SPFPP Episode 164: The Connection 4mula - A Filter for Abuse
Abuse has come up a lot in 2020 on my podcast episodes, in my DMs on social media, with my friends, and as I reflected on how common it has become present in my range of awareness, in past podcast episodes as well. When I heard abuse prior to this reflection, it was exclusive to physical violence. I hadn’t considered verbal abuse, emotional or mental abuse to be a thing. As I really sat with it, abusers have used their partners’ herpes to hold them in relationships and do what they want them to. That too is abuse.
I look at where a source of this could’ve come from and I find it challenging to find any other primary blame than our sex education we received which was so hyper-focused on preventing us from having sex that it neglected mental health fundamentals such as consent, body autonomy, recognizing abuse, relationship management, asserting boundaries, and seeking support/help in the event that you need it.
I can’t understand why these topics aren’t a focal point in our sex education, other than laziness. It’s hard to raise an independent child into an independent adult because they question authority and what doesn’t make sense. So instead, we deprive our youth from survival essentials because it’s inconvenient to have to actually raise our youth. Therefore we raise obedient children who recognize force as authority into adults who either hold power over others as they were taught, or they are on the receiving end of the force. Convenience shouldn’t be an enabler for abuse, and we have to be better and do different.
The Connection 4mula is a filter for abuse and an easy way to recognize someone with potential abusive patterns. Connection is genuine intimacy, as shared between this podcast guest and myself developed over the last 7 years. The 4mula consists of my four relationship boundaries or values if you will that teach people how to respect and love me while also teaches them how I love and respect them. Notice this time I said four relationship boundaries instead of 3.
The 4 are transparency, consistency, maturity, and reciprocity. Abusers have to manipulate the narratives so you won’t get transparency out of them. You can get honesty, but it is selective. Transparency has a feeling of freedom because the person who values it for themselves also values it to and from others. Abusers are often inconsistent in their words and behaviors. Saying “I love you, but” is a major red flag because love is unconditional. You don’t only love someone when they fulfill an expectation. You don’t love someone and then violate their boundaries only to MAYBE apologize. That isn’t love, it’s coercion. For an early red flag, look at their ability to make plans in advanced? If they want to spend time with you, they will do more than say it. Do they flake, reschedule, say one thing and do another? These are signs of a potential abuser. Maturity is simple. Does this person prioritize well? Are they late to important matters and prioritize what they say to be not really important? Where do YOU stand in terms of being a priority? Lastly, reciprocity, which just means is the energy invested reciprocated between you and this person you’re in pursuit of? If he ain’t reciprocatin’ then ya’ll ain’t gone be datin’. Write that somewhere you can find it easily. Are you prioritizing them in your thoughts, energy, efforts to meet up? If they aren’t giving it back then you know they are whack.
These are the 4 pillars of connection, which I believe if you don’t experience a genuine, authentic connection with someone you’re looking to date, then it’s because your boundaries aren’t being respected/honored. It’s those who violate boundaries who in hindsight, have been abusive partners. Use this formula to filter out abusers immediately ya’ll.
