SPFPP 316: Life is About What Happens Through You Not to You
November 10th is my 35th birthday and since I was 13 years old, I had been holding on to what I’ve learned to be the root of my self worth issues..
This episode is one of healing. This is the longest SPFPP podcast episode to date that I have and I feel an immense sense of “things will be different for me” now that' I’ve released the grief I’ve held on to all this time. I dedicate this podcast to the first woman to fight for me and unconditionally love me, Patricia Anne Johnson. This is the epitome of “Life is about what happens through you, not to you.”. I’m scattering your ashes digitally across the radio waves of the internet. I love you grandma and thank you for seeing me even before I was physically here.
Episode 316 Transcript
The Five-Year Anniversary and Stigma Minimization
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. My name is Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that supports people navigating herpes stigma in a variety of ways. People ask me, you know, oh, what do you do with your nonprofit? And it often depends on who's asking me how I answer the question. And there's really no way around that because on one hand, I started this as a suicide prevention awareness resource for people who are struggling most with herpes stigma to give them a road map of a variety of ways to navigate their diagnosis from the lived experiences of other people who've had this virus for various amounts of time. I've interviewed people who had been diagnosed for a few days. I've interviewed people who've been diagnosed for 20 plus years.. and the perspectives that people offer just aren't heard. And uh I'm so grateful over the last 7 years that this organization has been just a nonprofit.
00:01:41 Erika Velazquez's Presentation: It's been a podcast. Uh I'm sorry. It's been a nonprofit for 5 years. In fact, I'll be celebrating the 5-year anniversary and I invite you to celebrate that with me. Um, I'm hosting the first ever conference exclusively for people with herpes. It'll be virtual. I want to shout out Stephanie Zapata for uh offering consulting services for putting on something like this which, yes I am putting money into this, I am invested. I am investing in people. Uh, I'm investing in services. I'm investing in um not product. Oh, I guess they are products. Uh cuz I don't have Zoom. Everything that I've been using so far has been as efficient and as low cost as possible until it hit a point where I just couldn't do certain things anymore without spending money. And fortunately, um, some big donations have come in and I've been able to do things like pay speakers to present at this upcoming conference that will be for people with herpes.
00:02:39 Courtney Brame: So, uh, the date is going to be May 23rd, 2024, and this will be the 5-year anniversary of Something Positive for Positive People. I'm excited about it. Um, I sent out a call for uh proposals and there are some sex therapists uh people who are living with herpes who are in professional settings, mental health professionals as well as people who work in the public health setting. And this is legit a conference for people with herpes. If you would have asked me what I would be doing in the year 2024, 10, 15, 20 years ago, this ain't what I would have been saying. Y'all, I'mma be real with you. I'm putting on a herpes conference. What? Um, you'll notice that my tone is significantly different from the previous episode. Uh, and that's just because I've let go. Uh I mentioned that my biggest supportive resources to me have been these books called Psychocybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz and then Letting Go by David R. Hawkins.
00:03:46 Courtney Brame: These two books have really taught me that I am something that is not my mind nor my body rather I have a mind and have a body. And it doesn't get into the woo woo of it. It just teaches you how to look at your psychology as well as your emotions and be able to use them the way that they're supposed to be used. And these kinds of tools have not been accessible or available to me. And if they were, uh, I just wasn't paying attention. But a lot of knowledge is in books and I've not been pointed in the direction of books. I've been pointed in the direction of, uh, social media, TikTok, online resources and opinions. Right? So these are very critical structures to my own growth and development and everything that I do, everything that I practice and use, I apply those tools. Uh so if you're someone who doesn't have the feeling that you can contribute to Something Positive for Positive People to get what you want uh for yourself personal development wise, I encourage you to check out those books.
00:04:55 Courtney Brame: Whatever you got to do to get those books. I think they're $16 on Audible or if you have Audible and credits, just use the credit. It's a very great investment. I still listen to these even after like 10 years now of going through this self-help journey. And oftentimes, a lot of books that I do read will reference um some of the lessons in those books that have already been in place. So, with that being said, uh let me go ahead and just wrap up the announcements. If you haven't already taken the 2023 HSV survey, I invite you to please do that. All right, I need as many of these responses as we can get. Especially leading into the conference because that's where I'm going to present this information and hopefully be able to put together some nice handouts for disclosure resources for the healthcare organizations and providers to be able to share this information and deem it to be valid. Uh for years I've just been a dude with a podcast to these organizations and now it's significantly different.
The Spiritual Weight of Grief and Physical Blockages
00:06:00 Courtney Brame: Like that's not the case anymore. All right. So, okay, wrapping that up. I'm going to close that out and move on. So, uh, I mentioned that I have a lot of things that I want to touch on. So, what's calling to me right now is um really speaking to a recent experience I had. So, I share my experience and then just see what naturally comes from there. Uh every year around my birthday, I get very weird. And so this podcast is going to be released the day before my birthday. My 35th birthday, uh, November 10th, 1988 is when I was born. And I want to share this story with y'all because I'm ready to let it go. I really am. So on my 13th birthday, my grandmother, my dad's mom, um, it was her funeral. Her funeral was this day. And I remember the feeling like I I still whenever I think about it well whenever I talk about it I in my body feel like I am trying to crawl into myself and hide from the sound of how my dad's side of the family after the funeral was singing happy birthday to me on the day of my grandmother's funeral.
00:07:17 Courtney Brame: And I am aware that they probably did not have this intention, but it f***** me up. I'm gonna just be real with you. So, I've been weird over the past several weeks, and I recognize that every year I get weird around my birthday, and it's partially mostly probably all the way because of that. Uh, com if you add on somebody tripping with me to that, I think it gets amplified. So, I've let people closest to me know, hey, I get weird around my birthday. Just… that's it. That's all I've said. And so, I think that it's really helpful for me to practice what I encourage y'all to do, which is to say the thing. And applying what I've learned from Letting Go by David R. Hawkins, it requires you to let the emotion be as it is and don't try and fight it. And I believe that when you start to fight the emotion that you're wanting to feel, it begins to get stuck. And emotions are energy in motion and they're natural.
00:08:27 Courtney Brame: They're supposed to happen. When that energy is in motion through your body and you resist it with all of your being, I think it gets stuck and it begins to manifest as physical things inside your body. And this is where we get into various types of illnesses that aren't really explained or whatever, right? But the immune function because uh one thing I learned from psychocybernetics is that the mind cannot differentiate between an experience that is real and one that is created with the imagination. Okay? Like there are studies that show if under a hypnotic state a person is suggested that their hand is in a cold bucket of ice water that the body's response to that area is going to uh it like the hand will start to change colors to accommodate for that. Or if you tell them that it's hot like you'll see this person begin to sweat. That is how powerful our psych uh our psychology is. like our minds are.
00:09:33 Courtney Brame: And so if we're not conscious of it, like we can be controlled and manipulated by our uh unconscious. And I use these examples because that's really what has been happening with me. And I think that it's played out in a way that while a lot of people might benefit from it, I'm not. And I have been sticking emotions in my body and allowing for them to manifest into uh things muscle tension and uh I want to sort of stay on track but when I speak to the muscle tension just know that I'll I'll come back to that. Okay. So, uh, my emotions of really, I guess, grieving the loss of my grandmother. But with grief, it's not exclusively about the loss of the person. It's also the loss of the uh, relationship that you foresaw having, the loss of a relationship that you thought that you would have after time, the thought of uh, what the future would look like. Uh there's a lot just missing and there's not really been a grieving process for me uh at all.
00:10:50 Courtney Brame: I've had moments where I would honor this time of year for myself in a way, but it's not been enough to really let it move through me because I recognize that it is in fact controlling me. It's controlling my behavior. So me speaking about this here um I think that this is sort of my distributing my grandmother's energetic ashes. I always say life is not about what happens to you, it's about what happens through you and I want to… I want to just share a little bit about my grandma and um I hope that this is something that helps you know other people as well. So my grandmother… My grandmother was schizophrenic. I didn't know anything about this at the time. All right. She used to talk about seeing demons and call people devils. She made up a name for me or me and my little brothers. Uh I was what she called me? I was Chanty. My middle brother, he was Sir Anthony.
00:11:53 Courtney Brame: And my younger brother Jeff was uh Ariel. And she call us, she just give us these nicknames. And I thought we just had nicknames, you know. I ain't know. Uh my grandma was like, "You're schizophrenic." Uh but one thing about my grandma and this is this is hard to talk about specifically for being in the space of sex education, right? Uh because there's so much talk about abortion and the right to abortion and everybody should be able to get an abortion whenever they want to, no questions asked, blah blah blah. But I know a lot more about my pre-being born than I should and no one seems to want to really give me the entire story. Um, and it started with- I've heard things from my mom. I've heard things from my dad. But two years ago, I heard from my grandfather who was married to my grandmother. At that time they've been divorced but uh I guess around the time that my mother was pregnant with me- my mom got pregnant with me at 17 and so uh I can only put together bits and pieces of what happened based on the information that I have.
00:13:08 Courtney Brame: That's my disclaimer. But essentially what I've come to realize was that based on how my grandfather presented the last bit of information that I got two years ago on my birthday, he said he was like, "Boy, your grandma fought for you." And he didn't want to elaborate. I looked at him. I was like, "She fought for me? What do you mean?" And he just kind of like he didn't want to, he didn't want to go any further. And that was the final puzzle piece of my assumption of what was going on. And it was that my mom said that her parents were pressuring her into getting an abortion. I knew that she had asked for birth control before she had started to become sexually active. I don't know if that was sexually active with my dad or sexually active in general, but I know that story. I know that much. And I know that her uh yeah, her parents didn't want their teenage daughter, you know, who had her whole life ahead of her to ruin her life by having a baby.
00:14:09 Courtney Brame: And my grandmother, my dad's mom, uh, took her in. And I know that my mom told me that they had a conversation. She was like, "What if this is the only, what if this is your only chance to have a kid?" And I guess that was the thing that stuck with my mom and made her keep me. My mom went on to have three more kids just or two more kids. Two more kids, I'm sorry. But um she told me this and she told me this story and my grandmother was like my granddad is a f****** G. Let me just tell you that- like, my grandfather is the patriarch of the household. Well, my family is very broken up and distributed, right? But at the end of the day, my grandfather will take care of… he will handle business. All right, just let me say that. So, I'm just imagining my mom's dad, who's the grandfather I'm speaking of, and my dad's mom, you know, who my my grandma, she's schizophrenic, y'all.
The Trauma of Invalidation
00:15:13 Courtney Brame: I ain't going to say, I'm not going to use the C word, but I can just imagine how this conversation could have gone between them. But my grandmother essentially protected my mom from her parents making her get an abortion is what my understanding is. And when I think about my grandmother, I think, damn, you know, I might not be here if it wasn't for that. I might not be here if it wasn't for, you know, her fighting for me. I might not be here or I might have been here another way, you know. But, uh, I have moments where, again, I get weird around my birthday. Weird just meaning really f****** moody. And if you say the wrong thing to me at the wrong time, you feel that s***. And if you say the right thing at the right time, I might interpret it wrong. And this goes on for roughly 3 weeks around my birthday. And then it's also like the time change.
00:16:12 Courtney Brame: So my sleep pattern is a little off because I'm not sleeping the way that I should. And every time around the time change comes, this happens. So we got these things stacked on top of one another, right? So my grandmother who fought for you know my birth- my life - uh and all also by the way my mom and her parents have taken really tremendous care of me um growing up and I got a lot of what I wanted, everything I needed, everything I needed and a lot of what I wanted. So, um, I wanted to just make sure to like preface that I do believe I still harbor some resentment towards them, but this is my letting go episode, right? This is me distributing the ashes of my grandmother, distributing the harbored emotions that I have towards them for not wanting me because that's what it feels like. And I think anybody who wasn't aborted can relate if you're listening to this podcast episode. So, um this is why uh I bring this up because now as an adult who has gone through the process and I really underestimate and undervalue the amount of emotional awareness that came from me going through my self-help journey as well as my yoga teacher certification.
00:17:32 Courtney Brame: So, I have 500 hours of yoga teacher certifications. And I didn't realize that so much of that has been what I've used for not just myself and being to this place of being able to experience my own healing process but to also share that with others as well and coming across some of the findings of uh the the way that I communicate the way that I am present with people like presence itself is like the divine divine divinity is presence and So much of what I've leaned into being present has been what people benefit from through a lot of the things that I do or touch and put my… put my hands on. Whatever I put my hands on, whatever I put my breath to, whatever, right? So my grandmother's funeral is on my 13th birthday. My family singing happy birthday to me. I remember at the funeral or at the wake. It was the wake where they do the open casket viewing. I looked at my grandma.
00:18:35 Courtney Brame: I laughed. I was like, "This ain't my damn grandma. Like, quit playing." And I laughed and I felt really guilty about laughing, you know? I was like, "Oh s***, she's actually dead." And I laughed about that. But it wasn't that I laughed about that. I was like, "It didn't look like her. It felt like somebody was f****** with me." And I don't remember attending any funerals before then, but I know that it's just… it didn't look like her. It didn't feel like her, you know? And my grandma didn't get to see who I am now. Like she didn't get to see the work that I've accomplished, right? And you know, there's a part of me that's like, "Oh, she's watching over you. She knows." Right? But I think that for so much of my life, you know, uh I've I've spoken recently about, you know, pursuing intimacy with people and this craving and desire for intimacy yet settling for sex.
00:19:30 Courtney Brame: And like sometimes the emotional connection and the intimacy that I seek through sex is not something that I get. And I couldn't really figure it out. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of sex and it's just not I've had very few times where it's felt connected and I realized that like a lot of people talk about men having mommy issues or daddy issues, but like I got a f****** grandma issue and my grandma who saw something in me, right? People very rarely see through my physical body. I recognize I know I'm attractive. I know I have a nice smile. I know I have a good uh body and energy to me, right? But my grandmother and as a f****** embryo or whatever I would have been at that stage like knew that my mother was going to give birth to something special. and 12 years into her life, you know, she's had the opportunity to really nurture that.
00:20:46 Courtney Brame: She's nurtured my nature as best she could. I saw my grandma on weekends, a lot of weekends. Um, and then she was gone. You know, I turned 13 and I remember, I remember where I was when I found out she died. I was in the bathtub after school. I was actually taking a bath. Like it was bath time at 12 years old. I was at my house at 1706 Dow. I don't remember any of my addresses, but I remember this one. And uh I was in the bathroom connected to my mom's room and my stepdad at the time's room. And my mom was crying. She was on a cordless phone. If y'all know what that is, she was on a cordless phone. She came in through the side that I was facing uh where the toilet was and she walked in and she was just like, "I'm so sorry. Your grandma died." And I don't know if I had a reaction right away.
00:21:47 Courtney Brame: I don't think I did. And around that time, this has happened enough times for it to be a thing. But when death happens, cuz shortly before that, I remember I saw what looked like a streak of lightning. You know, if you can just imagine a random ass streak of lightning. It wasn't raining outside. I know that. But just like if you're looking at a thing, let's say you're driving on the road and you just f****** see a streak of lightning cross your face, that's death. And or that was what that was to me. And shortly after that, that's when she came and told me. You know, I don't remember hearing about uh I think my grandma was in a hospital for maybe a couple of days, but I don't really know much more about that. Like there's I don't know why I don't know exactly what caused her to die. I know diabetes, high blood pressure are two things that run in my family um just because of how we ate.
Holding Space for Others and Releasing Resentment
00:22:49 Courtney Brame: And my family always would tell me, "Watch your salt, watch your sugar." And I've come to learn that it's not the salt you put on food or the sugar you put on food or the candy you eat. It's the carbohydrates that turn into sugar that you eat. And it's also the sodium in the food that or that you add to your food such as a sauce or marinade or whatever it is that you're cooking with that goes into food that gives it all that flavor. cuz like I've loved food and you know this unfortunately is something that potentially contributed to my grandmother's death. And so I yeah- I've been watching that lately, my how I eat, my diet, nutrition, and you know, I think that that's one thing that I can also take from my grandmother's life and experience. But anyways, let me get to the point because I'll start to drift off into La La Land and uh reminiscing and start crying and s***. Y'all don't need to hear all that.
00:23:58 Courtney Brame: But this is the hard thing for me to say and it's that you know my grandma my my mom issue stems from you know my grandma issue or my grandma issue stems from my mom issue of just coming into this world not feeling wanted, not feeling like I deserve to be here. Um, and going through life making an effort to prove that I deserve to be here is the point that I'm trying to make. So much of what I give to the world, what happens through me is as a result of Patricia and Johnson, y'all. and Patricia and Johnson fought for me to be here. And the one person around my birth who wanted me to be here is gone. The one person who, you know, granted me permission or who fought for me to get here, you know, like that. My grandma became a f****** soldier and fought for her grandson to get here. And at age 12, she was gone. You know, close to my 13th birthday.
00:25:37 Courtney Brame: She died. So the one person who wanted me here is not here anymore. So what does that mean to me? I shouldn't know this story, but I asked enough questions after, you know, just knowing too much information and here's where I am. Like this is what this is where I landed. Sometimes we don't need to know everything. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. And I I don't know that me knowing this really would have changed anything about me. I think that maybe the narrative that I have attached to a lot of my behaviors would be changed. But it feels to me like processing this now going into the 35th year of my life that the approval that I need can't be given to me ever to tell me that I have a right to be here, that I deserve to be here, that I belong here. And in my day-to-day life, like I'm validated very consistently at a high quantity of volume, the volume of the validation that I get of how appreciative people are from me, the the validation through the thank you messages and DMs that I get, the appreciation that I receive in those senses, the sex that I have, you know, validating that I make people feel good.
00:27:28 Courtney Brame: these things happen but the quality at which I experience them is uh it's way different um the it's very low quality high quantity low quality I would say and nobody not one soul is ever going to be able to give me the approval that I'm actually seeking which is that which is the which is that of my grandmother. No one to my knowledge has fought for me, has loved me, has approved me in the way that my grandmother could. And you know, part of that part of this can also be why I'm very drawn to the most c-word women ever. But there's a type of C word that I look for and I guess that maybe it's just that regardless of how out there or gone my grandma was, like she was very true to what she believed in. And even if what she believed in wasn't always what other people could see, I find that it's really hard for me to find people who have that unconditional acceptance of who you are.
00:28:55 Courtney Brame: She ain't f****** know me. She didn't know, you know, what I was going to turn out like, if I was going to be healthy. She ain't no s***. But she fought for me before she saw what I looked like. She loved me before she saw what I looked like. And so little or so much of compatibility and attraction is physical in the world. And I look at the relationships I have with people. And the ones that are the healthiest and the ones that I feel the happiest and strongest in are the ones where, you know, people talk to me in a certain way that it's not it's not exclusively about my appearance, how I look, you know, or it's it's, you know, being seen you as what I'm or for what I'm showing or even what I'm hiding because I I hide how big of a person I am energetically. Um, and there's that whole other podcast episode and reason for it. But I recognize that I do that in environments where I feel like people aren't able to receive that uh where it's too intense cuz I I often I'm often asked how are you and I think that people ask that with the intention of assessing whether or not I'm capable
00:30:16 Courtney Brame: of handling them telling me how they are because that's really what they want. And I know that I draw that in. And as you express yourself, you draw in a lot as well. And um I'm working on that. But more importantly, I'm very much working on just being able to accept that me being here proves that I have a right to be here. I don't need to continue to prove that I deserve to be here by being good. Always doing the right thing, always saying the right thing, doing what I'm told over what I know needs to be done because there's been a lot of that. I've been a very compliant individual throughout my life and so much of it was just hoping that, you know, I would get the reward of, I don't know, I guess my grandma's love, my grandma's approval, but she ain't here, you know? She's not physically here at least. And I I get little hints that it's okay.
00:31:35 Courtney Brame: I get little hints that I am here and that I do deserve to be here and that it's okay for me to live a life that is my own and to, you know, pursue all of the things that I want to do. I want a lot of very contradictory things. And when you don't feel like you deserve to be someplace, you also don't feel like you deserve the things that come with being there. And I recognize how I receive compliments. I used to deflect them. And I say used to, but like I've stopped over the past week and a half, two weeks, because I'm being much more conscious about that. When people give me a compliment, I now say thank you. I may give a compliment back, but I'm very much working on just receiving. And I became aware of this when I went to Sex Down South. I s*** you not, September 8th, 9th, 10th weekend, whatever of 2023 was when I first started to get comfortable with receiving.
00:32:35 Courtney Brame: And I guess it just hasn't felt like something I could do because I don't deserve anything that I do because I don't deserve to be here. Because there were at least three to four people who also believed that. But one person fought for me. So I mean the numbers, if 80% of people think you shouldn't be here, but 20% think you do, you are really going to focus on that 80%. And I think that I spent so much of my life trying to prove to my family I deserve to be here. That has developed into an explosive resentment of me leaving my family. I left and I moved away to Texas from Missouri. I left and I moved away to Portland from uh Missouri because I moved back to uh Missouri from Texas and I moved back to Portland. And this time it's not out of a resentment type thing, but I know that that has had a little bit to do with it. It's like, well, f*** y'all.
The True Perspective of Herpes Stigma
00:33:42 Courtney Brame: If y'all don't if y'all don't think I deserve to be here, if y'all don't love me, well, f*** you, right? But I'm rewriting that narrative. I'm choosing to rewrite that narrative and I'm allowing myself to accept what comes with me being here. The positive, the negative, the neutral, cuz I do belong here. And if you made it through the process of being born, you deserve to be here. Cuz that's a f****** fight. You know, I I look at this herpes s***. This herpes s*** ain't s*** in the grand scheme of things. Do you know the likelihood of being born into a body that is capable of listening to a podcast? Do you know how many factors have to go into that? And y'all stuck on just the herpes diagnosis s***. Like this is so much bigger than that. Life in general is so much bigger than this. And it's really important to me now that I want to. I'm gonna just say this and I need for my intention to speak louder and more concisely than the word choice that I'm about to use here.
00:35:03 Courtney Brame: But herpes ain't s***. It got you here to this point of being able to experience whatever stage of the healing process that you're in because it's your own healing process. The rejection that comes with it, the outbreaks that come with it, the symptoms that come with it, the stigma that comes with it, the potential suicide ideation and depression that come with it. Y'all, this ain't s*** compared to what you had to do to get here. You just don't remember because you're so caught up in all of the s*** that society and media, your communities, your family, your friends are doing. You're so sucked into that s***. I wonder when's the last time you sat with yourself in silence and actually had your own thoughts emerge for yourself for 20 minutes. And I specifically use 20 minutes because I just did that s*** recently when I was meditating I was able to get into that meditative state um shortly, you know, just recognizing what's mine versus what's everybody else's. And what everybody else's is, oh, you know, you don't deserve to be paid for what you're doing.
00:36:18 Courtney Brame: You don't deserve to ask for money. You don't deserve to get big. You don't deserve to grow. You don't deserve to have a family. You don't deserve to have as many relationships as you choose to have. You don't deserve to work as you do. You don't deserve your body. You don't deserve to be able to eat well. You don't deserve a lot of things. And those aren't my voices. Those aren't my beliefs. Those don't f****** belong to me. And this is where I say the yoga stuff has really helped me because I would never have meditated had it not been for going to yoga and the teacher training that I've experienced to more so connect with what my own thoughts and beliefs have been. You know, telling me people tell me things all the time that aren't their thoughts and beliefs. People say, "Well, I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like I don't need to be.
00:37:23 Courtney Brame: I feel like I can't have a family. I feel like I can't find love. I feel like I can't have sex." That's not even yours, man. And for so long, I have been living and acting in a way where I'm complying to beliefs and expressing behaviors that aren't mine, that aren't aligned with what my values are. You know, I have a mantra that I am here. And this I am here mantra, it directly rewrites the narrative of me feeling as if I don't deserve to be here. And I feel like I don't deserve to be here because of my grandmother being the only person who thought that I was worth, you know, being here and fighting for enough to where, you know, now she's gone. And so if the only person who believed in me, the only person who believes that I deserve to be here is now no longer here, what does that say? Like what does that mean for me? That means I don't deserve to be here.
00:38:30 Courtney Brame: I can't validate that. And so unconsciously I have lived a life of just approval seeking out the ass of connection seeking out the ass. And by out the ass for anybody there might be a language barrier for what that means is a lot. I've done a lot of approval seeking. I've done a lot of validation seeking for my acts for what I do. Like, look at me. I'm good. I'm helping people not want to kill themselves. Look at me. I'm good. I did what I showed up on time. I got good grades. I did the right thing. I did what I was supposed to do. I did what I was told to do over what I f****** know to be right and in accordance with what I believe. and saying the things that I believe are true that are true and saying and doing the things acting in accordance with what my values are and what I believe to be true 100% of the time and you know even to the point of self-sacrifice right I would say I'm good because I am sacrificing self for the betterment of other, you know, and I observe my behavior like I I think I can't f******.
00:39:58 Courtney Brame: I think that I I physically can't f****** and I shouldn't f******. I should do no wrong. I should only do the right thing. And the right thing is always subjective no matter what. But when you know that you are here, when you know your value, when you know that you know you don't need to seek the attention and approval and validation from others, from other people, and that you learn to give that to yourself, well, I think that when you see the source, I always tell people this, you know, when they say, you know, I'm triggered or I feel blank. I ask people, when's the most recent time you felt that and when's the first time you remember feeling that? And then we can flush out what the truth is in that and then choose how we want to move forward. And that's what I'm doing. I tell people all the time what, you know, they should think about doing. I'll never tell people what to do, but here are things to think about doing.
00:41:04 Courtney Brame: And I've never done that for myself until very recently. I had a friend, we're no, we're no longer friends, but I think that his role in my life was to say to me, do you even listen to your own podcast? And what that meant to me is, do you take your own advice? And I haven't. And here I am now. You know, like I said, I'm I'm this is I'm distributing my grandmother's ashes now. I'm letting go and I'm freeing her from the memories and the um the grief stored into my body. I'm freeing her from that. I'm freeing myself from that because it's held me back. You know, I've always thought that, you know, people not sharing these resources is what's holding me back or not having a relationship that, you know, nurtures my nature is holding me back. Chasing has held me back. That's not the case. It's been my inability to just let go.
Acknowledging the Body's Role in Releasing Trauma
00:42:23 Courtney Brame: And when you hold on to things that want to be expressed, that want to be let out, they creep out. They seep out aggressively in the forms of behaviors that might be harmful behaviors. It could be, you know, saying the wrong thing to someone. It could be covertly going behind people's back and maliciously trying to get something you want. It could be through drugs. It could be through sex. It could be through food. It can be through various expressions of addiction. But when you try and force holding on, that tension builds up. That tension builds up not just in your body, but in your mind, in your spirit even. And you don't want those spiritual buildups because it makes it harder for things to happen through you. And that's what this is about. As these emotions again, energy and motion move through me, I'm not resisting them passing through and leaving what they have to give because these have made me who I am.
00:43:49 Courtney Brame: And if you know my grandmother, I I this is this is very intense for me to say. So, I only cry when very inspirational things happen to me. There's this anime, Attack on Titan, and if you got to just you got to look up what it's about. But specifically, there's a scene where Captain Irwin convinces people, the soldiers, to ride to their death. Like, this is going to be the last thing they do before they die. Otherwise, they're going to die anyway, and they're going to die the same way. But it's not about dying. It's about how you go out. And I remember, man, like I I f****** get emotional thinking about it. If I'm on a stairmaster and I put the speed up as fast as I can go and I watch this, I will get through it. I won't feel myself be tired. But he says to them, he goes, "Uh, one of the soldiers was like, "So wait, we're just gonna die anyway, so I could just stay right here.
00:44:57 Courtney Brame: I can disobey your orders and it doesn't mean anything." Catherine Irwin goes, "You're right. You can." And then the guy goes, "Well, this is just uh it it doesn't change the meaning of our life." And then Captain Irwin tells him, "Well, the meaning of the people before us who got us here to this point, were their lives meaningless?" He said, "No." And then he very passionately spoke. I'm not going to do that cuz then I get too fired up and then I have to stop this podcast and get to the gym. But I'm going to watch that video again. But he was like, "No, like we give meaning to their lives through our actions now." So we are going to ride to our deaths in hope that we continue this cause that we believe in, this cause that we fight for, this cause that we are literally riding to our deaths for, that that cause moves forward and that it goes on. And he inspired these people through emotion.
00:46:09 Courtney Brame: He got them to the emotional state to the point where they agreed. They said, "f*** it. We were doing it then." But this was another demonstration of life being not about what happens to you, death, but what happens through you, the extension of life through the way that you live for those around you. those sacrifices, those soldiers who sacrificed for Levi to Captain Levi to go through and f****** the most impossible circumstances to give him a glimpse, a glimmer of hope in accomplishing what his mission was. That sacrifice led to that. And that's what I am. That's what my grandmother did. That's what my grandmother was. You know, I don't know how long she'd been schizophrenic or how long she had been dealing with the health challenges that she faced, but it was long enough for her to get me here. And who knows, maybe she was even in overtime for the 12 years that I had with her. But regardless, like she went forward and she got me here and nurtured my nature, saw potential in me.
00:47:32 Courtney Brame: And there have been very few times in life where I very much connect with people who see a thing in me that I think only she saw. I think that I tell myself I don't see this thing. Maybe because it hurts too much to look at it. And that thing that some people see and point out to me is the very thing that is the essence of what fuels Something Positive for Positive People. It's in me and in what I do. It expresses itself. When people are present with me, when I'm present with people, when I'm interviewing guests, when I'm applying for these grants, which I f****** hate, when I'm having these conversations, when I'm holding these support groups, when I'm teaching a yoga class, when I'm even at work teaching genital exams, or if I'm working as a standardized patient and I'm giving feedback to the med students, Patricia Anne Johnson created a foundation like I am happening through her as something she was happening through somebody else.
00:48:52 Courtney Brame: And now this impact, everything that led to here is allowing for whatever you listen to this podcast choose, I'm able to happen through you so that you can happen through something else, through somebody else. and the way that, you know, my grandma saw into me before even being here and unconditionally seeing me. I've had recent experiences with people. Uh I remember my friend AJ is probably no Carl. Car AJ and then Carl I would say so with AJ I remember we were talking and he said you know the first day we met he saw me I was sleeping under my desk at work. I worked at a sales uh a media sales place in uh Houston, Texas. He walked in, he said, "You saw me sleeping under the desk." He said, "This m*********** has no idea how powerful he is." Another time that I recall being seen in this way, uh there's a I I can't I can talk about Adrian. I can talk about Carl.
00:50:07 Courtney Brame: I won't talk about anybody else. But um Carl when I told him that I had herpes and what I wanted to do and he's just like, "Oh man, that's dope. Like that'll be good for you because D and he like Carl sees me. Carl saw me. And another time more recently, and I can talk about this cuz I, cuz I can. There's certain things that I just want to be respectful of uh with people and their identities. But um my friend Mike this morning texted me and I'll read this text because it really like this did something to me. He said, "Hey bro, I just wanted to tell you that you become a root in my life. I love what you're doing and the things you've accomplished. I've been blessed to see you grow and mature in this life and I appreciate you, bro, for everything. You've had a totally and significant impact on my life since college in ways I can never explain. And I want to say thank you, bro.
00:51:13 Courtney Brame: You my n**** for life, bro. And if that word like surprised y'all or gave you a visceral reaction, surprise... I'm Black. So, um, that seeing that first thing this morning really just gave me an overwhelming sense of gratitude, especially at a time where, you know, he don't know this. He don't know that. I'm weird right now around this time of year. But something in him felt called to send that message when he did. And it was at a time I needed it. And there have been a couple of other situations that happened that I would like to speak to just real quickly. And you know, I just want to wrap this up like this. This feels very much like the epitome of where life's about what happens through you, not to you, comes from. And I remember on my birthday that I talked to my grandfather who was married to my grandmother. I was so resistant to what my plans were for my birthday.
00:52:26 Courtney Brame: So my therapist said go do something for your birthday. Like go get you some food and have you a drink or whatever. So I decided to go to a Cajun restaurant and I knew what I wanted to order. I wanted the crab cakes, the voodoo shrimp, shrimp and grits and one drink. And my grandfather who lives in Philadelphia on my birthday just so happened to be in town. So he's in town. It's 2020 pandemic and everything. You got to wear a mask everywhere, but Uber's running and restaurants are trying to stay open and all of that. And he calls me. He always calls at a bad time, but this time was a good time. I answer. He said, "Hey, where you live at?" I'm in U City area. I just so happen to live in U City. So, he stops by and this is where we had that conversation where he said, "Well, your grandma fought for you." And all day I've been like just looking for an excuse not to go to this
00:53:21 Courtney Brame: uh restaurant and take myself out because again, I don't deserve to be here. So, I don't deserve to do things that I want to do. So, I'm justifying it financially like I don't need to go. I ain't got no money. This m*********** gives me $100. Just pops up, lives in Philly. what the f*** are you doing in St. Louis? Right? And happened to be where I'm at. Happened to call me when you did. Gave me $100 and I was like, well, you know, this covers everything. Like, let me go ahead and do it. So, I Uber’ed to this restaurant, Broadway Oyster Bar. I Uber’ed there and I saw the menu. I already knew what I was ordering. So, order my food. Crab cakes come out and I see him and I'm like, "Oh, there's an onion ring on this crab cake. That's weird." I cut into it.
A Lesson in Body Work and Receiving True Connection
00:54:07 Courtney Brame: The lights are weird, so it's kind of dark. And as I bite into it, I start f****** tearing up in this restaurant. I'm tearing up because I know this taste. I didn't like this taste, but I recognized what it was. My grandmother used to always make fried green tomatoes. I saw them. I remember I tried it. I didn't like it. Wasn't my thing. I like meat and I like cheese. That was what I liked when I was a kid. And f***, dude. Like I bit into this goddamn what I thought was an onion ring and I just felt this overwhelming feeling in my body. I won't assign it, you know, a feeling of good or bad, but it was just an overwhelming sense of intensity. Intensity is the best way that I can describe what I felt. It was just intense. And I had that feeling and it was like, wow, what a f****** poetic moment.
00:55:05 Courtney Brame: of full circle, you know, being weird around my birthday. And then my grandmother, you know, her one of the things that I know that she always made fried green tomatoes is on this dish. And I had no f****** idea. I looked at the menu before I got there, didn't see that, but I looked at the menu that was sitting on the table and it showed fried green tomato uh on a crab cake or whatever. And I just smiled, you know, yeah, I was fighting back crying, but I smiled and this was just a beautiful moment for me. Um, so that was one thing. And then last year, uh, 2022 Halloween, I went to a Halloween party and it wasn't exactly Halloween. It was just like the Saturday night before I was dressed up and I was out and I was like, "All right, I'm going to head home." And as I'm closing out, uh I might have told this story recently. Um it wouldn't be on here actually.
00:56:06 Courtney Brame: It would have been on self my other my other podcast where I just like talked my self-help s***. But uh damn, dude. This lady was a Black lady. She looked at me and she said, "Are you a believer?" I was like, "Depends on what?" Like I'm, I'm using humor to deflect. I was like, "I don't know. depends on what I'm believing in. She's like, "Well, do you believe people here are for you or against you?" I was like, "Well, s***, if something happened, I would hope that they'd be for me, but I don't have any reason to think people are against me." She goes, "Oh, okay. Um, what uh, what brought you to Portland?" I was like, "I run a nonprofit. I got a grant and yeah, I got here and just did that. I had to be a resident in order to get it." And she looked into my f******
00:56:55 Courtney Brame: soul and she was like, "So, uh," she was like, "You don't have any emotional attachment. So, why are you here? Like, why are you still here?" And I feel like she brought something peripherally into my forefront and I just couldn't unsee it. And so, like, since then, you know, this really influenced my decision to leave Portland, which I did, and then I came right back. Um, but we were going to talk more cuz she said that and I was like, "Damn, why you do me? Why did you do that to me?" And her husband had called her over. He's a tall white dude and um I don't think he liked that she and I were talking. So, they never popped up over uh to where I was waiting. So, I was like, "All right, well, I'm going to get up out of here." And I was packing my stuff to go catch my bus because I had it timed out to where I would be able to catch this next bus.
00:57:49 Courtney Brame: And for whatever reason, it just didn't show up. So, I'm sitting down on a bench by the bathroom and the lady comes back. She's going to the bathroom. She sees me and redirects, comes over, sits down, and just f****** stares into my eyes. I love eye contact, but this lady's eye contact was f****** intense. And so, I'm like, I ain't no b****. So, I'm matching her with eye contact. I'm just looking her in her eyes. And then I got uncomfortable and she said she put her uh her hand on my arm and she said your journey is not an easy one. In fact, it's not even she said “path”- “your path is not an easy one. In fact, it's not even a path at all. I share the weight” and my dumb ass I went “water weight?”. Haha. And she just put her hand on my shoulder and then she walked away.
00:58:45 Courtney Brame: Biggest mind f*** ever because it's like, "What do you know? What do you see? Give me something." And I would I will never forget this lady. I would never forget this conversation. I don't know what she looks like. It was Halloween. She had like a a thing on her face. But this was one of those moments where I was like, "Oh, like maybe this is my like around my birthday, right? my grandmother, you know, speaking through this lady or something. I don't know. But it was it was a you're special. It was a you deserve to be here. It was a it was one of those moments. And this year, this past Halloween weekend, I had a very similar experience to that. and I won't say her name cuz I I don't, you know, know what the connection is going to be, but um I know that I'm very much enjoying it and I want to be protective of this person's identity as well.
00:59:43 Courtney Brame: But I went out and I guess to tie in some herpes stuff here. I went out for Halloween weekend and I was Jax from Mortal Kombat. I had a shawl on that was gray that showed from the front, you know, I look… I looked like Jax from Mortal Kombat. From the back, I looked like I was a dude, a gay dude at a Beyonce concert. I will give- I will give her this. But she stops me and my friend and she goes, "Oh, you two beautiful Black men, blah, blah, blah." And she had an accent. I don't want to mock her accent cuz I'm terrible at it, but I recognized it was an accent. I didn't know where it was from. She uh was like she's caramel-ish colored Caribbean island. This is what I was like not thinking at the time because I didn't even know she had something over her face too. I didn't know what she looked like. So she's like, "I want to introduce you to someone and she took me over to her friend." And it was it was
01:00:35 Courtney Brame: this like really attractive, like fit white dude and we're talking for a few seconds… for like a minute just conversationally and I was like oh she thinks I'm gay or at least bi and so the dude just flat out asked. She was like “oh, so are you into men?” I was like “oh man, no I'm sorry I'm not. Like I'm into women”. And uh we ended up like carrying on a conversation because uh uh I don't know how but oh I do remember. So he actually caught up to me later and was like “man, I really appreciate how you turned me down like a…. not like there was a very like mature” uh I don't think he used the word mature but he was very just like apparently maybe got turned down in bad ways. And so, um, talking to him, uh, we were talking about connecting with men and him. I'm gonna have him on the podcast actually. So, he is a naturopath.
01:01:34 Courtney Brame: He's in a naturopath school. Um, and we're going to just talk a little bit about how we met and uh, his experience with um, what did he say? Herpes Oscar. Uh, whichever the thing is that you get mono or strep throat a lot. I forget which one. I always mix mono and strep up. But, uh, we're going to do a podcast. So, I'll talk to him and we'll share that story. But, um, we were talking about how in his experience connecting with other gay men, it's always like really sexual, but in connecting with straight men, all we think we we think all gay dudes want to f*** us. I was like, "Oh, that's whack." Like, that ain't I'm comfortable in my sexuality. Like, we good. Like, if you want to be friends, we can be here…. Let's exchange numbers. So, I got his number and um we ended up talking later.
01:02:18 Courtney Brame: Uh that was how I learned about his experience with herpes zoster um and sharing about my nonprofit and everything. So I guess this lady, she sees me and him interacting. She knows I'm straight at this point and she says something to me. She grabs my hands very sensually. She's like, "Um, oh you you're very like you you're very powerful." And I was like, "Oh s***." Like ain't nobody told me that since AJ, what what you mean? Well, no, actually I'm lying. I can't say I won't say who else has told me that. It's happened a handful of times since August. Let me say that. So, a handful of times since August, I've been called powerful. All right. I just won't go into the details of those particular interactions. But she says at this time and she I can tell you are very like you're very kind and you are very um like you just got really good energy.
01:03:18 Courtney Brame: I was like oo these are compliments I live for. Now mind you I've been getting complimented all night. Like a n**** been trimming up, losing weight. You know what I'm saying? And you know I'm just yeah just watching my sodium. I look good. Just for the record, I'm down to like 226 pounds. I was 250. I couldn't get out of the 250s for a long time. But I just learned a few things about food since then. So, we'll just leave it at that. So, I'm getting physical compliments all night. Like, uh especially outside the line of the bathroom. That's always a thing. Always. But anyway, um she invites me to come hang out with them. Uh there were five of us in total to go to this house. And we go to this big ass, nice ass house, hot tub and everything.
01:04:01 Courtney Brame: I think they try and get me f***** up. So I f*** somebody like that. She know like she trying to get me to f*** these dudes. No, I ain't doing that. So I let people know where I was and all of that. And um again, like I'm openly just talking about what I do for my nonprofit and everything. And I didn't notice, but this lady was cold. She took the mask off. She was bad. And I found out where she's from. From South America. Let's just say that. Okay. So, costume’s coming off. We're all just chatting. We end up uh going into the hot tub and uh chilling in the hot tub and like there are these very super f****** like just dope ass conversations that I like to live for. I'll go somewhere where the music's loud as s*** and I'll hit my little twostep all night until the music goes off and it's time to go home.
01:04:49 Courtney Brame: But I f****** live for hard questions being answered. Um, and I ain't got to go into details of what the conversations were, but these were very intimate moments. It felt like intimacy to me. It felt like that feeling that I've looked for so much through sex. Don't get me wrong, I don't always have to have that feeling through sex. It's just I know that when you have that and sex, it's amazing. So, uh, I spent a lot of time with these people and then like 5:00 a.m. rolled around. Um, and it was time to head home. So, um, we went back to her place and she lets me know that she also has HSV. Um, and we're not, we're not sexual. That this is a very key component. I want to illustrate and I want to key in on this. I have not had sex with this lady. I've seen her three times since then and we've not… three...
01:05:44 Courtney Brame: One, two, three. Yes. I've seen her three times since then. We've not had sex. It has just been a very f****** intimate, loving, and just connected feeling of me being seen because I did want to know more from her. Like, what makes you say that? And it's been a very healing sort of relationship dynamic that very much feels like I guess what I've been looking for through my grandma. This is such a weird f****** thing to say cuz don't get me wrong, she is beautiful. She arouses me, but I don't have a desire to have sex with her. This is really f****** strange. And I'm wondering if this is like my grandma's energy pouring into her or something. You know what I mean? Like I know how wild that s*** sound. Don't get me wrong. I know how wild that sounds. Here I am. I got this South American thick ass, beautiful ass, successful ass woman and I won't have sex with her.
01:06:51 Courtney Brame: I'm about to say like, I might not- I won't, I know that I won't I know that I won't I know that um cuz we've had a conversation about like relationship expectations and intentions and they don't align. Um, but she said some things to me that I want to share here. And you know, I think that this brings my whole scattering of my grandma's ashes across the digital world, right? Uh, to a full circle. Um, this woman who called me powerful, said I have good energy, who didn't know s*** about me. I don't know how close she was, but it's a loud place. No way she heard me talking to this dude. Maybe he dropped a nugget in her ear or something. But we just spoke for a while and I remember just very key things that she said and that validated, you know, who I am as a person, you know, as somebody who I'm very present. Like her titties were out in the hot tub.
01:07:49 Courtney Brame: These m************ was nice, y'all. I ain't going to lie. But as she's talking, I'm like looking her in her eyes. Like I know that I know that titties are there, but I ain't thirsty for that. Like I'm thirsty for this like intimacy, this soul energetic connection that we're having. I'm here for this. Okay. And so, um, the time that we spent together, like we made out and everything, but it's like I don't think it's there. I just don't know. I'm not feeling like it's there. It feels like something that I need to be able to put words to because culturally she's already expressed like this men lead the women serve in her culture. So I've recognized that this is good because it's like safe for me to lead and just be the gentleman that I am and not have to worry about you screaming at me. You're not a feminist.
01:08:42 Courtney Brame: You ah you you objectify women. But no, she love that s***. So anyway, speaking back to the energy in motion. So she also… she's got a lot of things that she's accomplished and done, but she's also a naturopath. She's studying natural naturopathy naturopath s***, whatever whatever that is, she's into that. But also body healing. And this is important because I've made an intention shift with my relationships to have more intimacy and go deeper into the existing relationships that I have and invite in only that which is much more intimate. Uh not in a sexual way exclusively but like intimacy. She says it she says into me I see. When she speaks to intimacy like this is what intimacy is. And so she is like a body healer or worker. And I was like, "Damn, I need to find somebody who does body work because I really want to get like- I want to understand like this whole trauma stored in the body thing." Just so f******
01:09:52 Courtney Brame: happens that that's what this lady she's attuned to it. So, she gives me a f****** massage and I don't know what it was or where this came from, but she touches my foot in a certain way and like puts her knuckles into it and is moving the fascia in my foot that I had no f****** idea existed. And I like, I scream. I'm like, "Yo, what the f*** is this?" I'm cussing a lot. What is this? She's like, "Oh, like the nerves in your foot are connected to the nerves in your lower back." And she explains to me that that energetically means not feeling like you have support. You don't feel supported. And I started to have an emotional response. I was like, "All right, you need to go." I ain't telling her she needed to go, but I was like, "Hey, uh, yeah, let's come back to this. Like, we let's stop.
01:10:49 Courtney Brame: Let's stop." But that was so huge to me. And she left and I remember I checked in with her. I was like, "Hey, you know, you've done a lot for me like with this awareness that you're bringing me, the massages, the body work and all of that and like being a space for me to emotionally express myself like what are you getting from me? Like how can I support you? This lady done gave me business advice that I'mma take. I am actually taking her f****** business advice." and she said, "You are a man, especially a Black man, who is emotionally intelligent and able to also communicate. Being in your presence is really healing for me, and that's what I want." And it just had I not gone to that Sex Down South uh conference, I would not have been able to receive that. I'd have been so uncomfortable. how to self-sabotage and how to f*** that up some kind of way.
Letting Go and Wrapping Up
01:11:50 Courtney Brame: Like I would have felt like I owed her some dick. That's what it would have been. Oh, like you're being nice to me. I need to f*** you in order to pay for your kindness. That was a thought process. Like people say that they want men to open up and like to share what we really think. And I don't think a lot of people are really ready to receive that. Like this was a genuine thought. It was, "Oh, she's nice to me. I owe her some dick." But the healing of sex down south was something that I I had to realize like people do just want to give something to me. And I give to people all the time who are takers or are able to receive. And here I am right now in this time in space. Someone just wants to give to me because I'm me. And it was communicated that way.
01:12:41 Courtney Brame: You are who you are and that's healing for me. Let me give to you. That is very synonymous to what I now in hindsight believe what my grandmother gave me. That's why I'm so drawn to this woman. That's why I don't want to have sex with this woman. Wow. I just processed that. Thank you all for being here and listening, but this was something that I just processed because I could not figure out why I didn't want to have sex with this woman. And like she's not been pushy to have sex with me. Um, it's very intimate. It's very sensual. And it's very like I've been touch deprived. Like I don't receive, I thought that I was like not having as much sex as I wanted. But the reality is I think that I've just been a little bit touch deprived. And I also don't want to ask for it.
01:13:33 Courtney Brame: That's a whole that's another conversation. I don't want to ask people to just touch me. And f****** COVID contributed to that. I can definitely say for sure. But I bring all of this back full circle with like this woman expressing to me that my presence as a she saw me for more than just what my physical was. And she even said that she's like, "Yeah, you know, like you and I, we're both like very beautiful people. People see the physical and like that's what they want. They want to make it theirs. But there's so much more to us. Like the healer in me, the person in me that deserves to be um monetarily compensated for what I'm doing. She said, she made this powerful ass point. We went to dinner last night and she said, "You know, it's therapists who, you know, will charge somebody $150 an hour for the thing that you do and will value the money that they spend on that and say, "Oh, this is better and pay for that, but will let have less value on what I'm offering and get more out of for free simply because it's free." And I just my f******
01:14:52 Courtney Brame: head exploded a little bit, y'all. And I if nothing else, if she only came into my life to tell me you are healing me just with your presence and give me like that grandma healing that I needed and to give me this business advice, like I'm I'm complete with that. I feel good about that. And also get that like these knots out of my feet because man, I had no idea that they were there. And what I want to tell you know people spec es especially men man if we don't feel our feelings if we don't express our feelings regardless of who you express it to or where you express it if you don't feel like you can do that in your relationship all right I get it journal tell a friend do something but let these emotions move from you and also get some type of like body work done cuz she also identified these knots in my like neck and my shoulder that need to be physically moved out.
01:15:52 Courtney Brame: And again, touch deprived, right? I am touch deprived in areas where trauma stores itself. the trauma of emotional withholding and the when she did my foot, you know, it triggered the sensation that it did and it was so intense and it hurt and it was painful. But it was connected to my lower back which is symbolic to not being supported and me feeling like I got to do everything on my own and not having support and I don't ask for help and I can't ask for help and people won't help me. That's emotion. So just because we choose not to be emotional doesn't make us not emotional and it doesn't mean that we don't have emotions. What it actually means is that that s*** needs to be moved. We need to clear the space for our emotions to be able to move through us. Cuz I mean I don't know what these knots in my shoulder necessarily mean. I know that the one in my foot made me f****** yell and go into a rage.
01:16:49 Courtney Brame: And that might be the emotion cuz my mom said, "Yeah, you're very angry." My mom always says that. She's like, "You got a lot of anger." And I felt a release of that anger as this lady was f****** moving that fascia in my feet connected to my back. So I have anger about feeling like I'm not supported. I have anger about feeling like I can't ask people for things or like I can't rely on people or depend on people, you know? And sometimes maybe that anger comes out in or as sexual frustration and someone has a really good time with me, but you know that's not that's not how that's not how I always want to use my anger. Um, and so yeah, like some of that was moved and now I'm aware of it and now I can bring awareness to it and give myself grace and have reverence for these parts of myself, the whole that is me. W H O L E. And um yeah, I want to say y'all get some body work done and let that be something that supports you with your emotional well-being because that is so important, y'all.
01:17:58 Courtney Brame: It's important. We got to take care of ourselves. Women know this. A lot of men don't know this. All right. I feel I feel very complete with this and I thank y'all. This is the longest single podcast episode that I've ever done to this point and it was very necessary and I think that this is um this is this is healing. This is healing for me. Um I hope that this is healing for somebody else. But you know I know my worth. I know my value. I know that I deserve to be here. I am here. In fact, I will say that I am here and life is about what happens through you, not to you. And I just, I appreciate and I want to just make this my tribute to Patricia Ann Johnson. That's what this is. This is my tribute to my grandmother.
01:18:55 Courtney Brame: Thank you for fighting for me. I want to say, you know, thank you for what you had to endure to get to the place that you got to. And to instill your imprint onto me, you know, for being who you are and giving me that reverence and that grace for mental health before I even knew what mental health and mental health conditions were, right? I have so much more grace and presence and reverence with people who struggle with their mental health. And you know perhaps you know her our interactions are what also made me you know be able to hold that kind of space and have that capacity. Um I'm not resentful at least not as much towards my mom's parents who are still alive. Uh I love them. I love my mom. I love my family. You know, it's just um I needed to get away and go away in order to learn and realize what I've come to learn and realize.
01:20:10 Courtney Brame: And this is where we are. This is where I'm at. Yeah. Life is now officially happening through me and not to me. And I'm grateful to all of the people that I mention in this podcast for being sort of um lighthouses for me and guiding me into the direction of this conclusion. And you know a lot of people don't get the opportunity to do this kind of selfwork and self-reflection in their life and have the privilege of healing in such a way. And here I am sitting in this chair in my room in Portland, Oregon that I left for three months and was able to come back to for the same amount in rent. Like there's so much gratitude in me right now. And to have the experience of all of the gratitude that I've been experiencing lately is f****** tremendous. And the love that I'm surrounded by y'all. And you know, there there's people that I want to thank that I don't think that I can, you know, thank right now.
01:21:19 Courtney Brame: But at some point, I believe in the future, you know, you'll get to hear about these people. Um, yeah, this again, this wasn't really about herpes. This was more about moving emotions. And, you know, yeah, I found I found my worth and I don't know that I need to continue to seek it through this. Don't give me I'm not stepping away from something positive for positive people. This is me again. I'm surrendering and letting go of the emotions that I've held on to um regarding my birthday. Um and this is important because it is going to energetically influence me as I continue to run this nonprofit, interview people, have a podcast and the one-on-one calls and everything I do outside of here. I really feel significantly lighter. And you know, with all of the holding on of emotions in my body, you know, I think that we can numb out and get used to the feeling of carrying a lot of emotional weight that just doesn't serve us anymore.
01:22:28 Courtney Brame: Like we get the strength from it, from carrying it, but we can't exercise that strength until we let it go and rest. So this is me letting go and resting from the last 22 years of my life. Holding on to these emotions and this grief that I haven't been able to let go of. So, I thank y'all for, you know, being responsible for and being present with me as I had some of these realizations and being present here to just hear me. You know, this feels like an appropriate place for me to honor my grandmother and it feels like an appropriate space for me to honor myself and all that is to come as I move forward in life. Thank y'all. Um yeah, take that survey if you haven't already. spfpp.org/survey. Um the conference May 23rd, 2024. Uh, I really look forward to how Something Positive for Positive People looks now with this version of myself that is healed and surrendered or I'm going to be having the same goddamn conversation a year from now around the time that I do a podcast. But we never know, man. I don't know. We just don't know. But I think that that's really where uh now that I see the source of my passion and this infinity of emotionally holding the capacity for others and serving in the way that I do. I think that um I got a lot of really good um skills and tools and validation that I needed that I had been seeking in the wrong places. But now I know that I I as I am, I'm enough. I deserve to be here. So take from whatever you take whatever you can from this. I'm going to go ahead and upload this podcast episode right away. I'll uh get some interviews up and we'll get back into our consistent schedule. But it just feels right for me to release this now. So I'm going to go ahead and do that, y'all. All right. Till next time.
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