Episode 107: Dating Advice from a Divorced Marriage Therapist

What do you think of outsourcing your needs to multiple relationships? Before we get caught up into thinking this conversation is exclusively about sexual relationships, please know that the definition of relationships means the way two or more people are connected. So, in what way do you connect with people to get your needs met? Are you someone who believes you should meet all your needs with one connection and meet all the needs of another through that same connection?

A friend of mine laid out a mental image for me – imagine a needs web – it was probably the most brilliant thing I’ve come across. What he did was lay out a handful of basic needs without the actual person attached to them. Of course there’s food, shelter, air and your basic survival needs. But what about our need for human connection? And within human connection, there are so many variations. Some of the ways we feel most connected to others is through activities we enjoy with them. So you can like video games, movies, music, sports, cars, sex, traveling, working out, etc.

There may be people you can do multiple things with, there may be a person you can do multiple things with. When you have the awareness of what all of your different needs are, the reality is that in order to keep yourself balanced, you have to have those needs met.

As someone who identifies as self aware, I know when I’m not having all of my own needs met, and when I don’t feel connected. The feeling of disconnection shows up as stress, anxiety, maybe even depression if I’m being transparent.

I’ve historically tried to find partners who meet needs that aren’t my own, very superficial ones. Yeah, I’ve had partners who were beautiful, but I wouldn’t have fun with them at Comic-Con. Yeah, we had great sex, but we didn’t like the same music. I can go on but rather than seeking a partner who has something on the list and seeing what I can go without, I learned to allow the depth of connection of all my relationships to be explored.

I have a friend I enjoy working out with, someone I enjoy spiritual conversations with, someone who challenges my growth, someone I can go to Comic-Con with. We can enjoy our hobbies and interests alone of course so please don’t take this as being needy for choosing to do things you enjoy with people you like. I believe when you add connection to an activity, it recharges us energetically.

Sourcing your needs to multiple relationships to center yourself, will allow you to see yourself as whole, and not necessarily looking to be completed – especially not by just one person. This allows people into your life to see you as you are, and gives you the clarity to see others as who they are and choose to consciously move into a type of relationship that works for you all. Just ask yourself if you’re getting your needs met.