SPFPP 209: Stigma is a Barrier to Wholeness
Adrial Dale has had herpes 10-15 years ( After a while you just kinda throw out a window) and he is the founder of H Opportunity. We actually connected back in 2019 at SXSW in Austin, Texas. Adrial made the slides for the “Making Disclosure Sexy” talk I did with Ashley Manta, the Cannasexual and Laura Aisha from the Ignite Intimacy podcast. We connected recently over this herpes stat sheet he created in 2014 that’s been circulating in the herpes support groups I’m part of. The information is clearly outdated and I challenged people to challenge that information when they come across it. Since then, Adrial has updated that information and it can be found on his site, H Opportunity.
Swimming in stigma, Adrial sought out information that demonstrated the likelihood of him having a healthy sex-life post-diagnosis. He was cheated on by his partner and admits to being someone to make fun of people with herpes until he was diagnosed himself. His experience made him ask the question, “What stories are you telling yourself as a person with herpes?”. Alone, Googling herpes gives us a lot of assumptions and so many inconsistencies. During this episode, we look at a herpes diagnosis is the shovel that unearths what was already there for us! Self worth is associated with the feelings around our diagnosis.
Courage is a choice. Those of us open about our status aren’t brave, we’re privileged. It’s those of us who choose to look at and deal with it are the brave ones. Hitting rock bottom can be motivation enough to begin to take a look at what it means to be courageous. Adrial’s journey really kicked off when he joined a support group THEN lead one. Seeing others like you makes navigating this a lot easier. I see people jump into offering support before having gotten it themselves and there’s a number of different ways that can go. It’s important to understand what people are going through before you try and say you have a solution for them.
I often speak to this personally. I liked myself more around people who knew nothing about me except that I have herpes than I did around people who knew everything about me BUT that I had herpes. Take inventory on the version of yourself you like more. Do you like yourself more around those who KNOW you have herpes and nothing else about you or those who DON’T. Ask yourself this, “If herpes wasn’t what happened to you, then what would the trigger for change have been?”. Connection through pain/grief like “oh shit you too!?” offers a felt sense of deeper connection. Grieving our sexual selves after an STI diagnosis and the identity of our sexuality in the present and future or dwelling on what it used to be. We are all grieving when we’ve experienced intense emotion after a trauma. This healing can serve as rocket fuel for self-growth through acceptance.
Embrace your WHOLE self, herpes and whatever else knowing it makes you stronger and more connected to yourself and those around you! The ideal time to disclose is where sex convo overlaps into what it looks like with one another. It applies to hookups and slower developing connections. Sometimes disclosing our herpes status can be a shortcut to vulnerability and surefire connection.
Get clear on what info you want and look for that, but don’t get stuck on it. Look at the stats broken down and the impact it plays on your mental health until you find the aha moment. We need more information on barrier sex vs skin to skin contact sex rather than male to female sex as if we only do it for reproduction. Vulva to vulva sex is happening, and “use a condom” just doesn’t apply to this kind of sexual interaction. I really want to emphasize how importance it is to challenge the available information about HSV. While we ARE the resource, we’re not perfect. We only have what’s available to us and what others share with us, but challenge it to your lived experience and in spaces you feel safe to. Have some general foundational knowledge from the research as you look through/at stats for yourself. As we put our experiences out there, we learn the commonality. Check out Adrial Dale at https://www.herpesopportunity.com/