Herpes Disclosure Is a Conversation, Not a Confession
by Courtney Brame of Something Positive for Positive People
Disclosing your herpes status to a partner can feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to. When approached as an open conversation rather than a confession, a herpes disclosure becomes an opportunity to build trust, set clear expectations, and co-create what intimacy can look like. The key is timing, intention, and understanding that this conversation is as much about compatibility as it is about sexual health. Some people think they should only date other people with herpes, but that isn’t the only option.
When Is the Right Time to Disclose?
The right time to disclose your herpes status is when the conversation shifts from general discussions about sex—what you like, your experiences, or fantasies—to what intimacy could look like between the two (or more) of you. This is when expectations begin to form, even if they’re unspoken.
The longer those expectations go unchecked, the more difficult it becomes to realign when you disclose your status. If someone has already envisioned how sex will look with you, they may need time to process or "grieve" those assumptions when the reality of your herpes status comes into play. Starting the discussion early, when both of you are in a mindset of exploration, ensures you stay aligned and creates space for mutual understanding.
How to Disclose: The Conversation, Not the Confession
When telling someone you have herpes, approach it as an invitation to discuss sexual health and intimacy—not as a confession. This shifts the narrative from shame to curiosity and collaboration. You’re not just revealing something about yourself; you’re opening the door to co-create a shared vision of what intimacy can look like.
Start by exploring compatibility. The STARS Framework by Dr. Evelin Molina-Dacker is an excellent tool for guiding these discussions. It covers five key areas:
S - Safety: What does safety in intimacy look like for you?
T - Turn-ons: What are the things that excite and connect you with your partner?
A - Avoids: What boundaries or limits do you have?
R - Relationship Intentions: What are you looking for in this relationship?
S - Sexual Health Status: What does sexual health look like for both of you?
By engaging in this framework, you create a dialogue that naturally leads to your disclosure. Asking questions like “When was the last time you were tested?” or “Have you ever had an STI or known someone with one?” not only provides insight into their openness but also sets the stage for a deeper, more intentional discussion.
Tips for a Confident Disclosure
Know How You Feel About It First:
Before disclosing your status to someone else, make sure you’re comfortable saying, “I have herpes.” Practice by saying this in the mirror or by telling trusted friends about your herpes status. Your comfort with your diagnosis will influence how the other person perceives it. If you approach the conversation with fear or shame, they’re likely to mirror those feelings.Treat It Like a Conversation:
Frame the disclosure as a mutual discussion about sexual health and intimacy. Lead with curiosity and focus on creating a safe space for both of you to share. This isn’t about seeking their approval or acceptance—it’s about mutual respect and understanding.Stay Intentional, Not Reactive:
Avoid waiting until the heat of the moment or a point where alcohol or heightened emotions are involved. These situations can cloud judgment and make it harder for both of you to communicate clearly.
A bonus tip is to have resources on hand for them like how to respond when someone tells me they have herpes. Offering resources like this can help them look into resources that share the perspective of someone who may have their own experience as someone who doesn’t have herpes.
The Power of Vulnerability
Remember, disclosure isn’t just about herpes—it’s about trust, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy. How someone responds to your herpes disclosure tells you a lot about their capacity for empathy and openness. A person who is willing to have this conversation with you is someone who values communication and connection.
If you're unsure how to navigate the discussion, or want to practice, check out our peer support calls for one-on-one guidance. You might also find our article on managing rejection after disclosure helpful as you prepare.
Creating a Stigma-Free Dialogue
Disclosure is a practice in reducing stigma—for yourself and your partner. By normalizing conversations about sexual health, you contribute to a culture of openness and understanding. The more confident you are in your ability to discuss your herpes status, the more empowered others will feel to do the same.
At SPFPP, we’re here to support you every step of the way. From herpes support to yoga therapy for emotional wellness, our resources are designed to help you navigate stigma, foster connection, and embrace your journey with confidence.
