SPFPP Episode 165: Introducing Something Positive FROM Positive People
I share a healing experience that was sparked in therapy in regards to unconscious behavior I hadn't before looked at.
I introduce the Something Positive FROM Positive People blog which features insights from our community that anyone can apply to their lives.
I had some recent experiences where my boundaries were being chipped away at and I thought I would handle that here.
I can't believe I talked for an hour. I thought I only had 30 minutes in me haha. But good thing ya'll like these solo episodes. Let me know what you think.
Whenever I have schedule cancellations I think I'll just record a solo episode and upload it right away. I've had a few people miss interviews, reschedule last minute and then flat out ghost me after recording and it honestly makes me disappointed. So that time doesn't go to waste, I'll just record and upload right away talking about whatever is on my mind and has been going on.
Episode 165 Transcript
00:00:00
Courtney Brame: Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that provides mental health resources to people who are navigating the trauma of an STI diagnosis. I think I did it right. I'm going to keep that. Maybe that should be something that I script out for myself and allow myself to continue to use as a pre-recorded intro going into these podcast episodes. So, uh today there is no podcast guest, so it's just me. I just got my laptop open so everybody can see the sex education sticker right there. Shout out to Emily. Um what we're going to be talking about today, I have no idea. Um, I have the next six weeks of podcasts already in queue to be edited and uploaded. So, this one today is going to be a bonus episode. I've made the decision that um if ever I have a guest like cancel or something, then I'll just go ahead and record an episode where it's just me and that can be a bonus episode.
00:01:19
Courtney Brame: So, it's more of like an added incentive for myself to um really be on top of things. And this isn't like any shouts or shots fired at any of the people who've rescheduled, but I've had a lot of reschedules over the last like sixish weeks. And then the um like a lot of people just haven't like reconnected. And I'm really weird about double texting and I've triple texted. So that gives you an idea where I'm at with it. Um, but yeah, I appreciate, you know, the people who've reached out and been like, "Hey, you should interview this person. You should reach out to this person." But that doesn't work for me. You know, I think that it's important for me to only interview people on this podcast who really want to be on this podcast. Um, I'm not really caring about podcast downloads and the money that comes in from sponsors or paying people to be guests. And for a lot of the people who have had more than like 10,000 followers on social media, uh when I reach out to these people, these are the things that they really care about um like what the audience size is and the reach and everything.
00:02:30
Courtney Brame: But that's not what we're here for. So, if you're someone who's just an everyday person and you feel like you have an urge or an impulse to want to contribute back to this community that perhaps has been helpful to you or you feel like your story could be useful to someone, um don't hesitate to reach out. Like, I'll make time to interview you. It's a very easy process. I normally just video call you over Facebook and then I set my stuff up like you see here and I hit the record button. Um, going live while recording on Instagram has been something that I'm new to and experimenting with to see how that works out. Um, but it's helping me to get more comfortable on video. Like I've gotten the audio stuff downpacked and I'm really excited to announce that I fixed my editing issues. I've been trying different uh software downloads to edit podcasts and edit out.
00:03:28
Courtney Brame: If you listen to the next four or five weeks of podcast episodes, you're going to hear me coughing. I didn't have COVID. I think I had a cold. I'm still a little bit nasally right now, but that's not a big deal at all and we can work through that. Um I may clear my throat, but now I'll be able to. I'm not going to edit it because I'm going to upload this one right after I get done. So yeah, this will be a bonus episode. What do I want to talk about? There's actually a lot. So given the most recent episode recordings and interviews that I've done, a lot of what's come up is abuse. Um, and this was something I had talked about with uh different people that I've worked with in the past on past episodes. Uh, Ella Dawson, I've talked to Emily the Pass about it. Um, but just in my interviews with regular, you know, people who are just volunteering their time to share their herpes experience, one of the things that just continues to come up is like abuse.
00:04:27
Courtney Brame: And it frustrates me because I think that we're not taught basic fundamentals of being able to address, navigate, identify abuse in our sex education. So, sex education programs teach us often, wear condoms, wait till marriage, don't get anybody pregnant, STDs are the worst thing that can ever happen to you and they'll ruin your life. These are the things that I've been taught and what I'm hearing commonly that other people are being taught in their sex education. But at 30 years old, I'm 32 now. Um, around 30 years old was when I found Sex Positive Families. Shout out to Melissa Carnegie. And what I learned from them is this phrase body autonomy, which basically means, you know, my body's mine. I've learned that this is something that is omitted from sex education. Um, well, from my past sex education, uh, that was just left out. Talking about consent was left out. Talking about things like, um, no means no and boundaries.
00:05:33
Courtney Brame: I didn't know what boundaries were until I was 30 years old, right? And I've mentioned this before, but these are the things that should be in place to get people to a point where they recognize early on like, oh, okay, this person doesn't respect my body, my boundaries, my no, then this is someone I don't need to be involved with. But instead, because we have the absence of the fundamentals of what it means to have boundaries, that allows for us to potentially be taken advantage of by someone who is in fact an abuser. And this isn't exclusive to women, but I will say that almost all of the women I've interviewed have been in some sort of an abusive relationship where they've been lied to, where they've been disrespected, where they've not had their “no” honored. And um even most recently um on the last two episodes with um my friend that I interviewed and then uh Hannah Dickinson uh the the comic who also talked about this like in these situations, you know, we we talked about boundaries and how boundaries ended up being constructed or said or discovered after abusive relationships.
00:06:45
Courtney Brame: And it shouldn't be that way. like we should be able to be children who have an understanding of boundaries at least at a basic fundamental level and be able to apply that into our relationships as we get older. So when we become adults, we're adults who not only know how to establish and reinforce boundaries, but also adults who can respect and honor boundaries as well. So these are topics that have really been very popular and at the top of my mind right now. And um one of the two of the guys that I've interviewed most recently in these episodes will be out over the next six weeks. I forget what order they're in, but this was something they talked about. They were in emotionally abusive relationships with women. So this is really something that highlights the point of STD prevention efforts really. Um oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean STD prevention efforts.
00:07:40
Courtney Brame: That's a whole different statement. The point of sex education really needing to have more of an emphasis on the mental piece of it because sex sexual health is really interconnected with mental health. That's one of the things that I'm learning. And at the intersection of those two lies the pillars of stigma. And when we can begin to address the stigma of sexual health, we are also addressing the stigma of mental health and vice versa. So, these two things go hand in hand. And so, um, that's one of the things that I'm really hoping to help with or provide support with as we move forward here. Um, we're eight minutes in and I hadn't said happy or new year to anybody. I'm saying happy new year instead of happy new year. Uh, so if you hear anybody saying that they got it from me, I'm just kidding. Uh, let's see.
00:08:35
Courtney Brame: Where are we? Yoga is going to be coming up on January 9th. So, if you hear this after Monday for whatever reason, like I said, I'm going to upload it tonight. Today's January 3rd. Uh, Sunday, January 3rd, 2021. Um, and we're going to have a virtual fundraiser, which is going to consist of a yoga class where I'm going to have a guest uh yoga instructor come in. She's going to lead us through a flow that's designed to reconnect to the body. Depending on how this goes, we'll determine whether or not this is like an ongoing thing, perhaps monthly or we can do it twice a month. Uh it just really depends on the demand. But after just a couple of days of announcing it, we've already raised $215 for something positive for positive people. And uh we've got we just tested it out and so far it looks like everything's going to be real smooth. um check out my social media pages um at H on my chest if you want more details about that, but it's going to close up January 5th, but if this is something that you're interested in as we move forward, don't hesitate to reach out.
00:09:41
Courtney Brame: All right, I am kind of really really excited because I get to talk about this thing that I've been doing. Um, I've been doing a lot of things. Uh, as you can see, there's a microphone here. I'm not just talking into my phone. Uh, I have a phone laying right here, and it's the iPhone 12, which was really, really hard for me to buy. I got this little adapter thing. I got this, you can see me pretty well, I guess, whenever I look up at the screen, but I got this ring light, this tripod. All of these things have been investments in something positive for positive people. and I've been like the absolute cheapest in regards to um upgrading things, but I talked to my board of directors and now I'm the executive director of Something Positive for Positive People, officially able to pay myself um a negotiated uh percentage of what comes in from donations, funding, advertising, and everything.
00:10:44
Courtney Brame: And the remainder of the remaining money goes toward the fundraising efforts. So, um, that's why now, you know, I'm really pushing these fundraisers or this fundraiser, hoping that it goes well and integrating my own yoga practice into being able to offer this as something that is supportive to our community. And by our community, I mean people who have herpes, regardless of whether or not they're here physically present in groups or socializing. But like if you're someone who has herpes and maybe you checked in with the content once or twice, like all of this is still accessible and available to you. Um, and becoming the executive director, uh, last year, I don't know that I talked about this in much detail, but I was extremely overwhelmed. I was very, very overwhelmed, and it wasn't in a good way. Um, I was trying to do fundraising. I was trying to seek out grants and opportunities to get funding for something positive for positive people while still finding guests to interview um interviewing them, recording podcasts, uploading podcasts, blogging, and I began to like to cut some things away.
00:11:56
Courtney Brame: And so, as we are now in 2021, I decided to really narrow my focus down to three things. I am going to really focus on the podcast and the development of this resource, making the audio clear, putting more time into the editing and the promotion of the podcast, like really just getting it out into the world because like recording and uploading, like that's been cool. I've been able to be consistent with it. Um, but we're at a place now where people are saying that they found this podcast like the day after they walk out of the doctor's office. Some people are saying that their doctor, their uh healthcare provider told them about this resource and that it's been a wonderful thing for them to have. So being consistent has been helping, but it's more important that I do things that I know I can do to expand my reach. So, one of the things that I had to ask myself because I really struggled with allowing myself to receive um any type of money for myself through doing this work was the fact that I am the only person that I know at least who's not taking like coaching clients or coaching calls or being like, "If you want to talk to me, you have to pay me for my time." like I held so strongly onto that
00:13:14
Courtney Brame: idea, that egoic idea of I'm better than everybody else because I'm not taking money from anybody to provide this amazing thing and service that I provide. Right? So, um, one of the questions that came up for me as I reflected on that was, well, who are you not helping? How many people aren't being helped by you only being able to work with what you have to work with and not really being able to allocate much more time beyond what it is that you're doing because you also got to make sure that your bills are paid, right? So, when I asked myself that, I was like, "All right, man. You're right." And it seems like things have just kind of started to work out and work out in the way that they're supposed to be working out. So, it's nice to kind of have that assurance. But um like I was saying, I'm focused on the podcast. I'm focused on connecting with mental health organizations that provide free counseling or therapy.
00:14:10
Courtney Brame: Um it's just not feasible right now for us to pay for everybody's therapy. Now, we've managed to pay for $3,000 worth of it… 3,000? More than $3,000 worth of therapy for people, but also we've only raised 5,000. So like and with that being said over 2020 um it's not sustainable for us to continue to do that the way that we are right now. So, it's important that, you know, if you're someone connected to uh a mental health related organization that provides free and affordable therapy, like if I could be in touch with them and begin to build the relationship to where when someone reaches out to Courtney or something positive for positive people, I'm able to already have the relationship in place that removes any and all barriers between that person reaching out for mental health services and them getting it. So I don't want there to be paperwork. I don't want there to be a filtering process or can I trust this therapist.
00:15:11
Courtney Brame: Like people come here and to me because over the last four years they've developed a rapport and a sense of trust with me. So whoever it is that I make the recommendation that they work with is going to be the person that they trust enough to open up to and uh work with. So it's very very important that these kinds of relationships be in place at least for me. Like this is more valuable for me because people are trusting me with the most intimate and uh most vulnerable details of their life often. So I want to make sure that I have trustworthy resources and people in place so that I can best serve them. And then the third thing that I wanted to do is just make sure that I'm getting people connected to the support groups like um hopefully COVID comes to an end here soon with the vaccines and um we're able to integrate back into like society to where we can gather in larger groups again uh sooner than later because I want to continue to connect with my herpes support groups especially in person.
00:16:14
Courtney Brame: And now that um I'm really aligned in the space that I'm in, like connecting more people, more members to the community and getting them connected to their local area social groups. Um this is something that's important. So I've got those three things, the podcast, the mental health services, and the support groups. And that's where my focus is. Um, I can continue to do this. Like I got this I got this studio set up now uh down here at the gym. So, at any given moment, I'm able to come in here and do what I need to do. If it means creating content, if it means um you know, following up on emails, like I I have the setup in order to be able to do that. I'm part of the podcast initiative, I guess you want to say that I am well, I did already. I created a blog, Something Positive from Positive People, and this can be found on the website.
00:17:10
Courtney Brame: So, I don't know if a lot of people are aware of this or not, but the majority of my social media engagement really comes from Instagram, or it historically has. Um, a lot of the guests that I have or meet are people who've DM' me on Instagram or who I've reached out to on Instagram and at some point we've become friends and we've become uh or they've become a podcast guest. So when um recently I don't remember the name of the bill or whatever but I think it was December 21st uh whenever the solstice happened or something like that Instagram began to and they always have been really but really began to crack down on sexuality professionals. So when we say sex, every aspect of that from sex work to sex education to sex that's not like being profited off of, right? Sex sales. And so if sex selling doesn't appear to be going into the pockets of the advertiser and it's more so falling into the pockets of the content creator, there seems to be a problem.
00:18:17
Courtney Brame: So for me as what people would call a sex educator or someone who is um what's the word who's like facilitating sex education content um when I post if I use words like sex sexuality or talk about genitals or relationships or I don't know if they're like even limiting the fact that I mention STI period but I noticed that my personal engagement has gone to s*** uh more so recently. So, I've always had this idea of doing something called something positive from positive people that isn't necessarily STI and herpes focus, but like the insights provided by the guests that we have from the conversations that I have behind the scenes with community members, the DMs, like there are so many lessons and insights that are are able to um be useful to anyone who consumes the content. So, I've got the podcast set up on the website, www.spfpp.org. And now I have the blog page set up um to right now I just put an intro post up there um that's letting people know what the blog is going to be about as we move forward.
00:19:38
Courtney Brame: But whenever I interview people there's often so many good insights like one example being the spiritual significance of herpes. I did that episode with uh Stephanie Lyn Boyd and she and I like to read an article that talked about what it spiritually meant to have herpes, right? I believe that was episode 116 uh or 106. I know it's one something. It's one of those episodes if you want to go and check that out. But we could have easily talked so much more about what that article had to say, but you know, it's a podcast interview. You don't want to, you know, bore people and you don't want to, you just don't want to do too much. So, um, what intuitively feels right for me for a podcast episode is what I'm doing. And then whenever these insights come up, I want to be able to write about them more. And so, circling back to what Instagram's been doing, um, I noticed that not as many people are seeing my post, not as many people are, um, are liking the post as well.
00:20:36
Courtney Brame: So, I'm thinking that that's what's happening with the content. So what I want to do moving forward is whenever I post things or if I utilize social media, it's not for the sake of utilizing social media. It's for the sake of redirecting people to the source of the content which will be www.spfpp.org. So the blog page is going to be up. So if I make a post, it's going to be like today's um introducing or welcoming Something Positive for Positive People. That'll be the post. I'll give a short two to three sentence description and then tell you to check out my blog at www.spfpp.org and then you can read it there. So that's really what I want to emphasize as I move forward with engaging in social media and all of the… I just want to cut all the BS um because I do put a lot of time into this.
00:21:33
Courtney Brame: Like I'm not very good at graphic design. I don't know if y'all noticed that, but it's just been like an intuitive, oh, I want to say this. Here's the thing that I want to say. But I do want to focus more on my strong points. And um I've always been encouraged as a writer. I've not necessarily had any sort of encouragement around my design skills. So, I want to be able to offer that more because it's something that isn't too time consuming. It's something that I'm already doing. and whenever I release a podcast episode, let me just allow myself to release the podcast episode and with the insights from it, I can just have those in a separate space. In a perfect world, some kind of a publication would pick that up and I just write for them based on what we've talked about over the years of something positive for positive people because I got a lot of stuff I can say.
00:22:22
Courtney Brame: Y'all have a lot of stuff y'all can say and every experience is unique. I don't care what nobody says. If you're one of those people who's sitting at home like, "Oh, I'd love to be on Courtney's podcast, but I don't have an interesting story." Know that there are so many people who say that, like, I hear that from probably two out of every three people that I end up having an interview with, and it always ends up bringing something new that hasn't been done before or said before to the table or to the conversation. So, please know that like this a this this is just this is going to be something that uh it has legs and when I get the urge to write, I don't have to worry about sitting in front of my phone doing this for a long period of time hoping to get the point across and however many characters they give me. Like, this allows for me to just straight take the cap off and just go in on whatever the subject matter is, whether that be a few sentences or uh or not.
00:23:19
Courtney Brame: As far as engaging with the blog goes, I am turning off the comments. I don't want the herpes cure posts coming in on my email like whenever I post a podcast or whenever I post to YouTube, I get those calls “Dr. So and so for herbs and you'll cure herpes”. I don't want to be involved with that. It's just me. So, like I said, I'm focused on connecting people to support groups and mental health resources, focusing on the podcast, and I'm focusing on collaborating with organizations that provide mental health services and resources to people. So, and of course, like getting donations, and if anything comes up where people are talking about providing funding, yay, let's do it. Um, right now, something positive for positive people also uh has a collaboration with the Raspberry Clinic here in St. Louis, Missouri. Uh this to me serves as a gateway into a relationship with Washington University here in St. Louis. Um they do a lot of things in regards to sexual health.
00:24:16
Courtney Brame: They invited Erica Smith. Nope. I Hart Erica. Why can I think of Erica's last name? They invited iHartErica to speak here and I got to go and see that. And um that's like that goes to speak volumes to WashU's contributions to sex education, sex positivity um to be able to welcome somebody like that here. So hopefully this can turn into a relationship built where I at the very least get access to more resources that are needed. um maybe like having uh different clinicians or someone who's there be able to come and speak on the podcast or uh provide us with um added like media exposure or something. I don't know like you, you just never know what could happen uh as a result of connection. So um the Raspberry Clinic, I'm super grateful to them for allowing me to be able to partner with them and work with them on what it is that they're working on.
00:25:18
Courtney Brame: I gotta read the non-disclosure agreement before I uh talk too much. So, I'm gonna stop there. Uh boundaries. I get DMs. DMs are great. I love when people message me. I love initiating and starting and having conversations. I love hearing about y'all's sex life. I really do. Um I want to make a very very good point. Um, I'm sorry, a very important point. It's not a good point. It's an important point here. I do invest a lot of my energy, time into people, um, when you reach out to me and you ask for help, if you ask for tips on disclosing or if you need support or you need if you don't know what you need. And I've very intentionally prioritized working with black people, black men, black women, and offering a lot more of that uh energy exchange because I know just how much more challenging it is.
00:26:25
Courtney Brame: Like you don't see people who look like you, you don't see people who sound like you or come from a potentially same background. And a lot of the shared experiences that we may have as you know for the color of our skin may not be experiences that those who are open about their status can really relate to right. So I offer that I offer a lot more patience and grace and you know navigating and processing alongside uh you as you continue to figure these things out for yourself or have these epiphanies. Um I do so with the intention not of us continuing in this cycle of you know where you reach out to me for something that I'm just unable to give and take from me. So, what I mean by that, and I have examples that I'm doing my best to avoid using, but like I don't know if anyone who's listening has ever experienced, you know, having a conversation with someone about their problems and then they ask you for a solution and you give them a step in the direction of the solution and they just refuse to take that step towards a solution.
00:27:40
Courtney Brame: And this is something that you know consistently goes on. You assert boundaries in place and that boundary continues to be like the boundaries of the boundary continue to just be chipped away at. Um I notice that I do get frustrated when I assert a boundary and it's not honored to the point where I have to disengage. And so I never want anybody to feel like, you know, I'm being an a****** or just like ignoring them or anything, but you know, I want to make it clear here. You know, if a boundary is asserted not just by me, but by anybody, please honor that boundary because I don't want to get to a point where I'm so drained from one interaction that I feel the need to take an entire weekend or week away from social media as a result of this repeat interaction with one person who is continuing to just take and take and take. Because the taking isn't just taking from me. It's taking from the community without offering even a bit of contribution to yourself.
00:28:45
Courtney Brame: Right? So if I ask you for instance and you know I'm hoping that the person who this applies to or listening if I ask you to take a step in the direction of your own healing be that journaling be that uh reflecting be that listening to a podcast episode or reading a book. I need you to do that in order for us to continue our correspondence or I have to stop. like that's my boundary now because it's not about me and you know exclusively protecting my energy but it's about me protecting my energy for the sake of all of these other people that I be there for um or who need me to be able to be there and show up for them without me like I don't know if you ever had a bad day and then someone who completely didn't deserve it crosses your path and you know you're just mean to them. I don't want that to happen. So here's what I have to do to protect myself from and protect them from that happening to them, right?
00:29:41
Courtney Brame: So please, please, please like honor boundaries, you know, and if you are just unwilling to take those steps in the direction of the solution or providing um or beginning to walk into the direction of your healing, then just say that. But at that point, we got to disengage. like you can't use me as your emotional, you know, garbage dump disposal or whatever just because I'm here for that, right? Yes, I do provide a lot of emotional support to a lot of people, but it's often reciprocated to an extent that what I get out of it is knowing that you're taking the steps. So, when I give you something, it's not like I feel like I'm being taken from. I am offering, I am giving. So being able to receive that and then reinvest in yourself so that you can go on and do whatever it is that you need to do is more important to me than anything else there is about our interaction. So I ask that you know people take this into consideration whenever um if you listen to this and you decide to reach out, please reach out.
00:30:50
Courtney Brame: But I would rather us play this game where we continue to like to go in circles. I just don't have it in me. I don't have the patience for constantly going in circles, especially if you know new epiphanies are being brought up and you want to bring it back to something else. So, please be willing to look at yourself before uh making an attempt to get seen and feel validated and be experienced by somebody else, you know, especially if that somebody else is a stranger. Um because like I I know I recognize the s***, so I know what to say. I know how to handle it. But you could potentially find yourself in a much worse off situation with someone who may have harder boundaries or might be in a bad place or you know things like that. So um wanted to make sure to get that out there. I think that I mentioned that on an upcoming uh podcast episode.
00:31:48
Courtney Brame: I don't know what that word says. Oh, understood. Beautiful. I shouldn't be saying that while I'm recording. I didn't mean to say your name. I started to. Um, so another thing, viralizing humanness and humanizing viruses. That's been another thing that's popped up a couple of times. You'll hear that on upcoming podcast episodes. So when we and I'm still like working through the language here, but viralizing our humanity. I'm diagnosed with herpes. Everything that I thought about herpes now applies to me and my being, right? So, I'm no longer Courtney. I'm now that dude with herpes. So, my humanity has now been viralized and everything that I thought of myself as a human is now directly coming out as my as being viralized. So, whatever it is that I think about the herpes virus is now what I put on myself.
00:32:54
Courtney Brame: Ill, gross, disgusting. Nobody wants that. Uh, and that's how I speak in first person. Ain't nobody going to want to be with me. Nobody wants this. Nobody wants me. And when we begin to viralize our humanity, that's what we're doing. We're establishing our identity that was probably already interconnected with our sexuality now with the virus, the herpes virus. So, someone tests positive for herpes and now has these um…. has this kind of negative self talk about themselves and feels like they can't have sex and now I don't know who I am anymore. There comes a point where maybe we maybe we don't realize it but we talk about ourselves as if we are the virus not like we have a virus right and that's what it means to viralize your humanity. Now when we on the inverse humanize the virus, we separate ourselves from it in a way that we put the virus up on a pedestal and it becomes that's that's what like humanity is and now you know we're we're the virus.
00:34:11
Courtney Brame: So we give it these human traits. Oh, nobody wants to be with me because of the blank, you know, insert herpes. like I would just use herpes for the sake of herpes. I keep pausing because I'm trying to think of like different things and mix it up and make it a wide variety of uh topics of conversation here, but that's not really what it is. And we really got to stop doing that. Like we got to stop giving this virus our humanity, right? Um so in a way, I mean both of them are the same thing, but I think depending on the language used, one fits better than the other. Like I said, I haven't processed this. This is me speaking and talking about the thoughts and pieces of conversation that have come up in most recent interviews. And so when uh we give our identities to the virus and we basically say, "Oh, my sex life is over because of herpes." Or,
00:35:09
Courtney Brame: "Oh, uh my dating life is over because of herpes." I really don't think that's true. Um, one of them, well, actually it'll be one episode 169 because that's where I specifically talked about this. Uh, that podcast episode is called self-love scapegoats. And herpes is considered a scapegoat of self-love. I don't have to love myself because I have these barriers in the way. I'm going to blame herpes. I'm going to blame other things that need to be disclosed. I'm going to blame these insecurities that I have about myself on the fact that, oh, I can see my breath. Yeah, I have to cut that heat on in a minute. Um, I can blame my inability to get what I want on my insecurities. And I'm not going to do anything about my insecurities because I expect for someone to just accept me, love me, and be with me for who I am, despite me having uh what I consider to be like baggage.
00:36:09
Courtney Brame: I don't like the word baggage because um well for a number of reasons I really don't like that word. Um but anything that we really call baggage is just our own insecurity which is often something that we think others aren't going to accept us for because we wouldn't accept other people for it if we weren't in the same situation. I don't know why we have this idea that people are walking around here just flawlessly because that's not the case. Um let's for example like I have an insecurity about my humbleness and this oh damn I guess I got to talk about that now. Um we'll we'll we'll come back to this but insecurities just around um your genitals for instance. Oh I don't like the way my genitals look or I don't like the way my body looks. I don't like the way I think. I don't like that I have the herpes virus. I don't like it.
00:37:04
Courtney Brame: And you can just go down the list like those pieces of ourselves that we struggle with the most that we are so disconnected with. These are the parts of ourselves that we need to love the most. You know, um I was having a conversation with someone whose identity is so interconnected with their genitals that this is what they this is where they get their value from. the praise or the disrespect, I guess isn't another word, uh to their genitals. That's where they feel their value is and all their selfworth. And it's like, man, can you like let's let's go beyond that. What's your connection to the rest of your body? What's your connection to your mind, your thoughts, like your feelings, your emotions, your being, yourself? Where's your connection to all of that? And again, you know, it's just dismissing everything off to something else. And we really got to be able and willing to look at that stuff.
00:38:03
Courtney Brame: We got to be able to look at the insecurities. We can't expect somebody else to come along, look at our insecurities, and say, "Oh, it's okay. This is cute. I actually like this." And then that turns us into, "You do? Oh, well, you make me feel good because you like my insecurities, so now I'm going to be your puppet." No. f*** that. Like that's where we end up in these abusive situations and we end up a s*** ton worse off than we would have been had we just dealt with it, looked at it ourselves. And it frustrates me when people say do the work without any sort of context or example about what it looks like to do the work. But doing the work I believe is metaphorical for bringing awareness to the things that you're you're hiding like you're you're hiding from yourself. So you're hiding and masking yourself behind your insecurities.
00:38:56
Courtney Brame: So that looks like, oh, I'm not going to ask this person out because I have herpes. I don't want to be rejected for having herpes. This person's not gonna like me because I have herpes. Like now we've got that as a scapegoat and we dismiss that while on the other side of it like we don't like how attractive we are. We don't like that quarantine hit and we've gained a significant amount of weight so now we no longer feel connected to our bodies or we don't like our bodies anymore. Like these are all things that all we got to do is be willing to look at them. Looking at, you know, the mental health piece. I'm depressed. I got anxiety. I'm lonely. I don't know what's wrong with me. We have to be willing to see these things ourselves before we can begin to reach out to other people and expect them to see it for us.
00:39:47
Courtney Brame: Don't force people to see what you aren't willing to look at yourself. That is the moral of what I'm trying to say here. And um I don't think I really close out the viralizing humanity thing. I probably never will, but it's just a cool catchy phrase to say like don't viralize your humanity and humanize your virus, right? Uh so whatever context you want, you can take that. Um let's see. Closing out with therapy here. Uh I stuck with therapy all 2020 from March on to s***. Here we are in January. I'm going to continue to work with them. uh it doesn't need to be at the frequency it was. We talked every week during 2020 from the time that we started our sessions together. And so now um I think that I've been given the tools that I need in order to navigate, excuse me, navigate um like the discussions that we would have.
00:40:49
Courtney Brame: Um, one of the biggest things recently, let me say recently that, uh, my therapist helped me with what I mentioned earlier, um, I struggle with this overexaggerated sense of humility. And in doing so, I've learned that I really struggle to accept my role in something positive for positive people. And that also translates to my struggle to accept um what's gonna come from that. Like people always tell me, "Courtney, you do such a great thing. Courtney, this is amazing. Courtney, like I want to support you." And I'm always like, "Oh, you know, I don't need anything. Oh, I'm doing all right. I just have the podcast. If you want to help, just listen to the podcast." And this is a direct result of childhood trauma. So, my mother would tell me, what' she say? She used to be like, my mom was a single mom.
00:41:46
Courtney Brame: Um, her and my dad, I'd never seen them together. Um, I thought that was normal actually cuz all the kids that grew up, I'm from Ferguson. Uh, I grew up in Ferguson, Missouri, which is not near as bad as y'all probably think it is. But, um, all my friends lived with their mom and saw their dad on weekends, so I thought that s*** was normal. But, I remember my mom telling me, we had a conversation about this. She was like, "You’re arrogant just like your daddy. You arrogant just like your daddy." And that made me grow up with this idea that, "Okay, being like my dad is a bad thing, so don't be arrogant. Don't be like my dad." And you don't know what f****** arrogance means when you're a kid. You just think that it's cocky or confident or any of those things. So this overexaggerated sense of humility at 32 years old started with that.
00:42:34
Courtney Brame: And it started in little ways of like even how I would do dating. I have plenty of examples where I was overly nice to the point where it wasn't genuine. And even now I see the inconsistencies between me overly trying to be humble and express humility and you know having my feelings of pride. Like I'm f****** proud of myself for where I am right now. Like I'm proud of this thing that I've done. I'm proud that over the last four years I've done something and stuck with it. No one's put a gun to my head and made me record these podcasts. No one's made me get up early in the morning or get to bed early and upload these podcasts and do all of the uh support that I offer to people. Like, no one's made me do this. This is a thing that I want to do that I feel compelled to do and that has supported me uh mentally and emotionally and just like given me a sense of purpose and connectedness to the world.
00:43:31
Courtney Brame: Um, so I got every right to be proud of this. So like even if you see my Facebook post, me and my mom always talk s*** to each other on my Facebook post. Uh, she'll be like, "This too long to read." Or, "You arrogant. This was arrogant." You know, so we always joke around like that. But I didn't realize that this was like a traumatizing thing until I had my most recent conversation with my therapist. And so I let him know that. I was like, you know, I really struggle to accept the compliments that come with this. I struggle to accept compliments. Like people tell me I know I'm an attractive dude. Like I know that about myself but like when other people tell me that I'm always like thank you. Like I do that s*** and it's very… it's very fake. And then even in dating and relationships like I do the same s***.
00:44:14
Courtney Brame: I don't know exactly what it looks like but I know that it happens. Um and so this has been something that having realized this. I think it was Christmas Eve. Yeah we had a therapy session on Christmas Eve uh 2020. Um, and he asked me at the end of it, he was like, "What do you think your homework should be?" I was like, "Damn, you know, I know exactly what it is." So, I was like, "I need to talk to my mom, talk to my dad, and uh, s***, maybe even talk to my grandparents, right?" So, at the end of this, I um, I went home and I called my mom. Me and my mom had a three and a half minute conversation and I knew I got everything I needed from her. So, when I called, I was like, "Hey, remember like growing up you used to tell me, you know, you are arrogant just like your dad." like that made me respond to you in a way of like I don't
00:45:01
Courtney Brame: want to lose my mom's love, so I'm going to do my best to not be like my dad. If my dad's arrogant, he's probably cocky or confident or any of these things or sure of himself. So, I'm going to do the opposite. So, what's that look like? It looks like uh overexaggerated humility. It looks like being insecure. It looks like you're making yourself small. And for years and years and years, I've done that. But I've always felt like a resistance to it. Like there'd be times where I'd catch myself being what um I would consider to be like my dad. Like if I'm becoming too big or if I'm getting too much attention or if I'm getting too loud or if I'm too sure of myself or too certain. Right. And when people tell me I'm right, I f****** love that s***. Like if you wanna you want to make me smile, tell me I was right.
00:45:53
Courtney Brame: Um, but after that therapy session, um, I talked to my mom and you know, we went over what the definition of arrogance was. And when she said, what did she say? Verbat. She was like, well, in the Bible it said, and I was just like, you know what? We done here. That was it. That was the end of that conversation. Um, because we had different definitions of what arrogance was. and arrogance in uh if you Google arrogance it's something about like offensive confidence like where you are being offensive in your confidence and your pride I guess and um that was kind of that was what the definition ended up being but we were talking before we had that working definition so we ended up having to get off the phone and um I called my dad so I'm talking to my dad and mind you like if you listen to old episodes you know that like I recently kind of went off on my dad in like a 15-minute audio recording, but it was more so just like expressing my emotions and how I felt, you know, growing up given what the relationship dynamic was.
00:46:55
Courtney Brame: So, he and I, we have we can talk to each other still like nothing's changed. Um, he's asked questions since I gave him that recording. Um, where I let him know, you know, hey, here's how you f***** me up and here's how I'm healing from it. Um, but yeah, like he follows me on social media. He knows what I'm doing. He knows what I'm about. Like, and we we are able to be closer and have much better dialogue, even though he did the same s*** to me on uh Thanksgiving telling me this was going to happen and it didn't happen. So, I called him out for that. But, it's much more healthy of a relationship than it has been in the past. So I told him the same thing I said to my mom about how growing up she would say things like you are arrogant just like your dad. You're arrogant just like your dad.
00:47:45
Courtney Brame: My accent coming out. And u he was like well son does your arrogance have merit in it. I was like it does. And like when he posed that question, it made me realize like, oh damn, you know, it's not arrogance. Like my mom just had a different definition. So like this little bit of communication, I was able to heal something that I hadn't even realized was controlling me until I became aware of it on Christmas Eve 2020 at 32 years old. Right. So um I go on and talk to him. We ended up talking about a bunch of other stuff. We were on the phone for like an hour and I got off the phone with him and something told me to call my grandpa. So I called my granddad, my mom's mom and my mother's dad. I was like he answer the phone.
00:48:38
Courtney Brame: Hello. I was like all right, listen. So nobody knows your daughter like her father and her firstborn son. We know her better than anybody else. So I told him the same thing. My mom would always say you arrogant just like your dad. And so my grandad, this is so funny, my granddad and I, we're talking and we're talking and we end up talking about like my little sister. We end up talking about my grandmother and the whole time I listen I'm like he's arrogant like this is what arrogant is. So this whole time my mom is telling me I'm arrogant like my father, you know, and she even said she was like that's why I liked him. I was like, "Damn, that's why like…. I've struggled with dating because I've been trying so hard to like be something I'm not." You know, like if somebody doesn't like me because I'm confident.
00:49:26
Courtney Brame: Like I think that was probably what she meant. He was confident to the point where she couldn't stand it. But something in her was still attracted to it. And it's her dad who was the one that was being arrogant. I even said that to him. He said so. I was like, "You know what? I think you're the arrogant one in the family." So my grandpa, he was explaining to me like, you know, some jeans you just you just get passed down some jeans, you know, uh and that can be like a personality trait to just be arrogant or something like that or or uh I forget the exact wording, but by the time we got off the phone, I was on the phone with him for an hour, too. We got off the phone and I felt like I healed this thing. I got off the phone and I felt like it was okay for me to be me.
00:50:06
Courtney Brame: It was okay for me to accept compliments. It's okay for me to go after what I want, ask for what I want, get what I want, receive like in a way that is of course respectful and full of merit, right? Um because I just haven't- I hadn't recognized that before. I hadn't known that before. I wasn't conscious of it before. I don't know what happened on Christmas Eve for me to be like, you know what, I'm really struggling with this. And then I just so happened to have had a therapy session. like the whole therapy session was about something else. Um, but at the end of it was when the arrogance thing came up and bam, look at it. We were able to talk through that and like I feel that that is something that's been healed. I don't think that I stepped into like I've even really been mindful of it over the last week when people thank me for the podcast or when people reach out and tell me how f****** awesome or great I am.
00:51:02
Courtney Brame: I'm able to just say thank you. That wasn't a thing before. Like I would always have to go, "Oh no, you know, the guest, the guest." Like I'm passing and dismissing compliments on to other people, which ain't nothing wrong, nothing wrong with giving other people credit, but again, that's that over um overcompensation of humility. And uh, the most recent guest on the podcast that we had on, the woman that um I've known for six years, met on the dating site, like we've stayed in contact, and she was like, "You know what?" I told her, she was like, "You know what? I noticed that you've done that and I just didn't have the language for it. But that makes perfect sense. So like the inconsistent fluctuation between over humility and confidence has looked like that. Like it, it's been inconsistent. And for me to have consistency as one of my relational values and one of my boundaries, I'm in direct violation with that.
00:51:59
Courtney Brame: So now that I've been able to heal that energetic barrier, I would say my barrier of resistance to accepting that piece of myself, I don't know what I don't know what's about to be welcomed in, but I know that since getting rid of a lot of the toxicity that I've had in my life, um, speaking of toxicity, I lost my headphones in Chicago this past weekend, and that's another like symbolized uh a symbol of letting go because that was from a job that I don't have anymore. And like that's one of the last few things that needed to be let go of. And who knows what's going to come in as a result of freeing that up. I have no idea. But um I ordered new headphones because I need those for um for my calls that I have with you all and for the support group meetings. And then this um yoga teaching uh fundraiser that's going to be on January 9th. Um, so hopefully those get here like tomorrow.
00:53:01
Courtney Brame: Um, but yeah, like I I had like a healing moment for myself. Um, I'm really glad that I decided to do this. I think whenever I have a guest cancel or if we need to reschedule, I can just hop in here and record a podcast on just like an update. Uh, these solo episodes really do very well actually compared to the podcast episodes where I have guests. And I don't know if it's because I just have super low expectations or if y'all like the sound of my voice or if you genuinely give a f*** about what it is that I got going on in my personal life. But these are good experiences for me to be able to come on here and just share um updates as they relate to um my life and as they relate to something positive for positive people and um in my personal life. So uh yeah, I'm not arrogant.
00:54:06
Courtney Brame: I'm proud, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of everyone who's been a part of this. I'm proud of everyone who's made any sort of a contribution just energetically like if you send me good vibes or if you wish well for something positive for positive people or if you've reached out, if you listen to a podcast episode, if you've shared it, if you've made a donation and if you haven't or if you're someone who is brand new here and this is the first time you're listening to anything, welcome. Thank you for being here. I appreciate it. Um, I ask that you consider making a donation. I ask that you consider going to uh look at the website, check out the blog post. And um I'm really excited for this blog, y'all. Like, I'm pumped because I thought that what I would end up having to do is um just continue to be muted or silenced or um shadowbanned, I guess, is what they call it, on Instagram.
00:55:01
Courtney Brame: But now I can just… This has been something available to me all this time. Like I've had uh visions so to speak of writing or having some some type of like audio book called something positive from positive people or having some sort of a like column at a major publication that allowed for me to talk through um or re read through write through whatever uh some of the insights and takeaways from guests that we've had on the show before. Um, so here I am now like I'm bringing everything home. And that's kind of what the theme of 2020 has been. It's been to go deeper with the fewer connections that you have like in even in my relationships that I have um in my, you know, podcasting and something positive for positive people with my family, my close friends. like I've really been able to more deeply connect with them and with all of these things and these people to the point where I'm feeling like a whole new sense of wholeness and I'm grateful for that.
00:56:13
Courtney Brame: You know, 2020 for a lot of people has been rough and I think that you won't hear from more people who 2020 was good for. Like I, I'll be the first to tell you like I got unemployment most of the year. like that money that $600 a week that was coming in early on in the year. I saved the s*** out of that money to where I was able to reinvest more energy and time into my yoga teacher training certification, my uh my ability to podcast and be able to get to a point where I can make myself the executive director of this organization. Um I've been seeing someone since quarantine started and now, you know, I'm dating her. We're in a relationship. Um, I'm actually polyamorous now. I don't know if that was ever like cuz I always talked about it, but like never really had somebody um in my life who was okay with that. So yeah, like 2020 was a good f****** year for me.
00:57:12
Courtney Brame: Yeah, I got COVID, but I got over it. Like I had bodyaches for five days. I hope I don't get it again. I hope I didn't give it to anybody. I hope I don't give it to anybody. Um, I did lose, you know, a great uncle, grand uncle, my grandfather's brother, my grandfather's brother. Um but yeah and I know other people have experienced tremendous amounts of loss but like I also want to recognize you know the people who thrived who survived uh the the struggles of this year you know like I hate to say this this way but when people were like how I don't know what's going to happen you know next month or I don't know what my finances are going to look like welcome to my f****** life I don't know like too many people like I know you know a couple of people who um have experienced struggle and who are experiencing struggle, but like this situation s*** ain't new to me.
00:58:06
Courtney Brame: Like I've been uncertain. I've been uncertain for years and having to do what I got to do and adapt and all of that stuff the best way I can because you know regardless of um you I think that my family if I need them to they will help but I like to treat them as if they're not there so that I can make whatever decisions need to be made for Courtney um in the best way possible to where I don't need to ask for help. But I know now and like again now that I can ask for help because I kind of got you know caught up in this whole like this is now something that's everyone is seeing and everyone's aware of that people are struggling and now because of that more people are welcoming and like hey I actually you know am in position to offer a lot or offer a little here's what I can offer and they're offering help which you know makes somebody like me a little bit more inclined to accept accept it.
00:59:02
Courtney Brame: So, I didn't think that I'd be talking for an hour. Ended up happening. I hope that you appreciate and enjoy the rambling of me, Courtney Brame, the founder, executive director, host, producer of Something Positive for Positive People. I ask that you engage with the content on social media. I'm at H on my chest on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Reddit, and um please share these resources. If you can't donate, if you don't want to donate, like understand the Venmo and the Cash App are in Courtney's name and then I just transfer it into the Something Positive account. I know a lot of people don't follow Something Positive for Positive People or their social media accounts because of fear of being seen in connection with uh herpes related content, STI content. But that's not the case. Like I, I got ways around that. If you want to get involved, if you want to support, if you want to be a guest, I don't have to say your name um on the interviews either. So that concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. Please like, rate, review, share, subscribe to this podcast, and tune in. Check out the uh blog as well. Till next time, stay sex positive. Oh. Oh, I thought I had to stop for an hour. This app runs more than an hour. That's tight. We have to have some long episodes now, y'all. Um, yeah, the blog. Something Positive for Positive People or sorry, Something Positive FROM Positive People is the blog name. I don't think anybody on Instagram live had any questions at all. I think somebody called me daddy up there and somebody said they understood when I was talking about boundaries. So uh, that’s it. Til next time, stay sex positive.
