SPFPP Episode 167: Most of Us Are Okay
I speak to a couple of DMs I received and just how actually rare it is that we are rejected compared to what we think in our minds. The majority of us with herpes are at an ok place with our herpes diagnosis, I just happen to only hear from various people who are currently struggling, which comes and goes, but it's most important that we understand our blueprints for navigating a herpes diagnosis won't always come from a herpes resource.
Episode 167 Transcript
Going Live and the Dangers of Settling for Abuse
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm your host, Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a self-development resource for people who are navigating herpes stigma. What I want to come on here today and speak to is some recent messages that I've gotten from people. Um, I often say that whenever I'm on the edge or thinking about ending this and moving on to something else, there's always a message that comes. That is not what happened today, just so y'all know. All right. Um, wow. I'm on the live right now and I got people here. Usually I'm on here for a few minutes by myself. I'm a little… Now I'm nervous. Y'all ain't supposed to be here. Um, but no, thank you all for being here. If you do have any questions, please feel free to send a message.
00:01:05 Courtney Brame: Um, and this will be recorded for the podcast. So, just so you know, um, if you have a question, write it in and I am absolutely happy to respond to it. Um, so I received a couple of different messages. One of which is in regard to um someone having been in a relationship for a while, a lot longer than they should have considering that both of them have herpes and they stayed in the relationship with that person because it was easy. And what they ended up tolerating was a lot more emotional abuse than they should have. Now, nobody should have to deal with any sort of abuse, period. But this person made it a point to um emphasize that this was something that contributed to them wanting to end their life. And so with that being said, you know, it's it really goes back to the core of what Something Positive for Positive People originated as, which is being a suicide prevention awareness resource for people who are navigating herpes stigma.
True Intimacy and Robot Alligators
00:02:10 Courtney Brame: And it doesn't just look like someone got herpes, the doctor misdiagnosed them, or just told them to go on about their business. There's so many more complexities to it. The way that they navigate their relationships, uh, if they're in a relationship, how the dynamics around that change, I think, have more influence on a person's behavior than their actual diagnosis does. Because, again, our sexual health is mental health. And our identities are super interconnected with our sexuality oftentimes just because that's the way that we've gone about connecting with people. Sex is one vehicle of connecting with other people. We can use that for just physical satisfaction. But I think at the core of it all, what we really want is that sense of intimacy, the energetic exchange that comes with not just being as vulnerable as you can be in your body, but also feeling safe to be as vulnerable as you can be in your emotions, in your energy, and being able to just completely melt and disintegrate and dissolve into another person's being.
00:03:13 Courtney Brame: and y'all get that experience with each other. I actually had a dream and it's so funny when I remember dreams that I have, but I often wake up and I write them down real quick. But uh in this dream, I remember there was this big robot alligator, huge cuz I played this game called uh Horizon Dawn or something like that. And they were like robotic alligators. It was a post-apocalyptic world. And uh there were just these robots that were artificially made because we just needed animals to do things for the environment. So these big ass robot alligators like coming at me and then I don't know what it was like a shark just headbutted and I look up and this is where it gets weird y'all. It was Jessica Alba uh and some dude, I don't know who this dude was, but they like hugged each other and they just f****** turned into stardust or something and they were two different colors and they merged and just disintegrated into the air and I remember looking up I went, "Oh, I want that." And then not too long after that,
00:04:13 Courtney Brame: I woke up. But the dream didn't have any point at all. But uh I think that that's what a lot of us want in regards to intimacy. So when we begin to look at our relationship to sex, what we begin to find is that maybe there's something more there. And herpes appears to be a barrier to intimacy for us. And therefore, we tend to panic when it gets to the point of us needing to figure out how we're going to disclose and put ourselves in a vulnerable position to either receive or be declined or have our uh request for intimacy declined. And so, um, what… where was I going with that? I lost it. But, uh, what I want to say, especially to this person, uh, we've spoken, they're in a safe situation. They're able to get away from, um, the relationship, but I see this like I see this often.
The 85% Rule and the Reality of Rejection
00:05:10 Courtney Brame: I don't share all of the messages that I get. I don't share everything simply because there's sometimes it's just not appropriate uh, depending on where the person is and it doesn't feel good to even ask. Sometimes people will volunteer for me to be able to share what their experiences are or share screenshots of their story and that's cool. Um, but yeah, oftentimes there's a lot more to this than what's on the surface. There are so many other elements to these people's experiences and I hope that the ones that do get shared are enough to support someone who may be in a similar situation and help them figure out a way to get out of it or if they are in a sit mentioned um attempting suicide and she said that um myself and Safe s**** uh resources have been really supportive to her as she managed to get to a point of recognizing a need to get out of that relationship.
00:06:19 Courtney Brame: And she said that they settled things with a lawyer. They're going to be in the same house with each other for a bit uh as they begin to dissolve things uh from I guess it's the divorce. Uh she said lawyer. I don't know that she said divorce, but um I'm safe to assume that that's what it is. So, it's not something to stay in an abusive relationship with. It's not. I mean, I understand that there are circumstances where people will remain in these types of relationships, but abuse is just something that no one should have to tolerate. And it's just unfortunate that that's a reality that people have to go about for themselves. Um, and I'll be the first to acknowledge that sometimes healing is a luxury. Um, as necessary as it is, going through your own healing process and figuring out what it is that you need for yourself in order to have a good quality of life, in order to have a healthy life, a long life, and one that is fulfilling to you sometimes like we just don't have access to it and we have to take it in in whatever ways we see possible.
00:07:28 Courtney Brame: Um, and that's what a lot of these stories that people are sharing do for people. It provides people with a template, a framework, uh, a story that could potentially be parallel to an experience that someone else might be having. And if they're having that experience and they're able to take it in, digest it, and take what is necessary, and then poop the rest of it out. Um, so yeah, that's something that's really important. And I'm not sharing this necessarily to raise awareness that people with herpes end up in abusive relationships because it's not the case. Like I, I generally say that most people who have herpes are okay. Most of these people I will never talk to. So most of the stories are going to be more so on the negative side than on the positive side for sure simply because if someone does have herpes and they're in a relationship, what reason do they have to look out for? um any sort of resources that are going to help them with navigating something that they don't need help navigating.
00:08:32 Courtney Brame: So, uh in my mind, what I like to say, I don't have any statistical proof of this, but I think that 85% of the people who do have herbies are okay. And I might hear from the remaining 15% of people who might be just getting out of a relationship, who might be opening a relationship, who have to go back out into dating, who need to disclose, who are newly diagnosed. These are the people that I'm hearing from. So that's why the majority of stories tend to have so much negative connotation to them. All right? So I don't want people to think that this is fully representative of who has herpes and this whole entire audience. It's only representative of a small portion of people who I hear from when I do hear from them. So, just take that into consideration as you think that nobody out here has herpes or uh you're discouraged from disclosing to people or when you do get to a place of being ready to disclose to someone that you think that you're going to get rejected.
00:09:29 Courtney Brame: The real likelihood of rejection is actually one out of three. So, there's a 33 point chance uh 33.3% chance that you will be told no thanks after disclosing your status. What we don't look at is a 66.6% likelihood of a person not rejecting you and that that person that we disclose to uh will essentially say I have it too or they'll be like tell me more you know and that's a sign that is positive about moving forward. So please please keep that into consideration when you're disclosing.
Taking People Off the Pedestal
Courtney Brame: And um this is a really good transition into the next uh message that I received, which was from someone who's really struggling with uh disclosing to a potential partner. This is someone that she likes. And I I see this often where we put people on a pedestal. We put them way up here. And when you put someone up here, it's not that you've put them up here.
00:10:23 Courtney Brame: It's that you've put yourself down here beneath their level. I don't like the concept of uh raising standards or leveling up. I think that we expand, we level out more so than uh leveling upwards. And when we have this expansion to ourselves, we're more easily able to connect. Like thinking about smells. Don't think about it like steps and ladders because then you make it to where things are so unattainable because you have to look up there and it's like, man, that's a long way to go. This is discouraging. I have to get up there. And if you put yourself on that pedestal, you put other people so far beneath you that you wouldn't be able to connect with people that you do have the potential of uh bringing into your space in a way that aligns with what you're looking for. So think about it as like a smell, right? So your energy is parallel to how you smell.
00:11:17 Courtney Brame: You may not be able to see it. you cannot touch it, but you know that within that area that there is something that you're drawn to. Leading with your nose or leading with your intuition, right? Again, two paths of getting there. You don't see what someone's energy is. You might see what they have on. Maybe that's something that's attractive, but begin to look at it from the perspective of uh identifying these invisible or intangible aspects of another person so that you can begin to connect with them. and also for yourself. Be able to allow yourself to be attainable. Don't make yourself uh have these unrealistic standards for yourself or put yourself down so low because of your herpes diagnosis that you don't have any standards at all. I think people make that mistake as well.
Decentering the "Perfect Disclosure"
Courtney Brame: So, when it comes to getting to a place of being able to disclose your herpes status to a partner, one of the first things that you'll want to do is be able to understand how you feel saying, "I have herpes" out loud.
00:12:17 Courtney Brame: I say it more often than anybody else probably would simply because when people ask me what I do, that's one of the first conversations that comes up. But for me, looking into this camera right now and saying to you all, I have herpes, there isn't a feeling that comes up for me anymore because I've said it so many times. So, I encourage you to practice that. Practice seeing how you feel when you say out loud, "I have herpes." And look at how your body language may shift or change. Think about what the feelings are inside of you. Do you feel an intense sense of stress? Do you feel a sense of calm? Do you feel a sense of relief? Is there an excitement to it? because you know that you are probably about to get some because you're about to have to disclose your status to somebody. And let's make it into that.
00:13:03 Courtney Brame: Like, let's make it about that. Don't put the pressure of success or failure of disclosing your herpes status to a partner into a success or failure situation. Because the fact that you're even telling them about your status in itself is a success because you see this person as someone that you would like to share intimacy with in that way because if they're going to be receiving this information then that means that they've already passed the test that you've put in place to see if they're even somebody that you do want to sleep with. And so doing that and then going into okay now how do I disclose my herpes status to this person? it becomes a completely different uh conversation for yourself. And so now you can start to assess, okay, am I compatible with this person? Is this someone that I want something short-term or long-term with? Do we see eye to eye on things that are going to be important if we are to sustain a long-term relationship?
00:14:03 Courtney Brame: You have to ask these questions. Don't ask, how do I disclose my herpes status to this person? Because it often isn't even about the how. It's about if you should even be uh considering this as a potential partner. You know, do you like them? Uh, is there mutual compatibility? Why do you like them? And I hate to make dating any more complex than it already has to be because it is, it's just, it's a challenge. just difficult and there are so many options and choices and compatibilities and incompatibilities and we don't even we don't even want to get to the point about timing like timing is so key when it comes to dating as well but without that like we can just remove the whole component of the fact that you have herpes and just allow yourself to date allow yourself to be with this person and see if there's somebody that you want to even share that space with.
00:15:03 Courtney Brame: So, take the pressure off of yourself when it comes to uh the disclosure piece and allow for yourself to really um just engage with the person and see if y'all are even a fit for each other because more often than not, you'll be able to find someone who's a better fit. But the thing is, uh it's about being able to allow yourself to be present with this person. And you cannot be present if you're always in your head about when or how am I going to disclose my herpes status. And another thing you can do to be completely honest is just put it in your dating profile. That'll knock out a lot of this. And now, of course, some people don't always read the full profile. So, you might have to address it in your initial conversations. So that everything has pros and cons, but please stop putting this pressure on yourself to have the perfect herpes disclosure that no one will be able to say no to.
00:15:58 Courtney Brame: Like, oh, if I say it this way, they'll never be able to tell me no. Like, they'll have to say yes and move forward and sleep with me. I don't want to have to sell you on sleeping with me. And you know, whether or not you want to. And it's the same thing with you knowing whether or not you wanted to sleep with that person. And from there it just becomes a matter of are we compatible? Is this going to be good? Like life is way too short for bad sex. And you said you're setting yourself up for having bad sex when it becomes challenging for you to communicate something as simple as STI status to a person that should be mature enough to be able to at the very least have that conversation with you. So, these were just a couple of the messages that I've received um well, not just today, but uh yesterday as well, I believe.
Closing Thoughts and the SPFPP Mission
00:16:48 Courtney Brame: And of course, I get the thank you messages, and I always appreciate those. Those really do, in fact, keep me motivated, keep me going. Um I love it. I am very much appreciative of all of the support, all the podcast guests, all of the ratings, the reviews, um the donations, of course, and I'm here, you know, if people have questions. I don't have a problem with answering those questions. I think um uh that it's very important for us to be able to exchange dialogue and be able to say out loud sometimes for the first time that we are living with herpes, we have herpes, and to be able to share our own experiences with each other and talk about them because sometimes we don't have people that we can talk to about these things. And when we don't have anyone that we feel safe enough to talk to about it, we'll hold it inside. It'll fester inside of us and then we'll begin to have opportunities where we just might not disclose to somebody and we'll rationalize it really easily for ourselves.
00:17:49 Courtney Brame: We may have situations where we decide, you know, to halfass disclose or uh finangle some statistics so that our likelihood of not having to deal with the emotional labor and fatigue of rejection becomes irrelevant. So, we wanna think that these are just human things. We want to be able to do these things and we want things to be as easy as possible for us, but the reality is that it is a necessity. And while it's still like a luxury, you know, to go through your healing process and work with a licensed uh medical professional, what Something Positive for Positive People does is offer donation based therapy, donation based coaching resources. Um, if you are someone who is in need of figuring out how to go about this process for yourself, if you do want to develop and heal and grow or whatever the words are that you use, um, then reach out. Like there's nothing wrong with reaching out and just seeing what's available. All right? So, I hope that you will consider that.
00:18:49 Courtney Brame: I hope that uh this was helpful to you. If anybody has any questions, comments, concerns, statements, feel free to post it here right now so that I can answer that. Otherwise, I'm going to close this thing out. Um, yeah. Uh, things are good. Like, things are really good. Uh, Something Positive for Positive People is again a well, I didn't say this the first time, but it's also a 501c3 nonprofit organization that, uh, takes donations to support people who are seeking donation-based mental health resources for helping them with navigating stigma. In addition to that, I am working to uh get STD prevention efforts to include our lived experiences. We have a lot of amazing stories and experiences that people have shared on the podcast. And it's really important that we take these experiences and stories and we wrap them into some sort of an inte… uh intervention resource to aid STD prevention efforts because we can do that.
00:19:50 Courtney Brame: You know, the ways that people are now communicating and learning to communicate uh through Something Positive for Positive People or after having done their own self-education and then come in and share what their experiences are. These are things that the general population can really benefit from and year over year over year we see STI cases and transmissions are consistently rising and here we are now speaking up and now it's just a matter of being heard. So that's what I'm working on. Working on getting us heard. This is the most important thing to me right now is allowing for us to get our experiences out there to the general public so that disclosing does become a little bit easier so that there are less people who experience any sort of mental health challenges as a result of receiving a diagnosis. to support health care providers and medical professionals in being able to deliver consistently accurate, trustworthy information in regard to not just herpes, but all sexually transmitted infections as well as what it means to practice safer sex and be able to give them all give people in general all of the information that they need without the fear of or um the the pressure of um coming into contact with someone who is stigmatized. and maybe not in the best place for themselves. And um I understand that doctors are really really busy and they have so much going on that it's not a good idea for them to sit and be with someone who might receive their diagnosis and be crying. And again I believe that of the people the general population of people who have herpes only 15ish% of people are struggling or looking for resources that are going to help them with navigating stigma. and everybody else is just in their relationships or they're doing whatever the work is that they need to do for themselves to uh differentiate their identity from being exclusively connected to their sexuality. All right, thank you so much for jumping on this live. I thank you for taking the time to listen if you're listening to this on the podcast feed. And uh till next time, I'll see you around.
Transcription ended after 00:22:29
