SPFPP 349: Nonmonogamous conversations monogamous people need to have - Part 1
In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of relationships, focusing on conversations monogamous people need to be having—conversations often expected in non-monogamous relationships. Joined by a fellow herpes advocate, we explore topics such as ghosting, age differences, manipulation, and the impact of stigma on our self-esteem. We discuss the fear of disclosure, the importance of accountability, and how unhealthy relationships can sometimes divert our attention from what truly matters. Our guest shares insights from her journey through the kink community and how it shaped her communication skills, ultimately leading to a healthy marriage. We introduce the idea that the real challenge in relationships isn’t always finding someone else but learning to be vulnerable and open in communication. Stay tuned for part 2, where we’ll continue this important conversation!
Non-Monogamous Conversations Monogamous People Need To Have
I kind of hope this title gets misconstrued and people polarize it as if I’m saying non-monogamy is better than monogamy or vice versa. I don’t anticipate that by any means, but if the message got out there in any way for more people who identify as one or the other, or people looking for something that aligns for them, I’ll deal with the misinterpretations of my words.
I recently recorded a podcast and plugged my upcoming Safe Sex Expo. As I was speaking about my intentions introducing and making accessible the communication skills and language that non-monogamous and kinky people are more familiar with, that isn’t necessarily available to many vanilla or monogamous people, my guest Kate was enthusiastically non-verbally agreeing. We completed that episode and as I was closing out she started to tell a NEW story about how non-monogamy essentially made her better at being monogamous, but we had to go because our time was up.
Fortunately, our guest was available for a Part 2 of our conversation on this episode of the Herpes Stigma Minimization Podcast, Something Positive for Positive People. That episode can be found here. In this episode we really got to hear about how she felt a little guilt about how she used non-monogamy as sort of a placeholder until she found what she wanted, but she was really grateful for the lessons that came out of it. Our guest shared being upfront and intentional with partners was something she hadn’t experienced in monogamous relationships. In fact it made her even more upfront with a partner who, while inexperienced in non-monogamy, he liked her more than he didn’t want to be non-monogamous. Actually, I’m catching myself describing the episode more than actually speaking to the topic here. The episode was great and I encourage you to listen to it if you’re able.
This topic of non-monogamy right now in my life is prevalent because I’m someone who was fascinated by it at the expense of monogamous relationships, simply because it wasn’t psychologically accessible for me to communicate with my monogamous partners at the time what my needs were from them. Yet, what was accessible on social media was this alternative lifestyle, relationship style, and way of experiencing intimacy. It had the perfect amount of mystery and appeal to it because it was so taboo to be able to have sex with more than one person and it not be seen as cheating.
I remember thinking when I learned about this that I would never cheat on my girlfriend/fiancée/wife, because that’s what caused break-ups. After I learned about this lifestyle, that belief really changed. I learned why my parents didn’t work out and saw why my grandparents’ relationships/marriages didn’t work out—and it wasn’t actually cheating, it was lying. It wasn’t the kind of lying you’d think where it’s just a blatant no to something the answer is yes to. It’s that dangerous lie where it’s a person not being who they really are and the lie they tell themselves becomes their truth, so any actions or words from THIS place of being is inconsistent with who they really are, and therefore, just not being who they really are in the relationship. THIS leads to the external lying and then cheating because, well, there’s just someone they’re more compatible with and we all like being ourselves around people who approve of us being ourselves more than people we have to wear a mask for.
I began to learn that people became a person for the relationship they got into, and sort of fight to maintain that state of self to remain in it, usually becoming someone they aren’t in order to get to be with someone they aren’t compatible with. I always thought about how important looks are and then if the other person is nice as metrics for compatibility. I wasn’t really shown or taught how to assess for compatibility or look at the long-term things that would matter more than the right now of the relationship.
So boom, find cute girl, make her your girlfriend, go on dates, have sex, and eventually have a family. This was it. Disagreeing and then her being right was the norm, regardless of what the evidence was on the other side.
It was after learning about people having multiple partners where I became attracted to the freedom in that. I found the solution to staying with one person, and it was to accommodate for their perceived shortcomings in other relationships.
I went from, “Well if you can’t cheat, then we can’t break up,” to “Wait a minute, if this person won’t do something I want them to, or let me do what I want, I can just find someone else for it.” This thought process began with a harmless good intention to just stay together with my partner, and it eventually became on one end, a way of identifying early on whether or not someone was compatible with me or not, to locking people into an individual needs machine.
The objectification of people is something I’ve never wanted to take part in, and as I interviewed our guest for this podcast episode specifically, I had a moment of reflection like, “Damn! I did that.” This podcast guest’s story and experiences very much reflected back to me things that I hadn’t considered, especially as someone who . . . went from unconsciously navigating my monogamous relationships to consciously going into non-monogamy THEN going back into monogamy more consciously.
This concept of non-monogamous conversations monogamous people need to have is my homage and respect for the conscious communications skills and confidence I’ve learned through non-monogamy and believe more monogamous or undecided people can benefit from. The conscious choice to enter a monogamous relationship has given me this idea of freedom that I never saw possible, but ONLY after having compromised potentially healthy monogamous relationships in the past because I was unable to communicate my needs. Better said, unwilling to communicate them partly because I didn’t know how, but partly because I chose the easy route.
I want people in their monogamous, non-monogamous, and undecided relationships and situationships to have access to the same communication skills, relationship management tools, and understanding of boundaries, needs, and intentions that I learned through non-monogamy that can be applied to their relationships, whatever they are. Join me on this series of non-monogamous conversations monogamous people need to have as I offer up experiences and lessons from others who’ve experienced these shifts and reflections as well. Maybe it’ll be the healthiest thing for your current or next relationship!