SPFPP 412: What’s the Best That Can Happen

Are you letting the fear of rejection keep you from experiencing genuine connection? Broadcasting from the Black Yoga Teachers Alliance Conference, Courtney Brame takes a moment to celebrate a massive milestone: the 9-year anniversary of the Something Positive for Positive People podcast!

In this deeply reflective solo episode, Courtney tackles the intense anxiety surrounding herpes disclosures and dating initiation. We spend so much energy agonizing over the worst-case scenarios, but what if you flipped the script and asked yourself, "What's the best that can happen?" Courtney shares recent personal stories of pushing past his own fears of initiation to find profound connection, unexpected healing, and beautiful new friendships. He explains why our fear of disclosure is often a disguised fear of vulnerability, success, and true intimacy.

Plus, Courtney shares major organizational updates, including details on the final Herpes Stigma Expo in NYC, setting firm energetic and financial boundaries for support calls, and why he needs YOU to be the next guest on the podcast. Stop rejecting yourself, let people surprise you, and let the best happen.

Links & Resources Mentioned:

• Subscribe to the SPFPP Newsletter

• Get Tickets for the final NYC Expo (Aug 29)

• Request a Support Call or Join a Group

SPFPP Episode 412 - Transcript

00:00:03

Courtney Brame: Welcome to episode 412 of Something Positive for Positive People. Uh coming to you live from my hotel with the freaky ass bed frame in uh Colombia, Maryland. not finding out that uh the DMV, Washington DC, Arlington, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Colombia, and I think it's another one like is is is very interested being in this little area. I tried to meet up with some people and I I didn't realize how close it was until I got here and pulled it up on Google Maps.

00:00:37

Courtney Brame: Uh so yeah, I'm here for the Black Yoga Teachers Alliance Conference, which usually meets um every other year. It's a bianual conference and I got to be around so many dope black yogis and it was incredible. There can be more of us definitely. Um, but it was nice to just be here. So, I I ain't got to talk about all of that right now.

00:00:59

Courtney Brame: I want to get right into the podcast episode. So, yeah. Um, I already came up with the title for this. I I made an outline. Shout out to Google Gemini for helping me with that is I was able to just ramble my thoughts and then say hey I want it in this kind of an order and here we are.

00:01:15

Courtney Brame: So this episode is titled what's the best that can happen. A lot of times we think about what's the worst that can happen but we never really ask ourselves like what's the best possible outcome that we can get from a situation specifically speaking to telling someone that we have herpes or sharing uh that in a conversation. and I had a couple of experiences over the weekend that are top of mind that I think are really helpful to be able to share here and speak to.

00:01:44

Courtney Brame: So, I want to also real quick just announce I missed the I missed my 9-year anniversary of the Something Positive for Positive People podcast. July 28th, 2017 was when the first episode was published. Um, that was episode one with Amy. Shout out to Amy. It's been nine years. I still remember the the feeling of hitting record and sitting down with her in my Chevy Malibu on the side of the road in St. Charles, Missouri.

00:02:18

Courtney Brame: Hit record. You hear the mosquitoes and the crickets in the background and how she pulled out those yellow sheets of paper and was reading from it. She had all these notes and just the feeling of of laughing and crying and being angry together. And that's really what this has been about, right? Having a place of presence to be able to not just witness someone in their diagnosis, but to be witness in yours.

00:02:48

Courtney Brame: And I'll speak to this following my outline, but I think that that's really what the healing of this years. You don't get to a place where you're healed. Even me, like I'm still healing. I'm still learning things about myself and how stigma shows up for me in my interactions with people that maybe doesn't even have anything to do with herpes directly.

00:03:12

Courtney Brame: But I know that I often times talk myself out of doing things in the same way that I say,"Hey, you know, you shouldn't talk yourself out of uh going on a date or talk yourself out of initiating a conversation about your sexual health with people." Uh, so that's that's really what this podcast episode is going to be about is me speaking to some of those experiences.

00:03:34

Courtney Brame: All right, so congratulations, Courtney. Congratulations, y'all. Congratulations to all of the guests that we've had. Congratulations to all of the guests we will have. Congratulations to everybody who's listening. This is nine years. This is nine years. It was July 28th, 2017, according to AI and Google, that the first episode was published.

00:03:57

Courtney Brame: I ain't had it in me to scroll all the way back to see when. And I also no longer have that podcast hosting platform uh to be able to see when that was posted. So, it actually might have been earlier than that. No, because Podbean was the first one I used and now I post directly through Spotify for creators.

00:04:13

Courtney Brame: So, shout out to that. Um, so yeah, as far as the thing goes, there's so much energy that's given to obsessing over a worst case scenario, but it's so easy to flip that into obsessing over what best case scenarios can look like, especially when we're disclosing our herpes status or initiating that discussion. And I I like to say that I see now that there's an an inherent fear of connecting because the pursuit of connection is oftentimes what got us herpes in the first place.

00:04:52

Courtney Brame: So while yeah we want sex, but why do we want sex? Oftentimes to feel connected. And so it's the pursuit of that connection. Like it's easier to ask for sex than it is to ask for connection. It's easier to ask for sex than it is to ask for vulnerability than it is to ask for somebody to see you, for somebody to hold you, for than it is for you to just share like,"Hey, I'm feeling low and I need I need a burst of energy.

00:05:17

Courtney Brame: Like, I just need some motivation. I need to be plugged into or you know, hey, I got all this going on. I'm hyper. I need to distract myself. I need to plug into and ground These are very vulnerable things. And it's also vulnerable because the last time that many of us would have done that, if you're, you know, newly diagnosed and you see like you've recently been um exposed to herpes, then it's like, wow, the last time I got connection,

00:05:49

Courtney Brame: this happened. So now when I pursue connection, this is going to happen to someone else. And I believe that that's like the underlying theme of the way that we are feeling about pursuing relationships, pursuing dating, pursuing sex. So, I'm I'm hoping that in sharing the experience that I've had, the experiences that I've had, that this just gives you a frame of reference to be able to broaden your scope a little bit more uh compared to what

00:06:16

Courtney Brame: you had previously. All right, so let's talk about the the these limitations of imagination. I love these little outlines that they got for it, right? So yes, there is a fear of telling someone that we have herpes because of this outcome of rejection. No one's thrown a drink in my face. No one's gone to the internet and been like,"Oh my god, this dude tagged me in it and been like told me he has herpes." I would love for somebody to do

00:06:41

Courtney Brame: that. I would love for somebody to promote this because y'all ain't telling people. So, if I tell somebody who is deathly afraid of getting herpes or if they're just like,"Oh my god, like, yo, this guy told me he had herpes and he runs this nonprofit and d I would love that." But you wouldn't because of the association that you have with

00:07:05

Courtney Brame: your herpes status and your diagnosis. So, I I get it. I completely understand. But I say that to say that the worst thing that could happen to me for telling somebody that I have herpes that you imagine happening for yourself hasn't happened in the nine years that I've been podcasting. Nor has it happened in the 13 years that I've been diagnosed with herpes.

00:07:27

Courtney Brame: So if this is something that has not happened, why are you afraid of that happening? And for me, my worst fear was like someone being like,"It'll get the f*** away from me and throwing a drink in my face." That still hasn't happened. I can't get somebody to role play doing that. I I uh shout out to Lena who's on an upcoming podcast.

00:07:45

Courtney Brame: I told her I was like,"Hey, yeah, we should do this thing where you reject me and it's the worst thing." And she was like,"Oh my god, I can't do that." And I'm like,"God damn it. I can't even get somebody to act this out and make this thing happen." So that's how unlikely that is to happen to me.

00:08:01

Courtney Brame: And I'm gonna say that because I think it's important based on who I am, based on how I've shown up, my track record, I've become the kind of person who maybe these kinds of things just don't happen to. So if you're the kind of person that these things happen to, what else is there that's happening underneath that? We got to look at that.

00:08:20

Courtney Brame: What happens if you become the kind of person who envisions, okay, best case scenario, right, is I tell someone and we have a lovely time together and we connect even if that connection does not look like a sexual connection. If my penis does not go into this woman's orififices then and we still connect, that's the vulnerability I believe that has to be extended.

00:08:48

Courtney Brame: That's what I think that a lot of times we're afraid of. We're afraid of that connection and that vulnerability that Oh, I ain't got my shirt. There we go. We're afraid of that vulnerability that comes with the pursuit of connection. If you're really going to connect with somebody like very superficially, like sex is everywhere.

00:09:07

Courtney Brame: You pull out your phone, unless you in like Missouri or in the south somewhere and you can't get p******, sex is literally in your phone. Sex is a swipe away from someone. If you are remotely attractive enough, even if you're not, you can find sex. I don't think that's what we want. I think we want what we believe we get out of sex.

00:09:27

Courtney Brame: And a lot of times it's the the intimacy. It's what I think people get from being around and seeing people who mirror them or even are willing to challenge them. For some people, that's even vulnerable. When you bring your radical truth to somebody and they're able to just hold that unfazed, that s*** is attractive. And not only is it attractive, but it's connecting.

00:09:52

Courtney Brame: Like you feel like you can safely plug into a person and give without being taken from. You can have another person plug into you and receive without taking. These are best case scenarios. What if you find somebody that's safe for you to exchange that that plugging into mutually and be able to cycle and reciprocate energy in the way that we only really know to get through sex.

00:10:19

Courtney Brame: Now, I'm not saying don't have sex. Sex is incredible. Sex is amazing. Sex, especially, you know, when everybody is plugging in and the energy's aligned and the, you know, the calibrations are made aware of. Awesome. But, oh s***, I'm stayed on this one too long. I got a time limit.

00:10:38

Courtney Brame: So, I got to I got to move through. And there might be moments where I don't get to elaborate as much, but I got to tell the experiences here. So yeah, if you tell someone and you don't get rejected, I think that's what we more afraid of. And this is maybe even a projection for me because I think that I've historically been afraid of success more than failure.

00:10:59

Courtney Brame: I'm very familiar with being rejected. I'm very familiar with failure. But what happens if I get that grant? What happened? I've gotten grants and on the other side of it, they came with a lot of s*** that I also that I didn't want. I've gotten a girl and that s*** came with a lot of s*** that I didn't want.

00:11:18

Courtney Brame: I've gotten the acceptance. I've gotten the connections, the friendships, and a lot of times it's come with a lot of things that I didn't want. And you know what? I'm going to just go ahead and say it like that intentionality is so important because intentionality isn't just about like what you say yes to. It's also what you say no to.

00:11:37

Courtney Brame: And a lot of times we'll say yes to everything and not say no to the things that come with that or negotiate them in a way where it aligns with the overall yes. Like a lot of m************ dating go for the I'm not going to go there. The real life uh results. So with my experience It's um I made a friend and I I I've talked myself out of approaching women, talking to women uh because of not wanting to inconvenience them or like thinking about the experiences that I've heard women share online about guys like talking to them.

00:12:15

Courtney Brame: Oh, I'm I'm here for this. I'm doing this thing. I'm walking down the street. I'm looking at my phone. Don't talk to me. Ew. And I had to realize I'm not that kind of n**** that a lot of women don't want talking to them. Like it's it's the in the approach.

00:12:30

Courtney Brame: It's in the presentation. Like essentially being uh weird isn't the word cuz I think I'm weird. Like I'm I'm a weird person. And so that weird energy, let me use creepy or sneaky or inconsistent instead. I think those are better words where the body language and the words aren't matching. Women are very attuned to this and pick up on that s*** in their nervous system.

00:12:55

Courtney Brame: I'm talking like I know this s***. Like I I only been saying how I'm Courtney since two support groups ago when one of the ladies pointed something out to me. She pointed this out to me and then everybody else just kind of like oh I want to say like like just gave me some feedback. Yes, that's what it was.

00:13:12

Courtney Brame: I got feedback and since taking that feedback I'm like damn is this easy? And so there was someone who was doing something cool and I made a comment about it just like starting a conversation. It wasn't a long conversation but she looked like do not f****** bother me. And in that conversation it wasn't really a conversation.

00:13:30

Courtney Brame: I got to stop saying that in that extension for connection because I've reframed my um my approaches or my initiations as invitations to play, right? So, you say something that's playful, funny, whatever. Uh could be flirty and it's the the back and forth, the the banter of it, right? If you extend that and it falls flat, leave it alone.

00:13:58

Courtney Brame: If you extend that and it's fed into, see where it goes. Just play it until, you know, somebody drops a ball and they're over it. And that's been the mindset that I've adopted for this thing that I used to always talk myself out of. Like, oh, she don't want to be talked to. Leave her alone.

00:14:13

Courtney Brame: Don't don't even bother, right? But that's not what people want. And oftent times, like in that mindset, like I'll not even look at a person and miss whatever hint that they offer for me to approach. So in that conversation um in that conversation I keep saying it in that initiation there was just a little back and forth and then we parted ways.

00:14:35

Courtney Brame: And so uh later on in the day uh I caught her walking because this is at uh the conference and caught her walking and heard her uh I overheard her share that she was headed in a particular direction and I was looking up Ubers because I was about to hit the wait and save and drop that 70 $80 and get the Uber ride out to where I needed to go.

00:14:57

Courtney Brame: And so I just asked. I was like,"Hey, you going in this direction? Did I hear you say that?" She's like,"Yeah, I'm going home. I live out that way." I was like,"May I please ride with you out there so that I can go to this this dance thing?" And she was like,"Yeah, sure. Come on." I was like,

00:15:11

Courtney Brame: "Oh, all right. Bet." So, we got our things together and um hopped in the car, went got gas, and we had a long car ride. So, we talked we talked a lot. We talked about how we got into uh yoga, our spiritual practices, and you know, I shared, you know, this is what I do, this is how I use yoga.

00:15:29

Courtney Brame: Like, it's vulnerable for me to say as a yoga instructor that I don't teach yoga. Like that's a thing that I have like I ain't gonna say shame around, but it's like damn, you know, I have the privilege of being a yoga instructor and I'm not teaching yoga classes, but I damn sure utilize yoga in the support groups and the one-on-one calls for myself to be the kind of person who can show up and offer support in the way that it is needed uh from a place of grounded presence.

00:15:56

Courtney Brame: So it was in this conversation, now it's a conversation because we're in the car together, we riding and, you know, I invited her to come to the dance. She was like,"No, I'm going to do this instead." So throughout the course of just like talking and being myself and her, you know, feeling a little more safe to be herself, um, she shares some things with me, uh, some very like cool and vulnerable things.

00:16:19

Courtney Brame: And she was like,"Hey, well, I'm going to, if you want, you can order your Uber from the restaurant. I'm going to go get food at this place. Would you like to eat with me?" I was like,"Hell yeah, I want to eat with you." Like, I'm loving the conversation and I'm also hungry. So, um, we have a meal together.

00:16:35

Courtney Brame: And of all places, you would never catch me at a vegan restaurant. I went to a vegan bakery in St. Louis very recently. Very recently, but you won't see me getting food at a vegan place. I did get the cinnamon roll. Cinnamon roll was fire in St. Louis. Shout out to Sweet Art Bakery.

00:16:50

Courtney Brame: Um, and as we were sitting and we were talking, like she shared some vulnerable things with me. I ain't gonna get into it. Um, and she also shared like she listened to me and it it's different. Like y'all listen to me in the sense of you hear me on this podcast, you listen to what I say, sometimes you take action on it.

00:17:13

Courtney Brame: But I recognized that this older wise black woman older than my mom had the energy of my grandmother. Grandmother is now uh RIP Fanny. Uh my great-grandmother had passed away. Um her funeral was August 5th uh this year. And so now I feel like, you know, I got two um wise black women that are watching over me and like speaking to me in the ways that they do.

00:17:51

Courtney Brame: And this felt like one of them. I didn't tell her this cuz I I don't know that that would have required a lot more conversation than what we would have had time for. But she spoke to me about uh like divine masculine, divine feminine, and like how that that balance of the feminine in men or in masculine people is really what creates the container cuz like she was like, I I don't let go.

00:18:18

Courtney Brame: Well, she said that about herself. She was like, I'm I'm controlling. Like she let me drive her car, which was a wild thing for her. Uh let me drive. She uh let me dance with her because she also had t she also decided that she was feeling like yeah I'll go out and dance with you and so we went we danced um I got to show her a little bit of the steps like

00:18:39

Courtney Brame: I again I've only been doing Zuk for a year and so uh some of the uh other people that were there like were able to give her a much an experience. I'm not going to like downplay myself and what I know but they were able to give her their experience as well. And as we were talking, like she healed some s***.

00:19:01

Courtney Brame: She healed some s*** that I've been holding on to for a minute. Like in the few hours that we spent together, this woman healed parts of myself that I don't think I've been able to put verbiage to. Um, I've not been able to put language to like the things that I've held on to and like how in none of my relationships, none, there are no relationships that I've had with women that I called my girlfriend where they spoke life into

00:19:29

Courtney Brame: me and the way that this woman was able to in the hour and a half that we were eating dinner in the 45 minute to an hour car ride of just dialogue and conversation. And I no longer feel bad for my relationships ending because they weren't aligned. And now like to know that, you know, this kind of feeling of being heard, being listened to, being like actually listened to and responded to, right?

00:19:58

Courtney Brame: Like this was a very healthy emotional experience and exchange that I had with somebody. And like I said, like I'm always listened to as a f****** authority figure. I don't think I said that. But I don't know why I said, like I said, I'm always seen as a f****** authority figure. I'm put on this pedestal.

00:20:14

Courtney Brame: There's no room for me to be able to say I don't know. There's no room for me to be wrong. There's no room for me to change my mind about things. And to have been like just received and to have had that the verbiage, the language, the communication, the way that this woman spoke to me.

00:20:35

Courtney Brame: all like this is on the other side of my fear of rejection. Like when you see somebody with rest and b**** face and you come at them wrong or you uh come at them when it's not convenient for them, they might just turn you down. And for me, like I just said something led to a conversation. Then I made a big ass ask of,"Hey, can I ride with you? You don't know me,

00:20:57

Courtney Brame: but can I ride with you to this thing? here for this common reason, but can I ride with you? And then it turned into this conversation. It turned into uh a friendship. It turned into a connection. It turned into vulnerability. And that's what I have looked for from sex that because I don't know how to ask for it, but that this isn't really something that you ask for either.

00:21:22

Courtney Brame: It just happens. we want to feel connected to. We want to be connected to. We want to be loved. We want to be experienced. We want to be able to express ourselves and be real. Be really who we are. We want to plug in and be plugged into.

00:21:36

Courtney Brame: And that was an experience where the plugging into was mutually. It wasn't a physical plugging into, but it was an energetic plugging into. And we got to like calibrate. All energy seeks to balance itself out, right? So maybe I was grounded and maybe she was like feeling more tamasic or like more um like she needed more stillness or that's what she was geared towards and my groundedness just like brought her to baseline because I was ready to go out.

00:22:08

Courtney Brame: I was ready to go get my Zuko. Uh and yeah, especially in a new place, I dance so well when I don't know people there. I don't know what it is, but when I'm in New York, I'm like,"Oh s***." Uh, you know, this is the person I danced with a year ago who probably still thinks I'm I suck and doesn't want to dance with me anymore, but I'll f****** improve and I'm excited about that.

00:22:29

Courtney Brame: Uh, I'm getting sidetracked again. So, all that to say, like, and she bought me dinner. That's another thing. I didn't expect any of this s***. I was not attached to the outcome of anything. It was just an initiation of,"Hi, I'm Courtney. I like this. Made this observation and it led to me getting a ride that saved me $100.

00:22:52

Courtney Brame: Some food that saved me about $40 and we got the you know what the the the the appetizer that we got was vegan and that m*********** was fine. So I gota I gotta give you that. Uh y'all vegans might be on to some stuff. Um and it led to this conversation. It led to some healing.

00:23:08

Courtney Brame: It led to some dancing. She came and danced. I made a friend. I introduced her to some people in the community that I had, you know, connected with uh in the past. and it was beyond my expectations. So, you telling me that you're letting your desire for sex keep you from having these kinds of possibilities of an experience?

00:23:31

Courtney Brame: What if you do tell someone early on, hey, by the way, you know, just so you know, I got herpes. D, you know, if that's cool for you, cool. Um, and if it's not, no worries. Like, we can talk about it. But I just felt like I needed to tell you that at the beginning of the date.

00:23:45

Courtney Brame: Uh, so let's let's just go have fun. I needed to get that off my chest so that I can be present. What happens if you share it that way? But for my in my case, this wasn't obviously this wasn't dating, but we just like connected and I got so much more out of that from being vulnerable.

00:24:03

Courtney Brame: My vulnerability, not my herping status, but my vulnerability of fearing that, you know, I'm going to inconvenience someone or that I'm uh I'm not worth someone's time as a message. So yeah, I I that happened and then when I went dancing like I was dancing with somebody and we had a conversation and eventually you know the what do you do came up and I was like oh I'm here for the conference.

00:24:28

Courtney Brame: Uh I I don't teach yoga but I use it in my nonprofit. What's your nonprofit? I support people who are navigating herpes statement. Oh tell me more about that. Well this is what I found. This is why I do it. Oh, I have that, too. And here's been my experience.

00:24:45

Courtney Brame: And that didn't stop us from dancing. We kept dancing. We talked a little bit more. She shared some personal things that were going on with her that were to me bigger than herpes. And I think to her, too, because that that s*** was real. When she shared that, I was like,"Okay, all right. That's I mean,

00:25:01

Courtney Brame: I was unfased because I hear a lot of, you know, wild s***." But I was like,"Damn, you don't carry it that way. You don't carry it like you going through some s***. And I think that everybody probably is carrying something that we have no idea about and they're just looking for, not looking for, but like they've given up on being able to find or connect with people who can share that load with them, who can plug into them and and give them, you know, the strength from a place of giving for them to receive or for them to be able to plug into people

00:25:38

Courtney Brame: where, you know, that that have excess. Like some of us are running on fumes. And it takes for us to be grounded at our individual baseline. Knowing who you are, your identity, where your beliefs and behaviors are aligned and you're calibrated to where someone who has excess energy can ground with you or someone who has minimal energy can, you know, increase to where you are without you feeling drained or taken from or without you receiving that excitement

00:26:04

Courtney Brame: and losing your s***. All right. So, boom. Uh I think I talked about this here but I um in different words I want to just name that your openness doesn't need to be like my openness. I do this this is my f****** career. This is a this is a nonprofit. It's a business.

00:26:26

Courtney Brame: This is what I do. And I want to shout out the uh executive dire former executive director of the Black Yoga Teachers Alliance, uh Jana Long, who she resigned uh last night at the annual meeting that we had. And she shared that her yoga has become work and a business and her yoga personally had been compromised. And when she said that, I felt like I felt that.

00:26:54

Courtney Brame: And I never want for this to take away from what my practice is. Like I feel like this is my I think the word is dharma. Like my my my sense of purpose like I'm I'm walking in it. I'm doing it. And I think that I have a fear of receiving from it. I'll give to it all day.

00:27:13

Courtney Brame: But the vulnerability and receiving and the feminine, right, that's a challenge for me. And I've put things in place now to where I I I've been put in circumstances where I have to receive. Like I I got to now. And I had I I that's another podcast episode, but I have to do that. Like it ain't it ain't a choice anymore, right?

00:27:39

Courtney Brame: Uh this is something that I feel like I have to do. So your openness doesn't have to look like mine in the sense of sharing with the world that you have herpes. If you do, you'll be met with many more people who also have it, I'm sure, who reach out to you privately, who probably never tell anyone, who've never shared that with anyone.

00:27:56

Courtney Brame: But your extension, it's almost like you put out, you know, a big ass field of energy and you're like,"Hey people, come connect with me if on this if you want to." And boom, you get people that share. Oh, I got that s***, too. You want to talk? Let's go out. Let's hook up.

00:28:12

Courtney Brame: Whatever you want might be on the other side of that. So, um, yeah, I'm finding that herpes is common in my everyday life. I'm not going out and like creating herpes faces, bringing people in and being like,"Yeah, everybody here has herpes." No, I'm going dancing. I'm going to dinner. I'm going to yoga.

00:28:32

Courtney Brame: I'm doing the things that I enjoy. I can't wait to go to anime thing and like end up somebody telling me,"Well, Courtney, you know, before we go back to my place, I just want to let you know I got herpes." I can't wait for that kind of thing to happen. But it ain't happened yet. So, uh, I think, uh, it's more important that we prioritize presence over acceptance.

00:28:53

Courtney Brame: I don't know that we're we're seeking acceptance from people. What we're looking for is that presence that I spoke about. And a lot of times we associate vulnerability with a weakness. Like, all right, I got herpes. I'm weak. My body is weak. Why can't I fight this thing? Why?

00:29:09

Courtney Brame: Why do I have this? Why? Why me? And we view that from a lens of being weak. our immune system being weak, who we are being weak, and now like having to share this thing, weakness being seen as less than. So now I'm less of a person. I'm less likely to be someone that you would want to explore intimacy with.

00:29:30

Courtney Brame: But on the other side of that, you flip that s*** on its head and it's a strength because it's a vulnerability. It's a connection point for other people's perceived weaknesses to be met with your perceived weakness. And you can draw the strength out of that. you can see that within one another. So that's that these are very very important things y'all.

00:29:51

Courtney Brame: We got to stop looking at it in that way. And yeah, going back to what I said previously, in seeking connection, We got herpes, but we didn't know we were seeking connection. We thought we were seeking sex. But the reality is like we're at a place where people people are looking for connection in whatever way they can get it.

00:30:14

Courtney Brame: And I'm going be honest, like in my own experience, the only way that I think that I've known connection prior to dance, I'm 37, I'll be 38 in November. That connection seeking was sex. like I couldn't connect if it wasn't for my penis. And then I learned other means of connection like dance. I was talking to somebody about this um how what dancing feels like to me is it feels like the same feeling that I hope to get out of having sex.

00:30:41

Courtney Brame: And I don't always get that feeling from having sex. I have not historically always gotten that feeling from having sex. When you ask someone to dance, boom, you initiate it. When they say yes, you're on the dance floor. Now it's you, that person, the music, and the moves that y'all make. Call in and response.

00:30:58

Courtney Brame: I'm inviting you to do this. You're doing that. Oh, you like that thing. That was pretty. I want to experience more of that beauty. And that dance is essentially what happens in sex. I give you dick. You give me responses. And like it's a repetitive thing.

00:31:10

Courtney Brame: We're cycling the energy. We hit peaks. We hit exaggerations of the experiences with our bodies, with the energy, with the emotions, how it feels. And then when we're done, whatever happens after we're done, we're done. And that that portion of the dance is over. But also, I think a lot of times like how dance closes with thank you.

00:31:30

Courtney Brame: We part ways and then that's dance. A lot of people have this like, but wait, we're still we're still dancing. What are you doing dance with other people? No, don't dance with anybody else. You're my dance partner. And that kind of attachment is something that I think happens in sex or someone's just like, man, this is uh like you're dancing with yourself.

00:31:51

Courtney Brame: Whole another conversation that's not in the notes. That's not in the notes, Courtney, but I feel like I need to round that out. Yeah. The thing that happens to me like that and that connection of it's clearly communicated. We're dancing together. All right. When we're done, we're done. When one of us are done, we're done.

00:32:09

Courtney Brame: and there's no hard feelings. Find your next dance partner and the dance might be different. And I think that that connection that that metaphorically in the sense of connection is what it is that we're looking for. We danced with somebody and there was something about that dance that we held on to or that held on to us and we look at it as, you know, having herpes, but like in connecting with someone, getting to know them,

00:32:37

Courtney Brame: there's not always the risk of you leaving them with herpes. They also might already have it. And the connection point of what herpes represents is a vulnerability. Everybody has a vulnerability. At least by f****** the age you are at the point of listening to this podcast. Everyone's been through something vulnerable and maybe perceives it as a weakness.

00:32:58

Courtney Brame: And we connect. weakness to weakness or insecurity to insecurity. And it's not the fact that we have the insecurity, it's how we carry it. The way that I carry my herpes diagnosis is significantly different than I carried it than how I carried it when I was first diagnosed. And it was a different kind of vulnerability at the time versus now.

00:33:20

Courtney Brame: Like it's a vulnerability that s*** like it gives me energy. It fuels my baseline. like this is part of my baseline now. It doesn't drain me anymore. In fact, like I would argue that s***, if I lean too much into it, I get too much energy. So, uh yeah, these are that okay, I did speak to this already.

00:33:46

Courtney Brame: So yeah, it's that fear of connection again because that extension for connection came with a herpes diagnosis at one point and we fear being that person now. And we're missing out on connecting in general. Like we value sex. There is nothing wrong with valuing sex a lot. I love sex. I love that I value sex.

00:34:08

Courtney Brame: It's incredible. It's awesome. But like that's not all there is. There is conversation, there is dance, there is like hugs, there is uh being seen, there is creating and doing whatever it is that you do, being experienced, expressing yourself, experiencing someone else, having experiences that are shared and co-created. It's all of that. But I think that the herpes thing keeps us locked in not only to our sexuality, but just to intercourse in general.

00:34:41

Courtney Brame: All right. So, I spoke to my experiences, the healing. Oh, I already talked about this. Yeah. So, yeah, that lady spoke life into me. I mentioned my grandmother's now. Um, cuz this was my dad's grandmother who had recently passed and his mom who uh really contributed to me being here.

00:34:59

Courtney Brame: But the best way that I can describe the feeling that I had was just that they were like,"Keep going." My ancestors just been like,"Courtney, keep going. Keep doing what you doing. Keep going, grandson." And so that was very unexpected healing for me. Um because I did something that I tell y'all to do that I used to never do which is like f*** a rejection.

00:35:21

Courtney Brame: I I'm I reframed my thoughts about approach and having the anxiety about just initiating a conversation with someone that I find interesting. You know, it wasn't necessarily She's beautiful, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't like I was saying anything to her in order to like hit on her or anything like that. It was just, damn, I see this thing you're doing.

00:35:41

Courtney Brame: That's cool. I'm Courtney. Talk conversation. Boom. Ask for what I needed. Everything was direct communication. And I think that the inconsistencies of communication in the past of like if I do see someone who's attractive and I do want to have sex with her or I am like interested in you know getting to that place ain't no in between Like are we filling in the in between with and what's the the like next step?

00:36:03

Courtney Brame: What's my reason? Even if the reason is, hey, I think you're attractive and I would love to take you out and get to know you and work up to a place of hooking up. Maybe that'll work for me. I ain't never tried that before, but even that, right? But I conquered my fear of rejection in the sense of being told,"Ew, n****, get out of my face." That that that literally has never happened now that I'm thinking about it.

00:36:28

Courtney Brame: No one has ever like just f****** cold rejected me in that way. You know, they might smile, walk off, maybe not say anything, but the rejections are never like that painful. So, I got the healing. Um, and then, okay, this I'm going to be quick, but uh I got to present our experiences because that's what this is.

00:36:50

Courtney Brame: It's a collective of people's lived experiences with herpes. I got to bring this to the Black Yoga Teachers Alliance conference. I present it. Yay. go me and it's the first time I've ever presented anything like this to this space and so the whole thing was about uh identity validation and you know how I mentioned that when people with herpes you know get diagnosed our we lock into our sexuality and our identities become fragmented.

00:37:15

Courtney Brame: So, I offered a meditation practice that the yoga teachers there would be able to take and apply for themselves uh to their students if they're dealing with someone who's navigating stigma. And there was this ripple effect where I did the meditation and usually I do it with people who have herpes and the meditation people come out of it and they feel what stigma feels like.

00:37:39

Courtney Brame: And when I did it here, people felt like calm and peaceful and and grounded. And I was like, how the f***? That's that wasn't the intention. So it was like the opposite impact on people who utilize the practices that I do and I'm telling people to do. And so I had this aha moment of, oh, they're at the place that I want people to be at.

00:37:59

Courtney Brame: So for me, the idea was to show them what stigma feels like to a stigmatized person. And so I had to speak to it a little more. But when we look at our different identities, the yogi, the grounded yogi has a grounded perspective on their identities. Whereas the person who's newly diagnosed, who's disregulated for, you know, in whatever capacity, they don't have that language.

00:38:20

Courtney Brame: They don't have access to that groundedness. And so what came up, I was like, well, you know, give me some examples of stigma that you all have faced. Someone talked about hiding uh pancreatic cancer. Someone uh talked about a past act of abu of abuse. Someone talked about, you know, being a product of their hometown.

00:38:40

Courtney Brame: Someone talked about, you know, being a black man yoga teacher in a fully white yoga class. Someone talked about being a victim. And these are all different aspects of identity fragmentation, which is what stigma does. It fragments. It fragments identity. So the lesson here was just that It can happen to anybody.

00:39:00

Courtney Brame: Herpes or no herpes, right? Like stigma, a mark of or attribute that makes a person feel less than all of these. And it's not just exclusively to herpes. So you may have herpes and any of those things, but put more value on herpes because of your relationship to sex versus connection versus intimacy. So all I want to say y'all is let people surprise you.

00:39:28

Courtney Brame: What's the best that can happen? You got my experiences now. What are yours? And I'd be interested like if you can please share with me like what are what are some of the positive outcomes that you've had? What are some of the best case scenarios that have happened to you as you've gone through and shared your vulnerabilities with people?

00:39:49

Courtney Brame: What's happened on the other side of that? Um yeah, what's the best that can happen? So that that's it for the episode. I wanted to save the announcements for the end here. We got the expo on Saturday, which is 6 days from the release of this episode. The support calls are now $75.

00:40:09

Courtney Brame: Yes, you heard right. Every the support calls are $75. The support groups are now $25 per session that you want to attend. There is a newsletter. You really should be subscribed to it. I send out one a month. And then uh I need to talk about the podcast guest shifts.

00:40:27

Courtney Brame: Uh we have our six uh fifth Monday uh support group meeting. That's Monday, August 31st. We have a sex therapist there. I'm going to talk about that and then I'm going to let this I'm I'mma close out because I got to get downstairs for the conference. But yeah, going into the detail of those.

00:40:43

Courtney Brame: The New York City Something Positive for Positive People Expo is happening Saturday, August 29th. Um it's going to be on the sixth floor of the venue. You'll get the address once you register. If you have registered and you've not heard from me, there are people who put the wrong email address in or there's a typo in your email address.

00:41:04

Courtney Brame: I have no way of contacting you. Please contact me if you hear this. And if you are signing up for something, please make sure that you put the right email address in, y'all. Right now, there are 25 people that we are expecting to have at the event. Uh, I anticipate that we'll have probably 40 total or 50 that sign up over the next week.

00:41:24

Courtney Brame: I'm going to send out one more newsletter update uh and let people know like this is what we're doing. Um, there will be yoga support group socializing workshop. We might have to drop the role play. I wasn't able to get the I was I'm not able to get people unless y'all show up and spontaneously want to do this thing.

00:41:43

Courtney Brame: I just don't I don't see it happening. It's hard to get people to do the role plays of, you know, talking about sexual health. And um also wasn't able to get the scripts approved fast enough and we just don't have time to prep people. Um, and yeah, so that's the event. The support groups being $75 right now.

00:42:05

Courtney Brame: We normally have 60 people sign up on average per month, then only 15 to 25 show up. I can't keep chasing people down. And the process is as clear as day on the website. Most people follow the process. And what I find is that the people who do donate more money, these are the people who show up.

00:42:24

Courtney Brame: And I also need to mention the I'm I love that therapists are telling people to check out a support group. I love this. Please don't stop doing this. Okay. As a person whose set to come check out a support group, I need I need a little bit more from you. I've talked to too many people recently who they show up on a support call and they don't want to be there.

00:42:51

Courtney Brame: They're there because their therapist told them that they should check it out. I ask people,"Okay, well, what do you want out of a support group?" I don't know. Okay. What do you hope to get out of this call? I don't know. Okay. Now, I got to ask questions and we're eating up the time that we have where I'm asking questions and I'm trying to learn about you, but also you don't know me and you haven't checked out any of the other something positive for positive people things.

00:43:13

Courtney Brame: So, if I'm coming at you as I am, this can be off-putting because I'm asking you questions because I need to know who you are. I need to know what you want. I need to know your experiences so that I can even tell you, hey, here's what to expect from the group that's relevant to you. So, if you are someone who is just like, my therapist told me to come here.

00:43:36

Courtney Brame: You putting me in a you putting yourself in a weird situation because I'm not I'm not coddling people. If you're here, it's because you want to do something, but you can't come show up to the call and not want to do anything. So I find again just like with having to put a price tag on the support groups and get people to uh show up to the support groups now there has to be this price tag and you know for those who you know find that this is a struggle for them or if it is difficult or inaccessible

00:44:05

Courtney Brame: to you. There are plenty of free resources on the something positive for positive people website that you can find you can explore that might even be more useful than a 30 minute support call with Courtney. But if you want to have a 30 minute support call with Courtney, this is going to now be $75. I am not looking at intake forms that do not have a donation associated with them.

00:44:26

Courtney Brame: If you donate less than $75, I am happy to send you an email response to whatever questions you have, but the the back and forth, the that I I need people to come in more prepared, and I think that people are more willing to come in prepared for those if there's a greater investment uh for people. All right.

00:44:46

Courtney Brame: So, we got 400 podcast episodes that are out there. We got the herpes blog that's out there that answers literally every question that a person might have, unless it's about their particular experience. And I encourage people to bring those then like if you have something that you want to speak about for yourself that is unique to you that you're not able to find on the internet from your own uh seeking of resources and

00:45:08

Courtney Brame: through something positive for positive people. I'm here for you and you got to make that donation. All right. Um the people missing a calls with the excuses like I forgot or I had to work. We schedule these appointments. They're on the calendar. I send calendar invites. Sometimes people don't accept them, but the calendar invites have reminders as well.

00:45:30

Courtney Brame: So, there's a lot of stuff out there, even how to disclose 100% free videos, and I'm adding more to that as I can, but I'm one person and I'm I'm having to prioritize. I got to do the things that keep something positive for positive people in existence. Um, and this m*********** got bills and I can't keep doing the Somebody sent me a 50cent donation for a support call.

00:45:53

Courtney Brame: y'all showed up on camera, look like they doing pretty well for themselves. And I will say that was frustrating, but you know, the quality doesn't change, and I've had too many like dollar donations. I've had too many people that uh say that somebody else signed them up for it and that they're going to have their lawyer contact me because I couldn't I shouldn't have their information.

00:46:12

Courtney Brame: I'm cutting through all this b******* by putting the price tag. So, there will be no correspondence for a support call unless you make the donation. And if you need anything else, like I'm happy to email you when I get to it. But that's what that's what I got to do now. And I I know people be like,"Don't explain anything. You got to explain yourself." f***

00:46:30

Courtney Brame: that. Because I would like an explanation. I'm the kind of person who would like to know like,"Well, why is that?" Like,"Okay, well, what what happened? What changed? What happens if I don't have that?" And I do want to I want to help everybody. And I have to I got to set my own boundary here for myself of like a uh nine years there are nine years of information supportive question answered through the something positive for positive people platform.

00:47:01

Courtney Brame: So if you need Courtney specifically support call $75 and then um if you want to be in a yoga therapy session like that that has its prices as well. You better catch me before that thing go up because I'm almost done with training. Support groups are now $25. That's another thing, too. So, moving forward, support groups, $25 per support group, and you have to have a one-on-one call before joining.

00:47:29

Courtney Brame: Yes, everybody needs to be vetted. This is for people who you you've seen the mission, you know the mission, you align with it, and you want to be part of it. You want to grow, you want to uh get out of stigmatizing yourself. That's who this is for. This isn't for people who just want to come b**** about having herpes.

00:47:48

Courtney Brame: And I think I've done a really good job of vetting people and making sure that they know when you come here, it's a next step. And that you can you can revert back, but you can't revert back here. We going to snap you out of and remind you, hey, this is what this space is intended for. This is not a safe space.

00:48:03

Courtney Brame: This is an intentional space, and I'm very clear about that. So, we sent out the calendar invite, and it ain't no excuse for you to miss this other than you not invested. So, $25 is about what most people give. So, that's where that pricing came from. Uh the newsletter, everything goes out once a month.

00:48:23

Courtney Brame: Uh, I mentioned that this upcoming Monday, August 31st, is going to be with uh the sex therapist. Uh, shout out to her because I'm I'm excited to have her here. Uh, I love her. She's very beautiful. She's very intelligent and she's got a good sense of humor. And uh, yeah, I'm happy to have her come be a part of this as well.

00:48:44

Courtney Brame: And yeah, podcast guest. The next two episodes that you hear are going to be with guests that um we're we're not talking about herpes experiences, but we're speaking about pleasure and we're speaking about identity moving forward because Something Positive's healing aspect has consistently been through hearing the experiences of other people directly. Um I'm not going to bring people on who don't have herpes, who aren't talking about their experiences with herpes.

00:49:16

Courtney Brame: That's what this is. You know, you can call me exclusive. Like, oh, you're not being inclusive. f*** that. People ain't inclusive to us. People ain't inclusive to themselves. Like, everybody's welcome to listen. Everybody's welcome to get the information from here. But this podcast, this is my free offering that over the years, you know, has been in existence and been supportive to people.

00:49:39

Courtney Brame: And that's what it's going to continue to be. It's going to continue to be a space where people living with herpes share their experiences. People who have herpes can listen to these experiences and have their perspectives expanded. And also, I need more guests. I need more guests who are willing to talk about their experiences with herpes.

00:49:56

Courtney Brame: I don't care where you are in your diagnosis. If you're newly diagnosed, you had it for years, if you're an advocate, if you're not an advocate, I don't give a f***. I want you here. Come talk to me. Let's have a conversation. Let's share the experiences so that we can support people.

00:50:10

Courtney Brame: This is the biggest support tool for people who uh have herpes who found something positive for positive people. All right. Um so like I said y'all I let people surprise you. All right. Um if you listen to this episode and you like it, please rate, review, subscribe. Uh help us raise money for this expensive ass conference that we're going to be doing next year.

00:50:32

Courtney Brame: This is going to be where I focus my attention uh moving forward and maintaining things as they are, of course. But yeah, no more of like the events that I was trying to put together. If you're in New York City, I got you on an email list. If there's like karaoke happening or something, I'll let you know.

00:50:48

Courtney Brame: Hey, people will be there. And that that's the extent of it, I want to say. But uh yeah, let people surprise you. And what was the title of this podcast? It's over. Go back to my notes. Yeah. Ask yourself what's the best that can happen and then let it. Till next time, stay present.

Transcription ended after 00:51:15

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