SPFPP Episode 180: The Imminent Infiniteness of Disclosure
A solo episode brought about from reoccurring conversations I'm having with people around herpes disclosure and how it impacts one's confidence. A major question to ask yourself throughout listening to this episode is just how much value are you placing on your sexuality and ability to merge genitals with a potential partner at the expense of your own humanness. Think about all the other things to disclose and have disclosed to you. So often, in our minds, herpes disclosure takes over our ability to recognize things non-sexually that are far more important to us than STI status is. We talk through several considerations for disclosure on this episode. Enjoy!
Episode 180 Transcript
The Pressure of Disclosure and Non-Sexual Baggage
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization connecting people who are struggling with STI stigma to mental health resources. Today's topic really stems around how much weight we put into having to disclose our own status, our STI status to a person rather than first off even looking at or considering the nonsexual things that we need to disclose that they may have to disclose or that they may not be disclosing at all. I had a conversation this morning with a woman um I can't say her name. It's a very specific name, but if she listens, she'll know who this is about and what our conversation was. But it really stems around our reluctance to want to disclose and asking ourselves when's the best time to disclose? Should I do it right away? Should I do it after a few days? Should I do it when I really get to know a person?
00:01:33 Courtney Brame: And to be honest, all of it is situational. There is no best time to disclose your STI status, but as long as it's before you put that person at risk of uh having it themselves, then that's the best time. That's the right time at least. So, it's not a matter of best time, or worst time. It's just a matter of right time. And not disclosing at all is the wrong time really um more than anything. But the big question to ask yourself is why is there so much pressure placed on ourselves for having to disclose our herpes status? And I mean that to the point in which we take the weight of not wanting children or even wanting children or having children, having different political beliefs or spiritual beliefs, wanting to live in a different place long term, wanting monogamy or n time monogamy, working in a particular job, making too much money, making not enough money, uh having baggage, still being married, um baggage from last relationships, having been traumatized or having PTSD, different invisible um invisible disabilities, visible disabilities even, or just being sick or having something run in the family genetically that may be passed down to children if you and that person want children.
00:02:59 Courtney Brame: I offer as many of these examples as I possibly can just to give you perspective on all of those things because something may have given you chills because that hit home for you in what you feel like you also should probably disclose but aren't or what hasn't been disclosed to you and you later found out from a person and that was something that was a deal breaker for you or maybe it was a deal breaker and you stuck in the relationship or you continued to stick through it. Uh but just consider the fact that none of those things necessarily involve sex now or pleasure now and sexual contact. It's just your STI status. So asking ourselves that question and then drilling it down a little bit more, we get into our views on sex and how we place so much more value on sex than we do the meaningful aspects of a relationship or compatibility even with a potential partner. Right? because maybe that's just what we're conditioned to do is have that be a priority.
Substance Over Surface in Dating
00:04:19 Courtney Brame: But at what point in your life did your worth become exclusive to your ability to use your genitals or please someone else's genitals uh with yours or whatever orifice you choose to use. Like at what point did that become your worth? And why would we give our own concepts of self-worth to sex exclusively rather than on these characteristics of the person? Um, someone else I asked and if she listens, she'll hear this too. I just had a conversation with a very very very beautiful woman and one of the things that she's struggling with right now is just dating in general. Um, and we got to the root of what the real problem is. But I just remember thinking, I was like, you know, I think you like a certain type of guy. I'm not going to say what type that is. And I mentioned it and I was right, which is funny. But um, what she said really excited me.
00:05:22 Courtney Brame: Like I was very happy to hear what she said in response. and it was that she dates intelligence, niceness, um, and down-to-earth type guys. And I was like, damn, you didn't say anything about physical traits or what they're bringing to the table. You went straight to the core of what makes a person. If we could all look at these things first, I think we'd bypass the whole fear of having to disclose things to people because think about it. If she knows that she's attracted to intelligence, niceness, and downto-earthness, then she recognizes that this is someone that she actually is invested in or wants to invest in. and then you can begin to go through the process of getting to know one another and dating and all of the stuff that comes with that. Whereas if we're just superficially dating, oh, I like tall and dark and handsome, then what we place no value on the things that are actually important.
00:06:33 Courtney Brame: All right, so this tall, dark, handsome dude is not the brightest crayon in the box. He's very surface level. uh cares about what other people think, has insecurities, and he's mean. So, are we placing more value on the physicality because the physical stuff is there than we are the non-physical stuff that's still there, but we're more likely to walk away from what we can see on the surface than we are what has substance underneath the surface. We are all made up of that stardust from the cosmos that the source energy, God, universe, whatever higher power you choose to believe in has instilled in these souls, these bodies, these minds, that's what we're made of. We're that electricity that runs through it. And so we really ought to remember that so that we can look for where that electricity is prevalent from other people. So when we have auras and we radiate energy and positivity and s***, that's magnetic.
Confidence vs. Magnetism and Embracing Insecurities
00:07:46 Courtney Brame: When our electrical currents are free to flow through the body and flow through the mind and express themselves in our being, our smiles, how we walk, how we dance, how we play, and our behavior, how we treat people. That's what makes people magnetic. I was having a conversation. Man, I've been having a lot of conversations. That's how you… That's how you know COVID times are becoming draining and fatiguing because I'm talking to all these people in person. But um yeah, the conversation that I had was about confidence. And so what makes someone confident? What makes someone- attractiveness and confidence are two different things. So, I have it in my notes, but I don't want to create sounds on the podcast here by looking at my phone because I use my phone to record, right? Uh, so I'm going to try and paraphrase it as best I can. Um, confidence isn't inherently attractive.
00:08:48 Courtney Brame: Like, that's not what it is. Because when we look at confidence in the sense of um when we look at confidence as oh he's so attractive he's so confident that's why he's attractive. I don't think that Nope. I'm saying it wrong. I'm going to just do it. If you hear sounds this is why. I'm sorry. I apologize y'all. All right. So here's what I wrote. It ain't confidence that's attractive. It's the embracing of insecurities or some variation of that. There it is. All right. So what I mean by that? How often have we seen mismatched couples, so to speak, um where someone's really, really attractive and the other person is by society standards not attractive and we think to ourselves, oh, they must make a lot of money or oh, they must have a real big dick or oh, you know, those kinds of things.
00:09:36 Courtney Brame: And I'm sure you've thought that, so don't give me no s*** for having said that if you were thinking it. Um, or they got a really nice car, so they're overcompensating for things. I don't know. But what I've come to learn is that the people who on the surface seem to have to be flawless, these people have some of the ugliest traits because they're pushing things down. And I always say if you're pushing, you can only push stuff down. You can only push stuff down so far before it comes out on the other side. So, if you're pushing things down away from the surface, then it's going to come out in your behavior. I'm going to say that again. You can only push things down so far before they come out of the other side. So, let that be those things that I mentioned people wanting to disclose or needing to disclose that perhaps haven't been dealt with, the insecurities that are there.
00:10:36 Courtney Brame: If you don't deal with your insecurities, your insecurities are going to deal with you. They're going to show up in your behaviors. And I could think of a million examples of this for myself, but uh what I find to be true about these quote lesser attractive people is that they embrace their insecurities. You know, that short, bald, chubby dude, you know, isn't obsessively in the gym seven days a week drinking protein shakes every other day because he's not insecure. he's leaning into the insecurities that he has. That's a completely different way of doing things. So, embracing it may look like, oh yeah, you know, I do have a little gut. It's genetic, whatever. Like, my dad has a gut. Haha. I can laugh about it. But also goes to the gym or maybe watches what he eats, you know, here and there, but not in a way that it's obsessive or overcompensating or being pushed down, right?
00:11:33 Courtney Brame: Uh dealing with the hair thing. All right. So, my hair is turning gray. I love my f****** gray whiskers that I have. I tell people I'm learning Ultra Instinct like Goku because his hair turned gray. Goku's from Dragon Ball Z for the women who might be listening and not in the anime. Um, but yeah, like I embrace the fact that my grays are coming in and I picked that s*** out. Like I used to pull them out, but now I just like to comb through them so that they match or they stand out really well from the grays. It's not just curly and raggedy or anything, but I proudly show off the grays in my beard. If and when I start balding, cuz my dad's bald, but turns out he had alopecia. Um, if I start balding, like, I'll shave my head. Like, oh, cool.
00:12:20 Courtney Brame: You know, I've been looking for an excuse to have this, right? And these are examples of embracing insecurities. And the funny thing here is that the chubby bald dude may have no problem with his hair loss or he may even be bald by choice. He may have liked the possibility of growing a full head of hair and uh with his chubbiness like it may not even bother him. It just bothers other people. So people project their own perceived insecurities onto secure people or just people period and then try to make them insecure. Now, a person's willingness to embrace the insecurities that they know they have and also be dealing with them, that's what's attractive. It's not about coming off as perfect or seeming perfect. It's a matter of how willing are you to deal with and embrace and lean into your own insecurities. Right? For me, uh I like validation.
00:13:20 Courtney Brame: I like to hear that I am right. If you want to stroke my ego, tell me I'm right. Call me right. But if I'm wrong, the insecure part of me will always try to reframe what it was that I was asking. And me and that insecurity plus sarcasm do not pair well together at all because I then revert my statement in response to someone's sarcasm and the statement had no flaws to it at all. and the whatever consensus has been made from that, but then I feel like, oh s***, I need to change it up because that wasn't received well. Let me hurry up. And that's an insecurity. And so leaning into my insecurity of that would just be asking a question like, "Oh, I said this and you said no." All right. Well, damn. Did I communicate that right or what did you hear? And they'll just be like, "Oh, I'm just f****** with you. I was being sarcastic.
00:14:18 Courtney Brame: Yeah, I'll do it." And that was something that even happened recently, but this was a virtual conversation, right? But um it's important that we do this. It's important that we are aware of what our insecurities are versus what people think our insecurities are, what we think people think are our insecurities. Because otherwise, we're going to be responding to someone else's own internal insecurities projected onto us, and nothing gets done. All we're doing is allowing for these people. We're we're perpetuating uh and enabling these people to not deal with their own s*** because we are validating them in that they're not insecure. They don't have anything to work on. They're perfect. But you aren't. And you need to go to the gym and work out. Oh, I don't have to do that because I'm in the gym seven days a week drinking my protein shakes five times a day and I'm eating seven meals a day and I never sleep.
Emotional Neediness and Relational Mirrors
00:15:19 Courtney Brame: All I do is lift weights and drink protein and eat blah blah blah. This is my life because they're pushing something down. And this person, it may look real good in the gym when you see them, but they don't see their kids. They are cheating on their wife. They're running away from the fact that they have herpes. They're doing something as an avoidance strategy with working out seven days a week, consuming five protein shakes a day, and eating seven meals, and this is their life. And it comes out and, man, you look a little bit fat. Hey, did you know? Yeah, you're balding. Damn, I'm glad I'm not balding. Or, yeah, I make so much money. The list goes on. That insecurity can also show up in a form of emotional neediness. One of the examples that in the conversation I was having um we talk about a constant need for that emotional validation in a way that shows up with a little emotional undertone behind it of passive aggressiveness of uh constantly needing reassurance that you are liked by someone.
00:16:35 Courtney Brame: And here's the example. Like, do you not like me? And then the other person being so thrown off for it because it came out of nowhere. Like, why are you asking that? Well, because you're sitting on the other side of the couch. Okay. Well, why didn't you just scoot closer? Or why didn't you say, "Hey, baby, come here." Like, "You way over there. Bring your ass over here." That's sexy. Do you not like me? And then, you know, the other person responded, "Wait, what? Like, cuz you sitting way over there. Why you sitting over there? It's cuz you don't like me." When we get into those insecurities, we start to project that s*** onto other people and all we got to do and we even look to heal our own securities insecurities or we look to cope with our own insecurities through our exchanges with other people.
00:17:21 Courtney Brame: So at the expense of dating and relationships and partnerships, what we find ourselves doing is using them as what uh using them for what the purpose therapy excuse me, what uh the purpose therapy serves for people. So that quick hit of validation of baby, you know I love you then come over. Why you so far away from me? And then, you know, scooting over a little bit closer, like that's a temporary fix to a much more long-term problem, which is, you know, I don't I can't speak to people's experience, but I know that I've even been there before where um I would be like, damn, you know, do you do you even like me? And it seems to come out of nowhere because of all these stories that I've told in my head of some insecurity about not being attractive. And just for the record, like I peaked late. So like right now, the reason that I consider myself to be I don't want to say attractive, but magnetic is because I've identified I found my identity.
Becoming Magnetic and Honoring Your Stardust
00:18:26 Courtney Brame: I know who I am. And I'm that innermost essence of being, that stardust, that electricity that runs through the nervous system that powers the body. And I believe that sparks come off me that radiate that s***. Like I sprinkle a little bit of stardust out of me that the people who also recognize that innermost being of themselves can see too. People who are avoidant of that, you know, may be intrigued by it or intimidated by it and want to run the f*** away from it and want nothing to do with it because it challenges them to do the same thing. And that's okay. But I am so secure in myself now because I am at my peak because I recognize this. So therefore, I will always be at my peak as long as I am honoring the essence within me and honoring this in those around me too. So that to me makes me magnetic. I don't care for being attractive anymore.
00:19:24 Courtney Brame: I care about being magnetic. And when you're magnetic, magnetic, magnetism attracts um it attracts what's that s*** called? Uh metal. I don't know why I couldn't think of it. So, like I want I know that my people are metal and I want to be uh around metal people, right? Or other magnets. Like I want to be around magnetic people that attract, you know, what they know to be their people, their community. Um I feel like I can butcher that analogy so easily with the fact that magnets when you put them together, they actually repulse one another. And I'm like, damn, that's a real good point. But oh, there's a metaphor somewhere in there. Like I look at how divided um the herpes activist network became after Hands was dismantled. So now we've got all these people who are attracted to metal, people with herpes who aren't um herpes education advocates in our spheres and circles.
00:20:26 Courtney Brame: And there's maybe some polarity there. Like let's say we're all 12 feet apart because that's just outside of the rank. That's just within range of us being able to be around each other without there being that force of pushing away. Uh damn, that's that's actually Yeah, that's pretty f****** spot on actually. But this ain't the episode to go into all of that. Uh take that into consideration though in dating and when you're filling out people, when you're filling out jobs even, you know what about this job is attractive? Is it the fact that they're located downtown and as soon as you leave you can go to a bar? Uh, is it convenient for lunch breaks? Or is there a culture that the innermost being of this company is its culture that it cares and values uh it cares about and values its employees? Are there safe spaces or safer spaces for you to be able to come if you're having someone died in the family?
00:21:28 Courtney Brame: Right? And you go into HR and you let them know, are they gonna tell you, "Oh, well, you don't have any more sick days. Better get back to work." Or are they going to be a little bit more compassionate and just tell you, "Hey, you know, take as much time as you need. We'll cover you." Blah, blah, blah. Is this the kind of workplace that creates those friendships? or do they value just the prioritization of the money over your well-being in order for you to be able to continue to make this company more money? So, it transfers not just to yourself, not just to your relationships with people, not just to your friendships, but also to um it's universal. I think that it's universal attractiveness, magneticness or magnetism. Attraction and magnetism. Why am I butchering words today? Uh yeah, it's definitely something to strive for. And the reason that I can be magnetic is just because I am so self-identified and connected to the source.
00:22:39 Courtney Brame: And when I'm out of alignment, I'm not magnetic. When I'm out of alignment, I have moments of vulnerability. And I've reigned myself by leaning into those moments of vulnerability, just like in uh the previous episode where I talked about uh wanting to walk away from Something Positive for Positive People's podcast because honestly, my energy had been shifted more so into chasing sex partners than it was pursuing and continuing to advance my purpose. I mean like and sex partners are plentiful and always going to be there, but for me to actively be pursuing them, that's what came at the expense of me advancing the nonprofit. That's why those people were still on that waiting list for receiving therapy services. And I just projected the need for a change to being something that has consumed a lot of my time, which is the Something Positive for Positive People podcast. in itself. So being completely honest with ourselves, we have to be willing to look in our innermost selves and recognize that that electricity, the essence, that stardust is going to shine bright as f*** when it's shining, when it's on and when we're in purpose.
De-centering Sex and Redefining Disclosure
00:23:58 Courtney Brame: But when we get a little bit distracted, distractions dim that light within us. And we have to not only just like, oh, oh s***, I got to get back to being on the light or being lit. get lit. Um, we have to be willing to embrace that in which dimmed the light in the first place. What got me out of alignment? I would say the thing that got me out of alignment was being distracted by the allure like all this freedom. I value freedom. Liberation is one of my values. And there's with COVID, like I have too much freedom. I have too much liberation. So I can go off and step out of my shining in the brightness of the bright to where like if I got my ego stroked by someone and I'm like oh this person's attractive or I'm attracted to this person and uh they happen to also get me with that that talk like if you talk to me like you speak to my soul you got me I I will yeah you got me as a distraction.
00:25:04 Courtney Brame: Um, but that's something that I'm actively uh I'm actively being more conscious of. So, I've put boundaries up for myself around that so that I'm not doing anything that takes away from me progressing through my purpose. And so, I invite everyone who is hearing this podcast episode to also take that into consideration because we got to stop prioritizing the uh sex acts, the physical. We got to stop doing that s***. Like, yeah, sex is great. If you want to just have sex, then talk to people about that. Let them know, hey, this is what I want. Be intentional about it. Be upfront. Um, but we shouldn't place more value on that than how a person treats us or how a person could treat us just because they're quote attractive. So, let's look for these things. Let's look for that intelligence in a person, that niceness in a person, that groundedness, down to earthness and spirituality in a person.
00:26:03 Courtney Brame: The things that we like in ourselves that we demonstrate ourselves, what shines from within us, that's what we ought to be pursuing because, you know, two two bright lights are going to shine brighter together. And that's gonna ward away darkness and encourage people to look at their own darkness and start to have that same bit of light within themselves when they turn it on. But we got to look within and I used those kinds of phrases. And what I mean by that is just being aware of what's important and all that other stuff that again we got to disclose or that people might disclose to us. Yeah, we got herpes. But you know, you on the other hand, you got four kids and three baby mamas. So, were you planning on telling me that or did I have to go to social media to find out? Right. Uh, you still married? And as far as your wife knows, y'all still married, but you telling me you separated.
00:27:07 Courtney Brame: You want to disclose that? There's all kinds of stuff that we need to be open-minded about being a possibility with disclosure, but we place so much value on disclosing our herpes status that we just overlook all that stuff. We don't even want to ask these kinds of questions like, "Oh yeah, you know, I'm disclosing this. Is there anything that you think that you should disclose to me and invite people into that space?" You would think that people would just come out and say, "Hey, you know, I got this going on. This is what I'm doing. Right? Like being able to say something like that in a way that invites for you to be able to disclose something and it doesn't have to right away be your herpes status. It can be that well, you know, I'm only going to be here for the next year and a half. So, if this evolves into something that's long-term, you need to know that my heart is set on moving to the West Coast, letting people think, letting people know things upfront isn't necessarily um off-putting.
00:28:12 Courtney Brame: It can be, but if it's off-putting to them, then they're able to make a most informed decision. They can either look at that and go, "Oh, okay. Well, you know, I think that's something that we can visit when the conversation comes. Or they can be like, "No, I know that I'm going to stay here on the opposite coast and this just won't work out long-term. So, we can have fun together, but we know that this has an expiration date." Or you can even agree to um or you can agree to, you know, being open to something else that may happen. But I don't think that we should risk our open-mindedness and being open to things possibly changing because I think we deep down secretly are holding on to the potential of that being something that changes, circumstances changing. Yeah, anything can happen to change that person's mind about where they want to live. Um, but what happens if it doesn't and you were banking on it not changing?
00:29:20 Courtney Brame: So now you look up and two years later just like agreed upon where that person's like, "Hey, you know, it's time for me to go to the West Coast. I finally got the job offer I wanted." Blah, blah, blah. And now you over there looking silly because you didn't want to believe this person the first time they told you what they wanted. So deep down, like looking at these kinds of things, there may be more compatibilities, there may be more incompatibilities, but the only way to know is if we take our laser focus off of the weight of sex in our dating, in our relationships, and we place it on those things that actually mean more. Huh? Sex can mean a lot. I'm not going to sit up here and argue that. Um, but looking at it differently, sex shouldn't carry 100% of our focus to the point where we're just on a date blacked out like, "Oh my god, when am I going to disclose? When am I going to disclose?
00:30:13 Courtney Brame: When am I going to disclose?" Because people do that. People are on a date the whole time and they're not even on a date. They're in their head about when they're going to disclose because sex, right? You know what makes sex beautiful? When you can feel more safe with a person. Not just physical safety, but emotional safety. When you're able to connect with a person in their innermost being, when you get that niceness, that spirituality, you get that um that that down to earthness, intelligence, when you're able to more regularly connect with that, I think that sex becomes the peak of connection at that point. Or not the peak, I'm sorry. it becomes like the solidifier of it. Like in essence, not touching someone, you can experience all of these aspects of them and connect with them uh energetically. Our bodies are just kind of like the peak of the mountain because that is in fact as close as you can get to someone by merging with them or in same-sex relationships that there's no penetrator.
00:31:21 Courtney Brame: You know, just as close as you can by physical contact. So, what does it look like to have those energetic connections? What does it look like to connect with someone mentally and emotionally and then get to the point of physicality and be like, "Hey, now I got to I want to disclose this particular thing to you." But only after you disclose like here's the bottom line. Like, I am not okay from my last relationship and I've been looking for a therapist. this. I've been meaning to get one, but I haven't. So, there's some baggage there that may show up in our relationship, in our interactions. And then at that point, you're giving that person a choice. You are giving that person a choice on whether or not they want to. You're giving them the option of an informed decision on whether or not they want to put their emotional health into this. Not just physical health, their emotional health, their mental health, their spiritual health.
00:32:26 Courtney Brame: It's selfish not to disclose these kinds of things and slightly manipulative, but if we're so laser focused on when we're going to disclose herpes, we can't even see that for ourselves. We can't even see for ourselves that this other person may not be disclosing something to us. And then we look up and all of a sudden wonder why we got hurt so badly. And it's because all right, now that thing that we place so much value on, the sex is being taken away from us. So if we take, let's say, 100% of our focus is on when am I going to disclose because now it's really about the sex. Let's say we start to dissipate that number a little bit and we break it out into five things of equal value. So sex being one of them and also longevity of the relationship. How about sexual compatibility? How about you know how this person talks to the servers on the date?
00:33:19 Courtney Brame: Are they a social person? And are they decisive? So here we have five things that are not phys… well one's physical, but five things that all need to be analyzed and considered a form of disclosure because their behaviors and their actions are going to disclose to you the kind of person they are. People's actions are ongoing disclosures of the kind of person they are. We should not be so laser focused on our herpes disclosures. We just shouldn't because part of that too is that we're more concerned about passing it on or what they're going to think of us after we tell them that we don't even allow ourselves to see how they feel about it. Like, hey, you know, I'm so scared to pass this on to you. And more people than not, like I've heard from people, oh that's it. And maybe it's out of ignorance and ignorance is bliss, but they don't necessarily care all the time.
Identifying Core Values and Outro
00:34:33 Courtney Brame: They care that they are told. They want to know. You know, people asked, someone asked in um an SCI talk with Dr. Evelyn Decker, like as a person, if anyone's in here who doesn't have herpes, when would be the best time to disclose to you? If I'm somebody who doesn't have herpes, I want to know right away. You going to have to tell me right then and there. That's ideal for me to want to know so that then, you know, my having the weight of sex and sexual interactions there, I can make a most informed decision. But if I'm looking for more than that, if that's okay, well that's just 20%. You got herpes. All right. Well, we can work around that. How do you treat your exes? What's your relationship to your exes like? How do you handle uh when you see someone that wronged you out in public?
00:35:24 Courtney Brame: I want to know about your character. I want to know about your beliefs. I want to know about how you're handling any past traumas that you've been involved with. Tell me that. Show me that and I'mma show you that. And then by the end of whatever interaction that we're having, I'm going to hopefully be able to cap that off with us being able to connect physically and merge bodies and solidify the overall aspects of the attraction. So yeah, I mean we can have sex now, but like if that's going to be your intention, then disclose that upfront. Like here's what I got to disclose in relation to sex up front. What about you? And let that be the focal point if that's what the focal point is. But just be intentional about it. That's all I'm saying. Be intentional about that. But if you're legitimately uh you're dating and you're concerned about disclosing to a person simply because you actually like them and you're hopeful that the relationship's going to go somewhere, ask yourself, you know, herpes aside, would you even be in a room with that person?
00:36:33 Courtney Brame: Would you be dating that person? Would you have swiped on them if you didn't have herpes? Would you be even entertaining this f it wasn't for that? Just something to think about. Um, you can take whatever you will with that information, but I just thought that these were some very interesting touch points that were brought up, especially on attraction. Like, we should strive for being magnetic. I want people to see the values that I carry that align for me. Um, that makes me feel connected and connecting like a connection is my overarching goal in life is to feel connected to myself, connected to the world around me, connected to people. And one of the ways that I connect is sex. One of the ways that I connect is through continuing to provide whatever it is that I'm investing energetically to Something Positive for Positive People. These are things that make me feel connected because they align with my internal values, my innermost essence, core.
00:37:41 Courtney Brame: If I were to give it a name or give it words, it'd be evolution, peace, liberation. That's my identity. That's what I show to people. That's what people see in me. This is what makes me magnetic. So, what about you? Can you come up with three to five words that you choose to identify as that you want to tie your inner your um that you want to tie your identity to? Cuz I mean, yeah, yes, I also work out, but I'm very indifferent to what my body looks like. Um I'm busting my ass now in this uh T20 program or like at home uh workouts that are just different. And it's more so about the competition because it's challenging. So, this aligns with my non-physical trait of competitiveness. I am competitive and that's been sparked in me and it hasn't been before. So, like I want to finish.
00:38:36 Courtney Brame: I want to do something. I want to see it through to the end. I want to see what the progress looks like. I want to know what I feel like. If I have a six-pack abs, like I got abs now, I just don't have a six-pack. Um, so maybe I'll be a little bit more physically attractive to where I can welcome in more people to see the peace, evolution, and liberation that I identify with inside of me that can't be seen. So yeah, figure those things out for yourself like what what are you bringing to the table in that sense of your identity? What are you looking for in other people in that sense in their identity? And then you can still get laid, you can still have sex. Just don't put so much weight onto the disclosure. And then just practice. Like don't let every disclosure be a high-risk disclosure.
00:39:30 Courtney Brame: You can hop on online dating naps right now when you match with people and have conversations. Just practice. Practice like finding a way to bring it up right away. Practice finding a way to sneak it in conversation. find a way to just get comfortable with sharing that with another person. Get the experience because it's going to be helpful. But this is something that dissipates the uh symptoms of disclosure internally for us. Just practice. All right. Then um yeah, don't forget about the surveys. I am creating those. Um hopefully we can have those linked in the show notes somewhere to where you can easily access it. I am putting this together for the sake of providing 2021 data for people with herpes. And this is information from people with herpes for people with herpes by people with herpes. And we are the resource.
00:40:25 Courtney Brame: We are the research. I will preach that till I'm blue in the face. We are. And so it's important that we get taken seriously in that way. So, uh, I put my team of people together who are going to help me and support me in getting this created, and it'll serve as something useful to you for your disclosures. It's not, uh, anything that's going to cost. I'm putting the time into it myself, and I just so happen to be blessed with people around me who have the means of making this come together, and they're volunteering their time to support me throughout it as well. So, continue to like, rate, review, subscribe to Something Positive for Positive People. Till next time. Stay sex positive. Oh s***. And donate, donate, donate, please. www.spfpp.org. We're always accepting donations to connect people who are struggling with herpes stigma to a sex positive therapist and other mental health resources.
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