Something Positive for People with Herpes
A Shortcut for Navigating Herpes Stigma
Introduction
Ayyyy welcome! You found me! I’m sorry for the circumstances in which may have brought you here, but I’m glad you found this space and you’ll be glad you did too. I gotta assume you have either tested positive for herpes, you’re just re-entering the dating world after a diagnosis, or you might be someone who was just disclosed to, or has concerns about a possible exposure.
One of the key things to know about herpes is that many people who have it don’t know they do. When diagnosed, it can often be a surprise or it’ll feel like a betrayal occurred which also may be the case, but understand that there is so much misinformation out there, it can become overwhelming and make everything look wrong. The CDC says 48% of people between the age of 14-49 have HSV-1 oral herpes, and that 12% have HSV-2 genital herpes as of 2015-2016. Something really critical to understand is that this wording implies that HSV1 is oral and HSV2 is genital. Either of these types can be transmitted to the other location. The reality is that HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus) is universally seen as a sexually transmitted infection (STI) when it is called ‘herpes’. HSV 2 is primarily associate with the genitals and HSV1 is primarily associated with non-sexual contact, and usually contracted in youth from skin to skin contact like kissing. Then we call that coldsores. Dr. David Bruckel says in an episode on the herpes podcast, Something Positive for Positive People that the only difference between the two viruses is that nobody wants to associate children with an STI. The virus whether type 1 or type 2 present the same, are treated with the same medications, and behave the same. Location is the only main difference between the two.
In this blog post about herpes, we are going to try our best to answer all of the most frequently asked questions about the herpes virus as concisely and accurately as possible. You’ll get an understanding of herpes including what it is and how it spreads, some common myths, managing it, symptoms, and some info on stigma and how to navigate that. By the end of this blog, if you haven’t found what you need, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at www.spfpp.org to let us know what is missing. Here we go!
What is Herpes?
Johns Hopkins Medicine defines herpes as a sexually transmitted infection that can cause blisters and open sores (lesions) in the genital area, but it can also be asymptomatic, meaning a person can show no symptoms. This definition implies that herpes only transmits sexually. There are podcast interviews where people share they’ve gotten herpes on other parts of their body without sexual contact at all (for those of ya’ll thinking “well what kind of sex are they having to get herpes on their elbow?”). There was a time people believed HSV2 was only genital herpes and that HSV1 was only oral herpes. Herpes is a NERVE CONDITION The virus, after initial infection goes dormant into the nerve roots in either the base of the spine where genital infections occur or the nape of the neck which primarily causes oral expressions of the virus to occur. We’re seeing more HSV1 genital infections because people are putting their mouths on genitals and genitals in and on mouths.Unfortunately, the way HSV is written about leaves people who pass their oral herpes to a partner’s genitals makes people believe they don’t have herpes because it’s just cold sores. Reality is that coldsores are just a cute name for the herpes virus that usually means you got it from someone kissing you as a kid who had it, and there’s no way that can pass on to any other part of the body. (It can pass on to other parts of the body)
How Common is Herpes?
July 31, 2025 is the most recent information I could find on how common herpes is from the American Sexual Health Association who says more than 50% of the adult population has oral herpes which is also known as cold sores or fever blisters which is contracted often in childhood from loved ones. While earlier we said the CDC says about 12% of adults age 14-49 has genital HSV2, ASHA says as many as 90% of people who have herpes don’t know they have it.
Knowing how common herpes is can be supportive to some in feeling like they aren’t alone, but for others it can feel even more isolating because if so many people have it, we can wonder how come they don’t know anyone living with it. People will feel a variety of emotions when it comes to a herpes diagnosis. Confusion is a common one that people don’t have support in naming right away because anger and shame are so much easier to identify and are often even expected. While initially during an outbreak especially, people will fear the physical symptoms and the immediate focus is making their herpes just go away. When you get that diagnosis right away, what’s most important is treating what it is, then finding out what it is. That time in the doctor’s office for treatment can feel like the longest shortest time of your life. You don’t know what you need outside making this go away, then you get home and start that toxic relationship with Google trying to figure out all the things that you wished you asked when you had the doctor in front of you. Maybe you don’t even remember that timeframe or anything they said.
How Does Herpes Spread?
Herpes enters the body through skin to skin contact with someone who has the infection typically through a herpes sore, skin or mucosal surfaces like the mouth, vagina, or anus, saliva, semen, or vaginal discharge whether symptoms are present or not. Transmission routes: oral-to-oral, oral-to-genital, genital-to-genital, skin-to-skin; even when no visible sores according to the Cleveland Clinic. Contrary to popular beliefs, you have to really try to intentionally give someone herpes. If you want to increase your odds of passing it on or test out transmission through objects, then during an outbreak, make sure the other person is close, scrape the outbreak with an object and make sure they’re ready to take the object from you and rub it where they want the infection to occur. PLEASE HAVE PICKED UP THE INTENTION OF THAT. You can’t get herpes from objects unless you go way out of your way to do so. The way to avoid passing it on is to just not make direct skin to skin contact at the affected area with someone else who either doesn’t have it or doesn’t know their own status.
Herpes can impact anyone who has skin. The stigma, defined by Erving Goffman, is a discrediting attribute that reduces a person from a whole individual to a ‘tainted’ or ‘discounted’ one in the eyes of others. Herpes stigma is a symptom of how society does and does not talk about sex. The sooner people realize that, the sooner we can address the poor sex education collectively in North America. People believe you have to be a certain type of person in order to get herpes. You just have to be exposed to it by someone who has it and even then, you may not get it. You don’t get herpes by sharing clothes and towels because herpes doesn’t survive well outside the body. Most cases of herpes are minor, and the only thing to consider is that having genital herpes can increase one’s risk of contracting HIV primarily during outbreaks where skin is more open. There’s interventions that prevent HIV transmission even if you have herpes.
How Long Does it Take to Get Herpes After Exposure?
Health Victoria says the incubation period varies between 2-12 days of exposure. Another interesting stat they share is that 90% of the population has antibodies to HSV1 by the age of 50. What this means is that there’s often exposure to the virus, but our body is able to just manage it from presenting symptoms or testing positive for it. With HSV2 primarily associated with sexual contact, they say 12-15% of adults have antibody evidence of exposure with a higher prevalence in socioeconomically disadvantaged groups and people with multiple partners. That said, an initial outbreak can be missed. It could be mistaken for an ingrown hair, a razor bump, rash, or pimple, and in some cases there are people who’ve never had an outbreak who still test positive for herpes.
What Are the Symptoms of Herpes?
The first herpes outbreak is said to be the worst. Accompanied with flu-like symptoms, fever, body aches, and the appearance of small, painful blisters that break open and form sores are what you can expect. After the first, there may be some paranoia about the next outbreak making people vigilant to make sure it doesn’t come back. The prodrome symptoms are warning signs of active sensation at the site of the outbreak. This is best described as the sensation you get that lingers after scratching an itch. It’s a very subtle sensation. The prodrome symptoms can turn to blisters, sometimes in clusters which then form sores that may ooze then form a crust. Herpes sores do heal and look like nothing happened. When it comes to reoccurring outbreaks, it’s often useful to pay attention to what factors in your life could be causing symptoms.
What Causes a Herpes Outbreak?
A Something Positive for Positive People herpes survey showed that 15% of participants named emotional stress as the highest precursor for if they were going to have an outbreak. This indicates the importance of stress management as it is a tool for managing physical symptoms. Stigma begins to play a role here as well because stress isn’t just in the body, that’s the last stop for it as it begins within the nervous system, then becomes thoughts, then feelings, then body responses and messaging trying to get your attention. This can be to make a change, leave a person alone, set boundaries, walk away from that job, or anything else that you know is stressing you out. Herpes is just saying “hey deal with this.”
How Do You Test for Herpes?
According to the Mayo Clinic, a health care provider can make a diagnosis of genital herpes from a physical exam. A sample of an active sore is collected to see if you have the herpes simplex virus type 1 or type 2. A blood test can confirm a diagnosis by identifying antibodies.
What Are the Different Types of Herpes Tests?
Medline Plus shares that there are various types of herpes testing. There’s a swab test which the fluid and cells from an active herpes sore can be collected. There’s a blood test, various at home herpes tests which tests for shedding via urine sample or blood test. The challenge with a urine sample is that it will only be accurate if there is shedding along the urethra.
The test results can be a little confusing. Verywell Health does a great job distinguishing the difference between the IgG antibody test and the IgM antibody test. You want to have an IgG test if you suspect a new infection, and this can determine whether a person has HSV type one or HSV type 2. The IgM test is what you’d get for 7-10 days after an infection. These both are done by blood work. In short, they describe an IgM test to tell you whether herpes was contracted recently while an IgG test would just tell you if you have herpes, and this is what you’d use to determine which type you have. While most tests will share that herpes is detected or not detected. The value range for detected or not detected on these test results can come back unequivocal. This means “I don’t know”. There can be a presence of antibodies, but not “enough” for there to be a positive result.
When Should You Be Tested for Herpes?
The best time to be tested for herpes is if you have physical symptoms since this is likely to produce the most accurate results, minimizing the risk of either a false positive or negative. If you have a partner who has herpes and you are just being tested to see if you have it, getting your doctor to test you can be challenging because the CDC doesn’t recommend herpes screening without a presence of symptoms. If you are sexually active with a partner of known positive herpes status, pregnant, or have visible genital sores, the CDC recommends you do get tested for HSV.
What Should I Know About Herpes Outbreaks?
Some questions you’ll initially want to ask your health care provider about your diagnosis will depend on your priorities. If you are experiencing a herpes outbreak, your first question will be “How long will my herpes symptoms last?”, “How many outbreaks will I have?”, “Does the outbreak location change?”. A survey conducted by Something Positive for Positive People asked more than 1,000 people how long their outbreaks last and how many they’ve had in a year. 49% of people shared that their outbreaks last between 1-5 days, and 35% say that their outbreaks last from 6-10 days. 29% of people shared having less than 1 outbreak per year on average, and 37% have 1-3 outbreaks per year. This information comes from SPFPP’s herpes stigma survey.
Another question you may have is regarding outbreaks’ intensity over time. More than 60% of respondents shared that the number of outbreaks annually and the severity of them have reduced over time. 55% of people shared that the location of their herpes outbreaks have not changed over time.
Ask any questions about medications to treat the symptoms. You might consider going on daily antivirals, but ask your doctor about all your options, first as there are potential side effects of the medications reported by survey participants including hair loss, insomnia, depression, loss of appetite, upset stomach, headaches, anxiety, mood changes, and more. Yes, you still can pass the herpes virus on to a person without any physical symptoms through asymptomatic shedding. Another important thing to note is that just because someone has herpes does NOT mean they are guaranteed to pass it on to a partner of negative or unknown HSV status.
Is There a Cure for Herpes?
There’s currently no cure for the herpes virus. While there is advocacy for a cure, there’s work being done to push for a vaccine. Managing herpes can be done holistically with lysine supplements and herbs, prescription medications, and ointments to help alleviate symptoms. 15% of people shared that emotional stress is the main precursor for a herpes outbreak, so a key to managing the virus is to manage stress with things like Yoga.
How Do I Prevent Herpes Outbreaks?
People say certain foods that contain arginine contribute to outbreaks as well, but this varies across the spectrum from person to person. Some people say chocolate or peanut butter cause outbreaks, whereas others drink chocolate peanut butter protein shakes multiple times a day and still don’t have symptoms. Managing herpes is as simple as regulating the nervous system. Through exercise and nutrition of course with stress management can minimize the possibility of herpes outbreaks.
How Do I Treat My Herpes Outbreaks Holistically?
During an outbreak, if there’s pain with urination for women and vulva owners, if there’s pain with urination, you can hold a handful of ice cubes, preferably crushed over the vulva to reduce the pain. A warm bath is also something that provides symptom relief, or showering when you pee. Since outbreaks can be internal as well, so the ice or heat options to alleviate pain based on what the individual needs. One thing to note is there is no immediate need to make drastic lifestyle changes. Every BODY is different so what you read online about how some people make changes may not be applicable to you. Please discuss possible lifestyle changes with your doctor before removing or adding new supplements into your diet.
Can I Still Date if I Have Herpes?
Learning how to tell a potential partner you have herpes requires going beyond “how do I tell someone I have herpes?”. Before your diagnosis, consider how you brought up sexual health with your previous partners. It’s more than just disclosing your herpes status with them. Sometimes disclosing herpes to a partner can feel like a confession. Really it’s a discussion, or a conversation. It isn’t exclusively about your positive herpes status, it’s about each of your health status as a whole, and what your needs are for entering into a sexual relationship.
How Do I Tell A Partner I Have Herpes?
Navigating relationships and intimacy after a herpes diagnosis is a challenge that our health care professionals maybe don’t feel equipped for. Mental health professionals are a great starting point, but it is helpful to connect with others who understand the behind the scenes struggles beyond their scope of practice which are treating symptoms, and self-image/identity after a diagnosis. Learning what to expect, how to communicate to others, and knowing your options for moving forward in relationships are things they may not readily have access to. The herpes podcast by Something Positive for Positive People (SPFPP) features hundreds of podcast episodes and interviews of people living with herpes and navigating all aspects of stigma about their experiences. Hosted by a black man living with herpes, various perspectives are explored via this interview style podcast started in 2017.
While it may not always seem fair that we have to be the ones who initiate the sexual health discussion with partners, especially because in many cases, we weren’t given the choice to expose ourselves to it, it’s important to note that the emotions behind the unfairness of this are valid. If you live with herpes, you may feel your power of choice was taken away from you. One way to reclaim that power is to give the option to those who you choose to be intimate with so that they have power of choice. We look at what defines a “successful” disclosure, and anytime the decision is made to have the conversation, that’s a success because it means you put yourself out there despite the fear of rejection or emotional burnout and disclosure fatigue you may have from discussing this with other past partners and maybe it didn’t go where you wanted it to, but the success is in the initiation of the conversation.
Unfortunately we aren’t taught how to navigate these conversations. The CDC gives us guidance on preventing STI transmission, but the “how” of it is something we’re left on our own to figure out. Through trial and error, people living with herpes have shared their experiences navigating relationships, dating, and disclosing to partners via podcast interviews, but Something Positive for Positive People, a nonprofit organization offering herpes support resources has herpes discussion workshops for people to practice with their own style. This allows people to create an authentic and aligned way to have the conversation while being true to who you are. While some prefer a script, general best practices for discussing your positive herpes status with a partner is to make it a discussion without trying to cover all their possible concerns. We can’t account for every one of them because what’s important is that we invite them in to share what information they would like to share. We also want them to be able to ask questions prevalent to what their concerns are. Let people surprise you. You never know how much someone knows already, or if they have it themselves.
When Should I Tell My Partner I Have Herpes?
In addition to how to disclose your herpes status to a partner, people also ask when is the best time to talk about their herpes status with a partner. You want to have this conversation before becoming sexually active with the other person or people. Ideally this is a conversation when clothes are still on and blood is still in circulation to the brain before it rushes to the genitals. A general rule of thumb is to shift the conversation when talking about sex goes from you sharing what you like or have done and them sharing what they like and have done with other partners and the conversation becomes about what you want to do with one another. What this does is allow for a smooth transition into expectation setting regarding not only pleasure, but also whatever your safety needs are. Our risk tolerance may vary from person to person, or relationship style to relationship style. There may not be a possibility of genital sexual contact, but sensual contact can be on the table, so in this case, if the person won’t be exposed to the affected area, then there isn’t a need to disclose your herpes status to them. This is a widely acceptable reason NOT to disclose your status. I like to include the caveat for people who may fear for their physical safety such as survivors of domestic abuse and sex workers.
What Are the Herpes Transmission Rates?
Herpes transmission rates are a tricky subject. In general, the information people seek really doesn’t exist. People seeking this information want to know what can be done to PREVENT herpes transmission, and there is nothing we can do to keep it from happening. However, there are cases where people go on to have sexual relationship without transmitting the virus to their negative partner. People want to know what are the female to male herpes transmission rates more than the male to female rates so if you want to read more about that in detail, it’s available in that hyperlink.
Do I Have to Always Wear Condoms Now That I Have Herpes?
In SPFPP’s 2024 herpes stigma study, 73% of respondents never wear condoms for oral sex, and we see close to 50% of people do or don’t use condoms at various frequencies. Condom use for sex should be negotiated and is fully up to all the participants’ discretion. As long as all parties involved have been given informed consent, moving forward with or without condoms or whatever type of barriers you agree to is completely up to you.
Can I Still Give Birth if I Have Herpes?
Expecting mothers and birth givers should reference above on how herpes is transmitted and just be sure to be tested for herpes during pregnancy so that the possibility of transmission to the baby can be minimized. Preventive measures include taking the medication for herpes to suppress the virus if a natural birth is desired. If there is an outbreak, then a c-section should be considered.
The Emotional Toll of a Herpes Diagnosis
Emotionally, a genital herpes diagnosis can have a massive toll on a person. Consistently, SPFPP sees that 36% of people had suicide ideation. One of the things we advocate for in our work is focusing on supporting people’s mental health as they navigate the challenges of stigma. The stigma of herpes is hands down the most difficult part of living with herpes.
What is Herpes Stigma?
What is herpes stigma? Sociologist Ervin Goffman defines stigma as a mark or attribute that makes a person “less than” whole. Essentially stigma creates identity fragmentation. Think of yourself, when whole, as a full circle with 360 degrees. Each degree is an aspect of your identity or the raw material of who you are. One of those degrees is your sexual self that now has herpes. A general reminder that you’re made of up 359 other degrees offers a pathway to healing. Identity validation from a friend, partner, or loved one can be a solid next step to remembering who you are outside your herpes diagnosis. Healing can begin when there’s that whole 360 degree acceptance of self, and not an over-identification exclusively with one’s herpes status.
How Health Professionals Play a Role in Herpes Stigma
What health care professionals need to know is that Sexual health is mental health. How a person receives their diagnosis can often shape not only how a person discusses their herpes status, but even IF they go on to discuss it with potential partners or anyone at all for that matter. Using stigma-free language and speaking to the identity of a person beyond their diagnosis serves to validate one’s identity in a way that as Ervin Goffman describes stigma to invalidate a person. At SPFPP, we offer support trainings for health professionals to learn how to communicate with patients about herpes.
The Role of Education in Herpes Stigma
Stigma begins where education ends. The way we’re educated or not educated about sex directly translates into how people navigate relationships and their health overall. Our education system and medical system can benefit from prioritizing the minimization of stigma with their patients and learners. The ripple starting here will create a stigma-free world of sexually active individuals who are connected to the support options they need for themselves for where they are in their herpes diagnosis. Some people need to be heard, others to be understood, some people just want to forget they have it. My intention in doing this work is to ensure that everyone have access to their options and be empowered with choice to decide how to move forward through stigma and their herpes diagnosis.
What is Life Like After a Herpes Diagnosis?
In conclusion, you can in fact have a full life even with a herpes diagnosis. This isn’t your full guide on how to live with herpes, but I hope that it is a solid foundation for you wherever you are in your connection with stigma. For your next steps, I invite you to go and live. Live your life. Don’t try and go back to the life you had. Evaluate it and decide for yourself what you want out of yourself, community, family, a relationship. Herpes may be a physical representation of what could be happening at the level of the nervous system. Exploring this with community can be a great next step, or you could consider exploring the spiritual significance of a herpes diagnosis. If you’re still not sure where to start, sign up for a 1-1 herpes support call or explore the website until you find what you’re looking for. Our FAQ page has a lot of answers to common herpes questions.
Herpes Support and Education Resources for You
A herpes diagnosis is not the end of your intimacy, relationships, or sense of self. It's a starting point and a chance to rebuild your relationship with your body, your voice, and your values. Wherever you are in your journey, you have options for how to move forward.
Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting people navigating herpes stigma and providing education resources, advocacy, and stigma focused information to the general public, addressing the inaccuracies of information and representation of what it means to live with genital herpes. Since 2017, this platform has been a hub of stories, education, resources, and support for people living with herpes and those who want to support them. While the limitations of our surveys prevent us from seeing transmission rates, the survey from 2021 asked the question to people with herpes if they to their knowledge have ever passed herpes on to a partner they were sexual with after awareness of their diagnosis and 72% of people said no. This is one blatant example of how this organization, SPFPP minimizes stigma by just asking people living through it about their experiences and letting this be what leads the data.
Something Positive for Positive People offers 1-1 support calls for people with herpes. These calls are not medical advice, but support and guidance on navigating aspects of stigma. The range of support includes a space to vent, ask questions about how to discuss your positive herpes status to a new or existing partner, navigating sex after a herpes diagnosis, and if you’re someone seeking information about how to move forward with a sexual partner who has herpes, we can support you as well. We also offer herpes support groups for men and women, and Yoga Therapy for herpes if anyone is seeking more long-term support.
Here are a few ways to take the next step:
Book a 1-on-1 Support Call: Talk to someone who gets it. Whether you're newly diagnosed, navigating disclosure, or supporting a partner with herpes, these calls offer a space to be heard, gain clarity, & move forward at your own pace.
Join a Herpes Support Group: You're not alone. Connect with others navigating similar experiences in our judgment-free support groups, including men's and women’s sessions. Just showing up is healing.
Practice with Us Through Yoga Therapy for Herpes: Learn how to regulate your nervous system, reconnect with your body, and build a more present, grounded relationship with yourself.
Listen to the SPFPP Podcast: Hundreds of real, unfiltered stories from people living with herpes. Tune in for hope, humor, and hard truths all part of healing.
Read the FAQ: Have questions about dating, transmission, symptoms, or what’s normal? Our FAQ section has detailed, stigma-free answers to the most common concerns.
Stay Curious: Explore topics like the spiritual significance of herpes, how stigma fragments identity, and how you can reclaim yours.
Still looking for answers? Check out the full SPFPP FAQ page, or reach out with your own questions.
