SPFPP 212: Raising the Standards
I wanna open with an apology to our guest for butchering her name first and foremost. It’s Suz like Suzanne and then Bub like rub with a b in the front. We have 36 year old Suzanne who a podcast listener/donor/friend recommended I check out. Suzbub’s TikTok primarily consists of going in on people shaming people for having herpes which is oddly appearing to be men trying to neg her and then shoot their shot. It’s interesting to say the least.
Suzanne’s advocacy extends beyond shaming the shamers. She helps people with herpes embrace being a baddie despite their diagnosis by just living as an ongoing reminder that your standards are worth upholding and then raising. We talk to the evolution of bullying. How the evolution of allyship has sort of dissolved the traditional form of bullying where it was bad to be different. Now, it’s welcomed and people who are different embrace their individuality, their uniqueness. This changes nothing for those who choose to express their individuality within the scope of the status quo. Nobody is talking down on anyone, but for those who do, the allyship is strong and we see those people being bullied spoken up for.
When we stand against the stigmatization of people, that’s the win in itself. We neglect the win that comes from challenging our own internalized stigma when we do something as simple as putting a friend in their place for making an offensive joke perpetuating the negative mental health impacts of a person struggling with their sexuality and sexual health. This allyship extends in the media. When influencers, celebrities and media leaders make a joke that invalidates the identities and experiences of people facing the day to day challenges of stigma, each time we speak against that, we welcome in allyship. I genuinely believe allyship will be the thing that most minimizes the unknowing transmission of herpes, thus less people thrown off by social stigma to the point of poor mental health status. That’s another conversation though.
Suzanne was married TEN YEARS and it was when she exited her marriage that she began a relationship with someone new that she discovered her status. Herpes didn’t make her lower her self-worth or standards. In fact it raised them for her. Being a high value, empowered woman in the dating world is a challenge, but when you have your standards high, you minimize your exposure to the BS. The question becomes not who accepts me, but who do I accept? The awareness of sexual health practices in a partner has now become a high priority in her relationship choices. The toxic potential of being with someone who just says “I’ll still sleep with you even though you have herpes” is through the roof, and we should be aware of more compatibilities before moving forward.
What I love most about my talk with Suzanne is how she speaks to the green flags to look for after disclosure. Communication, directness, receptiveness to mature conversations like speaking about sexual health practices are some sure-fire signs for potential in a partner. There’s more communication to look to beyond herpes status. What other compatibilities do we have with one another? What are some incompatibilities? Don’t tell people what they want to hear in order to get what you want. Instead, be honest. Two people who don’t know what they want is better than two people acting like they do for the sake of the interaction.
As always, we speak to ‘sexual health is mental health’ and the value of having a solid support system in friends. If you can get into therapy, share your status with your therapist. I can’t tell you how many people I know who fear stigma from the one person you’re supposed to REALLY be able to trust with challenges and be vulnerable with. Oftentimes what you’ll realize is that you’re not the only person someone knows with herpes. Then you’ll even come to realize it isn’t always exclusively about having herpes, it’s what it represents in reference to your triggers from a seemingly unrelated event.
www.suzbub.com for offerings: Tiktok and Insta @SuzBub and she’s on YouTube