SPFPP 244: H is for Hero

The Iron Man analogy really got me thinking about Tony Stark and how similar I am to this Marvel character. If you’ve watched Iron Man’s movies through Avengers Endgame, you’ll definitely appreciate this episode start to finish seeing the comparisons from the comic universe and my reality.

I talk about Honmychest and what that persona represents. “The H is for….” is a comment I regularly make. It’s for herpes, hype, hope, healing, and healthy …. but that’s what others have interpreted it as. What the “h” in Honmychest stands for to me is hero. I find many more similarities in my creation of the persona Honmychest than anything else. The last 10 years of navigating my herpes diagnosis, I was able to cope using Honmychest, who was the hero I needed in the Iron Man suit to get me here where I am.

Just as Tony found himself in a situation he couldn’t get himself out of, he created a suit to get him out, it worked, and he worked on making that suit better, depending on it, so did I. Honmychest was my suit of armor against stigma. I relied on it, became it, leaving my real identity out to dry. I have more practice being my online persona than I do being myself. I think now is the time to practice that presence with my identity. I made the suit, it didn’t make me. I look at my accomplishments and just how much confidence I put into being honmychest that I realize, I was capable of doing that this whole time, but didn’t have practice being me!

Episode 244 Transcript

Changing Handles and the Superhero Alter Ego

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Let me start by addressing the elephant in the room. I have changed my Instagram name to @courtneybrame underscore. Obviously, Courtney Brame is a pretty popular name, so I had to put some type of modification to it. It's my dad's name. Um, and it's somebody else's, too, cuz I like wrote Courtney Brame cuz that's my cash app. She messaged me and was like, "Hey, um, this isn't me. Can you please?" I was like, "Oh, my bad. I didn't even realize it did that." So, I had to um yeah, go ahead and undo that post. But my cash app is @CourtneyBrame. I'm the original as well as my Venmo. Um, so if you do want to donate to Something Positive for Positive People and support the efforts of advocating for sex positive, pleasure positive, identity validating, and um, anti-stigmatizing healthcare, then you can do that. Now, if you're listening from outside of the country, outside the United States, you can donate via um, PayPal.

00:01:23 Courtney Brame: Uh the PayPal is just SPFPP or you can join our Patreon. Same thing, Something Positive for Positive People. So uh yeah, I had that like Tony Stark, Iron Man, Courtney Brame H on my chest moment where I realized that being H on my chest um like I've reverted to that. If you watch any superhero movie, then you see like the uh superhero and then the person who isn't the superhero, right? Like uh Black Widow was a great example of someone who was always in character. Uh Hawkeye, another one. Like they didn't have a mask. They were humans. They made their mistakes. They were flawed. They were also badasses as they were and they were that all the time. Whereas uh The Incredible Hulk, you know, Bruce Banner is Bruce Banner. He can't handle some things that the Hulk can handle. Tony Stark, he was in a dire situation of being held captive by mercenaries and they wanted him to build weapons.

00:02:33 Courtney Brame: He ended up making himself a suit in order to get out of that situation and that became his identity uh for Iron Man 1 2 3 and then uh the Infinity Wars uh Avengers, right? Um so these are just a couple of examples but I caught myself doing that like I reverted to the identity of something that I created which is much more limiting than it is for me to just be myself. And when I had the realization that I'm the person who created H on my chest. So what does it mean to be that person? Like who is that person who made H on my chest? Who is Courtney? I didn't have an answer to that. I have so much more practice being H on my chest, wearing my alter ego, my persona. My roommate is making a smoothie right now. It'll only be about 45 seconds or so, but uh you should still be able to hear me fine. And if you can't, I apologize, but who am I outside of being H on my chest?

Tinder Rejections and Missed Real-Life Connections

00:03:38 Courtney Brame: And this was something that I've been working to just integrate. In integrating it, I recognize that I just have so much more practice being a sexual health educator, being in a space of sex education and uh having absorbed the information and knowledge and belief systems and behaviors of people that I've only interacted with on social media and not in real life. And I recognize the cognitive dissonance between me as Courtney in real life versus me as H on my chest in real life versus me as H on my chest on social media. And there would be times where lines would get crossed between a person that there's mutual attraction, there's mutual curiosity, mutual interest, and I'm being H on my chest when I need to be Courtney, but I don't know who Courtney is. So, I'm just being H on my chest. And I think that it comes off as real, like robotic in a way. So, uh, I've been proactively putting myself in situations to be Courtney and figure out who Courtney is.

00:04:47 Courtney Brame: And not just in the context of or in the uh, presence of a relationship or with someone who I'm attracted to. It's been me going out on my own. So, I'll give you this past weekend, for example, on Friday, I went to a concert. Uh, this DJ Frankie Wah was in town, WAH, and he performed at this EDM club that I had never been to. The tickets were like 15 bucks, so I was like, "Hell yeah, I'll do that." And I went and um I didn't drink there. I had like a couple of shots before I left the house just because that's what I'll do. Like, I'll pregame and then not spend money out. So, I took the bus over and I was there and I was battling this internal dialogue with myself between I need to leave at the time of the last bus or I can leave when I'm ready to leave. So, leaving with the last bus, I wouldn't have to pay. I have a bus pass, but if I left when I wanted to leave, I would have had to Uber home or I would have had to walk like four miles.

00:05:51 Courtney Brame: I wasn't going to do that at 1:00 a.m. So, um I decided to stay. And while I was there, I got there early. The show didn't start until 10. 10 p.m. was when the opening DJ came. But at midnight was when the DJ came. I was sitting down on the bench and there was this lady, probably three people over from me and she was just by herself. I was on my phone. I was texting uh well I wasn't texting. I thought I was about to get some. So I was on um uh Tinder and I was messaging someone and the conversation seemed to be going really well. So I was like, "Ooh, I'm invested in this. I'm invested in this. So, meanwhile, I've got this woman who's sitting about three people away from me that I could have just struck up a conversation with and I chose not to. And this is one of the things in my life like I'm very. I don't have a whole lot of fears about anything.

00:06:44 Courtney Brame: Um obviously like I don't want to I'm going to not get hit by a car if I can avoid that and avoid things that could kill me. Yes. But um I caught myself avoiding the potential for rejection here only to have it happen where I gave more of my focus. So I wasn't being present to where I was in the environment. I was very goal oriented in the sense of trying to get something. I had the house for my weekend or I had the house to myself this weekend. My roommate was out of town and yeah I could have been as loud as I wanted to. I was excited about that. So, um, I matched with someone on Tinder and in her bio it just says men are trash. So, we matched and I was like, "Oh, okay. Well, if we matched there must be something there." So, I just messaged her and I was like, you know, garbage is a little more sophisticated than trash is.

00:07:37 Courtney Brame: Like, I prefer to be addressed as such. And she thought that was funny. So, we were texting, asked her, you know, what brings you to the dump then? you know, and um a little bit of back and forth and she eventually inquires on my sex education cuz I have like I I work in sex education on my bio and she said, you know, without getting sexual or anything like that, you know, can you tell me a little bit about that? I was like, "Oh, well, here's what it is. This is what I do. I teach uh medical students to give genital exams at a university here and I also like to teach educators how to educate youth about sex without talking about sex. And she was so fascinated by that. She inquired on that part because she said she was looking for a nonprofit to work with to educate the youth that she works with. So I approached her about it in a way that was like okay you know this is Tinder.

00:08:29 Courtney Brame: I'm on Tinder for the sake of being on Tinder. So are you. We matched. So now we're talking about business. Where's the line? Can you do both or what? Cuz I mean my pleasure is business and business is my pleasure, right? So um she said she was like, "Oo, well, yeah, we can do both. I don't see why not. Why can't we do both?" And um she seemed excited about learning more and getting to know me. I was like, "All right, well, since you are cool with this, here's the website, spf.org." and uh she mentioned uh like talking about it more on our first date. So I was like, "Oh, I'm typing uh just go through the next steps of what the date is and the messages disappear." If you use Tinder or any date now and your message just abruptly disappears, usually you've been blocked or you've been unmatched and you just cannot connect with that person anymore.

00:09:22 Courtney Brame: So, I have to make the assumption that because I sent her my website, eventually she got to the about page and she saw that I had herpes before I got to tell her. I don't have my herpes status in my Tinder bio. I have it in my field bio. I have a voice prompt on Hinge and I have a prompt on Bumble uh that lets people know something in relation to me and herpes and that I'm connected to it. But it's also something that I address after the fact too. Like just because it's in my bio doesn't mean that a person read my bio. So I'm very mindful of that. Um but yeah, she just unmatched like right away and after uh like me thinking that she was invested and engaged and I was invested to the point where I wasn't present with what was happening around me. So, there's this lady and even throughout the night, I noticed that she was like in proximity even as we were dancing.

00:10:18 Courtney Brame: And it just felt like no time was a better time to have spoken to her than initially when she was just sitting by me and I could have just been like, "Hi, I'm Courtney." And that has never failed me to this day. I just use it so sparingly that I like the fact that it's undefeated. I'm undefeated with, "Hi, I'm Courtney." Um, but I got to let that go. And I again allowed myself to be pulled out of the present moment because I had a motive, you know, and that's what it was. I thought that my odds were better on Tinder than they were in real life. And that's not the case. That's some H on my chest s*** because I'm more comfortable with being H on my chest on the internet than I am being Courtney in real life. And I know I can't be the only one that's dealing with that. Uh especially with the way that we demonstrate love, the way that we stay connected to people through sending memes to each other online and that being like our uh substitute of physical connection or contact or even like a phone call or text messages or check-ins.

Finding Presence: River Floats and Rope Classes

00:11:26 Courtney Brame: You know, if I send you this meme, I made you laugh, you're in a good mood, we can have an exchange about this. uh good moods, oxytocin, dopamine, whatever chemical, serotonin, whatever it is that you produce when you feel good connecting with another person. And I'm over that. I'm honestly over that uh being the way of connecting. Like, yeah, it's one thing to be able to stay in contact for like a frequency, but um it it it doesn't carry the same value. And just because we send memes to each other, that doesn't mean that we're friends. It just means to me that you like the person that I present myself to be online in relation to who you are online. So maybe people use it to just feel better about themselves being online or not having an in-person uh social life or encounters as much as they would like to. And I'd also like to give this to you know uh we are still in the pandemic and depending on where you get your information from COVID surges are spiking but like this isn't new to me.

00:12:28 Courtney Brame: having herpes for I'm actually going on 10 years. I thought it was nine, but um having had herpes for 10 years now and hearing things like STI cases are on the rise and knowing that, you know, there are things that you can do to prevent transmission and there are things that are just completely unavoidable. Mistakes are made, everyone is as careful as they can be and that things are still going to happen. Like that's kind of where my mindset is. Like I'm very much parallel in my understanding of navigating COVID with navigating STI. You know that you're going to do a thing that's risky. So if you're going to have sex, it's risky. If you're going to go out to a festival or dancing, it's risky. Um, but h I don't. I don't want my identity and my life to, you know, be on hold because I know people who are still waiting on a herpes cure who've been like, "Oh my god, there's going to be a cure. They're so close.

00:13:27 Courtney Brame: There's a vaccine." I've been hearing this since even before I had herpes that there was going to be a cure. There was going to be a vaccine. And then I got herpes. And I started working on myself. of the obsession that I could have had on a cure became me working aggressively on myself and I became the kind of person who was capable of creating the persona H on my chest because of that selfwork because of that uh seemingly addiction I would say like I think that many of us have an inherent addiction or addictive personality we can blame whatever substance uses from parents we can blame societal pressures and the media and influences and all of that. But at the end of the day, I think we all have an internalized drive for self. And that drive for self, if we're distracted, can be applied to drinking. It can be applied to partying. It can be applied to sex. It can be applied to drug use.

00:14:27 Courtney Brame: It can be applied to work-aholism. But when we direct that within ourselves, I think that we get much of a more healthy sense of our identities. We get more pleasure out of life. And I say pleasure in life in a way that uncouples it away from sex exclusively. So yes, if we are selfed in that way to where we are self-prioritizing, then yeah, we're going to get more pleasure out of the things that we um immerse ourselves in. We get more pleasure out of our relationships, more pleasure out of just waking up in the morning, more pleasure out of our workouts, more pleasure out of our meals, more pleasure out of the work that we do, more pleasure out of the rest that we take for ourselves. And my ass is up in this club where people are socializing likely, like-minded in the sense of wanting human connection and to be talked to. When I'm with someone who's clearly by herself and I ain't talked to her because I was so caught up in being uh h on my chest like more comfortable with that rather than getting to practice being Courtney.

00:15:42 Courtney Brame: Could that lady have rejected me or rejected my approach? Yeah, probably. But at the end of the day, like this was a person who was there. Human connection was on the table and I wasn't present to that. So, I really chalk up a lot of the uh issues and rejections that I've experienced to just not being present and not being present in the sense of having herpes on the back of my mind most of the time because I mean, I can't say it wasn't there. Like, oh, you know, what if things do go well? What if I do take this woman home and I got to tell her I got herpes and she's not okay with it. Not all right, well, what if you know, we get up out of here earlier. We like conversation. DJ comes out. We dance a little bit to that first beat, drop, make out, leave in her car because she drove and that way I don't have to pay for an Uber.

00:16:28 Courtney Brame: And then we go back to my house. I tell her I have herpes and she's like, "Oh my god, me too." And I just got tested recently and I'm available. And then we have sex for the entire weekend. Like I didn't think about that. I was just like, "Man, this girl on Tinder." And then a girl on Tinder rejects me. That should have been reason enough for me to go and talk to this person who was in front of me. I didn't and I let my own lack of practice being myself keep me away from having the potential type of interaction that I wanted to have. Now, another thing is that I've set the intention of making more friends here in Portland, Oregon. One of those uh and that came to be because I did say later I missed my last bus. I had to go to the bathroom. went to the bathroom to pee and there was this other Black dude there kind of looked like Whiz Khalifa guy.

00:17:22 Courtney Brame: He had dreads. He was tall. He was skinny and he was dressed… he was dressed pretty well. Um, like he was like in hip-hop culture. Let me say that. And um so he I said what's up to him in the bathroom and then he invited me to his uh afterparty. I was like hell yeah. So I got his number. We shot the s*** a little bit. Found out he was from the Midwest and then grew up in the South. Um he was born in the Midwest and grew up in the South. So, we got to connect. I got his uh number and then not too long after that, I left. I went and I got some food at like 1, whatever. And then um came to the afterparty and just got to meet some people. There were some of the people who were at the EDM place who came to the afterparty that I was dancing next to and didn't speak to and they had drugs and they had a good time and I just wasn't present to that.

00:18:14 Courtney Brame: But when I was present to my intention of making more friends, this happened. So that was really cool. And um I didn't stay all night cuz I had to get up the next day and go floating, which was one of the uh someone that I interviewed on the podcast, I just happened to reach out to um and she was like, "Oh, well, we're going floating. We have room if you want to join." And I was like, "You know what? Yes. What do I need to bring?" So I was able to come. in. We went to the grocery store before. I got like some sushi before. Um I got a couple bags of potato chips and this big sandwich that's normally like $8. It was $3.99. It was huge. So I got it for everybody. And I also got some fruit. Um so I brought this uh with me floating and then we all went on the water.

00:18:59 Courtney Brame: I think there was six of us. Six or seven. 1 2 3 4 5 six. It was six of us. Yeah. And um yeah, like being present. I was there and had great conversations. I got to have some human time. I was on the water. Uh I shared my sandwich and my chips and people shared their things that they contributed. We won't go into too many details about what those things were. Um and yeah, we just had a good time and I made some friends uh who like doing camping, floating outdoor stuff and that was so cool to me. And then I had plans already booked like a comedy show for that night. Now, I was exhausted cuz we went floating was probably from I had to go from I went to uh the gym at 8 and then I went to my friend's place at about 10:30 to get ready for the to get picked up and then we went to the grocery store and then we got onto the river probably about noon and then I got back home at about 6 pm.

00:20:06 Courtney Brame: I took a shower and then I took my ass a nap because I had to be at this comedy show at 10 that I had RSVP for. It was so hard for me to get up and go to this. But I made it. I got dressed. I made it. I went and um it was really good. Uh and I met someone there too. A guy that was sitting three seats away from me this time instead of my left like the woman from the EDM concert. It was over to my right. And he said, "I like your shirt." And that was the initiation of a conversation. Um, we were talking. I told him what I did. He told me what he does and uh after the show we ended up exchanging phone numbers and unfortunately we couldn't meet today because I had a podcast recording and I got to pick my friend up from the airport. We were going to go and have coffee.

00:20:48 Courtney Brame: I don't like coffee but uh I like to eat food. So, uh yeah, I'm just not a coffee person at all. And uh I guess now that I'm saying this out loud, like dating and uh like vetting for friendship are very similar. And even though they're different, they're obviously different, but they're very similar because you have an intention with dating, you have an intention with friendship. And I think a lot of times in dating, people don't really know what they want. They're just looking for a connection. And it's the same thing with uh friendships. Like I don't really know what I'm looking for. I’m just like not wanting to be by myself. And I spend a lot of energy, pursuing partners, dating, and trying to have sex. Like, I'm not doing that here. I want to put that energy into having experiences platonically, going to do stuff, getting invited to things, and having people to invite to things that I'm interested in. So, uh yeah, we connected on Saturday night and then on Sunday I rested for the morning, but there was um a rope class at this sex club here and I got to go and I went and um I brought my rope just in case.

00:22:05 Courtney Brame: I didn't know what I was in for. Um, I got there right on time when it started. I got a seat and I was just chilling. I was uh like what's the word I'm looking for here? Um, it felt like, you know, people all knew each other and I didn't know anyone. I saw a guy who I thought I seen before when I went to a game night there. Uh, and he was with this woman and I was like, I cannot remember his name. And it wasn't weird to me that he didn't say hi to me because I'm sure like he could have been thinking a number of different things. But um for me it's like I don't want to come off as like especially in this space being that Black dude that thinks all white people look alike. So I want to mistake him for somebody else. I was like dude I think that's him.

00:22:53 Courtney Brame: And I didn't confirm it until he came and sat close to me. And I just asked if I cannot remember your name if that was you from the game. He's oh yeah yeah it's me Alex. I was like oh. And he said it in a way it was like oh no bro like you ain't tell me. And Alex wasn't his name. I'm like using that as an example, but I was like, "Damn, you couldn't have said hi." So, I said hi to them. Um, but I met two other people. So, someone recognized me from something. She couldn't remember what. And I just assumed it was a podcast. So, we um we she sat by me and we were there for the class. We got to tie each other up and practice with each other. She had another friend and it was real cool because we got to talk about things like uh race play and how things that we don't even identify as being race play, being race play, um like being a bull, being a cuckold or hot wifeing, queen of spades, these things.

00:23:50 Courtney Brame: I was like, whoa. Like this is really cool to be able to have this kind of conversation. Um, I'm not going to say there was any like initial sexual attraction because we're there for this thing and it's like we're here for rope and that was like the mindset that I adopted coming into it. I'm here for the rope stuff. And um some of the people there were real friendly that were helpful that were like, "Hey, you know, here's how you can do that a little bit better." So, there was an instructor who was demonstrating on her uh her pet. Like, I won't go into too many details. cuz I don't want nobody to find out that I'm like talking about this stuff and um being too specific. So, like I'm throwing off dates and using different names or not using names at all. Um but it was cool cuz I finally got to tie somebody up and I just at the wrist or the ankle like I really got to. I got to make a harness that was really cool and I did it a couple of different times in a couple of different ways.

00:24:45 Courtney Brame: But it's such a difference between just tying the knots and then actually having a body because it can. It is a very sensual experience between preventing the person from getting rope burn or from having that friction or impact on them. And like the person that I tied up or one of the people that I tied up cuz I tied up a few people uh was just in a a trans and I like I guess it was like this subspace thing and I just like checked in periodically cuz I learned like some stories about checking in more frequently than what you would think. and she was just like in the zone, like just enjoyed being tied up. And it felt so good to just have an experience doing to someone that something that I'm learning that I'm really into to someone who is really into it and knows that they're really into it. So the dynamic there is unlike anything else that I can say I've experienced. but to just have that knowing that I like to do this thing to someone and someone else being like I really like having this thing done to me and when it's communicated I thought that um that created uh like an intensified pleasurable experience and that was pleasure.

00:26:08 Courtney Brame: The pleasure for me was being able to give in the way that I wanted to give to someone who can receive in the way that they like to receive and from a person who is giving and capable of doing so in that way. Now granted, I only tied a single column tie um and a harness. These are the only two things that I did because that's all I know. Like I'm, I'm good at that now. Like I feel good about this. I want more practice at it and then I'll be able to get into the restraint stuff. And then I did like the um I forgot the name of it, but the leg tie where uh if you're sitting on the floor on your butt, you bring your heel in towards your glutes and then like you get tied at the ankle and then around the thigh and then like you can't straighten your leg. I forgot what it's called. Ah, but I'm learning.

00:27:01 Courtney Brame: I'm getting there. Um, what else happened? But yeah, that was my weekend. Like I socialized. I got to meet um the guy from the EDM place. I met the guy at the comedy show. And then I met these two women at um the rope class. And it was so cool that like I don't know that I would have approached anybody and been like, "Hi, I'm Courtney. Like you, can we tie each other up?" Um but she saw me and recognized me from where she recognized me from. It was podcast related, but it wasn't my podcast. It wasn't my nonprofit. It was a thing I was a guest on that she just so happened to have liked listening in on and remembered me from. So, that was really f****** sweet, man. And I'm I'm I'm excited about that. Um, but I share all of this because this is me practicing being Courtney.

Retiring "H on My Chest" to Become Courtney

00:27:49 Courtney Brame: I'm going to EDM concerts, which I like. I'm going to sex clubs, which I like. I'm doing s*** I can't swim, but I'll go to the river. I'll go to, you know, places that I feel safe or comfortable. I shouldn't have said that. I can't swim. Well, all right. I don't want nobody leaving here like, "Oh, Black people really can't swim." No, it's not that. I can get from point A to point B. Point B just can't be too far away. And yeah, that's it. That's my only reservation. Okay. Water I can stand up in. I'm all about it. Uh water that um like I can see the shore from and probably get there in 2 minutes. I can do that. Anything else? He gave me a floaty. Give me a floaty and I might be all right.

00:28:36 Courtney Brame: Uh but yeah, these have been pleasant experiences of practicing being Courtney. And I mentioned this whole process of uh uncoupling your identities from things that you've wanted that once served you but now don't. And allow that to be what brings your journey inward to decide what your values are and be able to intentionally go back out into the world but consciously. It's like a rebirth redoing. You know, we have that expansion unconsciously and then we have our awakening and we kind of come back. We unlearn things. We realize what doesn't work for us and then bam we expand again but from a place of knowing uh or having a better understanding about what does work for us right um I started a men's group it's uh viewing masculinity through a lens of vulnerability once I get a space secured I'm going to um go ahead and have us I'm going to plan for our first meetup and be able to get together for that because uh I think that it's important for me asked Courtney to answer those questions that I had for myself when I picked up my journal.

00:29:47 Courtney Brame: When I went back home, I found my old journals from 2015. And that was one of the things that I was looking at, like what does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be masculine? What does it mean to be Courtney? So, I'm using masculinity as a pathway of reconnecting to self, that essence of what connects us all together, of what we might have just forgotten was there. And I think that that's the awakening process once we start to um identify who we are at our core, our values, what's important to us, and then we begin to expand back out into the world consciously. We're bringing that essence, that presence with us. So, I'm in the process of being aware and able to become more present to what's going on. Uh but clearly after this weekend, like I'm shifting. I'm there. Uh but it's practice. It takes practice. Um I'm prioritizing practicing presence as a way of being myself because I know who H on my chest is, but I can't say that about Courtney.

00:30:51 Courtney Brame: Courtney created H on my chest. Courtney founded Something Positive for Positive People. Like if somebody were to ask me who I am right now, I can't answer that. I can't meaningfully and truthfully answer that. I'd be able to say I don't know. But also like there's part of me that thinks to myself, you know, well, is that something that can be answered? You know, like you don't want to look at somebody in the eye and say I'm God. Like that look at you crazy and think you're the most arrogant person in the world. But essentially like that's what we are at that core and our essence like we are all um essence of the source that once connected us all and we still have that energetic emotional connection uh between us all all of us. It's just a matter of who's willing to cut through the superficiality, the um perceptions of reality and how we're supposed to interact with each other in order to interact with each other.

00:31:48 Courtney Brame: So that's where I'm at. Like I'm making the attempt to do that by uncoupling my identity as H on my chest from Courtney because Courtney is more than H on my chest. H on my chest has a very limited um as infinite as he seems. Like he's very limited in his capacity and what he can do. You know, that's my suit. That's my Iron Man suit. That's my Hulk out. That's my Captain America shield. you know, take that away from me and I'm still me. But having that identity serves its purpose. It has meaning. It's important to some people. Um but I think that it's more important for me to be Courtney than it is for me like it is just any way that it has been for Tony Stark to be um for Iron Man to be Tony Stark and uncouple his identity from that. Cuz Tony Stark got the Infinity Stones and made the device that switched it out with Thanos and he made the sacrifice.

00:32:54 Courtney Brame: He snapped his fingers. He gave his life away in order to restore things the way that they were. Iron Man couldn't have done that. Iron Man would have shot Projector Blast like Iron Man fought Thanos and lost. Tony Stark fought Thanos and won. Damn, that's that's some deep ass s*** right there, ain't it? Oh, I love animation and cartoons, superhero stuff, anime, because it speaks to my soul and it really very much aligns with my identity, who I am, who I believe myself to be. Uh, like a hero. I really do resonate with that. Like um I joke about the H on my chest being for herpes, hype, and hope. I mean, which it is and can be depending on the recipient of what H on my chest is. But for me, man, it's a hero. H on my chest was the hero that Courtney Bra needed when he was diagnosed with herpes.

00:33:57 Courtney Brame: that that 23/22 year old version of myself that was positive for herpes man needed this. I needed H on my chest and I was incapable of navigating the world in the way that I was and for those four years until H on my chest became H on my chest like I didn't have confidence. My herpes diagnosis took that away from me. And here I am now 10 years later and I'm mad. I'm f****** pissed that I allowed for this to take so much of my life from me. And I look at the pandemic and I'm just more pissed. I'm re-pissed because here we are two years, two and a half years later and it's still impacted my life. And the last two and a half years, to be completely honest, have done more for me than the entire 10 years that I've been diagnosed with herpes. And what I mean by that is I felt like the years that I spent, you know, being afraid, not dating, getting to this point.

00:35:05 Courtney Brame: It took me 10 years to get to this point. So, I'm going to say like 10 years of my life were taken away from me because of my herpes diagnosis. And I'm at peace with that now. Two years of my life of the 10 years of that have been taken away from me in a sense of being able to connect with other people uh in the ways that I was on the trajectory of like I had opportunities that were on the table. I had people who I was interested in connecting with and getting to know and like it just changed things. That's it. like it my herpes diagnosis changed things and the pandemic changed things but all for the right you know reasons. Um ever since the pandemic started I was able to get my uh therapist. I've been in therapy for two and a half years. I just took a little bit of a break for financial reasons, but um uh I've been consistently in therapy I can say for aside from 2-3 months, 3 years almost almost no it's it's two and a half.

00:36:11 Courtney Brame: I don't want to say three years because I'd be rounding up too much. But man, how helpful it's been, how supportive it's been, how I've been able to connect with myself as a result of having a safe space to just talk through these emotions and why I feel the way that I feel and obtaining language to things that I never had language to change my life. change the life of Courtney, not change the life of H on my chest. And with Courtney's life being changed, the hero that H on my chest has become, you know, has served its purpose. H on my chest has served its purpose. And it's time for Courtney Bra to serve his. You know, I looked up and I moved here to Portland, Oregon. Courtney did that. You know, H on my chest just be online. H on my chest receives the messages, has these resources out there, but Courtney is a person who talks to these people, who hypes them back up, who gives them hope, you know, who um who offers them healing, their hero.

00:37:23 Courtney Brame: I'm my hero. H on my chest was my hero. And I hope that, you know, Courtney can continue to be yours, but also Courtney got to practice being Courtney. And I look at my wall. I have every check that I've gotten here Portland, Oregon from in uh as a reminder, you know, Courtney's doing this. Like the most recent one was a $5,000 check from the funding that I got when I moved out here. And that is like Courtney did that. Ho my chest is very like H on my chest is for the people who have herpes. Like he was there for me the way that I needed him to be there. Courtney is the business person. H on my chest can't run no business. Courtney can. And I I forget that I need these reminders. I need this practice. And my confidence is so much more uh like the insecurities that I had.

00:38:39 Courtney Brame: I had an insecurity about my finances and an insecurity about just not knowing what I don't want to say. I don't know what I want. It's more so not knowing what I can have because of my financial situation. like not knowing what things are going to look like. I didn't know where I was going to be living really. Like I thought that my living arrangement was much more shortterm. Um but it's not like I'm here. I'm here and I'm thriving. Courtney is thriving and H on my chest again. While it served its purpose, he served its purpose. Courtney is going to be the one to carry this thing further. like how I got here is not going to be how I stay here. So, it's it's much bigger than me. It's much bigger than social media. It's much bigger than the podcast. And one of my board members, Elise, she's been saying this to me from day one.

00:39:35 Courtney Brame: She's like, "Courtney, it's not just a podcast. You got to think bigger than the Instagram account. Think bigger than social media. Think bigger than the podcast." And that was when I realized because Courtney got this job as um a a a um what do I call it as someone who gives genital- who teaches genital exams to medical students and that's Courtney. Courtney did that. And now I want to teach health care professionals how to take a sexual history and give them the practice to do so on sex educators. Courtney did that. And the more that I'm beginning to dissolve the glasses, the lens of H on my chest, like take off my visor, like when Iron Man sees, you know, Jarvis, when he's in his Iron Man suit, Jarvis is showing him everything that's happening, right? And it allows for him, Tony Stark to make decisions accordingly, removing the mask that would be Jarvis. I can theoretically um like to see more intuitively like what kind of trust did I build with myself through the practice of being H on my chest now?

00:40:47 Courtney Brame: How can I practice letting go of that and being Courtney? I encourage y'all to do that if you haven't already. Maybe you can create yourself a persona that can handle uh rejection, that can handle living with herpes, that can handle all of these um everything that comes with that. Or maybe you need a persona to get through the day. Maybe you need a persona to get through work. But know that if you are capable of creating that, that that's not something that you need to live up to. It needs to live up to you. You are capable. You are your own hero. Be your own hero. Be your own hero because that's what it was for me. Like H on my chest for me, man. Hero. H is for hero. And man, like I said, I'm mad that I'm late to the game, but I'm happy to be here.

Channeling Anger into Healthcare Reform

00:41:40 Courtney Brame: I probably wouldn't have made it to this point without the experiences that I've had leading up to this for me to have this realization. And while yes, again like I'm angry that anger has fueled me and I didn't realize like all this time I have been mad. I've been mad and that's why I go so deep into my self-reflections. That's why I have more than a dozen notebooks full of journal entries. And that's why I brought notebooks back for me to be able to fill in with more journal entries because that's where my anger's gone. My anger's gone into that. My anger's going to the sex education system and that we need to be better educated about sex, about relationships in order to put myself out of business. I don't want to be doing this s*** for the rest of my life cuz that means I haven't done anything. I would love for herpes stigma to just be over with. And this podcast being the resource that it is, I hope that people are able to find what it is that they need and then move on and then move on as people who are more confident navigating the world, sharing these informational resources and aligning with me and helping me get the opportunities to speak to health care providers.

00:42:52 Courtney Brame: All I need is a shot, y'all. I just need a shot. Give me Give me the chance. If you are connected to a health care facility that you know damn well could use practice taking a sexual history on people of various identities. If you know that your co-workers are stigmatizing, you know that they invalidate people's identities. If you know that they're not sex positive and they're very like sex negative, like hit me up. You can anonymously email me and just tell me who I need to contact, where I need to contact them, and I'll go from there. But I'm offering these simulational experiences for health care providers who take a sexual history of patients so that they can practice like not having this uh presumptuous health care for heteronormative monogamy culture people because we miss out on giving people the best health care that they can get simply by being uncomfortable with talking about things that are uncomfortable like how a person receives pleasure, how person gives pleasure.

00:43:56 Courtney Brame: It's not exclusively about intercourse. And once we can uncouple intercourse from sex, sex from pleasure, we are able to in a much more effective way provide the best level of health care possible. And I think that with that comes the willingness to not just talk about sex, but also sex education and sexual health so that people are able to obtain the tools that they need in order to most effectively communicate with partners and keep each other as safe as we can be uh as we navigate a world where some people just don't know their status, people don't have symptoms, some people do, some people don't care. Like we have to be able to navigate all of these things and we can't just act like they don't exist or be like no more stigma in stigma. We need a cure. Like that's not where my energy is going. My energy is going straight to the source of things that we can do now. So it's about taking action right now.

00:44:47 Courtney Brame: Um and I'm here. Like I'm here. I'm doing that. And supporting me now looks that way. Supporting me now looks like presenting and giving me these opportunities to put my business in front of health care professionals so that we can make for people getting better sexual health histories and uh better information like whether you have herpes or not like you can get involved now it doesn't it's not about you outing yourself you heard about this organization that does this thing it advocates for anti-stigmatizing identity validating pleasure positive health care that's it that is it and this includes mental health. If your therapist is sex negative or if you have a sex positive therapist that I need to be connected to, like send these to me. I need these things. Like Something Positive now has uh gotten to a point where it's a business now. Like I'm actually getting donations. I'm actually getting funding. And now I am capable of doing the things that I wish that I would have been doing a lot sooner, which is going straight to the source of stigma, the health care field.

00:45:55 Courtney Brame: So that's how you can support me. And if you um your organization or you want to make a donation, uh you can just hit me up and find out how to do that. The best way to uh make a donation. But if you go to www.spfpp.org, or you'll see options for Vinmo, Cash App, and uh how to become a Patreon subscriber. But yeah, I also take checks. The organization takes checks. Um I'm still not paying myself through the organization yet. Uh this grant that I got, it's $10,000. I have to pay myself because the money is going to the labor of the project that I'm doing. It's a research collection, data collection. and you'll start to hear those podcast episodes as soon as I get um I got two more interviews to do with people in the state of Oregon in order to um fulfill the needs of the the project and then bam, that'll be a dozen podcast episodes and a report that comes back speaking to um how sex positivity is really playing a role in STD prevention.

00:46:59 Courtney Brame: Like that's essentially it. You can follow me on Instagram again uh at @CourtneyBrame_. It's just my first and last name and then underscore at the end. Um I'm still H on Twitter and Reddit. my chest on And then on Tik Tok, I'm subscribed to the podcast. Like getting our numbers up, getting the information out there, this resource, these resources out there. Like you shouldn't be afraid of people outing you for having herpes anymore. Like I think that you've listened to enough episodes if you made it here to know that that's not happening. It's not a thing. Like just because you share useful information, one doesn't by default out you. That's our own fears and projections on that. And then two, like it shows support, man. Like how much have you gotten out of this podcast, out of these guests, out of people's efforts to do something to dissolve stigma? And you know, meanwhile, I can't even get a five star rating out of you.

00:48:19 Courtney Brame: I can't even get a review out of you. I can't even get constructive criticism or feedback. I get people who message me, who don't follow me, who like to take on a regular basis like here, give to the cause in a way that is safe. It's safe for you to support uh an organization that does something that has meaning to you, whether it be direct or secondary or tertiary or even if to somebody you know, like this is my call to action because I'm at a point now where I realize I cannot do all of this on my own. I'm going to keep trying because like I'm a man and that's just like what I do and I'm bullheaded and I'm stubborn as f***. So, I'm going to continue to do what I can on my own until I can't anymore. But y'all can definitely keep me from burning out, keep me alive a little bit longer if y'all just like make it easier on me. So, support even just by making connections, making recommendations, making suggestions, hitting me with feedback on my blind spots. Like, all of that is appreciated, y'all. So, thank you so much.

Transcription ended after 00:49:56