh, I'm I've seen the consistency of communication across platforms and very professionally because um I think she expressed that there was a little bit of a language barrier and her English was a bit broken. So I expressed to her, I was like, "Hey, I need you to stop doing this or else this is harassment and I have to bring this to my board members and decide how we're going to take legal action because now you just I mean you saying my website's a scam and messaging me from other Instagram accounts saying I heard your website is a scam and you're asking people for money. You need to be doing this for free." And then I'm getting personal messages on my fat life like harassing me talking about you having herpes, you shouldn't be like why are you doing this?

00:36:15 Courtney Brame: How do you have so much time? Like you got kids, you got a husband. Like come on. So, and I'm sure you're hearing this and respectfully, I've not shared your name. I've not shared, you know, any additional details, but this is out here for my protection and for my safety. Now, should you decide that you want to engage with me again, don't please don't. I, again, have everything that I need to take the legal action. I don't want to have to put resources toward taking any kind of legal action. I just want to run my podcast. I want to host my podcast. I want to continue to support people. I want to continue to save lives, change lives through this tragedy that is a herpes diagnosis. I'm aware that people are not always okay and that's okay. I encourage you and if you are someone who might have had thoughts about doing this, please get help.

00:37:16 Courtney Brame: Please, please. So, all of that to say, like I I'm I'm coming out of the closet of hiding, being oblivious to s***. If I see it, I'm going to call it out. And if my instincts are telling me not to do a thing, not to work with you, or to refer you somewhere else, I got to honor that. So, I ask that y'all please be respectful. I've had a thousand respectful interactions that I can't remember. And then I have these handful of ones that make me think that I need to change up everything because somehow these people have responded to me in a different way. And it is the pattern that is seeing me in a personal environment and then seeing me in this professional environment and then like merging the two because of who I am here. Yes, I'm very myself. Yes. But I don't bring certain components into this space. All right.

Enforcing Non-Negotiable Boundaries

00:38:24 Courtney Brame: Like I, I need y'all to honor that. I need y'all to respect that. like and especially again the fact that I am a man in this space, a straight man. If I was a gay man, there wouldn't be any issues. I know that for a fact. I mean, the few men that I talk to, very rarely do I come across, you know, any men who aren't straight. And it's rare that I even talk to men, but if I were to just be like a gay man running this nonprofit, like I'd probably I'd have so much more respect and money or different. Let me say a different kind of respect. And I think that the resources here would be top tier. Like right now, my phone is sitting on my chest and I'm laying on my back in my bed at like 7:40 a.m. on a Saturday recording this podcast. I ain't got I ain't got it like that. The organization, the website, I put a lot of money into the website.

00:39:19 Courtney Brame: uh fortunately from some donations that we were able to receive. But like I'm upgrading as we can and I'm doing the best with what I got to work with. But I know that talking to people is the most useful part for this. And I'm not just helping people heal their relationship to their herpes diagnosis. A lot of women have expressed to me that they have trauma around men and being around a safe man and that safe male energy is supportive to their healing. I respect that. I appreciate that. I will continue to give that. But when I set a boundary, y'all can't get mad. Y'all can't get mad. When I say no or when I reject you, please don't get mad. Please. I need, and it's really hard for me as it is to say no and reject because I've been there. I've been rejected. I still get rejected and I know what that s*** feels like.

00:40:19 Courtney Brame: And saying no and setting a boundary is a very difficult f****** thing. Saying no is hard. Hearing no is hard. Especially after you go through what you have to go through in order to muster the courage to ask for what it is that you want from somebody who you really want it from, who's really capable of giving you that thing and then you don't get it. I know what that feels like. I know the pain that that causes and I know that, you know, the the value of my yes is significantly increased, especially based on the past experiences that you've had where you've heard no so many times from someone that you would want to move forward with or you would want to do things with or play with, whatever. And part of what makes me so impactful is that there is no professional and personal line. There are no restrictions that I have to follow. I can speak my mind and be real and say what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and respond to people in the moment and be present.

00:41:28 Courtney Brame: And again, I know that this is something that is like people are desiring and they're hungry for and they just don't have. I see that. I get that y'all. I get it. I can't change who I am in that sense. I'm not going to change who I am in that sense. I'm not going to shut myself off from being the person who is making as much of an impact on people's lives as I am and have been. It's just not going to happen. So with that, yes, a thousand people might come in and they might say, "Oh my god, Courtney, this is the most useful, the best thing that I've ever had in my life. Thank you. You've helped me. I can go on, I can disclose, I can have a family, I can be in my relationship, a thousand people. But it'll be one or two people that come along with that who just try and f****** like take me out, whatever that looks like.

00:42:21 Courtney Brame: Not not take me out like on a date, but like take me out of where I am. And I don't know, man. It's just like I know people are hurt. I know people are in need of help. They need support. They can get all types of things that you know perhaps I am capable of giving them but also like I have to I am watching myself. I'm prioritizing myself now and you know uplifting these boundaries. This is something that is going to increase the longevity of something positive for positive people. So with the story time I closed it out completely. I told the lady, I said, "Hey, listen. If you contact me again, I have to figure out a way to take legal action." It's as simple as that. I know who this person is. Um, and yeah, I know who you are, and I have my ways of confirming that and validating that. So, please don't please just don't do that.

00:43:22 Courtney Brame: Don't contact me. Don't make another social media page and message me. Like if I even think it's you, if I think that it's her and somebody messages me, I'm going to have to act as if it's her. So if you are somebody who just wants to troll me, don't troll me. Tell me what your intentions are and we can go from there. Um, a few housekeeping tools. One, contact me through the website. Uh the website is just going to have to be you know where I I've been directing people there like hey touch base with me through the website if people have questions about herpes and disclosure. My social media is a place where lines can be blurred very easily. Uh I don't have a business page. I tell people because this is where so much of the herpes following is and people are engaged with me there. I just tell people, hey, go to the website. Please go to the website and the link to the website to my profile.

00:44:29 Courtney Brame: But I'm not doing the support thing over social media anymore. Um, I hate that because it's been so convenient and yeah, I just need people to go through the website now. That's one of the biggest changes. And even though this person came through the website uh and didn't know anything, like I I don't know. I don't know where else, you know, she might have engaged with me to have gotten to a point of feeling the way that she felt about me. I don't know. It just feels like some attraction was developed and built, you know, and created in her mind and put in front of me. I don't know, man. But I have to protect myself from these kinds of encounters while still being open to being able to provide the level of support that I've been able to provide over the last seven years. like seven years and over the last two or three years like all this bull BS happening.

00:45:32 Courtney Brame: I already done cussed. This b******* is happening and it's scary. Like I ain't going to sit up here and say like, "Oh, I got it." But this is some scary ass s***. And so like my only defense is this transparency that I'm having with y'all about things moving forward. So if y'all got herpes related questions, come to the support groups. It's safe for me. We're talking. There's other people there. Can't nobody say Courtney said this or did this and and make s*** up. Like just come to the support groups. Visit patreon.com/support. This group meets on Mondays at 6:00 p.m. Pacific time, 9:00 p.m. Eastern time. If you can make it, make it. The last Monday, the last Monday of each month is open to everybody. You can just go to the events tab on Something Positive for Positive People's website, which is spfpp.org.

00:46:26 Courtney Brame: or and you can join the call. Um, again, if you're a Patreon subscriber at the level of $10 a month or more, then you can um you can attend all of the weekly support groups for free. Uh, I'm sorry, for free. You can attend all of the weekly support groups because you're a Patreon subscriber at a level of $10 or more. Um, generally people come in, they ask questions, you know, about herpes. They might share a little bit about their experience and ask for some perspective. You know, I'm one dude who's talked to a lot of people, but it's nice to be able to just facilitate, you know, a group of people having a conversation and getting the perspective of other people. Let's just say that because it's all women in the support group. Um if you're someone who wants to just have a conversation with me, I just ask that you send me proof of a donation.

00:47:28 Courtney Brame: Can you please do that? I don't care how much it is. I just want to know that you've invested something somehow prior to us engaging. Um I think that this also does a good job of setting the tone for what the communication is going to be. Um, if you are somebody who's looking for a friend, I'm going to tell you right now, y'all, I don't have the capacity for new friendships, at least not through not virtually. I don't have the capacity for internet friends anymore. It's gone. And I don't I'm not allowing myself to be receptive to that. Um, you know, if it's one of those things where it's like, “hey, uh, I'm in town. I would like to meet and go to lunch” or something like that. Like I'm receptive to that, but I'm unable to maintain friendships with people online. And whatever the intention is with you reaching out, please just be clear in that intention.

00:48:24 Courtney Brame: Um I kind of have to step back from, you know, I have to step back from being my oblivious self, like I can't do that anymore. So, a lot of communication is going to be much more direct and intentional. I'm going to do my best with setting expectations and in writing so that nothing can be misconstrued. Um, I usually voice message and say, "Hey, you know, here's what's happening. This is what's going on." But, I don't know. I just know that I need to do more things to protect myself. All right? So, I don't want to talk about this again. If I talk about it again, it's because legal action is being taken. So, that's out there. It's public knowledge. Um, it's for the podcast. It's for nonprofit protection. Um, again, I've got the information that I need privately. It is set aside privately. All of the correspondence and all of that.

00:49:31 Courtney Brame: um to where if any of these people who have, you know, called harm or caused harm or claimed to threaten something against me or whatever, like I I got that on deck. So, now that I've talked for the entirety of a podcast episode, I can talk about what I want to talk about, the boundaries. Um, one, just please send me uh proof of your donation prior to whatever your question is. That's a non-negotiable at this point. Um, if you're somebody I already have an existing relationship with, you've donated in the past, obviously this doesn't apply to you, um, just yeah, just be mindful of that. Um, if you're someone who wants to talk about how to tell somebody you have herpes, go listen to episode 299 of Something Positive for Positive People, that is a 1 hour free podcast/informational episode on exactly how to disclose. And this is how I tell people- how I teach people how to disclose their herpes status. All right. If you contact me and ask me how to disclose, I am going to first suggest you listen to that podcast episode because even if we talk, I am going to reference that episode.

00:50:45 Courtney Brame: And if you don't understand, you know what I'm getting at, like I'm essentially going to be talking to you the way that um I was talking in that podcast episode with Dr. Evelin Dacker. Okay, listen to that podcast episode if you are going to ask me how do I disclose because that's where I'm going to point you in the direction of. Okay, now if you still decide that you want to talk to me um and have a one-on-one conversation, like I'm going to have questions. This isn't one of those things where you call me and I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to say to disclose without having some type of background information. This is a one-on-one phone conversation. If you are not ready or willing to talk about yourself personally, talk about your relationships um and say, you know, things about this person like who they are, what do they do, how old are you, how old are they, what's the relationship like, we don't need to talk because it'll be a waste of time.

00:51:46 Courtney Brame: I need your transparency the same way that I'm being transparent here today. And I also need your investment, your commitment, right? Um, I need to know that you are invested in this conversation and the only way to know that is if you send me proof of a donation prior to us hopping on the phone and having the conversation, right? Um, what else is there? Um, I put out opportunities often for people to engage publicly. Um, there are so many people who message me because they won't just comment on the thing. And there are people who comment about the same things. And I guess people feel like it outs them if they comment on something that I'll post. But truthfully, the only people who f****** follow me are people who have herpes, who date people who have herpes, who are uh in the field of sex education or public health, and people who are in the same mindset of f*** stigma. And the people who check in are people who are looking for proof that it's safe to be here and follow me.

Valuing the Work and Demanding Reciprocity

00:52:57 Courtney Brame: Those people who don't follow me, but like to look at the content. And the more people that they see engaged, the more that does to alleviate people's own internalized stigma. Right? As safe of a place as this is, people only find that safety in me directly. And I need for them to see that safety in the community, in the organization, in how other people are engaging with other people. And this is also something that helps support me uh in getting that backing. I need that backing of the community in order to be taken seriously, in order for me to be able to make some type of an actual change and impact in a way that isn't just one- on-one with people, but out there into the world. The CDC ain't going to take me seriously. The NIH ain't going to take me seriously. the National Coalition of STD directors, the in National Coalition for Sexual Health, uh the American Sexual Health Association, all of these acronym people, Planned Parenthood, they're not going to take me seriously if it's just me, this dude, yelling into the void that people are struggling with herpes stigma, and ain't nobody, you know, behind me.

00:54:09 Courtney Brame: Ain't nobody else yelling. It's a handful of us, maybe a dozen of us who are open on our social media pages about social media, uh, about herpes. I'm the only one that's going to these organizations and asking them to prioritize this. I'm the only person who's asked, who's sharing experiences of people who are navigating stigma and saying, "Hey, we need something different." I'm not asking for a cure. I'm asking for something that is tangible within reason that we can do now. And that's take these experiences and stories that I've been collecting over the years and put them in the STD prevention efforts, put them in the uh sex education so that people are up and coming are aware that herpes exists, that cold sores are herpes, that when we that the risk of it is just a natural thing that people have to be okay with, that it's something that has terrible tests for, and that it's something that is completely manageable to live with. so that when people get their diagnosis, they don't want to kill themselves and go into that dark state of their mental health.

00:55:18 Courtney Brame: That's what this is about, y'all. And I need that. I need that. I can't- I'm not going to keep asking y'all for s***. I'm going to continue to do what I'm doing and show up. Um, I'm honestly finding that the more I do that it isn't just the weekly podcast, the more burnt out I feel. And the conversations that I have with people, like the podcast and the conversations that I have, these are the things that give me life. I'm very excited about them. They nourish me. And the more I ask for donations and don't get them, the more rejected I feel. And the more that I apply for these grants, and I put so much into applying for these grants, and then when I don't get them, the more rejected I feel. But like, you see me pushing through rejection. Like, why can't y'all push through that? Push through the rejection.

00:56:13 Courtney Brame: Push through the fear and see what's on the other side of that, right? Like I, I'm recognizing my burnout and I'm actively doing things to keep myself from actually burning out because I know how important this work is to some people. I know because I hear from them. These people tell me how helpful this is to them. But I need more people to tell other people how important this is to them. I need y'all to push these organizations to look for me because otherwise like even in the support groups when I say, "Hey, I'm helping people with herpes. Here's what y'all can do." It's self-promotion. My post gets deleted. Uh but when people in the group say something about it, which is rare, that's when people take it seriously. Like that's how nonprofits, that's how businesses, that's how word of mouth works. When people tell people that this thing has value, it has value. When the person says, "Hey, I have value. Here it is." It's like it's completely. It's not the same.

00:57:19 Courtney Brame: It's not the same. So, this is very much like a rambling podcast episode. I promise that there will be good ones, but I needed to say this and I needed to put it out there into the world because I don't want people to be confused by my sudden change of, you know, being more direct and intentional. Uh, I don't want it to seem sudden either, but that's what it's going to feel like. Um, the information for how to contact me is out there on all my platforms, but I know that I keep repeating things and I'm saying them over and over again, but again, this is real. This is raw. This is where I'm at. All of this was like closed out yesterday. I went to sleep and woke up and I was like, "Yeah, let me go ahead and, you know, put this out as a podcast." you know, if it puts a target on my back in other ways because now I've given someone perspective that, oh, someone else did this.

00:58:26 Courtney Brame: I can do this. Let me do it better than they did. I mean, there is nothing I can do to stop you. But I can do my best to protect myself and keep myself from entering a situation like that by just saying, "Hey y'all, this is what it is." And for those who have no malicious intent, I appreciate y'all. I love y'all. Thank y'all. Continue to support. Um, I'm not going to shut y'all out along with the few people who might have that malicious intent. All right, so there we have it. You know, if you want to talk to me, proof of donation and then we can set it up. But, uh, social media, social media, I'm using social media, social media. I'm using my dating apps and profiles for what I'm using them for. Uh, I am still collecting survey responses. Please visit spfpp.org/survey. Um it's also on the website tab as surveys. Um support groups Mondays 6:00 p.m. Pacific time. Just become a Patreon subscriber and you'll be able to get access to that if you um subscribe at $10 or more per month if you pledge $10 or more per month. Um that's it y'all. That's all I got. Uh, mark your calendars. May 23rd, 2024, Something Positive for Positive People Virtual Conference. All right. I feel good having gotten that off my chest. And I know now that, you know, this next recording will be a really good one, but this is like a filler type thing. Um, I got a lot to talk about and yeah, you'll get to hear it. Till next time.

Transcription ended after 01:01:30