SPFPP Episode 200: How to End Herpes Stigma

It's not goodbye, it's good transition. Also a must listen. Come, get what you need, then leave. Move on. Herpes stigma is internal and starts with the power we, those impacted by it, allow for it to take from us. Give it something useful to US, practical applications only.

Episode 200 Transcript

Saying Goodbye to Season One and Stepping Away From Avoidance

00:00:00 Courtney Brame: I don't know about y'all, but I am really thrilled to see that I am now at 200 numerical episodes of Something Positive for Positive People. When you include the bonus episodes, I believe there might have been 14. So, looking back on the last It's been a little bit over four years starting out thinking that I might get one person to interview within a month and thinking that I could only do this podcast if I had a guest who was ready to and willing to share their experiences living with herpes... What I want to do today uh for episode 200 of Something Positive for Positive People is say goodbye. Uh I want to say goodbye to at the very least this format, this way of um running the Something Positive for Positive People podcast.

00:01:45 Courtney Brame: A lot of what I have come across has really shown me that this isn't something that should go on forever. It's something that should live with the times that we face... The quickest way to stop doing something is to stop doing it. And if avoidance is a thing that's consistently been a pattern in your life, for you to have made a decision to acknowledge that there is something that is there, you're already on your healing process. You've initiated it, right, by not just continuing to dismiss it or avoid it... One of the consistent themes among this podcast you'll hear is that people had to challenge their belief systems with their behavior. What you think is one thing that's inside you that's internal. You can behave in a completely different way than what you think.

Retiring the "Herpes Activist" Label

00:04:23 Courtney Brame: Where I'm at now for me personally is I see that there are so many ways while I'm challenging stigma, I am still enabling the perpetuation of stigma for herpes specifically. Um, I tell people, "Come here, get what you need, and leave." I should have done that a long time ago. But there were just things that were pulling me back into this direction.

00:05:28 Courtney Brame: I woke up two days ago and was like, I'm over talking about herpes. Like herpes, someone called me a herpes activist again. And that frustrates me because it really limits the dynamic of what this whole entire podcast, what this organization and what Courtney is about. So to say that what I'm doing is herpes activism or like I'm advocating for herpes, that's not what it is. I'm advocating for people. I'm advocating for people to challenge their beliefs with behavior. I'm challenging people to heal and empower people by connecting them to the resources and others experiences that will support them.

00:11:20 Courtney Brame: I don't want you to continue to come to Courtney, come to H on my chest or uh Something Positive for Positive People podcast for new podcast episodes. If you continue to engage with me is because you like being here and that should be it. So I want to give people the same thing that I encourage you to give to yourself, which is the gift of moving on, the gift of letting go, the gift of transitioning out of uh focusing so much energy on your herpes diagnosis and move on to focusing on your your being, your identity, your values, your boundaries, your relationships, your connections. That's what I wish for you.

The Financial Reality of the Therapy Fund

00:13:36 Courtney Brame: My goal is to shift the services of Something Positive for Positive People uh the nonprofit to be not exclusive to people with herpes. I'm going to be flat out with you. What I've learned is that more people who have herpes are fine than are not... For me to make an effort to provide uh therapy services exclusively to people with herpes, I can't justify that when I'm seeking funding. Um the donations so far have not been enough to support uh therapy for people with herpes. That's been something that's had to come out of my pocket.

00:15:34 Courtney Brame: I'm making a point to offer therapy for free to people and then I've got people that are just not showing up uh that have just stopped coming people that aren't taking it seriously... I'm also finding that when there's no need for people to put anything up front, more often than not, it's not taken as seriously as it should be. So, I have to take care of the people who are serious about this... I just have to hit the pause button for now until we can raise more money to make this a sustainable thing.

00:18:39 Courtney Brame: I recognize that my um seemingly infinite emotional capacity comes from a trauma response. Like that's 100% what this is. Uh, I've created an entire organization that fulfills a childhood um trauma of being the emotional support of my mom. And that's what this is now... And it's something that fuels my soul. It doesn't drain me. What drains me is being taken advantage of. What drains me is when it's not reciprocated... If you're not serious about therapy, please don't reach out.

Practical Steps to Overcome Herpes Stigma

00:28:56 Courtney Brame: One of the first things that I encourage people to do in order to get through the herpes stigma is to first remind yourself of who you were before your diagnosis. The way that this looks is by going and doing the things that you still did before you were diagnosed with herpes... The quickest way to remind ourselves of who we are is to disclose to someone.

00:31:23 Courtney Brame: Another thing to do is to accept yourself with compassion. I had to first, you know, remember who I was and accept who I was. And then I had to also accept the fact that now I have herpes and that means that I might occasionally have an outbreak, which means that I need to be more compassionate to myself physically... The acceptance looks like being able to say to myself in the mirror, I have herpes.

00:32:27 Courtney Brame: Consume resources and shared experiences and support as needed without obsessing in spaces whether attempting to alleviate or perpetuate stigma. Now, a lot of support groups perpetuate stigma just through group dynamics... You're in a place of coping, of being around other people who are venting. You're venting around other people who are venting. There's this perpetual cycle of negativity. Nothing's being done.

00:39:43 Courtney Brame: I am a firm believer that the pharmaceutical companies are really taking advantage of us. This isn't a great medication. It isn't effective for a lot of people that I've spoken to and we have alternatives that appear to be even more effective... Why are we taking the medication if we're not having outbreaks? To me, that doesn't make sense. And when you read the bottle, you read the side effects, you see that there are often probably more side effects to taking the medication than not taking the medication.

Defining the "Self" and Entering Season Two

00:46:42 Courtney Brame: Answer the question, who am I? Ask yourself, who do I want to be? The shortcut to this is looking at the invisible aspects of your intersecting identities, your values... It took me a lot of asking the question, what am I not? In order for me to get to this point of realizing that I am not my body, I am not my mind... What I am is that electrical current that runs through the body that triggers movement that triggers thought that triggers speech that allows for connection to take place.

00:50:01 Courtney Brame: Ask yourself, what do I want? Take herpes out of the equation... Once you have that answer, talk through what needs to be done to get what you want out of life. And then you got to start doing it... Make space for looking at herpes as disclosures and outbreaks occur. That's it. When it comes to herpes, the only issues that we really have are when we have an outbreak and when we have to disclose it to someone.

00:52:32 Courtney Brame: Don't be surprised when someone is okay with the fact that you have herpes and still wants to move forward with you intimately and like to build with you and have a relationship with you and have a career with you. Like that should not be a surprise to us. That should be the expectation. It should be a surprise when things don't go our way.

00:58:51 Courtney Brame: These 200 episodes have become the fundraising tool for Something Positive for Positive People. And as we transition into season two, it's about to get real. We're expanding. We're learning how to heal from things that are talking about like beliefs and behavior patterns and like just healing through some form of trauma, probably sexual trauma. Thank you so much for all of your support to this point, y'all. I hope you continue on with me to season two. Till next time, stay sex positive.