SPFPP 342: Herpes identity crisis
Meet Courtney Brame, a Black Man living with herpes.
Courtney Brame, age 35 was diagnosed with genital HSV 2 in 2013 at the age of 23. When he was diagnosed with herpes, he was given a sheet of paper from the doctor that simply said various statistics…. Man listen, I ain’t about to sit up here and write this like I’m not writing it myself.
I’m Courtney. I love self-help, anime, podcasting and Yoga. These things make up more of me than my herpes diagnosis, which really is only relevant to me because of the work I do at my herpes stigma support organization I created, Something Positive for Positive People. This is a 501c3 non profit that has a weekly podcast where I interview people living with herpes about navigating aspects of stigma. This includes dating with herpes, sex with herpes, and overall just living with herpes.
I started this podcast in 2017 when I learned that people with herpes wanted to kill themselves because of their diagnosis. I set out to just give people a place to listen to people living with this virus just fine. Whether it’s oral herpes type 1 or genital herpes type 2 or any modification, my goal is to simply minimize the stigma of living with herpes, period. I don’t care if you’re Black living with herpes, green living with herpes, South African, Australian, or an Alien. Herpes stigma shouldn’t be something that makes anyone end their lives.
Since I started conducting surveys on people’s experiences with herpes and their mental health back in 2019, I consistently see that 36% of people DO in fact experience suicide ideation because of their genital herpes diagnosis. Notice I said genital herpes diagnosis and not HSV 2. I specifically said this because HSV 1 cases are on the rise genitally, yet doctors are still making a visual diagnosis of genital outbreaks as if they’re HSV 2. The only way to know what type of herpes you have is to get tested by a medical professional.
I will wander as I write this so try and keep up. I’m at more than 350 podcast episodes talking about herpes and our emotions underlying it as they directly impact stigma. In 2024 we finalized some survey data from more than 1,000 people living with herpes and 15% of them said that emotional stress was the leading contributor to them experiencing outbreaks (outbreaks are the physical, visible expressions of the herpes virus).
As a 500 hour registered Yoga teacher, I put together a series of 20 Yoga classes that can be found at www.spfpp.org/yoga for people to manage the emotional stress of navigating stigma. I combined this with a book that has been a tremendous help to me navigating the complex emotions of herpes stigma, Letting Go by David R. Hawkins. These classes are where we climb the emotions scale. I take a very Yin and relaxed approach to these Yoga and Meditation classes and speak to experiences people with herpes may have relating to stigma and their emotions about their diagnosis.
So about my experience as a Black Man living with genital herpes HSV 1 and HSV 2, I am on various podcasts where I speak about this experience and consistently what I often say is that it is in fact lonely. I have a unique experience having been open about my status longer than I’ve been hiding with it, and the few other Black Men living with herpes that I know would die before they tell another person who doesn’t need to know. So navigating this space has been lonely. It isn’t difficult except that my peers are just white women with herpes who outside our shared herpes experiences and advocacy issues, I can’t quite relate to.
Dating with herpes for me has been interesting because when you’re diagnosed, you think you’re going to pass herpes on to everyone you have sex with, and you assume they expect that if you touch them they’ll get it. The reality in dating with herpes that no one speaks about is that there’s really only one third of a chance you’ll be rejected.
What do I mean? Well think about it. You’re getting to know someone and then you see things progressing to becoming sexual. You tell them you have herpes and honestly they only have three response categories. The first is no thanks, which to many is a rejection, but in reality is just the other person saying themselves what you yourself if given that option may have said yourself, so please don’t be angry at them for doing something you yourself may have done. The second response which no one anticipates or is ever ready for is “me too”. The www.cdc.gov estimates that of the one in six people living with herpes, 90% of them don’t know they have it, so odds are that you’ll run into someone who has it whether they know it or not. Then the other response is just one of curiosity, “tell me more”. This response is one of interest in YOU as a person and perhaps wanting to move forward but just needing a little more education about it.
These are typical dating experiences for most, but since I don’t have the luxury of anonymity considering my work, I’ve disclosed my status through the early question when meeting someone new, “what do you do?”. Then, BAM I tell them I have herpes. What’s interesting is that When people ask me about my experience as a Black Man dating with herpes, I have more in common with a white woman dating with herpes because that’s my only reference point. So I typically tell people that dating with herpes is just like dating.
I’ve had the luxury of hiding behind the work I do at my nonprofit, Something Positive for Positive People (SPFPP) and I think I’ve hid so well, over the seven years this has been a thing, that I’m invisible to the main world. I don’t and haven’t faced any negativity being open about my status because I mean, who’s going to talk shit about someone being open about having herpes when it’s in the name of keeping people from wanting to kill themselves? You gotta be a real asshole to do that.
I started writing this because I Googled “Black Men with herpes” and a bunch of variations of that and neither myself or SPFPP came up in searches. I’m running a Google Ads campaign, I’ve been on a hundred podcasts sharing my story, I’ve been in news articles, I have a 100% on the SEO of my website www.spfpp.org which has my face on it and there’s no search results that show me and I got real pissed about that because I know I am not the only one WILLING to do this work as a Man, or as a Black Man.
I host a weekly podcast interviewing people with herpes and if you’re someone living with it, please reach out to me and share your story. I prefer people who wish to be on camera, but often times that’s too much for people so we keep it anonymous. You can visit www.spfpp.org/podcast to listen to the episodes.
My nonprofit supports people through Yoga, provides survey information to help with disclosure, we host virtual events to help people navigate stigma, and I train health professionals on taking a stigma-free sexual history and delivering a diagnosis. You can learn more about my work at spfpp.org. But I want to let you know that a Black Man living with herpes does exist and I’ve been pretty loud about it, it’s just a very stigmatized subject and people who find me don’t rave about it in fear of people assuming they have herpes, which is legit considering the only people looking for herpes information are generally newly diagnosed or telling someone they have it.
So support ya boy by sharing this blog, donating at www.spfpp.org/donate and telling your friends about me and the work I’m doing. If you’re struggling with herpes I offer a one on one donation-based support call keeping it focused on the stigma of it. I’m not a therapist or medical professional, just a Black Man living with herpes who has a lot of perspective on it and I give damn good advice as long as you’re willing to open up to me. Sign up for a call at www.spfpp.org/herpes-support-call
Stay positive! Cause I damn sure ain’t got a choice.
To learn more about me and the work I do, feel free to bounce around on the website at the herpes stigma minimization content we’ve created over the years.
