SPFPP 207: It's Not Bravery, It's Privilege

Today someone reached out to me at an interesting time. I’m currently listening to a book called “Forces for Good - The Six Practices of High-Impact Nonprofits”. In this book, I’m essentially experiencing validation that I’m doing 5 of the 6 things perfect. I’m on par with the top 12 Nonprofits in the United States. I do a lot with a little bit and to go from $1,200 in donations in 2019 to donations 2021 donations totaling more than $15,000, I realize just how much I missed focusing on what I haven’t done “well” (and I say that subjectively). The one area I lack in isn’t even an area I’m lacking. The one thing that keeps me from experiencing the success of larger Nonprofits is that they inspire action, advocacy, and people are loud and proud of the organization that serves them. I’m serving the most stigmatized group of people, those with herpes, and the very people I extend support to through Something Positive for Positive People are the very people so stigmatized that they literally cannot do what’s needed to make SPFPP what it needs to be in order to hit that next level.

This kind of thinking is where my head was before Emily and I recorded this podcast episode. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing the way that I’m supposed to be. It’s more important to me that I have an impact than do everything by the books. When I heard these successful Nonprofits aren’t all super structured, civilized, professional, etc. I felt seen. I let people tell me to make things look a certain way. I’ve let myself think I need to have funding from people who have the money putting us good will organizations against one another to compete for the resources to do good. What the fuck is that about? I knew that was happening but to hear it here in this book, I realized that I’m damn capable of making an impact as I have for the last almost 5 years with minimal resources. If I get more resources, then imagine the impact then! This book is expanding my perspective on serving through a Nonprofit. It’s also validating my self trust. The success is in the consistency. I know there are people I’ve helped that I’ll never hear from and people will never know the impact SPFPP had on them. I accept that. But DAMN it’s so hard to see that I have 5/6 of what makes the most impactful Nonprofits what they are and I’m just an allyship campaign away from being at that tier. That’s ego talking though, because it isn’t about that at all.

This reading and timing of this interview pulled me out of this inner conflict I’ve struggled with. I downplay the amazing impact I know I’m having on the people of the world because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable about me being open about my herpes status. Something Positive for Positive People will always be linked to herpes no matter how hard I try to connect it to mental health and suicide prevention. Me being open about my status is what’s allowed for us to touch as many people as I have so far. I thank my therapist who cut me off mid sentence when we spoke about my relationships being with people who seemed ashamed of the amazing work I do because it revolves around my openness about having herpes. He told me it’s not my responsibility to be less than for ANYONE. If me being who I am makes people uncomfortable, that’s for them to work through. I do have herpes. This is an important part of my life. I’m done turning that part of myself down.

Emily shares with me the insight in her own experience just why it can be challenging for some people to be open about their status as it impacts their income directly. She pointed out something in reference to educators who work with children and how they aren’t allowed to be human. I think that’s where the brave people are. For her to repress her being to be able to do what she loves to me is brave. This made me reflect on just how privileged I am to be able to say I have herpes to the internet and be met with no consequences, whereas she navigates the world in such a way that she looks like a superhuman/hero to the kids and parents of the kids she educates. I see ya’ll. I see the educators and people having to navigate stigma so cautiously due to anything connected to a flawed aspect of sex for a person can ruin their career. Emily showed me the other side of this and gave me all the more reason to stop inhibiting myself from connecting with people authentically. I catch myself slipping into “I work in mental health” when I talk to new people.

I’m going to keep making an impact and stop trying to separate herpes from Something Positive for Positive People to make people comfortable getting involved for the sake of growing like Nonprofits do. I’m going to make people MORE uncomfortable. I’m telling people who ask me this is exactly what I do. I’m 110% invested in SPFPP now. I disengaged from all external inhibitors of my ability to continue to create the impact I know I can. I’m invested. This wildfire of passion in my heart is now free to fuck shit up now! No more will I try keeping the flames at bay because a love interest doesn’t want anyone questioning their herpes status, or a friend hasn’t disclosed to a potential partner yet and they’re worried about how my disclosure will be received, and if someone is uncomfortable with associating with this impactful organization because of herpes, then I have to allow them to be there while I move onward expanding my messaging to reach those who need it. This’ll be what it’s supposed to be. It isn’t about growth for me anymore, it’s about consistency.

*Revised to reflect that it was not $26k… I had the totals of each month included with the Excel formula in some months when I was getting totals and that ended up almost doubling the total lol.