SPFPP 317: What You Have is What You Want
Here's a solo episode where I openly explore learning out loud about what it means to be intentional and my own insecurities. Have you ever met someone like you but on the next level of that? I mean, you're ready for that, but aware enough to use words and identify what insecurities may be bubbling up to the surface around reciprocating. I talk about an experience here where... I met myself through someone and got to see those insecurities come up as pressure. Pressure is something that tends to conflict with presence. Pressure will pull you into past experiences causing a reaction in the now that don't work and imagined outcomes you can perform for that aren't fitting to the present moment. That's probably something to go more into in next week's episode. Anyways, take inventory on what you have and who you have it with and where you get it from. What you'll find is that you're practicing having those things and getting better at accepting them. If you actively choose what's NOT that, then you'll make space for different. I try to explain this here so hopefully it comes across in my rambling. Think of this episode as a herpes self-help podcast episode.
Episode 317 Transcript
Ep.317 - Transcript
00:00:00
Courtney Brame: Welcome. Oh, that was terrible. Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People, y'all. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that serves as the leading hub of sexual health communications resources for people navigating herpes stigma. Uh, in addition to just guiding people through discussing their herpes status, notice I said discussing and not disclosing because it's a conversation, a conversation that unfortunately we're not taught to have before we're sexually active. And oftentimes, you know, people are having that conversation way after they've already had sex with a person. Um, outside of do I need to wear a condom? Are you on birth control and do you have anything or are you clean? Right? But there's so much more to that conversation and you know the value of this organization, this podcast is really seeing the aftermath of experiences that we just don't really get to hear from. A person tests positive for an STI, these are the things that they go through.
00:01:39
Courtney Brame: Not to say that it can be uh an eliminated risk if you initiate and have this conversation. However, I think that it does mitigate it significantly. Uh because there are people who are uncomfortable with this conversation. There's people who don't like to have this conversation. And in my experience and what I find from other people is that if this conversation is a turnoff to somebody, if talking to them about their sexual health status and yours uh and asking someone to get tested, they're not going to be someone that you really want to be sexually active with. uh regardless of how attracted to him you are. And I mean I would say this all the time, you know, people who are really attracted to you don't care about your herpes status. And in a lot of cases, um I think that opening up and talking about your herpes status to a potential partner will tell you that pretty quickly. Or is that person meeting you with gratitude?
00:02:39
Courtney Brame: Are they meeting you with curiosity? Are they meeting you with uh just yo all right well let's figure this out together or are they resistant are there barriers coming up do they become distant right these are all things that can happen but if these are happening with somebody that you are opening up emotionally to and sharing you know this vulnerable thing with why do you think that this isn't the same thing that happened after you open up to them physically and give them your body or you give them your body or y'all exchange body touch and fluids, right? So, a lot of this is really just dissolving people's internalized stigma and the barriers to vulnerability and connection. uh as someone who has really shifted my intention from exclusively sexual interactions or sex partners. Let me say that I like exclusively sex partners to um seek more intimacy in my life. I've recognized that I turn the floodgates open and I'm having to say no a lot more often than I'm used to.
00:04:04
Courtney Brame: And let me tell y'all, it is really uncomfortable to reject people, to say no to someone who wants to give you something that you definitely want, but that might not be for you. And I see people all the time, you know, I tell people and I do a lot of talking to individuals and, you know, I think I need to broadcast that more or showcase that more. Um, but a lot of what I tell people is that what you're doing is what you want. What you have is what you want. What you're doing is what you're practicing. and what you're practicing is what you are continuing to keep and welcome in. So I'll use myself as an example. Um, I have been non-monogamous since my relationship in 2019 ended. Uh and so I've not really I didn't dive into what my nonmonogamy was uh identifying a label. I find that the best relationships that I've had with people have been unlabeled.
00:05:12
Courtney Brame: You know, they've had this freedom to them. And here's where a conflict comes in because uh if you listen to any men's content, it always says, "Oh, men need to lead. Don't listen to a man who's like to go with the flow." You know, if he doesn't define what it is and tell you what the plan is, all that b*******. Uh I don't want to call it b******* because that does work for the general population. But I had to realize I'm a special ass n****. I'm going to be real with y'all. Like I'm not the kind of person who like I don't value making a s*** ton of money, being on boats, having nice cars. Like I want to be comfortable when I dress. I like the color gray. Most my s*** is gray. I got a great book bag. I got a great jump uh what's that thing called? I don't know. It's like the drawstring.
00:05:59
Courtney Brame: I'm sorry. Drawstring backpack. I got great shoes. Most of my shoes great. I got a great pair of boots. A great pair of casual shoes, a great pair of tennis shoes. All my… like, I just like the color gray. My logo is gray, right? So, my sheets gray. Hold on. I might have a problem. Actually, my sheets gray. My comforter gray. I got a blanket that's gray. My … what are the curtains called? The black light. The things that block the sunlight. They're gray. I had a gray laptop, but well, oh god, it was silver. But yeah, anyway, that was gray. One of my favorite sex toys is gray. Well, silver. Wow. Yeah, I'm I'm I'm a gray. I'm a gray.
00:06:46
Courtney Brame: I like gray. That's it. I just like the color gray, right? But uh I don't have a car. I technically ain't got a job either, but anyways, like I I do these things and I I have very like nurturing and fulfilling relationships with people and also have great uh sex with people and I have great intimacy with people and the information on the internet can very much make you uh feel as if you need to be doing certain things or be a certain way in order to be loved. And just because it's what the general population sees and adheres to, that doesn't mean that you going against that is going to be a bad thing. And you know, again, speaking from my experience, I need to wrap that part up before I move on. I'm so glad I remember, but um like I said, I've been practicing nonmonogamy for the last almost 5 years. Yeah, it'll let me see 2019 December was when that relationship ended.
00:07:55
Courtney Brame: So yeah, it's going on four years. I'm going into my fifth year of being just non- monogamous. And that feels like enough of an encompassing term. uh or it felt like that until I looked up and you know here we are four years into that and there's people that I've seen and really deepened connections with and got really vulnerable with like you know hang out with their families and their kids and uh spend time with them and and these are people who I wouldn't just say you oh yeah we f****** right like I sat down and I made a list. I made a list of all the partners that I have had or have right… And I looked up and was just like, "Huh, I think what I'm doing is polyamory." Like, I'm maintaining multiple relationships, right? And in looking at that and looking at where I'm at, I found myself uh very recently, you know, touchdeprived. I don't have partners in Portland.
00:09:00
Courtney Brame: I had someone um who there was a very like nonsexual relationship with that was very like sensual and and loving and caring and then you know somebody um I like one had a one time thing with I don't know that it's going to happen again cuz if we don't you know I'm about to be traveling for about two week two months actually. So I think that's going to go away and I'm not on dating apps. uh deleted my dating apps. Uh man, I hate that harassment situation really it really messed with me. I realized that now. But another story. Um I looked up and it was just that I had these ongoing relationships, right? And I caught myself just really complaining that I'm touch deprived or that I'm not having as much sex that I want to be having. And I wondered and challenged myself with this uh belief that maybe what I have is actually what I want. So I've got, you know, multiple existing long distance partners.
00:10:12
Courtney Brame: All of them are inconvenient. Like it's inconvenient to have to, you know, make the plans ahead of time, fly or host, you know, for a duration of time. Like none of my relationships are convenient. But I also recognize I'm not somebody who values convenience. Like I don't really want easy. And I've also recognized that in my long-distance relationships. My longest relationships have been long distance, including some of the ones that I have now. Right? And these are very caring and loving and they're healthy relationships. Um, I don't think that there's any that are just purely sexual, which is cool. Um, because even if I say I want that, if I don't have it, I'm not validating, you know, that this is the kind of relationship that I want. And granted, I don't think I've really had anything that was just purely sexual, like, "Hey, I'm calling you to only come over here and do this thing." Something about that actually sounds kind of
00:11:17
Courtney Brame: hot. Um um yeah, now I'm curious about that. However, the um point that I was trying to make is that like what you're doing, what you have is what you want. All right? So if you say that you want to be married and you want to have kids and you want to create a family and that this is the kind of lifestyle that you want, you have to say no to what's not that. And you have to tell people to be intentional. I want to share what my idea of being intentional is. Intentionality is saying no more than you say yes. And I'm finding myself like I'm catching fire. Uh I talk about these like sparks. Like if you've got a lighter in your hand and you're trying to light it and it's sparking, it's the only reason it's sparking is because maybe it's a little bit wet or maybe um it's not getting the the little straw thing in there is not picking up the gas like it's supposed to, right?
00:12:19
Courtney Brame: The lighter fluid. And that's me. I'm just and I feel like I got a little bit of a flame, you know, recently because of how often I've been saying no. I have been turning down uh people who through the nonprofit who reach out and they're just like, "Hey, can I I just want to talk uh I need somebody to vent to." I'm like, "All right, well, send me proof of a donation." Like, "Oh, okay. I'll do it when I get home and then I'll hear from him again." Right? And I'm recognizing just the quality and the value of my energy that has been leaking from me or taken from me, you know, through this organization. And also in doing that, I've recognized how it's happened in my personal life. You know, I see, you know, people hit me up and just kind of vent and even ask me, "How are you?" And I've gone through this phase of being honest with people when they ask me how I am and saying, "Yo, you know, this was a hard thing that I had to deal with and here's where I am with it." And then they'll shift
00:13:32
Courtney Brame: and talk about themselves and not addressing that. Like I've projected that onto somebody and you know I feel bad for doing that. Um and we've talked about it but you know she was like yeah I feel like that was a projection. I was like, "Damn, you know what? You're right. I guess it was in an attempt to make myself relatable or to relate to the story or conversation that we were having." All I ended up doing was just projecting that um whole like, "Oh, when people ask you how you are and and talking about it like that, not using I me language." So, um, I've been saying no to that more. Not necessarily in an avoidant way, but just like I I'm I'm voicing that s***, you know, and the more that I do that, I think that some healing happens. Now, I mentioned what I meant by intentionality, which is saying no more than you say yes. And now what I mean by um healing is I'm patching up those spots where my energy was leaking and I was being taken from.
00:14:41
Courtney Brame: You know, think about siphoning gas. You know, you chilling, you doing your thing, and you know, somebody is just siphoning the life out of you. You're going to burn the gas regardless. And you know, it's important for you to refill whenever, but you know, people who siphon gas take a lot in a very short period of time. And they don't, you know, you might not realize it until you start to drive your car and you're not getting as far as you want to get. So, intentionality, saying no more than you saying yes. And then what healing is is just like looking at those weak spots, I would say, and patching them s**** up or making them stronger. And for me, that's one of them. When people ask me, "How are you?" and you know, suck the sort of value out of me. Like, I'm not a high value man in the sense of making six figures, uh, over 6 feet tall, uh, over 6 in, uh, sixpack, and what's the other one?
00:15:37
Courtney Brame: Six figures, 6 in, six-pack, and six over six feet tall. Like, I'm I'm Yeah, I got some of that, but not all of it, definitely. Um, and like I, I raised $93 last month, y'all. And I think October was probably where I put the most of my time into Something Positive for Positive People. I made $93. And yeah, I recognized and it's because I wasn't being intentional. I was saying yes to everything. Saying yes way more than I say no. And you know, the more you say no, the more it increases the value of your yes. You can't just be out here saying yes to every goddamn thing. And this is what Courtney has learned. Um, and as I've been practicing that and saying no to what's not for me is like saying no to dating apps. Dating apps are a great place to meet people, have a great connection, maybe you'll um have the kind of relationship that you put yourself out there for.
00:16:38
Courtney Brame: Yay. However, for me, what I'm finding is that, you know, in that atmosphere, all I'm doing is getting better at dating. I don't want to date. I want to have relationships. And I find that when I meet people in person or through my day-to-day life, it's sort of like you skip that dating phase. I don't want to practice and get better at dating because so much of that is you have to protect yourself emotionally from the potential emotional abuse of being ghosted, of having somebody waste your time, of having to compete with other people who are in that realm of people that they're dating. Like, no, that ain't that ain't how I do things. And for a while, um, I was really pushing myself into the dating app thing in a variety of ways. Just being intentional, say, "Hey, this is what I want." And it felt transactional to me. And in the spirit of transparency, you know, that's not the kind of sex I want to have.
00:17:43
Courtney Brame: I want to have transactional sex. I can pay for that. If I'm on dating apps, I'm paying for the dating apps. I'm paying for the dates. And, you know, it might happen, it might not happen. I might get the thing that I asked for, the relationship that I want, or I just might be wasting my time. And I'm not uh off of dating apps to avoid that. I'm off of dating apps in order to be more intentional about the connections that I have. So, I'm saying no to dating apps, which are dating, you know, and saying yes to more like relationships or getting my needs met uh things. So, um yeah, those are off the table for me. And this is I'm speaking from this experience for the sake of expressing what it means to be intentional. You know, a lot of people a lot of y'all having sex with people y'all don't even want to be having sex with.
00:18:34
Courtney Brame: A lot of people y'all in relationships with people you don't even like. A lot of y'all like and and I'm I'm saying this because I know like I've talked to enough of y'all to know that this is where y'all are. And some people are also single under the guise of being happy. Like yeah, being single is cool. I get to do whatever I want. Like I mentioned in my last podcast episode I mentioned, you know, the woman who was from South America, right? And uh that that relationship didn't work out. And if anybody was wondering, it um it was one week. It was very pleasant. Um and you know, I didn't realize it. We talked um a couple of days ago and got this closure and the conversation, the way that it started, I even felt like it was a breakup, but we weren't in a relationship, right? But there was an intensity to it. There was an intensity to it that was matched that was unlike anything else that I had ever experienced.
00:19:33
Courtney Brame: It was emotionally and energetically matched. I really genuinely got to experience what it was like to be in the presence of someone who was emotionally available and who was also ready to just pour into me. In fact, that's what she did. She was emotionally available. She poured into me and I have I mean I I had things in place that put a two-month-ish barrier between us to where we just weren't able to connect even more. And you know, I feel like I broke this lady's heart and it wasn't like an intentional thing and as far as being mutual, like I I tried to cry and grieve about it, but I don't know what it was. There's like a barrier there for me and I don't know what that is. And she told me, she was like, "Yo, I don't think you're ready." And I think that me not being ready, uh, I made it about one thing, but it wasn't about that. It was about something else.
00:20:33
Courtney Brame: Like I made it about, oh, I'm hearing that I'm not ready because I'm dating all these people and I'm quote playing games under the guise of non- monogamy and when I get done doing that, like you'll that you'll uh then I can holler at you, right? But what she was saying was like I get because of the feeling like there it is so rare to speak to somebody so transparently and in an unprocessed way be able to have an emotionally charged exchange. So the emotionally charged exchange was yo I don't think you ready. What I should have realized was, "Oh, I think you mean that because you're having this intense reaction and response to something that I also recognize as being intense, which is, you know, that this relationship's ending." and I'm able to recognize these feelings, but the block might have just been the fact that I didn't see it the same way that she saw or experienced it in the way that she did. Um, and I'm somebody who is very present and intuitive and I see people and being seen like it is what y'all get from me?
00:22:02
Courtney Brame: That s*** is intense and it feels f****** amazing. But I recognize now how it can be intimidating. I recognize the pressure that comes that I put onto people when I'm so present with them. Whether it be in a podcast interview, whether it be in a a phone call, whether it be um if I'm just listening to you via DMs, uh even in sex, like I'm a intense ass m***********. And even during those moments that I just spoke of, I recognize how my intensity and my presence can bring pressure to the service to where a person feels like they are unable to reciprocate that. And it's intimidating. It can and does become intimidating because even with her like I caught myself feeling intimidated and insecure and I was like hey you know uh like you're doing a lot for me in terms of seeing me and allowing me this space to to be emotionally expressive because I'm I'm not and one one thing that I've learned is that you know you in opening up and being emotionally available just like how I said with the how are you thing when people ask me how you are I tell them and then they kind of make it about them or we never really close out the thing that I wanted to talk about and if it's under the guise of advice like hey I need advice here's the thing I'm always able to get that but like it's like me an emotionally aware intelligent and available man
00:23:38
Courtney Brame: venting people don't know how to receive that and so like why would I give it to you I can keep that s*** to myself and get the same reaction action uh and get a better reaction than what you giving me. So she was somebody who was genuinely able to receive that. She was really able to feel that and I felt that she was able to feel that and that she received that. Um, and I caught in myself the insecurity of because, you know, this wasn't a sexual relationship. I didn't know how to pay her back. You know, I'm like, damn, you listen to me. You see me. Can I offer you some dick? Cuz like I said, like I don't I don't do I don't make a lot of money. I don't have a lot of tangible things to offer. And I caught myself really feeling that and feeling that, you know, like I'm taking a bus to come see your ass.
00:24:41
Courtney Brame: I'm uh like I can buy our food when we go out and we go out to eat or whatever, but also I'm eating well, so I can't do that all the time. And these were just the insecurities that sparked up within me. You know, I've got this great woman who is emotionally available, f****** beautiful, very doing very very well for herself. And you know, when I asked her, I was like, "Yo, what do you… what am I doing for you?" And I think I said this too in my podcast last week, but she was like, "You're an emotionally available, aware, and intelligent man, especially a Black man." And now, mind you, she's multi-racial. Let's say that. Um, so y'all ain't thinking, "Oh, y'all, this white girl got here out here, you know, Courtney doing whatever, right?" But, um, to have heard that, I was like, "Yo, I don't know what it was about that statement, but I I played the message over and over again, and it just felt like, yeah, being really f****** seen and appreciated and accepted as I am." And uh as I processed this in the
00:25:53
Courtney Brame: previous podcast episode, like out loud, um that was, you know, kind of what it felt like uh it feels like it came back full circle for me from my grandmother who fought for me, right? She fought for me and saw me and before anybody else could, right? And it was just such a beautiful moment that made me realize, oh, okay, well, maybe that's why I'm not pushing for sex here and sex isn't happening because this is the kind of unconditional love and acceptance that I want. It was like my grandma's love expressed now. And during this time when my birthday had been coming up, that's when I was like that's when I was uh needing it the most and that's when it came up. So this to me was like one of those moments where my grandma just threw her just came to me and was like, "Yo, you good? Like here, you wanted this closure. You wanted this uh you're doing the right thing." Cuz I I remember I was um
00:26:57
Courtney Brame: I was probably 24-25 years old and I was driving through Houston. I was driving past the shopping center, LA Fitness, Brew Wings, Chick-fil-A, and a couple other things, right? And I looked up. I looked up through the front of the wood. I said, "Hey, God, you know, if you real uh the way I've been doing things just ain't been working for me." I was like, "If I'm doing the right thing, show me I'm doing the right thing. If I'm doing the wrong thing, don't punish me. Just just I'll get the message." And this feels like getting the message like the shift in intention and being able to say no to the things that are not for me is very much allowing me to continue to say yes to the things that are for me. Um people uh experiences uh going places, doing things right. And I'm at a place in my life too where I'm able to do a lot more than what I'm actually doing.
00:28:04
Courtney Brame: And I'm able to do everything that I need to do. All of my needs are taken care of. My needs are taken care of. Okay. My wants, I'm in the way of those. And it has to be to me. Unfortunately, I got to say no to some of the s*** that I have too and or re restructure it or redefine it, you know, because if it's not what I want, then I'm practicing accepting what I don't want. And I want y'all to do that as well. Understand that what you have is what you want. What you have is what you tell the universe that you want. And if you're unable to create the space that is being occupied by those things that you have and don't really want, how you going to welcome in the things that you do want? How you going to welcome in the things that you are going to allow yourself to have that you're going to have practice with and be able to keep and then bring more of in. So I've come to realize my value as a human.
00:29:11
Courtney Brame: my value as myself and so much of it I just been validating is in my emotional intelligence and I always say this I make this comment it's not really a joke because there's more seriousness to it than than it is not but I get way more sex when I talk less me talking like my voice might turn people on however me like the the more I express that emotional awareness and intelligence, it's like the less sexually attractive somebody is. And that was something that I think that I experienced with this woman, which was like the more that we connected, the more that I felt. I was like, "Yo, I think I want this. I just want to feel this." And I think that if I have sex, maybe that'll mess it up. Or maybe there was just that my own internalized pressure that I allowed to surface for myself as insecurity of feeling like I didn't have anything to offer her. And here she was just saying, "No, you are enough. Just just be you.
00:30:20
Courtney Brame: Just be you." So yeah, you know, I think that you know the shifting of intention, the looking at the existing relationships that I have like they might be inconvenient for me traveling, but also they all have um created this space for me to be able to not necessarily like seek out what it is that I want because I again what you want is what you have, right? I have healthy, loving, fun relationships that meet a lot of the needs that I have. Do they meet all of my needs? No. But I wonder if those if I were getting my needs met in order for me to maintain it because again, that insecurity that came up, you know, if it was, oh no, you know, this woman makes way more money than me. I need to go and make a lot more money and that might make Something Positive for Positive People look different, right? So there might be another universe across the multiverse where I am not running Something Positive for Positive People.
00:31:37
Courtney Brame: I might be ashamed of my herpes status and miserable but making a lot of money, have, you know, a six-pack and be more than six feet tall and yeah, all the all the sixes of that equation of what makes a high value man. I might be a generically high value man in another universe. And yay, go that version of Courtney. Good for you. But in this one, I'm… I now see my value and it feels like it came from a place of validation that I've never been able to get. And it feels like it came from a place that you might not even believe, but I really genuinely believe that my grandmother was working through this lady to teach me this super valuable lesson that I belong here. I'm enough. and my value is significantly different from what your traditional idea of what it means to be valuable is or to have value is. Um there are people who have made efforts to connect with me in a variety of ways that I've just said no to out of sheer intimidation of what reciprocating that would look like.
00:32:53
Courtney Brame: Um, and I didn't know it until now. Like now I know. Uh, again, what you have is what you want or what you want is what you have. And until you start getting rid of s*** and you have that space, then you can allow yourself to be tested with the opportunities to say yes to the thing that you don't want or you can say no to the thing that you don't want. so that you can just naturally welcome what it is that you do want. You know, life is a f****** assembly line of needs that come in and it is your responsibility to choose for yourself. You know, which of these needs are going to be met? And because there's a variety of ways, it's a lot of different things coming down that assembly line. And what you say no to is going to really determine what you're allowing, what continues to come out of that assembly line. And for me, yeah, I want I I'm I'm I've learned that you can have intimacy, you can have intimacy and sex, and you can you can have sex.
00:34:08
Courtney Brame: I don't want to say just sex because I think that that devalues it, but to view sex and sexual energy and creativity in a different way. Um, I was speaking to my therapist and one of the things that he recently said was uh he asked me, he was like, "Do you feel more productive when you're not having sex or when you are having sex?" And I really struggle with this because productivity is generally measured at a quantitative level. How many things did I get done? How many pages did I write? How many posts did I make? How many podcasts did I do? Not a qualitative one. Um, I got this project completed, this thing that I've been working on, this thing that I wanted to do. And so, I had to look at this from a few different angles. One of which being, okay, let's say I'm having all the sex that I want to have. Okay.
00:35:05
Courtney Brame: So, let's say, you know, I have sex in the morning, sex on my lunch break, sex around dinner time, and then sex right before I go to sleep. So, let's say I'm having sex available to me four times a day. f***I take a long time to like have sex. Like I can be sexual in short periods of time, but I recognize that if I'm having that kind of sex, like one, it's accessible to where the pursuit of sex and the pursuit of relationships, right? The pursuit of relationships is not consuming my energy, my intentionality. So if I have these relationships or if I have this kind of relationship, then I don't need to look for it. So if I'm not looking for it, where's that energy going? likely into my career. If I'm not having that much sex or access to four times a day sex, right, then perhaps there's a little bit of frustration, but also, you know, I'm I'm might be putting that energy to trying to get more sexual partners, but I'm also still doing my work and, you know, making myself feel productive, but in like more of a distracted way.
00:36:19
Courtney Brame: So when I look at it those two ways, if I got to choose, well, I can't choose either or because again, the partners that I have are all distant, right? And I don't have any partners who are here at least, you know, consistent uh here and it's very spontaneous. I also don't go out much. Uh, I've been in Portland for about 6 weeks. I went out and went to Comic-Con and then I went out to the Halloween party. Those are the only two times that I went out. So, like I'm, I'm meeting people uh or putting myself out there, but I'm also saying no to a lot of that because so much of it revolves around things that I'm not doing right now. I'm not consuming a lot of sodium and eating, you know, s***** food and I'm also not drinking. I'm not drinking alcohol and so much is centered around this food and these alcohols. So, I got to get creative in where I decide to spend my time and how I decide to spend it or who I decide to spend it with, right?
00:37:23
Courtney Brame: And it doesn't make sense for me to go out to a place and buy juice and just to sit at a bar. Like, I don't want to just buy juice to hopefully potentially socialize. So, it's a lot of things that I'm struggling with here. But, it's making me realize, you know, what you have is what you want. And when you start to exclude those things that you have from your space again, like it opens up for something more. And so now the fewer times that I've been out have been a tremendously high quality of connection and that intimacy that I spoke of. And so that's what I'm saying yes to. I'm saying yes to things that I'm unable to receive unless I say no to other things. Um like even with being offered uh an exclusively casual sexual relationship, you know, if it's if that's something that I want, yeah, I'm I'm I'm available for that. Like I made myself available for a set thing with said person.
00:38:33
Courtney Brame: And like we understand what that is. Like this is something my therapist has been trying to get me to wrap my head around too. Um I don't think that I would have been able to do that had I not said no to things that aren't transparent to things that aren't um or if I'm not like putting myself out there and saying, "Yo, this is the kind of relationship I want. This is the kind of sex I want to have. These are things I want to do." Because what happens is the inconsistency uh the inconsistency starts to make you you know resistant. Inconsistency equals resistance to me. And whenever there's an inconsistency in all right this is what we're doing this is what we've discussed or like this is the nature of the relationship and then what's actually happening you know I get very distant and I see that from other people as well. Um, in my case, you know, if uh I know that I've again gone back to the intensity thing, I know that if sex is something that's agreed to and it's like, all right, yeah, you know, I don't have a capacity for a relationship.
00:39:39
Courtney Brame: I recognize that, oh, cool. Now that you've told me that, it feels very safe for me to treat you like we're in a relationship and just like to be myself fully because I know that this is only sex. And that is so strange that that's my interpretation of that. You know, you say just sex and I say, "Oh, great. I'm free knowing what this is. I'm free to fully be myself." And that can be intense. And yeah, these are very powerful revelations that I've had to myself. And while this episode doesn't have a general herpes theme, like this is important stuff. And I think that it's much more important for me to talk about, you know, these relationship things and these self-reflection things than it is just herpes. Because what you'll come to realize again is that the more somebody likes you, the less they're going to care about herpes. If somebody don't like you and they got to where they're placing your value, your worth on whatever your herpes status or diagnosis is, that doesn't feel good.
00:40:50
Courtney Brame: So, do you really want to be with somebody who's like, uh, well, you or herpes? Are you with herpes or somebody else that I don't know who might have herpes but not know it or not tell me? Uh, I can't tell. No. No. Say no to that. Say no to that. It is hard because when you desire something so bad and maybe you've been deprived for a long time, you know, me included, you know, like I I don't have as much sex as I want to be having. And sometimes it presents itself, it puts itself right in front of me and I have to say no to it because it's not the kind of sex I want to be having. It's not the kind of relationship that I want to have. And you know, I realized or I recognize like uh cuz I I tell friends all the time like, "Yo, if you say you want to be married and you want to, you know, have a family and everything, why are you saying yes to people who are incapable of giving you that?" And and people
00:41:49
Courtney Brame: just don't choose to be honest with themselves and say, "That's not what I want. What I have is what I want or what I want is what I have." Whichever way I say it. I think they both kind of say the same thing, but slightly different. Uh uh oh, hold on. Ugh. So, um, to just like dumb this down, if you keep finding yourself in sexual relationships with unattractive people, if you keep finding yourself in relationships with people who don't treat you well, if you keep finding yourself in, I don't even want to say in relationships, in situationships where a person isn't willing or wanting to commit to you. You shouldn't be in that. You need to say no to that. It's as simple as that. And I make it sound so simple because it is. But it's a practice. It's a practice to say no to what is not for you. To say no to some of the things that you have right now.
00:42:50
Courtney Brame: You know, I talk about the inconvenience of my long-distance relationships. But I think that it works for me to have something to look forward to, to have something to work towards and like a time dedicated to and set aside to where I'm not working. I'm going to be present with this person for this time frame and we doing what we do. And so that works for me because in those moments I'm practicing presence. I'm practicing delay gratification. If I could have sex four times a day every day and it was accessible to me, which people would probably say I could. I don't. I don't see that because I mean, like I said, the more I talk, the less sex I get. But also, like the more that I put myself out there, the more that I'm open to and um open for and um able to receive the quality of connection that I receive because there is something different about me. I'm a Black man who f****** loves anime.
00:43:52
Courtney Brame: I'm emotionally intelligent, communicative. Um, I have no problem with reflecting on my feelings and saying what it feels like. And I do this amazing ass work that I do. And I don't even want to call it work until it pays that because um this feels like something healing for me as well. So, this is a space of just reciprocal healing. And I appreciate this space. I appreciate it becoming what it's become. I appreciate the people who have held the space for it to become what it's become. And oh, oh man, he's yawning. All right. Um, yes. So intentionality says no to what you have to create space for the bigger things that you want. Healing, looking at examining and patching up you know those areas where you feel like you're becoming burnt out and you're giving those areas some awareness to see just how your energy might be being sapped from you.
00:45:13
Courtney Brame: So that you can, you know, stop letting that happen. All right. Um, practice, practice what you want. Practice. Um, if you, you know, when people go in, they're like, "Yeah, I want to date for a while." Know what you getting yourself into. If you practice in dating, you're practicing dating. You'll look up 3 years into dating and you've become good at dating and you're so good at dating that you can't be in a relationship because these are different skill sets. The more you date, the less you're in a relationship and the skills don't really translate unless you're in a relationship and then like you know they're like, "Oh, date you need to date the person you're with." Uh, no. If you've been in a relationship with the person you with, you don't have to date the person you with. Dating has shifted meaning. It's not, oh, we dating, we go to the movies, we uh we do these social things anymore.
00:46:10
Courtney Brame: No, when you dating, you're doing relationship s*** without the label. That's it. That's it. So, keep that in mind. And um the other uh takeaway I believe people will get from this podcast is um actually no, those might have been it. those those like definitions practice you know what it is that you want and you really got to say no you got to say no to s*** that you don't want and I'm putting this into play now so um let my life lessons you know be something useful to you because it feels like to me I'm learning out loud and the more I learn out loud the more connected I feel to myself when I'm able to say things out loud and process them for the first time and be like, "Oh, that's what that was or this is what that is." Right? It's an ongoing process and we can do this s*** together. You listening to the podcast, I'm producing the podcast. So, um yeah, we have a very reciprocal relationship here.
00:47:22
Courtney Brame: So, thank y'all for listening and letting me share some of this stuff. Um, I intend to, you know, continue to share, uh, more of this personal stuff, personal experiences for the sake of you just taking these experiences and applying them to yourself, whatever works for you. Because so much of dating with herpes is just like dating without the herpes, man. And don't become callous in the dating scene or the date a sense of dating to where you know you lose your vulnerability. I did all of that. You know, I realized that I don't think I stopped the intro. It just went from I teach people how to discuss their sexual health status and whatever. Huh. What do you know? Looked up and the podcast episode was done. Nice. All right, y'all. Um, that concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. If you haven't already, please take the survey at www.spfpp.org.
00:48:25
Courtney Brame: And if you go to the survey tab, you'll be able to participate if you have herpes only. Please don't try and take the survey if you don't have herpes because then it'll just kick you out of the survey. Um, we'll present this data at the Something Positive for Positive People conference that will be held virtually on May 23rd, 2024. Um, be on the lookout for that book that is in editing right now. So, uh, that'll be out in the world. Um, yeah, survey book and conference. Uh, I'm working with somebody on bringing yoga back uh as a business thing that I do. And in fact, that might just need to be separate now that I'm saying it out loud. But, um, much of my yoga practice is incorporated in Something Positive as well as my other job and how I just hold space for people in general. So, it'll be interesting to bring those two things together. And, um, yeah, I really appreciate, you know, y'all being here. I look forward to continuing to connect with you as we do and um yeah till next time.
