Episode 92: You Are Necessary
I asked SPFPP listeners if they experienced any of the following upon their herpes diagnosis; depression, suicide ideation, self-harm tendencies, attempted suicide. We had a rather large participation on this and 6% of listeners said they had in fact attempted suicide. This podcast episode is for you. This world would not be as it is in this moment without you. Please know that you are necessary.
I'm working to get to STD Engage: http://www.ncsddc.org/std-engage-2019/ to present SPFPP to the people who can get this resource to people when they're diagnosed. That's my goal for this. You all answering this survey sharing how listening to this podcast has helped you has been a tremendous help and I gotta tell you I didn't see it doing all you say it has done for you.
I talk about this and make some small talk in this episode. I also don't edit this one because I choose to practice speaking better so that when it comes time to talk to these people and present to donors, I get better. I 'like' and 'umm' and don't use silence very well so please bear with me ya'll. Thank you for your patience and support.
Now this STD Engage event (if I'm approved) costs $550 to attend lol. So if you want to donate to help make that happen please send donations through www.spfpp.org. We take Venmo!!!
Stay Positive!
Episode 92 Transcript
Intro, Secret Events, and the Power of Community
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Welcome to the show. I'm your host Courtney Brame. I feel like that was lazy. It's so awkward not to have opened with this as an intentionally inclusive hub of sex positive resources. But after this past weekend and analyzing the survey results that I asked people to fill out for me, asking those two questions, I see that this is a little bit more than just an intentionally inclusive hub of sex positive resources. This is more than just an experience-based education tool. And I'll get into that later on in the podcast.
Courtney Brame: But first, I want to thank Waxoh- that’s waxoh.com for their continued support of Something Positive for Positive People. If you haven't already, please go and check that out. It is an LGBTQIA friendly digital magazine. They allow me to post a lot of the content that I normally talk about on Something Positive for Positive People. A lot of places really don't allow me to do that because, stigma. But this is one place that allows me to do so. And the most recent blog post that I've been able to provide input on is what it looks like to have healthy friends with benefits situation. So, if you haven't already, please go and check that out. W Ax.
Courtney Brame: And I'm just sharing my input on what I think it requires in order to have a healthy friend with benefits situation. I had a really good weekend this past weekend and actually two weekends ago too. I'll start with that one from two weekends ago. I went to a secret event that I've been telling you all about from time to time. I didn't- I went to a secret event. Man, that is going to happen a lot in this podcast, I'm sure. But it was large. There were a lot of people that came from all over to this one place. It was very safe. People were able to connect and meet other people who understood the challenges of dealing with the herpes diagnosis. And we're talking about just a couple of different parties over the weekend.
Courtney Brame: swimming at the pool and just a weekend of socializing with people who also have herpes and don't have to necessarily deal with that anxiety that comes when you're meeting a new person and being like, " my god, they're going to find out or when do I tell them I have herpes?" So, you got to see a lot of people in their element. There were so many smiles and there was so much There was just so much love and connection between people who are normally hermits for example, And I've even got to meet a few of our podcast guests as well. So that was really cool. And I got to host a panel discussion about herpes.
Courtney Brame: And the people who showed up came and everyone opened up and shared about their own experiences and we talked a little bit about stigma, what we're doing about that. We talked about some of the challenges that we were facing as individuals in the room. And this was one of the first times that I heard more men speaking than women about herpes and opening up and getting into the depth of that we often don't want to be vulnerable. So, it was really cool and I highly recommend that if you have an opportunity to attend one or if you come across it, find one that you check it out or at least consider it because I think that this is something that can be very useful. I think that it's useful to have a community behind you.
Courtney Brame: So, it's useful to have support behind you and be able to see yourself interacting when you don't have to deal with the anxiety of a diagnosis at all versus when you do. And that was something that I went through when I first began to go to different groups. I believe my first event was a float trip. and I met a lot of people who didn't act like me. And I got to just see myself outside of my comfort zone, but in a way that was different because we were all connected. It's like we all know that the people who are here have herpes. So it's not really a big deal, right? It's such a big deal when you have to think that though.
Reclaiming Your "Big" Personality
00:05:00 Courtney Brame: And what I mean by that is it can shift our personalities completely. And I've been told that I was acting a little bit weird after my diagnosis. They didn't know that it was my diagnosis, but friends around me would say I acted differently or I acted weird or that I was kind of cut off. But the thing was I was just ready to go back and interact with my real friends. And when I say my real friends, I mean the people who knew I had herpes because there was just something about being connected to someone through that. I think that struggle binds us a little bit tighter or it has us more deeply connected just because of something like that. I mean, think about it.
Courtney Brame: If you're someone who has seen any person who is open about their positive HSV status, and you've reached out, think about how much of your guts you may have spilled to them. I've gotten some messages from people where we've discussed parent issues, we've discussed past trauma, we've discussed relationships, we've discussed some very deep and vulnerable stuff like out the gate. And so there's proof there's some sort of deeper element of connection that takes place between people who share a common struggle. And I noticed that I couldn't wait to get back to the people who shared my struggle because my friends became strangers after it was a simple one of those things where it's like, " you got herpes, too?" "Yeah." "Oh, man."
Courtney Brame: and then you can share all of that stuff that you just had bottled inside of you. and you're understood. There's power in being understood. And that's why I think people treat a lot of the open herpes activists like therapists because there's a sense of relief that comes with being able to express yourself. And I experienced this relief and kind of got addicted to it, more so than my friends. It was like I like myself more when I'm around the people who know I have herpes and it's not an issue and I can share those struggles that came with it than I did with the people that I've known my entire life. And I had a decision to make at some point.
Courtney Brame: I got tired of only being able to connect as my real self when I was hooked online or when I was plugged into the internet and on these sites or whenever I was socializing in groups. And I wanted more of the human connection, the person to person, the eye contact, like the physical presence, the physical touch. And so I began telling friends and it was the best decision I ever made because my posture changed around these people and they noticed it before I did. My tone changed. I was less hermity if that's the word. But I was less slouched and small. I became big. Personalities are big. We're all big in personality.
Courtney Brame: And it's when something comes along that just knocks the s* out of us that we become small again. And a lot of people express that in a way herpes made them small. I feel like I'm no longer worthy of being this big personality. Who am I to think I can go out and date? Who am I to think that I deserve this promotion? And who am I to think that I can do whatever it is that I'm aiming to do? That's b*. Don't let a positive herpes diagnosis, don't let that person who delivers the news about your diagnosis take your power away from you. Please don't. And I know that it's a struggle in the beginning.
Courtney Brame: and I'm talking to people who already listen to this podcast, but in the event that one of those people who don't listen happen to hear this podcast. It's okay. There are communities, excuse me, that was kind of like a stomach growl burp hiccup type thing. I don't know if anybody else gets those, but there are communities for support at various levels. So, there's your, "Hi, I'm Courtney. I have herpes. I've had it for this long. There's that. And then there's just complete openness of education about it and being able to talk to people and share and exchange experiences. And then there's just being able to socialize.
Correcting the Record: Vulnerability is a Guard Dropper
00:10:00 Courtney Brame: So, I want to stress the importance of community isolation and all that kind of stuff. It's not the best for us. Yes, it's good to be alone sometimes. Yes, we need time to recharge, but human connection and being around people and being able to fully express ourselves, like that's what it means to live. and being in spaces that allow for that full free authentic expression. I think that that's what life's about, to allow yourself to express experience and be experienced and community resolve. I think that community is a very good illustration of what life is all about.
Courtney Brame: So, I'm so grateful for this Something Positive for Positive People community and what we've built here. And It's changing things for individuals who think they're alone in something to be able to come into contact with someone who can connect them when they come into contact with this tool for connection, when they come into contact with someone who knows of some kind of a resource that just connects them to the community. The education piece is cool, the facts and statistics that so many people have herpes, like that's comforting in the beginning to an extent, but the reality is, I mean, we've talked to people who disclose to people on a regular basis and they're like, " no. I don't want that."
Courtney Brame: or I don't have that or I don't know whether or not I have that. So, that doesn't really do much for us when we get these statistics that show everybody has herpes because how many people know they have herpes is really what the big deal is. That's where the comfort comes from. So, being able to connect with people who know that they have herpes and who are real people and understand the struggle and all of that. I think that that's really useful. The other thing I wanted to address was the episode of the podcast that I titled vulnerability is a boundary dropper. We do not want to drop our boundaries. And this was something that I was so excited about the title.
Courtney Brame: I was so excited that John and I were able to get to one of these episodes that just turned out so well in my opinion. And yes, I know I talked a lot. and there's a whole reason for that, but we won't get into it. We liked that podcast. We really did. We liked that episode. And I was just so pumped that I was like, vulnerability drops people's boundaries. And over the last couple of weeks, we talked about boundaries that have come up a lot on social media. And I'm like, wait a minute. Did I really mean to say that? No, I meant to say guard. Because in order for us to establish boundaries, that is something that takes vulnerability. It takes letting your guard down in order to put up boundaries,
Courtney Brame: So, why would we want to put those boundaries down when they're there as an expression of vulnerability? I hope I just said that right, cuz in my head it came out one way, but then when I heard it, I was like, "What'd you say, Courtney?" But, it requires some strong self-awareness and empowerment to be able to take care of yourself that way and take care of and protect the people around you and the people who the boundaries are for.
Courtney Brame: boundaries aren't just for the other person or people or groups. they're for you as well. But we often mistake boundaries for being it's selfish of me to say no. It's selfish of me to have a bad time. It's selfish of me to go and do something for myself. No. These are healthy boundaries. These are things that you need in order to be what other people need you to be. So, this is the least selfish thing that you can do is set boundaries. So, I'm not going to change the title. I muffed up and I'm gonna just own that. But vulnerability is a guard dropper if anything else. So, I'm glad nobody like shat on me via messaging like, "What do you mean vulnerability is a boundary dropper?" And that was a unisex voice, by the way.
Unexpected Growth at a Naked Bike Ride
00:15:00 Courtney Brame: another thing that happened, so I realized that I experienced quite a little bit of growth. Doesn't make sense. I experienced quite a bit of growth over the weekend. So, this past weekend, Sierra's never off work. So, she got off work on a Sunday. but she works 12 hour shifts on Saturday. So, she got off work probably around 8:00 p.m. And we get together with a couple of her friends and we go out.
Courtney Brame: We never go out. So, I don't want to say never. We rarely go out is a more accurate statement. So, pregaming at home and then we get in Uber and we get dropped off to a place that we go. It's probably maybe 10 minutes away from where we live and we get there and the street's blocked off. It's like, " man, people just had to get let out at the end of the street for some strange reason." So, we get let out at the end of the street. We walk around the corner and I just see so many dicks and tits all over the place and fanny packs. There were dicks, tits, and fanny packs all over just walking the street and the place that we were going to like. I grab the door handle and I pull it and it's locked.
Courtney Brame: So apparently there's a naked bike ride or something and this street was where the bars that were okay with that with people just being naked except for wearing fanny packs and it was all over the place. It was just nudity everywhere. I saw more real life dicks than I have in my entire life over this 2hour time span. And I realized that it didn't bother me. I used to be bothered by that kind of stuff like, " man, Get your dick out of here." that would have been the kind of response I would have expected to have seen for myself. And then just not staring at boobs and not getting aroused by breasts or seeing butt cheeks or anything like that.
Courtney Brame: I realize following a lot of the sex positive accounts that I follow, a statement that comes up is that nudity isn't inherently sexual. They're body parts. So, it wasn't then that I realized I was obviously drinking. But when I got up the next day and realized everything that had happened the day before, I was like, "Man, I'm proud of myself." Not necessarily for not getting turned on by body parts, but for just being able to be in the environment that I was in and just be so cool. We went into one of the bars there and people were allowed to be inside naked as well.
Courtney Brame: And the music was f** epic. this DJ was on their s*** until they played one song I didn't know. But they followed up with DMX. y'all going to make me lose my mind. So I was in there having a good time as one thing that stood out was one of the penis owners with a fanny pack on was dancing on someone in front of him and I was like, "Wait a minute. That's sex." like he or they are completely naked grinding up on this other person like somebody's going to get some juices everywhere. But outside of that, I just realized how we compare our growth in the most unlikely of circumstances. I was in a different environment than what I'm used to.
Courtney Brame: I'm used to going out to clubs where people have all their clothes on. And in this instance, not everyone was wearing clothes. Sierra was like, "Why don't you get naked?" I was like, "No, these are my good jeans." I was making excuses. I wasn't that comfortable. I wasn't ready for something like that. And it was unexpected. I didn' t see that coming. I didn't know that there was a naked bike ride. I mean, until we got there, I didn't know that the street was going to be blocked off. It looked like what's that place called? It looked like New Orleans, Bill Street. Yeah, it looked like that. Without clothes, but not everybody was naked, of course. There were just no bras in some cases. Some people had their bikes, I guess. And It was just cool to see people being able to openly and freely express themselves and everybody just get along and be cool.
Courtney Brame: And I encourage people to get environments where people are able to freely express themselves. be it at a naked bar crawl or if it's an activity that you enjoy. If it's like salsa dancing, if it's pole dancing, if it's any kind of dancing really, if it's any type of improv, if it's some sort of art, if it's music related, these are the kinds of places where we get to experience ourselves. We get to see and just observe what we're thinking and our behaviors and compare it to how we think we would have responded to things. So, I had a period there where I was just so happy about that. I was “damn, good job, Courtney.”
SPFPP Survey Results: Depression, Stigma, and Support
00:20:00 Courtney Brame: Getting into what I really wanted to talk about in this podcast episode, 20 minutes I wanted to share with you all the findings of the survey that I asked people to fill out. So, this was just a two question survey. The first question was, have you experienced depression, suicide ideation, self harm tendencies, or attempted suicide after your herpes diagnosis? And the participants were people who listened to Something Positive for Positive People and have herpes which is the majority of the audience I'm finding out. And so I checked all that apply. And then the follow-up question was how has listening to Something Positive for Positive People helped you?
Courtney Brame: I am not surprised that 98% of the participants experienced depression. That What does surprise me is the number of people who've attempted suicide and that number is 6%. So to give you an idea, the survey capped out at 110 people because I hadn't paid for the subscription, I guess they didn't expect that because they just stopped allowing me to read responses after 91. So that the statistics are based on 91 responses that we got.
Courtney Brame: So suicide ideation was 98% of people and the self harm tendencies were 53% of people. We got to do something about this and the perfect opportunity has come up in order to do something about this. and I haven't talked in detail about what STD Engage is, but that's who this survey is for. I'm submitting an abstract which is essentially a short version of a research paper presenting the findings in order to get accepted to this event which is a weekend long conference in November. Now the submissions I thought they were due this coming Friday but they gave us until just this year August 11th I believe to submit the entire thing.
Courtney Brame: So I have a lot more time to go in and make sure that I'm fulfilling all of their guidelines in order to submit and get accepted to come here. But STD engage from what I understand is a conference of medical health professionals who have big titles behind their names who are able to potentially get this podcast to people when they are diagnosed at the very least. That's been my biggest goal and my biggest challenge so far is getting this podcast to people when they need it. So, this is an opportunity for me to present an innovative, empowering tool, it was in their description. I should have brought my laptop in here so I could read it verbatim, but they're looking for a tool like Something Positive for Positive People.
Courtney Brame: And I'm just presenting the problem here in a way that shows that there is a solution that's just not being utilized. I guess something like this is being seen as a threat by doctors and the people who provide STI testing. But whenever I reach out and I'm like, hey, I do this thing that provides emotional aftercare for the people who are diagnosed with herpes or really any SCI if you're diagnosed with HIV. We have a few episodes there. and you know that it's So, I'm always met with some kind of resistance and we don't share outside resources and all that kind of b*******. So, I'm going straight to the top. This conference is supposed to be the head honchos, I guess, of the disease realm. They're looking to help prevent the spread of STD.
00:25:00 Courtney Brame: So apparently STD rates are higher than they've ever been and they're looking for a way to stop that essentially. So this survey, like I said, I presented the numbers for the answer to question number one and the second question being how has listening to Something Positive for Positive People helped you? I broke it down because these were short answers. So, I had to find a way to quantitatively measure every response outside of the people I'm thankful for contributing but they don't listen to the podcast. So, I had to take them out. There were five people who said I don't listen to the podcast. But the beauty in that is that now they know about it. So, we got five new listeners. Yay.
Courtney Brame: And the three categories are stigma/education and I measured these by using words like normalize, fight stigma, educate and learn. So if a sentence included any of these words or implied any of these things, it went into that 40 responses mentioned stigma and education. The second category is self-empowerment. And the way that this was measured is by people mentioning that they felt empowered or that they were able to navigate relationships, some kind of mention of relationships, like being in a healthy relationship or having better relationships, talking about their sexuality and how connected they are. And how connected they are to themselves. I mean, and then the popular statement here was that life goes on.
Courtney Brame: 43 people responded with something like that in their sentence. the way that the survey is you can mention either one or all three of these. So, it'll be more than the 91 people, just in case you're wondering, wait, that doesn't add up to 91. So, the biggest category of how people felt Something Positive for Positive People helped them is community support. I had to put both of them together. So, all of the responses that fell under this category included either the word community support or they just said it makes me feel not alone. And that was probably the most popular response. It makes me feel not alone.
Courtney Brame: So to have this safe tool where people are able to listen in their own world or they can blast it on their speaker or if they're working out at the gym or driving in the car. This is a safe tool to use without other people finding out that you have herpes before you're ready for other people to find out. And I was very shocked. I didn't know that these were things that people were getting out of this. I thought people were just learning how to disclose more than anything. How do I tell somebody that I have herpes? Because that's the number one question that I get when people reach out to me. So, for the people who regularly listen to this podcast and to express to me that you are learning something, you're fighting stigma, you're educating other people, you're empowered.
Courtney Brame: That gave me chills when I broke down. 43 people said that they felt empowered in some sort of way or people are having healthy relationships now. And then the community response, it blew my mind. 61 people said that they feel like they're part of a community in some fashion or another. And that's what we are. I understand now. I've been trying to figure out exactly what Something Positive for Positive People is. Even with the last survey that I did, I found out 99% of the people who listen to this podcast have herpes. And though the other 1%, they don't know if they do or don't have herpes because they haven't been tested. So, you're in the community, too. One person that responded to that on the first survey that I did this podcast.
Courtney Brame: I try really hard to make it other things and make it as inclusive to everybody as it can be. And I guess it's just these are the people I'm talking to the people who are living with herpes and are going through a healing process. And I'm going to continue to deliver for those people. Not to say that I'm gonna get away from the sex positivity or the intentional inclusivity, but I think that there was a time period where I tried too hard to make this something for everyone. And I mean, there's a space here for everyone. But it's just like this I have to be intentional.
Goal for STD Engage Conference
00:30:00 Courtney Brame: So let's say that my intention is to continue to serve the community that I'm serving. And now to know that wow all of these people now have expressed that this tool has helped them in these three ways. Can we help? How much greater can our reach be if I'm able to go down to this STD Engage conference and knock this s*** out of the park and get funding to help people get therapy after their diagnosis if they're struggling with it to be able to connect people to these communities and support groups so that they can stop feeling alone right away so they can begin to uplift and educate themselves to become empowered to educate others and to just be like, what, f*** that stigma because I
Courtney Brame: Again, I always say a stigma is just a collection of opinions of people who have no idea what it's like to live with this virus. And even to this point, it's an insignificant part of my life. I mean, unless I have to disclose it to other partners, it's just not an issue for me. I use it as a tool to navigate my own health. If I feel that tingle, I got a Courtney tingle, like a little spidey sense or something, it tells me, "All right, You need to calm down. You need to chillax. You need to take care of yourself because you're tripping." So, my herpes tells me, "Hey, Courtney, you tripping." That's the only time it speaks to me. So, it's under control.
Courtney Brame: And I want other people to be able to get theirs under control and give it a cute little voice or something so that it's not this big monster that just drains energy and vitality and makes us feel so unworthy. That's what I want to do. So I mean I say that's what I want to do, but that's what I want to get people to feel that way. I want to be able to get this tool to those people. And I think the STD engagement is the route that I need to go in order to meet the people who can help make that happen. So, I'm working every way I can to get there. I'm hoping that this gets accepted. I'm already skipping past the point of needing to pay the event fee of $550, assuming that this gets I'm skipping past the whole getting accepted piece. and jumping straight to all right, how am I going to get to Virginia?
Courtney Brame: Where am I going to stay? And am I going to have to wear a suit? I hope I don't have to wear a suit. If I do, I know where I'm getting one from, though. but yeah, Thank you all for participating in this survey. And I wanted to make sure that you all knew what this was for in detail. So, I'll keep you in the loop as things progress, but I really won't hear anything for months. I may not even hear anything until September. So they're accepting the submissions in August and just assuming that it's accepted I can't wait to go down there and just kill this s***. So that's why I am also doing these podcast episodes solo now to work on being able to present to watch my ums and my likes and my stutters and my miswording of four and two like I did earlier in this podcast episode.
Courtney Brame: Ain't that crazy there. It's crazy how I'm able to hold on to that kind of thought of when I messed up earlier in the podcast, but I could not tell you without sitting and really thinking about it what I ate for breakfast 4 days ago, even though it was probably oatmeal cuz I've been on this oatmeal kick lately. But yeah, Thank you for doing this survey and I hope to be able to get out here and present these statistics to people and get some kind of connection into these places so that people are able to find Something Positive for Positive People so that they're able to get connected to their hands member in their area or access their support group nearby and be able to just empower people. That's what this is.
Courtney Brame: that I know exactly what this is. you all helped me get a sense of direction. Yeah, it's a nonprofit and yeah, there are things that I'm trying to do in terms of uplifting sex educators and prepare people for a diagnosis and also help people who are struggling with their diagnosis get the aftercare that they aren't receiving from the people who give them their diagnosis. But this really helps. I'm really really happy to have had so many people participate in this. And I feel It's flowing through me. I feel connected and I feel empowered to kick ass on this presentation. The abstract is done. And then I said again, damn it, the abstract is done and completed. I am going to go back through and essentially write a research paper, but I have to get the guidelines first.
A Vulnerable Life Update: Losing the Safety Net
00:35:00 Courtney Brame: So, let me make sure that I do that before I do all this unnecessary work. So, how am I? This is a very tough question to answer now, especially coming off of such a high thing right here and coming off this past the weekend that I did go on that trip to the herpes event and do the panel discussion, I found out that I was no longer going to have my primary source of income. I didn't get fired, quote unquote, but it felt like firing. Even though I saw it coming, I knew that the company was going to be moving my position in house. I wasn't expecting for it to happen so soon and I had made some commitments to do some things like go to sex down south and I wasn't prepared for that. I just wasn't.
Courtney Brame: So, I haven't been okay lately. And if you follow me on social media, you'll probably see that I haven't been posting near as much as I normally have, but it's just because I'm trying to focus here on this. And I'm also trying to focus on training now. So, that's one element of my life now that is freed up now that I don't have that particular job, that safety net. so things are about to get a little bit more risky here. And while I'm less active on social media, I'm still here. And you can always connect with me at courtney spf.org. but yeah, I haven't been okay and I've been telling people, my mom, I've been avoiding talking to her because she always knows. So, I went on and just told her cuz she can just hear it in my voice like, "What's wrong? Something wrong?" So, I told her everything and I was like, "Hey, don't worry." I'm doing something about it.
Courtney Brame: The anxiety from something like that, it shouldn't even be there, I feel like, but the anxiety is really fueling me to do the things that I'm doing as long as I'm doing things. So, I feel like the anxiety begins to get heavy and maybe become depression when there's nothing being done. So, as long as the anxiety energy or whatever it is is going through something, moving towards something, I think that I'm able to manage it. But that s*** hit hard, y'all. When I got that message, I was just like, what? I'm here. I'm doing this panel. I'm on vacation right now, so I'll just deal with it later. And I kind of put it off for the weekend. And I had delivered a bombass panel with the people who were there.
Courtney Brame: It was a great turnout and everything, but when I got back home, it was still kind of put away. But the other day, that s*** hit hard. I feel like I'm going through a breakup. That's the best way to describe it. I was telling Sierra that I was like, I feel like I'm legit going through a breakup. And normally when I'm going through a breakup or experiencing a breakup or I see that the relationship's ending, I go back to what's familiar and I know that that's a bad habit of mine and I'm going to do something different. This is a different thing for me to continue to do what I've been doing.
Courtney Brame: I mean, continue to just invest more of that energy and this free time that I have now Something Positive for Positive People into training people at Giving 100. So, yeah, if y'all need a personal trainer, hit me up. yeah, It's hard to talk about that kind of stuff. It's hard to talk about feelings and then the feeling of being a burden on other people. y'all don't come here for this kind of s***. And I said this in the last solo episode, but nobody came here for sad, depressed, anxiety driven Courtney. I come here to become self-empowered, for community, and for stigma education. And I'm going to be okay. I know that it's good to experience, express, exchange, and expand.
Courtney Brame: Like I said before, and going back to my exes. I like how I did that there. But, yeah. So, like I said, I haven't been posting because It's been better for me to just repost the kind of s*** that I need to see right now. So, on my social media, there's just a lot of that right now. And here's the explanation for it. So, I'm in a stage right now where I'm doing a lot of waiting responses from people I've submitted inquiries on having a grant. I'm waiting for responses to people from people who I've messaged about coming to train. And I think that that's probably the most challenging part in all of this is just waiting. So, I'm doing something and I'm feeling the emotions.
Overcoming Regret and Finding Presence
00:40:00 Courtney Brame: I've been doing my writing and in the writing I've discovered that there's just this intense feeling of regret. And I think that I've come to terms with the fact that that may be my biggest fear is having regrets, looking at a situation and saying, "Why didn't I blank at that point in time?" I would much rather look at things and say, "Why did I blank this way instead of this way?" If I'm able to do that, that means I took action rather than no action at all. And I feel like for a while I got comfortable in this relationship. And I didn't take the actions that were necessary. So moving forward, I'm taking all the actions. There's no right or wrong way to do things when you operate out of integrity. So I trust myself in being present and m upholding my integrity in the actions that I'm taking moving forward.
Courtney Brame: and I know things are going to work out, but that doesn't stop the thoughts and the feelings. So, if you're somebody who's also struggling with thoughts and feelings of how things might turn out later, the best advice that I can give you, what's helping me is being present. So, looking around the room, that shirt's orange and it's got transparent stripes on it. I'm in a closet. There's a sheet of paper right here with the statistics from the survey finding on it. My palms are sweaty because it's hot as hell in this closet and my voice is normal to me at least. My eyes are big and closing as if I'm talking right across from a person right now. My knees are shaking. Bring yourself to the present by identifying those things. And in this present moment, everything's okay. You're here. You're breathing. And for everything to be the way it is right now, you have to be here. You are necessary.
Courtney Brame: And if you can't bring yourself to say something like that*, reach out to me. I'll tell you you're necessary because you are. And just allow yourself. If you can't think of any sort of positive affirmation for yourself or you can't find the positive in anything right now or later or that you've done in the past, bring yourself back to the present. Be here and remember that you are necessary. So, that's all I got for everybody today. I know probably weren't expecting that to end the way that it did. But I think it's important for me to again just continue to be transparent here and let everybody know what's going on with me because I know when something's wrong with people when they post regularly and they just suddenly stop or their content changes or something like that.
Courtney Brame: as you know to check in with people when there's just an inconsistency so to speak. But again, for filling out the survey. Thank you for being necessary. Let's say that. There you go. I appreciate everyone who's made donations to Something Positive for Positive People. If you go to spfpp.org, you can donate with Vinmo because Vinmo doesn't take off any fees like PayPal does. and with every donation of $25 or more, if you send me your t-shirt size and email address or your physical address, I will send you a t-shirt. So, shoot me or just you can put that in the Venmo comments and make it private or you can just email me with your donation or whatever it is that works best for you.
Courtney Brame: The money is at this point being used to help connect people with these support groups and help people get therapy. Once we get a large chunk like I can actually say, we are sending X person because they'll be anonymous to a therapy session and we can get some testimonies off of that as well. and in this case of me getting out to Virginia for STD engagement, the money is going to pay for that kind of stuff. So like me flying out there an Airbnb and then whatever expenses are necessary for that time frame as well. So I appreciate everything that you guys have done so far, all the ratings and reviews because this podcast I have proof right here that it's helping people. And just because you're here and that means that you're helping people like this is your podcast.
00:45:00 Courtney Brame: This is your community. If it wasn't for y'all and the feedback that I've been getting, who knows what this would have turned into. But I'm happy that it is the way it is. And again, don't worry about me, I'mma be all right. Just I got y'all I got a community behind me. I got to be okay for y'all. So, I'm staying present and I'm doing my waiting and I'm just practicing this whole presence thing. And we're going to see how it works out. Till next time, stay sex positive.
Meeting ended after 00:46:01
