Episode 119: The SPFPP Gray Rule
The SPFPP Gray Rule: Others Can Only Treat You (at best) the Way They Treat Themselves. Over the weekend I got a little bit sick and had to sit down for a while. During that time, I spent a lot of time in my yoga books and reflecting on what I was learning. During a meditation, something that came up for me was my view on disappointment. An ongoing narrative in my life has been, “When I get excited, I will be disappointed”. This stems from my dad issue. I thought if I reframed the narratives individually in areas I experience disappointment, I wouldn’t get disappointed anymore. This is NOT the case.
The shift for me occurred when I realized it was excitement that brought about ongoing disappointment, it was expectations. The reality is, that I expect others to treat me the way I want to be treated simply because that’s what we were all taught about the golden rule. Turns out, the real world just simply doesn’t work that way. We all have our own internal rules we live by. We have our priorities, boundaries, values, and standards. We behave in accordance to what’s a priority to us, not what the priorities of others are.
If we all treat others the way WE want to be treated, we are bound to be disappointed when that isn’t reciprocated. So here I present to you the SPFPP Gray Rule: “Others can only treat you (at best) the way they treat themselves. Let that sink in, and then download the latest episode of Something Positive for Positive People on your favorite podcast player and listen to me ramble through my philosophy around this.
Disclaimer: So, as you hear the word platinum in the podcast episode, swap it out with gray because there’s a platinum rule which states to treat others the way THEY want to be treated. Looks like there’s a book on Business by Tony Alessandra, Ph.D., and Michael J. O’Connor, Ph.D. if you wanna check that out. I didn’t check on this until after I recorded.
Episode 119 Transcript
Intro and the "Platinum" (or Gray) Rule
00:00:00 Courtney Brame: All right. So, I just recorded 24 minutes of a solo podcast that I felt like I dropped some heat on by myself and then it cut off at some point. rather than me trying to piece everything back together, I'm just going to start from the beginning. So, welcome to Something Positive for Positive I'm Courtney Brame. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that provides experience-based resources for stigmatized individuals to help navigate their healing process. I sound like I'm crying, I think. But, it's a combination of being out of breath and just getting over some kind of a cold or something. I don't really know what it is. Maybe it's allergies, but I took off work yesterday and I had all day Sunday.
Courtney Brame: So today's Tuesday, just to give you an idea, in order to just let my body recover, I'm really focusing on listening to my body and being mindful of what it is that it needs from me because I ask a lot of it with the weightlifting, the yoga practice, and just having it be on go for so many hours in a day. So, it's important to take time to just kind of sit back and take care of myself, as I encourage you all to do as well. It's just me today. So, if you were expecting the sexy, alluring sounds of one of our female guests, then I'm sorry to disappoint. You can go back to any of the other ones if that's what you're here for. But, yeah, sorry to disappoint. It's just me.
Courtney Brame: But I am here because I want to talk about something that it's really a struggle for me to put into words in a post or something and I want to make sure that the message gets across to the person who needs it. So, I think it's important for me to talk about it here. So, we're all familiar with the golden rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. But what happens if a person or people aren't ready for you to treat them the way that you want to be treated? Or what if the way that they interpret it is significantly different than the way you intend for it to come across? So, one of the things that we often talk about here is intention versus impact.
Courtney Brame: You can have every intention of nothing but good and then it be received in a negative way or the other person just takes it in a way that harms that's selfharming to them psychologically. So one example I can give is when I say something to you the way that I'm saying it may not necessarily be the way that you're hearing it. And having hosted this podcast for a while now, I think that I've gotten a lot better about that. And I'll often ramble in order to make sure that the point gets across as simple and in a way that doesn't leave room for misinterpretation as possible.
Courtney Brame: This is a challenging thing to do, but I think that the people who listen to this podcast understand what my intentions are, even if the impact may not always be there. So, over the weekend, I had an epiphany. So, I've been doing a lot of meditation. I'm in yoga teacher training for those who don't know. And this is my third weekend. This past weekend, we were off, but I still wanted to do some stuff. So, I've been reading yoga books. Right now I'm reading Light on Life. I forget the guy's name who wrote it. But if you Google it, you'll know what the title is. And so I've been working on some of those meditations. And in my meditation, a thought arose or that voice that is often drowning in the background of distractions and noise spoke to me.
Courtney Brame: And what it said was it brought up my childhood trauma issue that I see playing out in adulthood now. And now that I'm aware of it, I've given the narrative redefinition. So the narrative used to be that if I get excited then I will be disappointed. So if I were to be excited about something then I'd get let down because it wouldn't happen. It isn't the excitement, it's the expectation attached to it. And the reason that in the beginning I brought up the golden rule about treating others the way that you want to be treated is because I want to introduce the gray rule or the silver rule. I'm using these colors because my favorite color is gray and it's also in the podcast logo.
00:05:00 Courtney Brame: but maybe call it the platinum rule which is that others treat you the way they treat themselves. Right? And this is where I kind of get a little bit stuck because I have personal examples, but I don't want to put too much of the people around me out there, especially with my family situations that I've been through. I've talked about them very vaguely in the past, but this is just something that I've noticed over my weekend of just meditating. And over the past few weeks, I've been like, whoa, this is some real s***. The way that people consistently treat themselves is exactly how they are going to treat you at the best. So the most that they are able to offer you is what they give to themselves.
Courtney Brame: So a person who doesn't have any boundaries, who doesn't have any standards for themselves, who doesn't seem to have any sort of values or priorities or everything is a priority. That there's an inconsistency there and the pattern tends to be that at any given moment they can flake because something else becomes a priority. And so that's how I've had to interpret my own experiences with situations that I've been faced with and even with other people. It's just that different people have different priorities and that's okay.
Developing Core Values and Standards
Courtney Brame: The way that I came up with to protect myself really is to have such high standards for myself and have values and boundaries and prioritize the needs of my spirit so that that's taken care of. I've done that and it's minimized my expectations of others. So, like I said, it wasn't the excitement that let me down. It was the expectation of others that let me down because I wasn't looking at how people consistently treat themselves. And the way that they treat themselves is how they treat other people is how they're going to treat you. So, this is Something Positive for Positive People. Platinum rule is that other people are going to treat you at best the way that they treat themselves.
Courtney Brame: So the people who you may feel the people you may think are stuck up, the people you may think are prude or are a b**** or a dick. I think that and contextually of course I think that there's something to take away from these people and that they hold themselves in such high regard that they don't allow b** in their presence so to speak or they bring something out of us that challenges where we are in our lives as far as being able to so confidently uphold and honor our values and priorities.
Courtney Brame: there's a saying out there, if it's not a hell yes, then it's a no. And I think that that's something that can be applied here as well. If you're not excited about a thing, then you should be saying you shouldn't say then maybe you need a little bit more information or maybe it's just not for you. And that's in reference to taking it back to people because I will keep talking and if no one's on the other side of this to shut me up or keep me on topic I will continue to do that. So in my personal experience I have developed values and I've always had three because these are three things that I feel go well with one another. So starting out I used to journal a lot. I think I started back in… I was 25.
Courtney Brame: So, it's been about six years of me continuously journaling at least on a weekly basis. Sometimes every day, sometimes twice a day. But it started out with my values being freedom, understanding, and growth. And what these meant for me were that these were my priorities. I would make decisions centering from a place of freedom, growth, and understanding. So over time those evolved and became more clear, more direct and they became evolution, liberation and peace, which to me is more of an expansion on the original words that I had as my three core values that I live by. Right?
00:10:00 Courtney Brame: So in making those a priority, I've come to realize that there's one common factor in those three things for me that show up in my life on a regular basis and that's connection. My priority and I talk about this often, but my priority is and always has been connection. And then this word transparency has come up, connection and transparency have worked their way into the mix. But when I'm operating from that space, these are my standards. So the way that I view standards and expectations is that they're the same thing.
Courtney Brame: The standards are internal and things that they're expectations of ourselves. Whereas expectations are standards that we place on other people, So for me, the more solid, the more grounded we are in our standards, then the lower our expectations are for other people. And I think that with that, other people can't necessarily disappoint us because we're not expecting from them very much. At the very least, we have the expectation that they are going to treat us at the best the way that they treat themselves. So, I just want to bring that back again. We're going to call it the platinum rule.
Courtney Brame: Something Positive for Positive People platinum rule is that the way other people treat themselves consistently is the best that they're able to treat you. So, if there's no maturity, if there's no consistency, then you can't expect people to be mature, communicative, and consistent with you, and I'm sure there are plenty of examples that people can call from their experience. The only ones that I can think of are family related and I hope that you all can respect the fact that I want to keep at least my family matters a little bit private to some extent. But I've recognized that me, the people that I've enjoyed exchanging energy with and being around or communicating with on a regular basis, they all have these really high standards for themselves.
Trusting Yourself and Prioritizing the Spirit
Courtney Brame: They don't allow themselves to be talked to in any kind of way. They don't allow much negativity in their space. I mean, unless it's constructive negativity or criticism, that is useful. and I admire that. I look up to the people who can honor themselves consistently because these are the people that I like to absorb things from. I like to take a little bit of this from the different people that I communicate with on a regular basis, So, I want to challenge people to make time for themselves to really see what their standards are and look at the way that you can do this one of two ways.
Courtney Brame: Look at the way other people show up in your life and look at how you treat them and see if there's any pattern in how you treat yourself and then look at the people around you and see if there's any consistent patterns in how other people treat themselves. because the golden rule is great. treat others the way you want to be treated, but it's not always received the way that we intend for it to. So, I think that we set ourselves up to be disappointed less when we're able to anticipate others just being exactly who they are. And we can look at that from people's behavior. I think we eliminate a lot of heartbreak.
Courtney Brame: I think we eliminate a lot of disappointment, a lot of let down, and whatever else falls under that category by being able to see people for exactly who they are and understand that they're going to treat us at the best the way that they treat themselves. So, anyone who doesn't really take care of themselves or doesn't make space for themselves to recharge, these are people who aren't going to give you the space to recharge or they're going to misinterpret your time away to yourself as attacking them or it'll be a tool for manipulation or something like that. So, be mindful of this and I hope that this is something that makes sense to people.
Courtney Brame: It's really weird for me to do these solo episodes, especially when I don't have any notes by me, because I will talk and talk and talk in circles and not ever get to a point. But that's the thing that I hope that people take away from this conversation. I've wanted to say a lot of things over the last few weeks, but we had podcast episodes that were scheduled on dates to be released and so I'm plugging this one in here in between next week's episode, which is going to be with the Just Keep Swinging podcast. I just need to edit that. But I felt like it was important for me to come in and just share this. I had a friend tell me recently because I've been going through some personal stuff dealing with the podcast, outside in my personal life is where I've been dealing with it. And so one of my really good friends, I talked to him about what was going on and he said to me, he was like, "Dude, do you even listen to your own podcast?"
00:15:00 Courtney Brame: the way that he said it was just really reaffirming the consistent message that I've been getting from the universe, which has been to just trust myself. And so I give all these gems and I drop all these nuggets of really good advice and healing information and I'm struggling in my personal life in a few areas and just not implementing the very things that I'm asking and telling you all to implement as listeners of this podcast and as supporters of Something Positive for Positive People. So, I'm leaning into that trust of myself and sharing this information and putting it out here, in regards to just how we do relationships, how we treat ourselves. And I really encourage people to just sit with this.
Courtney Brame: If you got a notebook, if you're in a place where you're not driving or if you're in the comfort of your own home and you have a notebook and a pen and pad or even a laptop and you're able to just type it up or even write it in your notes on your phone as you have a little bit of free time, How are you allowing other people to treat you? Where are you being disappointed in? Where can you allow yourself to not be disappointed in your life more? These are all things that I'm working on personally. and I've done this. I got a notebook that's full. I've got 10 to 12 notebooks by now that are just full of journal entries of my own introspection.
Courtney Brame: And then I got to tell you, over the last couple of weeks, I think that yoga teacher training has been the most powerful for me because questions are being asked and things are coming up that I've just never had to consider before. And it's bringing me into a whole new space of self-awareness, and it's strongly pulling me towards trusting myself. And where I have that trust for myself, I can then prioritize the things that need to be prioritized in my life so that I can uphold these standards and hopefully encourage other people to uphold their own standards. And then maybe I can begin to get people to step their game up.
Courtney Brame: I want people to challenge each other to step their game up in terms of just being aware that other people are going to treat us the way they treat themselves. And it has nothing to do with merely being in their presence and honoring our own priorities, values, space, I think I said boundaries twice, but standards. This might be something that reflects back to them like, " I'm not doing that. What are my priorities? I don't have any priorities or everything is a priority to me." And these kinds of people are all over the place. And I got to tell you that that was me for a while.
Courtney Brame: I mean, and what I mean by while is that was me probably up until this weekend when I had the realization that's what I was doing. In my disappointment from the world around me, from situations and other people like this is the very thing that I've done to myself. I'll let myself get excited about things and then I'll bail out at the last minute or u I'll say this is what I'm doing and then not do it.
Courtney Brame: So, I've been inconsistent with myself and I've prioritized everything for other people for a really long time. And I'm finding that when you make, and this is going to be some like yogi, philosophy, spiritual, cosmic stuff. if you don't agree with the spirituality piece, then just interchangeably use it with emotions. But since prioritizing my emotions and spirit, I'm noticing that the world around me is reflecting the needs back to me physically rather than me doing it backwards where I'm like, "Okay, I just need to make a certain amount of money. I need to create a certain amount of stability for myself.
Prioritizing Your Own Cup
00:20:00 Courtney Brame: I need to have this and this in place before I can prioritize my needs for my soul or for my emotions or prioritize my mental health. And it doesn't work that way. It's important for us to prioritize what is calling through us to be prioritized. So if you find yourself experiencing the intensity of any particular emotion, sit with that and ask yourself Why are you feeling this emotion? Right? And for the spiritual folks, what's your spirit being called to? Do you have some sort of a purpose that you feel drawn to or a cause that you may need to commit to? Are there inconsistencies in what you believe and what it is that you're doing? Sit with this and examine it.
Courtney Brame: And once you begin to prioritize these things, the world around you is going to provide everything it is that you need in order to continue on your mission or to continue on your path and continue to do whatever it is that your emotions need to express themselves or what your spirit needs in order to fulfill whatever mission that's here to achieve. I think this is a good stopping point because I'm feeling myself wanting to do more rambling here. So, I want to just get to a point where I can wrap this conversation up. The main takeaway is to sit with the platinum rule that others can only treat you the way that they treat themselves at best.
Courtney Brame: And that's the best assuming that they're going above and beyond to treat you the way that they treat themselves. So expect to be treated a little bit as a lower priority than that. But the people who prioritize themselves aren't necessarily selfish. These are people who are self-ful. And the more full you can be, the more you have to give. And this was something that I had to learn and by the hard way, I just mean you almost suffer. I guess maybe it's burnout. and I haven't experienced it with Something Positive for Positive People as this has been something that's been really filling for me. But I've experienced it in relationships where I just give so much of myself to my partner, and their success and their stability and their happiness that I'm completely just neglected or drained.
Courtney Brame: And then it's like the one thing that I don't get fulfilled in from the relationship is it hits exponentially harder than it would had I been taking care of my own needs. So I don't know if this is something that resonates. If you don't understand it and need some more elaboration, please don't hesitate to reach out. I'm going to go ahead and just end the episode here, and people let that marinate with them. I want to get to a place where I can do more of these kinds of episodes because I think that they're relevant not only to people who are living with herpes or dealing with mental health challenges or any STI facing any sort of stigma, trauma, dealing with any kind of shame, but this is something that is complimentary to the healing process.
Outro: Podcast Updates and Upcoming Guests
Courtney Brame: I have these kinds of thoughts regularly and I drop them in different podcast episodes, but to go into this kind of detail is something that's new to me and challenging and it's something that I am leaning into as part of my self-trusting process. If you haven't already, please go back and listen to the last few episodes of Something Positive for Positive People. We really touch on the stigmatization and isms in the health care field. As you know, you've probably heard different ads about needing a button campaign by a dating.com group. You can go to waxo.com and check out some of those stories and you can visit the hash unfair care to hear from people who are facing the stigmatization that they're facing from the healthcare community.
Courtney Brame: and we're just trying to get to a place where we can recognize sex positive, friendly, empathetic health care providers. So yeah, the last few episodes, go and check those out. Next week's episode is going to be with the Just Keep Swinging podcast. So, we've got two swingers who are going to share their experiences with their herpes scare and I believe I'll have to revisit the episode and go through the edits, but we recorded this one a couple of weeks ago. So, I'm excited to get this one edited and up and running for you all. and I invite you to go and check out their podcast. It's Just Keep Swinging, especially if you're into non-monogamy at all.
00:25:00 Courtney Brame: It's a great episode and it's very similar to what we have here as far as going through their story about that herpes scare cuz I know that there have been a lot of questions about non- monogamy and open relationships, especially dating with a positive STI status. So, you can get a little bit of insight from them. Is there anything else? yeah. The board of directors for Something Positive for Positive People is now on the website. You can visit the tab that says board of directors by going to spfpp.org and checking that out. I am always looking for guests to have on the podcast. I don't have anyone coming up anytime soon. So you can reach out courtney@spfpp.org or go to the website and fill in the inquiry form if you want to be a guest.
Courtney Brame: If you feel like you are feeling drawn to share your story, if you have any insight, input to bring to the podcast, if you got any ideas how we can make it better, how we can make it more tolerable. I'm all ears for any and all insight. I'm really pumped for where Something Positive for Positive People is going to be headed now, especially with having announced the board of directors. And there are some things that are coming up that I think are really going to elevate the podcast and make it to where we can do more for more people. And all I just need is for y'all to continue to rate, review, subscribe to, and support the podcast however you feel called to do. Till next time, stay sex positive.
Meeting ended after 00:26:42
