SPFPP 282: Be the Best Option
My trip to South Africa really gave me some useful insights to incorporate into my day to day as all travels should. During my trip, I went on a Safari. It was really something to see lions, ostrich, rhinos, elephants, buffalo, giraffes, and zebras and antelope out in something like their own natural habitat. Our tour guide for the Safari would stop the vehicle and point out some of the natural laws of the species when it came to how they coexist. He spoke about how the female just is there and when she’s ready to mate, she’ll only mate with the best option.
She ain’t gotta go on no healing journey, have a cleanse, get her ish together, her finances right, her body right, she just decides she’s ready to mate. What’s said here about mating can be applied to dating. It’s “I’m ready, which one of ya’ll gone come get this (insert cat emoji)”. And then the hunger games start and the most competitive suitors fight it out. As humans, our fight doesn’t look like literally killing one another. The male species is held to a different standard in the human sector. It’s also about environment. The most fit in an environment, the most respected (or feared) in an environment, the most comfortable/safe territory guarded in an environment is who the female chooses.
In the animal kingdom, the female chooses what male gets to mate. She knows this so there is no added pressure on her to become fit, secure her own territory, be respected or feared by her peers. The males have to get their ish together and if they’re born with disadvantages, they do have to work harder to secure mating. The harder a female works to mate, the less the male will work to secure a mate. Now this is transitioning over into mating in 2023 which you’ll have to listen to the podcast for more details on.
This and the next few episodes will be about my own dating experiences if you care for that. I’m in the process of getting interviews with health care providers for SPFPP.
If you need at home STI testing, here’s the link: https://shamelesscare.com/?ref=643
Episode 282 Transcript
Introduction, Updates, and Sponsors
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a self-help resource for people with herpes. We're a 501c3 nonprofit organization. If you found value in any of the resources, the podcast, or uh otherwise, please consider making a donation. Um, it's Courtney Brame on Venmo, Courtney Brame on Cash App. PayPal is Something Positive for Positive People. And you can also become a Patreon subscriber. Uh, Patreon subscribers don't get much of anything as I do believe that this resource needs to be available and accessible to as many people as possible. So, I don't want to put a pay wall up. Welcome y'all. Uh, it's been a minute. It's been a minute since I recorded a new episode. I know that I did my herpes 10 year anniversary um from South Africa, but prior to that uh I think it had been at least a month cuz I recorded four episodes in one day in New York.
00:01:32 Courtney Brame: And those were the ones that you heard about uh sex education with Justine. We talked about hookup culture with Nina. We talked about um we with I spoke with the person whose name I'm not supposed to say… uh who had the accent. She had a Puerto Rican accent, I believe. Um and then I talked about health care uh with a friend of mine who has worked in health care advocacy with me in the past. So yeah, uh there were those. And then um I've got that new sponsor, Shameless Care. If you purchase an STI test kit by just following the link that I'll have in the show notes and in the bottom of the blog post this podcast. Um, if you purchase an at home STI test kit, I get $50. So, yay. Please uh consider supporting our sponsors and checking out other podcast episodes as well if you haven't already. If this is your first one, I'd say that this is a really good episode.
00:02:37 Courtney Brame: Um, and so will the next two or three. I want to make this in the next few episodes specifically about dating from my personal experience. And I always say that dating with herpes is just like dating. And I get questions from people about how dating is with herpes. And I'm in a very unique position because I'm open about my herpes status. And so that on one hand invites people who are already okay with that, who know that uh like shooting a shot for instance, or if I'm putting myself out there, the conversation has to happen very early because it's so intertwined with what it is that I do outside of work or when people bring it up. I really don't think about herpes. Um disclosing is very smooth for me. Uh I don't have outbreaks um at least not you know I've had three over the last 10 years but that's really it. So uh before I get into the topic of which I want to discuss um I want to just share some really good news for me personally man uh it's been 6 years that I've been running Something Positive for Positive People.
Paying Myself and Moving Back to St. Louis
00:03:52 Courtney Brame: The first episode was uh I know I sent an email sending an episode to someone. I believe it was summer of 2017. I would have recorded it in the spring. Uh and it feels so good to have been so consistent with something and now see that it's starting to pay off. Uh I refused to pay myself or give myself any money over this time for various reasons. One of them being that, you know, once I start paying myself, I enter a new tax bracket and then I have to give up my food stamps. I got to give up my medical benefits. And these were things that were very much sustaining me. You know, I've gotten to travel and everything, but uh all of the travel that I've done has been for conferences, speaking events, meeting with board members, etc. Um, and it's worked out to where I've been able to do some type of play during my travels. So, I'm very grateful for the opportunities here.
00:05:08 Courtney Brame: And when you give when your money all goes to your business or your nonprofit, that in a business in a nonprofit sense is not taxed because it's a 501c3 and that's where the nonprofit thing comes in. Um there's no profit. There's no tax. So if I get a $10,000 donation and then you know they're like, "Okay, this needs to go to salaries." $10,000 going to salaries is still going to be taxed and that'll leave me at like $6,800. So, that's $3,200 extra that I could be using if I just choose not to pay myself. And that's how I was looking at it and um I wrote that as long as I could. I recently made the decision to move back home to St. Louis, Missouri. Uh there's a lot of little synchronicities that had to happen for this to have occurred. Um, I remember before I left for Portland, which I moved here for a $10,000 grant, got the grant and essentially was just spending that money that I came here for to just stay here and continue the operations.
00:06:17 Courtney Brame: I looked up and I'm 34 going on 35 in November. And I live in an attic. Like I live in… I'm very grateful for him letting me stay here. I'm grateful to my board member for connecting me with this spot. And that connection with my board member also led me to the job that I have teaching medical students to give genital exams and also teaching medical students bedside manner by giving them practice with um taking a history on a patient so that I can explain to them how it feels to be their patient. So I got all of this experience. I got the opportunity to just be here and away from family, friends, and just been able to really just pound work, man, and just bust my ass unlike I probably ever could have back home. Cuz back home, I was also working at the gym. I was also doing virtual work. I was also trying to figure out how yoga fit into that.
00:07:15 Courtney Brame: And I was also trying to spend time with family and friends. But it was really hard because I just didn't have the finances to. I was just always hustling and it's kind of like, you know, riding your bike on a chain pop. Whatever momentum you built was going to sustain you and then as you keep pedaling, you're not adding anything to the acceleration. And that was kind of where I was. And I saw that I was slowing down and that there wasn't really any hope of speeding up. So, what I had to do was take my bike, put it upside down, fix the chain, and then start pedaling again. And that's what this trip to Portland has been for me. It was me fixing the chain on my bike and then being able to accelerate, change gears and all of that cuz I haven't had any distractions here. So far, I've raised twice the amount of money uh this year in 2023 than I did last year in 2022. And um meeting with my board, they've always been on to me about how I need to pay myself.
The Snowstorm Epiphany and Leveling Up
00:08:14 Courtney Brame: And I've explained to them why I didn't want to do that. But now being at this age, having done this for so long and having had some experiences, understanding, you know, that um it was one day it was snowing here in Portland and I got caught in that snow and I was on the train on my way home from work from my $20 an hour job. And when I got on the train, we made it like two stops. It was snowing and the dude was like, "Yeah, I got to get off of here." And when I got off of there, you know, I was walking. I was like, "Oh, okay. It's fine. I'll just catch this next bus. But the snow was really bad and the traffic was really bad and the buses couldn't move. I eventually got on the bus and we didn't move for 2 hours and I caught myself, man. I was like uh I ended up walking in the snow.
00:09:02 Courtney Brame: Fortunately, a friend of mine reached out uh after I posted to my Instagram story, thank God for Instagram, and was like, "Hey, you know, if you're stuck out here, you can come stay the night here." So, I walked, you know, in the snow. It's snowing and it's snow on the ground. And I walked over there. It was about a mile uh and some change from where I was. And um when I was walking, I just realized, man, I was like, "Yo, I shouldn't… this shouldn't be me. This shouldn't be where I'm at. I shouldn't be walking in this snow. I shouldn't get caught in a snowstorm." Like, I was working for, you know, $20 an hour. That isn't really $20 an hour because of the time that I have to get ready, go there, the time that it takes for me to get back and in this case, the time that I was out and caught in the snow. Like all of that time is not being used for Something Positive for Positive People.
00:09:58 Courtney Brame: And I think people who have side hustles more often than not make the mistake of thinking that their job will sustain them and support them while they put work into their business so that that can be the thing that sustains them and then they can leave their job. But you can really easily get caught up in the trap of having real money. And when I say real, I mean you put the hours in and then you get that check. And by the time you get that check, you're like, "Oh, it was worth it." and then you start kind of side eyeing your business like ah you ain't really worth the time, you know, the time that I'm putting into you. Um, unless you're getting that. So, it was that that really kind of put me in the frame of recognizing like I can do better. I need to do better. And um some situations as well like going to these conferences show how I'm very cheap-minded.
00:10:53 Courtney Brame: Uh, and when I say cheap-minded, I mean like the conferences at a hotel. The hotel's $200 two $300 a night, and I'm looking at that like, damn, you know, I can get an Airbnb for 60. And when I did that most recently for the uh sexburg consultant, s******* summit, uh, I had a bad experience. I got there and uh, before I even went, like the lady who runs the Airbnb wasn't very communicative. I got there and it wasn't what I thought it was. There were Cheeto crumbs in the bed that I didn't realize until the next morning. The refrigerator was nasty. The carpet was nasty. The trash hadn't been taken out. Something broke when I bumped it. I bumped into it and it broke. I took a video of it. I was like, "Yo, y'all got to get me out of here. I'm not staying here." So, fortunately, they gave me my money back. But that was an experience that taught me I got to level up.
The Power of Donations and True Community Support
00:11:45 Courtney Brame: I got to stop being cheap. I got the money. Spend the money. And I'm very grateful to uh the Love and Action Fund, the Little Nest Fund uh for having donated a total of $55,000 to Something Positive for Positive People um this year. And I'm also grateful that each of you made a donation. Like I know y'all say things like, "Oh, you know, it wasn't much." But y'all don't realize this, but like that to me says that you believe in me. You believe in what I'm doing. that uh it encourages me to continue to do what it is that I do. And it's still difficult for me to explain what it is that I do. So, I have a little uh form for our grand tours, the people who gave us grants. Uh cuz all they said was here's money for you to just keep doing what you're doing. And I think that that's probably the most validating thing for me is that people are willing to contribute uh and invest in not just Something Positive for Positive People, but Courtney, I had a conversation with uh one of my donors and one of the things that he has shared with me, man, and I'm getting a little choked up here thinking about it cuz he said to me, he was like, you know, what you do keeps me alive.
00:13:02 Courtney Brame: You know, I look forward to your podcast every week. And he mentioned how other resources out there just aren't real. And in my case, like I hope to be that. I hope to be real. And it was very validating for me to hear somebody say that this is real to them, especially compared to social media accounts where, you know, they people do this for fun. Like I do this to keep people here. And to hear that, it really resonated with me because it hits the core of what I do and why I run Something Positive for Positive People and why I run it the way that I do. If somebody hits me up, like I'm not going to tell you to make a donation first and then I'll talk to you. Like we're going to talk. We're going to try and figure out what we can and by the end of it, I'll ask like, hey, you know, if this was valuable to you, please consider making a donation.
00:13:52 Courtney Brame: And so when I get these donations, no matter how much they are, like I had somebody give me $5 and that coming from them meant more than a person who has given me $500 before, right? Because I know that the quality of what a person is capable of giving is not always reflective of um hold on. However, I was going to say that was not going to come out right. I know that everybody ain't got it like that. So, for somebody to even be willing to give me $5, for somebody to be willing to give me $500, $50,000, you know, for it, it's not the amount, it's the give- period. So, please don't ever feel like, oh, well, I don't have much to give. I had someone give me a numerology reading. Like she just felt compelled to give me this offering. And I was honestly surprised at how accurate it was. Um cuz she didn't know I was moving.
00:14:52 Courtney Brame: She didn't know that I started paying myself. She didn't know that I was getting a new job. And you know, as vague as astronomy, astrology stuff is or can be, you know, she was very spot on. And I was just sitting there with a blank face while she did this. And then at the end, I told her everything. I was like, I'm very impressed with this. And you know, we find our gifts and then we offer them to the world, whatever that may look like. And when we feel compelled to do a thing, I invite you to lean into doing that thing. All right. So, uh yeah, before I continue to make this podcast episode about something that's not supposed to be, uh let me wrap this up with just a big thank you. Um the exciting announcement is that I get to start paying myself. Um we agreed to the Missouri standard of salaries of nonprofits.
00:15:44 Courtney Brame: 65% of what comes into the organization should be allocated to salaries and then the other 35 is dedicated to operations. Um I don't have a building that I'm working out of. Um, but what I'll be able to do is once I get my place, wherever I live, I'll be able to write off a room in the place. So, like whatever I do, I have to get a two bedroom and then write off that second bedroom as the office of Something Positive for Positive People and that'll be good. Um, and yeah, I'm paying myself. Uh, and this will be a real smooth transition into the next thing because the other day I went and I was going to make the transfer. So, I'm going to do it quarterly. Uh, just pay myself 65% of what came in. And I already mentioned that we doubled the profit, the doubled the donations from last year from 30,000 to 60,000 so far. So, if you can do math, 65% of $60,000 is what I have to donate to myself and then get taxed on, of course.
The Realization: Craving True Intimacy
00:16:52 Courtney Brame: But I had this moment and in this moment, I did the math. I was doing it with a calculator. I put it all in the calculator and then I took a screenshot and I went to share this with somebody because this was like a very intense moment for me and it's not something that I wanted to share with my mom. promised not something that I wanted to share with a friend or my board members. Um cuz I'm close to some of my board members and they were there. They approved it. So it wasn't something to celebrate with them. But I had a moment realizing like damn, I don't have anybody to share this with like share this excitement, share this news. Um I've got, you know, my good friend Clarice here. So, I like I told her when I saw her in person, but it wasn't it wasn't the kind of sharing that I wanted. And if you can relate, then you know what that is.
00:17:50 Courtney Brame: It's just like you want your support person, your cheerleader, that person that's there that you know you got that reciprocal relationship with like ongoingly. And when I realized that I ain't had that, I kind of had a real reality moment for myself. Of, you know, what's important. Um, when I moved to Portland, that was for business. And before when I moved, I moved to Houston and that was for a girl. And now I'm here and I'm about to move back home. And this is for myself because I haven't had that sense of community surrounding me. I haven't had friends and family around me, which again has been good because business versus um but versus me being able to um healthfully move forward with work and everything and also have my support system. So, I've caught myself, man, like looking for that intimacy that I have with my family and friends in my relationships out here in Portland. And I ain't going to lie to you.
00:18:54 Courtney Brame: I've had a lot of short-term relationships. And I think that I've wanted more intimacy, but it's been I've I've not been able to get it because it's like I'm looking for something that I already have that exists in the framework of my connections back home. Like it just so happened my friend Corey called me and uh I was able to tell him and you know celebrate with him uh about what happened and what was going on and he's a business owner so he understands but again it's just not like it's not my my girl it's not my my person or somebody that I'm in a relationship with you know cuz that that that just feels different and if you've had that before then you know what that means. Um, I know that I can tell certain people and that they celebrate with me or tell me congratulations, that's a great job, but it's just not the same. And so, I think that that was a moment where I had a reflective shift on my own dating experiences, specifically over the last year and a half, the time that I've been in Portland.
00:20:07 Courtney Brame: Um, and then of course like what I want for my future, you know, what do I want? Who do I want to be with? How do I want to be with whoever it is that I want to be with? And I'll be honest, like I'm not attached to non- monogamy. I'm not attached to monogamy. I think it's something that really depends on the nature of the relationship, the person I'm with. Um, you know, not to brag or anything, but if you listen to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Uh you hear Jess and Brandon on Jess's podcast and they always talk about doing everything together and um like they travel together. Uh Brandon has his own life of course and Jess has hers but they really get an opportunity to like they do well together. I got to meet them at the s******* summit and they were exactly who they are on the podcast. It was a very beautiful experience to have.
Dating in Portland: Sex vs. Connection
00:21:03 Courtney Brame: Uh we went to dinner, the three of us, and the conversation and like looking how he looked at her and takes care of her, how she looked at him and how they have a way of sort of like working as a unit. If you've ever seen like Power Rangers or Voltron where the robots combine and they're more effective and connected, like that's what Jess and Brandon were to me at least, like in the brief time that we spent together. I feel like I need to tell them that too cuz like that's just a really happy moment for me to have seen that. So, um all in all like here is the first of a series of I guess dating episodes um from my personal experience um and being in Portland like since I got to Portland or the last year and a half even before I was leaving St. Louis, like I've had a lot of sexual partners. I've not had a lot of intimacy. Like I'm very shocked, honestly, that I got chlamydia when I had the fewest partners that I had during the pandemic or during the early part of the pandemic.
00:22:15 Courtney Brame: And I haven't had any other ones. I had like a trick scare, I would say. Um one partner that I had, uh she hit me up and was like, "Hey, uh someone told me that they have tricks. Uh, I'm going I tested positive, but then got test results that were negative. I never tested positive. I took the medication anyway and um I got tested and I was like, "Yo, just give me the medication right now cuz I don't want to deal with this s***." And so uh they gave me the medication. I took it. They told me I was negative. But like that was the only scare that I had. So, this is the most sexual activity or let me rephrase that, the most diverse sexual activity that I've had. And so, uh, I mean, this is something that from my experience challenges what the CDC says about, um, not just condom use, but also limiting your sexual partners, practicing mutual monogamy, and it does enforce the knowing of your status, cuz I do get tested consistently, and that's a requirement for me of the sexual partners that I have is that, you know, if we're deciding to not wear condoms, like there's a protocol for that.
00:23:27 Courtney Brame: and uh anyone that I do have a sexual relationship with. Um there's a lot of negotiations and conversations around consent and you know the fact that I do have herpes if there's someone who doesn't have herpes um that I think really contributes to that. So I'm practicing what I'm preaching in terms of the sexual health communication period between myself and my sexual partners. And again, I'm in a very unique situation where all right, I do have herpes. I'm open about having herpes. And I think that that sort of colors the kind of partners that I get in the way that I get sexual partners as well. Um, last night I went out with, if you've listened to the podcast for a while, um, the woman who kind of broke my heart or like who I've been stuck on. It wasn't a heartbreak, it was that I was stuck on her. Um, we hooked up in 2021, end of 2021, shortly after I got to Portland.
Reconnecting and Recognizing Inconsistencies
00:24:37 Courtney Brame: And it's so funny how perspective works because um this is the woman who I said, you know, she was okay with me having herpes and then she wasn't okay with me having herpes and that relationship just fizzled out. So, uh this was December 2021. We talked for probably a month or yeah, a month uh after that situation happened and she was seeing someone else and uh that relationship was whatever it was. And I just disengaged. I unfollowed her on social media, deleted her phone number on my phone. Uh almost deleted the s*********, which was funny because um I did delete it and it was like when I deleted it, I don't know. I felt like maybe there was an energetic shift cuz she reached out to me and was like, "Hey, I saw that you're going to be leaving soon. I'd love to get together and see you before you go." Um, and my reaction was, uh, she said it's been, she knows that it's been a while, but my reaction was like, "All right, well, why has it been a while? Like,
00:25:42 Courtney Brame: “Why haven't we talked?" And she just mentioned that the relationship, um, made her push everybody away. Um, it wasn't just me. It wasn't anything personal. Um, but that was just kind of what happened. So, I was excited. I was like, "Oh, you know, yeah, like let's get together." Because it's somebody that I felt like uh I really liked myself around. You know, you've never been around somebody who just like I don't want to say sees you cuz I see everybody. You know, if people really feel safe opening up to me, like I get to see everybody. And I'm also myself all the time. And the only issue that I have is I think that people think they know me and feel like because of that they don't have to get to know me if that makes sense. So like they have a baseline and they have something to keep consistent. I have to always create a baseline with people and I don't think people really have a baseline that they create with me.
00:26:46 Courtney Brame: So it's very hard for me to feel seen. And with her it was like the baseline was irrelevant. Like there was no need for you to get to know me. Like you… there was like a sense of deeper knowing than what I was able to um get from other people. So this felt special at the time and I got excited about the relationship and it was like up and then when it wasn't going to go anywhere, it was just like a hard fall for me. And um so we got together and we talked and in the conversation um we kind of talked about what happened, you know, like where did things go. And from my perspective, I told her there were like a handful of different scenarios in my mind that happened and I do this thing for myself where it's like, okay, I go worst case scenario was this. Best case scenario, it was that. And my story that I told myself was that, okay, well, she didn't want herpes.
00:27:49 Courtney Brame: I have herpes. So, if you mess with me, you're going to mess around and get herpes. Like, I can't guarantee you that you won't get it. So, that was what my story was. And then talking to her like she initiated the conversation. I just kind of went with it. Um there we drank a little bit and you know we are two responsible adults. So it was like she expressed she was like yeah you know I wanted it to happen. Um but I wish that what would have happened was that we didn't drink and we talked about it, took a little bit of a pause and maybe like I had a couple of days to think about it. So, I think that over time, you know, recognizing that she didn't have it was something that alleviated a lot of the anxiety that she had from initially because I got to see her in like full panic mode. And for me, there was just this sense of guilt of like, I know better.
00:28:45 Courtney Brame: Like, I know when somebody's not okay with it, why didn't I catch this? And the reason that I didn't catch it, one, I didn't really want to. Two, I was excited. And three, I genuinely thought that there was, you know, this connection that really transcended the whole idea of herpes in the first place. Um because I haven't given it to partners in the past. So if I don't, I don't see it as an issue, but I have to keep in mind that regardless if somebody follows me or knows my work, I still need to, again just the same way like people think they know me and don't have to get to know me. I may think someone knows you know more than they actually do and I always need to refresh and revisit and kind of assess where they are in their minds about it. So, there was that. And it was also like a little bit of guilt for me because I asked her specifically before we hooked up like, "Yo, are you getting friend vibes? Do you just want to be friends?" And she said,
00:29:50 Courtney Brame: "Oh, yeah, just friends is fine." Say, "All right, great." And then I walk off and, you know, I'm chilling. And then, you know, we end up in the situation that we ended up in where we hooked up. And I felt guilty for not honoring that. And perhaps that was the issue. was like, "I can't listen to what you say. I have to respond to what you do." And the undercurrent of anything that people say is either going to be consistent or inconsistent with what their actions and their behaviors are. And yeah, I didn't. I didn't acknowledge the inconsistency and asked about it. Um, but yeah, I mean there's more stuff, but I'm gonna, you know, try and make my point and make this useful to anybody who's listening who might be in the dating world and struggling cuz I mean, it is hard out here. Like, it's it's hard. Um, and I'm not a fan of dating apps anymore.
00:30:49 Courtney Brame: Like, while I was in South Africa, one of the things that I was doing was I was decluttering. Um, I was decluttering, deleting the s********* I have in my phone, decluttering, uh, deleting the so the not the social media, the, um, dating apps. I deleted my Twitter. My Twitter is where I watched all my p***. So, I deleted that. And yeah, just been like taking my time and just decluttering. And in that decluttering process, um, like it was like I deleted her video or got to it and that was when she reached out to me. It's like, whoa, this energy thing is real. And also in that uh and I'll tell this story in another episode, but I had someone uh like re-shoot her shot. I didn't know she was shooting her shot in the first place, but she kind of reshot her shot. And um we ended up getting together as well. And I'll talk about that.
Accepting You're Not the Best Option
00:31:43 Courtney Brame: That'll probably have to be next episode. But um from this story like I got to hang out with her and I realized that clarity to me is much more important than closure. You know, and people might argue that clarity is closure, but it doesn't feel like closure to me. And as stupid as this might sound, you know, regardless of how I feel, you know, I'm still there, there's still like something there for me hopewise. Um, and I'm not gonna sit up here and ignore it. Like, I ain't gonna be like, "Oh, yeah, you know, I need to just move on. Like, I am whatever- like I'm going to be able to do different, do better, whatever. I don't know." But, um, as I sat there and just talked to her, you know, it was like, damn, you know, this is still real. Like, I'm drawn to and attracted to realness. You know, it doesn't help that she's pretty, too.
00:32:41 Courtney Brame: But um the realness aspect of it is really like what it does for me and how we can talk about our personal lives and it doesn't like there's no ah shut up I don't want to hear that right. Um but yeah she shared with me what's going on with her and I ain't gonna like tell too much of her s***. But um another thing that sitting there and talking to this person made me realize is that uh I had a hard time. I had to accept this and I didn't say this to her. Um I don't think she listened to the podcast but I had to accept I'm just not her best option. Like regardless of this leveling up I'm doing and um my finance is changing. I feel like I'm the most attractive physically I've ever been. uh dresswise, like I can do better. I know. Um and yeah, like me I don't have a car. I don't make six figures. I broke the six foot plane.
00:33:46 Courtney Brame: Um I might be 6'1. Uh and I got abs under this tummy. I just like to eat. But uh physical attraction, I can do that. And then there's some sixes that are like 6 feet. It's like uh 6 foot, six figures, six-pack, 6 in, like all those things. Um I ain't got six figures yet at least. Uh but it's very realistic. It's realistic. It's something that is on the horizon that I know uh for myself. And by those standards, I will be what the Red Pill community calls a high value man. Um and I talked about this already. You know, it's not really about being high value to me anymore. It's more about knowing where your value is and being able to invest in that and expand that and express that uh in how you do things. And my value to the world has been through my emotional intelligence, my emotional awareness, and my ability to communicate.
00:34:51 Courtney Brame: These are things that I feel like that's where my value lies. But in the world that we live in, that has value to a very select group of people. And it's also really challenging to display that I can dress well and demonstrate, oh, I got money. I can be in a room and be tall. Oh, I'm 6 feet tall. And you know, I think the last thing women really care about is like the size of your dick. So like that's not even something I'm going to run around like swinging my s***. Um, but uh the money, the height, and then the oh, the six-pack. Like my shirt's off on my Instagram a lot. And I'm gonna have to dial that back too because uh I am wanting to be seen more as like the thirst straps, the shirtless stuff, like that's for engagement. That's to keep, you know, visibility and keep relevance to the people who do follow me.
00:35:49 Courtney Brame: That's not making me any money. um what will or what does is doing more of the professional stuff, the interviews with the health care providers and I'm drifting. I'm switching back and forth. I'm sorry. Um but in the red pill community, cuz I very much had a period where I was all into it and I was just like consuming it. And I even tried being that way and that s*** worked. And I'm I'm honestly I'm very surprised that s*** worked. Like what was genuine for me and what I was able to connect with worked for me. Like I wasn't trying to fake how much money I had, but I recognized that um when you display masculinity is just attractive to femininity like that it is what it is. the whole uh me making myself available to like to hear women talk about their like to be women's friends. I stopped doing that for probably a month and in this month I saw the difference.
00:36:54 Courtney Brame: So after that month I ain't just go back to being the way that I was and I didn't like continue to put the pedal to the floor with the masculinity s***. Um, but it was more of like an integration for myself of taking what I learned from that period and I was just like, what is it? Like what? And it was something that just couldn't be explained. Um, but what I do know is that that was me being myself and like silencing myself at the same time. You know, everybody has masculinity and femininity in them, the energy at least. And I felt like I was shutting down my femininity and only displaying my masculinity. Like I didn't talk much. That was probably the biggest thing. Like I, I just didn't say much. I was a man of few words and I didn't ask questions during this time period. And not asking questions surprising to me like work. Uh there was this joke that I have with someone I was seeing for a while.
00:37:51 Courtney Brame: She got so mad that this dude posted on social media. Uh he posted women want to be led. and she was just like flipping the f*** out. And so that was like our ongoing joke for a while. However, that was something that I learned, you know, like this even with her, like I heard how she uh how she would engage with and talk to me and how she would engage with and talk to her. Uh they were in an open relationship at the time, her boyfriend. I was like, "Oh, you like you don't like this. You're mad about it." But it's relevant, right? So, um I didn't like that I was repressing a major part of myself, which was the ability to hold space and communicate and like see what's really going on with a person. Um, and maybe that was something that helped the fact that I wasn't so overtly expressive and in my feminine energy of emotional intelligence and feeling and everything.
00:38:56 Courtney Brame: Maybe that helped. I don't know. But I can tell you this, like the relationships that I had and were having during that time and like even going out, like there was just something attractive about me when I shut that s*** down. And like I said, I didn't like it. That's not me. I don't want to have to play that game. And that is unfortunately where much of the dating game is with having to play that game. I'm someone who I love women and I love femininity and I was getting more feminine when I was shutting down mine. It's so wild how there's just this whole undercurrent of things that are happening that you don't see that you don't hear that you don't talk about that are happening but you just have to be aware of if you want to if you want to mate. been in South Africa. Um I went on a safari and this is important because the safari guide was explaining to us how things work within these species of animal and uh for these particular antelope.
The Animal Kingdom Metaphor: Competing and Providing
00:40:07 Courtney Brame: He was talking he was like yeah you know in this species the male the males compete for the female you know the female just is there and then the males like they got to go off they got to exercise. They got to have a shiny coat. They got to uh make sure that they're the strongest. They got to sharpen their antlers. They got to demonstrate intelligence. And they have to beat out the best male in order to be able to reproduce. And it's like, damn, dude. So much of that is humanity. That's how humans are. Like, if I don't go off and become my best, I'm not going to get the woman. Like, no woman is just not going to want what isn't her best option. And I can't fault that for anyone because even for me- I look for what my best option is. And I recognize that around me there are options.
00:41:01 Courtney Brame: There's a pool of people around me who could be the best option, but they're not my best option. And I know this because I'm not at my best. And I'm not in a place where what my best option would be would be available to me. I mean, there's probably somebody around me right now who's just waiting on me to come up. I will never know. And then just ready to f****** pounce when she know, oh s***, you know, Courtney got a house. Courtney got a car now. Courtney dresses differently. Courtney's nonprofit is publicly making this much money, which means he got to be making this much money. You know, there's all these factors there, but ultimately between the animal kingdom and humans. Like, yes, we're civil and we've got, you know, a way of communicating across different uh races and cultures of our species, but ultimately we're still just f****** humans. Like, we're humans. We're all one species, but it's still the same, you know?
00:41:58 Courtney Brame: We got to look our best. We got to be able to provide. We got to be able to protect. We got to be, we got to compete. And I hate that game. I hate the competition thing. But it's something that I can't opt out of. I can't just eat whatever I want, look however I want, and do whatever I want when I want to do it. Like, I have to continue to maintain a level of discipline and focus. And I also have to produce. Like, I got to produce results. Otherwise, I don't get the long-term mating strategy uh that I would want. And again like the women that I want, the women that are desirable have options and want the best option for them. And I ain't, I ain't been I'm not that in this case with the person that I'm speaking of now.
00:42:57 Courtney Brame: Um and it took for me to just like sit, listen, put it all together uh between the relationship that you know she had got into or was in when we had first had our moment and then even afterwards cuz that relationship ended and now there's another one. And the way that she spoke about this relationship, it was like, oh yeah, this this a what's the word? Hypergamy. It's like a hypergamy thing. And I hate that I got to use or that I even can use um like the mano-sphere red pill stuff, but I mean it's applicable. And um I even have a dozen or two of other experiences where that's the case. Like even, you know, it doesn't feel good to be an option that somebody settles for. So even for myself I was having this conversation with a friend about settling or about um you know just like dating for convenience or hooking up for convenience and not being the best option like knowing that you're seeing someone who isn't your best option.
00:44:10 Courtney Brame: Like that that doesn't feel good. So why do that to other people if you know that you're not someone who likes that? And so um that just having this realization and being able to have this conversation yesterday like it made me feel good and she called me out for unfollowing her and she saw that I ain't have her numbers say and I mean that's just what I needed. That's what I needed to do. And even now, like I think um moving forward, like I know, okay, we're not together because I'm not your best option. Um that's ah that's just something I got to accept. And you know, regardless of me being hopeful or having hope for something, it's like that if it just wouldn't it wouldn't work out. And like other things that we've talked about as well, like you got to really listen to people when they are telling you things and when it matches what their behaviors are. Like behaviors and beliefs match in actions speaking louder than words.
00:45:21 Courtney Brame: So, um, the overall lesson that I learned there is that sometimes we're just not the best option. And again, dating with herpes is just like dating. You know, I made up the story in my head that herpes was the biggest thing out of this. And maybe it was more of a play or more of a role than uh it needed to or than I wanted than I wanted to think that it does, but ultimately, you know, you got to recognize where you at in the dating pool and you got to swim there. Um let me see where I'm at on time. 45 minutes. Uh yeah, I I'll try and close this out before I go into uh the next thing that I want to talk about or the next uh portion or segment of relationships. I don't know. Uh but I'm not going to go through like each and every individual relationship. Uh this was just this is something prevalent because I was going to bed last night and I was thinking about it.
00:46:31 Courtney Brame: Uh like I had the house to myself and I ain't got nobody I can hit up. Like I'm all right. So I'm an attractive dude and yes, I just got back from South Africa, but I know that if I'm applying myself there there was a point where I had people I could call, but I don't have that anymore. And granted, my focus has shifted. Um I do want um like a relationship around me. I don't want more long-distance relationships. I have relationships with people long distance. I don't want any more of that. Um, but I had the house to myself last night. I never got the house to myself last night. I could have been in here blowing backs out loud and clear and not having the cuz even when I do have people over I'm like I got to keep it quiet like got to be quiet like let me be mindful of that or I got to play music or something.
00:47:29 Courtney Brame: And I just had that moment too. I was like h why why why is this the case? And again, at 34, about to be 35 years old, like why am I excited about having my house to myself? Why? Why? Especially when I can't live alone now. So that was a moment that I had too. And so yeah, I passed out, woke up. Um, my sleep schedule's still off. So I woke up, it was 2:00 a.m. or something like that when I started recording this. But um yeah, it was on my mind when I woke up this morning and it just hit me. It was like I'm not her best option and I can't fault her for that because I would want to be with my best option. Um and best is subjective of course, you know, of someone that values emotional awareness, intelligence, or for somebody to like to see them. Yeah, I'm probably your best option.
Becoming Your Best Objectively and Subjectively
00:48:32 Courtney Brame: And then for me, you know, valuing somebody who also like wants to put the effort into getting to know me or, you know, making that irrelevant and also, you know, matching my my look saying like I I only really got two standards for looks, you know, thick eyebrows and a wide b like that. That to me, like those are my own beauty standards. Um, of course, like there's, you know, physical attractiveness and like fitness because these are things that are important to me. And then like um the whole thing about um like I'm drawn to and attracted to femininity, but I don't want to have to turn off my emotional availability and stuff in order to be with somebody or to attract somebody. And then I get them, it's like, "Ah, I got you, b****. Now you have to deal with my emotional awareness and then I'm going to challenge you to be real." and all of that. So, yeah, man. Uh, one of my biggest difficulties, I guess, is just like proximity.
00:49:33 Courtney Brame: And I don't know what it's going to look like moving back home, but being out here in Portland, you know, I've got a lot of partners. There was no shortage of partners in Portland. There's just no shortage. There is a shortage however of the quality of partner that I want and like the availability of the kind of person that I would want to be with and so you know having that mindset and attaching it to um this particular person uh like that I don't know if that might have come off in an off-putting way or a way that might have put pressure on too but like I said you know it's a thing about um being the best option man. So, uh I don't plan on going off and going on this healing journey of becoming my best self for this person. It's just it's a natural flow and a natural trajectory of me really just following the synchronicities that happen when I just go with my intuition. You know, I tell people, you know, lead with your intuition, trust yourself, trust your intuition.
00:50:40 Courtney Brame:And I'm doing that. And that's gotten me to this point. It's gotten me to where I am. And it's going to continue to carry me uh to where I want to be, where I want to go. And I think that that road is being the best option, you know, not just for a person, but for every f****** body. Like I I'm I'm that n****, you know? Like this is something that I'm really having to lean into and step into. Um and I hope that this is something that inspires you. I like to see that I am someone who is looked up to in this space of being somebody who has herpes, who's open about it and sharing my personal experiences. I hope that there's something in here that relates to you. I said I was trying to get rid of the word hope from my vocabulary. It's relevant. Like, f*** that. I got to stop trying to do things in such extreme ways because I'll do that all the time.
00:51:35 Courtney Brame: It's like all or nothing. go this way, pedal to the floor, and there's no examination of the usefulness of, you know, maybe not going full speed. So, yeah, take what you have to take from this. Uh, I know mostly women listen to this podcast. So, you know, like for y'all, I would say the lesson is you got your best options are around you cuz you don't have to compete necessarily for a man. I guess unless you know if you feel like your clock's ticking to have kids or have a family or um, you know, you have got your success in your business and dating's hard, whatever. But like more often than not, you know, your best male option if you date men is going to be somebody who's already around you. Um, look, just look, you know, that's in the animal kingdom. That's all they got to do. They go from eating their grass to like, hm, you know, I'm ready to have a family.
00:52:36 Courtney Brame: Look around and they are going to see a male like, "Let me check him out. What he got going on? Oh, compared to him. Oh, compared to him, who's the best one out of these three?" And then they fight to the f****** death. And then the last man standing is the one you made with like, "Oh, he was strong. He killed all the other antelopes. He could protect me." And then for the guys, man, like looking at the animal kingdom, like I I've been very much drawn to these u like animal videos and just seeing cuz there's so much to learn. Um buffalo buffalo is another example. um one male will have all the females in the buffalo kingdom because he's the best option. Like these all these female buffalo will rather share this one buffalo because he is the best option. So in the buffalo world in his field like his territory and he's protective of his territory. You can't, you can't be no 12year-old 13year-old buffalo coming in there.
00:53:39 Courtney Brame: He's going to run you off like, "Hey, hey, you come up here." No, this is my house. Like, these my females, this my place, I protect. I That's what I do here. And it's it's kind of the same f****** thing, man. Like, we ain't all that different from animals. And when you take aside the politics and the religions and the governments and the luxuries, we're the same as animals from a standpoint of like reverting to our survival instincts. Like what does survival mean to you? And then you're going to look for someone who alleviates you as much as possible of what's necessary for survival so that you can enter a thriving world because like that's ultimately it. You know, if the females ain't got to worry about, you know, being eaten by predators, then they get to just be the female. Like they get to just eat grass and do whatever female animals do.
Outro and Final Thoughts
00:54:39 Courtney Brame: And in this case of humanity, you know, if they don't have to if women don't have to worry about, okay, well, reproduction is a priority to me. So, I got somebody I can mate with cool. And also like I don't have to work or I can get a place to stay. Cool. I can shop. I can sew. I can do whatever my hobbies are. Um I can raise the kids and I don't have to worry about these things any more or at all. That's it. So yeah, guys, we got all two of y'all who listen to the podcast. We got to be the best option, you know, objectively, not subjectively. Um, I'm the best option in the emotional intelligence category. Like, I'm very confident in that. But that don't pay no bills, that don't uh that don't that don't ensure the safety and protection of a family or none of that s***.
00:55:39 Courtney Brame: So, I'm very grateful to this girl. I'm very grateful for this experience because, you know, we've not talked for more than a year and for her to have come back into my life with this hard lesson for me. Um, it feels not s*****. It feels more motivating than it does anything else because I'm the kind of person who responds to this in that way. Like I am, I used to be an athlete and I think that I repressed my competitiveness in order to survive and in order to navigate the world. But the reality is like I'm a f****** competitor and the competition from football being with other teams or with the person lined up across from me. That's changed now. Like my competitiveness is now me versus me. It's now also me in the dating pool. And if I want to mate, if I want a family, like I got to be the best me. Not just subjectively, but objectively. And it's it's, you know, you want to think that it's just you versus you, but I mean, every day it's you versus you in order to be the best you to go out and compete.
00:56:50 Courtney Brame: So, I'm motivated. I'm motivated to bust my ass. I'm motivated to also, you know, have that I need balance. Like I'm going to reach out to my friends and let them know like don't let me become a hermit and just work all the time because it is really about balance. And I do believe that on a trajectory of being my best, you know, objectively I can still attract and be with the caliber and quality of people that um I deserve that are my best options. Um even if it's at that time like cuz people still grow together and develop together. Who's to say? Like maybe there's a relationship for me or a relationship style for me that supports me in being objectively my best as I have that relationship and I'm not putting energy into finding that relationship. So, we will see. Um I don't know. We don't know. Uh we get into that hour point and I think that there was a lot of useful stuff here for people if you apply it to your own life.
00:57:59 Courtney Brame: if you apply it to your own dating life. Um, and yeah, if you got questions or feedback, like, hit me up. Like, reach out to me. I like engaging about this, like oftentimes I'll record these podcast episodes and they go out and I might hear from somebody about it and then the conversation that we have is always great. Like I really love that back and forth, that feedback, and uh to know that what I'm saying resonates with somebody cuz I'm talking into the phone and it ain't nothing coming back. It's just all me and all my experiences. So, thank you for taking the time to listen. Again, if you find value in this podcast, please consider making a donation because now I'm paying myself. And more than ever, I'm going to be doing more donation necessary stuff, fundraisers, and things like that so I can continue to provide this content and also continue to be my best option. Till next time. Nope, I said I was going to stop saying that. Damn, I really need a new tagline or slogan. If you got ideas for that, let me know. But right now, just be the best option.
Transcription ended after 00:59:51
